Exonerated for a face no mother could love
Misconceptions and interjections of societies
misguided approach to beauty
Appearance is more than the physicalities
or the emotional travesties it causes
None of whom can ignore the plush bodies
in magazines or the hours spent looking
at hour glasses on silver screens
Smiles which gleam whilst those without
dentistry miss out on destiny
It’s not what you say, it’s what is projected
albeit subjective your standards are selective
Pavement crawlers to body bags, a failure to
understand grace runs deeper than
the vanity of man.

Mum said she can see me in you
Surely it must be different views;
See when I think of you I don’t see
the similarities that make me
anything like you.
The hospital told me you staggered
when you walked in and had to be
turned away, you missed the first
time the light hit my eyes yet tell me
that the future can change..
Maybe we could go camping dad?
Maybe you could sleep next to me
on the streets that you’ve destined
for me and you could find excuses
for why you were drunk yesterday
like I have to when I come in from
a long day.
We couldn’t camp though could we
Dad? She doesn’t let you out.
You’re dangerous outside the house,
addicted to flashing lights and liquid
life.
It’s blinding when you can’t see the
view, you’re losing me just as much
as I am losing you.
Do the maths and tell me how did it
equate to that?
When one could of become two but
instead you looked out for you.

As a boy I was destined to be a doctor.
Now I go to the doctors because I’ve been doctoring homemade remedies for pain and gain?
What did I gain.
A broken heart that’s forgotten how to love, what it was to feel a beat that could trickle all the way to my feet and in defeat I found yet another broken thing.
A broken mind that’s forgotten how to stride through time, that’s forgotten how to separate you and I. See there’s things that I can’t deny - yet there’s thing that YOU quickly deny.
See I’m not a druggy.
I’ve had more ODs through everyday living than I have on a high that I’m told is not living.
Living is easier through this world of mine, I’ve met the most imaginative people of my life through conversations in a green tin that holds every whisper of what we refer to as the “Shed People’s” dreams, who know of endless tales through more hazed eyes.
I guess I can’t deny that I’m an advocate of something society rejects and that’s why you’ll always reject me.
All because I can’t deny that YOU have views that contradict mine.
What a shame that adult drugs have taken me to better worlds that are much bigger than YOU and I.

long had I been dead when I first saw the beauty in nature just to be told that we threw it all away.

Long was I blind to see those who silently scream without a bed or the lady who looks her best when she’s living off bread.

How were we so blind to the compromise of being open to the exposure. The greed, the need to know basis of what greed could mean - or what it could be.

Did salvation ever mean that we’d still have to fight for the right to humanity? Humanitarian aid after a humanitarian crisis denied their right to live.

And What did the ice ever do to you? You made it melt but it wasn’t in love. There’s a difference between love and abuse.

I know you’re angry - The world is too.

My therapist asked me who am I?
And I looked at my mother and
asked her who she wanted me to be;
She said she wanted a son that didn’t
sniff ******* in his dreams.
And she looked at my sister and said
“What does your brother mean?”
And she said;
“All he illuminates is exactly what a
human being shouldn’t be.”
And she looked to his grandmother
and asked;
“What kind of grandson is he?”
And she said;
“The kind that gets lost on the streets.”
And she looked at his grandfather and
asked if he agreed.
He nodded but pleaded that there’s no
way to save someone like me.
And they looked to his current
lover and asked;
“What kind of person is he?”
And she replied;
“The type of person that screams in
his sleep, the kind of person you wish
your daughter wouldn’t meet, the type
of person who’s married to overthinking
and can’t marry me.
He is the definition of deceit and you’ll
often find him by the sea threatening to
jump in because he thinks the fish will
actually care about his dreams.”

And silence filled the room.

And they all asked;
“What kind of person do you think you
could be?”
And the black sheep looked at his
shepard’s and said;
“Whoever you want me to be.”

