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Jaimee Michelle Dec 2013
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It's been well over a year and I'm still angry
Our relationship has been long over by now
I'm not sure I even remember the sound of your voice
Sometimes I think I hear you..
But then again, I'm not sure if I ever truly heard you
When I dream at night, I see your face and I swear I can feel your touch
When I wake up, I'm clammy and cold
Although I feel as if I've just been in hell

Maybe I feel like I'm in hell because this thinking of you,
This agonizing over why her? Not me?
Were we really blissfully happy one day, and the next, you were in love with her?
I knew you one day
And then tomorrow came and I didn't recognize that stone cold expression on your face
It's been WELL OVER A YEAR
This is *******
I thought I was putting you behind me
I thought the idea of us was seeping out of my veins
My heart is incased with rage

Lets try this
Lets go backward in time
How bout for just a day..
You seem protected, unable to be affected by my pain
Or feel remorse for causing me all this heartache
I was falling harder and harder and you were slowly backing up
No intention of ever telling me, I was just gonna fall flat on my face
Instead you just stood there innocently as if you gave such a ****
Well sit down for a minute and let's put the shoe on the other foot

How bout you're the one who starts to quickly fall head over heels
You get this taste in your mouth you've never had before
It hugs you so tightly and before you know it...
You're in love with me
At first your shy, only show your "good" qualities
Hide your ugly side
Then comfort sets in and insecurities start to slip out
And day by day, my behavior slightly changes
You don't see it at first.. But the distance is growing between us
And my eyes have begun to wander
You're confused and I'm not giving you any answers or bothering to comfort your doubts
The harder you try, the more annoyed I become
You've clearly become a pest to me but, I won't admit it
I won't get out, even after several offers from you
I actually make you feel bad for doubting my suspicious behavior

Then BAM!
Just like that, it's over
No explanations
No talks about it
And no matter how much you plead and beg and cry
I remain unmoved
And before you can blink, I have someone else in my bed
And you come to the disturbing realization that they've been there long before I let you go
Though you know you should give up
That you don't want a love triangle
You can't help but stay because this feeling called love has completely taken over you
It's what you've always wanted
And we were once so perfect for one another...
When the hell did we come to this fork in the road??
Though you refuse to see me for who I am, you stay and you let me drag your heart through the mud for months and months
Until BAM!
It's over, but it's really over
I've chosen him and turned my back to you
Thrown everything we ever had out the window
Just like a piece of ****** trash
Watched you shatter and kept walking

Tell me, how does that feel?
Do I look the same to you?
Your hearts bleeding and barely beating in your hands
Your face is stained with tears
The worlds been flipped upside down
The one thing, the one person who rang true
Turns out, none of may of been true
But you'll never know what was real and what was fake
Because, the phone calls are ignored, text messages deleted and emails never opened
It's just you with an old photo in your hand, that you clutch to your chest at night as you cry yourself to sleep
To wake up to the sunrise upon the giant hill of "get over it"
Would this be easy for you?
Especially if every time you started to climb the mountain, something knocked you down
And you scream because you're sick of starting over
You just want it to be over

I just want it to be over
Continue reading...
A reason
Jaimee Michelle Nov 2014
A reason
Sunken in this bed I barely have the engery to consider getting up
This days been so long
Just like the days before it
I'm so weighed down with sadness, loneliness, guilt and self hate
I spend all day fighting with the demons in my had
While trying to escape the ones surrounded me
Suffocating me
My doubts take over any faith I may of head
I cry so hard I become silent
I feel my skin cracking while I slowly fall into pieces
Empty words filled with hate attack my mind relentlessly
The shadows that creep along my wall tuant me
Hoover above me
Surround the walls that are closing in on me
I struggle and cry out
This prison of heartache, broken promises and endless reminders of what could've been
They just gut me
Reach right in my chest and pull out my heart
Laugh as I fight to breath
To get out
To roam the street until I stumble across some peace
Broken, battered, lost and at a loss
I start to stare at the sky
Hoping the darkness will fade and shed some fresh light in these lifeless eyes
Warm the ice of hopelessness outta my veins
And that I just get a chance to sit down
And let the little bit of beauty I still see give me some hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day
And that maybe I'll find my smile again
The walls began to slowly cease from shutting me in between the madness inside of me
The demons are set free, hopefully to get lost from me
I just need time to just breath
To not think
To close my eyes and just let the wind circle all around me
Give my bleeding heart a chance to nestle back in my chest
To beat a different beat this time
A beat I've never heard before but am compelled to follow
Walk and walk until the darkness starts to lighten
All I need is one speck of light
A sliver of hope
A reason to keep walking
A reason to let this heart continue to beat
Leave the prison behind
And never look back
Continue reading...
A year later in September
Jaimee Michelle Oct 2013
A year later in September
What would you say if you saw me?
Would you just wave awkwardly or just drop your head down as if you couldn't see me?
It's been a year
We're not the same people that said goodbye last September
It almost be like meeting for the first time
There's supposed to be a history between us
But, history is facts that were once proven to be real
Our history is full of lies and fantasies
I told you a year ago, if nothing had changed
We'd just be two strangers who said goodbye with tears in their eyes a year before
Everything's changed
Idk what either one of us would say to even break the ice
Or if I'd even try
Idk what I'd have to say
Angry, confused words
Or would I be so lonesome that all I saw was who I thought used to be my best friend
And just want to put my head on your shoulder..
And just rest?
I can't answer that confidently either way
My hearts taken a beating that started with you
How ironic that a hug from you can potentially take that pain away
Even if only for a few hours
But, your heart didn't continually get stomped into the dirt as mine did
No, you had someone there taking care of you
Telling you what to do
Whether you wanted to or if it was right or wrong
You bowed your head and obeyed
That's not at all who I knew last September
So maybe I'd be the one to bow my head down this time
Whether it's what I truly wanted or not
But, if my eyes didn't meet a strangers
There's no choice of time for reflection, to suddenly stop and stare
Overwhelming feelings of someone I used to know
No accidental tears could have a chance to fall
And my heart wouldn't recognize you as comfort
It wouldn't recognize you at all
Continue reading...
Brown eyed boy
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Brown eyed boy
The arrogance that comes off your body in waves radiates its own heat
But, it's fake. Pretend.
A shield you use to protect the little boy you actually are inside
Most kids haven't and shouldn't see what you've seen.
I was sorry for the hate, and mistrust you found at such a young age
I just wanted to tell that little boy one day his world would be beautiful and that even in the ugliness of this house on the corner
He was already beautiful
I never got the chance to reach that little boy

You took over, although you were him in an older form
You had not resolved the hurt that little boy felt
The little boy whose mom was too busy smokin rocks as pretty as glass
Yelling at the boy to find his own dinner
And get mommys purse, she's running out of glass rocks
That little boy wasn't stupid, and the resentment he formed has take control
Your life is about you
It's about the hate you carry inside because, you never sat down with that little boy and let him cry
No, instead you built a wall to protect yourself  plus fatal toys to keep you safe too
Your friends were filled with that hate too
Wouldn't it surprise you to know that you were just a bunch of wounded little boys
Running a muck, surrounded by violence and death
When all you wanted was someone to tell you you were good enough

Now you're just an angry man
Filled with so much hate, your life is never going to change
You think your strong
You think you done and seen what others couldn't bare
But, you suffer everyday from what you've done
What you didn't stop
What could've happened to your best friend if you hadn't let the hate take the reigns
We can't go back
Nothing's going to change yesterday
But, you could've changed your today, which would've brought a brighter tomorrow
Stubborn as you were listening to all the yelling when you were a boy
No forgiveness
You don't care where your mom went
She'll die before you realize, you were just a boy who just tried to survive as he got older
You could let her know where those glass rocks led you and what it was like to turn around and sell those pretty rocks
What it was like getting wasted with your mom when your just in elementary school
By middle school, hope had been long gone
And high school lasted 5 minutes

Here you are
Just hate filled and waiting for what's owed to you
Thinking there are no consequences for your actions
Staying on a path that leads to no where because, you're too scared to see what the other side of life has to offer
I tried to be in your life but, I was deemed too innocent to be let into the world you lived in
I was too good for you
Only a coward would say that, and you're biggest fear is that little boy being exposed
Even though I told you I could see him, and that you didn't have to live that way anymore
You refused to change
Playing games with my heart, knowing you'd just fill yours with hate for me so you wouldn't suffer another loss
But, leave me standing in a puddle of my own heartbreak
I watched you walk away, I saw you look back
I saw the little boy in your eyes
I felt sadden for a moment
But shook it off
You didn't have to be this way, you could of started over
Your past was behind you but you walk as if its up in front of you
You'll be haunted by the little boy forever
Because, you were too scared to say "we'll be ok"

I feel nothing when I look at you now
You're no more than a frightened child during a thunder storm
You cling to the past like a blankie
Telling yourself it gives you the right to enter, interrupt and even destroy a life
It doesn't
When you're 50 you'll still be right where you are now, maybe married but in reality alone
You'll look in the mirror
And those innocent round brown eyes with tears spilling over the brim looking back at you
You've gone no where, that so called arrogance you sweat in, that's just the fear that tortures you everyday

I used to want to hug you
I used to encourage you to be more
You'll never be
And I can't stand the hate you made me feel when you were near
The hatred won
So welcome to your life
Because this is it
Dead end
The bridge that lead to the other side burned to ashes, from the fire you started
So don't mind me if I don't sit around and watch you stand still over there
Half alive, on the other side of the burnt down bridge, with the crying brown eyed boy...
Is you in the house on the corner
The house on the corner you never left

You choose fear
I choose life
You're right I don't belong here
I never did.
Goodbyes mean nothing round here
I'll just let the empty silence tell you
Don't take this poem the wrong way. I cared for this person but the past doesn't define us, you don't have to fall victim to circumstance. There's always another choice. He decided he couldn't do better than where he'd been and I couldn't be a part of the victim game. I hope you'll understand.
Continue reading...
Cab Driver
Jaimee Michelle Oct 2013
Cab Driver
My frown couldn't be more prominent as I stare out of my passenger window
Cloudy skies with heavy rainfall, in a cab in traffic just has my mood plummeting
As if I was ever really happy to start
I sigh as I think that..
Have I really been unhappy my whole life, with just good moments in between?
No. I shake my head to myself.. That can't be right
I gasp as the driver suddenly slams on his breaks
"Sorry" he mutters along with a few other choice words
I'm so lost in my tangled thoughts its only a slight distraction
The airport is only 10 miles away but,
It seems its going to take 10 hours to just get there
I slam my head back against the seat
******! Rolling my eyes heavily, I grimace at my own brain
Won't you shut up?!
Yes I know things will never be resolved with my "father"
On his death bed, he'd still only manage to say "I'm still sorry you feel that way."
His family will  look at me as if I haven't done enough to change things...
**** them.. I'm not a magician. And **** if I didn't spend most of my life trying to be one
I swallow that lump in my throat
Just another dad topic to fill the session when I see my therapist
"Can I smoke in here please?" I ask/beg the cab driver
The traffic isn't the only thing congested and I need some relief
Not pleased he agrees... After I slip a $20 in his face
As the wind blows my hair around and the smoke clouds my face
I realize I full of way more doubts than I admitted
Is this where I should be headed?
I mean this isn't a dream
It's gonna be real life with all it's pain and lingering stings just like it is here
My pocket vibrates
Blowing out smoke, I cough as I laugh when I read the text
"I will miss you. Text me when you land."
YOU
You would text me as I'm about to be 1000s and 1000s of miles away from you
I can't help but let a tear slide down my cheek
I remember the endless amount that fell when you were the one leaving
Dangling me on that string... Even 5000 miles away
I don't respond
Just like you didn't respond
Maybe to give you a dose of your own medicine
Or maybe because I simply can not allow you to break me down anymore
I flick my cigaret and wipe my cheek with the back of my hand
The phone vibrates again
It can't be you
It's not your style to appear to care that much
I glance down at the screen and this time can't hold back the sob I choke on
"I love you! Have a safe flight, PLEASE text me when you land!" Love Sam
My baby sister
Sometimes my seemingly older sister
Through it all, the heartbreak of such a distance between us is the same
Through a blur of tears I text back that I will, that I love her too
I see the driver stare at me through the rear view mirror
I'm too sad and stiff to bother to wipe my tears away or even turn my head
So I just drop my eyes so I'm no longer holding his gaze
The history between my sister and I is an eventful one
Very colorful
Lots of laughs...Lots of yelling... Lots of tears...
Getting to the place we are now, the place that was so rock solid for so many years
But then crumbled to the ground caused by an earthquake of addiction..My addiction
I couldn't be more thankful to whomever allowed the chance, the power, the love to remind us who we once were
Maybe we just did that
I don't know
The rain has stopped and traffic is flowing now
I feel I may throw up
I'm getting closer
Closer to my new start
But, with so many unknowns and so many things I don't want waiting for me when I get there...
But, wherever you go, there you are
Ill be there...Waiting for me
I'm just hoping ill give myself a chance before I want to run back the other way
That's what I'm doing.. Everyone says so
"You're running.""Can't run from yourself."
I smirk as I wonder if these ******* with all the advice ever considered if they DROVE me out...
Not that I ran out
Fair weathered friends weigh you down after awhile
The broken promises
The appearing in the light and disappearing when it gets dark
Starts to make my heart ache so bad, it feels hard to breathe
My head pounds as I'm always questioning why they don't want me
What could I do to be better?
I close my eyes
Too tired to think about it further
So tired of having to think so hard
So tired I'm too tired to demand to be treated better
So **** em works
I'm tired of trying, of trying to try
Just done
There's gotta be so much more to life than this..
That I have to try and discover
Startled by the vibrating of my phone again, my eyes pop open as I jump a little bit
"Can't wait to see you! Have a safe flight. Love you! See you at the airport."
I shake my head smiling
My mom always seems to make me smile when I'm drowning in a sea of misery
"I can't wait to see you. You have no idea." I whisper to myself, laughing to myself as I start to cry again
This cab driver must think I'm insane
This time I pull out some tissues and clean myself up
Take a deep breath and force a smile
Everything's going to be ok
This is gonna be the move into the right direction
Where ill find myself again and the path I belong on
Even if it doesn't end there, it'll start me to where my life is meant to go
Everything's gonna be ok.. It's gonna be...
"Miss...Miss...We're here."
I snap back into focus as the drivers voice drills through my brain
I swallow a lump again, nod and mumble an apology for not paying attention
Fumble for my wallet and pay the ridiculous fare, thanks to all the traffic
Luckily I travel light
I grab my suitcase and my dog crate
(She's got the worlds biggest "oh ****"eyes right now)she'll be happy up there
That I'm sure of
I'm standing there, still, ignoring the weight of the crate and my suitcase
The wind sends a shiver down my spine, I shudder
It seems to bring me back into reality
I take another deep breathe and force a smile
I promised myself I wouldn't look back
So I don't
The glass doors slide open.. As if to say "Everything's gonna be ok."
I let the tear slide down my cheek and walk on through
This kinda touches on 4 significant relationships in my life, and also a peak into my past and present doubts and insecurities... It's a little different than poems I've written before. I hope y'all enjoy or get something out of it:)
Continue reading...
Circles
Jaimee Michelle Jan 2014
Circles
I just want to go home
But, I don't know where that is

