Jacqueline

Jacqueline Dec 2017

When I talk about my depression and anxiety
I pretend it’s not a part of me

There’s a person in my brain
Causing me to go insane

He makes me say mean things to myself
Placing my feelings in a box on the shelf

A box that I’m not allowed to touch
It’s filled with all the things I want so much

It’s filled with self love, faith, and hope
It’s taped up, wrapped up, and ******* with rope

The man inside my brain doesn’t have a name
Yet I’m so familiar with his wicked game

Sometimes he wins and I can’t get out of bed
Sometimes I win and I can rule my own head

Nobody understands and nobody will
I wish he didn’t exist still

my depression is always the worst at night. tonight is a night where I’m not winning

#sadness

Jacqueline Dec 2017

forever

this isn’t a poem
as much as it is a confession
everything about you makes my soul sing

but when the nights come
I can’t sleep

do I make you happy

I know you deserve better babe
but I’m too selfish to let you go
because I know once you’re gone

I’d leave this place too
without you I can’t hold myself up

and not in a pathetic romantic way

but in a you’re my best friend and I ******* need you
I can’t manage my mind on my own
you’re the only one that has stuck by me

and I get so scared
because sometimes I think

nobody else ever will

it’s 2 am, insomnia has taken its course again. my husband is my everything but I know he deserves better than me and my flaws. just a late night rambling

Dec 2017

hope

help

and even with my last breath
i'd scream your name,
even though i know
you'd never come back.

im too sad to even breathe right now

Jacqueline Oct 2017

Evangeline

This name fills me with so many emotions
Rage, sadness, regret

This name belongs to nobody I’ve met
This name belongs to someone so innocent

I don’t want to know you, Evangeline

I feel so ashamed that I hate you
I shouldn’t be so selfish

Yet he was mine and now he’s belongs to her
He doesn’t speak to me

Ithink of him so often

Does he remember?
When we first kissed

Telling me he loves me
Saying he will marry me

I hate the name of Evangeline
Because that name means something

It means that she exists
She, this little baby of his

The baby that will never be mine

Jacqueline Oct 2017

Texas

I still think of you
Our love seems so long ago
I can’t let you go, Jon

Jacqueline Oct 2017

Untitled

there he lay sleeping next to me
I still wonder, dream about what could’ve been

can’t go back
am I stuck? will I regret?

so hard to tell when he looks at me that way
I smile in the photos

because it’s the other I’m thinking of

Jacqueline Nov 2015

two souls complete my one

You bring light to my life and he brings laughter.
Your strength carried me on my darkest days and he pushed me to move forward.

Two lives woven into one thread, never crossing, never knowing.

I have two hearts now. My mind split in two directions.

You bring light. He brings laughter.
I can choose to live in darkness or I can choose to live in sadness.

Two monsters inside of me having two separate appetites.
Which do I feed?

For now, I silently throw scraps of myself behind the other's back.
My monsters don't know each other. They have never met.

My monsters love me, because I can't love myself.