Ink
Ink is permanent
You can scratch and cross something out as much as you want
It's just a cover
You still know what's written there is forever
It's like saying something and instantly wanting to shove the words back in your mouth
Rewind the moment, then start over
Can't do that, those words are stuck, forever said
Forever remembered
You'll feel the guilt seep through your veins immediately
A million sorries will come gushing out of your mouth
You'll stumble over your words trying to take back the meaning of your original thought
But, if you said it, and they heard it... Doesn't matter if "it's not how you meant it."
The perception has made it's mark
Sometimes with devastating results
Promises of yesterday...
Can forever haunt your tomorrow
Why do we make promises we're not sure can be kept?
Are we all just full of ****?
Get caught up in the moment?
When someone breaks a promise to you, it breaks your heart
Shatters trust
So why do it back?
Spite?
Afraid to say no?
Are the words of confusion coming from in between your ears, or someone's mouth?
It shouldn't be so easy to doubt yourself if you were ever 100% sure
Now life looks like a huge piece of paper with crossed out pen markings, and ink everywhere  No escaping it, no matter how deeply you've scribbled over it
I put my pen down and sigh
Glance at the endless row of pens next to it
And all the broken pencils on the floor
Broken erasers, broken thoughts....
I just needed a pencil..

How will you feel when that day comes?

"CONGRATS..HOPE THAT THINGS TURN OUT THE WAY THAT YOU WANT THEM TO"-dad➡➡ my response to this, thanks for your typical "I don't really give a **** but I'll say it in a way that it appears I care." You make me so ****** angry!!!! You've crippled me my whole life and I let you! I never wanted or was gonna tell you cause I knew the ******* you'd say. And I'm sure Erin will let emily&Zach; know their going to be "half aunts and uncles" cause she had to make it clear, there was a difference. But, I'm just a ******* lying ****** so what do I know? It's not my fault the evil ***** let her brother **** himself in jail cause you guys are all about "tough love" and now she lives with the guilt and has taken it out on me. I'm sorry he died b/c ppl couldn't understand addiction is a disease, no one wants to live that way! But, I hope she has night terrors til the day she dies. And you, how could you be a grandfather when you weren't even a father?! You're just poison and that's all you'll ever be. My Father's Day card remains true. Cut me outta your will, as if we're or especially me are even in it! Idc! Uncle George wasn't on good terms with his son but he tried to fix it! And the son just couldn't spend more than two hrs with him and now he's gone forever. How will you feel when that day comes?

Not like you

Just thought you should know my moms uncle George, who married you guys, he just died an hour ago.

Idk why I even told you! It's not like you're gonna say anything or even remember that time of your life! You aren't even interested in the fact that me, being your blood daughter having a child, makes you a grandfather nmw I feel. You still say nothing! Show no interest! I am praying for the day that I can forgive all your short comings and hurt you've put me through, so that I stop being angry and hurt and won't have any guilt when your time comes unlike uncle George's son. Cause I tried ******! Since I was 13 I've tried, and me not being around makes no difference, you care about ****** no one but yourself! I hope one day you look in the mirror and see your dads face and not yours. Maybe you'll wake up. And trust me, everything will turn out like I want it to cause I had one parent showing me the right thing to do my whole life! NOT BE YOU!!!!

Just 9 years and some months ago, I thought I made the best choice
And for the best reason
You weren't father material
And I refused to have my child grow up with an ******* father like I did
So that right there, took the choice off me and ultimately you made it for me
Now I've come to terms with the fact that No One but me, made that choice
Back then on some level I knew....
Because I cried, screamed, went through every bottle... And most of all
I hated you

Why I stayed for so long, I'll never know
Beside the loss, you were horrible to me
Always scattered bottles at your feet, and lines across the mirror
And my bruised reflection
Was it being only 20?
Was it you being my first serious boyfriend?
No
I hated being alone
But, I hated being around you almost if not more
Which started a lot of our fights
I'd go down swingin
But, I always went down
Constant questions about my appearance
About my mood
About the broken heart I wore on my sleeve
There is most definitely a fine line between love&hat;;
I'm not sure I actually ever loved you
But I knew for sure I hated you, I couldn't get further away from you in the bed at night
If I came home at all

I got away from you
You finally pushed me too far
And every bottled up emotion and angry word rose to the surface
I snapped us like a twig and I never looked back
No matter how much you begged
I tried being your friend, I tried having patience while you moved out your things and moved away from me
But, it wasn't enough, and that same sad face made an appearance here and there in that mirror
Until I smashed it to pieces and just told you to leave me alone for good
You took every opportunity to throw MY loss in my face
"You took away my choice." This would blind me with rage
On the day I told you, you were so ****** up that you didn't even skip a beat with going on doing your own thing
Leaving me and the question alone
I saw my future that day
I could've and should've tried another route
I didn't need to pay and neither did the loss
Now I worry, my karma will prevent me from feeling that tiny, tight grasp on my finger in the future

I've made peace with what choice I made
What choices I didn't make
They were mine
You played a part, but I coulda fought harder
I don't think I could admit I was scared shitless
Not that I couldn't do it, I would've had help
But, that I couldn't have protected the loss from you for forever
I wished I'd tried
I'll always miss you little lost one
Every February I'll shed tears for what was your arrival
I hope you've forgiven me
I just wanted what was best for you
I probably made a mistake or didn't think it through long enough
Idk where you are, but I hope I somewhat did the right thing
You'll always be my first
You'll always have a tiny, tight grasp on my heart
Always little lost one

Mommy's sorry....