Everybody dies but you were my only reason to live.

The barrel lied to me, peering through the desolation I believed the spark was salvation but it appeared to only ignite the end of all - oblivions reentry was no stranger, it was a meeting with an old friend.

It was looking through the barrel of a gun that made me realise that even oblivion sparks before it ignites, the bitter sweet symphony of your voice echoed from the other side and so elegant it was that even the reckless hell in my mind had fallen into sombre;

In the silence an angel seen for the first time through my god forsaken and forgotten eyes that my heart could not deny - I had broken free from oblivion.

Strolling through the darkness that concaves my heart, now lies a graveyard in elegant memoriam to what has been lost; A beautifully dim landscape that cascades into the distance and yet I find only an abundance of stone delicately carving my name because if only I could live another day instead of dying again.

A serial killer but all that was slaughtered was only I - for she was the weapon, her smile the trigger for which I could never resist, it was like an addiction.

Just.
  One.
    More.
      Time.

Until finally the onslaught begins again, sparks fly igniting what was once a cold and decrepit heart, the sound piercing through the silence but then - looking onward toward the mass of bodies;

for every time she smiled or even grinned I died.

Someone once said to me “Sometimes the truth hurts more than lies.” but I know that’s not true because I lied when I told myself I could live without you;

You, you were like a clear blue sky on a summer's day and I turned you into rain. You loved deep like the ocean but I was the storm that rocked the waves yet I, through blindness, failed to see the tormented oblivion we gracefully fell through.

And yet still you smiled through your oh so delicate eyes, as did I not realising that our hearts had descended into sombre.

Trapped amongst the shelter of the forests beautiful sombre. The vivid light broke through, to which I gazed upon the new world. The one that you said would save your tiring soul from the nightmarish creature that was me.

I remember under your hushed breath in whispered dreams, you said;  
                
"The birds fly higher in New England, their songs
make the trees weep in the sweetest agony."

Helpless. Obsessed. I confined your beauty - sightless to the endearment that dwindled every time you drowned in the ocean of my gaze.

Until one day, an ache.

A scar to reminisce where your love was once, as you drifted toward New England.

I love you beyond what my language is capable of constructing.
I hate you beyond what I thought was possible.

You are my obsession, my thoughts crave every possibility of you.
You are my addiction, I wish my eyes could see the world without you.

You'll never understand how you defy the meaning of perfection.
**You'll never understand how losing you was like oblivion before my eyes.

I discovered her through the shallow eyes of my oblivion, a time where the end encroached upon my bitter surrender but my fall led to my enthral into the eyes of hope.

She was the beacon of light and I, well I was a lost soul forever wondering ever so close to the edge.  Her hand reaching for mine, as I reached back in the hope that I would no longer be immersed in suffering.

The vivid reflection of myself glistened in what was the sea of my own self pity to which I found myself immersed, for in this moment of time if negativity was my oxygen I'd be suffocating in the distorted reality that I once called life.

"When you pinch yourself do you still feel?"

A moment of silence, a pause.

I look up but it's empty, just like the void in my soul. I'm not old but everyone's dead, I'm not gold but everyone knows me and still I hear the screams and the cries whilst I twist and turn at night, my name spread like plague but no one got infected, only I.

There's no cure.

I'd be a fool to ignore who I've become. I left Promises broken, friendships torn open, relationships unspoken but it's getting so loud even silence makes a sound.

I mean - if there is a God, does he judge me? Does he look down questioning how anybody can love me because I'd agree that I feel the same, this life is something I've made.

"You haven't changed" are the words I had on my mind, hanging on the tip of my tongue but I didn't voice it because I knew you'd lie and say nor have I.

I've changed in ways I never imagined, I can't bare to look at myself now because when I see my reflection, there's someone looking back at me that I don't know.

There's no hope for a fresh start and the times we had were over fast but still I reminisce in a time I often wished had lasted.

No truly you haven't changed you still have that breathtakingly beautiful face, your soul still breathes virtue, your personality is still what every girl strives to be.

