I woke up today
opening my eyes
to my room
I roll over
to unoccupied space
in a queen sized bed
scooting over it
and swinging my legs
off the side of the bed
onto the floor
so cold
shuffling into the bathroom
just a morning toilette
teeth brushed
vitamins taken
face washed
everything in its place
and yet still
there's something missing
confusion begins
to tickle my mind
so I hurry
ignoring the whisper
in the clutter
going into the hall
to the kitchen
for my breakfast
but its strange here too
too quiet
so cold
I grab something from the fridge
that I can eat on the way to work
hurrying away
from the silent echo
of this house
but it's just the same
when I come back
empty in its fullness
for everything I own
is in its place
perfectly arranged
like it's always been
and yet
it's still there
the emptiness
sort of like an ache
when I work out too hard
which reminds me
with purpose I go into my room
and grab my sneakers
I'm trying too hard
not to notice it
but when I sit down on the bed
I know
I know what it is
that's haunting me
an empty ghost
in a house full of me
just me
only me
alone
a single tear
the only evidence of the flood
that is closed in my throat
and I finish tying my shoes
dashing the tear from my face
with a hasty hand
that grabs the keys
closes the door
locks it
and then I run
I run hard into the street
down the sidewalk
past the neighbors
the children playing
the cars and the noise
I leave it all behind
heading for the place
that soothes me
enclosed in the trees of the park
I can think
but today
I'm not thinking
I'm feeling
feeling the hole
where my life used to be
when I was fulfilled
with what I was doing
and it was enough
but now
it's like I was cut
opened up
scooped out
left hollow
and that hollow spot
leaves an ache
that feels a lot
like loneliness
like a full house
of just me
like a made bed
with no one else in it
today I woke
to a small life
a life that is mine
and only mine
haunted by a ghost
a silent dream
and the unmade memories
of [you].

It is as if the ghosts of my past
have wandered in
speaking only in whispers
too faint to understand
too loud to drown out

I wonder why they came to call?

Did I mistakenly
conjour them
stirring a settled darkness
best not meddled with?

Came they
of their own volition
knocking, crying
Nevermore?

Haha.
No
this is not fiction
these ghosts are real
old companions
though I would not
call them friends

Indeed
for they are enemies neither
simply parts of me
broken from the whole
conscious
and without souls

Memories gone nightmare
forged through a flame
Lit hot by shame
and all the other bad feelings
Which gave birth to these
abominations of spirit

They know me
the me lost to time
and the mercy of weak memories
in those around me
a side-effect of a forgiving heart
It is the only thing
that makes these ghosts
so unique:  they do not forget.

Nor should they
and I should be grateful
for such vivid reminders
but I confess
I am not

Like so many
I simply wish to forget
but that is not possible
not practical
that shame holds lessons
valuable as they are painful
ignorance may be bliss
But at such a heavy cost...

I do not know if I am ready
to pay it.

I was hanging out
with friends
A regular Saturday
of yesteryear
Just like we used to have
A strange conversation
Began there
One that pointed out
How much I have really seen
Of this world
How open I am
Aware
And it was good
Things were said
That needed to be said
Burdens unloaded
A good time
But at the end of the night
Before I left
My friend asked
If I was happy

Such an unexpected question
I stopped for a moment
Though any pause
Always seems suspect
When one is in possession
Of a sharp wit

He clapped me on the shoulder
The drink still in him
Though he is a rather jolly fellow
And he said
That was a bit unfair of me

And all I could do
Was nod
Because what would I say?
I'm not happy
Even though my life
Is satisfactory
Do I own the truth
The wretched
Horrid
Truth?

Is it even acceptable
To give my burdens
My worries
My sadness
To someone?
Especially a good friend
Whose life is full of good?

I can't do that
I couldn't give him
Even a real hint
of the depth
Of my misery
There is no hope
For my void
I have loved
Only to lose
And I have lost
Faith

How could I express
That?
That the intelligent
Interesting
Comical
Flirtatious
Enigmatic
Mysterious
­Wonderful person
As he said
Who is so strong
She makes mountains move
Without effort
Could possibly
be dying
of loneliness?

Because it is killing me
First I tried the drink
And since that has failed
I have nowhere
to hide these feelings
Before I could have lied
Because I would have believed it
That I ached inside from the poison
Not the hollowness
Of being alone

I could not tell
One of my oldest friends
That I am so unhappy
Because in telling
My misery would be worse.

I don't need to be told
That my misery is pointless
That I should be happy
Regardless
Save your breath
I have no interest in listening
to what makes only you
Happy
As your 'advice' is self serving
And worthless to someone
As brilliant as me
Because I know just how wrong
That kind of faith is
A lie not worth repeating
Especially because
I have known love
In its rarity
I can't settle for less.

Dear Me,
I know it's been a long road
painful at every turn
full of things best called horrors
tragedy so young
so much to make up for
but look how far you've come!

You rode that wave of destiny
rode it like it was yours
and it was!
nothing ever held you back
or gave you a moment's pause
every stumble
or stagger
every time you came to your knees
you rose
and you rose above it all

Every moment you suffered
each time you felt the sting
of another loss
you changed the fates
and built yourself a ship
to sail those rough waters
crafted of experience and dreams
the canvas loosed to the winds
of change
pointing the prow towards
a glittering, brilliant future
you took it in both hands
and breathed your strength into it.

I am so proud of you
of every success
because nothing was given
you made it all happen
through knowledge
learning
determination
oh what determination you have!
always you have moved mountains
and parted the seas
a guiding light for the paths of others
an ear
a voice
urging them to carry on
for you have forged the way

So much was asked of you
without a tool to help
demanded, really, that you lead
that you make everything be alright
in the end
No one could stop you
and goodness did they try!
Every time you found the new bottom
you soared into a new height
always better then you had ever been
never taking it for granted

It is a gift in you
all of this you can do
and nothing is beyond your power
nothing beyond your reach
not everyone has this gift
possibly the most painful truth
terrible to watch them sit aside
the apathy of failure
unwilling to change
because change is scary
and why should the world be scary?

But it is, and you always knew that
fear was not something you allowed yourself
for fear is really pain
the literal mindkiller
causing stagnation and frustration
even in those who want to change
but only seek a few options
to bring it about
not you
to you, everything is possible
there is nothing that can't be fixed
no problem so insurmountable
that you would simply sit there with it
it is not your way.

And I want you to remember that
because life never gets any easier
you will grow older
you will forget some things you had learned
because sometimes
you throw out the baby
with the bathwater
and you are better than that
you are better than all of this
this silly life that people fret over
how seriously they take it!
and how strange that they do!
who of us will make it out of this life
alive?

So keep to your strength
never leave your determination
seek new challenges
always holding out a hand behind you
to help others on their way
even if their way
is not the way you are going
you still pick them up
as you always have
building them up
as you were built up
because I know you did not do this alone
you are never alone
someone helped you to become
everything you are
and you owe it to everyone else
to help them now

That is what will make this world great
and you great
greater than you are even now
nothing can stop you
except you
so don't forget
you are better than that.