I think it’s funny
How sometimes we are so scared
To say I love you
But we are just as scared
To say I don’t love you anymore

I think I would rather feel the fear
Of my love being unrequited
Because if I was afraid
That would mean I would be so in love
That I could barely take it

But I feel like I am always stuck
With
I don’t love you anymore
Nothingness
Passionless
Left doing things I never thought I could do
I used to be scared to be alone
I used to think that I needed that support
But I don’t think I do anymore
The only time it hurts to be alone
Is when I wake from my nightmares
But they usually pass

I feel like I should stay away from everyone
I don’t know what I want
Even when I think I do I don’t
Even when I know I have no idea how to get it
No use in hurting others
But I still do

I crave flirtation and romance
I wish I could trick my brain
To be content with what I have
When everything is perfect and is everything I have been searching for
My heart falls out of love

Why do I believe that I will find the one
Why do I believe in true love
When I break every attempt at it

I just want to be in love and stay that way

I want to fall in love
I want to look at someone for the first time
And feel it all
I want to feel everything in your eyes so intensively that I can barely lock eyes with for more than a few seconds
I want to feel flutters and chills down my spine every time you say my name
I want to laugh so loud without a care in the world
I want to be scared to loose you
I want to love you so hard that I can’t help but cry every time I think of you
I want to a love that is worth risking everything for
I want a love where there isn’t a single doubt in my mind how I feel about you.
I just want to feel something so strongly that it could fill me with joy or snap my heart In half and shatter my whole world.
I want a love so heavy that I loose myself just to find myself all over again.
But I’m starting to feel like that’s not real.
Because once again a whole year Later...
I feel numb I feel nothing
Just an occasional flicker of companionship and comfort.
I feel like I am just repeating the same things I have been trying to escape from
But I don’t know how to change.
I don’t know what to do
I just want to be in love...

Why do I try so hard to be alone
In drunken moments like this
When majority of my sadness
Is caused by loneliness

I still remember those days
In between classes around noon
I would go to Wendy’s
Order the same meal I have had dozens of times before
I would drive acrcoss the street and park in furniture fairs parking lot
I would briefly think
Who actually goes in there?
Their parking lot seems more used than the store
Then I would put on a YouTube video to watch lay the phone propped up against the speedometer in the middle of the dashboard of my Scion
I would unwrap my sandwich and look over at the cars of the people beside me doing the same thing.
Alone in our cars we would eat and occasionally share glances at each other
Even though others would laugh when I told them this and say it was sad it brought me comfort
I guess knowing those people were just as alone as I was made me feel better
I often wondered about their lives
What led them to this partially shared moment
Today I am humbled by this memory
I have found myself alone in my car in a parking lot again
Left to think about my life
I still no as little about what I am doing with my life maybe even less as I was then
This used to be my most honest place of confession
My silent cry for help
But in a false sense of perceives newly found strength
I thought I could share it with others
Now I deeply regret
How I have even ruined that for myself
I have never known secrets that I needed to keep, not wanted to keep.
I wonder where those people are now
I wonder if they ever find themselves in a parking lot wondering about me.

She smiles at birds and children as she passes by with content and love in her eyes
I think for a moment
All her pain and worry for the future
Is farther away than those birds can fly
It’s as non existent as it is to a child’s heart
I think for a moment
She is present in a world that I have never traversed
Moments like these
Are instances where beauty has won
I wonder what it takes to win a heart like hers

Here I am again
Locking myself in my bathroom
Trying to be alone when I’m not
New place
New boy
New life

Familiar pain

Pain I still don’t understand
I thought I was making progress
Becoming a better me

But now I’m left feeling unsure
And riddled with thoughts of the
Last time I found refuge in my bathroom
So much has changed since then

But have I even changed

What is it?
what creature takes away my slumber
what creature steals away my ability to sleep
My eyes are heavy
my mind is overworked
my body ready for the night
but when I close my eyes
these creatures laugh
they laugh at the absence of escape
They laugh of their deed
they laugh at me
what kind of creature would do this?