I’m sitting here dazed and confused,
Rethinking my actions I took,
Why must I always lose,
When it comes to winning a look.

I spoke you mine heart,
Told you its temper,
But you see only a part,
Only just an ember,

Embers can burn like before,
Fires can too,
But a flame is much more,
Flame’s heat can warm you.

Embers come from fire,
Find the dancer’s source,
Lay your head for you tire,
And think of the lines I implore.

Stay warm, love.

Recorded words of times ago,
Recorded words that hurt,
I remember when we fell in love,
When it wasn’t just a flirt.

I remember every day,
Every word you said,
I remember every photo,
Especially that one in bed.

I don’t want to go back,
Nothing good comes from the past,
But if I had one wish,
It’d be that it wasn’t the past.

If I had three wishes,
I would wish for three things,
Your health,
Your heart,
Our life.

Call me Lucky.
It is my name.
It's how I see, breathe,
My life is full of it,
I can trust myself,
     The world.
It always resolves the storms around me,
It calms the waters of life,
It stops the bleeding,
      And while I'm healing in the recovery ward,
          It will even give me a sweet for my courage.
I am Lucky. I fear nothing,
     Because I know that I am made of steel,

I cannot repeat a pain as great I've felt.
     *So why fear.

I could love you if we tried,
I really think I could,
But I think right now,
I don't really think we should.

I'm trying not to,
I'm trying to ignore the urge to say I love you,

Less and less of it every day,
But those memories won't go away.

I thank god that you showed up,
I'm glad I found you with my luck,
And I'm glad we loved each other for a week,
But I'd really rather just remember that ****,

That night, those days,
My heartbeat and yours
No regret.
None.
And society will call me a *****
And I will laugh and say
"I loved her."
"I really did."
And it will not be a fib.

I turn my head left first,
Instead of right,
When I leave my apartment.

To see if you're there.

Sail the nebula above,
Perk your head slightly,
Highlight the light in your eyes,

Discard your box of fears,
Enlighten shadows,
Sit with me, just be mine,

Taste the air softly silent,
Turn over a new leaf,
Let me see you in new light,

I’m sick of these metaphors,
Stop playing this game,
Tired of writing these lines,

From the start,
I’ve scribbled so much,
Where’s the art?
Where’s your touch?

Obviously

You tell me you get so afraid,
I tell you not to worry,
But I’m shivering,

When you say these things,
They seem so innocent,
But I imagine the worst,

I fear the lines hidden behind your eyes,
Hundreds of miles away,
    So easy to trick.

Don’t hurt me.
You say you couldn’t,
But you did before,
I can’t help feeling helpless,
I can’t even save you.

Our sentimentality is a bandage,
But sometimes my blood is too much,
It leaks through the stitches,
Soaks the wound in red,
        I fear bleeding out.
And a whole lot more.

*Hold me.

My name in question.
My heartbeat not.
My hands unsure.
My body shivering.

Suddenly sobbing tear.
Just like that, pain.
Aching.
Wanting.
Remembrance.

- 11/18/13

No book,
No dream,
No painting,
No recording,
No monologue,
No sermon,
No text,
No sound,
No taste,
No light,
No color,
No person-

Could prepare me to meet the love of my life.

These long winter roads I roam.
Back and fourth searching for warmth
Sunset, orange, passion fruit, sugar.
The sky lights up baby blue and mango
As brightness hides.
The cold pinches my cheeks and soaks through my skinny jeans.
As the frozen air bites my lungs, cigarette smoke has never tasted sweeter.

The grass CRUNCHes as I walk, frozen, semi-permafrost tundra.
Frozen pumpkins on every porch,
Cobwebs and skeletons still hanging from gutters.
As I fumble for my keys with frostbitten hands, hard candy has never tasted sweeter.

It's black.
The frost on the ground reflects my headlights.
I'm carried by the flying creatures in my abdomen as I step out of my car.
Weightlessly and anxiously I walk on the styrofoam grass.
Concrete more solid and gray than any other day,
I'm standing on your porch.
My tight, constricted, dry winter skin almost splits my knuckles as I knock and I laugh because I hear you coming to answer and I know I should have used the doorbell.
I'm greeted with thunderously chilled eyes and a fox smile.
My pacemaker gives out and time seems to freeze.
Time returns again when I feel your arms around my neck,
Pulling my corpse inside, warm air has never tasted sweeter.

