I knocked down the walls that hold me steady,
opened the gate and let you in.
Now I'm not so sure either of us are ready,
Or if we've made it possible for one side to win.
Is this a game of warfare?
With only heartbreak intended.
I'm running scared
The sides aren't fair
Now that you know my heart was never mended.
Is this a game of knowledge?
With only one side strong enough to hold up.
You know
I've never been to college,
But when it comes to smarts
I've got one up.
But baby, I'm not in it to defeat you.
If you would open up
You could start to see.
Everything I wrote has always been true.
And if anyone seeks defeat, it's you against me.
Don't twist my words, I'm in this to win.
Though my method of destruction is not to destroy you.
In your heart is where I long to be
But my god, there's no way through
I knocked down my walls,
why can't you?

You told me you were into me, and I told you I was into poetry
And it's those one liners you pull out of your *** that really get to me

I've been watching someone paint all morning
He started with orange and pink
Now I see shades of blue and light green
Since I woke up, he's been painting
On the largest canvas I've ever seen

A wonderful artist,
Though sometimes sloppy, still highly unique
He wants to show everyone
He's an artist without a secret to keep

He's been painting since I was little
And long before then, too  
I know the pattern of his brush strokes
Look up now and then, and so could you

I don't know the painters of the sky
But they paint all day and I never ask why
It's beautiful, so why should I?
They're beautiful, who are these guys?

I don't know the painter of the moon
But the sun always sleeps
So I'll watch him paint soon
And I don't know the painter of the stars
But when the paints still wet
I know he can't be far

I know a lot of artists
But not one who paints the sky
I imagine they're good people
That like to paint for you and I

I used to write you everyday. You begged me to. So even when I had nothing to say, I'd write you to tell you I did nothing that day. That was enough for you. It was enough for us. We fell even more in love through words, and I wonder if that is why I still wake up with you fresh on my mind some days. I don't dream of you like I used to. Lately I dream of your friendship. Valuable to me as our relationship was, comfortable in your presence just as I was.
I truly fell in love with poetry around the same time I fell in love with you.

You're the star in my eye when I lay down at night
To count the ones in the sky
You shine so bright so I'm not sure anyone really understands
How hard it is for me to see sometimes
If you were a cop, you'd tell me I'm not allowed to be here after dusk
And I'd scramble for my keys and leave your arms in a rush
If you were a ballerina you'd dance around the room
Instead of staying inside my head all day like you do
You'd go outside and dance in the rain
And I'd finally be able to think with my brain
Instead of yours
You go to bed before me every night
And I stay up wondering when you will wake up again
Until I fall asleep and dream that you did

I am falling in love with the broken record in my head
But if you're reading this,
I am falling in love with you.

I don't write like I used to and I think it's because I'm starting to hate myself

The sudden change in atmosphere
when the sky viciously starts to cry
Like it's seen so many horrible things
that sometimes it just breaks down without any warning
No dribble of rain,
No fade of the sun
Just tears of a cry
That's been held in too long
'Cause the sky can't run to an empty room
When she's had too much
And she doesn't know what to do
                                      Sometimes I break down without any warning, too

I go through phases of cleaning
And I mean cleaning everything
Your room, my room
The entire city
I could clean and clean
But still feel *****

I'm becoming OCD
Obsessive Compulsively Dicking around
What's gonna happen to me,
When he finally gets out?

It's not like I look in the mirror
and see something I don't want to see
But I can't help but feel just a little *****
Ever since he touched me
When I didn't wanna be
Touched

A three month sentence
For a life long pain
If it wasn't for my strength,
He wouldn't even know my name
He'll never know hers
               or hers
                    or hers
But I made sure he knows mine
I wonder if in just three months
He's had enough time
To remember my name
For the rest of his life
To remember my name
As I unconciously recite his
I wonder if he missed his kid
If he called his mom
Or if she called him

Twelve people sat in the jury that day
And I wonder how many of them
Truly believed that three months
Was enough time
To bring justice
To anyone
I wonder if even one of them
Would change their mind
If they heard what I had to say tonight
If they could hear me
I'd make sure they knew
I spent two years
Believing in a justice system that never came through
That I'll spend the rest of my life
Wondering, trying to be tough
Wishing I could finally get clean enough
And he got *three months

Like my own little puzzle,
I finally figured you out
Oh, I wanted you then
But I'm craving you now
I think I want you
And you're so close to me
Oh, I want you
So come closer, baby
I'll frame you
And hang you up high
I'll laminate you
And when people ask why
I'll tell them you are the only puzzle
I could ever figure out

Can you see emptiness?
Not of a glass or an abyss
Emptiness inside a soul
The echoing through something once whole
I just need to know,
Should I hide these holes?
Should I disguise these bruises?
Cover up these scars?
Should we suppress our pain,
To hide who we really are?
I'm 17 years old
And I hurt
And I bleed
Most days I feel lower than dirt
And some days I can't breathe
Who are you to judge me for it?
I just want to know,
Can you see it or do I have to tell you so?
I want to die.
I want to be alone.
But did you already know?

