It's Saturday June 15th 2013
It's been 9 long, dragging months since you left my sight
I still can feel your arms wrapped around me tight as I cried goodbye with my head pressed against your chest
The way you squeezed me tighter
And kissed me on the top of my head, while holding my hand
I see can see bright as crystals the tears dwelling in your eyes too
I bet you didn't realize it might be hard for you too?

It's been 5 agonizing months since she moved in with you
And the choice you seemed to be battling with had been made
You'd only missed a week here and there of your regular late night phone calls
But by this time, I couldn't remember the last time my phone rang and your voice was on the other end
She just swept in and with a snap of her fingers everything changed
Your demeanor towards didn't just go cold, from 5,000 miles away I felt frost bite
She wanted you to cut all ties with me
And you did

It's been a year and two months since we met
This time last year we were always wrapped up in each other
It wasn't just a spark, it was a fire
And as loud as my insecurities were, I guess you never heard the bliss I was in being with you
You were different
And everyone says that, but you truly were a turn around from where I'd been
A breath of fresh air with strong arms to hold me
A chest for a pillow at night
The sun the chased all the dark away
Our hands always seemed to fit so comfortably together
I was in such awe of you... That's probably why I didn't see the fiery ambers falling from the sky
Or the icy water you'd tossed on our once out of no where but beautiful fire had once been
You'd already moved on before you moved out and blind sighted me with goodbye

It's been a one of the hardest years of my life
When you came into my life, everything changed and for the better
All my bets were on us
I still haven't recovered from that devastating loss
My life crumbled and things that once made sense didn't
And you were all around me even though you'd disappeared
I left, ran as far as I could
But, I coulda done a lap around the earth and these feelings of rejection, confusion, emptiness and nothingness would just have been waiting
Without you in my life nothing felt right
I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say
I'd had no time to prepare
So I just decided I'd have to cut every single tie that we had
Seeing you and not seeing that blazing fire in your eyes... It was too heartbreaking
So I told you "if its over, it's over. We don't speak or see each other anymore"
But of course, you had another plan

It's been a year since things slowly began to change
And "I'm sorry" with the follow of the same mistake pushed you further away from me
Don't you get I was just afraid of losing you?
My heart had never beat like this before
But, it was what it was.... Or was it?
The second I tried to excuse myself from your life
You lost it. Begged relentlessly for me to stay
You didn't want me out of your life, much less out of arms reach
Pathetically I clung to what was left of you that was mine
Constantly waiting for your love to return to me
But you were so back and forth
One day, you'd cuddle with me on the couch, kiss me and play with my hair
Then vanish outta sight for a day or two after
Remember that choice that ultimately you made much later?
I guess that's what you spent the rest of the summer doing
You spent most of your days and nights with me
We still went out together
Ran errands together
Slept in the same bed at night
And I never had to beg or twist those arms of yours to get you near me
A heart isn't unbroken unless its whole again
And my heart hasn't been whole in 10 months
Seeing you was just letting me sink deeper
And as I sunk, you'd go spend the night at her house
I'd get so jealous
But, I allowed the situation to continue

It's been a year and two months since everything in my life got turned upside down
And at the time... I just wasn't ready for all the sudden changes and feelings swirling around in my head
Why wouldn't you just let me go?
Why did you need me in your life for so badly, if your heart had been lead astray
That question will haunt me until my dying day
My broken heart
All the little shattered pieces.... They belong to you
But, you are ignorant or just cruel with the way you enjoy having the power
The girl in the background who might be different come this September
I've been waiting... Hoping and dreaming of you being mine again
I've tormented my own heart while you play house with her
Well you let her call the shots
Even if that meant leaving the person most important and close to you, whimpering in the dust and fog of yesterday

