As the birds chirp,
I think of you.
I think of you and how I wish you could hear them.
I wish that you could hear them and see them.
Feel the cold air on your face that is somehow warmer than yesterday.
The sun shines a beautiful glimmer today,
and the dark gloom of winter is melting away.
But all I can think is that I wish that you were stumbling out of bed in the morning
and hitting snooze just one more time so that you have enough energy for class.
I wish you were tired from all the work you were doing and not from sitting down all day.
I wish you had to run to your car cause you were so cold
or that you need to run in the house cause you stepped in a giant puddle.
But that you'd be somewhat okay cause that puddle means that the snow is melting and that spring is coming.
Spring means things will be fresh
and so will you.
You will be new.
And I cannot wait for the day
when we get to sit down,
under the sun,
and laugh
and have these days be just a memory.
For you will feel the sun on your skin,
and you will smell the freshly cut grass,
and our biggest problems will be what drink to have next
and that the sun is in our eyes.
But it will be okay,
because you'll be outside but we can go inside too.
and you'll be okay.

I sit here
and wish it wasn't true.
That this pain I'm feeling
wasn't because of you.

That I didn't put my hope into someone
who didn't feel the same.
That I didn't risk my heart,
but I guess I'm to blame.

It's something I should have seen from the very start,
that she will always have your heart.
It isn't something I could ever win,
I tried, and I hoped, but it's something that could never have been.

So this is it,
I can't stay anymore.
I can't even bring myself to say goodbye,
so I'll turn around, and look back quickly before I close the door.

Fear and panic sweep over me.
I need to move
but I'm paralyzed by my need for normalcy.
One pop of a pill and it will drift away,
and I will sleep.

But sleep is for the weak,
or is sleep for the week?
That's what my body
bounces back and forth between.
There is no middle.
No start.
Eventually an End.

The inner meaning of desire
bounces from my heart to my head,
as if it is the ball in a pin ball machine.
I try to fight off this anxious feeling,
though it is a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Why do I fight with the chemicals in my body?

I fight to feel normal.
I fight to not rely on a simple pop of a pill that my doctor gives me.
She tells me to take it when I need it, she trusts me.
Sometimes I feel that trust is too much.
Because this anxiety is a metaphor for life,
and I know that problems cannot be solved, by one simple solution.
I fight to be strong.

My heart feels light
and my head is clear
I can breathe.
My time is to focus on me.
Not you, not her, not us, not we, just me.
It may seem rude, or maybe selfish,
but I cannot care.

The sky seems blue
and my smile is bright.
Worry no longer plagues my heart.
Deep breaths.
In and out.
Out and in.
This is a time for me.

I must love myself with extraordinary passion before I push to love you.
My passion is extending for miles and the weight has been lifted.
I am free from all the shadows of the night
and all the aggressiveness that I would fight.

My smile is bright.
My heart is light.
The sky is blue.
My head is clear.
Solace engulfs my air.

This isn't easy for me ya kno',
the pain is still swelling I feel it EVERY day,
my heart feels so ******* low.
I didn't set off to have us end like this,
it wasn't my idea ya kno',
just sometimes things go amiss.
I think you sometimes see me as the devil,
that I only wish to cause you pain,
but I cannot be your crutch any longer,
it has just been too much of a strain.
I try to write and I just cannot.
So this is where it will end.
oh well.
goodbye, my friend