I have to fight this
The urgency to talk to you
The loneliness from taking over me
Not to hide from a world that seems ugly without you
I have to fight the need to need you
To hear your voice
To have it make the pain go away
You're gone
Idk if you're coming back
So I have to fight
I have to fight the urge to hold on and wait for you.. When you may never come
I have to fight forever
Because forever fades away
I've got to fight the want to keep you with me
If only my heart would join the fight...

You Kissed Me Goodbye

I loathe these feelings for you that just won't go away
You lit a spark, it enraged a fire
The brightest fire I'd ever seen
I was blown away
You'd swept me off my feet before I realized I was no longer on the ground
I was flying high on cloud nine at first
It felt like a dream... Compared to the night horrors I'd lived through
If you were a drug, I was completely addicted

Your touch gave me chills, so soft so gentle
Laying on your chest watching tv was my favorite place to be
Riding through the nights with the stars a blur with the wind in our faces
My hair wild, you laughing while pulling over to put the top up
I was freezing, but didn't want to stop your fun
But, I guess at the time...my happiness came first
Like I said, cloud 9 was a magical place to be

I knew that the initial high as with any relationship, was gonna come down
I knew the bliss of cloud 9 wouldn't always be how it was
I knew nothing was perfect for ever
Things were still great, we were together must of the time
I told myself not to let myself get to attached to you
I was already living in a fear for the other shoe to drop
You to turn into a ugly, vicious monster, who wanted nothing more then to tear me to pieces
But the true monster was my fear
Not you

Things got messy
We began arguing all the time
I hated it, I was so scared of losing you
But, I was so paranoid that you were just gonna leave in the middle of the night
My insecurities and doubts took over and I went over everything you did, with a fine tooth brush
I decided you were guilty before I knew for sure

That twinkle in your eyes had faded
You were distance , cold and distracted
I had no idea the distraction was her
I never saw you as the cheating type
Considering you were always with me and holding my eye
I never thought there was physically enough room for another person
Wrong
And that's when my life forever change
And what's worse you can't seem to grasp what you've done to my heart....

But, you kissed me goodbye with tears in your eyes
You held me tighter than ever before
So you have a good sense of what you've done
You did to me what someone in your past did to you, and too proud to admit it
You did nothing. Said nothing.

My hearts shattered pieces glisten with stained tears in the sunlight
And you kissed me goodbye
But, you didn't let me go

So I guess this is just how it ends
You full of pride and selfishness
And me missing you, even though my feelings will never even reach your radar...

But, I can't say goodbye
I stare at the ashes from our once blazing fire... Wishing my heart would go out
Just like our fire did...

I wanna say goodbye....

It's Saturday June 15th 2013
It's been 9 long, dragging months since you left my sight
I still can feel your arms wrapped around me tight as I cried goodbye with my head pressed against your chest
The way you squeezed me tighter
And kissed me on the top of my head, while holding my hand
I see can see bright as crystals the tears dwelling in your eyes too
I bet you didn't realize it might be hard for you too?

It's been 5 agonizing months since she moved in with you
And the choice you seemed to be battling with had been made
You'd only missed a week here and there of your regular late night phone calls
But by this time, I couldn't remember the last time my phone rang and your voice was on the other end
She just swept in and with a snap of her fingers everything changed
Your demeanor towards didn't just go cold, from 5,000 miles away I felt frost bite
She wanted you to cut all ties with me
And you did

It's been a year and two months since we met
This time last year we were always wrapped up in each other
It wasn't just a spark, it was a fire
And as loud as my insecurities were, I guess you never heard the bliss I was in being with you
You were different
And everyone says that, but you truly were a turn around from where I'd been
A breath of fresh air with strong arms to hold me
A chest for a pillow at night
The sun the chased all the dark away
Our hands always seemed to fit so comfortably together
I was in such awe of you... That's probably why I didn't see the fiery ambers falling from the sky
Or the icy water you'd tossed on our once out of no where but beautiful fire had once been
You'd already moved on before you moved out and blind sighted me with goodbye

It's been a one of the hardest years of my life
When you came into my life, everything changed and for the better
All my bets were on us
I still haven't recovered from that devastating loss
My life crumbled and things that once made sense didn't
And you were all around me even though you'd disappeared
I left, ran as far as I could
But, I coulda done a lap around the earth and these feelings of rejection, confusion, emptiness and nothingness would just have been waiting
Without you in my life nothing felt right
I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say
I'd had no time to prepare
So I just decided I'd have to cut every single tie that we had
Seeing you and not seeing that blazing fire in your eyes... It was too heartbreaking
So I told you "if its over, it's over. We don't speak or see each other anymore"
But of course, you had another plan

