She smells like rain on a warm summers day and she tastes like blackberries freshly picked off the bush.
When she laughs, it makes the humming birds sound like nails on a chalkboard and i know how cliche this all sounds but she walks like an angel and i cant help but notice her defined collarbones
She makes me want to write about butterfly's and flowers instead of cut wrists and veins.
I tell her I love her. She replies with a kiss never confessing her love but I say it anyways because her smile creates this feeling in me I haven't felt since childhood and she needs to know she is loved. when I feel her bones on my hips I cringe she's so thin.
This disorder, it's gotten hold of her. Bruised knuckles-never confessing the reason she shakes
Anorexia and bulimia-I know this disease too well. It's chronic, it's an illness, it's a suicide attempt. She doesn't know it's killing her-she refuses to accept that she has it. But at night- I can barley see a lump when she's underneath the covers.
When she dies,  her coffin will be so light people will check to make sure there's a body in it.
Her bones are sharp-like scissors. And I wonder, does she use them to cut? Do they tear her skin open? Is her elbow used to fresh air?
I hold her hands. They're so cold. How can a person live like this? If I could, I would force her to eat.
She hates the mirror. If I could, I would make her see a beautiful person looking back.

Chapter 1
Beeeep.
My mom checks her phone.
"I just took 37 pills and I'm afraid I'm going to die."

Chapter 2
Everyone always talks about how beautiful night is. In our poems we compare it to love. We compare it to eternity. We compare it to existence. But the darkness scares me. Nighttime terrifies me. I become so alone with my thoughts and there is no escape. I am completely alone. And when i'm alone i tend to do reckless things. My brain; so impulsive. I get drunk, I smoke ****, I have ***. I cut myself. I contemplate the bottle of pills under my bed.  I take the bottle of pills hidden under my bed. I don't cry; no-this isn't real yet. I don't shake. Steady hands. I forget about my family; I am not afraid of dying. Ten down. 27 to go. 16. 11. 8. 2.
I look up. I count to twenty. I feel sick. My sister, comes in. I cry- I cry so hard. I am going to die. I remember my family.
I am afraid.
So I text my mother. I refuse to face her-I won't face her. The shame, the guilt, the disappointment she will have. The anger.  She's going to be so angry.

Chapter 3
My dad storms in my room. So, so, angry. I cry-i'm scared. Not of  dying. I'm scared of my dad. Of my mother. Of their judgement. I walk into their bedroom. Nobody cries. I can feel the hostility. I can feel the anger. Why don't they love me?  "Attention seeker." They say. I cry. I hope I die. I shouldn't have said anything. I should have let them find me, shriveled up like a dried out flower- no pulse no pulse no breathing.
My mother takes me to the ER. My father stays home to sleep. My stomach feels like I have a cancer- a mold growing inside of me.
But I am afraid I will live.

she asks me if i'm there.
i respond with silence.
we're fighting. we're always fighting. about things like why you ignored my phone call or why you still talk to your ex or why you came home late
or why you looked at a different girl when i was standing right in front of you. or why you dont look at me anymore when you say you love me. or why, when i tell you my heart is breaking, you dont kiss me. you dont respond with a love song.

she asks me if im there
i respond, no.
she tells me she loves me.
she looks away.

Everyone talks about how the night is beautiful. In our poems, we compare it to love, we compare it to existence. We compare it to eternity.
But night, it's not beautiful
1. it's cracking under the pressure. You're gonna fail your exam, you're gonna let everyone down. Your thoughts turn grey-no one will love me, I'll never graduate, I'll turn to turning tricks for my income.
2.It's silent it's so ******* silent you can hear the voices whispering they tell you your not good enough. They tell you to drown yourself they tell you to drink the bleach, take the pills, make a noose, cut deep.
3. Remember the night the night you attempted to end your own life? And how your mother didn't even cry when you ended up in the hospital drinking charcoal to soak up her pills
It's so dark.
4. There are monsters that surround you,but your walls are made of mirrors. You're only fearing yourself.