Sometimes when I get high
I imagine I can fly
And I'm not really sure why
But someday I'm gonna try

If I fall,
Tell them it wasn't suicide this time

You are the clock on the wall in the room, you never fail to mark your presence
You are the air around my body when I move, engulfed in my own fragrance
You are the cool of my recently flipped pillow that fades before I can, again, fall asleep
You are the lines on the carpet as I attempt to walk around in a house that you left me

You are everywhere,
without being anywhere
I can't go anywhere,
You are everywhere

You are the pictures in my basement that I couldn't burn like the rest
You are responsible for half of the words that lay heavy on my chest
and I am responsible for the rest
You are the blue lines settled on this white page at my desk
You are the clock in my room, just like the rest
You never fail to mark your presence
You are not like the rest
I don't miss the rest
I miss you

i have to find a light
gotta tell myself it'll get better
that i'll make it alright
can't keep living
the same
every day
knowing what's together
could fall apart today
this isn't how i should live
i need to grow up and
stop acting like a kid
i really wanna make
something of myself
but don't want to
be painted
by somebody else
i don't know
what i want
to do
but i'll wake up tomorrow
pretend i'm bulletproof
and i'll do it all
for you
because you are the light
that gets me through
my mother,
my sister,
my best friend, too
you gotta see
I do this
for you

I read the words that I've wrote down
Again and again
Until they lose their original sound
In my ****** up head
And I've been talking to myself again

No you haven't... I'm not you, we're friends......

I'm not enough even for myself
And I suppress that thought
Until I'm someone else

I think you have a personality disorder...

You're so ******* me
Would you please lighten up?

I'm only telling the truth, you're just not tough.

I'm trying to write
You've said enough

It's 2 o'clock and you just woke up...

I can't count how many times I've told you to shut up

Priorities...routines?
You seem to forget this stuff.

SHUT UP
SHUT UP

I won't pity you anymore.

I don't want you to

I don't even know you anymore.

I don't want you to.

Be here when I need you
You're supposed to be here when I need you
******* be here when I need you
You're supposed to ******* be here when I need you
But you're there instead of here when I need you
You're always ******* there
Instead of here when I need you
You're not here
I need you

How can I plan my future when most days I feel like I'm dying?

All our family photos are black and blue instead of white
They just came out that way and it always seemed right
Today I've got the perfect plan in my head
Snap a photo of us now and it’d print out blood red
I've got an idea that could puncture your brain
Hear me out, and I swear you’ll never think the same
The stitches in my head have come loose and now the monster’s out
He told me this plan
We’re gonna burn down the house

I can feel you,
I can feel you staring into my soul.
I told you those eyes have abilities untold.
Stop looking into my eyes like depth is what you want to see.
You will never find the girl I was before this world took her away from me.
I want to find her too, you know.
I tried hard to keep her young and innocent,
But there’s a contagious shiver in this world
That we will never quite get.
I could tell you things get better, but everyone lies.
And if there’s one thing I won’t be, it’s everyone by surprise.
‘Cause everyone is everyone. and everyone is fake.
And everyone is everyone, and everyone’s too late.
You are everyone, and everyone can look at me like you.
You can’t be anyone if everyone knows how to be anyone, too.

Opened the blind and saw right away
The sun had too much energy for me today
So I closed the blind again
And I haven't asked if she's mad
Because I know she is
I can still see her enthusiasm through the blind
Some days I wish the sun's energy was mine
Some days I have no energy for creating wishes or dreams
Or even doing simple things of value to me
I spend my days angry at myself for being so depressed
I cannot shine with the weight of my own words upon my chest
I am not the sun, and I'm nowhere near as bright as she
So why when she shines, does she always shine on me?
And why does her energy sometimes scare me?
It's like she's making a mockery of me
And when I turn my back
I can still see her mocking me
I know why I close the blinds when she's too bright
I'm not a vampire, but I do enjoy myself at night
It's as if the darkness of the night imposes no stress on me
I look outside and I'm overwhelmed with a calming feeling
As if I've got no plans and no where to go
I let my mind settle down, and my fingers take control
And when the sun
When she shines bright on me
There are no silhouettes of anyone to hide me
I am in the lime light
Of the sun's energy
She shines on me with hope
Of all I know I could be
And sometimes the changes
Are just a little unsettling  





-- Have no idea where I was going with this, but I'm okay with where it went and decided to stop writing this and open the blind again. May add more later
*-- Took someones advice and added more. Completely satisfied.

