stop for a moment
listen to the rain
feel the kindness of strangers
give the world a little chance
it's the only world we've got

Echoing
silence                 ringing
             on cold ears
So loud
  but     there        is
                nothing
      Only          a    ­        hollow
emptiness
                               inside.

Lead me down the winding path
through the crowds out in the street
I am looking for my other
and I shall know him when we meet
how, you ask, I could not say
for I've never seen his face
it haunts my dreams every night
with strong visions of a place
we may not know each other now
but this heart knows not retreat
as I am looking for my other
and I will know him when we meet.

One step at a time
the journey always begins
not just a decision
but an action
and each action
is its own path
where do you send your soul
when it goes to travel them?

You opened my eyes
so that I might see
and when I was not looking
                                     slowly you opened my heart
with your patient kindness
  and I remembered how to feel
You reminded me what it was like
to come home to someone
   to be talked to
      and listened to
            hugged and accompanied
whether cooking in the kitchen
                together
or watching some tv
         together
driving around town for work
                                 or not work
                 together
and I do not thank you for that
        I do not thank you
                  for your kindness
because I so dislike being right
         about people
and I am right about you
that despite all your intentions
whatever it is that they are
      I have been injured
  and the fault is ours
            together
you for not listening
when I was perfectly serious
and I for knowing what would come
                          and loving you anyway
how could I not love you?
       gentle, kind, patient, intelligent
with a fun-loving streak
and a soft spot for ice cream
dedicated to your dreams
because you still have them
and because of you
       now I don't
You reminded me
that no matter what is said
        in the end
the very soon end
     you will leave
and once more I will be alone
alone in this big room
full of your people
our people
together
and I do not thank you for that.

I never could admit
why I hated to be touched
recoiling in terror
or anger
like how dare you
****** the queen?
and I’m sure I knew why
but I kept it inside
so alone
and so afraid
because I knew
I knew I wanted it
so bad
to be loved
liked
held
and that the desire
stemmed from a need
a real need
to be grounded to this world
to hear a heartbeat under my ear
that was not my own
and know that I wasn’t alone
to feel the warmth of another
even through clothes
just a pressure on me
that is different from
all the pressures within
and I never wanted to need that
because I provide for myself
because I can’t need people
because they will leave me
right?
and I can only count on myself
to save me
right?
RIGHT?
wrong.

A great man gave this to me
advice from the lips of a father
like a father
but not my father
but like him
if he were a self-made millionaire
with advice to give
that this self-made business owner
ought to pay some heed to
and so it went,

"By yourself,
darkness can overcome you.
You can't do it all alone.
But we're here with you,
all of us, that's what we do.
If you don't succeed
we didn't succeed in teaching you."

So like a parent
concerned with the fate of a child
telling us to be stronger than we feel
braver than we have known
and to follow that great gleaming WHY
the WHY we do what we do
the WHY we are in this room
with a new father
teaching us all the principles

To every day improve
to control our emotions
to live in peace
that we are all accepted
for who we are
and that we are complete
within ourselves
that we must all serve others
before we can succeed ourselves
to never let fear in
and know we are truly blessed
and above all
that integrity means more
than all the affirmations in the world.

Squeezing
a heart held hostage
so tightly
is it held back
from expression
Held away from the pain
from its expectation
inadequate
the entirety of how I feel
for you are too good
far too kind and generous
to ever love a thing
like me
I am so very broken
everything wrong
a desperate soul
so afraid
for the first time in my
miserable life
I am truly afraid
that there are no more
tomorrows
no where left to look
that I am done
(what I have done)
that I am used up
alone, forgotten, discarded
trash in a ****** world
blending in so well
becoming what
I was always told I was
told to be
so many times
before I even knew you
abused and forsaken
the only way I knew
that any happiness
all love
was fleeting and terrifying
and to be avoided
though my loving heart
will never let it be
Then there was you
with your light, life
kindness
when you didn't have to be kind
I can never repay you
no one can
no one is worthy to stand
by your side as an equal
and maybe one day I'll learn
how to properly esteem
and repay you
but for now all I know
is how to love you
from over here
away from that light
to take care of your needs
small as they are
a squire of sorts
a housekeeper, a maid
and a friend
a friend who will follow you
anywhere you choose to go
shadowing your way
defending you to those
who do not want to see you
for the generous soul you are
for being the mirror
no one wants to look into
because no one wants to see
themselves reflected by you
so sharply, such contrast
yet with such patience and kindness
you are truly wonderful
a wonder
a gift
to be cherished
appreciated at every turn
and I can never repay you
for all the kindness you have done
because when I looked into that mirror
I saw where I could be
where you see me
that something was inside of me
that wasn't broken
wasn't worthless
and you are here
helping me
caring about me
loving me
and I can never repay you
and that is the only truth you've given me
that I don't know if I can bear.

