This room wreaks off stale smoke
As I take a drag off the 1000th one I smoked tonight, I can see the smoke lingering in the air
Just sitting all around me
Some manages to creep it's way outta the window
I glance out the window, the harsh cold wind hits my face
I'm looking down at the people  and the cars **** by
I walk away, why did I pick to live on the 14th floor of this apartment building?
Did I forget I was afraid of heights the day I signed the lease?

I sigh, smash the cigarette into the ashtray
Glance around, it doesn't even look like anyone lives here
Or at least that I live here
But, when she comes to visit, there's always a trial of destruction left behind
Empty whiskey bottles piled in the trash, half drank beers throughout the rooms
Pills scattered across the table, with rolled up 20$ bills and dust everywhere
I wipe my nose as it starts to trickle a little bit
Pull my hand away to find blood across the side of my hand
Then a painful sensation on my face
I race to the bathroom, put tissue on my nose and pinch
And then stare at myself wide eyed
She really did a number on me this time

A very black&blu;; eye stares back at me, with smaller bruises on my other cheek
What the hell happened here?
This wasn't my life anymore... How'd I get back here?
Suddenly I felt I could throw up right then and there
I gag a few times, shaking I grab the sink and splash cold water on my face, then cringe as my eye stings from the cold water
He must be here
She must have invited him
Too ****** up to remember the good life she was finally starting to have
I walk slowly down the hall, step and cry out in pain
Now there's blood on the floor, I close my eyes as I pull the glass from my foot
How in the hell did all this glass make it to my bedroom hallway?
I bend down and it's a combination of broken frames that got knocked off the wall and a smashed bottle of Jameson that must've been thrown at him but he'd shut the door too quick
Why did that ***** come back?
My hands shaking more now, I pick up up what's left of a picture of me and the one who truly cares
The one I've always looked for
Not him, who only she would allow to stay
I cover my mouth to hold back a scream
If I wake him up, I'll be in for a world of hurt
But, when I have to explain to the one in the picture what's happened here....
Well, I'll still be In a world of pain just a different kind
A worse kind, and the kind that's all my fault

I finally peek in my bedroom door and then shut it quickly, and slide to the floor crying
No longer able to hold it in
He lays sprawled across my bed, straws, pills, half a glass of whiskey on the night stand
I grab my hair and finally let out a gut wrenching scream
"Why do you come back here??" I scream violently at her
"My life was finally getting better, but that's always when you come around isn't it? Can't let me be happy! Oh no, that'd be a crime. ****** wouldn't it?!" I'm screaming so loud, my neighbors have probably called the cops
Doesn't matter, I'll be long gone by the time they get up here
And she'll just be laughing
Laughing, laughing because she got me again
And continues to prove I can't escape her
I take a breath and look in the mirror and her face smirks at me, then I see my banged up face again
And I realize... She is me
A dark, cold, destructive, broken hearted girl who lights fire and laughs as she burns
I yank the mirror and throw it clear across the living room
It hits the wall and SMASH!!! Shards of glass fly all around me
"Get out!" I shout "and take your ***** and your drugs with you, this is not my life anymore, I told you I was done!"
The wind blows in from the window and I swear it whispered "You're the one who called me."
"No, no it isn't true!" I'm coming undone at the seams now
I pick up the pills and throw them out the window, I rip the rolled up $20 bill in tiny shreds
I add these half drank beers layin around to the collection of whiskey bottles in the trash
I'm close to just taking a match to the apartment and going down in flames with it, everything's ruined anyway....

"Why the **** are you screaming and making so much ******* noise?!" He yelled while standing in the hall, making sure he avoided the glass from the bottle meant for his face last night
I'm frozen, my eyes locked on him can't let him make a single move and not be ready
"What the **** are you doing here? Don't you know SHE called you, not me?!" I glare at him wishing on everything he'd just vanish like the smoke had out the window
He smirks and shakes his head, mumbling what a crazy ***** I am
"No one but YOU called me!" His violent tone makes me flashback to the night before, when I pleaded for him to stop