It's been almost a year since you said you needed to be free
That "it just wasn't working"
When a month prior to that, you couldn't seem to get enough of me
The one who accepted you for you and never asked you to change a thing
So I tried to do all the changing, even if I was faking it, I just wanted to be whoever caught your heart in the first place
If I ever had it at all
You had strong words when forced to prove yourself, but with so many opposing actions
There was just a trust that was gone
And that made you just like them
And that brought me to my knees, to weak to run away, but far from delusional
They say you've never experienced love until you've truly mourned from it
Everyday and night without you were timeless
And as if I'd never catch my breath again
Or see the sun
So I must love you
Because I still miss you
I still cry when something makes me think of us
I've still been silently waiting for you to come home with open arms
And I'd be just that foolish to fall right into them
The pain literally had consumed me
I was so broken, I didn't have a clue as to where to start putting myself together again
I might not be perfect, but my darling, neither are you
And no one else has my eyes
The eyes that would memorize you sometimes and I'd get away with whatever I wanted
But, it was small silly stuff
You always laughed about how there was no one quite like me
And how much you liked the fact that I just accepted you, flaws and all and I never demanded you change a thing
To me you were perfect just the way you were
And I fit too perfectly in your arms

In September it'll be a year since you've seen me
Since I cried myself to sleep the night you left
I can't keep going back there
My heart rebreaks every single time
Everywhere I go, we've been
When I sleep at night, the bed is empty where you used to lay
It's finally become too much and I need to say goodbye
But, I'm not sure you'll get to say goodbye like I did
And I'm not sure my absence will matter, since you let her so easily fill it
I can't even imagine seeing your face and I'm far from ready to handle all the emotions that are gonna take over me if I do
I'm just going to fade into the fog and drive off in the night
You may not even realize I'm gone at first, or that you're one of the reasons I had to had out onto the dark, endless road
But when you do want to see me
And you find out that I'm not waiting in the background
You'll probably be stunned... And sad
You'll miss me
I don't think you ever stopped
You just let someone talk over your thoughts
It'll be the unusually warm, sunny, windy September day that you'll realize a years gone by since you could stand close enough to touch me
And it'll be that day in September when your endless thinking begins
And you'll have to know and feel the miles between us
It'll be a years passed this September
And that day will be the day you start to wonder how we got here
Why you went there
And left me here
Then had her move there
And now you're where we said goodbye
That September day will be the day you're face to face with all our memories
And the questions you can't help but ask yourself over&ove;;
That day since a year we'd said goodbye
Will be the day it finally all hits you and you just want back what you lost
That's the day you'll have to decide if its worth searching for
And you'll have to come find me
Because 3 months before September
I stopped waiting and I started living again
If on that day, your heartaches.... You'll make the choice to come find me
If not, that day in September it'll been a year since we'd seen each other
And everything changed

There was a room
There were tons of people
You stood out in the crowd to me
It was a room full of people
When you spoke you caught my attention
Your words rang true to me
I just wanted to talk to you
But, I wasn't looking for more than a good conversation
We both left the crowded room
And went our separate ways

That same night
I walked into a situation I didn't think I'd walk out of
I stared into the face of the devil
He pushed me to my breaking point
Almost broke me
But, I escaped... Barely
But, I remembered you from the room and our talk
So I sent you a message
We began chatting
Just simple innocent talk
At first you didn't even seem interested, and I was desperate  for a distraction from the devil
That was truly it
You eventually warned up and we talked more everyday
I went back to the room and it was the same but, you weren't there
I frowned but went on my way

Then one Friday night everything changed
As awkward as it was, we finally got together
We talked and laughed until 5am
Then you brushed your hand against my leg and let it linger
Trouble was in your eyes with sweet shyness in your smile
If you asked me a year ago on march 19th, if I thought you would ever matter so much to me..
I'd of called you crazy
Our relationship was a worldwind
Good times always fly by
It was over before I had a chance to tell you how much you met to me
You changed my life
You were unlike anyone I'd ever known...
Then you changed

You left
Abrupt
Cold
Full of lies and for her
The messages I read between you and her broke my heart
We were still sleeping in the same bed
But, she was taking my place
I struggled for a clean break
I couldn't stay away and you didn't protest
You weren't with her often, so more you were with me
We became glued at the hip all over again
I still laid on your chest at night
Rubbed your back
Secret kisses
In those moments I'd forgotten
I'd forgotten I was slowly being forgotten, and there was no longer an us
I was so heart broken every time I was without you
The thought of her made me furious
What about her was so great?
How'd she mess up our beautiful painting?
How could you do that, and just let me watch?
How could you end things, beg me to stay, when you knew I wanted to leave?