Perfection doesn't ever come close to what you are, but I'm glad I'm no longer the reason for your scars. I miss you just as much as I want to kiss you again just like I did in the past, when you were my first kiss, true love and we were discussing having kids.

I wasn't perfect and I let you down a lot, but understand that you once believed perfection is what I was. Unfortunately I was not who you expected I was, and still I wish I had stopped making you cry when I was meant to be your shoulder to cry on. I hated being the reason that we needed to stop feeling what we felt because I still cry a lot.

We talk in whispered tongues, about seven words a month but you don't know how much I wish it was the three that we used to say to each other a lot.

I don't know what this is a poem, a story, I don't know it doesn't really rhyme and the words I use are basic but honestly I need to get this off my chest.

I love you still and have never stopped, it's just a shame that everything is lost.

I'm sorry about today.
I'm sorry I kept looking away.
I found it so hard to pretend,
that you weren't there.
I have so much to tell you
But I don't know how to.
I still remember of the time
when we were once each others gain,
But now I'd be surprised if you remembered my name.

I long to see you again,
I wish that one day we could make amends.

The luminosity breaks my cage of crepuscule as the vociferous symphony of the media obstruct the clang of injustice. A thousand eyes glare at Lucifer yet neglect the vision of purity as their hand points with each finger a spindle establishing a cloak made of stigma. The cloak, an item I am now constricted in, is in completion as the gates stance creates a void soaring over me to which I am absorbed - as on the other side lies the devils crooked tune whilst God strums the chords.

Their hatred sharper
Than the blade of my knife
Yet still they chose to ignore
The fact that they’re destroying me,
Situating me into oblivion.

Yet they expect forgiveness,
Whilst they reminisce
In the tragedy
They created for me.

I try to erase the events,
But blood is not lead
So I continue to scribe
Bold statements of pain,
Yet still they ignore.

They ignore
But do they adore
Seeing me shatter,
Breaking me into desolation
With no hope of revaluation,
No longer - can I be saved.

No need for a burial
Because I already weep
A watery grave.
But I ask,
Who is the weaker man?
Is it he who dies by his own hand,
Or they who abolish
The little hope that man had left.

I'm tunnelling
In a downward spiral,
Getting deeper than the
Scars you left on my heart.

Lost afloat on a raft
On an ocean of my own tears
Led by a misguided attempt.
But the blood -
It consumes me so
Yet it is so mesmerizing.

My mind,
My own personal time machine
In which I find myself trapped
In thoughts of you.
The thoughts they screech,
The noise so piercing
It's destructive.

Breakout I must.
But before I even try -
Oblivion beneath me,
As I fall.
Am I free?
These chains still hold me,
Imprison me,
My vision so fine and sharp
Yet still I am misguided.

In this raft afloat
In the ocean of my mind,
That you created.
Slowly crumbling apart
Like everything great, it falls.

But alas hope,
The light it calls!
Until I realise
My only escape
As I slowly drift away.

I reach for a thread
Ready to start again.
I look into her eyes,
Her beautiful enticing stare
As I run my fingers through her hair
Before beginning.

I grin as I pierce the first
Piece of material
The beginning,
When I first looked up
Into her eyes
Fighting for words
As my heart flew away;
The thread so entwine
Not a strand left out of place
Of this moment that
Sealed our fate.
This moment that I finally
Felt awake.

The material so bright
Reminding me that love,
Is the only magic in existence.
I look up again
To see she is nowhere to be seen,
I swivel my head
As the room bleeds,
The darkness encloses.
I reach for more material
But it’s all gone.
The thread starts to tater,
As the stiches fall apart.

I rest my head in my hands
Whipping the tears away,
Reminding myself how much
Of a privilege it was to be yours
For a moment.
But now I see your grey,
Beyond this light you would portray.

As we drift apart,
This little patchwork heart
Fuels our forgotten love.
Now to be just another antique,
Of such mystique
As I turn away
Tears running down my face
Time for my resting place.

