I still think it was a dream.
Convinced actually.

If it weren’t for the warm of her kiss,
Or the bumps on her belly,
And the shape of her face,
I’d still believe it was fake.

For days it seemed I stared,
And she let me.

I learned her, far better than ever before,
She is more.

She is both a dream and a reality,
An Angel and a human.

She exists,
You see.

There's a body on a table in a morgue.
That's all.

I was falling asleep in class the other day,
And instead of jerking to catch myself from falling like our brains make us do,
I had a flashback to a time when Faith kissed me,
Her lips were below me and to my right.

Her favorite angle.
My favorite angel.

A new thread is pulling at the smile in my heart,
A shell being cracked with new tools,
A prosperity of odd occurrence,
And I sail this sea with a mast I do not know,
A flag I’ve never seen,
and a bow I’ve never walked.

-June 13th 2013

This morning, joyful.
My subconscious, sleeping brain struck a good joke,
One so jolly I awoke.

My dreams are clean again.
No pain. ♥

I smile more.
I laugh heartily.
I kiss and love.
I don't obsess.
I don't harm.
I am fit.
Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.

I read.
I play.
I drive.
I am free.
I am Marshall.
And by God,
*This feels good.

Wake up.

Eyes jut open,
Laying on the hard wet sand of a beach,
Unbeautiful.

Gray.
Tan.
Cold.
The colors felt.

Change your ways.

Wake up warm.

Ahab was searching for a reason to live
Ahab was searching for his big win.

Ahab was searching and boy did he find
That finding is bad and now nothing is fine.

No book,
No dream,
No painting,
No recording,
No monologue,
No sermon,
No text,
No sound,
No taste,
No light,
No color,
No person-

Could prepare me to meet the love of my life.

Angels may cry,
Blues of love and devotion,
Gray and white sky,
Vows never broken,

Beautiful be with me,
Interlock fingers,
Be beautiful with me,
Interlock hearts.

-June 23rd 2013

Difficulties exist in my abilities to say no.
I do say no,
But not without effort.

I have a lack of restraint.
I am selfish.
I want affection.
I want lips.
And arms.
And eyes.

I want love,
I want lust,
I want want.

I want so many things.
I want the pieces missing from my soul
When she left me.

I remind myself of a dog chasing his tail,
In circles I spin again, not realizing,
When I sleep, when I wake, I see my tail
    And chase,
But the sweetest days,
The sweetest days are when I catch it.
-April 18th 2013

She was the golden apple that I chose from a tree of hundreds, I washed her flesh, excited her senses, felt her wonder,
And never, Bit in.
I don't blame her for hating me.

I love you so much it breaks my heart,
Every word you say gives me a start,

I’m terrified,
To clarify; I’m scared,
But, let’s not go there.

We have a future, that much is clear,
I think I know where to steer,
But, why here?

I want to run away.
Someday.

With you.

Shatter my illusions,
Convince me that your body is that of a human,
     That no wings are upon you,
I will still call you an Angel.
I know you are more than a woman on this earth.

You are of God.

-1/10/14

Greed, Creed, Esteem, Seeing,


Cast away,
I’m home to stay,
Complete again,
No feign,

No blood in my eyes,
No sweat on my back,
No hate in my eyes,
No more black,

Set free,
Using my wings,
I’m not blind,
Willing to see!

No more trying,
No more battle,
No more crying,
No chance of chapel,
    Thank god...

IT’S OVER

Everyone who was there to see,
Said you weren’t worth me,
Thanks for the times we had,
Some were hell but I hope they last,

Never gave you that rose,
Never fought your foes
We both paid,
And that’s okay.

Goodbye.

-May 30th 2013

Sometimes I want this candle to burn too quick
And ***** my flame.

That night.
I was going to bleed again.
But I lost my needle.
It slid away.
I guess.

I need to get more.
And some black thread.
I only have beige.

I don't use knives.
I use the tips of very sharp things.
And I go down.
Not across.

I have a cross.
My two most prominent scars.
Faith first. Then myself.
Left. Then Down.

I want to be seen,
I want everybody and everyone
From miles between
To see
me.

I want to be spotted
I want the world to know
That inside,
I am Blotchy
and Rotted.

And I want to be kissed
and missed
But not much,
I want to make it on her list
of the ones shes
Kissed
and the ones
she wished
she'd kiss again.

"I want to cut my wrists."
That's how I know
I'm not okay.

I scream those words in my head
And then ignore them.
Daily.

When I think about it,
I can feel a sort of
Euphoria
On my left wrist.

I'm not proud of this in the least
In fact,
I hate it.

I hate how those scars
Keep showing up
And I hate how I want
More.

I hate it
I hate it
I hate it.

They are yellow and green and orange
And they do not taste good
And they grow on vines,
Woman!
A gourd.
They are the colors of Autumn.
I want. A sweater. The color.
Of a.
GOURD.

I cry now days.
I don't hold it back.
Anything that jerks my tears,
Successfully pull at least one.

Today I was scrolling,
My contact list, my connections.
I saw her name.
Her picture.
Her number.

