There's so much I need to say
They didn't warn me today was my last day
My thoughts are so jumbled in my head
My hand trembles trying to write down all the things I should've said
Where did all the time in the world go?
We don't really have all the time in the world and we all know
But, stubbornness and pride gets in the way
Prevents us from for being able to start out by simply saying "hey"
I only have time to tell one person how I truly feel
Why'd I wait so long to show you, so you'd believe it's real?
I can't waste a second on what I can't change
All I know is I never ever dreamed wed be so estranged
Sorry doesn't come close to bridging this gap
And I know you hate it when I'm a sap
But, I am so sorry little sister
I never met to let my life swallow us in my twister
From bunk beds to our own homes
I never stopped worrying about you but knew you'd be fine on your own
But, sometimes I look at you and I see the little girl who got off the school bus crying
And I had to do something to defend the little girl hiding
I never hesitated to do what I had to do to protect you
It wasn't a chore, it was a must, something I'd always do
But, then I changed and the storm above our house was me
For so many years I was just to **** blind to see
Until one day I realized you stopped picking up the phone
And even when we were both there, you'd rarely make your presence known
I couldn't make sense of it at first
I couldn't have been the one to cause so much pain and hurt
But, your eyes told it all
I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to stop denying what I saw
My reflection in your eyes was ugly and sad
And you were more than just mad
What I couldn't deal with I put on you
I suddenly switched from protecting the little girl from the school bus
I became worse than any bully you ever knew
Tears flood my eyes, drown my face
And it's no wonder we're trapped in this place
Somewhere along the line we switched roles
Dying inside, everything was growing cold
No more cookie dough and flour fights
Just angry words and silent tears at night
Those two girls hugging in the pictures on the wall
Were fading to nothing at all
You didn't know it but...
Everyday we spent in silence felt like a 1000 paper cuts
The roller coaster ride has been something most won't understand
Without you I'm not whole, my arms aren't waving in the air.. Everything's so bland
We've been trying to cross the same bridge for awhile now
We get so close and I ***** it up somehow
Bitterness and shame consumes me
And I just become different and forget the "we"
This letter is unbearable to write
My words are blurry and you're no where in sight
I'm standing at the bus stop
But the bus has come and gone, and the second hand moves faster on the clock
You're one I admire most
Even when jealous, I can't help but talk about you and boost
I would never want you any other way than you are
Your strength has taken you far
And my anger at life has caused our bridge to crack
And I just wanna turn the clock back
I wanna hear you beg me to play the bubble game
And then spend hours laughing so hard, the memory in my mind in a frame
That little girl from the school bus has always had my heart
Even if at times we had to part
I gotta wrap this up
I tap the pen nervously but..
Seal the envelop and put it in the mail box with hope
Hope that the little girl from the school bus
Well, that she still remembers us
That she remembers the sister that jumped on anyone that ever tried to hurt her
Not that just the one who messed up who we once were
I'm back at the bus stop again
I know it's a long wait and tough battle to win
Ill never stop trying to be better
That's why I had to write you this letter
I know it's not much, it's not an eraser
I'm not gonna push but, I will be the chaser
Because the little girl from the school bus deserved so much more from me than she got
And all that she's done, will never be forgot
Ill just stand here and wait
And never again will I hesitate
Hesitate to say what's right
And let my hatred of others drag us into a fight
I know there's so much I can't undo..
I guess I just had to write this so you'd truly know..

I love you

Your Meme always

So much for so called family
So much for so called friends
I'm sick of driving on this road that won't ever end
At the next exit, I'm gonna close my eyes and let my hair fly around the bend
This place is so gray, so old
With not one story that hasn't been told
Hushed whispers
But clear enough to hear snickers
Idk who made any of you, judge and jury
But, you don't know me, you don't know **** so I'm out in a hurry
I can't take anymore fingers pointed at me
With words filled with hate at a person I used to be
Hypocrites, everyone of you
And I'd like to remind you, that glass house is pretty see through
I wear my heart on my sleeve full of good intentions
Your heart is filthy, not even worth a mention
If your hearts and minds were ever clear
It would've been easy to see the face with fallen tear after fallen tear
Why would I ever want this life?