I awake to twelve texts
And seven missed calls
I ring her swiftly
In the hope that she still breathes.
She answers,
Tears down the phone
I can barely speak
because I am drowning in my own.
I tell her to meet me
At the park where we were first seen.
She told me of her troubles
Her pain
The way she sleeps in tears,
Whilst counting down the clock.
I say we should go for a walk
She nods at me.
Why are we here?
I take her hand,
Look into her eyes
This is our destiny
I mumble as she presses her lips against mine,
For the last time.
Are you sure?
Little do I plead because
Her happiness is the key.
Yes.
I take one last look in her eyes,
We fly together
We die together.
You and I until the end.

Why is it that I fall in love every time?
Just for my heart strings to break
No longer to be played.
But when another tries to play them,
The tune is so crooked, yet so beautiful.
Stunning like the clarity I see in her eyes when I stare,
That mischievous look that I find myself never aware.
She knows my heart is going to be torn,
As she speaks of her availability;
Forgetting about the existence of me.
On my knees I beg that I do not lose control,
The anger flares as my tears appear.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I shouldn’t have acted out like that,
But I do not see why you kept this love a lie.
With that acknowledgement as we took out first kiss,
I remember it well, just like it was yesterday.
Because today was only our second day,
Another 336 hours of pain.
As I tuck myself away in the darkness,
Laying on thorns,
Drinking whiskey until the crack of dawn.
I take the blade,
Just one last time I say,
As the knife slowly drains my life away.
Another love gone and lost,
Oh love, why is your clarity so unclear?
Time to go through the same cycle I experience every year.

A cough from the back seat,
As the passenger and I meet.
Hello, Sir. Where may I take you today?
To your deepest, darkest place.
But sir that is where I do not tread,
For now I am your thoughts, you have to deal with the mess.
But for what mess have I made?
The mess of not letting me stay.
But that I see no wrong, you are where your presence doesn't belong.
Oh but I am you see, I am the darkness that lurks inside thee,
I am the blood that runs through your veins,
I am the darkness that keeps you awake;
The fear of seeing my shadow,
Makes you tremble with fear but please listen here.
What you see as wrong, I don’t.
I do not devote, instead I allow you to see a new hope.
But what hope may that be, I have everything a man could need.
But driver you don’t,
Look at the knife as the blood runs down from her throat.
Ask yourself who is in the seat?
Is it me or you, because you and I aren't so different, you see?
After all, I am as much a part of you as you are me.
But this monster what have I become,
You made me like this you filthy ****!
Excuse me driver as I take the wheel,
I was just your passenger but your life was a steal.
A steal what do you mean? I still sit here,
My life a breeze?
A breeze of false hope is what you cause,
But now it is time to make a thunder storm.
I am no longer your passenger,
Now I have the wheel, me and you,
Are going to give others quite the thrill.
I will not do such things.
You cannot make me!
It wasn't me that made you this way,
It was the others who desecrated your peaceful place.
A peaceful place I did not have,
I did not need.
But what are these desires I seek?
*They are the real you,
The person that not many see.
Now go run free,
While the caged bird is asleep.

The final stage has come,
You can now be laid to rest whilst others morn,
Releasing the grasp to whom you once held;
Do you fly with the angels or do you fall?
As your existence fades,
Colours in your world disappear and others slowly fade.

Stand before God if you believe or be prepared to journey the unknown,
Fear the journey in which you take.
They say you dream when you die,
Maybe we dream forever of what we once had,
Now lost but as we fade our memories stay.

As you remind yourself that if Heaven does exist,
You will be united with your loved ones soon,
But until then you rest in peace,
As the stone engraves.

They stare at the man on the pavement,
As he begs for their kindness but,
Their judgement has already been made as they stare at him,
Their breath full of hatred, sorrow is but an unknown emotion.
His story not known and his speech,
Never heard because it never began.
We cannot be blamed,
For we the people do no wrong,
It is those who look down upon us who cause this corrupt hell,
We are not responsible,
The weight is never held on our shoulders because,
We cannot hold such weight;
Otherwise our spines will crumble to dust.
We judge because we do not know,
Our brain feasts on false information,
Yet we ourselves do not understand,
We the people,
Define judgement.