You sit me down, bring me a hot drink.
I sip and burn myself.
I laugh again, a booming laugh. I almost fall off the couch, why am I so happy.
I'm able to right myself back up, I didn't spill anything fortunately.
I look at you and my pacemaker gives out again.
I need to get this thing checked.
You come over to me, sit on my lap,
Whisper a sweet nothing in my ear, and as my hairs begin to stand from the crispness in your voice, you kiss me.
In this life, lips have never tasted sweeter.

**You
Taste
Sweeter.

She controls my brain
I control my brain
She controls my brain.
I fixate.

Greed, Creed, Esteem, Seeing,


Cast away,
I’m home to stay,
Complete again,
No feign,

No blood in my eyes,
No sweat on my back,
No hate in my eyes,
No more black,

Set free,
Using my wings,
I’m not blind,
Willing to see!

No more trying,
No more battle,
No more crying,
No chance of chapel,
    Thank god...

IT’S OVER

Everyone who was there to see,
Said you weren’t worth me,
Thanks for the times we had,
Some were hell but I hope they last,

Never gave you that rose,
Never fought your foes
We both paid,
And that’s okay.

Goodbye.

-May 30th 2013

I was falling asleep in class the other day,
And instead of jerking to catch myself from falling like our brains make us do,
I had a flashback to a time when Faith kissed me,
Her lips were below me and to my right.

Her favorite angle.
My favorite angel.

If I could dedicate a day to her,
It would be today.

Because tomorrow,
I can read this again.

"Are you Mormon?"
"Nope."
"Sweet."

This morning, joyful.
My subconscious, sleeping brain struck a good joke,
One so jolly I awoke.

My dreams are clean again.
No pain. ♥

Ironic I was begging a day ago,
Feeling the winds shift around,
But somehow I knew you’d show,
And attempt to dampen my sound,

I knew you’d uncover that husk,
I knew you’d sing some new lie.
Instead of prepping, I was having fun,
And when I read that line,
    I thought I’d die.

I thought you were gone months ago,
But I knew I was ******* wrong,
Somehow I knew the monster’d show,
And for some reason, I’m writing this song,

What makes you think you can barge in,
What makes you think I’ll even notice,
You should know when I spoke of skin and sin,
Your husk of black was not the focus,
    You’re so ferocious.

Comparing yourself to angels is low,
    Even for you,
Decomposing such beauty is low,
    Even for you,
And noticing my poem is low,
    Even for you,
But I’ll always stand tall when I’m low,
    Even when it’s against you...
CAUSE I’M STRONGER
    THAN THE OTHERS!
YOU WON’T BREAK ME,
    I CAN’T BLEED!
TURN AND WALK AWAY,
    WHY MUST YOU STAY?!
IT’S OVER CAN’T YOU SEE,
    LEAVE ME BE!

I Hope You Run With Scissors, I Hope You Stub Your Toes, I Hope You Spill Your Glass Of Milk.

-July 17th 2013

I’m singing this song,
Don’t know what to expect,
But the words, they keep flowing,
And the music, it keeps going,
And I reach my highs when I sing and think,
    of you,
And I reach my low when I say something,
    I really didn’t want to,


‘Cause I want you,
    So. ****. Bad.
I wanna live up to,
    Every expectation you have.
I wanna sing the problems in your life away,
I wanna make sure the notes I hit stay,


I want you to hear me say,
That every day,
    I need you,
And that way,
    You make me,
Makes the next day worth living.


‘Cause I want you,
    So. ****. Bad.
I wanna live up to,
    Every expectation you have.
I wanna sing the problems in your life away,
I wanna make sure the notes I hit stay,


'Cause every time I wake up,
    I smile,
And every breath I take up,
    Is great,
When I hear you say,
    “I love you,”
And the feeling you give me stays,
    It’s true.

-July 14th 2013 (Lol the sun is rising right now)

Porcelain eyes, when I see you,
I cry.
I fall over, and moan sorrow,
No closure.
-
Timber hair, when I see you,
It's not fair.
I clench my fists, want to scream,
Can't deal with this.
-
Lightning smile, when I see you,
I can't breathe for a while.
I pause, I giggle, I holler out loud,
Being with you tickles.

I could ruin her life.
I won't.
I could though.

When I was explaining how she knew I cut, I could have slipped a
          •Omitted due to some promise I made•
or a
          "Oh, and she has scars all over her body."

But I didn't.

I'll let her learn alone, the punishment for forcing me into health.

I remind myself of a dog chasing his tail,
In circles I spin again, not realizing,
When I sleep, when I wake, I see my tail
    And chase,
But the sweetest days,
The sweetest days are when I catch it.
-April 18th 2013

I cry now days.
I don't hold it back.
Anything that jerks my tears,
Successfully pull at least one.