Tell me? Am I so bored that I just do things outta bitterness and strife?
In your soul you truly believe HE did all he could to fix our relationship?
And I just refused it?
Cause you all know that's why I distanced myself from the "family" right?
Please don't act idiotic and shake your head, point fingers and start a fight
I've had enough!
Heavy breathing, beat read face, and silent tears show I'm not that tough
But, I can no longer allow these strangers in my life to bring me down
I'm done forcing myself to come around
I leave broken every single time
If I keep letting you break me
Ill lose the ability to spit a rhyme
There will be nothing left of me
And there's just to much that I am to let waste on people who will never see
I opened my eyes, this exit has taken far from the old, dirt road I was stuck on
I look up, the stars fill the sky, the clouds are gone
The heaviness in my heart has been lifted
The powers finally shifted
I no longer feel banished and alone
I'm finally on my way home
My taillights fade into the night
And that'll be the last you ever see of me as I speed up and drive outta sight

It's been a long time
A very long, drawn out time since I've seen your face
Please forgive my beat red face
And my stumbling words, cause I know I'm gonna get tongue tied
No, please don't.. Don't say a word
I don't want to remember the sound of your voice
I just want to get this.. How do I say it??
Ah! Burden off my chest
Again I apologize if some of my words don't come out right
You must know how many times I've played this conversation out in my head
The endings always different.. You look confused, see the ending changes when my mood changes
I've spent so many hours bouncing back and forth from longing for you to hating you.. Well you see where I'm going with this?
Ok it's now or never
So I just came to say IM SORRY
Shocked to hear that aren't ya?
Let me get through it, this won't be confusing for long
I'm sorry that I clung to you so tight
I'm really sorry that I thought you were holding me back just as tight
You were so different at first
I was literally in awe of you
In awe! As if you were a super star or something
And you seemed intrigued by me
I recall you telling me how I said things that no one else did
Quirky but cute I think is how you put it
Well quirks have a time limit I guess, because they just couldn't hold your attention
Don't get me wrong, everything was great at first
So fresh, so new... I truly couldn't get enough
And the way you were in the beginning blew me away
Always texting or calling me
Always wanting to see me
And then the real kick was, when we were together.. It was enjoyable! Relaxing, cuddly yeah that's how I describe it
But within about a month or so's time.. You don't get it but, huge fears set in for me
Ones I couldn't shake... And honestly maybe I just smelled your ******* long before you showed it
I'm not sure
But, my intense fear of losing you brought out jealousy and insecurities in me
I didn't think I was good enough for you
And lol, turns out I wasn't! Ok ok, I digress,
So I doubted things you said, asked too many questions
I "got complicated" as you guys say we do
But ya ever thought, if you made just a tiny bit of a bigger effort to let me know I meant something to you
That I was the only one you wanted, like you texted her the day after my ****** birthday
Don't look at me like I can't be mad
You cheated on me while living with me and on my birthday and when I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life
Yeah, I guess I'm still ****** at your selfishness cause then you dumped me, ran to her, than thought "hey! Jaimee and I def need to stay friends"
No we didn't
You don't like being alone just like I don't
But you'll never admit it because, that'd be like having a weakness
An emotional problem
And let's not get it twisted, IM THE ONE with all the problems not you
I see you desperately wanna say something to defend yourself well ****** save it
It's way too late for any of that ******* to surface
Can you believe I thought you were too good for me?