The kind of words that drive themselves into your brain
The kind of words that make you re-analyze everything
I read them over until they drove me insane
Well these words are my contentment with pain,
I've seen so much, and now I feel nothing
I've created dead things from something living
I swear I didn't mean to, though
It's like something bit onto the inside of me
And it won't let go....
We're destroying everything
Including the skin between teeth and bone
I'm destroying everything with words I didn't think I knew
I'm destroying you with my words, too
I'm tired of talking to myself

I don't see that smile
The one I've tried hard to forget
I don't see those eyes
The pools of hazel I had vivid dreams about
And this is how I know
The only thing that looks familiar anymore
Are those lips
Bright pink but cracked like old cement
Just the way I remember them
I kissed them over and over
And still they never got better
But I still kissed them
And only for your skins sake,
Did I ever wish they got better
I see your lips now
They're exactly as I remember them
And I wonder who is thinking about them,
Desiring to heal them the way that I did,
But for their own sake
I wonder if anyone
Will ever again think to kiss your lips
With intentions of healing you

On your best friend's birthday we made love in a tent
Not knowing how much more time we'd spend doing it again
And again
And again
I'd still do it again
And again
And again
That night I drank too much and convinced myself I meant nothing to you
I wish I would've stayed convinced
But then you told me you'd love me
And you did
I wish you'd love me again

I had a *** dream
It was an innocent dream I couldn't control
I had a *** dream
A dream that went to another level
I didn't know those feelings
weren't just a dream
I didn't know I'd wake up to find
That someone'd been touching me
I didn't know I had anything to be afraid of
When I closed my eyes the night before
I didn't know that evil men
Could somehow sneak beyond locked doors
It was an innocent dream I couldn't control
An innocent dream taken to another level
I had a *** dream that turned out to be real life
I fell asleep, once again, just like any other night
I fell asleep, and woke up to the nightmare of my life
I had a *** dream
And it didn't end right

All I can write about lately is writing or thinking and it's kind of ironic because they go hand in hand... so I've been feeling like I've been holding onto the same set of hands for too long in fear that they're the only hands that have ever opened up in my direction. At least recently. Or maybe they're the softest, or the most comforting. Maybe they're the hands of the man that I love. Either way, I don't think I ever want to let go of these hands, and I think that's okay. I think it's okay to find a home and coin it your own. Why wouldn't it be?

I think way too much
and I know I should stop
cause it's bad for me
But something tells me not to
and somehow
it's like it regenerates me
like I don't need a battery
I just need some of my brains energy
And I could stay up for eternity
And I'm telling you
              
                   **it's hurting me

I keep a little notepad in my car to ensure writers safety
Because words spontaneously throw themselves around in my mind
Without a conscious thought to
But I still lose a few lines every now and then
And I can't help but wonder
Where do the lost words go?
The beautiful lines we'd love to recollect
Our own thoughts
Ones that will never be told to anyone
Or read anywhere
I wonder if they come back without us knowing
I wonder if they make up the lines that don't exactly fit anywhere else
The ones that we want to backspace
And erase
Backspace
And erase
Until they're gone again
I wonder if some things
Are not supposed to exist
Until they do
If some things just do not fit

So I write in pen
And I undo all the backspacing, too
Because I also wonder
If maybe everything has a place
And we just have to make them fit

Some things capture you,
others set you free

Like your head pounds
for nicotine
My head screams
to write feelings
While your fingers shake
for what you need
My fingers trace letters
on the back of my knee

You have an illness and would you look at that, so do I
We find hobbies with our hands and tell ourselves we're getting by

While you are out
and you are drinking
I am home
and I am thinking
I'm alone
And I am sinking
Discovering things that were better off mysteries
Slowly discovering what is killing me
                                Before it kills me
But I need it like it's been getting me high
It's my little hobby,
and it's getting me by

You have an illness and would you look at that, so do I
We find hobbies with our hands and tell ourselves we're getting by
I find a hobby for my head, and somehow I'm *getting by

A writer isn't a writer without something to write about
I've got nothing to write about
I've been breaking my bones trying to figure it out
A word, a phrase
It all feels delayed
My fingers used to write
Something beautiful to type
They used to just move
And that is just what they should do
What is wrong with me?
Why is this so hard?
I'm running,
and running
Getting no where far
I'm running,
and running
Getting no where
I'm writing
and I'm writing
Still no where
How can this be so hard?

