I don’t want to come to terms with my mind

I’m scared of what in it I may find

A ticking time bomb

starting at a thousand

Now stuck on one

A rope from what used to be

A carefully twisted knot

ready to come undone

A well that’s run dry

A simple tear from my blue eyes

An empty skull

with no recollection of what used to be

No, don’t make me look

I don’t want to see

I don’t want to know what’s inside of me

The host of a zombie

I am not what I think

Looking in the mirror

A new image with every blink

Even if I wanted to know

What inside of me may grow

It’s impossible for me

To find out what I may be

I’m a multitude of things

My mind's a flashing picture screen

There I was

Holding an umbrella on the sunniest of days

Then he came

When he asked me why, I replied, “Just because”

I knew he saw all the pain I contained

And I felt he watched that boy love me then leave

He took my umbrella and told me I didn’t need to stop hiding

I just needed to find a new place for it

I agreed, and he took me in his arms and asked, “How’s this work?”

In that moment I knew why my past love was no longer present

I knew why in his arms I was sheltered from all hurt

It’s not that I think he’s a perfect person

Some days I even put a question to ‘I love you’s’ directed towards him

But without him I’d still be carrying the same umbrella

Wishing the sun would do as I did and hide

Wishing it would rain forever

Now I couldn't care less about the weather

I’ve got something way better

Hours and hours that you’ve been away.
They pass while you stay.
Darling, they feel like days.  

These feelings won’t dissipate.
I love you for no reason.
I hate the cold weather,
But I can’t eliminate seasons.

Push me away, as far as you can.
I don’t want to love an unlovable man.

Don’t understand why I love you.
******, I wish I didn’t, too.
I brush my teeth and lay down for bed,
And, baby, it’s you again.

Push me away, as far as you can.
I don’t want to love an unlovable man.
Push me away.
You know I can't stay.
Push me away.
Push me.

If this is a game,
I can't win it
Count me out,
Take the cards
If this is a race,
I won't finish
Turn around,
this has gone too far

I think I know when enough is enough
I think I've had just enough

Who are you and who’d you come with?

Was it just me you were having fun with?

I’ll never know what your intentions were and how far you got

But I pray I’ll stop caring one day and these nightmares will stop

These scars were cut so deep

And the ledge from which I stand is steep

But I see a way down

The water may be deep

But I’m not afraid to drown

I’m beaten and I’m battered

But you’ve never seen me fall

My hearts been mended and then shattered

But its stronger after all

I’ve walked the hall of shame

Wanted to kick myself in the face

But I haven’t quit a game

For fear of losing the race

Let us write about all that we save a special place for in our head.
How about watching you die, hearing my sister cry, and seeing you lay there on that hospital bed?
God wasn’t ready for you.
You were still ours and he showed us that.
Daddy, I bet you saw Heaven before God sent you back.
It must be nice up there with God and his angels.
Why else would you want to go there for good?
Daddy, don’t you know that’d be painful?
I don’t think Mommy could take it.
She never understood a depressed soul’s thoughts.
She’d feel guilty every day.
And Lindsey, she’s strong,
But not like we say.  
Daddy what about me?
I’m battling too many demons as it is.
How could I cope with another one set free?
It will surely conquer this shallow, empty soul.
Daddy, don’t you know we’d never feel whole?
Do you know how much of me you’d ****?
A painful death of most of me,
Curable by no pill.
Daddy, please remember that the life you live includes us, too.
I want you to meet my children.
So, please daddy, what have I got to do?

I'm a monster with no feelings,
but somehow I still love you.
I can't swim, but I'd build a boat.
Sail to you.
I want to.
I miss you.
I miss you.
Do you hear me?
Will you ever?
I'm screaming louder this time.
Can you hear me any better?
This empty whole,
It aches for you.
This darkness,
It shakes for you.
Tell me, what more can I do for you?
What have I to do to show you what I see?
Every moment awake is a tragedy entirely.
Without you.
This soul,
It takes for you.
This heart,
It breaks for you.
Can you look at this monster and feel compassionate?
At least ******* look at me, *******.
I'm sick of it.
That stare at the ground won't send you to hell any faster.
I ******* love you, what's so ******* hard about that you ******* *******?
These holes, they are here because of your absence and presence.
See you were here before, but notice I said that in past tense.
Now your gone and these holes,
They only ******* get larger.
Tried so hard to fill em with god knows.
But I'm running out of supplements for armor.
**** it.
You hate me,
I hate me.
God knows.
He made me.
He made you.
But I guess God doesn't build passion in twos.

