I can feel you,
I can feel you staring into my soul.
I told you those eyes have abilities untold.
Stop looking into my eyes like depth is what you want to see.
You will never find the girl I was before this world took her away from me.
I want to find her too, you know.
I tried hard to keep her young and innocent,
But there’s a contagious shiver in this world
That we will never quite get.
I could tell you things get better, but everyone lies.
And if there’s one thing I won’t be, it’s everyone by surprise.
‘Cause everyone is everyone. and everyone is fake.
And everyone is everyone, and everyone’s too late.
You are everyone, and everyone can look at me like you.
You can’t be anyone if everyone knows how to be anyone, too.

Dissociation is a friend of mine
She wears a leather jacket and tells me when to run and hide
She puts up glass walls between me and everything else
She doesn’t trust anyone, she hardly trusts herself
The glass walls can only be seen by me
Which explains why people find it hard to understand
That I can’t feel much of anything, even with my own two hands
I can touch you, I can even *******
But I can’t guarantee we’ll ever be close
Because the girl who wears the leather jacket, tells me she loves me most

all my life, I tried hard to be a happy little girl
But I had a lot of rotten people come and shake my world

when I was 16
I woke up to unfamiliar fingers inside of me
And then when I was 17
My best friends brother ***** me
but nobody ever knew that
I guess because nobody ever asked
I knew that it would be worse to speak up
so as a little girl, I had to push away the past

then at 18, I found my father dead
I tried to save him and never blame him and just blame myself instead
but man that **** really ****** up my head
at age 19, I conceived a baby girl
I met the love of my life and together they changed my world
but at age 20, things started to get tough
I was a **** good mother but the love I felt just wasn’t enough
I had baggage that weighed me down so much that it tore me from head to toe
I tried to hide it and fight it and stitch up my own wounds and make it so that nobody would know
but the trauma I’d endured held onto me
and now, it holds on so tight that I can hardly breathe

I had another baby at 21 years old
after she was born, it was like my dreams froze
and I grew cold
everything I tried so hard to hold in
just fell apart before me
I let my demons win
23 and everyday I feel like dying
but I’m still here, I haven’t stopped trying
I have two little girls who need their mom to be
the woman that she is, not what pain has painted me

today I found a way to heal
I found help, I found someone to tell me that my pain is real
someone to calm my stress and tell me how to feel good again
it’s okay to need therapy to feel good again
I’m gonna feel good again
things are gonna be good again

I write too much.
I think I write too much.
I think I think too much.
I think I write too much cause I think too much.
And I think I write too much about thinking too much.
I think I think too much about thinking too much
And writing too much that I just don't know what to think.
I think I'm gonna think myself dead.


.....I think

Just because you didn't die when you talked to Death that night,
that doesn't make it better, doesn't fill you with life
Just because you did not really leave,
doesn't mean it meant any less to me...

You died in my dreams that night instead of real life,
but that didn't make it any less real when I woke up.

I don't write like I used to and I think it's because I'm starting to hate myself

The kind of words that drive themselves into your brain
The kind of words that make you re-analyze everything
I read them over until they drove me insane
Well these words are my contentment with pain,
I've seen so much, and now I feel nothing
I've created dead things from something living
I swear I didn't mean to, though
It's like something bit onto the inside of me
And it won't let go....
We're destroying everything
Including the skin between teeth and bone
I'm destroying everything with words I didn't think I knew
I'm destroying you with my words, too
I'm tired of talking to myself