My mother thinks the boy on our street tried to **** our dog.
She claims to have seen him do it too-“he was going to run it over!”
I try to explain to my mother that he is not that kind of evil.
He would never hurt a fly.

All he allows himself to hurt are girls-young girls-most have the same blood
****** and **** are words that make him cringe; he’s afraid somebody knows
Afraid that she told. Afraid his mom will find out what a monster he is.

I feel sorry for him, I really do. Having to hide his lust.
Having to suppress the fact he ***** all these girls.
It must ******* ****.
I can’t say i understand because I’m not made of dirt and sin.
I don’t know what it’s like to force *** onto so many beautiful young girls.
Put them in order; I won’t be the first.
I’ll be after his sister.
After his sisters friend.
Three more of his cousins and there my name will lie.
It’s a gut wrenching scenario ill never say more about,
Except that he’s more perverse than his daddy was.

Sun will scream mercy
And the fire spreads quickly
Blood will drip from skies

marks upon the skin no feline could make-bittersweet scarlet deluges the hate
the frenzy shall earn a place by her heart
she paints admist her blood; calling it art
violation of the windpipe and she’s loosing more weight

tries to forget the scars that he’s made
mother can’t help, father will tell
is she a produce of the devil? she is immersed inside hell
she instills the remarks and fights for the blade
  
"how fleshy she looks, her skin is too large"
cannot help but weep, the words create torment
now ***** manifests, the gut-wrenching scent
she lies in the mess, too faint to take charge

the edge chews in deep,
her pulse has decreased
so close the sun, her heartache will cease
the red stains tile, but she will not weep

her organs have slowed
drowning in sweet, sticky, red wine
mother crawls close, sees her design
her beating is done, all doors have been closed

Trace the outline of her body
Feel her scars
Feel her pain

Open her wounds

Drink her fear
Her guilt
Her shame

Melt your souls together  
Equally insane

One fears sun
The other; rain

Lungs full of sorrow
Liquid hate
She cries out to him
"It was today"

Her blood stained the knife
Red down the drain
His blood followed hers
Together they stay

i want to see my bones
and i want you to feel them
please, please. tell me i’m skinny,
i need you; i need you asking about the weight i’m losing
that i need to be losing
skinny and you’ll love me
you’ll love me if i’m skinny
please, wait and i’ll be skinny
i’m trying. i’m trying so hard.

***** covered hands
blood dripping from my nose
shaking
please, can’t you see that i’m trying?
don’t give up. not yet.
please, don’t give up on me yet.
i promise i’ll be thinner than her
thinner than everyone
please, wait. wait for me. i promise i’ll be skinny.
i promise.

i’m too fat for love
and i know what you think about me
because i think the same! i can see the rolls
i can feel the weight
i promise i’ll be skinny.
give me time. give me time.
all i need is time.
emaciated.
i want my bones to show.
i want to be used as a skeleton in a science class
i want everyone to see it
i want to show how skinny i can get
i promise i’ll be skinny
please, dont judge me for my extra pounds
they’ll be gone soon
i promise they’ll be gone soon

can’t you see i want this?
i’ve never wanted anything more
my hands are *****
blood, *****, sweat, tears.
my stomach is empty
always.
can’t you smell my breath?
my clothes?
my hair?
the scent of ***** lingers
i’m ruining my insides
so you can see my bones
please, see me.
please, can’t you see me?
you won’t look because of the fat
and i’m sorry for the sight you have to see
i promise you’ll soon be able to rub
your bones against my bones

i need my bones to show.
i need them to cut skin.
i need my bones to show.

Baby, you’re shaking, Tremors in your hands, your heart.
The rate of your heart is desperately flourishing
I know you’re scared. I feel your fear.
I need you to know that my hands shake as well
And I’ll never forgive if I castrate an artery
Oh, your beautiful blank arms
“Once won’t hurt.”
But soon your arms become a practice
For the doctors will look and think to themselves.
“How did she get like this?”
You think the track marks will mask the cuts!
But your just trading one addiction for another
Your arms are the definition of unzipped
In every possible way, they cry
They scream for help
They screech for more, more, more!
Convulsing, your pulse is barley thumping
Against my fingers; I cannot feel it
I’ve let this disease dominate you
I hooked a rope to your veins, a rope connecting straight to a coal from
Hell
And the manifestation
Oh, how it’s progressed. We both are consumed
Wishes for destruction. The weeping starts command.