Your blind eye to everything
Lips sealed when I asked questions
But, you had to know you were calling for my attention just as much
You were just fine being with her
And stringing me along behind her back
If I was worth the risk of you losing her, why wasn't I worth another chance with you?
I pleaded with you all the time
It wasn't enough..
But, I couldn't let you go
I haven't let you go

You changed my life that night I met you in the room
Long talks
Cuddling at the movies
Driving on star filled nights
Listening to you snore slightly beside me at night
Those are all just faded memories now
Just like the night we both shed tears and tightly embraced when you moved away
Distance either breaks you or bring you closer together
It eventually broke us
She moved in with you
You made a choice that shattered us
And we can never be fixed
But, ill never forget
It's been months since I've been in the rooms
But, I often wonder what life would be like
If you hadn't been in the room that night
Or if you'd never spoke
Because if you'd never spoke in that room
My attention you would've never caught

The path to the truth is a mine field
Things blowing up in your face as you go along
Try to ignore them when the dust settles
But, there's not nearly enough to cover them all up
I stand here covered in dirt
Drowning in my own tears
Faulted to a T about my blind eye to you
There was so much more going on behind the scenes than I ever knew
You were good at playing both sides at first
Keeping us both happy without knowledge of the reality of the situation
What did you keep me around for? She was the one you called yours
Was I just the one who came with certain perks?
The you I met would've never used me
The you I fell for held my hand
He didnt fold for anyone
But, we got complicated, life got real
So you went and found someone who hadn't met life yet
A younger bubbly impressionable girl who would probably never challenge you
So broken heartedly I tried to let go
But couldn't, and it's much harder when you won't let me let go
Begged me to stay
Although I knew better
I grew more attached
And you grew attached to both
Who knows who more..
Now, she's moving cross country to be with you
Did you even think to ask me?
Was our relationship a joke? A test drive?
But, then you don't have the decency to leave me be
Or to be honest with me either
But, I'm not worried about her
Just me
And how I never thought you'd lie to me
Then I said lie to me so many times
Or right from the ******* start
Who the hell are you?
You are not who I spoke to on the phone last night
You're a stranger
That has been lying to me for so long now I've lost count.
I've lost track of why I stayed around so long. Hoping you'd change, change your mind
Change it to what?
Me be the one uprooting my life on an aloof guy
Who can't seem to think about anyone but himself and hiding from everyone??
With each new lie imploding in my face, they will surely implode in yours eventually
I just see streaks of blood fly everywhere.
Cuts me right to bone
I thought so highly of you
I just landed through broken glass
Like scattered broken promises
You make me cry
You make me want to hate you
You make me sick that I just keep tripping over the same step
How could you look me in the face and lie so many times?
I cried
I pleaded
I just wanted the ugly truth
Now that I know it..
It's ugliness
Doesn't compare to you
A stranger hidden by a quiet smile
And plans bigger than the world
But, they only involve you
Yeah you'll call me
But, I think maybe I can take no more I was so happy to hear your voice
Then everything came out
And you're just nonchalant while I wanna throw up
I felt safe in your arms
And missed them so
Now I can't even handle a phone call
And fight the ugly tears as I let you go
When you stop dressing up the lies
And are honest to yourself too
You'll see your mistakes and what got left behind you
They say you've got nothing but time
But, just like the boy who cried wolf
Eventually when you're ready to to tell the truth
No one will be around to hear it
And you'll finally see what it feels like to be in mid sentence
As the cast takes a bow
And the curtain closes
And You're just the ending credits
The ugly truth is, no one sticks around to watch them
You're still the star of the show
But, today was the last curtain call
The ugly end.

To my Basee Boo
Sometimes you're my only friend
My only shoulder to cry on
Or fur to bury my face in
You lick my tears away and make me smile through my tears
You curl up beside me at night and I don't feel so alone
I sleep through the night and wake up with you on the pillow next to me, under the covers....
Like a human
Which starts the day off with a laugh and a "oh Basee."
When I'm watching tv, you always curl up next to me, chewing on your bone
On our walks, you run ahead but, always stop and wait for me to catch up
Chase is your favorite game, and I just have to pretend to run to get you going
You smile at me with those brown eyes all the time
Your ears go down when you know I'm angry about my life again
Then you're right there when the loneliness is too long and the tears start again
You just love me
Not because I begged you
Not because I sacrificed myself to make you happy
You love me simply because I love you
And that's why my Basee Boo
You'll always be the one who rescued me