Ignore them. Intruding thoughts come to you in the night, do not act on them. Push them away. Pretend you haven't thought them. Because they are just thoughts, they cannot ruin you. As long as you don't let them. Change your way of thinking and you can change your life. Don't let negative thoughts control you, learn to control them.

2. Eat. Eat regularly and eat well. When you've eaten too much do not force your fingers down your throat. Do not deprive yourself of the most basic survival need. Food is not going to **** you, but your eating disorder will. You are worthy. You are beautiful.

3. Learn to love yourself. Its all you can do in this world full of pain. You have this body for your whole life, you cannot be violating it with so much hate. I know how hard it is, but if you want to get by, this is the most important thing. You need to love yourself. Because you're worth it.

4. Enjoy the little things. Look at the flowers, drink coffee. Meditate. Breathe. Focus on your breathing, watch the stars. Remember where you came from.

5. Forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive others. Never hold a grudge because holding a grudge is like feeding yourself poison. Let go of the past, it's called the past for a reason.

6. Do not do drugs. They will ruin you. No matter what you feel, they will not solve it. They cannot save you. They will tear you apart from the inside out.

7. Find a hobby. Anything you enjoy doing. You deserve to have a safe release and escape from the world.

8. Let people in. You are not supposed to feel all this pain by yourself. You need to find somebody you can actually talk to, whether its a therapist or your mother. If you do not let people in you can never get better. You need help from outside sources, whether you want it or not.

9. Be good to your family. You never know when the last time you might be seeing them will be. They love you, treat them like you love them.

10. Play with animals. Animals can be so therapeutic. Get a cat.

11. Don't worry what others think about you. You cannot change their opinion. It doesn't matter what they think about you. All that matters is what you think of yourself.

she was like liquid fire
everything she touched would turn to ash
and she touched me, dear god
her hands were warm like summer
she smelled like cinnamon and
betrayal

it was a bright sunday afternoon
I had just bought flowers
for her to kiss
her breath was decaying them
the fire, burnt them into nothing but
a pile of red and purple ash;
a lot like my heart

her hair smelled like *** and
sweat; I lean in closer
but I was harmfully ignorant
and didn't see the signs
of my lover
slowly turning over
for another

This is a list of the times I allowed myself to collapse.
These are the reasons I tried to drown myself in a bathtub filled with thick crimson and cheap liquor.
This is my final suicide note.

1. Today in science class my teacher brought out the human skeleton and I wished it was me.
2. I've never drank whiskey, but when my blood turns to Bourbon, I need to open the bottle.
3. I cannot count the times I've created spines on the mirror. I need to kiss the white lines.
4. The cats are meowing, they're hungry. I am so focused on not feeding myself that I have forgotten to feed them.
5. I'm a lot like cigarettes. I light easily. Burn out quickly. Focused on destroying you-always destroying myself.
6. I've got poison in my veins-I unzip myself daily. When I kissed you- I infected you. We have poison in our veins. Addicted to destroying ourselves. The Devil will watch and be envious.
7. I am 17. I have attempted suicide too many times to count. Every time in a different way.
          a. cliche; slit my wrist open and let flowers spill.
          b. drowned myself in a handful of pills and a bottle of *****.
          c. hung myself with my bedsheet.
          d. decayed my stomach lining with bleach
          e. starved the ugly out of me-let my bony knuckles callus.  
This time I am going to fling myself from a building, call my friends, and hope they'll catch me.

Because I never truly wanted to die.
I want to be saved from myself. I want someone to zip me back up. I want to look at the sun and not think about burning. I want to be able to sit in a bathtub with clear water. I want to eat a candy bar, and not taste it twice. I want someone to look at me and see flowers-not blades.
I wish I had green thread to sew my veins back together. I wish I had a syringe, i'd **** the poison from my blood. I wish I knew what love felt like, maybe I could perfect the practice.

This is not a poem.
This is not written with the intent to explain myself because I don't know myself well enough to explain.
This is a suicide note.
This is my last suicide note.