This isn't gonna work
There's no coming back from this
Not this time, I've ******* up to the point of no return
Those cold eyes staring at me I never in my life wanted to see again
She would be the only one stupid enough to ever go back to him
To this wasteland she calls a life
The one from the shattered frame is just that
A shattered dream... And she took it from me
Well that's the last thing she takes
I'm winning the last round
He's been yelling at me now for at least 10 mins, I haven't heard a word but I sputter "I don't care"
Enraged he makes his way toward me
Eyes wide with fear but, realizing I only have one choice
I spin around, push the sliding glass door open and climb on the ledge of my balcony staring down so so far below me, the wind whipping my hair all around my face
I hear him call "what are you doing... Don't do..,"
But before he can finish his sentence, I close my eyes and jump

I scream so loud it wakes me from my sleep
I'm covered in sweat
My dog just stares at me, too frightened to move
There's a picture of me and the one who truly cares on my nightstand
Not a single crack
No pills, straws, whiskey bottles or broken glass
She's not here
It's just me in the dark, with a slight chilly breeze comin in through a cracked window
I lay back down and hold the covers tight
Shivering but I'm not cold
Fear just runs wild, and burning in my veins
She's not here, he's not here and there's no trail of destruction
In the window I see my reflection
No black&blu;; eye or face, no blood trickles from my nose
I light a cigarette and smile at the smell of stale cigarettes in the ashtray
It's never smelled so beautiful and I have never felt more free of her than I do at this moment
Cause in that moment I realize I am me
I used to know her, but she's from the past and she doesn't know where I live anymore
I smash my cigarette into the ashtray and smile as some of it creeps out my window

I never saw this coming
There was no light at the end of the tunnel
Your grip on me was so strong
How could I escape?

You were wonderful at first but. You quickly changed
And suddenly I needed you way more than you'd ever need me
But you because so cruel, if I tried to ignore you, you'd make me so crazy I had to see you

I want out of here
I don't want to be around you anymore
You're not my friend, you're like a poison slowing killing my soul
I wasn't even a shadow of who I'd been
I cried so many nights, wanting to reach out but, judgement scared me more than you

You weren't my only enemy
No the devil was by my side everyday, every night feeding me with lies
And constant excuses on why we needed to see you
I hated it so much, I was trapped
If I didn't do what he said, I faced harsh consequences, and I was just as afraid of him as I was of you
What in the hell was I gonna do to get out of this hell that was my life now

All of the sudden something dark and scary took me away from the both of you
A foolish mistake saved me
It forced me to see you and him in a realistic light
I spent many nights lonely, in pain and ashamed

The gates finally opened
As the fresh air hits my face, I smile but then quickly realize what's happening
I have my choices back
And you're right around the corner
And HE is coming
I know what I should do, I know I should tell you to *******...
But, when I'm around him I become weak
I lose my voice
So we hung out with you a few more times

I was crying, sweating, freezing and hating myself
I already did this! Why the hell did I go back to your house for?
Why am I with him, I can see in his eyes that he's sinking deeper
He's with you all the time
And I never wanna see you again
And I won't

So life went into different direction fast
A path I never ever thought it'd be possible for me to be on
I was seeing everything and everyone for exactly what they were
He was the worst, and as days passed, he grew darker and any loving feelings I had ever felt from him were gone
And so were mine, in fact I couldn't find a single reason to care anymore

It took longer than I wanted for things to end with him
Even though he was nothing but toxic
I couldn't seem to work up the courage to just say "it's over, we don't belong together"
I played every trick in the book
I was cold and distance, distracted
But, it just caused fights
And the fights meant nothing to me, no guilt or remorse filled my heart
I just wanted my indifference to make him leave

As usual, the **** literally hit the fan
Our last blow out was huge, earth shattering
Though I no longer desired him, his words sliced me right to the core, bringing out anger that I'd buried for so long
Trapped, no way out, you took control of the situation
In my own home, my parents upstairs sleeping with no clue the evil happening below them
He almost took everything from me
My breathing was none existence, I was seeing dark spots, fading away slowing
This can't be the way it ends
And I didn't even get to say goodbye to my mom

Abruptly he backed away
I lay there gasping for air
Crying while holding my broken heart in my hand
I climbed In my bed, sobbing, looking at the wall, holding my broken heart tightly in my hand
I never thought I could hate someone as much as I hated him

The next day brought sun and a mixture of tears
As I remembered every disturbing moment from last night
Ignoring the bruises in the mirror
It was over, I repeated these words to him over and over
His arrogance had him in shock
As if the night before hadn't taken place
And even though tears filled my eyes as I repeated my words
I wasn't crying over the loss of him, but the fact that it took a glimpse of death to free myself of him