I thought about you today
And this pathetic excuse of a "relationship" we have
Or pretend that ever existed
I've written a billion letters to say,
I hate you, why won't you stop hurting me, why am I not enough, well *******!
You're not enough!
I hate you!
We're done, were done, WERE DONE!
But, this cycle of never ending thoughts, questions and guilt and angst
It just never goes away
It'll dull for a little while and I'll think I'm finally past it....
Nope
And at 29 years old, I realize I'm no where the finish lane of this saga
Every solution I come up with just makes me feel worse than I did before
I wish you could just tell me what ever did I do, to be treated like such ****?
So unwanted?
Does it have to do with your dad and the way he treated you?
This shouldn't count as an excuse
And my mind is tired
Tired of being tired of never getting anywhere
Wanna be all cried out
But, I'm far from it
And I don't think you've ever shed one measly tear over me
All I ever needed was you to say "sorry"
And be truly "sorry"
It wouldn't undo the damage
But maybe... Just maybe it'd put it to bed
So I could go to ****** bed
And wake up ten times lighter
And not feel so **** small
And flip my thoughts right side up
And turn your voice down so low
I can't hear you
Your lips move but without sound they can't send an earth shattering blow to my heart anymore
Then after several breathes, a glance around
A smile will cross my face...
Because then my heart can finally start to heal
And I'm the driver
No longer spinning my wheels
No more "but daddy why?"
Acceptance of you and what we've been through and that it has end
Is the key I've been searching for all these years
Free
What an unexpected relief
What a desired gift
A perfect end....
One day
One day....
The finish line I'll triumphedly cross

I hate you
I hate how I hate you
I hate how you talk
I hate what you say
I hate that nothing you do is true
I hate that you hide
I hate that you just lie
I hate how you looked right in my face
I hate how easily the lies left your lips
I hate how I can't hold back tears inside
I hate letting you see me cry
I hate that I stand there and just nod
I hate how you just get away with it all
I hate that you show no remorse
I hate that I put my life on hold for someone I didn't even know
I hate that I still miss you
I hate it so much
I hate how I'll say 1000 words and you'll barely say one
I hate how selfish you are
I hate how weak I was
I hate that I didn't just walk away
I hate that I allowed you to let me stay
I hate the tears that fall at night
I hate my regrets floating around my head
I hate how it always ends up something you should've said
I hate being on the mend, just to trip and fall all over again
I hate that I was letting go
I hate that you weren't worth holding onto
I hate that I gave you so much
I hate how much you took away
I hate all the "why's" floating in my head
I hate to know those are words that'll never be said
I hate that I am like this
I hate that I let you in
I hate how you didn't let me out
I hate you for taking my heart for a joy ride
I hate you for just being you
I hate that hate has filled my heart
I hate you for breaking it apart
I hate me for being in denial
I hate that I have to feel this way but, it's the only way the hate will eventually go away
I