I know you didn't mean for this to happen
and your heart would break if you could have seen my reaction
when I found you on the floor, blue as I've ever seen a person before
It doesn't make sense to me, how could it be?
That I was laying in bed, just trying to get more sleep
While you were laying on the floor
Getting much more than sleep...
It only took one look for me to know you were gone
but I pounded on your heart and told myself to be strong
I told myself you would wake up and ask me what was wrong
"What happened? Baby girl, why you so sad?
I just bumped my head, look... it's not that bad"
But that's not how it happened, and I lost my dad
That's not how it happened
My daddy didn't come back

But I remember every Friday night, our movie night.
I remember going to that diner with you and getting chocolate milk out of a frozen mug with a side of the best curly fries I'll ever eat.
I remember when you used to tuck me in at night I used to never move until I fell asleep... and if I had to *** in the middle of the night, I squeezed my way out perfectly just so I could come back into the spot you tucked me in.
I used to always want to sleep with you in your bed... remember, daddy?
**To me, you're not dead.

Can't write tonight
Stare at the words
Turn up the light
I can see
But I can't write tonight
There's words on a page
Blue lines and liquid rage
How come I see these words
But I can't write tonight?

I wanna scream and shout
Because I just can't spell it out
I can scream
But I can't write tonight
How come I scream
Because I can't write tonight?

My chest feels sunken in and heavy
Right where I keep my thoughts when they're not ready
It makes me nervous
That I can't write tonight
Why don't I think
That I can write tonight?

It's either depression or suppression
They give me pills without a question
I'm telling you,
I just need to write tonight
I'll be ok
If I can just write tonight

Like my own little puzzle,
I finally figured you out
Oh, I wanted you then
But I'm craving you now
I think I want you
And you're so close to me
Oh, I want you
So come closer, baby
I'll frame you
And hang you up high
I'll laminate you
And when people ask why
I'll tell them you are the only puzzle
I could ever figure out

I keep a little notepad in my car to ensure writers safety
Because words spontaneously throw themselves around in my mind
Without a conscious thought to
But I still lose a few lines every now and then
And I can't help but wonder
Where do the lost words go?
The beautiful lines we'd love to recollect
Our own thoughts
Ones that will never be told to anyone
Or read anywhere
I wonder if they come back without us knowing
I wonder if they make up the lines that don't exactly fit anywhere else
The ones that we want to backspace
And erase
Backspace
And erase
Until they're gone again
I wonder if some things
Are not supposed to exist
Until they do
If some things just do not fit

So I write in pen
And I undo all the backspacing, too
Because I also wonder
If maybe everything has a place
And we just have to make them fit

It hurts to write
and I don't mean my hand

I took a shower today

And decided to wash you away

In your defense,

It wasn’t easy

But in mine,

It was eventually quite pleasing

Our memories no longer weigh me down

I silenced your ghost

He no longer makes a sound

Because just like “us”

He’s buried underground

You're the star in my eye when I lay down at night
To count the ones in the sky
You shine so bright so I'm not sure anyone really understands
How hard it is for me to see sometimes
If you were a cop, you'd tell me I'm not allowed to be here after dusk
And I'd scramble for my keys and leave your arms in a rush
If you were a ballerina you'd dance around the room
Instead of staying inside my head all day like you do
You'd go outside and dance in the rain
And I'd finally be able to think with my brain
Instead of yours
You go to bed before me every night
And I stay up wondering when you will wake up again
Until I fall asleep and dream that you did

I am falling in love with the broken record in my head
But if you're reading this,
I am falling in love with you.