I grab my hair, wanting to yank it out in frustration
Close to screaming til my lungs collasp

But, if someone were to come to my aid
I wouldn't know what to tell them, or where to take me

I'm missing a place... Can't take my eyes off what I think it is
My hearts so torn, it floats above me in microscopic pieces

I don't bother trying to put in back together
I truthfully don't know how

I always gripe how my sister is never satisfied with anything or anyone in life
But maybe, that person is me

And I'll forever be tangled in past hopes, loves and what ifs
Chasing something I can never catch

Last night was New Year's Eve
I waited and watched the ball drop at midnight

Everyone cheers with excitement for all they promised themselves this new year will bring
A new date doesn't mean **** to me

I've been saying the same promises, with the same stupid smile on my face since 2007
Look at me in this abandoned street with a tear stained face... What's changed?

My heart didn't shatter this year
It broke into a million pieces so many years ago and I've just been staring at its destructive paths

So maybe I'm the one whose never satisfied
Or maybe I crave change but, am too **** lazy to just do it

How the **** am I living this way?
The air I breathe is toxic, the roads i follow are nothing more than tragic circles

This is all too dramatic
But, I don't force these tears to fall and I don't lie about the demons I fight inside

All my life, I've just wanted a home
Somewhere that I just belong to

But this circle keeps me lost and dizzy
Making it almost impossible to get a grip on my jumbled thoughts

I'm begging for you, for anyone, just say it's going to be ok
Lie to me if you must, but be convincing, and don't walk away until I muster the strength to start putting my heart back together

Because all I want is to go home
Would you be kind enough to point me in the right direction?

Wipe away all of these worthless self doubts
And melt my frozen feet from this empty space
I'm having a hard time adjusting to choices I've made, and the changes I've had to make. I just moved from the only home I've known for 30 years, and I'm impatient and torn and I just don't know how to calm my frantic heart anymore. Idk if this poem even makes sense... But my brain sounds like white noise right now
Continue reading...
Closer to over you
Jaimee Michelle Jul 2013
Closer to over you
It's been over a year
Over a year since I couldn't stop thinking about you since we met
Almost one year since you took my heart causally in your hands and tore it apart
Then left as I crumbled on the floor
I'll never understand how it was so simple for you
When I was struggling just to breath
I ran for awhile, I couldn't bare the pain of losin you
Then as I knew it would, it was time for me to go home
Closer to you
Closer to your smell on what was once your pillow
Tears overflowed for months
Even when you came back into my life
I was with you but, not all at the same time
Closer than ever to a breakdown
Ready, pretty much already on my knees pleading for you to give us another chance
Stuck on the fence, you blocked me in
I couldn't get over, I couldn't get under
You were all my eyes, my heart could see
Slowly my soul was dying because without you, I felt I had nothing in it
The fire you'd once ignited, wasn't even a lonely spark anymore
Just smoke rising from the ashes of what was you and me
Even after she moved in
I kept chasing hope, I kept saying "Time will make him see, it's me, not her."
The clocks still ticking
Closer to your arrival home
Which I dread
I don't want to see you and fall to pieces
But then today it hit me
Like a ton of bricks
Or maybe I busted through
I was just staring up at the sky, and I realized, I hadn't thought of you once today
Not even for half a second had you crossed my mind until I realized you hadn't
And I smiled
I grabbed my pen and scribbled some words on a piece of paper I might be talking about it now
But, only outta sheer excitement
Restored faith
Finally a light, even though so dim, it was at the end of the tunnel
Because, today was a big day
The day I got closer to being over you
Continue reading...
Daddy
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Daddy
Daddy, where'd you go?
I can't find you
Haven't we played hide n seek long enough?
I need my dad
I don't think these games are so much fun anymore

Daddy,
What did I do?
Why do you look at me with eyes full of disappointment?
The words you speak are so angry, so violent
You make me feel so small.... I want to go hide again

Daddy,
Why did you hurt mommy?
How could you let me see that side of you?
Is it because, she's better than you?
Did you get mad that you couldn't just love unconditionally?
Are you still playing hide n seek with your dad?
You broke my heart that day daddy
That's the day you stopped being my daddy

Dad,
How is it you can't say sorry, and really wish you hadn't hurt me so?
When you hear me pour out my heart to you, tears flooding my face
Eyes burning red, and hardly able to catch my breath
You remain cold, silent unchanged
You're sorry
Lets never forget that... That you're sorry I feel this way
You're sorry I want you to explain why you hurt mommy?
And why you've never looked at me with pride in your eyes?

Dad,
You're so clueless to the damage you have done
A little girl needs her father
He's supposed to show her how a man is supposed to treat her like a princess
But, that was impossible, for you are the monster that guards the castle
You taught me things
You taught me love hurts
Love leaves
Love bleeds
And that the word love can mean nothing, even though its such a powerful word

Dad,
That was years ago
But, I carried around what I saw, what I heard and the feeling of your breath on my face when I displeased you
I grew up backwards
I thought craziness, pain and drama was the norm
As much as I despised you
As much as I hated even saying the word "dad"
If there was anyone around that was remotely like you
Anyone who yelled, pushed, threatened or verbally beat me so low I could barely stand
I let them in my life and said "oh I'm finally in love"

Father,
Don't get confused
Don't get my words twisted
This is far from all your fault
I stayed in the relationships that caused me extreme amounts of heartache
My mistakes in life will always be mine
But, if you dare try and say your hands clean, I may show you another thing or two I learned from you "daddy"
The corner was the safest place until I finally got away
And clung to mommy to save me from the bad man
She became mom and dad
She filled your shoes way better than you ever could
Are you still sorry I feel that way?

Father,
This has gone on too long
Chasing acceptance and love from a man who didn't get it himself,
So how could he give it back right?
No. But, that's what you say to help you sleep at night
My hatred and anger towards you consumed me for many of my years
Everything lead back to, why doesn't he love me?
Why doesn't he want me?
Mom, what did I do wrong?
These were answers she didn't have answers for
So she just loved me more to try and make the void you created go away

Biological father,
Many things have changed over the years
I'm cracked, but no longer broken by the words you said, or couldn't say
I don't care about that look of disappointment in your eyes
Trust me, my disappointment for you is much stronger and much more powerful than the "standards" of yours I didn't fulfill
I haven't seen you in so long
I don't think I can remember the last time we spoke
Most of the time, I can't seem to fill in time when I've thought of you
You don't deserve my time
You aren't worth my words
And you'll never understand what I think
My life is a mystery to you

Daddy,
I will leave this world the same way I came in it to you
A person crying with wide eyes
Wide curious eyes that never really saw you
A person with no words that you'd understand
Someone who simply just needed you to show up
To say "I love you"
But, I suppose even adults can't say things they don't understand

Daddy,
It's round two of hide n seek
I'm going to hide first this time
I'll hide for a minute
Then I'll quietly get up and slip away
You'll never be the wiser
You'll wonder how I got so good at this game
Well, don't you know what a great teacher I had?
The further I go, the clearer the skies get
The breeze is warm and inviting, the house I walk into has the door open, in fact, it's always been open
Eventually, you'll realize I'm not hiding, I left you without saying goodbye
Your eyes will fill with disappointment and your voice will shake with anger because, it's the only emotion you know how to express
My blank stare won't make it better
Taunting in a way
You'll open your mouth to really let me know how I am
But, ssshhh daddy
It's ok
I'm sorry you feel that way
Continue reading...
Dial Tone
Jaimee Michelle Mar 2014
Dial Tone
I called you today
Itd been months since we last spoke
And it was brief and awkward
I thought I was doing the right thing by reaching out to you
But I felt worse selfishly...
My phone call meant nothing to you
You couldn't even muster the strength to pretend to care
It was like you answered the phone to be cold, disinterested and just down right cruel
I know you heard my voice shaking
I know you know that it took all the courage I had inside me to dail that number
Our relationship is no relationship at all
You won't open the door
Even though I keep knocking
Why do I stand in the doorway, shut out, locked out?
Why do I think a relationship with you with fulfill my life?
Why did I think a "granddaughter" would light a fire under you?
Make you want to really hear mom's words from all those years ago, and reach back
Grab my hand and just say "I'm sorry"
But after all the venom spewed by me in furious moments... You felt you'd earned the right of the victim role
It makes cry and gag at the same time
I've been the victim of your bad parenting my whole life
The victim of your vicious words
Lack of respect and sensitivity
Helpless to your violent ways
But yet, I kept pleading with you to help me fix us
But in your eyes only I need fixing
And even if you don't feel that way, you refuse to admit it
My hearts been broken too many times to go on this
Nothing about you is home to me
I called you today
You took 2 mins to make me feel small and unlovable
It took me 24hrs to get your voice and your lack of concern outta my head
I may always want you to be part of my life
Even though, you've done nothing to earn me continuously being the bigger person
The sad goodbye
The phone call I instantly regretted
Made me wonder if you'd regret it one day too
But I hung up the phone while in the midst of a teary goodbye
I won't call again
I won't
I can't
The line is dead
Dad... The lines been disconnected. I hope you can live with it.
Continue reading...
Doll
Jaimee Michelle Mar 2015
Doll
Most of the time I fear I'm just a fool for you
And that you are my favorite
And maybe I'm just your favorite doll
You can play with me whenever you want, then put me on the shelf to collect dust because you know I'll be right here when you want me again
Sometimes it's hours
Sometimes it's weeks
But on the shelf I sit, eagerly waiting for you return
Nothing brightens me up more then when you come back
Even when you make me angry I want you around
I want you around even when you make me sad
And the only sense of that I can make is that I am more miserable without you
And there are times that you never put me back on the shelf
You make me feel so needed
You play with my hair and ask me about my day
You let me be myself
Even when I'm not so pretty
And it's all so overwhelming, how could I ever walk away?
How could the restless moments waiting for you overrule all those moments of happiness?
All your words can't be lies
All your feelings can't be fake
So why do you always leave?
Why do you always have to find another doll?
And why does she seem to get the better parts of you, when I accept all the worst parts of you?
Even on the days I sit lifeless, tears silently falling down my cheeks
Why am I not enough?
What more could I give to be enough?
The only doll you want around?
I know when you go, you're always going to come back
But, it's getting harder to always bare a smile when there's so much hurt inside
I can't walk away
I've tried
I don't want to be the one who always sits on this shelf
I want to mean more
I want you to feel a pang from my absence
I want what I want to matter
I want this shelf to burn down into the ground
So when the smoke clears you realize you don't have anywhere to just leave me
That maybe I never belonged on the shelf in the first place
I want you to see, I'm the doll worth keeping
I want to see I'm not just your fool
Playing a part that'll never just be mine
Or I need you to just say what I dread
That I am just your favorite fool
And a place on your shelf is all I'm ever going to have
Continue reading...
Empty Grasp
Jaimee Michelle May 2013
Empty Grasp
How can you hold something so tight
Your knuckles are white
Your jaw is clenched
Tears are always on the brim of your eyes
Fear tapping on your shoulder
Pain'll lessen if you open your hand
Let go of your grasp
But, the thought of letting go hurts a little more than holding on..
How is holding something so tight that's not even there, be so hard to let go of?
Continue reading...
Fighter
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Fighter
I have to fight this
The urgency to talk to you
The loneliness from taking over me
Not to hide from a world that seems ugly without you
I have to fight the need to need you
To hear your voice
To have it make the pain go away
You're gone
Idk if you're coming back
So I have to fight
I have to fight the urge to hold on and wait for you.. When you may never come
I have to fight forever
Because forever fades away
I've got to fight the want to keep you with me
If only my heart would join the fight...
Continue reading...
Fighter
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Fighter
I have to fight this
The urgency to talk to you
The loneliness from taking over me
Not to hide from a world that seems ugly without you
I have to fight the need to need you
To hear your voice
To have it make the pain go away
You're gone
Idk if you're coming back
So I have to fight
I have to fight the urge to hold on and wait for you.. When you may never come
I have to fight forever
Because forever fades away
I've got to fight the want to keep you with me
If only my heart would join the fight...
Continue reading...
Homeless
Jaimee Michelle Dec 2013
Homeless
They say home is where the heart is
But, when your heart is torn in two..
Where is home then?
Where are you supposed to go?
Do you just stand there shakily at the crossroads
Miserable with absolute no clue which path is meant for you?
The "home" you're stalled at now could very well bring you all that happiness you've been longing for
And the "home" you keep glaring at might just be a uncomfortable comfort you can't let go of..
But, desperately need to
This is the unknown
With no end in sight, just a circle of demanding questions and icy tears on your cheeks
And in the meantime your heart is homeless....

