Ever since I was a child I would hear the wind whisper my name

Let the music of the heavens utter the tune of my youth

I wanted the cool breeze to swiftly flow over the delicate tiger lily that sleeps in the loam of my mothers garden bed

Let yellow flecks of it's sweet nectar disembark upon my rose flushed cheeks

My bare feet trot through the abundant marshy terrain

Jumping into the untouched sapphire water, watching the ripple in the waves empower the subtle pond

I want to live in green.

Because green is more than just a color, it's a way of life

Green is the leaves that produce us air in which we inhale giving us viability

Green is the sky which reflects onto the sun thus creating eternal being

Green is the tranquility of everyday life bringing us closer as individuals verses grouping us in pointless classifications

Green is not only a color, she is a person

She is the creator of Earths viridescence

Founder of all things beautiful,

Producer of all sounds wholesome

All this time I found out, she has been whispering my name.

Ever since I was a child I wanted to be kissed by a black angel

Letting death herself take me beyond the veil, just to experience what afterlife really was

To figure out what it was like to fly amongst craters of isolation, and become one with the universe

I wanted to experience every last drop , as I let her sable wings conceal my inanimate body as she approaches me with open arms

We'll fly through dimensions of breath taking scenery with the notion of me one day seeing the world

She whispers, "What have you always wanted to be?"

I tell her, "I just want to be a bird."

Instead of being six feet under I'd rather be six feet up

Wings that defy gravity as they glide across alluring orange skylines that are painted upon our universe

I want my feathers embroidered in the constellations so that I too can be beautiful

Sheltered nest protect me from my biggest insecurities

Sturdy branches wrap me up like warm blankets pulling on the heartstrings of mother nature making her feel envious

Leaping off splintered birch bark into spacious reality

Drifting from unwanted complications hovering over graceful fields of solitude

Hollow bones sit like broken rose petals so delicate in the nest but so strong in the wind

I was kissed by a black angel

Finally,
I am free.

I keep a jar in my corner of my head,
to the left
in which I keep all my fears
along with a couple unheard phone messages and some unused anger. Sometimes I'll go over just to look at them
sift
shuffle
turn over and over again
put them into boxes
take them back out of boxes
put them in other boxes
Most of them are silly really.
I fear either too much or too little,
But the jar completes the little room inside my head
so I keep it there.
I'll pull them out one by one.
I am afraid that when the sun comes again I will pale in comparison
I am afraid that I am not as much as you say I am
I am afraid after the winter you will no longer need me to keep you warm.

when people ask me if we like eachother
I reply back and say
"no we're just friends"
but I tend to think different because the other night:
when you were drunk,
you told me how you thought my laugh was perfect
and that whenever I do
it makes you smile
and how my smile lights up any room I walk into
when you were drunk,
you told me how you loved my eyes
and how they change from brown to green
you got mad at your friend who tried talking to me
and kept saying to him
"No she's mine"
People say that the truth comes out when you're drunk
I just wish you could say these things sober.
Whenever I bring up another boy,
you pretend like you don't care
but I can tell by the way your tone changes
and how you look at me like I've said the worst possible thing I could.
I don't think you realize
that if you said you wanted to be with me
I would drop anyone for you
but then I remember
"we're just friends"

Lately I've been looking for reasons to live. Not because I...plan on committing suicide soon. Because I lost my reason and way. I've walked a path of uncertainty, pain, filth, selfishness. I've belittled myself over countless mistakes, for errors in my genetic coding that makes me who I don't want to be.

   After all the cuts, scratches, burns and scars I think I'm ready to get better. Not through whittled down razorblades but through love and kindness. Like the theory of Nature Vs Nurture, it's not my nature holding me back, it's my lack of nurture. I'm an alcoholic ready to give up his bottle, a gambler whose chips are up. A suicide case who doesn't want his life to start with a person and end...with a rope.

   Lately I've been looking for reasons to live. 59 reasons for why I should live, 23 people who I hold close to my heart. Even if we don't talk, even if it's hard to breathe at night, even when there's no way out, even when I sob and reach out like a drowning man for oxygen I look, so much harder than anyone else for a reason to live.

   I think I just...lost my way. I'm looking for a reason to live...I'm selfish. I'm caring. I'm lost and I'm learning. I'm not a bad person but I'm no saint. I'm trying to do this for me.

I look at my little sister. She's beautiful and tragic,  like a metaphor. Or a cigarette or an odd cat. I look at her and see the same emptiness inside of me, only there's more hope for her. How do you tell somebody that you care for them? I don't think I've ever really cared for many people in a sibling kind of way. That requires an emotional connection that maybe I just lack. Like a wire in my head that was cut early on or misplaced in my head.

   Dear sister, I write you a poem. A letter. A song. I'm losing my mind, I'm going insane. Knowing that all I care about could just disappear within an instant. I don't want to lose my friends don't want to lose my sister. I was never close to my brothers it isn't fair if I lost you too. What is it you think of? What do you think about? I see you playing the piano and wish I could do that too. I'd ask you to teach me but I'm too shy to do that. I don't know if anyone's said it, but I'm proud of you. I see you trying your best and it's okay to do that. Take baby steps at a time cause the world is cruel but it seems to like babies to maybe you can trick it. I know, I've tried. Am trying. Trying harder?
   I don't know what it is I really want to tell you. You should know though I love you. I have a hard time telling people that. Have a hard time expressing feelings without suddenly wanting to cry or rip my arm to pieces. You'll be okay sister dear, I know you will.