There's a unique struggle when you're breaking down inside but, you force yourself to look at your face in the mirror

Tear rimmed eyes, puffy cheeks and trembling lips
The hatred you have inside makes you feel as if you're on fire and you turn the cold water on, but just let it run

You're screaming in your mind
"Don't you cry!"
"Don't you dare fall apart like you always do!"
"I can't pick up the pieces anymore... I don't believe in you anymore..."

Your lips stop trembling for a moment
You're not burning anymore, you've gone ice cold as those last words echo in your head.. You continue to stare at yourself and slowly start to lose your breath

It's not the hardest thing in the world to face yourself as you say "I don't believe in you anymore."
That heartbroken look on your face is something you've grown accustom to

What's hard.. Where the unique struggle comes in, is when you turn away from the mirror and head to the other room
Voices of words you can't make out fill the halls as you get closer

You reach the end of the hall and you try not to blankly stare
Not to flinch, tremble or even breath above a whisper
Eyes lingering at you from every direction, no escaping

You know what it's like to stare into your own lifeless eyes, and feel nothing as everything inside of you rots
But the really hard part..
The part that'll never get easier...

Is meeting the gazes of people who no longer believe in you
That's where the struggle begins
Because you know you've given up.. But they won't come out and tell you they no longer have hope for you either.And behind their comforting words, you know they're hollow
They look through you, not at you
Because you're just a shadow of who you used to be

That's when you have to find whatever strength you have left
Even so microscopic and cling onto it for dear life and hold on...

Until the rooms are silent and empty
The mirrors are shattered on the floor
And there's no one left to see..
Nothing left for you to be able to see..

The unique struggle is over
You can let go and crumple lifelessly on the floor and just fall apart
Alone, with no eyes anywhere to watch...


Someone... Please... I'm falling apart....

Midnight again
Exasperated sigh from the insomnia
I find myself staring at a blank piece of paper, pen in my hand
Thoughts of you flooding my mind again
What can I write that I haven't already said
How many different ways can I express my desire for you and the heartache from not having you
Well not having you to myself
I guess the exhausted question is, is it better to have a piece of you or would it be better to just wash my hands of this completely?
I'm alone
And you're never alone
When we're together, I can force myself to forget that there's someone else
I force myself to stay in that moment of just you and me
And the feelings I get are so euphoric
I feel so happy
And I begin to fantasize that it could be this way forever
How insanely ridiculous to set myself up that way
Cause you leave, and the torment starts all over again
I miss you as if I haven't seen you in months
And I kick myself because this is all my fault
If I had just walked away all the times I told myself I should
After all the times I'd say I was done
But I just can't
My life doesn't feel right without you in it
Maybe it's the excitement of the chase
Or the overwhelming loneliness I feel and fear in general
I wonder if I gave you an ultimatum
If I made you choose life with me and just me
Or life without me at all
If you'd realize you fear life without me too
Or if you'd walk away with no hesitation at all
Every time I try to ask
My mouth goes dry
I can barely swallow the lump in my throat
It's like I can't breathe
So I save it for another day
And another
And then another
And despite my procrastination
Daylight has begun to creep through the night sky
It's another day
Another chance for resolution, no matter how bitter
But if I never find the backbone to ask you...
Will I ever find the strength to leave you.....

Most of the time I fear I'm just a fool for you
And that you are my favorite
And maybe I'm just your favorite doll
You can play with me whenever you want, then put me on the shelf to collect dust because you know I'll be right here when you want me again
Sometimes it's hours
Sometimes it's weeks
But on the shelf I sit, eagerly waiting for you return
Nothing brightens me up more then when you come back
Even when you make me angry I want you around
I want you around even when you make me sad
And the only sense of that I can make is that I am more miserable without you
And there are times that you never put me back on the shelf
You make me feel so needed
You play with my hair and ask me about my day
You let me be myself
Even when I'm not so pretty
And it's all so overwhelming, how could I ever walk away?
How could the restless moments waiting for you overrule all those moments of happiness?
All your words can't be lies
All your feelings can't be fake
So why do you always leave?
Why do you always have to find another doll?
And why does she seem to get the better parts of you, when I accept all the worst parts of you?
Even on the days I sit lifeless, tears silently falling down my cheeks
Why am I not enough?
What more could I give to be enough?
The only doll you want around?
I know when you go, you're always going to come back
But, it's getting harder to always bare a smile when there's so much hurt inside
I can't walk away
I've tried
I don't want to be the one who always sits on this shelf
I want to mean more
I want you to feel a pang from my absence
I want what I want to matter
I want this shelf to burn down into the ground
So when the smoke clears you realize you don't have anywhere to just leave me
That maybe I never belonged on the shelf in the first place
I want you to see, I'm the doll worth keeping
I want to see I'm not just your fool
Playing a part that'll never just be mine
Or I need you to just say what I dread
That I am just your favorite fool
And a place on your shelf is all I'm ever going to have