Oh Hazelwood,
Hazelwood beseech me to
come home for I've become
a lonely soul wondering
alone with a shaven head.
Not my idea, no, not my
own. The man pleaded for
you to never leave him on
his own.
He's disassociated but he's
never believed it with his
backpack dreams and
time in blackhole love.
Met you and he found a
different kind of love..oh
Hazelwood please come home.
Home was sometimes A&E,
seemed to me that you were
getting pretty tired of it.
I could see. We all could.
Too scared to admit it incase
you'd leave us like our sand-
paper carpet meetings where
I felt the friction of your grief.
And bless your brave soul to
be able to live with the many
people I've become. But I dare
you ask! Ask anyone. You're
the only one they'd say they
loved.

Men of sin are the shadows that lurk among the city lights where the signs don’t just tell you about coffee they energise you as they feast on lobe with sidewalk tales of how men have left their manners at home, drowning in pints discussing the grim details of how;
He ****** her twice only but the other night, peering with a grin because little do they know his lust was a story of latex, teeth, claw and a sharpened knife.
Smile did he as she presented herself half alive, half dead - hanging off the edge of the bed, the twisting and weaving of his stomach as he digested pure disgust and bliss all at once.

You told me that you’d stay,
it made me really cry that day,
that day that you left me.

It’s because I think too much,
sometimes I even speak too much,
I can’t say enough times how sorry
I am for losing my oh so delicate mind.

From time to time I often think back
to when the rope was round my neck
and the chair was screaming for me
to jump.
Why were you the only one screaming
for me to get down?
And the screaming,
the screaming just doesn’t stop.

The way you were feeling you wanted
to be on the other end,
I could see it in the eyes that I miss so
greatly for how will I know that it is
summer without her gaze?

When you left we built barricades
I was trying to suppress the demons
- you told me you was looking at one.

You made me question my mind as
I had so often done and I cried like
a baby torn from his mother and
where is mother?
“Dear mother please” I plead, I
plead guilty of all crimes but
insanity is not one for I was just
a boy who screamed for his mum!

So jump ship and drown for all
I care!
That’s a lie, I’m out of touch
with myself living in this
living Hell.
I can’t facilitate the hatred you’ve
made for me!
I will not accept, I will object to this
mockery of the sacrifice I made!

All lost for one now but none where
I dragged myself through pity streets
waiting for your love to come back home.

Beseech me for my war crimes, propaganda walls converse with stage lights and there was an outcry!
There was an outcry of hysteria, a deep sense of psychotic texture in the lucid air, false prophets constructed for deconstruction.
Contained genocide vacated the negative effects of emotional mind parley when the selfish sacrifices were made - the only question the gods had raised was the worth of the bodies and that nothing remained...

I’ll build you a dam,
then I’ll take you by sea so
we can escape the taunting
memories of shadowy streets
and nuclear physics arguments
over our lack of chemistry.

But now the water no longer
brushes my feet I can't help
feel that;

I hope I meet my demise soon
enough that Capaldi can play
at my funeral telling me
'don’t fade away' and I
want to see you cry,
mirroring you as the tears
fail to cling to your eyes.

For if this is purgatory
then let the maggots eat
me alive.

Lord knows I’ve seen the end.
Judgement day came in the form of silenced mouths carrying the scratching of cardboard signs.
Beg for mercy I had to.
But did the sun return?
This is a national emergency for my head and it has officially been declared as the saddest moment in history, never to be seen in the books.
The storm can take me, I’m feeling like flying; in need of a grand finale. A traveller of worlds but only looking for you.

Paint the town red you mad art critic I’m madly in love with. A fine eye for it dare I say, a lady elegance from the tip of her hair down to her untuned laugh, see she was different because I could never paint and I’d glance over as she crafted beauty late into the night realising that she was the reason for all the colours I saw in my life.

She was a true rainbow queen of the pallet and when the colours came together I fell apart.

If this was love then put me in the art store that we passed so many times to watch her paint; for nothing is more beautiful than her heart and mind that intertwine with heavens soul.

Three sit contained in one generation with ****** eyes and hopes but only held high.

Addictive by nature when everything is nature in a life long reign of influence to commit the highest atrocities with laughter.

The eldest of us tells of his life stories, begging us to learn from his experiences as he loses three bills to a happy go-lucky machine - I call that taxable hope.

