When I met you it was spring in full bloom
Our summer was star filled endless heated nights
But by fall, we were falling apart just like the leaves slowly drifting to the ground
My winter was dark with cold endless nights and my heart shattered from becoming so frozen
The spring had no sun, just down pours of sharp rain drops
The summer heat suffocated me with memories of us
The leaves didn't change colors in the fall, they just slowly began to die
The winter was bitter cold. But, I could no longer feel anything but the frozen tear drops on my face

The sister side

A million miles above the ground
Sifting through blue sky's and puffy white clouds
I stare out of my window to the tiny tiny city below
Foolishly search for a chance to see you and your microscopic car
We were just laughing and being silly in it just 5 mins ago
Now I soar through the sky
Poorly fighting tears
Our goodbye was cut so short
Stupid man demanding you get "behind the line"
And you were only trying to help me
I don't think I give you enough credit for all the ways you try and help me
Sometimes I take your advice defensively...
When really you're just trying to teach me ways to protect my sensitive heart
A million miles above you, I promise I'm going to work on not being so sensitive and being more tough like you
I look up to you as if you're the older sister
Funny how that works... Sometimes it drives me crazy, other days I couldn't be more proud
Life has changed for us so many times
But, we were usually there to get through it together
It's not that easy anymore
I'm here
You're there
And were about to experience one of  our most dramatic changes yet
I'm about to be a mommy
You're about to become an aunt
As time has passed, you've gotten so much more excited with the idea of being an aunt
And you'll never know how much that warms my heart, and how much I needed your support
It wasn't planned this way
We were supposed to be neighbors
Raise our kids as instant best friends
We've become wedged between a rock and a hard place
My life like a roller coaster  had 1000 ups and downs
And when I finally got off the ride
I landed 633 miles away from you
At one point I thought it wouldn't matter
We weren't as close as wed been years before
How much would our separation matter to you? To me? At all?
Well it turns out an older sister never wants to be so far she can't be there to protect her little sister
To go hangout with her little sister
Have girl talks and laugh until we snort
And despite our arguments at times
To be around one of those people who just get you
Who know you better than you know yourself at times...
You'd think staring down into the ocean would calm my nerves
But, I'm so angry our goodbye was cut so short
I barely got to hug you as I started choking out my "I love you's and I miss yous" before having to run off and barely make it to this tiny plane
Just to sit here and cry large tears in silence, envisioning myself being torn away from you
It's so hard to get used to being so far away from the little girl who was my shadow for so long
And the little girl I took anybody on for
I know our bond was strained and put to the ultimate test or tests I should say...
And we both felt like giving up at times
But we didn't
Because despite the hurt, anger, lies and struggles, we knew what we used to be was in arms length
Even if we're not currently
Things change in a blink of an eye as we are so familiar with
And there's no doubt in my mind that no amount of miles will stop you from being that awesome aunt you're destined to be
And the great sister you already are
So even though I'm above the clouds and quickly distancing our gap
I'm with you
I'm sitting next to you right now trying to get the baby to kick for you
To laugh when we get lost in the airport parking lot
Enter of restricted area possible
And eventually go backwards to get to our destination
I close my eyes and I'm laughing all over again with you in the passenger seat
To admiring your braveness and blatant disregard for the guard trying to get you to leave my side
That's just it
That's just what sisters do
If we can't be at each other's side
We always have each other's backs
We always have each other
I'm waving to you through the clouds
Knowing soon I'll see you waiting with a pouty smile again on the other side of the clouds
It gives me something wonderful to look forward to
The baby just kicked 4 times in a row
She's looking forward to it too
To meeting the wonderful you
On the other side of the clouds, the sunny side

The sister side

I called you today
Itd been months since we last spoke
And it was brief and awkward
I thought I was doing the right thing by reaching out to you
But I felt worse selfishly...
My phone call meant nothing to you
You couldn't even muster the strength to pretend to care
It was like you answered the phone to be cold, disinterested and just down right cruel
I know you heard my voice shaking
I know you know that it took all the courage I had inside me to dail that number
Our relationship is no relationship at all
You won't open the door
Even though I keep knocking
Why do I stand in the doorway, shut out, locked out?
Why do I think a relationship with you with fulfill my life?
Why did I think a "granddaughter" would light a fire under you?
Make you want to really hear mom's words from all those years ago, and reach back
Grab my hand and just say "I'm sorry"
But after all the venom spewed by me in furious moments... You felt you'd earned the right of the victim role
It makes cry and gag at the same time
I've been the victim of your bad parenting my whole life
The victim of your vicious words
Lack of respect and sensitivity
Helpless to your violent ways
But yet, I kept pleading with you to help me fix us
But in your eyes only I need fixing
And even if you don't feel that way, you refuse to admit it
My hearts been broken too many times to go on this
Nothing about you is home to me
I called you today
You took 2 mins to make me feel small and unlovable
It took me 24hrs to get your voice and your lack of concern outta my head
I may always want you to be part of my life
Even though, you've done nothing to earn me continuously being the bigger person
The sad goodbye
The phone call I instantly regretted
Made me wonder if you'd regret it one day too
But I hung up the phone while in the midst of a teary goodbye
I won't call again
I won't
I can't
The line is dead

I feel so silly
Almost stupid
It's coming on 2 years since we first locked eyes
And we're not about to celebrate
I'm actually in morning over this great love I thought I had
I thought we had

Despite your games
And all the words to calm my nerves when things were going astray, I should've paid more attention to your actions
I should've forced myself to read in between the lines
I should've forced myself to walk away from you
Even if my beating heart laid in your hands as my feet made quiet steps on the pavement

