Stories have resolutions
Sometimes I just want to live in stories
stories can be controlled
sometimes i dont want to be me
i want things to be different
I cant explain the feeling of being lost in a fictional life
For a moment I almost feel hope
maybe even...
But quickly hope fleets away
because I am reminded that my life is not fictional
im not ready
there is no resolution
in stories others somehow find a bloom among the screaming emptiness
but I cant find it
The more I search, the angrier I get
I am scared to know what comes after anger
sometimes i never want to read another story again
because the pain of coming back to reality is impossible
but i cant help but crave that momentary relief
I dont know how this ends
I have no resolution
im not ready
I wish

...

There was a girl that lived in a small town.
She was lonely back then but it was okay because she didnt think she needed anything more.

One day she realized how really alone she was. For the first time it sunk in. This time she began to feel the pain that lonelyness brings. Then she lost someone that she never thought could disappear and realized that everything has changed and the entire world looks much different now. She was Overcome with searing grief and guilt but in some ways it brought people closer together. Atleast she had others to share her feelings with.

However, not long after everyone would fall away and she was more alone than she had ever been before. Left only with her guilt anger and sadness. But its okay its a small town, she would leave go somewhere new and make plenty of new friends.

But that didnt happen. People play games They like you when it is convienient or when they have no one else. They already have their own friends and they dont need her. There are so many people in her new city but they are all just strangers to her.

She just stays up at night when everyone is asleep, Trying to figure out how to make a connection with someone, how to make them care, and how to make them stay. All she can think of are the ones who left her and all the things she has ever done wrong.

What does it take for someone to care?
What does it take for someone to not brush everything off?
What does it take to notice the signs?
I didn't notice them, But they were so clear.
I live my life every day knowing that you were trying to reach out to me. I didn't take it seriously I said "You shouldn't joke about things like that. You know how people react to stuff like that.
But it wasn't a joke, and why didn't I react like that.
The guilt shattered me. The guilt of that day sits as a painful pressure in my throat, shaking hands, and unwavering fear.

I only confessed this to one person before
they brushed it off told me it wasnt my fault and I shouldnt think about it. Then the conversation ended and They never spoke to me again.

I dont think friendship exists anymore. If it does I dont know it.
people dont care about you anymore. People that you have known for so long that are supposed to be there for you just dont care anymore.

What does it take?

I am so tired of being alone.

How can the only friend who has never abandoned you in your life, Abandon you in death. People and friendships was something I thought I didnt care about, but that was because I always had him. But now he is dead and my Pride and strong will to be myself has faded along the way. Be yourself and be kind and friends will surely be made. But what if I dont know who I am and who I am is everything I hate. And kindness turns to sadness and sadness is turning into anger and that scares me. What does it take for me to love myself. What does it take for someone to care. what does it take for someone to stick around and stay alive. What does it take for me to tell the truth when teachers ask how I am doing. I am scared of people knowing, but what does it take until I cant hide it anymore.

The day you disappeared I happened to skip school
I often wonder what it would have been like
if I found out over the intercom at school
and not through the phone calls in my bedroom
i wonder what it would have sounded like
I wonder how they said it
I wonder how people in my home room would have reacted
they were all freshman who probably didnt know you
I wonder if it might have brought me closer to cry with others
or if would have made me angry to see people to pretend to be sad for attention
I think maybe it was better to be alone
but I feel like I am always alone
now more than ever
All my friends that knew you
are gone now
they dont care about me anymore
did they forget about you too
after over a year
the world keeps going
unaffected by you or me
but does anyone know
how thoughts of you still hurt me
does anyone know i still miss you more than anything
does anyone know I still have nightmares
does anyone know I still text you on twitter
does anyone know I still cry when everyone is asleep
does anyone know I am still angry at you
does anyone know I still hate you for what you did
does anyone know know that i still have dreams that feel so real that i forget your not alive and you feel so close to me but I wake up and i am scared and remember your so far away and i can never really talk to you about any of this.
does anyone still do this too
because I feel so alone.
no one that I know now knows about you
did I even know you
how could I wake up one morning and you were just gone
will I ever feel better

I feel like I'm just hiding behind my face
And I'm just dreaming
Of what it's like to not be an outsider

Don't cry baby your a masterpiece
Don't cry baby just keep posing for me
Don't cry baby or someone will see
Don't cry baby just dream **** things
Don't cry baby or you'll never get these keys
Don't cry baby you will be safe with me
Don't cry baby your my masterpiece