My heart is homeless
Continue reading...
How
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
How
How could it come to this?
Where did this fork in the road come from, and why didn't we go the same way?
I thought we were on the same path
How come you suddenly sped up and I couldn't follow?
You were always right there
With a goofy grin and cozy arm
Laying beside you was my favorite thing to do
Everything with you was an adventure
It always felt brand new
As clumsy as I was, and as much as I fumbled my words.. I always felt the best around you
How come you took that away?
It feels like it must be something I did
Something I said, something I forgot to say..
I've spent so much time wondering and missing you and the "what we could've been?"
I've surpassed the time we were actually bonded together
But, I just didn't see an end with us
Things got hard sometimes, but that's just life
I always thought we brought out the better person in each other
How can you forget the endless laughter?
I haven't forgotten my endless tears..
How come you have?
Why does it feel like you strung me along to continue to satisfy your needs?
Afraid to be alone when she wasn't around?
How could I be so pathetic that I sat there and let my heart break just so I could keep a piece of you..
A piece
A piece I also lost
There was no battle
There wasn't a war
Just you surrendering with your white flag and vanishing from the battlefield
As I stood there bruised and battered
Crying and falling to my knees pleading
How could you let me do that?
I wanted a clean break
You clung onto me and I let you
So whose fault is this really?
I retreated so slowly
Always looking over my shoulder
Whispering "come back"
But, you're not
If you did, I wouldn't even know what to feel
You left when I needed you most
Difficult as I could be, I was always there when you needed me
But, this isn't tick for tac
I wish letting go meant what it says
Yes, I've let the idea of us go
But, I still miss you
I still wish on that tiny star in the sky sometimes
How could I dream of you, when you don't even think of me?
It's not about actions
Or words
Just facts
And the fact is, I'm still asking "how come" when you're not even asking "How are you?"
You started a spark, which caused a fire
How come I wasn't around to watch it go out, and how come I didn't see you throw water on the flames?
Why are these silly sad tears back on my face?
When do I start to be angry and resent you for all this?
Why is it that I just can't?
I still remember everyday we spent together like it was yesterday
I see my smiles in pictures
They've all faded
And my hearts become a broken record
And a stomping ground
How could it come to me almost wishing we'd never met, so I wouldn't have to hurt like this?
Continue reading...
How will you feel when that day comes?
Jaimee Michelle Aug 2013
How will you feel when that day comes?
How will you feel when that day comes?

"CONGRATS..HOPE THAT THINGS TURN OUT THE WAY THAT YOU WANT THEM TO"-dad➡➡ my response to this, thanks for your typical "I don't really give a **** but I'll say it in a way that it appears I care." You make me so ****** angry!!!! You've crippled me my whole life and I let you! I never wanted or was gonna tell you cause I knew the ******* you'd say. And I'm sure Erin will let emily&Zach; know their going to be "half aunts and uncles" cause she had to make it clear, there was a difference. But, I'm just a ******* lying ****** so what do I know? It's not my fault the evil ***** let her brother **** himself in jail cause you guys are all about "tough love" and now she lives with the guilt and has taken it out on me. I'm sorry he died b/c ppl couldn't understand addiction is a disease, no one wants to live that way! But, I hope she has night terrors til the day she dies. And you, how could you be a grandfather when you weren't even a father?! You're just poison and that's all you'll ever be. My Father's Day card remains true. Cut me outta your will, as if we're or especially me are even in it! Idc! Uncle George wasn't on good terms with his son but he tried to fix it! And the son just couldn't spend more than two hrs with him and now he's gone forever. How will you feel when that day comes?
Idk if these last two you would consider poems but, I literally just exploded on the inside... I feel my heart breaking from my uncle passing, and my dads no effort to ever make up for treating me like I was worthless my whole life. "I'm sorry" "I'm sorry I let you down as a father." Was all I'd ever wanted to hear. Now I've got to find a way to let go and find peace on my own. For my unborn child's sake.
Continue reading...
I am me again
Jaimee Michelle Aug 2013
I am me again
I never saw this coming
There was no light at the end of the tunnel
Your grip on me was so strong
How could I escape?

You were wonderful at first but. You quickly changed
And suddenly I needed you way more than you'd ever need me
But you because so cruel, if I tried to ignore you, you'd make me so crazy I had to see you

I want out of here
I don't want to be around you anymore
You're not my friend, you're like a poison slowing killing my soul
I wasn't even a shadow of who I'd been
I cried so many nights, wanting to reach out but, judgement scared me more than you

You weren't my only enemy
No the devil was by my side everyday, every night feeding me with lies
And constant excuses on why we needed to see you
I hated it so much, I was trapped
If I didn't do what he said, I faced harsh consequences, and I was just as afraid of him as I was of you
What in the hell was I gonna do to get out of this hell that was my life now

All of the sudden something dark and scary took me away from the both of you
A foolish mistake saved me
It forced me to see you and him in a realistic light
I spent many nights lonely, in pain and ashamed

The gates finally opened
As the fresh air hits my face, I smile but then quickly realize what's happening
I have my choices back
And you're right around the corner
And HE is coming
I know what I should do, I know I should tell you to *******...
But, when I'm around him I become weak
I lose my voice
So we hung out with you a few more times

I was crying, sweating, freezing and hating myself
I already did this! Why the hell did I go back to your house for?
Why am I with him, I can see in his eyes that he's sinking deeper
He's with you all the time
And I never wanna see you again
And I won't

So life went into different direction fast
A path I never ever thought it'd be possible for me to be on
I was seeing everything and everyone for exactly what they were
He was the worst, and as days passed, he grew darker and any loving feelings I had ever felt from him were gone
And so were mine, in fact I couldn't find a single reason to care anymore

It took longer than I wanted for things to end with him
Even though he was nothing but toxic
I couldn't seem to work up the courage to just say "it's over, we don't belong together"
I played every trick in the book
I was cold and distance, distracted
But, it just caused fights
And the fights meant nothing to me, no guilt or remorse filled my heart
I just wanted my indifference to make him leave

As usual, the **** literally hit the fan
Our last blow out was huge, earth shattering
Though I no longer desired him, his words sliced me right to the core, bringing out anger that I'd buried for so long
Trapped, no way out, you took control of the situation
In my own home, my parents upstairs sleeping with no clue the evil happening below them
He almost took everything from me
My breathing was none existence, I was seeing dark spots, fading away slowing
This can't be the way it ends
And I didn't even get to say goodbye to my mom

Abruptly he backed away
I lay there gasping for air
Crying while holding my broken heart in my hand
I climbed In my bed, sobbing, looking at the wall, holding my broken heart tightly in my hand
I never thought I could hate someone as much as I hated him

The next day brought sun and a mixture of tears
As I remembered every disturbing moment from last night
Ignoring the bruises in the mirror
It was over, I repeated these words to him over and over
His arrogance had him in shock
As if the night before hadn't taken place
And even though tears filled my eyes as I repeated my words
I wasn't crying over the loss of him, but the fact that it took a glimpse of death to free myself of him

But, the tragedy turned into a victory for me
Not because he got what he deserved
That I was free from him and you
Thinking about either makes me laugh now
The demons are slowly exiting my body and soul
He's still trapped
You'll always be one of my biggest mistakes

But,  I'm over you both.
And there's no way in hell I'd ever come back
No need for goodbyes
There's no sentiment being left behind
Just an empty man... Whose completely clueless to what's happened
Just give it time
People won't forget the evil things he did

But they will forget you
Hands had been extend to him
To help
But, he'd say " I have no problem"
And that's ok
But, maybe when hes 40 and still in the same place, And everyone has moved on, he'll see he wasn't the only evil one in the room... You were lurking in the shadows, whispering his name and he couldn't ignore you
And all that time is just gone now

He was just part of my addiction
Part if my fear of not being alone
But the second I made him go
The darkness was lifted, the sun came out
And I saw a world, I'd missed out on
If I'd stayed, well never mind that's wasn't an option

In the late of night
The devil tried to steal my light from me forever
There was nothing but hate in his  eyes
He knocked me down hard and repeated
I got up. I got out. I got a little braver

And then I got up, free and far away from you
No longer poisoned
I am not his prisoner
I'm no longer at either of your beck and call

I am free. I am me

I am me again
Continue reading...
I don't know what to call it
Jaimee Michelle Oct 2016
I don't know what to call it
Is this a poem? Not in the true form of poetry I'd say. Is it straight from my heart, raw emotion and deafening heartbreak like most poems express? Yes. Beyond that. I've been hurt, lied to, cheated on, abandoned, abused and been left crying alone in the dust several times over my life. But when part of you knows the person who's breaking your heart doesn't and didn't deserve you and that even though you're afraid to be alone, it's a blessing that they're leaving you behind... The heart break isn't so traumatic. It's the adjustment to be alone again that is the real struggle. Eventually with each of these people that broke my heart at one point, I realized I was never in love with them. I was never comfortable in my own skin with them and I too had one foot out the door. But when you meet someone and you just click. Nothing has to be forced. Things aren't awkward and the relationship has a momentum all its own. It's different. It's easy. There's room to breathe and just relax. When you can be100% yourself with no judgement but still keep things real and call each on the others ******* and it doesn't end in bloodshed and you grow closer... That's something entirely different. When you can talk for hours or sit in silence. Have amazing *** but also just lay next to each intimately without getting physical. When you fight but can't stay mad. When you tell each other everything. When you realize you found a best friend and a lover too. When hearing their name brightens your face, when everyone around you sees it too. When you get to the day you're wondering where the **** has this person been all my life and then you realize when you're laying besides them that "I love you" is constantly on the tip of your tongue... That's when you know it's different. It's real and even when it's difficult you still want it and don't go wandering to see where the grass might be greener... When they do something outta the blue that rocks your world so hard, and the anxiety takes over because if you lose this, if it dies an unnatural death.. It'll devastate you. Unravel you. And even though part of you is so mad, angry and feeling betrayed and a little stupid, you're silently hoping they'll say anything to take back what they've done. Explain it so not only can you understand but also forgive. When you just are dying to see the sorrow, regret and remorse in their eyes because it just can't end here. Not like this. Not when everything has just been falling into place with no extra effort. When it's to the point you've become a pair, a team a unit. When it's 4am and you can't stop checking your phone. When you realize it could potentially end before you ever got to tell them you loved them because you just barely figured it out yourself... When forgiving and moving forward means more than being angry and right... That's when you know you're life isn't complete without them. And that's when you know.. And you just want them to know. And you're on your knees praying you haven't been tricked. That this moment won't actually define who they are and destroy who you thought you knew. When you are dying to say " I hate you so ******* much right now! How could you treat me this way?! How could you be all the things you swore you weren't?! And how come I don't hate you at all?!!!" How come I don't hate you...