What if I'd been the one to go?
The day you asked for "space", when you didn't even know what you were really asking for
What if I'd stuck to my guns?
Gave you that space
Gave you so much that only you were in it?
Even after saying "I'm sorry" "I didn't mean it like that" What if you'd begged for another chance and I just turned you away
Played it off as if it was nothing
Just a minor bruise
Not a complete break
Then what if I told you I'd found someone else?
While I was still supposed to be yours?
What if I started acting strange
And I never put my phone down
I slept on the couch
And when you'd try and be affectionate
I got cold, bothered and wanted none of it
What if I made you feel so unwanted you felt you were choking on your heartbreak?
What would you have done, if I still wanted "needed" you in my life
I let you go but didn't at the same time
You agree to stay but, only in hopes I'll change my mind because, the thought of sharing me kills you inside?
Every time you'd picture me with him, your stomach would turn
But, that little piece that was just yours still convinced you to stay?
Soon it was like nothing changed
We were still glued at the hip and I told you that no one else in this world was closer to me than you
In the moment I made you feel so important
In that moment I brought all the positive emotions to the table
I gave you hope
But, the next day or two, you text, you call
and I say nothing and you've sent quite a few
Would you feel cheap? Used? Second best?
Would it feel like the lies just left my lips like rain falls from the sky?
I don't even blink, skip a beat or stutter
I look dead in your eyes and say whatever I can to make you forgive me
Because the reality is, I do want to be with you but, everything was just so messy
I needed something easy, something that hardly needed my attention
But ****** if I still didn't need yours
And you pleaded for mine
And other days, I was the one so eager to see you
My words and actions always sending mixed signals
Not allowing you to let go of what you desired most
Me
You just want my time, my arms around you, and for me to just accept you back
How would you deal with the shoe on the other foot?
Would you just be so cool with it all? Your heart wouldn't be twisted in knots?
You'd be able to just walk away too, as I stood there calling, sobbing your name
Promising ill be better
Would you just accept the blame?
Leftovers would fill you up?
Knowing you just needed me to see beyond the hurt, break down your walls
Could you just accept it? And hope for the best?
Repeating to yourself that I do care, she does care
What if I got on that plane
And you were the one in shambles
With nothing but a phone call to look forward too
But, then what do you do when they stop?
And I act as if I don't even know you?
That I haven't been toying with your heart for months
My selflessness wouldn't drive you insane?
Especially, cause you couldn't stay mad
Your heart just continued to want me
You couldn't let go cause I left you an empty box with no answers in it?
Would you just forgive me?
Trust me again?
Would or could you admit why you did what you did to a person who never saw it coming?
What if you knew my mind, my heart got right
And I was beyond sorry for ever leaving you
My heart won't let you go, please please give me a chance to prove how much you matter to me
Just ask yourself what the ******* would feel if the script was flipped
And you were left with endless memories
With a heart wrenching goodbye...
Would you forgive me?
Would you ****** forgive me?
Tell me
Tell me ******
My heart hasn't stopped aching
My eyes are still crying
And through my blurred vision, you're all I see
All I think about
All my dreams are about?
No escape even in my sleep
What would you feel?
What would you want to say?
Tell me ******!
Put my **** shoe on
Would you still be waiting?
Would you???
WOULD YOU???

You Kissed Me Goodbye

I loathe these feelings for you that just won't go away
You lit a spark, it enraged a fire
The brightest fire I'd ever seen
I was blown away
You'd swept me off my feet before I realized I was no longer on the ground
I was flying high on cloud nine at first
It felt like a dream... Compared to the night horrors I'd lived through
If you were a drug, I was completely addicted

Your touch gave me chills, so soft so gentle
Laying on your chest watching tv was my favorite place to be
Riding through the nights with the stars a blur with the wind in our faces
My hair wild, you laughing while pulling over to put the top up
I was freezing, but didn't want to stop your fun
But, I guess at the time...my happiness came first
Like I said, cloud 9 was a magical place to be

I knew that the initial high as with any relationship, was gonna come down
I knew the bliss of cloud 9 wouldn't always be how it was
I knew nothing was perfect for ever
Things were still great, we were together must of the time
I told myself not to let myself get to attached to you
I was already living in a fear for the other shoe to drop
You to turn into a ugly, vicious monster, who wanted nothing more then to tear me to pieces
But the true monster was my fear
Not you

Things got messy
We began arguing all the time
I hated it, I was so scared of losing you
But, I was so paranoid that you were just gonna leave in the middle of the night
My insecurities and doubts took over and I went over everything you did, with a fine tooth brush
I decided you were guilty before I knew for sure

That twinkle in your eyes had faded
You were distance , cold and distracted
I had no idea the distraction was her
I never saw you as the cheating type
Considering you were always with me and holding my eye
I never thought there was physically enough room for another person
Wrong
And that's when my life forever change
And what's worse you can't seem to grasp what you've done to my heart....

But, you kissed me goodbye with tears in your eyes
You held me tighter than ever before
So you have a good sense of what you've done
You did to me what someone in your past did to you, and too proud to admit it
You did nothing. Said nothing.

My hearts shattered pieces glisten with stained tears in the sunlight
And you kissed me goodbye
But, you didn't let me go

So I guess this is just how it ends
You full of pride and selfishness
And me missing you, even though my feelings will never even reach your radar...

But, I can't say goodbye
I stare at the ashes from our once blazing fire... Wishing my heart would go out
Just like our fire did...

I wanna say goodbye....