It's been a year since things slowly began to change
And "I'm sorry" with the follow of the same mistake pushed you further away from me
Don't you get I was just afraid of losing you?
My heart had never beat like this before
But, it was what it was.... Or was it?
The second I tried to excuse myself from your life
You lost it. Begged relentlessly for me to stay
You didn't want me out of your life, much less out of arms reach
Pathetically I clung to what was left of you that was mine
Constantly waiting for your love to return to me
But you were so back and forth
One day, you'd cuddle with me on the couch, kiss me and play with my hair
Then vanish outta sight for a day or two after
Remember that choice that ultimately you made much later?
I guess that's what you spent the rest of the summer doing
You spent most of your days and nights with me
We still went out together
Ran errands together
Slept in the same bed at night
And I never had to beg or twist those arms of yours to get you near me
A heart isn't unbroken unless its whole again
And my heart hasn't been whole in 10 months
Seeing you was just letting me sink deeper
And as I sunk, you'd go spend the night at her house
I'd get so jealous
But, I allowed the situation to continue

It's been a year and two months since everything in my life got turned upside down
And at the time... I just wasn't ready for all the sudden changes and feelings swirling around in my head
Why wouldn't you just let me go?
Why did you need me in your life for so badly, if your heart had been lead astray
That question will haunt me until my dying day
My broken heart
All the little shattered pieces.... They belong to you
But, you are ignorant or just cruel with the way you enjoy having the power
The girl in the background who might be different come this September
I've been waiting... Hoping and dreaming of you being mine again
I've tormented my own heart while you play house with her
Well you let her call the shots
Even if that meant leaving the person most important and close to you, whimpering in the dust and fog of yesterday

It's been almost a year since you said you needed to be free
That "it just wasn't working"
When a month prior to that, you couldn't seem to get enough of me
The one who accepted you for you and never asked you to change a thing
So I tried to do all the changing, even if I was faking it, I just wanted to be whoever caught your heart in the first place
If I ever had it at all
You had strong words when forced to prove yourself, but with so many opposing actions
There was just a trust that was gone
And that made you just like them
And that brought me to my knees, to weak to run away, but far from delusional
They say you've never experienced love until you've truly mourned from it
Everyday and night without you were timeless
And as if I'd never catch my breath again
Or see the sun
So I must love you
Because I still miss you
I still cry when something makes me think of us
I've still been silently waiting for you to come home with open arms
And I'd be just that foolish to fall right into them
The pain literally had consumed me
I was so broken, I didn't have a clue as to where to start putting myself together again
I might not be perfect, but my darling, neither are you
And no one else has my eyes
The eyes that would memorize you sometimes and I'd get away with whatever I wanted
But, it was small silly stuff
You always laughed about how there was no one quite like me
And how much you liked the fact that I just accepted you, flaws and all and I never demanded you change a thing
To me you were perfect just the way you were
And I fit too perfectly in your arms

In September it'll be a year since you've seen me
Since I cried myself to sleep the night you left
I can't keep going back there
My heart rebreaks every single time
Everywhere I go, we've been
When I sleep at night, the bed is empty where you used to lay
It's finally become too much and I need to say goodbye
But, I'm not sure you'll get to say goodbye like I did
And I'm not sure my absence will matter, since you let her so easily fill it
I can't even imagine seeing your face and I'm far from ready to handle all the emotions that are gonna take over me if I do
I'm just going to fade into the fog and drive off in the night
You may not even realize I'm gone at first, or that you're one of the reasons I had to had out onto the dark, endless road
But when you do want to see me
And you find out that I'm not waiting in the background
You'll probably be stunned... And sad
You'll miss me
I don't think you ever stopped
You just let someone talk over your thoughts
It'll be the unusually warm, sunny, windy September day that you'll realize a years gone by since you could stand close enough to touch me
And it'll be that day in September when your endless thinking begins
And you'll have to know and feel the miles between us
It'll be a years passed this September
And that day will be the day you start to wonder how we got here
Why you went there
And left me here
Then had her move there
And now you're where we said goodbye
That September day will be the day you're face to face with all our memories
And the questions you can't help but ask yourself over&ove;;
That day since a year we'd said goodbye
Will be the day it finally all hits you and you just want back what you lost
That's the day you'll have to decide if its worth searching for
And you'll have to come find me
Because 3 months before September
I stopped waiting and I started living again
If on that day, your heartaches.... You'll make the choice to come find me
If not, that day in September it'll been a year since we'd seen each other
And everything changed