I haven't written anything in over a week. I apologize... mostly to myself, but also to those who support my writing. I'll be back soon. I just need some time. Thank you all so much. I love you guys.


I hope your hearts are feeling much better than mine. Mine will be under construction for a while.

Peace and love to all.

You should know that when I get to rest my mind
I dream of lovely, crazy things, like when I called you mine
I can find our love again, every time that I find rest
Out of all the lovers I've had, I'd say you were the best
I still imagine what it'd be like
To grow old with someone like you
I remember when I truly thought I would
But seasons change and people do, too

Just know I don't regret you

I don't see that smile
The one I've tried hard to forget
I don't see those eyes
The pools of hazel I had vivid dreams about
And this is how I know
The only thing that looks familiar anymore
Are those lips
Bright pink but cracked like old cement
Just the way I remember them
I kissed them over and over
And still they never got better
But I still kissed them
And only for your skins sake,
Did I ever wish they got better
I see your lips now
They're exactly as I remember them
And I wonder who is thinking about them,
Desiring to heal them the way that I did,
But for their own sake
I wonder if anyone
Will ever again think to kiss your lips
With intentions of healing you

I have so much on my mind tonight. So many words that I know would not come out right.

I knocked down the walls that hold me steady,
opened the gate and let you in.
Now I'm not so sure either of us are ready,
Or if we've made it possible for one side to win.
Is this a game of warfare?
With only heartbreak intended.
I'm running scared
The sides aren't fair
Now that you know my heart was never mended.
Is this a game of knowledge?
With only one side strong enough to hold up.
You know
I've never been to college,
But when it comes to smarts
I've got one up.
But baby, I'm not in it to defeat you.
If you would open up
You could start to see.
Everything I wrote has always been true.
And if anyone seeks defeat, it's you against me.
Don't twist my words, I'm in this to win.
Though my method of destruction is not to destroy you.
In your heart is where I long to be
But my god, there's no way through
I knocked down my walls,
why can't you?

Be here when I need you
You're supposed to be here when I need you
******* be here when I need you
You're supposed to ******* be here when I need you
But you're there instead of here when I need you
You're always ******* there
Instead of here when I need you
You're not here
I need you

How can I plan my future when most days I feel like I'm dying?

A writer isn't a writer without something to write about
I've got nothing to write about
I've been breaking my bones trying to figure it out
A word, a phrase
It all feels delayed
My fingers used to write
Something beautiful to type
They used to just move
And that is just what they should do
What is wrong with me?
Why is this so hard?
I'm running,
and running
Getting no where far
I'm running,
and running
Getting no where
I'm writing
and I'm writing
Still no where
How can this be so hard?

On your best friend's birthday we made love in a tent
Not knowing how much more time we'd spend doing it again
And again
And again
I'd still do it again
And again
And again
That night I drank too much and convinced myself I meant nothing to you
I wish I would've stayed convinced
But then you told me you'd love me
And you did
I wish you'd love me again

I fall in love with you again every time I fall asleep
It's inevitable
And darling, we hardly ever speak
We don't need to.
I don't need to see you
Not your eyes or their glow
I don't need to be with you
To know that your heart is my soul's home
I don't need to hear you
I see it perfectly
I need to be near you
And I need you near me

We'll never be what we used to be
But that doesn't stop me from falling in love with you
Every time I fall asleep

I think way too much
and I know I should stop
cause it's bad for me
But something tells me not to
and somehow
it's like it regenerates me
like I don't need a battery
I just need some of my brains energy
And I could stay up for eternity
And I'm telling you
              
                   **it's hurting me

I had nightmares for months
Woke up in cold sweats with empty lungs
Started screaming in my sleep
'Cause I just couldn't scream enough
But I wasn't the only one

Daddy used to wake up confused
He'd been hitting the walls
Been feeling the abuse
I wasn't the only one hurt
Oh god, I wasn't the only one
Or anywhere close

I used to write you everyday. You begged me to. So even when I had nothing to say, I'd write you to tell you I did nothing that day. That was enough for you. It was enough for us. We fell even more in love through words, and I wonder if that is why I still wake up with you fresh on my mind some days. I don't dream of you like I used to. Lately I dream of your friendship. Valuable to me as our relationship was, comfortable in your presence just as I was.
I truly fell in love with poetry around the same time I fell in love with you.

