I'm all for a new order of things, hoping it will all turn out okay. If I surrender to God as I understand Him then the days will surmount and a whole brand new life will appear.

It's what I know,
pain and misery.
I've given it to myself,
****** myself over,
trying to be someone I'm not.
I've hurt so many,
a path of destruction in my wake.
I reach out to you,
but there is no forgiveness in your eyes,
just bitterness and hate.
I can't back down,
I want to break free,
find a better way
and live life peacefully.
But that's only a wish,
and wishing are for fools.
I've been a fool for so long,
I don't even know what's real.
I know others like to **** with me
and that's okay because they're
leaving someone else alone.

I'm ******* myself,
trying to adjust.
I can't turn back now,
in God I trust.
it might not be the way you want it
but that's just how it is.
I realize you don't like it
or you wouldn't of said anything.
You want me to act a certain way,
and are angry when I don't give in.

But here I am,
take me as I am,
or just leave me be.
I can't please everyone,
nor do I wish to.
Finding hope in something,
It's what matters today.
I don't have to put on an act,
and leave this place and run away.
I can honestly stay,
and face whatever comes my way.

I can't stop the madness,
the sickness inside my head.
there is just way too much sadness,
so much fear and dread.
I don't want to be an adult today,
I'd rather hide or run away.
I don't want to play games
so much responsibility driving me insane.
I happened to blink,
years have passed by,
nothing for sure in my life,
except a handful of loved ones,
making me accountable to do what's right.
And there in the midst of it all I find
the courage to stand tall,
and break down these walls.

The night is beckoning for me to give in,
waiting to curse me with these temptations.
I try not to open the door and let these demons in
but it's easier said then done, and hope is a sin.
I wish upon love, knowing it comes to everyone
sooner or later but it seems like it won't venture
into this heart of mine.  I want this love to reach
deep down in my soul and expel the evil inside.
I pray like hell, trying to keep alert, knowing
I don't want to go backwards and cause more hurt.
Righteousness is just a dream for this man,
not knowing which way is up and always looking
down into the depth of this broken canvas.

Turning away from the darkness,
the negativity that had me down for a long, long time.
Trying hard to do what is right,
and make some sense of why;
why did I hurt the ones I love?
now they don't even trust me,
and I don't blame them
because most of the time I don't even trust myself.
But now it's totally different,
I'm a working process.
Not am the man I used to be,
and all the credit goes to God Himself.
Though I still like to cuss,
that's something I'm working on.
I smoke way too much,
and drink coffee like there isn't going
to be anymore when I wake up.
Don't be too upset reading my poems,
vulgarity just comes with the territory.
I just pray down this road of life
I will change some more.

The day withers away
like paper to a flame
soon non-existence
and only the fire remains
Being enlightened isn't just a dream
trying so hard to find some serenity
years fade pass so rapidly
Can't forget about love meant to be
Holding onto one another forever in arms
knowing full well life has its harm
but togetherness protects the hopeful mind
and comfort comes to all in time

to much fightin'
to much lootin'
I fear the worse
images of a hearse
heading down the highway
and I wonder who's dead today
The pressure explodes inside my head
reality is what I dread
Can't seem to face the ******* fact
to many people want to kiss ******* ***
They want to please everyone
they want to shine brighter than the sun
I'm not one to ******* care
I'd rather be somewhere else than there
I watch the news with a smoke in my mouth
giving the t.v. the finger cause I can't figure it out
wondering why this and that person had to die
I've taken chances all throughout the rainy nights
I should of been dead a long time ago
but now it's time to take it slow
and get on with life as it suppose to be
being grateful that it's not ******* me