Encapsulated from the world, far too caught up in the atmosphere to want to see the stars but until then let us hunker down and find shelter in the weeds.

If I tried to make you love me over ducks feasting on bread, the finest glass bottles containing the cheapest white wine, with charity shop ventures where we thrift shopped like the cool kids, the times I’d look into your eyes and immerse myself in your soul - I suppose I got distracted.

When we fed the ducks at the duck pond overlooking that beautiful church I think back to the ripples in the water and they told a different story.

They told me you were sad and I didn’t want to believe it. They swayed together in defiance to your departure yet still you departed.

It was too late to change the tide but now when I feed the creatures at the pond you can see ripples created by drips that fall down my face.

Never seen a painting as pretty as her,
She’s got texture to her but more importantly she’s bold and she’s courage.
You frame her to the world anonymously sharing her elegance would be far too generous, crime to humanity even I assure you.
When the sun shines on her, ****, do you sink into a *** of love feeing lucky but you only got lucky once.
Trying to restore beauty where beauty needn’t be restored.
Chipping away at her stature until you chisel too deep and she crumbles into your hands, that? That is indeed damnation.
So the painting becomes a picture, then a memory, then it just f   a   d   e    s   a     w     a      y

When I think back to the times
to close for comfort in homemade
camouflage that hides my sign that
reads;
“This man is not okay!”
I wonder if she nods her head in
agreement and agrees that yes;
“This man is not okay!”,
and yes this man cried
and yes this man wanted to die
and yes this man questioned
if living without you was to die.
We were both adamant for a ride
or die but our whirlwind was a ride
and cry,
Sin city wanted us both for cruel strict
living and forgetting how to love talking
about the apocalypse and then realising
it was our love.
Oh my love,
The best of my hearts friends,
***** dancing queen would you ever
come home to dance with me?
Smiling dancing girl with her
heart melting defiant grin running
with the rhythm but I don’t trust
dancers,
I don’t know how to dance and I
don’t dance with what I don’t know
so substance misuse makes me feel
the move but no one’s here to move
with because you tempted fate until
you discovered oblivion.

Pure white moon eyes,
Colour gravitating to black hole hearts that consumed and licked their lips.
Digest the suffering!
Exhume the pain!
Taste the galaxy!
Watch the aliens see your escape!
Inhale the stars and see the light!
Embrace the gaze of the universes empty face,
If in the bliss you find the open gates then do not let God tempt you to your fate,
Resent your faith and remind him that the sea needs you!
The moon is nothing without your gaze!
Remind him that the world is your place!
Do not venture into space with your cracked helmet dreams -
I beg you do not
For it is already a lonely race.

Misery knows you my dear boy and you know it too,
Misery follows you my dear boy and you follow it too,
Misery fills your soul my dear boy and where would your soul wonder if misery was not your chain to the world you see?
Wonder too far into the foliage of chaos, where you fire your signal but remember my dear boy that if you are ever lost do not pull the trigger because like a grave stone becomes identity - misery is the only way they’ll find you.

It’s that hard kind of love,
Where if it’s not measured by
the gram then I don’t know
what it’s worth.

Illusive to all eyes but mine and
dare do I to ponder his weaved
tales of wondrous bliss to the
unintellectual mind,
Rumour fell from lips that prey
on the herds of unified madness
without their Shepard for the
devil offered them temptation
which the Gods had failed to
fulfil without their obedience,
Quite the thrill was the uproar
and quite the performance did
their eyes devour.
For if you deconstruct the
words that spill from the
electric pink flesh then
- insanity has found you.

Someone tell me how do we run from this place?
How do we run?
Where could we go?

Maybe we could go to Mexico but speak Portuguese so they leave us alone,
But we can’t use the tickets as we’ve used them for roach as we approached the petrol station to see who remembers how to feel the most.

But then again,
I hate to think that;
Maybe we shouldn’t run.
Maybe we can’t be free.
Maybe your our freedom is when there is no we,
And no me.