But, the tragedy turned into a victory for me
Not because he got what he deserved
That I was free from him and you
Thinking about either makes me laugh now
The demons are slowly exiting my body and soul
He's still trapped
You'll always be one of my biggest mistakes

But,  I'm over you both.
And there's no way in hell I'd ever come back
No need for goodbyes
There's no sentiment being left behind
Just an empty man... Whose completely clueless to what's happened
Just give it time
People won't forget the evil things he did

But they will forget you
Hands had been extend to him
To help
But, he'd say " I have no problem"
And that's ok
But, maybe when hes 40 and still in the same place, And everyone has moved on, he'll see he wasn't the only evil one in the room... You were lurking in the shadows, whispering his name and he couldn't ignore you
And all that time is just gone now

He was just part of my addiction
Part if my fear of not being alone
But the second I made him go
The darkness was lifted, the sun came out
And I saw a world, I'd missed out on
If I'd stayed, well never mind that's wasn't an option

In the late of night
The devil tried to steal my light from me forever
There was nothing but hate in his  eyes
He knocked me down hard and repeated
I got up. I got out. I got a little braver

And then I got up, free and far away from you
No longer poisoned
I am not his prisoner
I'm no longer at either of your beck and call

I am free. I am me

I am me again

It's been over a year
Over a year since I couldn't stop thinking about you since we met
Almost one year since you took my heart causally in your hands and tore it apart
Then left as I crumbled on the floor
I'll never understand how it was so simple for you
When I was struggling just to breath
I ran for awhile, I couldn't bare the pain of losin you
Then as I knew it would, it was time for me to go home
Closer to you
Closer to your smell on what was once your pillow
Tears overflowed for months
Even when you came back into my life
I was with you but, not all at the same time
Closer than ever to a breakdown
Ready, pretty much already on my knees pleading for you to give us another chance
Stuck on the fence, you blocked me in
I couldn't get over, I couldn't get under
You were all my eyes, my heart could see
Slowly my soul was dying because without you, I felt I had nothing in it
The fire you'd once ignited, wasn't even a lonely spark anymore
Just smoke rising from the ashes of what was you and me
Even after she moved in
I kept chasing hope, I kept saying "Time will make him see, it's me, not her."
The clocks still ticking
Closer to your arrival home
Which I dread
I don't want to see you and fall to pieces
But then today it hit me
Like a ton of bricks
Or maybe I busted through
I was just staring up at the sky, and I realized, I hadn't thought of you once today
Not even for half a second had you crossed my mind until I realized you hadn't
And I smiled
I grabbed my pen and scribbled some words on a piece of paper I might be talking about it now
But, only outta sheer excitement
Restored faith
Finally a light, even though so dim, it was at the end of the tunnel
Because, today was a big day
The day I got closer to being over you

Smooth sand, crisp clear waves
Sunlight for days and days
I stare into the ocean in a slight haze, lost in my thoughts
The waves like my life, some small, some big, like lessons I've been taught
I came here for peace, serenity
To just forget for awhile and stare into what appears to be eternity
The sunrise bright in my eyes
Making the torment transparent I carry inside
That reveals me, leaving me open
Yes what you see is true, I'm not just a saint,that I also sin
I'm not really that different than you
But when you look at me, you see the shipwreck, and think that can't be true
I'm not the only one with scars
Or the only one wishing on stars
The pain I feel inside is deep
I tell no lie, I do not want to continue to row what i seep l
I confess to it all
No one pushed me down, no I had a bad fall
Took me so much longer than I thought to get back on my feet
To try and sort through the pain stacked in tall piles so neat
I start but I have to stop from time to time
It's too much and sometimes I'm taken back that it's all mine
That it's self inflicted
I had no clue my hatred for myself was so wicked
I guess she needed me to wake up before I never got the chance to again
Suddenly I knew I wanted things better than they'd been
As I watched the waves crash on the shore, it all becomes clear to me.
I fell and I'm up
But I gotta get movin
I'm sorry if you get left behind, I asked you to stay and follow
But this journey will be my own
I'll return a stranger, just as you became a stranger to me
I shake my head, stare deep at the clear blue water and it hits me
The water splashes my feet as I get closer to the ocean
It so warm, so inviting and I dive into a wave
The water takes over and I feel completely at peace
And my journey begins..