That we had this in breakable connection, and it was nothing I'd ever felt before
You threw away the one person who would've never asked you to change
And who would've.. Sorry, WHO DID wait for you and yeah, I would've waited and stayed forever
But she trumpets me
I don't see what the hell you see in her
Except that she's a arrogant snob just like you
Don't shake your ****** head
The last thing you are is humble
Silver spoon
I'm not getting into all that
There's a million more things I could say but, I'm over my limit of wasting time and thoughts on you
So yeah, I'm sorry
Sorry I saw a future that never existed
Sorry I chased a dream that was never dreamt
And I'm mostly sorry I chased a person for so long that I didn't even know
I don't know you
And I don't want to even remember what I thought I knew
That's why I've begged you not to speak
Which honestly, can't be that difficult for ya buddy
You never had **** to say when my heart was dying and your words could've revived it
But, I don't want to get awkward
Who feels a life line with a complete stranger?
It's crazy, I'm crazy like you said
But, I guess you were just really bored that's why I had to be around all the time
You had to call me every week once you went away
Even though you had your boy up there
And eventually you and it reconnected
I mean it is what it is right?
Yeah so I gotta go
I just needed to let you know I was sorry I hallucinated our whole relationship, and wasted so much of your time trying to convince you it was real
That we were a something
My meds work much better now
So does my detection of manipulation and games
Ok we'll, I for one feel better
Closure, it's an awesome thing right?
And hey, you didn't even have to say jack ****!
Just like you like
Haha, roll ya eyes but the truth can be annoying I know
Alright then... It's been real
Or fake
However you wanna look at it
I don't care anymore
No don't say anything, another bold face lie will send me into a blinding rage
No I'm not kidding
Alrighty, so my cars over there, so just don't me a favor..
Just keep quiet so I can savor this one truthful moment we had
And then forget why the **** I was talking you in the first place

My frown couldn't be more prominent as I stare out of my passenger window
Cloudy skies with heavy rainfall, in a cab in traffic just has my mood plummeting
As if I was ever really happy to start
I sigh as I think that..
Have I really been unhappy my whole life, with just good moments in between?
No. I shake my head to myself.. That can't be right
I gasp as the driver suddenly slams on his breaks
"Sorry" he mutters along with a few other choice words
I'm so lost in my tangled thoughts its only a slight distraction
The airport is only 10 miles away but,
It seems its going to take 10 hours to just get there
I slam my head back against the seat
******! Rolling my eyes heavily, I grimace at my own brain
Won't you shut up?!
Yes I know things will never be resolved with my "father"
On his death bed, he'd still only manage to say "I'm still sorry you feel that way."
His family will  look at me as if I haven't done enough to change things...
**** them.. I'm not a magician. And **** if I didn't spend most of my life trying to be one
I swallow that lump in my throat
Just another dad topic to fill the session when I see my therapist
"Can I smoke in here please?" I ask/beg the cab driver
The traffic isn't the only thing congested and I need some relief
Not pleased he agrees... After I slip a $20 in his face
As the wind blows my hair around and the smoke clouds my face
I realize I full of way more doubts than I admitted
Is this where I should be headed?
I mean this isn't a dream
It's gonna be real life with all it's pain and lingering stings just like it is here
My pocket vibrates
Blowing out smoke, I cough as I laugh when I read the text
"I will miss you. Text me when you land."
YOU
You would text me as I'm about to be 1000s and 1000s of miles away from you
I can't help but let a tear slide down my cheek
I remember the endless amount that fell when you were the one leaving
Dangling me on that string... Even 5000 miles away
I don't respond
Just like you didn't respond
Maybe to give you a dose of your own medicine
Or maybe because I simply can not allow you to break me down anymore
I flick my cigaret and wipe my cheek with the back of my hand
The phone vibrates again
It can't be you
It's not your style to appear to care that much
I glance down at the screen and this time can't hold back the sob I choke on
"I love you! Have a safe flight, PLEASE text me when you land!" Love Sam
My baby sister
Sometimes my seemingly older sister
Through it all, the heartbreak of such a distance between us is the same
Through a blur of tears I text back that I will, that I love her too
I see the driver stare at me through the rear view mirror
I'm too sad and stiff to bother to wipe my tears away or even turn my head
So I just drop my eyes so I'm no longer holding his gaze
The history between my sister and I is an eventful one
Very colorful
Lots of laughs...Lots of yelling... Lots of tears...