I woke up today
opening my eyes
to my room
I roll over
to unoccupied space
in a queen sized bed
scooting over it
and swinging my legs
off the side of the bed
onto the floor
so cold
shuffling into the bathroom
just a morning toilette
teeth brushed
vitamins taken
face washed
everything in its place
and yet still
there's something missing
confusion begins
to tickle my mind
so I hurry
ignoring the whisper
in the clutter
going into the hall
to the kitchen
for my breakfast
but its strange here too
too quiet
so cold
I grab something from the fridge
that I can eat on the way to work
hurrying away
from the silent echo
of this house
but it's just the same
when I come back
empty in its fullness
for everything I own
is in its place
perfectly arranged
like it's always been
and yet
it's still there
the emptiness
sort of like an ache
when I work out too hard
which reminds me
with purpose I go into my room
and grab my sneakers
I'm trying too hard
not to notice it
but when I sit down on the bed
I know
I know what it is
that's haunting me
an empty ghost
in a house full of me
just me
only me
alone
a single tear
the only evidence of the flood
that is closed in my throat
and I finish tying my shoes
dashing the tear from my face
with a hasty hand
that grabs the keys
closes the door
locks it
and then I run
I run hard into the street
down the sidewalk
past the neighbors
the children playing
the cars and the noise
I leave it all behind
heading for the place
that soothes me
enclosed in the trees of the park
I can think
but today
I'm not thinking
I'm feeling
feeling the hole
where my life used to be
when I was fulfilled
with what I was doing
and it was enough
but now
it's like I was cut
opened up
scooped out
left hollow
and that hollow spot
leaves an ache
that feels a lot
like loneliness
like a full house
of just me
like a made bed
with no one else in it
today I woke
to a small life
a life that is mine
and only mine
haunted by a ghost
a silent dream
and the unmade memories
of [you].

It is as if the ghosts of my past
have wandered in
speaking only in whispers
too faint to understand
too loud to drown out

I wonder why they came to call?

Did I mistakenly
conjour them
stirring a settled darkness
best not meddled with?

Came they
of their own volition
knocking, crying
Nevermore?

Haha.
No
this is not fiction
these ghosts are real
old companions
though I would not
call them friends

Indeed
for they are enemies neither
simply parts of me
broken from the whole
conscious
and without souls

Memories gone nightmare
forged through a flame
Lit hot by shame
and all the other bad feelings
Which gave birth to these
abominations of spirit

They know me
the me lost to time
and the mercy of weak memories
in those around me
a side-effect of a forgiving heart
It is the only thing
that makes these ghosts
so unique:  they do not forget.

Nor should they
and I should be grateful
for such vivid reminders
but I confess
I am not

Like so many
I simply wish to forget
but that is not possible
not practical
that shame holds lessons
valuable as they are painful
ignorance may be bliss
But at such a heavy cost...

I do not know if I am ready
to pay it.

I was hanging out
with friends
A regular Saturday
of yesteryear
Just like we used to have
A strange conversation
Began there
One that pointed out
How much I have really seen
Of this world
How open I am
Aware
And it was good
Things were said
That needed to be said
Burdens unloaded
A good time
But at the end of the night
Before I left
My friend asked
If I was happy

Such an unexpected question
I stopped for a moment
Though any pause
Always seems suspect
When one is in possession
Of a sharp wit

He clapped me on the shoulder
The drink still in him
Though he is a rather jolly fellow
And he said
That was a bit unfair of me

And all I could do
Was nod
Because what would I say?
I'm not happy
Even though my life
Is satisfactory
Do I own the truth
The wretched
Horrid
Truth?

Is it even acceptable
To give my burdens
My worries
My sadness
To someone?
Especially a good friend
Whose life is full of good?

I can't do that
I couldn't give him
Even a real hint
of the depth
Of my misery
There is no hope
For my void
I have loved
Only to lose
And I have lost
Faith

How could I express
That?
That the intelligent
Interesting
Comical
Flirtatious
Enigmatic
Mysterious
­Wonderful person
As he said
Who is so strong
She makes mountains move
Without effort
Could possibly
be dying
of loneliness?

Because it is killing me
First I tried the drink
And since that has failed
I have nowhere
to hide these feelings
Before I could have lied
Because I would have believed it
That I ached inside from the poison
Not the hollowness
Of being alone

I could not tell
One of my oldest friends
That I am so unhappy
Because in telling
My misery would be worse.

I don't need to be told
That my misery is pointless
That I should be happy
Regardless
Save your breath
I have no interest in listening
to what makes only you
Happy
As your 'advice' is self serving
And worthless to someone
As brilliant as me
Because I know just how wrong
That kind of faith is
A lie not worth repeating
Especially because
I have known love
In its rarity
I can't settle for less.