Today I was scrolling,
My contact list, my connections.
I saw her name.
Her picture.
Her number.

I see it every day, almost.
I've never cried like this.

I love you so much it breaks my heart,
Every word you say gives me a start,

I’m terrified,
To clarify; I’m scared,
But, let’s not go there.

We have a future, that much is clear,
I think I know where to steer,
But, why here?

I want to run away.
Someday.

With you.

I want to be seen,
I want everybody and everyone
From miles between
To see
me.

I want to be spotted
I want the world to know
That inside,
I am Blotchy
and Rotted.

And I want to be kissed
and missed
But not much,
I want to make it on her list
of the ones shes
Kissed
and the ones
she wished
she'd kiss again.

A new thread is pulling at the smile in my heart,
A shell being cracked with new tools,
A prosperity of odd occurrence,
And I sail this sea with a mast I do not know,
A flag I’ve never seen,
and a bow I’ve never walked.

-June 13th 2013

I said it more last night than I've said it in ages,
Since I was truly in love.

I heard it more last night than I've heard it in ages,
Since she was truly in love.

My brain no longer thinks in poetic lines,
Nor my heart.

My heart thinks in colors and sounds,
My brain does too.

I think I'm nearing a hiatus.
And that's okay.

My eyes feel like acid,
Last night’s tears still hurt.

I will be waiting right here,
You know where to find me,
When you’re done with it all
Please come and see me.

So travel the world,
Sing them your songs,
Read them their cards,
Show them what they are not.

Cause it’s a special kind of hell with you gone,
And every day is worse,
And I keep remembering you sing that song,
Cause you said you’d do this,
It was like you knew it all along,
It was like having psychic powers...
    Oh right, you do.

So find a mentor,
Get shown the ropes,
To the secrets of your mind,
Cause I still support you so.

Cause it’s a special kind of hell with you gone,
And every day is worse,
And I keep remembering you sing that song,
Cause you said you’d do this,
It was like you knew it all along,
It was like having psychic powers...

(guitar solo)

I will always
    WAIT FOR YOU
I will always
    KNOW IT’S TRUE
I will always
    KNOW YOU KNEW-

So find some peace,
Find your zen,
Change the world,
Cause it sure can be cold.

She was the golden apple that I chose from a tree of hundreds, I washed her flesh, excited her senses, felt her wonder,
And never, Bit in.
I don't blame her for hating me.

Angels may cry,
Blues of love and devotion,
Gray and white sky,
Vows never broken,

Beautiful be with me,
Interlock fingers,
Be beautiful with me,
Interlock hearts.

-June 23rd 2013

Shatter my illusions,
Convince me that your body is that of a human,
     That no wings are upon you,
I will still call you an Angel.
I know you are more than a woman on this earth.

You are of God.

-1/10/14

Psychoactive,
More active than your passive hashtags
I'm acting like passion's lacking in these masses
No more than attractive caskets
Really just static traffic, molasses,
Fashion classes? You're wearing classic ashes.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
This *****.
Unstuck, this one's luck has run amok,
Adjust our distrust to highlight this unjustice.
I'm just one among us.

Us and them. Red and blue. White and black.
We're all dead, just lay me on the mat.
There's chitchat tryin' to get at where I'm at
And why I'm there.
It's riffraff.
I'm just kicking back.

"I want to cut my wrists."
That's how I know
I'm not okay.

I scream those words in my head
And then ignore them.
Daily.

When I think about it,
I can feel a sort of
Euphoria
On my left wrist.

I'm not proud of this in the least
In fact,
I hate it.

I hate how those scars
Keep showing up
And I hate how I want
More.

I hate it
I hate it
I hate it.

That night.
I was going to bleed again.
But I lost my needle.
It slid away.
I guess.

I need to get more.
And some black thread.
I only have beige.

I don't use knives.
I use the tips of very sharp things.
And I go down.
Not across.

I have a cross.
My two most prominent scars.
Faith first. Then myself.
Left. Then Down.

These cloudy nights I'm grateful
For how I cannot see you,
The way the water blocks your eyes
And makes my heart less see-through.

One year ago we made a choice
How fateful that weekend was,
By chance insomniatic texts
Lead to a night sin lust.

My car, coffee, a couch, so free,
I could spend days remembering,
My love for you had expanded
And beauty lead to simile.

"Your eyes are like the brightest stars."