I’m a deranged sociopathic psychopath with bipolar disorder because my life consists of completely disorganised order in a disorientated mind that knows about oxygen but doesn’t stop to breathe because it drowns in air that keeps inhaling the life out of me with every beat of my unforgiving heart that bows to the mercy of my unprecedented inability to feel my own soul that has a lack of appreciation for my unwanted body that was found in the lost and found nest of a womb that grew a creature with no sight because it only housed oblivion with a warm welcome to the inferno of the blinding light that appreciated death before death as it was deaf to the encumbered pink flesh of a shattered process in the concept of thinking through no mind of my own as I don’t belong I simply exist but existence is unobtainable.

Dear Mum,

I write this with a heavy heart, but the blood that runs from my nose tells me that this time won't be like the last. You were always a good mother and in fact you have always been my best friend, I'm sorry that I can't get better and I'm sorry that I never treated you the way you always deserved to be treated because above anyone you have always gone beyond what anyone else has and I never told you how much I love you, I never told you it enough but if there was ever anyone I did love it was always you.

Love Always,
Your Son

Dear Nan,

I'm sorry for all the lies but I'm not okay, and I pray that you can forgive me because I was meant to be there for you and so far I've thought about nothing but myself. I love you dearly and endlessly and you are my best friend too but as the months have gone by I'm finding it harder and harder to discover reasons to fight, I've never met a women with such a beautiful soul, heart and mind and you always said every night before bed 'God bless' and I hope he does.

Love Always,
Your Grandson

Dear Bec,

I wish you were more open about our sibling love, there are times I wish I could of turnt to you and times I wished I could of been a brother that you loved. I miss you dearly but I could never understand if those feelings were the same, I just wanted a sister that I could go out with for the day or sit and have coffee per both our request and talk about better memories than the ones I left behind.

Love Always,
Your Brother

Dear Ben,

You were my closest friend and I know that this will not be the end, you are a smart boy and one of the nicest, kindest people I have had the pleasure to have met and you have always been my shoulder to cry on and I appreciate that. I love you like a brother, you were like family to me and I know that one day your dreams will come true and you can remember the memories we shared and even though I'm gone I won't forget them either, I'll miss you the most out of all my friends.

Love Always,
Your Best Friend

Dear Kyle,

I know I gave you a lot of stick but I've always loved you dearly and always wanted what was best for you, I'm sorry that my life is such a whirlwind but I know you'll persevere without me my dear friend. We shared so many great memories, myself, you and Ben but make sure you look after Ben because that's why we were the best of friends.

Love Always,
Your Best Friend

Dear Laura,

You will always be my second Mum, you've done so much for me through so many difficult times and I'll forever be in your debt. You looked out for me as if I were a son, and I wish there was more I could of done to show my appreciation for that. You're an incredible women and Darren is a lucky guy, even if he can be a bit of a moody **** at times.

Love Always,
Your Favorite Pain in the ***

Dear Nic,

Although you were my cousin you were like a sister to me, I love you dearly and I'll miss you just the same. You are such an amazing person, and such an amazing mother too. Give my love to Lilah because you are both a huge part of my life.

Love Always,
Your Cousin

Dear Grandad,

I didn't tell you enough how much I loved you, you had such a different way of showing emotion but I've learned over the years how to decipher it now and I know you only ever wanted what was best for me and for that I will be forever grateful.

Love Always,
Your Grandson

Dear Georgia,

What I want to say to you is written throughout the many pages of poetry I constructed in your name, I loved you beyond what I thought was capable and I just want to let you know that I've missed you everyday.

Love Always,
Your Ghost

I tell them;
“No I wasn’t born into drugs,
I just didn’t want to see an
unbearable life through my
own eyes.”

And no it doesn’t make sense,
But yesterday I went on a trip
To mars with LSD where I
Gazed upon the world by
Myself but with myself but
Instead of me I was a martian.

And I watched the world burn
Just like I did yesterday and as
The planets faded I snorted a line
Of ******* so I could function in
The present day where I heard
Someone scream but it was just
My imagination
- I think.

