*** hurts when you are not turned on
*** hurts when you are not in love
*** hurts when you are waiting for it to be over
*** hurts when it is easier to say yes than it is to say no
*** hurts when it is just to make him happy
But that is the price of being a woman

I can’t believe I used to be the girl
That would tell everyone it would be okay
I used to be the girl that all I wanted to do
Was make people feel better
I used to motivate people and be there for them when they lost their loved ones
But look at me now
I am none of that now
I never really was I guess
All the **** I said
Maybe it did make people feel better
But now I know it was all *******
I don’t know anything
Look at me now
I’m just the girl in tears
On her bathroom floor
Writing a stupid poem
Trying to hide from the world
Trying to hide from the pain
I am just a stupid girl full of lies

I went shopping today
I thought it would make me feel good
It did in the moment
But
My closet is full
But my life is still empty

Im so alone
And I hate myself
What am I
I’m just a lie
I want everything to just end for a while
I’m just existing
I don’t know what to do anymore

I think we chase after money
Because it’s one of the only things we can control
We own it
It’s ours
We use it when we want to
And spend it on what we want
We get it however we choose
It’s a solid goal
I think we want money because we are so ****** up lonely and sad
We need something to distract us
We feel like we just need to reach our goals
And somehow things will get better
But that’s not true
Nothing is true

Why cant i just say how i feel
why cant i just say how much pain i am in
why cant i just say that every night i get flashbacks and i feel like everything is just being ripped out of me
why cant i just ******* say something
i want so badly for someone know
I want so badly to not be so ******* alone
but i just cant do it
my mind just goes blank
and i just dont know
all feeling just leaves my body
until the next night
when the tears come back
the pain gets worse...
again
and
again
why cant i just say


something

I have never met someone who has had similar experiences
I am sure they are out there
I feel so deeply that they mean something
but then i have my doubts
my dreams stay with me
even after the details fade
the feelings burn holes into my soul
The soul is something so deep
so protected
so untouchable
dreams penetrate directly to my soul
I fear it because I cant even reach my soul
I cant touch it
cant control it
cant protect it
thats why they are so confusing
sometimes I have dreams that appear to play out my most needed fantasies
other times
They toy with my deepest fears and guilts in ways i have never imagined them before
some times i can steer them a different path as the night goes on

other times I am left with an evil menacing weighted fear
these nights i quickly forget what happened
but my soul takes days to recover

what is it?
is it me controlling this?
is it those who have passed trying to reach me?
is it demons toying with my soul before they finally steal it?

is it all three

what is this