You are the clock on the wall in the room, you never fail to mark your presence
You are the air around my body when I move, engulfed in my own fragrance
You are the cool of my recently flipped pillow that fades before I can, again, fall asleep
You are the lines on the carpet as I attempt to walk around in a house that you left me

You are everywhere,
without being anywhere
I can't go anywhere,
You are everywhere

You are the pictures in my basement that I couldn't burn like the rest
You are responsible for half of the words that lay heavy on my chest
and I am responsible for the rest
You are the blue lines settled on this white page at my desk
You are the clock in my room, just like the rest
You never fail to mark your presence
You are not like the rest
I don't miss the rest
I miss you

When I wake up in a room with an open door and a light,
I feel like I'd been read like an open book all night

How many times do I have to talk you down from that ledge before I jump off this one?
If you're gonna load that gun again you might as well put two bullets in
One for me and one for you, and I'll even shoot myself so that you don't have to

The sudden change in atmosphere
when the sky viciously starts to cry
Like it's seen so many horrible things
that sometimes it just breaks down without any warning
No dribble of rain,
No fade of the sun
Just tears of a cry
That's been held in too long
'Cause the sky can't run to an empty room
When she's had too much
And she doesn't know what to do
                                      Sometimes I break down without any warning, too

Tried to care again but found that I can't
Frankly, I don't want to care if I have to wear pants

You were fifteen when we met
I was almost four years older
We finally kissed and I'll never forget
How when my heart sank, it brought down my shoulders

You took the air out of my lungs
With just one little kiss
I had no idea what we'd become
I never knew it'd be like this

Three years, two kids
We're still not on our own
No, we never pictured this
But you've become my home

Life is rough as hell right now
And I admit I've been out of control
But I know our future is bright somehow
In your arms is where I rest my soul

I love you more than you will ever know
I'm in love with you and I can't let you go

Please don't let me go

He was like the first time my ears ever perceived a perfect song
I put it on repeat and never got it wrong
His lips moved towards mine and I never fought it
He threw his heart at me once and I should've caught it
His teeth and our lives were so out of line
Yet every time he smiled everything was fine
I would've kept him forever
But I couldn't make him mine

All I can write about lately is writing or thinking and it's kind of ironic because they go hand in hand... so I've been feeling like I've been holding onto the same set of hands for too long in fear that they're the only hands that have ever opened up in my direction. At least recently. Or maybe they're the softest, or the most comforting. Maybe they're the hands of the man that I love. Either way, I don't think I ever want to let go of these hands, and I think that's okay. I think it's okay to find a home and coin it your own. Why wouldn't it be?

Sometimes when I get high
I imagine I can fly
And I'm not really sure why
But someday I'm gonna try

If I fall,
Tell them it wasn't suicide this time

Some things capture you,
others set you free

All our family photos are black and blue instead of white
They just came out that way and it always seemed right
Today I've got the perfect plan in my head
Snap a photo of us now and it’d print out blood red
I've got an idea that could puncture your brain
Hear me out, and I swear you’ll never think the same
The stitches in my head have come loose and now the monster’s out
He told me this plan
We’re gonna burn down the house

i have to find a light
gotta tell myself it'll get better
that i'll make it alright
can't keep living
the same
every day
knowing what's together
could fall apart today
this isn't how i should live
i need to grow up and
stop acting like a kid
i really wanna make
something of myself
but don't want to
be painted
by somebody else
i don't know
what i want
to do
but i'll wake up tomorrow
pretend i'm bulletproof
and i'll do it all
for you
because you are the light
that gets me through
my mother,
my sister,
my best friend, too
you gotta see
I do this
for you

I'm a plane in the sky
You wanna see me fly
And I try
I've wrecked and I've crashed
And now I'm lost at sea
I tried so hard to please you
That I forgot how to please me
Well when I find the shore,
When I get the chance to try once more
I won't do it for the reasons
I've done it before
I am evening the score