Jaimee Michelle

Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013

I saw a chance for forever in your eyes
Am I blind?
Or are you the one too stubborn to embrace what's standing right in front of you?
I can't stand here much longer
I'm slowly wasting away
All on a gamble
Am I seeing what doesn't exist?
Or are you seeing the world but, too afraid to grab it for fear of losin it?
Well if it is there
Grab me, squeeze tight and don't ever let me go
My heart only beats for you
But, it won't forever
I can't lose out on the unknown because I so badly want you to just be my diamond in the ruff
So open your eyes
See what you see
And hold me
Or release me

Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013

Would you?

What if I'd been the one to go?
The day you asked for "space", when you didn't even know what you were really asking for
What if I'd stuck to my guns?
Gave you that space
Gave you so much that only you were in it?
Even after saying "I'm sorry" "I didn't mean it like that" What if you'd begged for another chance and I just turned you away
Played it off as if it was nothing
Just a minor bruise
Not a complete break
Then what if I told you I'd found someone else?
While I was still supposed to be yours?
What if I started acting strange
And I never put my phone down
I slept on the couch
And when you'd try and be affectionate
I got cold, bothered and wanted none of it
What if I made you feel so unwanted you felt you were choking on your heartbreak?
What would you have done, if I still wanted "needed" you in my life
I let you go but didn't at the same time
You agree to stay but, only in hopes I'll change my mind because, the thought of sharing me kills you inside?
Every time you'd picture me with him, your stomach would turn
But, that little piece that was just yours still convinced you to stay?
Soon it was like nothing changed
We were still glued at the hip and I told you that no one else in this world was closer to me than you
In the moment I made you feel so important
In that moment I brought all the positive emotions to the table
I gave you hope
But, the next day or two, you text, you call
and I say nothing and you've sent quite a few
Would you feel cheap? Used? Second best?
Would it feel like the lies just left my lips like rain falls from the sky?
I don't even blink, skip a beat or stutter
I look dead in your eyes and say whatever I can to make you forgive me
Because the reality is, I do want to be with you but, everything was just so messy
I needed something easy, something that hardly needed my attention
But ****** if I still didn't need yours
And you pleaded for mine
And other days, I was the one so eager to see you
My words and actions always sending mixed signals
Not allowing you to let go of what you desired most
Me
You just want my time, my arms around you, and for me to just accept you back
How would you deal with the shoe on the other foot?
Would you just be so cool with it all? Your heart wouldn't be twisted in knots?
You'd be able to just walk away too, as I stood there calling, sobbing your name
Promising ill be better
Would you just accept the blame?
Leftovers would fill you up?
Knowing you just needed me to see beyond the hurt, break down your walls
Could you just accept it? And hope for the best?
Repeating to yourself that I do care, she does care
What if I got on that plane
And you were the one in shambles
With nothing but a phone call to look forward too
But, then what do you do when they stop?
And I act as if I don't even know you?
That I haven't been toying with your heart for months
My selflessness wouldn't drive you insane?
Especially, cause you couldn't stay mad
Your heart just continued to want me
You couldn't let go cause I left you an empty box with no answers in it?
Would you just forgive me?
Trust me again?
Would or could you admit why you did what you did to a person who never saw it coming?
What if you knew my mind, my heart got right
And I was beyond sorry for ever leaving you
My heart won't let you go, please please give me a chance to prove how much you matter to me
Just ask yourself what the ******* would feel if the script was flipped
And you were left with endless memories
With a heart wrenching goodbye...
Would you forgive me?
Would you ****** forgive me?
Tell me
Tell me ******
My heart hasn't stopped aching
My eyes are still crying
And through my blurred vision, you're all I see
All I think about
All my dreams are about?
No escape even in my sleep
What would you feel?
What would you want to say?
Tell me ******!
Put my **** shoe on
Would you still be waiting?
Would you???
WOULD YOU???

Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013

Daddy

Daddy, where'd you go?
I can't find you
Haven't we played hide n seek long enough?
I need my dad
I don't think these games are so much fun anymore

Daddy,
What did I do?
Why do you look at me with eyes full of disappointment?
The words you speak are so angry, so violent
You make me feel so small.... I want to go hide again

Daddy,
Why did you hurt mommy?
How could you let me see that side of you?
Is it because, she's better than you?
Did you get mad that you couldn't just love unconditionally?
Are you still playing hide n seek with your dad?
You broke my heart that day daddy
That's the day you stopped being my daddy

Dad,
How is it you can't say sorry, and really wish you hadn't hurt me so?
When you hear me pour out my heart to you, tears flooding my face
Eyes burning red, and hardly able to catch my breath
You remain cold, silent unchanged
You're sorry
Lets never forget that... That you're sorry I feel this way
You're sorry I want you to explain why you hurt mommy?
And why you've never looked at me with pride in your eyes?

Dad,
You're so clueless to the damage you have done
A little girl needs her father
He's supposed to show her how a man is supposed to treat her like a princess
But, that was impossible, for you are the monster that guards the castle
You taught me things
You taught me love hurts
Love leaves
Love bleeds
And that the word love can mean nothing, even though its such a powerful word

Dad,
That was years ago
But, I carried around what I saw, what I heard and the feeling of your breath on my face when I displeased you
I grew up backwards
I thought craziness, pain and drama was the norm
As much as I despised you
As much as I hated even saying the word "dad"
If there was anyone around that was remotely like you
Anyone who yelled, pushed, threatened or verbally beat me so low I could barely stand
I let them in my life and said "oh I'm finally in love"

Father,
Don't get confused
Don't get my words twisted
This is far from all your fault
I stayed in the relationships that caused me extreme amounts of heartache
My mistakes in life will always be mine
But, if you dare try and say your hands clean, I may show you another thing or two I learned from you "daddy"
The corner was the safest place until I finally got away
And clung to mommy to save me from the bad man
She became mom and dad
She filled your shoes way better than you ever could
Are you still sorry I feel that way?

Father,
This has gone on too long
Chasing acceptance and love from a man who didn't get it himself,
So how could he give it back right?
No. But, that's what you say to help you sleep at night
My hatred and anger towards you consumed me for many of my years
Everything lead back to, why doesn't he love me?
Why doesn't he want me?
Mom, what did I do wrong?
These were answers she didn't have answers for
So she just loved me more to try and make the void you created go away

Biological father,
Many things have changed over the years
I'm cracked, but no longer broken by the words you said, or couldn't say
I don't care about that look of disappointment in your eyes
Trust me, my disappointment for you is much stronger and much more powerful than the "standards" of yours I didn't fulfill
I haven't seen you in so long
I don't think I can remember the last time we spoke
Most of the time, I can't seem to fill in time when I've thought of you
You don't deserve my time
You aren't worth my words
And you'll never understand what I think
My life is a mystery to you

Daddy,
I will leave this world the same way I came in it to you
A person crying with wide eyes
Wide curious eyes that never really saw you
A person with no words that you'd understand
Someone who simply just needed you to show up
To say "I love you"
But, I suppose even adults can't say things they don't understand

Daddy,
It's round two of hide n seek
I'm going to hide first this time
I'll hide for a minute
Then I'll quietly get up and slip away
You'll never be the wiser
You'll wonder how I got so good at this game
Well, don't you know what a great teacher I had?
The further I go, the clearer the skies get
The breeze is warm and inviting, the house I walk into has the door open, in fact, it's always been open
Eventually, you'll realize I'm not hiding, I left you without saying goodbye
Your eyes will fill with disappointment and your voice will shake with anger because, it's the only emotion you know how to express
My blank stare won't make it better
Taunting in a way
You'll open your mouth to really let me know how I am
But, ssshhh daddy
It's ok
I'm sorry you feel that way

Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013

Stranger

We weren't supposed to matter to each other
We were just two strangers that shared a smile, and a hello
I blinked and this stranger suddenly meant the world to me
My world became intertwined with this strangers
For some reason, no one gave me more comfort or left a smile lingering on my face
The stranger soon made that smile fade
Just like that, we were back to two strangers in a room full of people
Except the stranger left with my heart and a goodbye this time
A stranger captured my heart

Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013

Brown eyed boy

The arrogance that comes off your body in waves radiates its own heat
But, it's fake. Pretend.
A shield you use to protect the little boy you actually are inside
Most kids haven't and shouldn't see what you've seen.
I was sorry for the hate, and mistrust you found at such a young age
I just wanted to tell that little boy one day his world would be beautiful and that even in the ugliness of this house on the corner
He was already beautiful
I never got the chance to reach that little boy

You took over, although you were him in an older form
You had not resolved the hurt that little boy felt
The little boy whose mom was too busy smokin rocks as pretty as glass
Yelling at the boy to find his own dinner
And get mommys purse, she's running out of glass rocks
That little boy wasn't stupid, and the resentment he formed has take control
Your life is about you
It's about the hate you carry inside because, you never sat down with that little boy and let him cry
No, instead you built a wall to protect yourself plus fatal toys to keep you safe too
Your friends were filled with that hate too
Wouldn't it surprise you to know that you were just a bunch of wounded little boys
Running a muck, surrounded by violence and death
When all you wanted was someone to tell you you were good enough

Now you're just an angry man
Filled with so much hate, your life is never going to change
You think your strong
You think you done and seen what others couldn't bare
But, you suffer everyday from what you've done
What you didn't stop
What could've happened to your best friend if you hadn't let the hate take the reigns
We can't go back
Nothing's going to change yesterday
But, you could've changed your today, which would've brought a brighter tomorrow
Stubborn as you were listening to all the yelling when you were a boy
No forgiveness
You don't care where your mom went
She'll die before you realize, you were just a boy who just tried to survive as he got older
You could let her know where those glass rocks led you and what it was like to turn around and sell those pretty rocks
What it was like getting wasted with your mom when your just in elementary school
By middle school, hope had been long gone
And high school lasted 5 minutes

Here you are
Just hate filled and waiting for what's owed to you
Thinking there are no consequences for your actions
Staying on a path that leads to no where because, you're too scared to see what the other side of life has to offer
I tried to be in your life but, I was deemed too innocent to be let into the world you lived in
I was too good for you
Only a coward would say that, and you're biggest fear is that little boy being exposed
Even though I told you I could see him, and that you didn't have to live that way anymore
You refused to change
Playing games with my heart, knowing you'd just fill yours with hate for me so you wouldn't suffer another loss
But, leave me standing in a puddle of my own heartbreak
I watched you walk away, I saw you look back
I saw the little boy in your eyes
I felt sadden for a moment
But shook it off
You didn't have to be this way, you could of started over
Your past was behind you but you walk as if its up in front of you
You'll be haunted by the little boy forever
Because, you were too scared to say "we'll be ok"

I feel nothing when I look at you now
You're no more than a frightened child during a thunder storm
You cling to the past like a blankie
Telling yourself it gives you the right to enter, interrupt and even destroy a life
It doesn't
When you're 50 you'll still be right where you are now, maybe married but in reality alone
You'll look in the mirror
And those innocent round brown eyes with tears spilling over the brim looking back at you
You've gone no where, that so called arrogance you sweat in, that's just the fear that tortures you everyday

I used to want to hug you
I used to encourage you to be more
You'll never be
And I can't stand the hate you made me feel when you were near
The hatred won
So welcome to your life
Because this is it
Dead end
The bridge that lead to the other side burned to ashes, from the fire you started
So don't mind me if I don't sit around and watch you stand still over there
Half alive, on the other side of the burnt down bridge, with the crying brown eyed boy...
Is you in the house on the corner
The house on the corner you never left

You choose fear
I choose life
You're right I don't belong here
I never did.
Goodbyes mean nothing round here
I'll just let the empty silence tell you

Don't take this poem the wrong way. I cared for this person but the past doesn't define us, you don't have to fall victim to circumstance. There's always another choice. He decided he couldn't do better than where he'd been and I couldn't be a part of the victim game. I hope you'll understand.

Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013

❤Us❤

We met.Fate
I smiled you smiled back.Luck
We talked made plans.Anxious
We were always together.Glued
We laughed endlessly.Clicked
Then we kissed.Swepted
You were mine I was yours.A pair
Everything we did felt new.Fresh
My eyes locked yours.Trance
You held me tight always.Safe
We got so close so fast.Rushed
It was too easy too good.Change
I laid next to you but alone.Sad
I smiled you'd frown.Confused.
The laughter quieted.Speechless
I kissed you you felt cold.Statue
My eyes stared at you.Stranger.
We went in circles argued.Games
You picked hideNseek.Liar
So you ran off and hid.Gone
I searched and searched.Empty
Seasons changed tears fell.Ice
I caught a glimpse of you. hope
It's been months now.Denial
I still see your smile.Longing
But you're hidden away.Far
I was the seeker,I sought.loss
We met I smiled you smiled.Over
You vanished I ache.Lost
I stopped seeking.Broken
Wishful we meet again.diluted.
I'll smile and you'll smile.Dreams
We met.Fate

This has nothing to do with my poem but, how do use italics or bold? I'm beyond confused. But, I hope you like this one. It's one of my favorites.

Jaimee Michelle Jun 2013

How

How could it come to this?
Where did this fork in the road come from, and why didn't we go the same way?
I thought we were on the same path
How come you suddenly sped up and I couldn't follow?
You were always right there
With a goofy grin and cozy arm
Laying beside you was my favorite thing to do
Everything with you was an adventure
It always felt brand new
As clumsy as I was, and as much as I fumbled my words.. I always felt the best around you
How come you took that away?
It feels like it must be something I did
Something I said, something I forgot to say..
I've spent so much time wondering and missing you and the "what we could've been?"
I've surpassed the time we were actually bonded together
But, I just didn't see an end with us
Things got hard sometimes, but that's just life
I always thought we brought out the better person in each other
How can you forget the endless laughter?
I haven't forgotten my endless tears..
How come you have?
Why does it feel like you strung me along to continue to satisfy your needs?
Afraid to be alone when she wasn't around?
How could I be so pathetic that I sat there and let my heart break just so I could keep a piece of you..
A piece
A piece I also lost
There was no battle
There wasn't a war
Just you surrendering with your white flag and vanishing from the battlefield
As I stood there bruised and battered
Crying and falling to my knees pleading
How could you let me do that?
I wanted a clean break
You clung onto me and I let you
So whose fault is this really?
I retreated so slowly
Always looking over my shoulder
Whispering "come back"
But, you're not
If you did, I wouldn't even know what to feel
You left when I needed you most
Difficult as I could be, I was always there when you needed me
But, this isn't tick for tac
I wish letting go meant what it says
Yes, I've let the idea of us go
But, I still miss you
I still wish on that tiny star in the sky sometimes
How could I dream of you, when you don't even think of me?
It's not about actions
Or words
Just facts
And the fact is, I'm still asking "how come" when you're not even asking "How are you?"
You started a spark, which caused a fire
How come I wasn't around to watch it go out, and how come I didn't see you throw water on the flames?
Why are these silly sad tears back on my face?
When do I start to be angry and resent you for all this?
Why is it that I just can't?
I still remember everyday we spent together like it was yesterday
I see my smiles in pictures
They've all faded
And my hearts become a broken record
And a stomping ground
How could it come to me almost wishing we'd never met, so I wouldn't have to hurt like this?