I think we chase after money
Because it’s one of the only things we can control
We own it
It’s ours
We use it when we want to
And spend it on what we want
We get it however we choose
It’s a solid goal
I think we want money because we are so ****** up lonely and sad
We need something to distract us
We feel like we just need to reach our goals
And somehow things will get better
But that’s not true
Nothing is true

Why cant i just say how i feel
why cant i just say how much pain i am in
why cant i just say that every night i get flashbacks and i feel like everything is just being ripped out of me
why cant i just ******* say something
i want so badly for someone know
I want so badly to not be so ******* alone
but i just cant do it
my mind just goes blank
and i just dont know
all feeling just leaves my body
until the next night
when the tears come back
the pain gets worse...
again
and
again
why cant i just say


something

I have never met someone who has had similar experiences
I am sure they are out there
I feel so deeply that they mean something
but then i have my doubts
my dreams stay with me
even after the details fade
the feelings burn holes into my soul
The soul is something so deep
so protected
so untouchable
dreams penetrate directly to my soul
I fear it because I cant even reach my soul
I cant touch it
cant control it
cant protect it
thats why they are so confusing
sometimes I have dreams that appear to play out my most needed fantasies
other times
They toy with my deepest fears and guilts in ways i have never imagined them before
some times i can steer them a different path as the night goes on

other times I am left with an evil menacing weighted fear
these nights i quickly forget what happened
but my soul takes days to recover

what is it?
is it me controlling this?
is it those who have passed trying to reach me?
is it demons toying with my soul before they finally steal it?

is it all three

what is this

Stories have resolutions
Sometimes I just want to live in stories
stories can be controlled
sometimes i dont want to be me
i want things to be different
I cant explain the feeling of being lost in a fictional life
For a moment I almost feel hope
maybe even...
But quickly hope fleets away
because I am reminded that my life is not fictional
im not ready
there is no resolution
in stories others somehow find a bloom among the screaming emptiness
but I cant find it
The more I search, the angrier I get
I am scared to know what comes after anger
sometimes i never want to read another story again
because the pain of coming back to reality is impossible
but i cant help but crave that momentary relief
I dont know how this ends
I have no resolution
im not ready
I wish

...

There was a girl that lived in a small town.
She was lonely back then but it was okay because she didnt think she needed anything more.

One day she realized how really alone she was. For the first time it sunk in. This time she began to feel the pain that lonelyness brings. Then she lost someone that she never thought could disappear and realized that everything has changed and the entire world looks much different now. She was Overcome with searing grief and guilt but in some ways it brought people closer together. Atleast she had others to share her feelings with.

However, not long after everyone would fall away and she was more alone than she had ever been before. Left only with her guilt anger and sadness. But its okay its a small town, she would leave go somewhere new and make plenty of new friends.

But that didnt happen. People play games They like you when it is convienient or when they have no one else. They already have their own friends and they dont need her. There are so many people in her new city but they are all just strangers to her.

She just stays up at night when everyone is asleep, Trying to figure out how to make a connection with someone, how to make them care, and how to make them stay. All she can think of are the ones who left her and all the things she has ever done wrong.

What does it take for someone to care?
What does it take for someone to not brush everything off?
What does it take to notice the signs?
I didn't notice them, But they were so clear.
I live my life every day knowing that you were trying to reach out to me. I didn't take it seriously I said "You shouldn't joke about things like that. You know how people react to stuff like that.
But it wasn't a joke, and why didn't I react like that.
The guilt shattered me. The guilt of that day sits as a painful pressure in my throat, shaking hands, and unwavering fear.

I only confessed this to one person before
they brushed it off told me it wasnt my fault and I shouldnt think about it. Then the conversation ended and They never spoke to me again.

I dont think friendship exists anymore. If it does I dont know it.
people dont care about you anymore. People that you have known for so long that are supposed to be there for you just dont care anymore.

What does it take?

I am so tired of being alone.

How can the only friend who has never abandoned you in your life, Abandon you in death. People and friendships was something I thought I didnt care about, but that was because I always had him. But now he is dead and my Pride and strong will to be myself has faded along the way. Be yourself and be kind and friends will surely be made. But what if I dont know who I am and who I am is everything I hate. And kindness turns to sadness and sadness is turning into anger and that scares me. What does it take for me to love myself. What does it take for someone to care. what does it take for someone to stick around and stay alive. What does it take for me to tell the truth when teachers ask how I am doing. I am scared of people knowing, but what does it take until I cant hide it anymore.