Sometimes I need to sleep but
I don’t dream,
I can’t dream,
Because my life is a nightmare
That I can’t escape so I smoke
Some **** to drift off into peace
Where I'm in my zen looking at horoscopes
Where it says that tomorrow will
Be better because I’m in line with
Jupiter but I have yet to visit there - yet.

A life through a looking glass of powder
Dreams, green sleeps and pill popping
Alibis and I must admit as I sit here
Smoking a cigarette that the drugs are
Killing my mind but that I don’t mind
Because for the moment I’ll live a happy life
Until my heart gives in and I’m too high
To realize I’ve died.

I am destruction.
I am the pretty flower that fought
The winter cold and lost.
Waiting on the sun that never came.
I am the destiny of all but nothing,
Foreseeing that I lost myself through
Lying naked, alone and afraid.
But in the loneliness it sparked
Despair as I discovered the concave
That occurred in my brain,
Hidden naked, alone and afraid
But finally we were combined as
Soul mates even though my soul
Was ajar only to the darkness and
In the darkness crept and I couldn’t
Fight it, it consumed me
Devoured my heart and I’m
Sorry I let it in because it is the
Destruction in which it feeds
And I was never hungry.
I lied to myself when I said
I was good, because if even
Lucifer can be portrayed as an
Angel then I must be the anarchy
That stole his mind.
For that I can never change,
I am in the depths of hell which
Structures my heart and I am the
Only demon here with no one to
Challenge but the wide-eyed look
That glares in the mirror of life.

He bared his heart and
soul to you.

- he was practically naked
when you tore it apart.

He lay strangled by wires yet
they help him breathe into the
world that no longer has him
immersed in a lonesome and
broken reality.

For the first time he was surrounded
by family he found himself deep in
slumber so deep that he couldn’t
even see the tears that fell to paint
the picture of his journey as her
stream created a scene of a broken
man caught in a broken body with
a broken family who care not that
he is braking away from the tree.

The room flashing red, green
and yellow as the neon youth
watched over him hoping for
his eyes to burst open into a
watery welcome as the dam
bursts creating an acceptable
need for affection.

And all this happened peering
through the locks of grey that
stood before me strong and
broken with sweat from her
brow running down to rejoice
with the tears that fell from
her eyes as I stared into the
reflection of lost hope as his
heart rate jumped in anticipation
of the unknown.

Eyes clenched to the darkness,
Could you see me?
I saw you through the river of tears,
Emotions called your name
But did you hear me?
I didn’t hear you.
I apologized under every sun and
moon.

I saw the fear.
Did you see the reflection?
I can feel it vibrate through your skin.
Scared of nothing,
Only everything.
I’m scared for you
And me,
Selfish aren’t I.

Clenching your hand in the Sahara
Of the hospital room where it was
A mirage until it faded,
Where did you go?
I’m sorry you had to leave.
Sorry that I held the door,
You never shut it on me.

Sorry we couldn’t fish.
Are you fishing now?
Beside the river you spoke about?
Did you know that within your last
Breath we all drowned in the
Heartbeat of your existence.

You would sit perched in a baggy jumper, wrapped
up in the heartache that my eyes had failed to indulge.
For you were the summer that faded into the winter
cold where I found myself broken, lost, searching
for the pieces you left behind as I tried to rebuild a
broken love lost in the heartbreak that occurred
before its time.

Coping through inhaling the cigarette smoke
then exhaling the life from my existence peering
over to see that your silhouette had burned into
the hallucinations that echo a series of
symphonies telling the tale of how we were
thieves to nothing but one another.

Pain was but a memoir of our tragically beautiful
existence that twisted through my inability to
release you from the atoms that defined the
depleting existence of myself.

Desensitized to the brutality of my impotence
to love you to the magnitude that should of quaked
your heart that instead drove you back to the
other distant figure that dismembered it.

Intoxicated with lust, I thought the potion was
satisfactory to act as the restorative,
saving us from the noose of a dysfunctional
relationship back to the cotton sheets where
we’d observe the springs delirium.

See I was callous and you were compassionate in
my incursion to purge your individuality in a
sinister plot over my own absence of esteem,
lost in my destined oblivion somewhere between
birth and a loathsome existence.