I love you
Continue reading...
I just talk to myself
Jaimee Michelle Apr 2015
I just talk to myself
It's 2am and I'm sitting here thinking bout you, wondering where ya are, what you're doin.. It's stupid. And idk think you're constantly thinking about me when I'm not around or wondering what I'm doing when I don't answer the phone for days.. I'm too attached to you and from my experience the person who's more attached always gets hurt in the end.. I gotta figure out a way to distance myself a lil bit but I say that a million times a day and I can't follow through....I can't want you around all the time. Even if we were officially dating that wouldn't be healthy.. Idk what I'm gonna do but I gotta do something.. I just gotta

The gravitational force that keeps me orbiting around you seems to outweigh my will to walk away.
I don't even want to walk away
I get choked up just at the thought of you finally believing me when I tell you "I'm done."
We play tug of war with each other
Constantly pushing the other well past their limits knowingly and neither one of us knows what we're gonna do when one of us finally gives.
This conversation we've had a 1000 times but we never come to a solution
Do you obsess over this like I do?
Am I just going crazy with all this? Tell me if I'm reading into things that aren't there? Am I hearing words that you aren't saying? Or twisting the ones that you are saying?
****** why do you just shrug with a blank stare?
Are you just tolerating all this?? Am I falling and falling into purgatory?
Oh my god, here I go again! 3:11am and I am wondering and hoping if that blocked missed call was you.. Chewing on my finger nails hoping you'll or whoever will call back.. Curiosity is a *****.. Constant questions make me feel insane. Do you think I'm insane? Are you just as crazy? Or are you just as attached as I am but can hide it like a champ??

I'm not even tired but I'm talking to myself.. Having a conversation alone trying to answer for you. No answer ever really satisfies me because good or bad I argue it and try to disprove it..
Oh, do I ever need to back off and fall back.. Fall quietly back so you won't notice enough to a argue with me to stop. You always say stop. Just stop. Stop what?

Stop what???
Continue reading...
I'll put my gun away
Jaimee Michelle Feb 2014
I'll put my gun away
I feel so silly
Almost stupid
It's coming on 2 years since we first locked eyes
And we're not about to celebrate
I'm actually in morning over this great love I thought I had
I thought we had

Despite your games
And all the words to calm my nerves when things were going astray, I should've paid more attention to your actions
I should've forced myself to read in between the lines
I should've forced myself to walk away from you
Even if my beating heart laid in your hands as my feet made quiet steps on the pavement

I've been stuck
Over thinking, over questioning, over wishing and being overly pathetic over you
I've spent so much time pondering where it all went wrong
But, I'm starting to think it was never right
The path that lead me to yours was much more worn and you weren't ready for a rescue
Though I didn't want you to rescue me
Life's not a fairy tale
All I wanted was you and you alone
I thought you were the best thing to walk into my life
And to walk out

I'm still puzzled
Is it normal to stare at a door that's been closed for so long?
To still dream you're laying besides me
Only to wake up with the overwhelming awareness of your absence..
Do you even ever look back, or just glance at that door?
Or were you always halfway out if it with her
And it was never alright of me to ask you to stay

You were my gun
I was the trigger
And when the bullets ran out, so did you
Aimed right at my heart until there was nothing left
I can't even cry anymore
But, I feel so empty inside
And I don't understand how that can be
Because you never took your hand off the trigger until the fire ceased
And it didn't take long for them to run out and as shot apart as I was I chased you until it seemed you fell off the earth

And you probably never realized when you disappeared into the horizon you still had my heart in your hands
It's all been so wrong
There's no excuse for me to still be on my knees
Your life continues with her
I just wonder what you'll do when you discover my heart hidden in your drawer
Will any guilt eat at you, will you remember the trigger that lead you to be my gun?

This isn't silly
It's so so sad
And if it's alright with you
I'll take my heart back now
The timing isn't ever gonna be right
Neither are we
Even if I never let go
I'm empting these chambers
Crying as the bullets hit the floor
You might be the gun still
But there's nothing left, it's empty
Just a hollow clicking sound remains
We're out of rounds... Been out of rounds

I can't be stupid anymore
If you give me my heart back
I'll put my gun away

I'll put my gun away
Continue reading...
Ink
Jaimee Michelle Sep 2013
Ink
Ink
Ink is permanent
You can scratch and cross something out as much as you want
It's just a cover
You still know what's written there is forever
It's like saying something and instantly wanting to shove the words back in your mouth
Rewind the moment, then start over
Can't do that, those words are stuck, forever said
Forever remembered
You'll feel the guilt seep through your veins immediately
A million sorries will come gushing out of your mouth
You'll stumble over your words trying to take back the meaning of your original thought
But, if you said it, and they heard it... Doesn't matter if "it's not how you meant it."
The perception has made it's mark
Sometimes with devastating results
Promises of yesterday...
Can forever haunt your tomorrow
Why do we make promises we're not sure can be kept?
Are we all just full of ****?
Get caught up in the moment?
When someone breaks a promise to you, it breaks your heart
Shatters trust
So why do it back?
Spite?
Afraid to say no?
Are the words of confusion coming from in between your ears, or someone's mouth?
It shouldn't be so easy to doubt yourself if you were ever 100% sure
Now life looks like a huge piece of paper with crossed out pen markings, and ink everywhere  No escaping it, no matter how deeply you've scribbled over it
I put my pen down and sigh
Glance at the endless row of pens next to it
And all the broken pencils on the floor
Broken erasers, broken thoughts....
I just needed a pencil..
Continue reading...
I think I'll always....
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
I think I'll always....
I think I'll always wonder if it was love... Especially on my end.
I think I'll alway want to ask you if you give us a second thought the way I do all the time
I think I'll always ponder if timing had been better, would we have been?
I think I know that these questions will remained unanswered
I think I know some of them were dreams I must've had along the way
I think you were real at one point
I know I felt something from you when you looked into my eyes
I know it because I felt it too
I think as much as I want to hate you, I never will
I know I've gotta let all this go
I know I need to ignore the thoughts that keep me up at night
I think deep down I've known, I should've let you go
I know chasing fantasies will end in the same place you started
I think I'm afraid that if I let go I'll know it's really over
I know I'm afraid to erase our old messages because, it feels like I'm erasing us
I think I know who erased who first
And I know who cries over that
I wonder if you ever just looked at me and just felt relief
I worry I depended on what I thought you felt to get by
And I think what you're feeling now is a knife in my back
I want to know what it was that turned you away
I'm over pondering why you choose her and not me
But than I think, it took you so long to let go of me
I wish you weren't as selfish as I know you are
I know I want to be half as selfish of you
I wonder than if I could finally open my hand and scream aloud til the tears stopped rolling down my face
I think I wish you knew of this pain I'm trapped in
I know this push and pull didnt work for you.. And it's not for me
I think one day I'll be done with all this
I think I'm sure I'll never hate you
But, I know the girl writing this, won't be here waiting for you
I think maybe then you'll begin to ponder where I might be
I think maybe you will wish you could take another look at the door you closed so long ago
I know I can't know for sure
I think I'll always hope that you might
I think I'll always wonder&hope; what we had back then was true
I think I'll always....
Continue reading...
I wanted to apologize
Jaimee Michelle Oct 2013
I wanted to apologize
It's been a long time
A very long, drawn out time since I've seen your face
Please forgive my beat red face
And my stumbling words, cause I know I'm gonna get tongue tied
No, please don't.. Don't say a word
I don't want to remember the sound of your voice
I just want to get this.. How do I say it??
Ah! Burden off my chest
Again I apologize if some of my words don't come out right
You must know how many times I've played this conversation out in my head
The endings always different.. You look confused, see the ending changes when my mood changes
I've spent so many hours bouncing back and forth from longing for you to hating you.. Well you see where I'm going with this?
Ok it's now or never
So I just came to say IM SORRY
Shocked to hear that aren't ya?
Let me get through it, this won't be confusing for long
I'm sorry that I clung to you so tight
I'm really sorry that I thought you were holding me back just as tight
You were so different at first
I was literally in awe of you
In awe! As if you were a super star or something
And you seemed intrigued by me
I recall you telling me how I said things that no one else did
Quirky but cute I think is how you put it
Well quirks have a time limit I guess, because they just couldn't hold your attention
Don't get me wrong, everything was great at first
So fresh, so new... I truly couldn't get enough
And the way you were in the beginning blew me away
Always texting or calling me
Always wanting to see me
And then the real kick was, when we were together.. It was enjoyable! Relaxing, cuddly yeah that's how I describe it
But within about a month or so's time.. You don't get it but, huge fears set in for me
Ones I couldn't shake... And honestly maybe I just smelled your ******* long before you showed it
I'm not sure
But, my intense fear of losing you brought out jealousy and insecurities in me
I didn't think I was good enough for you
And lol, turns out I wasn't! Ok ok, I digress,
So I doubted things you said, asked too many questions
I "got complicated" as you guys say we do
But ya ever thought, if you made just a tiny bit of a bigger effort to let me know I meant something to you
That I was the only one you wanted, like you texted her the day after my ****** birthday
Don't look at me like I can't be mad
You cheated on me while living with me and on my birthday and when I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life
Yeah, I guess I'm still ****** at your selfishness cause then you dumped me, ran to her, than thought "hey! Jaimee and I def need to stay friends"
No we didn't
You don't like being alone just like I don't
But you'll never admit it because, that'd be like having a weakness
An emotional problem
And let's not get it twisted, IM THE ONE with all the problems not you
I see you desperately wanna say something to defend yourself well ****** save it
It's way too late for any of that ******* to surface
Can you believe I thought you were too good for me?
That we had this in breakable connection, and it was nothing I'd ever felt before
You threw away the one person who would've never asked you to change
And who would've.. Sorry, WHO DID wait for you and yeah, I would've waited and stayed forever
But she trumpets me
I don't see what the hell you see in her
Except that she's a arrogant snob just like you
Don't shake your ****** head
The last thing you are is humble
Silver spoon
I'm not getting into all that
There's a million more things I could say but, I'm over my limit of wasting time and thoughts on you
So yeah, I'm sorry
Sorry I saw a future that never existed
Sorry I chased a dream that was never dreamt
And I'm mostly sorry I chased a person for so long that I didn't even know
I don't know you
And I don't want to even remember what I thought I knew
That's why I've begged you not to speak
Which honestly, can't be that difficult for ya buddy
You never had **** to say when my heart was dying and your words could've revived it
But, I don't want to get awkward
Who feels a life line with a complete stranger?
It's crazy, I'm crazy like you said
But, I guess you were just really bored that's why I had to be around all the time
You had to call me every week once you went away
Even though you had your boy up there
And eventually you and it reconnected
I mean it is what it is right?
Yeah so I gotta go
I just needed to let you know I was sorry I hallucinated our whole relationship, and wasted so much of your time trying to convince you it was real
That we were a something
My meds work much better now
So does my detection of manipulation and games
Ok we'll, I for one feel better
Closure, it's an awesome thing right?
And hey, you didn't even have to say jack ****!
Just like you like
Haha, roll ya eyes but the truth can be annoying I know
Alright then... It's been real
Or fake
However you wanna look at it
I don't care anymore
No don't say anything, another bold face lie will send me into a blinding rage
No I'm not kidding
Alrighty, so my cars over there, so just don't me a favor..
Just keep quiet so I can savor this one truthful moment we had
And then forget why the **** I was talking you in the first place
Closure is oh so sweet.. I finally just see another ******* who blends in with the rest. It was nice never knowing you, glad we finished what never really happened. Yup.. DUECES✌✌✌
Continue reading...
Just once
Jaimee Michelle Nov 2013
Just once
I know what it's like to be forgot
For the phone to never ring once
To drive up to that house just to see all the lights out
To be so alone that your tears echo throughout the empty streets
I know what it's like to hold that knife and contemplate using it

I want to be remembered
Just once I want that phone to ring
To knock on the door of the once dark house to be greeted
To laugh so loud among others our voices become one throughout the empty streets
I want to know what it's like to never have picked up that knife

