I'm happy for now
I expect to be happy a bit longer
till that old memory of a boy returns
he'll dance on these fresh flowers
til they're wilted and dead
and walk off like he's entitled
like he deserves to break my heart time and time again
he'll return again when i finally feel safe
and tear everything apart
I could push him away
stab his very though in the heart
but I'm not that strong
because he's like a drug
and when all he does is break my heart
I need him
and he'll never stop

I'll have long forgotten him
moved out of state
happy
a new life
new friends
maybe a new love
and when me and my love are drinking our morning coffee
you'll show up on my doorstep
with an apology and a convincing smile
I can't help but think I'd leave him there
and go with you
for a week or two
until you break my heart again
if i still have a heart by then
if you haven't already tore it out of my chest
still beating and bleeding
bleeding your lies
that I can't get enough of

We got close.
I liked you.

I told you my story.
I liked you more.

You told me your story.
I loved you.

You got a girlfriend.
You loved her.

I became more depressed.
I smiled for you.

You made me promise.
I promised.

You're just another person I will promise to get better for.
But that really just means that I'll hide it better next time.

Every night,
I read your poems
I read the honest thoughts of your mind
and every night,
I'm still wishing that I was the girl
behind the hidden times that you smile
the girl that makes you want to live
the girl that you hope for
the girl you wish for
and even though you don't believe in God,
I want to be the one that you'll pray for
the girl who can stop your nightmares
and turn them into dreams

I see the way you look at her
like she's one of the rare heavenly bodies
found in the infinite sky
and I'm just another lone galaxy
my elliptical indifference
spiral lies and mistakes
are reflected across the vastness of the void
and sometimes it feels like
I am the sun
and you are the moon
and we are cursed that the sun and the moon
will never collide
because you are too far caught up,
amazed by the stars
amazed by how she seems to shine and twinkle
across the darkness
and you don't care because you never notice
that my shoulders are near to breaking
from staying straight too long
every time I let you climb up on them
so you can try to reach her
but can't
the same way she doesn't care
that you write poems for her
and that you cast her as the princess
in your stories
I want to be the princess
in your stories
But everyday,
I am forced to fade into the background
because life has decided
that I am too broken
to be anyone's princess

Every night, I get pricked from the sharp points of the stars
when I collect them and try to weave them into a blanket
to drape over your body
to protect you
from the whispers and the screams
the truth and the lies
the fallen hopes and the cries
make you look at me
the way you look at her
but I still see you wishing
that it was her that you were hugging
and I am back into hiding
into that space where the superheroes have discarded their trash
the place for the people they've decided
are hopeless
the ones who still need saving
but are too convinced
that they've reached their end

I am the girl
that you share the deepest thoughts of your mind with
the thoughts that were lodged
into the small cracks
along the sidewalk of your secrets
You tell me the phrases
the rhymes and the metaphors
that no one else could decode
but she is still the concept
she is still the idea that comes up in your mind
when you think of writing something new,
writing something beautiful
And again,
I am just here
still the only girl
who can truly understand your poems
but never the girl inside them

I stumbled upon a mess,
a blessing in disguise,
my bitter sweet demise,
in the form of a girl.

She carried on her back,
a burden so heavy,
it had her unsteady,
and ready to snap.

I took her weight and carried it,
from mountain high to valley low,
through brutal rain and knee deep snow,
till we reached an impasse.

She could no longer carry on,
unless someone took her burden,
unless someone kept to their word,
and took away the pain.

And so I did,
silenced her tortured soul,
one big bullet hole,
in the side of her head.

And it just goes to show,
with a heart as black as coal,
even the girl with a tortured soul,
can teach you how to love again.