Getting to the place we are now, the place that was so rock solid for so many years
But then crumbled to the ground caused by an earthquake of addiction..My addiction
I couldn't be more thankful to whomever allowed the chance, the power, the love to remind us who we once were
Maybe we just did that
I don't know
The rain has stopped and traffic is flowing now
I feel I may throw up
I'm getting closer
Closer to my new start
But, with so many unknowns and so many things I don't want waiting for me when I get there...
But, wherever you go, there you are
Ill be there...Waiting for me
I'm just hoping ill give myself a chance before I want to run back the other way
That's what I'm doing.. Everyone says so
"You're running.""Can't run from yourself."
I smirk as I wonder if these ******* with all the advice ever considered if they DROVE me out...
Not that I ran out
Fair weathered friends weigh you down after awhile
The broken promises
The appearing in the light and disappearing when it gets dark
Starts to make my heart ache so bad, it feels hard to breathe
My head pounds as I'm always questioning why they don't want me
What could I do to be better?
I close my eyes
Too tired to think about it further
So tired of having to think so hard
So tired I'm too tired to demand to be treated better
So **** em works
I'm tired of trying, of trying to try
Just done
There's gotta be so much more to life than this..
That I have to try and discover
Startled by the vibrating of my phone again, my eyes pop open as I jump a little bit
"Can't wait to see you! Have a safe flight. Love you! See you at the airport."
I shake my head smiling
My mom always seems to make me smile when I'm drowning in a sea of misery
"I can't wait to see you. You have no idea." I whisper to myself, laughing to myself as I start to cry again
This cab driver must think I'm insane
This time I pull out some tissues and clean myself up
Take a deep breath and force a smile
Everything's going to be ok
This is gonna be the move into the right direction
Where ill find myself again and the path I belong on
Even if it doesn't end there, it'll start me to where my life is meant to go
Everything's gonna be ok.. It's gonna be...
"Miss...Miss...We're here."
I snap back into focus as the drivers voice drills through my brain
I swallow a lump again, nod and mumble an apology for not paying attention
Fumble for my wallet and pay the ridiculous fare, thanks to all the traffic
Luckily I travel light
I grab my suitcase and my dog crate
(She's got the worlds biggest "oh ****"eyes right now)she'll be happy up there
That I'm sure of
I'm standing there, still, ignoring the weight of the crate and my suitcase
The wind sends a shiver down my spine, I shudder
It seems to bring me back into reality
I take another deep breathe and force a smile
I promised myself I wouldn't look back
So I don't
The glass doors slide open.. As if to say "Everything's gonna be ok."
I let the tear slide down my cheek and walk on through

What would you say if you saw me?
Would you just wave awkwardly or just drop your head down as if you couldn't see me?
It's been a year
We're not the same people that said goodbye last September
It almost be like meeting for the first time
There's supposed to be a history between us
But, history is facts that were once proven to be real
Our history is full of lies and fantasies
I told you a year ago, if nothing had changed
We'd just be two strangers who said goodbye with tears in their eyes a year before
Everything's changed
Idk what either one of us would say to even break the ice
Or if I'd even try
Idk what I'd have to say
Angry, confused words
Or would I be so lonesome that all I saw was who I thought used to be my best friend
And just want to put my head on your shoulder..
And just rest?
I can't answer that confidently either way
My hearts taken a beating that started with you
How ironic that a hug from you can potentially take that pain away
Even if only for a few hours
But, your heart didn't continually get stomped into the dirt as mine did
No, you had someone there taking care of you
Telling you what to do
Whether you wanted to or if it was right or wrong
You bowed your head and obeyed
That's not at all who I knew last September
So maybe I'd be the one to bow my head down this time
Whether it's what I truly wanted or not
But, if my eyes didn't meet a strangers
There's no choice of time for reflection, to suddenly stop and stare
Overwhelming feelings of someone I used to know
No accidental tears could have a chance to fall
And my heart wouldn't recognize you as comfort
It wouldn't recognize you at all