Just once...
Been hit with a lot of hard knocks lately... Feelin alone. It might not be the best but, it comes from the darkest part of my heart
Continue reading...
Life lets me be
Jaimee Michelle Aug 2013
Life lets me be
Somedays I'm so angry all I see is red
And it can't be fixed by words said
Sometimes I'm so lost in my own head
I feel I've lost months of my life
Theses moments filled with strife
People all around, but it's just me crying in front of that mirror
Am I ever gonna be someone's wife?
Or are things as grim as they appear?
They're are days so dark just the thought of leavin this bed hurts
Another day no show at work
The fact that most days I couldn't care less
Well, that stress could lead to an early death
Some nights I stare out my window
Staring at all the twinkling stars
I really question my life's purpose
The moonlight shines bright on all my scars
My head carries on like a circus
I bury my head in my knees, covering my ears
Shushing the negative voices that have been with me for years
Everyday I know I'm whining
All the time I want an easy fix
But nothin every sticks
All the time these chains are binding
I have to break free
This self hatred is quickly killing me
The key to unlock this madness lays on the floor just outta my reach
Taunting me
I think I get it
You gotta practice what you preach
Today no matter who's near, I'm the only one who can change
My eyes start to droop
Been up for days, so it's not all that strange
Over thinking, under doing
Under going
Glaring at the key
As if its all knowing
But I look at myself in the mirror again
The key does know how to change this gloomy fate
Going in this direction I'm clearly far from winning
Still not sure what I'm losing
Everything, everyone is gone
And I'm fading out like an over played song
I'm losing me to me
I slide to the ground, chains clinking against each other
All wrapped up I lay my head down
Stare out the window
My mind goes blank
And tonight for a short period of time
Life lets me be
Its been a rough couple of years, but these are feelings I've had pretty much my whole life. Not feeling sorry for myself, I'm no victim.. Just needed to vent, and wonder does anyone else ever feel this way too...?....
Continue reading...
Master of the art
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Master of the art
Dear Ex;

It seems you've perfected the art of lying
To a level I didn't think could be surpassed after my ex

It's been over a year since we first met
I wish I had seen the lies behind those hazel eyes

It's almost the month we broke up, and you moved out
And moved right into someone else's bed

Devastated I took off running, sobbing the whole time
Retracing every step we'd taken to figure out when it really ended

But, then suddenly you reappear like a ghost in the night
Haunting me to the point I just gave in so the push and pull would stop

It never stopped. Not for a very long time, and you remained oblivious to the pain you were causing me
But, yet there I was every time you called

You couldn't make up your mind and went from "just friends" to "open dating" to "i dont ******* know "
But, you can scratch out friends b/c "just friends" don't act and do the stuff we did. Nope.

And I don't care if two former lovers decide to "stay friends" They don't hangout like 6 days a week
And they don't kiss, cuddle, or sleep in each others beds..... Especially, when one had moved on

I spent my whole last summer with you, half your girlfriend and other who the hell knows
But, I was far from just your friend... It angers me how you couldn't admit it THEN or NOW

Your lies are still spreading like wild fire all over town
Yet, I am the only one getting burned. Everyone else just stands on the side lines, safe from the blaze

You're so far away from me, yet your presence feels like its right next to me
But, I can't smack an invisible feeling

You act so innocent, as if everything was written so clearly, how could I ever misunderstand??
When you're dating a girl, but you tell your ex she's the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON TO YOU in the world..... I guess it got me confused

Waking up everyday to you being in my bed
Sitting on the couch watching movies, snuggled up
I have some guy friends, and we've never cuddled, kiss, of slept in the same bed

I'm starting to feel you're just a child
A boy with no clue that his actions affect the people around him

I've been love sick over you for a year. A year!
A year wasted, devoted to someone whose real problem is, he can't be alone

My anger is blinding, I see nothing but red , and I'm ok with that
You don't deserve all the free passes you got, and when this relationship you built with a house of cards falls in every which way... Not one part of me will feel pity for you

You think you're above us, you most definitely think you're above me. Ha, you couldn't be that honest on a good day
I may have my problems, that make it difficult to be w/me, but I own them. You were offered multiple ways out, multiple times and you stayed

I can't live like this anymore
I can't live with so much emotion toward a person whose in denial about everything that happened
Whether I'm furious at you, of wasting away in my own tears... The clock is ticking and I don't want to wake up one day with an empty bed and just flooded thoughts of you

I would've done anything for you, taken a billet for you
You couldn't handle that raw emotion because, you're terrified of your own

Keep letting her control you and lead you down a path, willingly or not
Sleep next to her at night, staring at the window, wondering what the hell is missing in your life
Why rolling over and watching her sleep won't fill that void

You'll waste more time than you realize, you think you're so young, but that clock never stops ticking
And by the time you realize where your arrogance has gotten you
It'll be far to late to make the change, you should've made years before

Never again will I wait for you, listen to your hollow words, or believe those forced tears or maybe real tears....
But, my patience and sympathy has long run out for you
They'll never measure up to the amount I've cried

I'm not going to be typical and just say "I've let him go." But, my fingers uncurled, my knuckles have color in them again
My hand is fully open, the fantasy, false hope and unrealistic senerios just shatter across the floor
There's spots of blood on some of the shards from cutting me as they fell...

I laugh a laugh I've never heard myself make before
I walk across the broken glass, I don't feel a thing. I see my ****** footsteps behind me as I make my way to the door

I unlock the door, and squint as the bright, hopeful sun hits my eys, tear stained but no longer crying
Blood drips down my fingers and I feel it in between my toes
Still there is no pain

You perfected the art of lying
I perfected learning to remain alive through intense, endless at times, pain

I shut the door behind me, I don't lock it
I want you to walk in when no one answering the knocking
I want you to feel a rush of panic run through your veins as you wonder if I'm lying dead in this house somewhere, you've called my name, no response

The neighbors stare as I continue up the street, some asking if I need help
I shake my head no, with a genuine grin on my face

I've been on sitting on the other side, the borderline of where shattering glass shocks you into the real world again
I was afraid of facing the pain, of leaving this house and never having "someone like you" in my life again

I laught uncontrollably at that thought
Yours no more than a little boy, with issues he can't face, so you just harp on others

You're still standing in the shards of all the broken glass
You bend down, a picture of you and I, in shambles covered in my years and my blood, the very blood that pumps through my heart which you once had

You call out my name, it just echoes around the empty house, left in shambles that we once called home
You stare at the picture of me and you, a tear maybe slides down your cheek.. I can't be sure
You begin to move around the glass in the room calling out "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

It's beyond too late,  I'm gone with ****** footsteps behind me, and a smile on my face
I don't glance back one time, my neck feels like its be twisted like an owls
I can't imagine turning around, after finally just letting my heart shatter on the ground
I was free

You're in the living room now
Tables&chairs; flipped over, torn love letters all over the floor, along with ripped up pictures of you and I
Suddenly you feel an ache in your chest

But, you've mastered the art of lying, you cried wolf too many times
I mastered the art of living in pain for so long,
With each step a piece of glass falls from my foot

And my ****** footprints fade away with every passing step further away from you

I mastered the art of leaving you, when you needed me most....
While you still scream out desperately "I'm sorry!"

Soon you'll master the art of what it's like to spend the rest of your life living in guilt
And wanting a person who you forgot about so long ago
And now, I'm slowing mastering the art of forgetting you
Continue reading...
Me
Jaimee Michelle Jul 2013
Me
Me-
Broken
Cold
Sweaty
Nervous

Me-
Hurt
Lonely
Lost
Tangled
Stuc­k

Me-
Terrified
Love
Loving
Soft
Whispering
Disappointed
Defeate­d
Wrong

Me-
Missing
Puzzles
Blurry
Faces
Tired
Pieces

Me-
Lonely
Longing
Wishing
Hoping
Realization
Slowly

Me­-
You
Far
Cold
Burning
Crying
Learning

Me-
Without
Faith
Stupidi­ty
Denial
Wanting
Losing

Me-
Empty
Waiting
Impatient
Time
Lingering
Running
Hopeless

Me-
Sobbing
Falling
Accepting
H­eartbreak
Screaming
Anger
Questions
You
A poem I wrote a few months back, just found it and thought I would share it. It's different style for me.
Continue reading...
Midnight Again
Jaimee Michelle Mar 2015
Midnight Again
Midnight again
Exasperated sigh from the insomnia
I find myself staring at a blank piece of paper, pen in my hand
Thoughts of you flooding my mind again
What can I write that I haven't already said
How many different ways can I express my desire for you and the heartache from not having you
Well not having you to myself
I guess the exhausted question is, is it better to have a piece of you or would it be better to just wash my hands of this completely?
I'm alone
And you're never alone
When we're together, I can force myself to forget that there's someone else
I force myself to stay in that moment of just you and me
And the feelings I get are so euphoric
I feel so happy
And I begin to fantasize that it could be this way forever
How insanely ridiculous to set myself up that way
Cause you leave, and the torment starts all over again
I miss you as if I haven't seen you in months
And I kick myself because this is all my fault
If I had just walked away all the times I told myself I should
After all the times I'd say I was done
But I just can't
My life doesn't feel right without you in it
Maybe it's the excitement of the chase
Or the overwhelming loneliness I feel and fear in general
I wonder if I gave you an ultimatum
If I made you choose life with me and just me
Or life without me at all
If you'd realize you fear life without me too
Or if you'd walk away with no hesitation at all
Every time I try to ask
My mouth goes dry
I can barely swallow the lump in my throat
It's like I can't breathe
So I save it for another day
And another
And then another
And despite my procrastination
Daylight has begun to creep through the night sky
It's another day
Another chance for resolution, no matter how bitter
But if I never find the backbone to ask you...
Will I ever find the strength to leave you.....
A. #fallinforafriend #itssocomplicated #hesscaredthstwithmeitssoreal #excuses? #truth #icantseemtowalkaway #weak
Continue reading...
Missed
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Missed
I miss you
You're not missing me
I missed you before you left
You may have missed me for a day or two
I miss they way we'd ride around in your car and stare at the stars
I miss how you used to hold the door open for me
I miss how whenever we sat down no matter who was in the room, you sat so close to me when your arm around me tight
I miss the way it felt to lay on your chest at night
I miss the way we laughed when we woke up to the other one just staring waiting
I miss the way you used to look into my eyes and the whole world disappeared
I miss when you wanted me around all the time
I miss when no one could make me doubt you
I miss the way we used to sit on the couch in "our" house and watch movies , with the puppy curled up besides us
I miss meeting you at work on your lunch breaks
I miss knowing I was the only one who made you smile
I miss being the only one you called "mine"
I miss the days when I trusted you weren't texting someone else
I miss when I trusted you with my life
I miss that sparkle in your eye
I miss how you face lite up when you saw me and we'd both be awkward for a moment or two
I miss that my acceptance used to be enough
I miss that I used to be enough
I miss how you used to hold me and wipe my eyes when I cried
I miss that I missed the moment things began changing
I miss that instead of asking less questions, I just tried to get you to look at me how you used to
I miss the fact that I never knew how serious our problems were
I miss the way I could talk to you like no one else
I miss the day before it all came to head

I don't miss listening to you telling me goodbye and standing emotionlessly
I don't miss how unaffected you seemed by my tears
I don't miss frantically trying to get a hold of you and you ignoring me the whole time
I don't miss you're excuses
I don't miss watching you lie right to my face
I don't miss that you just thought another guy would erase you from my heart
I don't miss how you're such a hypocrite and in the same sentence would beg me to stay in your life
I don't miss all the random moments I burst into tears simply because you weren't there
I don't miss every night I knew you were with her
I don't miss how when the sun came up the next day, you were at my door again
I don't miss how I always let you in, and how I clung to every moment with you
I don't miss the involuteery see saw ride you put me on while you tried to make up your mind
I don't miss all those hours I prayed you'd come back to me
I don't miss how when I would snap and tell you to "*******"
I'd cave the second you text my phone

I miss the vacations we took together
I don't miss the way you seemed to have just forgotten
I miss how you were always getting mad at me for letting people walk all over me
I don't miss how you became one of them
I miss how every time you came around, no other guy could touch me or how you'd put your legs across me to mark your territory
I don't miss how when I did that, you still saw her
I miss when I thought you were so different than every other guy
I don't miss realizing you weren't
I miss how hard it was for you to tell me goodbye and that you had tears in your eyes too
I don't miss that just because she had more money she got to be the one to come visit you
I miss the phone calls every week
I don't miss when she moved in and they stopped
I miss how I never saw this coming
I don't miss that in your mind I'll always be here waiting