Dear Me,
I know it's been a long road
painful at every turn
full of things best called horrors
tragedy so young
so much to make up for
but look how far you've come!

You rode that wave of destiny
rode it like it was yours
and it was!
nothing ever held you back
or gave you a moment's pause
every stumble
or stagger
every time you came to your knees
you rose
and you rose above it all

Every moment you suffered
each time you felt the sting
of another loss
you changed the fates
and built yourself a ship
to sail those rough waters
crafted of experience and dreams
the canvas loosed to the winds
of change
pointing the prow towards
a glittering, brilliant future
you took it in both hands
and breathed your strength into it.

I am so proud of you
of every success
because nothing was given
you made it all happen
through knowledge
learning
determination
oh what determination you have!
always you have moved mountains
and parted the seas
a guiding light for the paths of others
an ear
a voice
urging them to carry on
for you have forged the way

So much was asked of you
without a tool to help
demanded, really, that you lead
that you make everything be alright
in the end
No one could stop you
and goodness did they try!
Every time you found the new bottom
you soared into a new height
always better then you had ever been
never taking it for granted

It is a gift in you
all of this you can do
and nothing is beyond your power
nothing beyond your reach
not everyone has this gift
possibly the most painful truth
terrible to watch them sit aside
the apathy of failure
unwilling to change
because change is scary
and why should the world be scary?

But it is, and you always knew that
fear was not something you allowed yourself
for fear is really pain
the literal mindkiller
causing stagnation and frustration
even in those who want to change
but only seek a few options
to bring it about
not you
to you, everything is possible
there is nothing that can't be fixed
no problem so insurmountable
that you would simply sit there with it
it is not your way.

And I want you to remember that
because life never gets any easier
you will grow older
you will forget some things you had learned
because sometimes
you throw out the baby
with the bathwater
and you are better than that
you are better than all of this
this silly life that people fret over
how seriously they take it!
and how strange that they do!
who of us will make it out of this life
alive?

So keep to your strength
never leave your determination
seek new challenges
always holding out a hand behind you
to help others on their way
even if their way
is not the way you are going
you still pick them up
as you always have
building them up
as you were built up
because I know you did not do this alone
you are never alone
someone helped you to become
everything you are
and you owe it to everyone else
to help them now

That is what will make this world great
and you great
greater than you are even now
nothing can stop you
except you
so don't forget
you are better than that.

Dear friend
do, take a moment
though you are busy
what I have to say
may save your life

Dear friend
listen, just a while
for my heart is open
ready to give you aid
to save you from yourself

Dear friend
you must, there is no doubt
let go of all of this
it is hurting you
and I cannot stand your pain

Dear friend
I implore you
I'm begging you
listen to what I say
your struggle is in vain

Dear friend
let it go, let all of it go
these things you cling to
as though they too
needed you

Dear friend
do not believe their lies
these feelings you have
deep inside of you
will surely **** you

Dear friend,
believe me when I say
that these regrets are worthless
as was everything
which created them

Dear friend
release them to the wild
these bad habits of yours
you are not a nun
let these bad habits go!

Dear, dearest, faithful friend
know that I love you
in all your parts
because you are worthy
and should never be alone

Dear friend,
you are me
and I am you
we are one
in this together

Dear friend
one last time
I will ask that you hear me
for it will soon be too late
and you will be gone

Forever.

Lonely people searching lonely faces
Seldom finding what they need
Always walking never sitting
Ceaseless in their misery
You watch them as they idle past
Their eyes cast to the floor
Once again you ignore their cry
As you move swiftly for the door
Everyone wants a perfect world
Where nothing is ever hard
All they want are pleasant things
Ignoring all the endless pain
I say stop this strange insanity
Let go that awful past you hold
For when your hands are finally free
You can begin to work upon the world
Build it beautiful, build it bright
With everything you've ever dreamed
Because that's why we dream our dreams
So that we have the blueprints of life

Let me love you!
To care for you
value you
and everything you do
To be happy in your presence
finding joy in your smiles
Please
let me wash away the hurts
and ease your pains
to help you
support you
always
because that's what love is
friendship
kinship
someone to turn to
when the world seems so lonely

Let me love you
because I want to
because it requires nothing
from you
I don't want anything from you
that's not why I love
I do it
because I am love
living breathing love
and all I want to
is love you
all of you
all the flaws
terrors, horrors, nightmares
you have been
the joys and wonders
that comprise your being

Let me love you
as I was meant to
quietly
shyly
unobtrusively
a warmth
that simply is
and don't worry
I want nothing
from you
except that you
be you
in all that you are
because who you are
is someone worth loving.

You can't go back
it won't be the same
not because it's changed
but because you have.