Thoughts of you plunge through my veins
Before I know it, I'm on my knees in crippling pain
Like always, I'm alone but surrounded by thoughts of you
My mind races and there's nothing I can do
Why am I a slave for you?
You crack the whip and there's nothing I won't do
I just want your attention
Your affection
It comes so rarely
I'm like a drug addict craving my next fix
And there's no drug as sweet as a taste if you
You have this power over me that I can't explain
Even when I say no, I won't keep my word for long
You never keep your word for long either
The difference is when I breakdown you get what you want
You always win
And I lay here trapped
What more could I do?
Rip my heart out of my chest and hand it to you?
So you could physically feel it beating rapidly and frantically for you?
Would it matter?
Would it change a thing?
Then if you could feel what these games do to me, would you change?
Could you change?
I just want a chance to come first
I want you to live up to the pretty words you tell me to convince me not to leave
That being crippled by you is worth it because I have a hold on your heart too
That all this pain and confusion is worth something
Or would you just stand there, my heart rapidly beating in your hands and completely exposed
Would you just smile as you toss it back and forth with your greedy hands?
Laughing it off as I start to wilt each time you carelessly throw it in the air
I crumble with regret because there was nothing I could do to make my heart matter to you
I press my head on the cold floor and let my eyes shut
If you're gonna have my heart one way or the other, I might as well let my feelings bleed out
And lay here until there's nothing left
My veins run cold
I go numb
The high you gave me does nothing now
I still see you dangling my aching heart in my face
Clueless to what you've done
But for the first time, I feel nothing
Just nothing
My heart may be in your hands
But it's empty
You might start to feel your loss of power as it starts to shrivel in your hands
And I'll lay very still, but peacefully on that cold floor
You may have my heart in your hands
But it died
And I finally feel nothing

You're an addiction I need to quit
A dangerous habit I need to force myself to kick
The good feelings I get that run deep in my veins never last long
Before I know it, I'm used up and you're gone
The explosion of emotions I go through are too intense to take
I go crazy trying to think of excuses to see you, no matter how fake
When you come back around it's never as good as the last
And I'm starting to wish id never met you and that these cravings would pass
But when I pull away, you cling on to me
You know what to say, what to do to make me weak and you ignore my muttered pleas
You know you're bad for me, you're aware that you have me hooked
I try to scream no, but all it takes from you is just one look
I'm losing myself to you
Trying to claw my way out, clutchin at anything or anyone to run back to
You are the drug and I'm your best buyer
I confuse all these feelings with love like emotions, even though I know you're nothing but a liar
I'm numbing my feelings of emptiness with you
And I know you're lonely too
But what you won't allow yourself to see is, I'm not using you the same way you're using me

Sunken in this bed I barely have the engery to consider getting up
This days been so long
Just like the days before it
I'm so weighed down with sadness, loneliness, guilt and self hate
I spend all day fighting with the demons in my had
While trying to escape the ones surrounded me
Suffocating me
My doubts take over any faith I may of head
I cry so hard I become silent
I feel my skin cracking while I slowly fall into pieces
Empty words filled with hate attack my mind relentlessly
The shadows that creep along my wall tuant me
Hoover above me
Surround the walls that are closing in on me
I struggle and cry out
This prison of heartache, broken promises and endless reminders of what could've been
They just gut me
Reach right in my chest and pull out my heart
Laugh as I fight to breath
To get out
To roam the street until I stumble across some peace
Broken, battered, lost and at a loss
I start to stare at the sky
Hoping the darkness will fade and shed some fresh light in these lifeless eyes
Warm the ice of hopelessness outta my veins
And that I just get a chance to sit down
And let the little bit of beauty I still see give me some hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day
And that maybe I'll find my smile again
The walls began to slowly cease from shutting me in between the madness inside of me
The demons are set free, hopefully to get lost from me
I just need time to just breath
To not think
To close my eyes and just let the wind circle all around me
Give my bleeding heart a chance to nestle back in my chest
To beat a different beat this time
A beat I've never heard before but am compelled to follow
Walk and walk until the darkness starts to lighten
All I need is one speck of light
A sliver of hope
A reason to keep walking
A reason to let this heart continue to beat
Leave the prison behind
And never look back

I no longer see you as an option in my life
Even as a friend
To be a friend, one most know how to appreciate a friend
You appreciate nothing
You expect, demand I wait for you to change your course like you always do
I wonder if you'll ever come to terms with how incredibly selfish you truly are
I used to think we were connected by our souls
Now I see that would be impossible
If you have a soul, I haven't seen it
And I'm banking it's been awhile since you have too
As angry as I am for your once again, knife to my back
I'm more hurt that when you were at your knees and I ran to your side and helped you up
You got stable just enough to put me back in my place
And simply walk away as I bleed
A line was crossed that day, trickled with sorrow filled blood
I don't know who you are
And I know you'll be back eventually as someone else
But after limping, heartbroken and betrayed over this line
I turned and throw a lit match and cried as it went up in flames
But not tears of sadness this time
Tears of relief
For I am never stepping foot by the line again
So you no longer have a path to me
All you'll find is a ****** knife surrounded by ash
With no where left to go
No more options
No one waiting
Maybe then you'll appreciate what you once felt connected to
It'll be too late
Much too late