I miss you
Continue reading...
Much too late
Jaimee Michelle Aug 2014
Much too late
I no longer see you as an option in my life
Even as a friend
To be a friend, one most know how to appreciate a friend
You appreciate nothing
You expect, demand I wait for you to change your course like you always do
I wonder if you'll ever come to terms with how incredibly selfish you truly are
I used to think we were connected by our souls
Now I see that would be impossible
If you have a soul, I haven't seen it
And I'm banking it's been awhile since you have too
As angry as I am for your once again, knife to my back
I'm more hurt that when you were at your knees and I ran to your side and helped you up
You got stable just enough to put me back in my place
And simply walk away as I bleed
A line was crossed that day, trickled with sorrow filled blood
I don't know who you are
And I know you'll be back eventually as someone else
But after limping, heartbroken and betrayed over this line
I turned and throw a lit match and cried as it went up in flames
But not tears of sadness this time
Tears of relief
For I am never stepping foot by the line again
So you no longer have a path to me
All you'll find is a ****** knife surrounded by ash
With no where left to go
No more options
No one waiting
Maybe then you'll appreciate what you once felt connected to
It'll be too late
Much too late
Continue reading...
My Drug
Jaimee Michelle Jan 2015
My Drug
You're an addiction I need to quit
A dangerous habit I need to force myself to kick
The good feelings I get that run deep in my veins never last long
Before I know it, I'm used up and you're gone
The explosion of emotions I go through are too intense to take
I go crazy trying to think of excuses to see you, no matter how fake
When you come back around it's never as good as the last
And I'm starting to wish id never met you and that these cravings would pass
But when I pull away, you cling on to me
You know what to say, what to do to make me weak and you ignore my muttered pleas
You know you're bad for me, you're aware that you have me hooked
I try to scream no, but all it takes from you is just one look
I'm losing myself to you
Trying to claw my way out, clutchin at anything or anyone to run back to
You are the drug and I'm your best buyer
I confuse all these feelings with love like emotions, even though I know you're nothing but a liar
I'm numbing my feelings of emptiness with you
And I know you're lonely too
But what you won't allow yourself to see is, I'm not using you the same way you're using me
Continue reading...
My Ugly Abc's
Jaimee Michelle Dec 2013
My Ugly Abc's
A-ngry
B-roken
C-lumsy
D-enial
E-nvious
F-ear
G-reedy
H-umilated
­I-gnored
J-ealous
K-akorrhapiophobia
L-onely
M-anic
N-ervous
O-bs­essed
P-estimistic
Q-uitter
R-egret
S-orry
T-ormented
U-gly
V-ain­
W-orried
X-treme
Y-earning
Z-apped
Continue reading...
My unheard rant
Jaimee Michelle Oct 2016
My unheard rant
If you didn't want to hangout with me, why didn't you say so? Why did you say you were picking me up at work? And then why did you tell me to relax that you were def coming? Just to then ignore all my calls and texts? It makes no sense whatsoever to me. You say no freely all the time to me. And then you get **** through ken who I thought you hated, didn't trust and talk **** about me to him? Over some **** I thought we squashed awhile ago? Did you tell him to call me to tell me he'd seen you? Was today all some big plan that I just really don't understand at all?? I mean you knew if you told me you were coming that I was going to be wondering where you were and ****, so why do that if you had no intentions of coming through? You're last message to me was " I'm def coming through. Relax" then you fell off the face of the earth and ken starts hitting me up. Why go through all this trouble just to ******* off and hurt me when you could've simply not hit me back to tell me you were picking me up at work? And then after that, why didn't you just tell me "something came up so I can't come" instead of promising you were coming? I've been in tears almost all night. Does that mean anything to you???


I do everything and anything you ask or say you need without a second thought. Even if it ends up ****** me over. But I always have your back because I care and I don't want to see you suffer so if I can help I will even if I have to go without.. Even when you don't get me back when you say you will, if you ask me for something else I give it to you. Because I thought we had a mutual bond where we both looked out for each other. That's how things were as of Wednesday when I got money and you needed XYZ. ****, you don't even really ask anymore, you just assume I'll take care of you. But I liked that! But also because I thought it went both ways..I rarely even ever ask you to get me back unless I'm in a tight spot cause I don't care that much... I mean nothing you've done or said indicated you were truly feeling hate towards me like tonight. I'm not trying to call you a liar but has everything been a huge lie a ****** big joke? Have I been that ******* blind? Do you really feel some type of way to act and pretend how you feel about me and **** cause it'd be worth it to fake it to destroy me at some point? I literally cried my eyes out over you tonight because I thought we were past the disappearing acts, the saying you're coming and then never showing up.. I thought over the past few weeks we'd gotten closer. I mean do you really come over my house and play uno and **** for hours to fool me so you can do something ****** that takes me by surprise to really hurt my feelings? I'm ****** up over this. I'm extremely fuckex up in general.. Trying to push it as far as I can at this point.. If you don't care you coulda told me so long ago...

There was no reason to go to the extremes you went to tonight to hurt me to make a point. What point, idk... That you don't care? Hate me? Wanted to see me suffer an enormous amount? Get blown off, talked about, tricked and robbed? I've never even done anything intentional to hurt you once, where did this come from? Now I'm a mess, ****** up my hearts racing, I've already had a panic attack. I can't sleep and I thought just maybe you'd explain anything at some point. Even if some *******, I know you had to seen my messages especially after ken got involved and I might seem crazy but what just happened to me and someone saying you set me up, how could I not be hysterical?? You don't have to throw the boyfriend girlfriend thing at me either cause that's not relevant. You don't treat someone how you treated me tonight that you say you're friends with tight with In many ways, do everything with, just bonded like I thought we were. I guess what is really getting me is I was just telling someone tonight how great you are and how you treat me better then any guy I've been with in any type of relationship with. That I can be myself and that you're true to my face and behind my back.. How's that for irony??? Or a knife to the chest. I know I won't sleep tonight but I will find a way to not continue to pour my heart out and cry if this is just reality now and you just couldn't possibly care less

Oh **** I forgot one of the biggest things ken told me, That YOU WERE WITH SOME CHICK! And that's one of the things you swore you'd always be honest about, that you prided yourself on not be a cheater or scumbag like that of any kind.. And I believed you.. Even of my moments of severe paranoia jealous and worry, I believed deep down that's not the kinda guy you were and you'd never want to hurt someone the way you were hurt like that.. And when he told me that, that's what convinced me to go down there and waste money and have to deal with him even though I can't ****** stand him. He said you'd just been there with her talking **** about me and I thought, maybe they're still there and I can see with my own eyes, or maybe when I see ken in person I'll know he's lying.. But I didn't get a chance because he stole my money and ran.. Then said you told him to do it with the one response I managed to get. All that was like being punched in the gut repeatedly and I got to walk through kp crying while drug dealers asked if I ****** ****.. How true it is when you say I'm so gullible and naive. I feel so stupid like such a huge horrible joke.
You weren't supposed to make me feel this way.. Or say these words, have these doubts. You promised you weren't this way. And now I'm a confused wreck and everything hurts..
Continue reading...
No One
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
No One
No one wants to hear about you anymore
It's over, it's done
You've moved on, no matter what you actually feel for her you're with her
And it makes me sick to my stomach and I can't help it
You think I wanna feel this pain anymore?
Miss you enough to still cry to anyone who will listen?

I never planned on you becoming such a big part of my life
I don't care if we've only know each other a year
And we were only together a short time
And then more time, but it's complicated and only you and I know the truth...
I've told the truth repeatedly
You haven't told it once
Nor have you ever apologized for all the grief, endless loneliness and countless nights crying myself to sleep
And there's a great chance you never will
And no, I don't want to think about you anymore either

You probably think some of my actions are out of jealousy
Spite
And anger that you let her just take control, and toss me to the wayside
None of those things are true
I am hurt, angry and disappointed you became everything you promised you weren't
But, my jealousy has dissipated
I don't want the confused, tormented, selfish man that went away
I wanted the beauty of a kind, intelligent, protective and affectionate man I saw in you
Who would never lie
Never cheat
And would fight for what we had
Not someone who'd give up and move on to something more simple

I wish I could tell you nothing I've ever said or done was in malice....
Well, most things
But, If I could just tell you how much of my heart you held
And that you destroyed it with all your betrayal and indifference
And that maybe see things from my eyes
My eyes that cried me to sleep over you so many nights
The eyes that refused to see the games you were playing

So no one wants to hear about what we had
What didn't have
What we coulda had
And I'm honestly just broken down from this triangle, and web of lies
No matter what angry, spiteful words come flying out of my mouth...
Please believe you'll always be special to me
You were my first in so many ways
But, I have to burn this blindfold I've had over my eyes
I need to see you for just who and what you are
And you're a stranger from the person I met
And I have to let that person go

No one wants to live In pain
That includes me
It's probably going to take me more time than I want
But, what am I holding onto?
What have I been holding on to?
Nothing more than a mere fantasy that you'd miss me and realize, I was the one
But as time went on, lies kept flying at me, just adding onto the pain
I can't live in a dream world
I have to accept living in world without you in mine

No one wanted you more than me
No one would've waited as long as me
I don't know if anyone will ever feel the way or see the things I saw in you

I suppose no one will ever know...
Especially you
Losing you was hard... The games you played made it harder.. You'll probably never see this or hear these words... But, my heart hurts. You're the reason. I just wish you knew what all your selfish game playing did to me. And I still miss you...
Continue reading...
Not Be You
Jaimee Michelle Aug 2013
Not Be You
Not like you

Just thought you should know my moms uncle George, who married you guys, he just died an hour ago.

Idk why I even told you! It's not like you're gonna say anything or even remember that time of your life! You aren't even interested in the fact that me, being your blood daughter having a child, makes you a grandfather nmw I feel. You still say nothing! Show no interest! I am praying for the day that I can forgive all your short comings and hurt you've put me through, so that I stop being angry and hurt and won't have any guilt when your time comes unlike uncle George's son. Cause I tried ******! Since I was 13 I've tried, and me not being around makes no difference, you care about ****** no one but yourself! I hope one day you look in the mirror and see your dads face and not yours. Maybe you'll wake up. And trust me, everything will turn out like I want it to cause I had one parent showing me the right thing to do my whole life! NOT BE YOU!!!!
Continue reading...
Nothing
Jaimee Michelle Mar 2015
Nothing
Thoughts of you plunge through my veins
Before I know it, I'm on my knees in crippling pain
Like always, I'm alone but surrounded by thoughts of you
My mind races and there's nothing I can do
Why am I a slave for you?
You crack the whip and there's nothing I won't do
I just want your attention
Your affection
It comes so rarely
I'm like a drug addict craving my next fix
And there's no drug as sweet as a taste if you
You have this power over me that I can't explain
Even when I say no, I won't keep my word for long
You never keep your word for long either
The difference is when I breakdown you get what you want
You always win
And I lay here trapped
What more could I do?
Rip my heart out of my chest and hand it to you?
So you could physically feel it beating rapidly and frantically for you?
Would it matter?
Would it change a thing?
Then if you could feel what these games do to me, would you change?
Could you change?
I just want a chance to come first
I want you to live up to the pretty words you tell me to convince me not to leave
That being crippled by you is worth it because I have a hold on your heart too
That all this pain and confusion is worth something
Or would you just stand there, my heart rapidly beating in your hands and completely exposed
Would you just smile as you toss it back and forth with your greedy hands?
Laughing it off as I start to wilt each time you carelessly throw it in the air
I crumble with regret because there was nothing I could do to make my heart matter to you
I press my head on the cold floor and let my eyes shut
If you're gonna have my heart one way or the other, I might as well let my feelings bleed out
And lay here until there's nothing left
My veins run cold
I go numb
The high you gave me does nothing now
I still see you dangling my aching heart in my face
Clueless to what you've done
But for the first time, I feel nothing
Just nothing
My heart may be in your hands
But it's empty
You might start to feel your loss of power as it starts to shrivel in your hands
And I'll lay very still, but peacefully on that cold floor
You may have my heart in your hands
But it died
And I finally feel nothing
Sometimes an empty heart feels better than a heart in constant turmoil.. Always beating for someone who's heart doesn't even skip a beat for you..
Maybe in the end it'll be what saves me...
Continue reading...
Price tag
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Price tag
I have to let you go
Although it hurts me so
You moved on
You've been long gone
I just wanted to be the face that made your eyes light up
I just didn't want to lose my luck
Or you
Now what do I do?
You said goodbye
I'm holding a lie
Goodbye, goodbye
Those words come with a price that's high
I can't afford it
But I can't live just grippin the price tag
I have to pay, even if the payoff makes me lose my breath&gag;
I just need to hate you
So that's what I'll do
Then the words will just come out
The bill paid. No more "what about..."
Continue reading...
Prisoner
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Prisoner
I never saw this coming
There was no light at the end of the tunnel
Your grip on me was so strong
How could I escape?