An addictive nature was never defining in my
persona until you made me identifiable by
the smell of tobacco, coffee and the
reeking obsession I never lost for you -
ambushed by the tears that flooded our
farewell as I failed to guide my sobbing heart
through the cataract that glazed your
‘I love you too’.

You acted as though I was playing with
your emotions where emotions run thin
Yet I can’t remember the last time I didn’t
            sit with a sore nose or bloodshot eyes
The alcohol is helping me cope with life but
life is getting in the way of the only positive substance
They call it a bad road acting as if I’m walking
ignoring the signs but the avenue I walk down
just gives me signs of life
            without the signs of life
Maybe I’m a fool to love or maybe I’m part of a
generation that get their kick out of the flakes that
fall from the nose that follows the scent of hope
Living behind a screen where no one brings
flowers but instead encrypt a ‘rest in peace’
to pretend they care in the moment yet
only know you behind a name on a page
            that shows the drought of when you were forgotten
I used to swim in the ocean but now I drown
in low self esteem with no direction other than
when the music fills the club where if you aren’t
drinking then you find yourself intoxicated by a life
that isn’t worth a second look so you try to write
a book to show people the pain but it’s just
            capitalism for the unsavoury brain of a generation
            that wait on death and even then you can’t escape
            because you’re told to choose between good and evil
            and you haven’t necessarily been good or evil
                        you’ve just been - well, you
            So you sit on your throne of lies and bring
            the polish with you to the gates so that
            you are no longer afraid when it gets
            to your time but be afraid of the time
                        because the longer you live the more you die.

What the future holds
is in my hands.

Just a few words penned
by a broken man,
lost in translation so that
only she understands -
Why I’m taking my life
by my own hands

You vanished into innocence
leaving me to follow the trail
of my sins - trapping me in
the smog of white that keeps
me awake.

I could of changed if you'd
of told me but now I'll never
know as I sit perched on my
bed starring at the rope that
is destined to end my hope.

I wanted to be grave of your troubles, burying the burden of the darkness you faced in me so it didn’t hide your light.

But now I lay immersed in the soil, no longer able to face this life without your light.

I’ve been looking for a
more socially acceptable
way to die since you said
goodbye to you and I.

So I light my cigarette
watching the smoke cover
the sky as I continue to
reach for the light.

I know you'll return to where our
heartache was once contained.

I don't want to keep begging to
see you again because now I sit
looking at sixty pages in a book
wondering where what I once
had was lost.

The coke is starting to ****
my brain and they
keep saying give it up
but I think it's finally
killing the pain.

I never wanted her to change
she just wanted to ride the wave
but with my mental health I'd
forgotten how to swim and
drowned somewhere along
the way.

She lives in the creases under my eyes
because every time I stare into the night
sky I can't help but think of you,
even the blinding light scolds me
with the memory of you.

I miss her long hair that always intruded the kisses we shared.

I miss her eyes that twinkled in the light as I stared into an emerald sea of hope.

I want to drown in the scent of her perfume, the same way I drowned in her love.

I miss the conversations we had, peering through the smoke where you'd try to hide your perfect smile.

I hate to admit it but I never thought goodbye meant goodbye and now - well now I just miss you and the memory of us two.

How do you forget someone you don’t want to forget?

So embedded in your head it’s like a tumour that lays in wake but it strikes you in your dreams, random thoughts throughout the day.

She’s bad for your mental health but that will never stop her from taking your heart away, in a vicious cycle of love and hate but you love her too much to hate.

As I stood staring at the multicoloured night sky even the booms of the display couldn’t get you off my mind - wishing you were here by my side.

No I’ve never been religious -
But that doesn’t stop me praying for you.

She was laced with ******* dreams and without the addiction the razor stopped cutting lines into the table where we’d sit wide eyed in love.

University taught you how to film the perfect scene but through the lense did you see us fade away so perfectly?

Her heart dripped through my hands like liquid gold and I looked down in the molton puddle to find the girl I fell in the love with then down at my hands to see the reminiscence of what I had lost.