And so began a life of soil
As I can only look down.
Not up, above, at those lights
For if I do I frown.

I recall your use of words
Beating around the bush,
Eventually you came to terms
And "I L you," came, pushed.

They say a prestige only works
If you can reappear.
I know you are not a magician
For nowhere are you near.

And since you left,
My heart feels cold
Whenever I look up.
I can't help but to wonder if
This will persist enough,
To drag onto my oldest days
How I had pushed my luck.

I remember when we met in person, like it was earlier
today.
I saw the car first, and new it was you, love.
Christ my heart was racing.
But ****, I was sure. I was so confident. Terrified.

I walked up to the back window you had rolled down.
Your hair was dyed black and shining, your skin wonderfully pale.
You were wearing teal. And you smiled.

"Hey" was all I needed to say.
I tried to pretend that I knew you really ******* well and that we were a normal couple.
It worked for a little bit.

That was a great day.

But only when you ask the right question,
Will I tell you the truth.

You say those words,
And I listen,
I wonder so many,
    If they are for me,
    If they are recent,
    If they are true.

And for some reason,
Contrary to my vows,
     *I trust you.

There's an echo that can be heard,
When the sun's blue sky is rising,
It most definitely sounds like a bird,
But what else you can hear is surprising.
Ears.

I hear a hum from a girl of long past,
Her perky lips saying there's flowers,
The air around her is sweet, her heart fast,
She admires the plants, they look like towers.
Child.

I hear a lover's tears as she hears her life end,
I can hear her texts back and fourth through the web,
She reads "No more, none of this, you aren't my girlfriend,"
So sad. Too bad. That's life. The flow and ebb.
Bliss.

I can hear a stomach growl and another missed a meal,
She never eats. When she does, it's reversed.
This secret of hers is dark and scattered, she may never heal,
I hear her fake the sounds of eating, I hear fake her thirst.
Hide.

I hear another poem written,
About someone who cuts,
She thinks it will help her fit in,
But she's only losing trust.
Red.

I hear a father sobbing upstairs,
His daughter has run away.
He knew she was having affairs,
He knew it would come to this day.
Behind.

I hear regrets being made,
I hear the lies they whisper,
I hear both of them say
Our love will never wither.
Liars.

I hear

We have invisible friends of
Pleasure and repetition
Of the things which nobody sees
But we still do.
The foot tapping
The circling of fingers on plastered walls
The counting of heartbeats while sitting.
The remembrance of bruises and scars
The regrets of actions long past
The desire to act on the current.
Oft do we ignore our natural state
Such attitudes are unhealthy to the mind
Feed your desires.

It feels like a hot iron,
Sitting
on the back of your hand.
Burning
away all the flesh.
Exposing
tendons and bones.

Blood. Burn.

"AH **** she's beautiful! My heart's going to explode!"

Body and soul.

In the tub
I'm bleeding.
My wrist is still open
And it won't stop if I keep submerging it in water.
I think that's what I want.

If I have less blood,
The NyQuil hits harder
If the blood thinners do their job
I won't clot
And I will die asleep.

That's the dream
Isn't it.

A uniformity in expectance,
A subconscious wait.
My mind knows it's coming
Like some kind of date.

Her words,
Be they good or bad,
Are expected,
If only a tad.

2 AM,
My body wakes
It's so ******* late
Will it come?

I wait.

The salty ocean air bit his ears.
The sea was angry.

I'm not like you.
Stay there.
Go away.

Silence.

He turned around and walked.
She would never let him truly kiss her.
But his lips had been all over that skin.

I'm done.
You won't let me in.

He felt something crack inside him.
Like a plank of wood shattering.
He felt the shrapnel.

*Medic...

There’s no place for you anymore,
No room to hide,
No remnants or reminders,

The hole you dug through my heart,
Has found something,
Far greater than before,

Catatonic when you left me,
Dead when I saw,
Destroyed for a time uncounted,

White rose of black, red, and blue,
Canvas of colors,
Paint me a new portrait of love.

-June 9th 2013

There's an ambient sound in the light of this sill, this wooden panel of glass and appreciation of architecture and planning and the lack thereof. There's a scent to the air which is like somebody wants to care, but just doesn't. A crow sits.

There are rusty tools in the shed and rotting wood on every building. Dead leaves on all grounds. Silent fires. Silent animals and corpses.
Silent golden jewelry sitting in a drawer, waiting for it's half life.

The man with blonde hair is new. So is his blood and sweat. Things are changing.
He's running for his life.