You were wonderful at first but. You quickly changed
And suddenly I needed you way more than you'd ever need me
But you because so cruel, if I tried to ignore you, you'd make me so crazy I had to see you

I want out of here
I don't want to be around you anymore
You're not my friend, you're like a poison slowing killing my soul
I wasn't even a shadow of who I'd been
I cried so many nights, wanting to reach out but, judgement scared me more than you

You weren't my only enemy
No the devil was by my side everyday, every night feeding me with lies
And constant excuses on why we needed to see you
I hated it so much, I was trapped
If I didn't do what he said, I faced harsh consequences, and I was just as afraid of him as I was of you
What in the hell was I gonna do to get out of this hell that was my life now

All of the sudden something dark and scary took me away from the both of you
A foolish mistake saved me
It forced me to see you and him in a realistic light
I spent many nights lonely, in pain and ashamed

The gates finally opened
As the fresh air hits my face, I smile but then quickly realize what's happening
I have my choices back
And you're right around the corner
And HE is coming
I know what I should do, I know I should tell you to *******...
But, when I'm around him I become weak
I lose my voice
So we hung out with you a few more times

I was crying, sweating, freezing and hating myself
I already did this! Why the hell did I go back to your house for?
Why am I with him, I can see in his eyes that he's sinking deeper
He's with you all the time
And I never wanna see you again
And I won't

So life went into different direction fast
A path I never ever thought it'd be possible for me to be on
I was seeing everything and everyone for exactly what they were
He was the worst, and as days passed, he grew darker and any loving feelings I had ever felt from him were gone
And so were mine, in fact I couldn't find a single reason to care anymore

It took longer than I wanted for things to end with him
Even though he was nothing but toxic
I couldn't seem to work up the courage to just say "it's over, we don't belong together"
I played every trick in the book
I was cold and distance, distracted
But, it just caused fights
And the fights meant nothing to me, no guilt or remorse filled my heart
I just wanted my indifference to make you leave

As usual, the **** literally hit the fan
Our last blow out was huge, earth shattering
Though I no longer desired him, his words sliced me right to the core, bringing out anger that I'd buried for so long
Trapped, no way out, you took control of the situation
In my own home, my parents upstairs sleeping with no clue the evil happening below them
You almost took everything from me
My breathing was none existence, I was seeing dark spots, fading away slowing
This can't be the way it ends
And I didn't even get to say goodbye to my mom

Abruptly you backed away
I lay there gasping for air
Crying while holding my broken heart in my hand
I climbed In my bed, sobbing, looking at the wall, holding my broken heart tightly in my hand
I never thought I could hate someone as much as I hated you

The next day brought sun and a mixture of tears
As I remembered every disturbing moment from last night
Ignoring the bruises in the mirror
It was over, I repeated these words to you over and over
Your arrogance had you in shock
As if the night before hadn't taken place
And even though tears filled my eyes as I repeated my words
I wasn't crying over the loss of you, but the fact that it took a glimpse of death to free myself of him

But, the tragedy turned into a victory for me
Not because he got what he deserved
That I was free from him and you
Thinking about either makes me laugh now
The demons are slowly exiting my body and soul
He's still trapped
You'll always be one of my biggest mistakes

But,  I'm over you both.
And there's no way in hell I'd ever come back
No need for goodbyes
There's no sentiment being left behind
Just an empty man... Whose completely clueless to what's happened
Just give it time
People won't forget the evil things you did

But they will forget you
Hands had been extend to you
To help
But, you say you have no problem
And that's ok
But, maybe when you're 40 and still in the same place, And everyone has moved on.

You were just part of my addiction
Part if my fear of not being
Of not being alone
But the second you left
The darkness was lifted, the sun came out
And I saw a world, I'd missed out on
If I'd stayed, well never mind that's not in option

In the late of night
You tried to steal my light from me for ever
There was nothing but hate in your  in your eyes
He knocked me down hard and repeated
I got up. I got out. I got a little braver

And then I got up, free and far away from you
No longer poisoned
I am not his prisoner
I'm no longer at either of your beck and call

I am free. I am me

I am me again
Continue reading...
Reap What You Sow
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Reap What You Sow
Your chances are all used up
And you're all alone on a dark endless road..
You see a light.. It's not at the end of the tunnel
It's coming full force out of the front
By the time you realize you're on the ground and that these are your last breaths
It'll be too late... Again
And you're all alone
Fighting to cling to your pathetic life
The rest of us don't know you're even missing
You won't be mourned
You won't be remember, can't remember a person you never knew
The masks lay all around you
It's cold
It's dark
No one left to blame
I smile slightly from afar
I watch you twist in torment
Not moving a single step or saying a word
I watch as the pain continues to slowly trickle through you
Don't act so surprised now
Life's a boomerang
You get what you give
You gave nothing but pain and scars and harsh words you could never take back
The lights gone
But, it was heavy, loud painful
And you lay there and slowly reap what you sow
Continue reading...
Release me
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Release me
I saw a chance for forever in your eyes
Am I blind?
Or are you the one too stubborn to embrace what's standing right in front of you?
I can't stand here much longer
I'm slowly wasting away
All on a gamble
Am I seeing what doesn't exist?
Or are you seeing the world but, too afraid to grab it for fear of losin it?
Well if it is there
Grab me, squeeze tight and don't ever let me go
My heart only beats for you
But, it won't forever
I can't lose out on the unknown because I so badly want you to just be my diamond in the ruff
So open your eyes
See what you see
And hold me
Or release me
Continue reading...
"Rock bottom"
Jaimee Michelle May 2015
"Rock bottom"
I don't understand my life
According to the quote "rock bottom"
I've hit it
But I don't feel the bottom under my feet
I'm still falling
And I grasp for any ledge I can as I fall
But they crumble as soon as my feet touch
Or I kick my feet from underneath me because I'm only comfortable during chaos
As if the excitement of falling is what I seek
It doesn't make any sense to me
And no matter how hard I try to stand, my legs wobble and I slip
I'm not satisfied with my life
But, I don't know how to change
So I guess I'll just keep falling
And falling
Wondering what lies beneath
Continue reading...
Rules of love
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Rules of love
Idk the rules of love
  If there even are any
I never been in love to compare to what I feel today
  But the pain I feel from the loss of you is greater than my strongest feelings for them
  Idk if it has to be weeks
Months
  Years...
Or you just fall in love in a moment that takes your breath away and captures your heart
  Takes it from you, so when they leave... You're lost, and they can't hear it's beating but, you never stop feeling it
Silly as I feel
  It's just you
I ache missing you
Will it stop?
Do you even remember when your heart beat next to mine?
   I never ever believed something couldn't be lost
Until you
I just saw life stretched out with you by my side
But you're not
  You're long gone, clueless to what you've done to me
  It fills me up with emotions I want to stay but, they drain away when   my eyes open in the morning light and your spot on the beds empty
  Empty, empty I'm just empty
My mind rewinds us daily
The grip I have hurts my soul because your soul I didn't get to keep       I'm alone
  Without you, it just doesn't make sense
  Do you feel me at all?
My nails on your arm, or running through your hair as I laid on your chest?
Do you remember wiping my tears, holding me tight, choking on goodbye?
  Do you remember the way my eyes made you melt?
And how we just talked and laughed for hours?
Do you remember being home?
  I know my shatter heart cut you to pieces
But you never said you'd leave
  I didn't think you'd just replace me  but, grip my hand so tight
Our we lost at sea? Drug out by the ocean tide?
  Is missing you my fate?
Will I be different if I see you again?
Will you?
You, you, just you
I met just you
  I had just you
I fell for just you
Eyes only for just you
Fear for losin just you
These I'm sorry's for just you
  These tears are only just for you
Life gets in the way
We get in our own way
Idk if this is love...
  But, I do know this pain consumes me and my heart is heavy and barely getting by
  Idk the rules of love
If there are rules
I broke the biggest one..
I lost you
I lost shaking loves hands wrapped in your arms
  I lost just you
Just you
I miss you so much, I still hear your voice, see your smile, feel your arms    around me, your goofy giggle, your guarded but protective heart, your  weaknesses, the awful storm you put me in
  The selfishness when you wouldn't just let me go
Why did you want me to stay?
Will I ever know?
Do you see the same bright star I see?
Do you ever turn around and catch a glimpse of my eyes, or smell lingering
  To just float away
Idk the rules of love
But, my heart won't change it's beat for you
  And We're oceans apart
My hearts scattered in tiny pieces floating with the waves
To you? Idk.
  Would you put it back together?
Idk the rules, or if love has any
I just wanna find the exception
Every rule has an exception
  It's just you
Just you
My eyes slip shut, and for just a little while.. It'll be just you....
  And me
Love will be there
  Just you&Me; again
Idk the rules of love
  But, maybe if I stop searching for answers, next time I open my eyes
It will be Just You&Jus;; Me
  For now, I'll just dream....
I just don't know the rules of love
I know a lot of my poems have been about being broken hearted but, i went through hell and back with this guy, I thought we'd be laying in bed together right now. I gotta find a way to let go. Trust me, I'm trying
Continue reading...
Running From Happy
Jaimee Michelle Jul 2013
Running From Happy
Eyes wide open
Slight smile on my face
Can't show too much
That twinkle in your eye is inviting
And the way  you smile at me
And put your hand in mine ever so graciously
Makes my smile burst on my face

Then I'm off, smile gone
Hands at my side
Stiff. Eyes looking anywhere and everywhere but at you
You try to slowly take my hand and apologize
"I can't. Please don't"
You pull back, my fear is a brick wall between us
I turn my back to you all the while screaming inside
You call "hey it's ok. I can be patient."
I sigh heavily as I fight my urges to crumble
I've heard that too many times
And you've only seen bads good side
You haven't gotten trapped in my hell yet

The hell lives inbetween my ears
Filling my  head with hateful, repietitive thoughts
Lingering voices of my past telling me I'm "nothing"
Flashbacks of swift heavy fists coming down on me
Tears slide down my eyes, when I replay the night where I was almost taken
And I quiver and tremble
As I hear you talking so sweet and calmly to me, pleading for me to come out
Let you see my face
Hesitation turns to being frozen
Let you see my face? My tear stained, black eyes, drug hazed, depressed, tired face?
Will you still think I'm beautiful?

The days go by
The sun goes up
Then the stars come out
Millions and millions of bright full of hope stars
And for moments at a time, I find myself believing
Believing in the kind words you never stop saying
The patience that eases over you when I collapse back into hiding
The way you just pat my leg when you ask me a question but, my fear glues my mouth shut
And I lower my head because I hate what I'm doing
I hate that the ugly twisted torment from my past is drawing me back there
And pulling me further away from you
A wildflower I stumbled upon in the weeds

You're still here
And I'm trying to let you in
You have no idea how many times I open my mouth to speak and my mouth dries up and I look away and change the subject
You stay strong
You stay brave
You do and say things that make the ice around my heart start to melt inside
And I love this feeling I've never really known
But, always wanted
Your brown eyes so inviting
Your actions follow your every word
I remain stuck biting my lip, wanting to tell you, show you so much
But, my mind speaks louder and more firm than my heart
And I can't explain it as the wind smacks me in the face as if saying "wake up! Open up!"
I glance back to see you starting to follow
I turn back around in shock
With a slight smile on my face
But, fear filling my body like cement making me heavy, scared and frantic
But I keep running
Of all the things I could of, should of ran from....
My feet pound against the ground as I run away from happy.....
Anything new is scary. Especially a new relationship.. But, if you let fear send you running,  will you get that chance, that person back? Or lose the best chance at love you ever had???
Continue reading...
She
Jaimee Michelle Aug 2013
She
This room wreaks off stale smoke
As I take a drag off the 1000th one I smoked tonight, I can see the smoke lingering in the air
Just sitting all around me
Some manages to creep it's way outta the window
I glance out the window, the harsh cold wind hits my face
I'm looking down at the people  and the cars **** by
I walk away, why did I pick to live on the 14th floor of this apartment building?
Did I forget I was afraid of heights the day I signed the lease?