I've been stuck
Over thinking, over questioning, over wishing and being overly pathetic over you
I've spent so much time pondering where it all went wrong
But, I'm starting to think it was never right
The path that lead me to yours was much more worn and you weren't ready for a rescue
Though I didn't want you to rescue me
Life's not a fairy tale
All I wanted was you and you alone
I thought you were the best thing to walk into my life
And to walk out

I'm still puzzled
Is it normal to stare at a door that's been closed for so long?
To still dream you're laying besides me
Only to wake up with the overwhelming awareness of your absence..
Do you even ever look back, or just glance at that door?
Or were you always halfway out if it with her
And it was never alright of me to ask you to stay

You were my gun
I was the trigger
And when the bullets ran out, so did you
Aimed right at my heart until there was nothing left
I can't even cry anymore
But, I feel so empty inside
And I don't understand how that can be
Because you never took your hand off the trigger until the fire ceased
And it didn't take long for them to run out and as shot apart as I was I chased you until it seemed you fell off the earth

And you probably never realized when you disappeared into the horizon you still had my heart in your hands
It's all been so wrong
There's no excuse for me to still be on my knees
Your life continues with her
I just wonder what you'll do when you discover my heart hidden in your drawer
Will any guilt eat at you, will you remember the trigger that lead you to be my gun?

This isn't silly
It's so so sad
And if it's alright with you
I'll take my heart back now
The timing isn't ever gonna be right
Neither are we
Even if I never let go
I'm empting these chambers
Crying as the bullets hit the floor
You might be the gun still
But there's nothing left, it's empty
Just a hollow clicking sound remains
We're out of rounds... Been out of rounds

I can't be stupid anymore
If you give me my heart back
I'll put my gun away

I'll put my gun away

What can I do?
Tell me how to help
To ease the ache in your heart
And stop that tear from falling from the corner of your eye
I know you're hurting
I can feel your soul crying
It makes me crazy because I just want to stop your heart from bleeding
I want to save you
Like you've saved me all these years
I want to stop the pain just like you've done for me so many times
I want to chase all the agony away because I see it stripping the life out of you
And you're the last person on this earth that should look as sad as you do
You put up a strong front
But, I think the dam is about to burst and I'm scared to death you'll drown in it
And I won't be able to get to you in time
And my heart will drown and wash away with you
Because you are my heart
You're who kept me strong when I was barely holding on
I want, I need to be that same lifeline to you now
Pull you out of the rain
And let the sun dry all your tears and chase off all your fears
You've always been the strong one, the one who just pushed through the bad times and bulldozed anyone who go in your way or our way
Me and Sam... We think the world of you
You're the glue that holds us together when all we want to do is fall apart
We've spent so much time leaning on you, the foundation of our lives
Maybe we over looked you cracking
And I'm sorry
I'm so sorry for being selfish and forgetting that mom's need help sometimes too
I'm always gonna need you
Sam's always gonna need you
But, we know the other side has another side
And all I want to do is lend you my heart and my hand
Let me be a foundation you can lean on
I won't act as if I understand everything you're going through
I just promise you that you don't have to go through it alone
I'm behind you 100%
Just like you always have been for us
If there's one thing I've learned in my life time, it's that I can count on you
And I know it's not much but, you can count on me too
I'd give you my last breath if that was the cost to make you whole again
Because you're broken
And it burns me up inside
I walk into this tense, cold house and I want to burn it to ground
With all the things that ale you inside of it
I'd swim a million miles if I had to to bring you back to shore
If you jump, I jump
And like a hero, I'd catch you falling from the sky
Cause I learned that from you, my hero
You're not alone
I know I can't fix all the lonely
But you deserve to be forever smiling
You deserve a plush seat to sink into and just close your eyes and breath
I don't know what to do
And selfishly I have to say it's killing me... Because it's killing you
Here's my hand, take it. It'll be a start
I'm in it all the way
I just want to help you
Let me help you
I don't know what to do
Just tell me what to do
Mom... What can I do?

I just want to go home
But, I don't know where that is

I grab my hair, wanting to yank it out in frustration
Close to screaming til my lungs collasp

But, if someone were to come to my aid
I wouldn't know what to tell them, or where to take me

I'm missing a place... Can't take my eyes off what I think it is
My hearts so torn, it floats above me in microscopic pieces

I don't bother trying to put in back together
I truthfully don't know how

I always gripe how my sister is never satisfied with anything or anyone in life
But maybe, that person is me

And I'll forever be tangled in past hopes, loves and what ifs
Chasing something I can never catch

Last night was New Year's Eve
I waited and watched the ball drop at midnight

Everyone cheers with excitement for all they promised themselves this new year will bring
A new date doesn't mean **** to me

I've been saying the same promises, with the same stupid smile on my face since 2007
Look at me in this abandoned street with a tear stained face... What's changed?

My heart didn't shatter this year
It broke into a million pieces so many years ago and I've just been staring at its destructive paths

So maybe I'm the one whose never satisfied
Or maybe I crave change but, am too **** lazy to just do it

How the **** am I living this way?
The air I breathe is toxic, the roads i follow are nothing more than tragic circles

This is all too dramatic
But, I don't force these tears to fall and I don't lie about the demons I fight inside

All my life, I've just wanted a home
Somewhere that I just belong to

But this circle keeps me lost and dizzy
Making it almost impossible to get a grip on my jumbled thoughts

I'm begging for you, for anyone, just say it's going to be ok
Lie to me if you must, but be convincing, and don't walk away until I muster the strength to start putting my heart back together

Because all I want is to go home
Would you be kind enough to point me in the right direction?

Wipe away all of these worthless self doubts
And melt my frozen feet from this empty space