PANIC
omgomgomgomgomg
no no no no
BREATHE
just breathe
NOPE LOL
there is no breathing
this is PANIC
blush, blush hard
oh yeah baby
burn in the fires of your own hell
WELCOME TO HELL *****
take up your anxiety and fears
that existential crushing guilt
for things you never did
it's all you never wanted!
it's all you're ever good for
you ****
tote those ******* around
until your arms ache
keep those knees up!
back straight!
just who do you think you are?
YOU'RE NOTHING
worthless
junk
waste of space, waste of time
this is all that you deserve
and you don't even deserve this much
here havealittlemore PANIC
wait did you just scream?
No, don't you dare scream!
how can you even do that?
give me back your breath!
that no longer belongs to you!
*****
WORTHLESS TRASH
PANIC OWNS YOU NOW
and it's all your fault!
you did this by being born!
you're just awful!
hey!!
HEY
hey wait a minute
what are you doing?
Who is that man and what are those
pills?
NO DON'T TAKE THAT
IT'LL MAKE YOU WORSE
I SWEAR IT
WOULD I EVER LIE TO YOU?
NO!
DON'T.
STOP.
Stop.
Sssst...o...ppp.....
................­............................
blink
oh?
OH
Oh my.
Hello.  This is your mind.
It's... it's been a while.
Hi.
...
.....
I just wanted to say....
umm....
thank you
for taking care of yourself.
...
.....
You're really quite special
I hope you know that
even if you don't feel it
just right now.
......
You are a warrior.
...
.....
and I love you.

What now?
I haven't even said a thing
yet the conversation is over
why do we even need to talk at all?
is this some elaborate charade
where you satisfy your selfish need
to always feel superior?
                      We both know what will be said
                      We both know how this goes down
                      all I wish is that you had
                      the kind of faith in me
                      which I've always given you
                      but at least I got to see
                                          who you really are
                                          and where we really stand
                                          that neither of us was perfect
                                          and I was the only one
                                                      who didn't care.
so what now?
     things can't go back
                  I can't trust you
                              and it's breaking me inside
                                      just to know any of you now
                                      just knowing what you do
                             to those you call your friends
                  it makes me wonder how
you manage to have any friends at all

there is no way out of this
no chance to be friends like before
all the love and loyalty
is now entirely gone
replaced by a facade for the sake of those
who are still my friends
and your friends

                                                 I don't know what to say
                   I was mad at first
                   when you betrayed me
                   but I should have known better
                          I should have known better
                          I should have known
                                                           ­    better.

you are an open book
of folded and missing pages
you speak the truth
into swirls of thick smoke
with a challenge in your eyes
and kindness on your tongue

Here!  Take this stick
They are coming for you
This is the fight of your life
you versus the lions
with naught but a stick in your hands
the distant roars a constant reminder
of the shadows in your memories
you cannot cry out for help
with an elephant on your chest
you can't even turn away
From the trainwreck of your life
drugged in a chemical cocktail
that your genes made for you
forced into your system
by little sensitive triggers
or really nothing much at all
a roller coaster you never wanted on
buckled in and you can't get out
you can't get out
you cant' escape the darkness
that closes in on your vision
or the racing of your heart
hammering and fluttering all at once
terrified that this is how you die
while also kind of excited
knowing that you are dead anyway
what is one day sooner?
it would be so easy
just a little slip and a bit of blood
or a quick trigger and a bullet
the brainpan goes squish
it would be so easy
to drop this stick and fall upon it
like some old fashiioned tale
I wish I could help you
to tell you that stick is really a wand
and you are capable of magic
with a flick of the wrist
you can start to change it all
that the lions are real
but they are very slow
with gums instead of teeth
that these shadows are only there
because you did not add light
they will recede and never leave
but they also won't have control
I wish I could help you
but all I can do
is remind you that what you hold
is not just a stick
and that you are not just sick
you are not your condition
but made of starstuff and determination
that you once had dreams too
and how much I love
the legacy of your heart
written in your eyes
pain and joy and compassion
I wish I could tell you that I too
learned to use that magic
that my lions became kittens
soft and sweet with just a little bite
and my shadows became shade
that I rest under when the world is too much
because it always will get that way
you will have good days
and bad days
and both are ok
it's not easy to wave that stick
it's not easy to roar back at the dark
this is the fight of your life
but you, and your life
are worth every swing
because you are perfect
and kind
and made of magic.

I am depressed
Life holds so little
meaning
and my days are routine
all the laughter I bring
is just noise that echoes
hollow
some may consider death
but why rush the inevitable
for we are all
going to die
and that comforts me
for why should I end
this prolonged suffering
when merely waiting
will save me the trouble
and everyone else
the pain?