Can't write tonight
Stare at the words
Turn up the light
I can see
But I can't write tonight
There's words on a page
Blue lines and liquid rage
How come I see these words
But I can't write tonight?

I wanna scream and shout
Because I just can't spell it out
I can scream
But I can't write tonight
How come I scream
Because I can't write tonight?

My chest feels sunken in and heavy
Right where I keep my thoughts when they're not ready
It makes me nervous
That I can't write tonight
Why don't I think
That I can write tonight?

It's either depression or suppression
They give me pills without a question
I'm telling you,
I just need to write tonight
I'll be ok
If I can just write tonight

I had nightmares for months
Woke up in cold sweats with empty lungs
Started screaming in my sleep
'Cause I just couldn't scream enough
But I wasn't the only one

Daddy used to wake up confused
He'd been hitting the walls
Been feeling the abuse
I wasn't the only one hurt
Oh god, I wasn't the only one
Or anywhere close

He was like the first time my ears ever perceived a perfect song
I put it on repeat and never got it wrong
His lips moved towards mine and I never fought it
He threw his heart at me once and I should've caught it
His teeth and our lives were so out of line
Yet every time he smiled everything was fine
I would've kept him forever
But I couldn't make him mine

I write too much.
I think I write too much.
I think I think too much.
I think I write too much cause I think too much.
And I think I write too much about thinking too much.
I think I think too much about thinking too much
And writing too much that I just don't know what to think.
I think I'm gonna think myself dead.


.....I think

Your words cut me open
Even deeper with each one you’d spoken
I’m not one for revenge
But between you and a bench
Dangling from a fatal fall from a ledge
I’d have a seat and call it a day
And I’d fall asleep perfectly okay

It was a poor excuse for a bench to be honest
But it beats a skum-bag, heart breaker like you any day
Maybe ‘cause it’s got nothin’ to say, really
While you’d ***** ‘til you hit cement
Even then, I’m sure you’d vouch your soul to be my personal torment
But first the devil would have to give you back the soul you spent  
To buy a ****** bench

Tried to care again but found that I can't
Frankly, I don't want to care if I have to wear pants

I'm a plane in the sky
You wanna see me fly
And I try
I've wrecked and I've crashed
And now I'm lost at sea
I tried so hard to please you
That I forgot how to please me
Well when I find the shore,
When I get the chance to try once more
I won't do it for the reasons
I've done it before
I am evening the score

I love the smell of a burning cigarette,
but hate the stale smell on my clothes.
I love that I can’t forget,
but hate that inside me you grow.
I love the sun as it sets,
but hate when it decides to go.
I love that ignorance can be bliss,
but hate that I’ll never know.

I took a shower today

And decided to wash you away

In your defense,

It wasn’t easy

But in mine,

It was eventually quite pleasing

Our memories no longer weigh me down

I silenced your ghost

He no longer makes a sound

Because just like “us”

He’s buried underground

Who are you and who’d you come with?

Was it just me you were having fun with?

I’ll never know what your intentions were and how far you got

But I pray I’ll stop caring one day and these nightmares will stop

These scars were cut so deep

And the ledge from which I stand is steep

But I see a way down

The water may be deep

But I’m not afraid to drown

I’m beaten and I’m battered

But you’ve never seen me fall

My hearts been mended and then shattered

But its stronger after all

I’ve walked the hall of shame

Wanted to kick myself in the face

But I haven’t quit a game

For fear of losing the race

Hours and hours that you’ve been away.
They pass while you stay.
Darling, they feel like days.  

These feelings won’t dissipate.
I love you for no reason.
I hate the cold weather,
But I can’t eliminate seasons.

Push me away, as far as you can.
I don’t want to love an unlovable man.

Don’t understand why I love you.
******, I wish I didn’t, too.
I brush my teeth and lay down for bed,
And, baby, it’s you again.

Push me away, as far as you can.
I don’t want to love an unlovable man.
Push me away.
You know I can't stay.
Push me away.
Push me.