My past mistakes keeps haunting me
It feels like I have to do pentance
I have learned and am moving on
It feels others can't do the same
They want to continue to bring me down
Make me feel like a *******
They hate it when I'm happy
When I'm laughing
They can't stand seeing others in that condition
Where life is working out for that person
They want to see them fail and fall flat on their face
That's just how parts of society is sometimes
I know I don't want no one to fail
To feel miserable, especially kick them while they're down.
I would want a lift so I would try to lift that person or persons. Try to make them smile or something
Make them feel good in my company
That's just me though
Make them feel better

The darkness has it's grips on me
Trying to suffocate the life out of me
It's a slow and painful existence
I want to run and hide out
Keep the darkness at Bay
But no good has come from that
The darkness becomes that much more angrier
And tortures me that much more
I stand up and brush off the dirt
Put one foot in front of the other
And look the darkness in it's nothingness eyes
And find some hope in life, it's everywhere
If I will only look instead of wallowing
It's out there, I have been involved in it
I'm just too ignorant to realize the beauty
A talk, well nowadays, a text back and forth
From a family member helps a lot or a friend
Listening to my kind of music helps a lot
Watching my kind of shows helps a lot
Especially ones I just started watching and
Have been out for a while and I think the
Series is over with but I'm just getting into
Staring outside up at the blue sky and
Realizing spring is right around the corner
Washing clothes and being thankful that
Even know I don't have many I still have
Some and that's more than I can about others
But I did there for a period just had the
Clothes on my back and I should of been
Thankful for that but being in self-pity *****
Having a bed to sleep on is a bright spot
Having a roof over my head to sleep on
That bed is a beautiful thing. The
Darkness can try all it wishes to ***** the
Beauty out of my life but it just never will
Because feelings are always going to be
There, that's just part of life, and when
The haze clears from my head the beauty
Is there and I'm thankful for that. Whether
In self-pity or wallowing in thinking God
Or the Universe is out to get me, the beauty
Is always going to be there, I just have to
Open my eyes some and see it all around
And everywhere.

I try to believe in goodness
The goodness of people
The whole wheel of Time
That produces good fortune
But the more I see of it
The more I see of the darness
And it envelopes me like a veil
Holding tightly on and won't let go
How do I get it to release me
Too many people kick me while I'm down
An ex who has it out for me. I don't
Blame her for what I put her through
But we have a daughter together and I
Can't even talk to her or see her.
Other people who I don't even know
wants to make my life miserable. They
See me as a ******* and I should
Be wiped off the face of the planet.
That's what it seems. They follow me
Around like a puppy dog, wanting me
To ***** up or something. Maybe they
Think I'm a drug dealer. Lol. That's
Funny. They're wasting their time there.
Or maybe they want to see me fall off
The wagon and if that's the case they're
Pretty sick sons of *******. So who knows
What's in the minds of others and for
That matter the mind of me.

I have come to realize
Which is very hard to admit
That I am the *******
When it comes to relationships
I have no concept what it means
To be a friend nor a partner
I have ******* up every
Relationship I've been in
I stay quiet when words are needed
Or I talk to much when I should shut up
I get angry and say mean and crude things
Especially when I feel I'm being treated unfairly
What do I know about anything to do with that
Yes, it's not that I haven't been treated poorly
But nine cases out of ten I set the ball rolling
I ignite the flames and set it ablaze
Cause I just don't know how to act
I just don't know how to be
I think I try too hard to please everyone
Which is a problem in of itself
Instead of being true to myself
I look on the outside to provide stability
And peace, which peace is an inside job
Let's just say I still have a lot to learn

I want to stand up
Ten feet tall
Take a swing at depression
The voices that bring me down
They're all around
They won't quit
They think they know best for me
But all they're doing is bringing me down
But day by day I survive
It shouldn't be that way
But it is what it is
There should be some peace of mind
But the voices are always there to pounce
They scream their disapproval of me
The fact I'm on food stamps
And don't have a job
They assume they're better than me
But they're nothing
I used to talk back
But that didn't do any good
They only laughed
Or assumed I was ******* up
Now it's been going on for so long
It's becoming pitiful and disgraceful
There's no help from them
No encouragement
These voices can care less
So **** them
They all can jump off of a mountain
Into jagged rocks and burst open
Their blood spilling forth, splattering
Everywhere. These voices can slice
Their wrists and bleed forth everywhere
Get weak and faint and die like rabid dogs
They are nothing to me. ******* nothing!!!
They don't pay my rent. Buy my clothes.
Take care of me. All that's left is me.
And if I'm a ******* then so be it
At least I'm a kind *******. These
Voices are ****** after me. And we all
Know what happened to him now don't
We.

Life is ****** up
The more you want to get out from
Underneath the pile of **** you're in
The more people try to keep you there
They don't have you're best interest at heart
They can care less what you're trying to do
With your life.
They think it's a game, whatever it is
They keep their hounds at Bay, ready to attack
Their flunkies are all about, ******* ****
They must get paid a lot to keep others down
In the pile of **** they themselves should be in
Maybe they are the pile of ****
Things to ponder about