I sigh, smash the cigarette into the ashtray
Glance around, it doesn't even look like anyone lives here
Or at least that I live here
But, when she comes to visit, there's always a trial of destruction left behind
Empty whiskey bottles piled in the trash, half drank beers throughout the rooms
Pills scattered across the table, with rolled up 20$ bills and dust everywhere
I wipe my nose as it starts to trickle a little bit
Pull my hand away to find blood across the side of my hand
Then a painful sensation on my face
I race to the bathroom, put tissue on my nose and pinch
And then stare at myself wide eyed
She really did a number on me this time

A very black&blu;; eye stares back at me, with smaller bruises on my other cheek
What the hell happened here?
This wasn't my life anymore... How'd I get back here?
Suddenly I felt I could throw up right then and there
I gag a few times, shaking I grab the sink and splash cold water on my face, then cringe as my eye stings from the cold water
He must be here
She must have invited him
Too ****** up to remember the good life she was finally starting to have
I walk slowly down the hall, step and cry out in pain
Now there's blood on the floor, I close my eyes as I pull the glass from my foot
How in the hell did all this glass make it to my bedroom hallway?
I bend down and it's a combination of broken frames that got knocked off the wall and a smashed bottle of Jameson that must've been thrown at him but he'd shut the door too quick
Why did that ***** come back?
My hands shaking more now, I pick up up what's left of a picture of me and the one who truly cares
The one I've always looked for
Not him, who only she would allow to stay
I cover my mouth to hold back a scream
If I wake him up, I'll be in for a world of hurt
But, when I have to explain to the one in the picture what's happened here....
Well, I'll still be In a world of pain just a different kind
A worse kind, and the kind that's all my fault

I finally peek in my bedroom door and then shut it quickly, and slide to the floor crying
No longer able to hold it in
He lays sprawled across my bed, straws, pills, half a glass of whiskey on the night stand
I grab my hair and finally let out a gut wrenching scream
"Why do you come back here??" I scream violently at her
"My life was finally getting better, but that's always when you come around isn't it? Can't let me be happy! Oh no, that'd be a crime. ****** wouldn't it?!" I'm screaming so loud, my neighbors have probably called the cops
Doesn't matter, I'll be long gone by the time they get up here
And she'll just be laughing
Laughing, laughing because she got me again
And continues to prove I can't escape her
I take a breath and look in the mirror and her face smirks at me, then I see my banged up face again
And I realize... She is me
A dark, cold, destructive, broken hearted girl who lights fire and laughs as she burns
I yank the mirror and throw it clear across the living room
It hits the wall and SMASH!!! Shards of glass fly all around me
"Get out!" I shout "and take your ***** and your drugs with you, this is not my life anymore, I told you I was done!"
The wind blows in from the window and I swear it whispered "You're the one who called me."
"No, no it isn't true!" I'm coming undone at the seams now
I pick up the pills and throw them out the window, I rip the rolled up $20 bill in tiny shreds
I add these half drank beers layin around to the collection of whiskey bottles in the trash
I'm close to just taking a match to the apartment and going down in flames with it, everything's ruined anyway....

"Why the **** are you screaming and making so much ******* noise?!" He yelled while standing in the hall, making sure he avoided the glass from the bottle meant for his face last night
I'm frozen, my eyes locked on him can't let him make a single move and not be ready
"What the **** are you doing here? Don't you know SHE called you, not me?!" I glare at him wishing on everything he'd just vanish like the smoke had out the window
He smirks and shakes his head, mumbling what a crazy ***** I am
"No one but YOU called me!" His violent tone makes me flashback to the night before, when I pleaded for him to stop

This isn't gonna work
There's no coming back from this
Not this time, I've ******* up to the point of no return
Those cold eyes staring at me I never in my life wanted to see again
She would be the only one stupid enough to ever go back to him
To this wasteland she calls a life
The one from the shattered frame is just that
A shattered dream... And she took it from me
Well that's the last thing she takes
I'm winning the last round
He's been yelling at me now for at least 10 mins, I haven't heard a word but I sputter "I don't care"
Enraged he makes his way toward me
Eyes wide with fear but, realizing I only have one choice
I spin around, push the sliding glass door open and climb on the ledge of my balcony staring down so so far below me, the wind whipping my hair all around my face
I hear him call "what are you doing... Don't do..,"
But before he can finish his sentence, I close my eyes and jump

I scream so loud it wakes me from my sleep
I'm covered in sweat
My dog just stares at me, too frightened to move
There's a picture of me and the one who truly cares on my nightstand
Not a single crack
No pills, straws, whiskey bottles or broken glass
She's not here
It's just me in the dark, with a slight chilly breeze comin in through a cracked window
I lay back down and hold the covers tight
Shivering but I'm not cold
Fear just runs wild, and burning in my veins
She's not here, he's not here and there's no trail of destruction
In the window I see my reflection
No black&blu;; eye or face, no blood trickles from my nose
I light a cigarette and smile at the smell of stale cigarettes in the ashtray
It's never smelled so beautiful and I have never felt more free of her than I do at this moment
Cause in that moment I realize I am me
I used to know her, but she's from the past and she doesn't know where I live anymore
I smash my cigarette into the ashtray and smile as some of it creeps out my window
I used to have a drinking and pill problem. I have been sober for 18months, and I still have nightmares I've relapsed and thrown my life away. So it's nice to wake up, instead of being stuck in the horror...
Continue reading...
Sleep no more
Jaimee Michelle Nov 2013
Sleep no more
This is crazy
It's gone on for far too long
And the bridge between us has been burnt to the ground
No ashes remain
Just her stupid face in the picture frames with you, instead of mine
Just her laying on the side of the bed that was once mine
Anger seeps through my veins
And you'd like to call it jealousy
Not likely my snake of an ex
I'm angry because I just want to know, I want to know WHY?
WHY did you drag me through the mud for so long
That my heart still yearns for your comfort
And I'm foolish enough to allow myself to miss you still
To miss you..
The you I knew
Not that arrogant liar in the picture frames beside her
Do you.. Did he exist?
Was this all a dream?
Can someone shake me until I wake up
Until I wake up screaming shrieks of relief
To open my eyes wide, no lingering shadows of you in sight
No more web of lies to fight
Cause if my life's a nightmare without you in it...
Ill never close these eyes to sleep again
Continue reading...
So I Left
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
So I Left
I want to get away from here
But, the car won't start
I bang on the steering wheel
Floor the gas over and over until the engine finally catches
Quick smile of satisfaction, escape plans can take place now
I need to pack
I stare at my empty backseat
All that was on my mind was getting out
I ran in the house frantic, bumping into things and knocking them over
Idk what to take
Idk where I'm going, I just know I'm leaving
And now
I see my dog anxiously waiting to figure out what's happening
I put her, her food and bed in the car
She's the most important package
The car sputters a bit, I send it a wavering look and it goes steady again
I speed back into the house, times racing, I need to be leaving
I run up the stairs
Skipping steps as I go
I knock over your picture, the one picture I didn't put away
I'm caught in a moment and am frozen
I trace your face with my finger, a tear slides gently down my cheek
What if you'd stayed? Would things be better? Would they be happier?
Or would you be happy because I'd make sure you were, and at the end of the night, I stare and fight tears at the person looking back at me that I can't recognize
Was I happy? I hug your picture as if to say goodbye again, and I know I'll just never be able to explain missing you this much
I sit the frame back down, grab my bag and start chucking clothes inside of it.
Packed it to the brim, could barely zip it
Idk where I'm going, let alone if I'm coming back
Last thing in my bag is my pills. My key to happiness pills
The lock must be jammed.
I go around and shut and lock all the windows and doors
Hand on the door ****, I notice a card laying on the floor
It's your business card, with you it's all business
I can't think of the last time I used this for anything
I can't think of what I'd use it for
It's one of those numbers with no answering machines
Just a pointless call
I toss it in the trash, that is the last time I'll come across that
I open the door, lock it and shut it quickly behind me
Throw my bag in the trunk
Take one last look around me
Take one last look at my home
The only place that'll ever really know the truth
Tears swell up in my eyes
I wave slightly, it feels like I'm leaving behind an old friend
I open the car door
I put on my seatbelt and adjust my mirrors
Pat my dog on the head
Time ticks by
I shoulda been outta here hours ago
I just didn't know how to say goodbye
So I just didn't
I back out, and slowly pull off
My home in my rear view mirror
My life up until now
Only because the car started
It's a sign
I have to keep going
The past lingers there, the future, the trip is unknown
All I gotta do now is drive
So I am
Faster, the imagines fading
My heart racing
I want to get away from here
Foot presses on the gas
Tears dripping
But, the car started
So I left
Continue reading...
Some family ties get cut
Jaimee Michelle Oct 2013
Some family ties get cut
What should I do?
What more do I need to say?
What can I give to you that will make you see the real me?
Mistakes, yeah I've made a million
Plenty my fault
I still make mistakes every once and awhile
I try my best to think before I speak
Hesitate before I act
But, I believe being only human, I'm not alone in not always getting it right
I certainly don't call names and blame you for problems, issues, PAIN that I know nothing about
I have never walked in your shoes
Apparently you've walked in mine and my life didn't happen as I said
And things that broke my heart... Well I caused them to happen
It's strange because, either you've been thinking this all along, or you're just an evil, heartless being like that whole side of the fam is
You really remind me of your
"Uncle Al"
My father
"Grandpa lee"
Our grandfather
You've got the act down pack
I have no desire to speak or see you again
But if I did, it truly wouldn't matter
It's not about forgiveness
"I'm sorry"
Wouldn't change a word you said
But, I'm not even looking for an apology
I'm not looking for anything
I'm done letting any of you break me down
Goodbye isn't harsh enough
But it's just that simple
There's nothing more to ever say than  "goodbye,good riddance"
The End
Continue reading...
Stranger
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Stranger
We weren't supposed to matter to each other
We were just two strangers that shared a smile, and a hello
I blinked and this stranger suddenly meant the world to me
My world became intertwined with this strangers
For some reason, no one gave me more comfort or left a smile lingering on my face
The stranger soon made that smile fade
Just like that, we were back to two strangers in a room full of people
Except the stranger left with my heart and a goodbye this time
A stranger captured my heart
Continue reading...
Suffered
Jaimee Michelle Nov 2013
Suffered
They say to love something is to suffer for it
Well, I'm pretty sure I loved you because, I can't even remember the good times we had anymore
All I look back and see is the FOOLISH girl waiting on the borderline, praying, hoping, pleading for your return
I stood there even when I was well aware of her presence
When I was well aware of where you were when you weren't with me... And couldn't be bothered to answer your phone
I laid by the borderline and cried endless tears night after night
Awaiting a return that deep down I knew was NEVER coming
So I have suffered
But, I don't have you
So what did I suffer for exactly?
To watch you build a life with her? The life I thought we had?
To be strung along for months before getting cut off completely
Just left standing in the dust of who I THOUGHT you were
The suffering didn't stop when the truth hit
Or when my head kept telling my heart to give it up
I wanted so desperately not to want you
Not to need you
But thoughts of you.. Of us..
Just consumed my head.. My heart..My life
It eventually got better
I started meaning the goodbyes that I'd been saying for so long
You appeared less and less in my mind
It seemed the suffering was coming to an end
Though I gained NOTHING from it
I know I never crossed your mind even close to how many times I caught myself daydreaming over you
Did you even give a second glance to the girl who literally was holding her heart in her hands... Offering it all to you?
Do memories of any kind ever flood your mind?
NEVERMIND
If I start to go there, the suffering just starts all over again
And I'm lost in a past love, a past game, a past heartbreak that I can no longer feel
Or I will drown inside my sorrow
So tell me, how much more suffering would I have to do to have you?
How much more suffering do I have to do to be OVER you???
Cause she hasn't felt nearly the amount of hurt that I have
Yet she has you...
And here I am, STILL writing about you
Still SUFFERING...
For nothing
For absolutely nothing
Continue reading...
Swim and find that oyster with a pearl in it
Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013
Swim and find that oyster with a pearl in it
Smooth sand, crisp clear waves
Sunlight for days and days
I stare into the ocean in a slight haze, lost in my thoughts
The waves like my life, some small, some big, like lessons I've been taught
I came here for peace, serenity
To just forget for awhile and stare into what appears to be eternity
The sunrise bright in my eyes
Making the torment transparent I carry inside
That reveals me, leaving me open
Yes what you see is true, I'm not just a saint,that I also sin
I'm not really that different than you
But when you look at me, you see the shipwreck, and think that can't be true
I'm not the only one with scars
Or the only one wishing on stars
The pain I feel inside is deep
I tell no lie, I do not want to continue to row what i seep l
I confess to it all
No one pushed me down, no I had a bad fall
Took me so much longer than I thought to get back on my feet
To try and sort through the pain stacked in tall piles so neat
I start but I have to stop from time to time
It's too much and sometimes I'm taken back that it's all mine
That it's self inflicted
I had no clue my hatred for myself was so wicked
I guess she needed me to wake up before I never got the chance to again
Suddenly I knew I wanted things better than they'd been
As I watched the waves crash on the shore, it all becomes clear to me.
I fell and I'm up
But I gotta get movin
I'm sorry if you get left behind, I asked you to stay and follow
But this journey will be my own
I'll return a stranger, just as you became a stranger to me
I shake my head, stare deep at the clear blue water and it hits me
The water splashes my feet as I get closer to the ocean
It so warm, so inviting and I dive into a wave
The water takes over and I feel completely at peace
And my journey begins..
Continue reading...
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