My mother once told me to never smoke Mary
Or pop Molly
Or dance with the devil.


I suppose those warnings have been forgotten amidst the tar stuck to my brain
I want to lie with you, I want to feel your heart
I need to know you’re breathing


Sinner, Sinner.
We are going to burn.
We need to stop the heat
It possesses the angel and comforts the devil
I realize I’m not alone
But in this room under the moonlight, clutching a bottle of whiskey and
A needle blazing under my skin
I’ve never felt so lonely.
Are you in Heaven baby?
Or do you meet with Diablo in Hell?
All I know is that right now, I want to be with you
I want my affair with the fire to be real
I want the burning to be more than a sensation
Because you’re on fire
And I know it’s ******, but I don’t wish to put you out.
I will hold your hand and turn to ash,
I got you hooked; You overdosed.
I take the blame
Please forgive.

I can spot someone who hates themselves from a mile away.
I can see it in the way you sit. In the way you walk.
In the way you breathe.
Such timidness, such unsureness you don’t know if you belong here
You don’t know where you belong
They ask you what you want to be you say you don’t plant to live past 18.
They laugh, oh your jokes.
You can always make me laugh.
And you laugh along, you encourage their haste.
But what they don’t know is that this is not funny
And on your 18th birthday-you’ve planned it
You’re going to jump of the building on 42nd avenue
You’re going to watch the people, strewn below, deciphering just what you’re about to do
Making them regret the day they laughed; regret the day they doubted you

But girl, you’re barley grown. You need to relax, you need a moment to breathe
I will force you from the ledge-I will talk you down
Make you feel not so used up and I want you to believe in something
And if you’re having trouble finding a muse, use me as your painting
Believe in me
Because I believe in you, I have hope in you.
You just need to have hope in yourself.
You have the rest of eternity to be dead,
You’ve only got a while to live-so enjoy it
You’ll be dead soon If that comforts you
But while you’re here you cannot have such hate about yourself
And you cannot place yourself back into that dark hole you know oh too well

No matter the wrongs you’ve done or outdone
You are still worth everything inside you
The sun is going to come up whether you’re here or not
So why won’t you stay to enjoy it?
Learn to forgive yourself for the petty mistakes and set yourself free
Because once you unlock the chamber, your world will change
You will be unlocked, you will once be content in your own skin
Let go. Cut the rope tying you down- I know how cliche that sounds but its the only metaphor I know to exactly explain what’s stopping you
And all it is is a rope. Learn to release yourself from it. There is nobody holding you back. Just this pitiful, pathetic excuses of a rope.
You’re better than this. Stronger than the rope. Cut it.

Hateful tears slice my skin like razors in the bathtub
I’ve been hurt by the bare hands that once bound us together too many times
You were an angel to me and you loved me like a child
But when I come home and your breath smells like cheap whiskey you twist and thrive underneath burning skin belonging to a type of corruption only the Devil could endure

My bruised eyes are proof of your demons
My broken arm is proof of your demons
My always plentiful supply of makeup to cover your loving blue outline is proof of your demons
My battered body is proof of your demons

The pain doesn’t scare me. I accept it as my own.
I understand your need for attention and your need to be left alone.
I just haven’t mastered the ability to sense when you’ve been left alone with your thoughts for too long
Flashbacks of your own childhood-the ******* that your daddy forced upon you
The sound of skin tearing, the scent of blood. Your fathers voice. His silhouette hovering.

You linger in the doorway for too long when I walk in.
I look in your eyes; the **** videos play back to me. I know I shouldn’t touch-I remind you too much of your father.
Threats to leave me, swinging your fists.

Tomorrow you will say how mistaken you were-you thought I was your father you thought I was a monster but you know now that I’m the most intimate version of a mother you should know
Curling up, weeping your apology. Comfort me, hold me, you beg.

I know better than this. I picture my mother “Once and you leave him.” But its been 16 months now and i cannot leave a fallen angel.
I can’t bring myself to walk out because I know you chose me.
Distrusting; you chose me. You saw I had flowers splurging from my veins and all anyone else could see was self abusing thorns.

The blood from your knuckles soak the blood resting upon my face
It tugs and pulls and I bring you in
Your beautiful, tear filled eyes make me feel special
“I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry, I love you”
I’m sorry I love you.