I see it every day, almost.
I've never cried like this.

I’m singing this song,
Don’t know what to expect,
But the words, they keep flowing,
And the music, it keeps going,
And I reach my highs when I sing and think,
    of you,
And I reach my low when I say something,
    I really didn’t want to,


‘Cause I want you,
    So. ****. Bad.
I wanna live up to,
    Every expectation you have.
I wanna sing the problems in your life away,
I wanna make sure the notes I hit stay,


I want you to hear me say,
That every day,
    I need you,
And that way,
    You make me,
Makes the next day worth living.


‘Cause I want you,
    So. ****. Bad.
I wanna live up to,
    Every expectation you have.
I wanna sing the problems in your life away,
I wanna make sure the notes I hit stay,


'Cause every time I wake up,
    I smile,
And every breath I take up,
    Is great,
When I hear you say,
    “I love you,”
And the feeling you give me stays,
    It’s true.

-July 14th 2013 (Lol the sun is rising right now)

Old memories
Of touch and feel
Of pick and peel
And pray and kneel.

Old sensations
Of you and me
Of us and we
And watch and see.

Dusty
     Old
          Memories.
Like classics
In a library.

Tucked away
For a later date.

Recorded words of times ago,
Recorded words that hurt,
I remember when we fell in love,
When it wasn’t just a flirt.

I remember every day,
Every word you said,
I remember every photo,
Especially that one in bed.

I don’t want to go back,
Nothing good comes from the past,
But if I had one wish,
It’d be that it wasn’t the past.

If I had three wishes,
I would wish for three things,
Your health,
Your heart,
Our life.

We have invisible friends of
Pleasure and repetition
Of the things which nobody sees
But we still do.
The foot tapping
The circling of fingers on plastered walls
The counting of heartbeats while sitting.
The remembrance of bruises and scars
The regrets of actions long past
The desire to act on the current.
Oft do we ignore our natural state
Such attitudes are unhealthy to the mind
Feed your desires.

"AH **** she's beautiful! My heart's going to explode!"

I have stains of blood,
Everywhere.
I crave hugs,
Everywhere.
This is not cheesy,
at all.
Today was really breezy,
It was cold.

Hey look,

My eyes feel like acid,
Last night’s tears still hurt.

My soul must be willess, it hurts so great,
All thoughts dedicated to an angel,
Beautiful skin, her smile to lift all weight,
Our meet, unexpected, great change befell,
Cherub, your world disguise fools all but me,
I know of those feathers beneath your veil,
You, mi amor, cause my being such glee,
But my soul will be lost if I fail,
I will spiral into a land of pain,
Graveyard, abyss, helpless without escape,
Only one light could save me, life so mundane,
Your smile, your voice, your touch, are my escape,
But now I am trapped here, this endless drift.
Every day worse than the last, no gift.
-February 2013

If I could dedicate a day to her,
It would be today.

Because tomorrow,
I can read this again.

In the tub
I'm bleeding.
My wrist is still open
And it won't stop if I keep submerging it in water.
I think that's what I want.

If I have less blood,
The NyQuil hits harder
If the blood thinners do their job
I won't clot
And I will die asleep.

That's the dream
Isn't it.

I often feel my veins and arteries,
I trace their existence, their depth.
Blue and red.
Red's unseen.

I think about what it would be like to
hook
           a knife underneat the vein,
                             and
Yank! Just Rip!

How long would it take for me to bleed out?
Would I?
Which should I choose for the fastest, most accurate death.

I hate death. Life is too precious.
I love living.

Veins are cool.

The day I start my diet
Is the day she leaves me;
    When I have to eat and drink
    To keep breathing.

The day I start dying
Is the day she leaves me;
    When dying is halted
    To breathe and sleep.

The day I start crying
Is the day she leaves me;
    When she chose her mind
    Above her heart,
    Unlike at the start
    When she chose me above her being.
    And her mind was just seeing
    How easily it is to follow her heart.

My brain no longer thinks in poetic lines,
Nor my heart.

My heart thinks in colors and sounds,
My brain does too.

I think I'm nearing a hiatus.
And that's okay.

I said it more last night than I've said it in ages,
Since I was truly in love.

I heard it more last night than I've heard it in ages,
Since she was truly in love.

Save yourself
Then come for me.

I'd tell you the wishes I made months ago,
but I still want them to come true.
Cause I wished for many things,
and I especially wished for you.

And I believe you're right about living,
cause you always know what I'm thinking.
And I believe I was right about your ocean,
cause I can stand without sinking.

I am the sailor not so alone,
and one day I will sail.
And we will be not so alone,
because you will have worn a veil.

I could ruin her life.
I won't.
I could though.

When I was explaining how she knew I cut, I could have slipped a
          •Omitted due to some promise I made•
or a
          "Oh, and she has scars all over her body."

But I didn't.

I'll let her learn alone, the punishment for forcing me into health.

I remember when we met in person, like it was earlier
today.
I saw the car first, and new it was you, love.
Christ my heart was racing.
But ****, I was sure. I was so confident. Terrified.

I walked up to the back window you had rolled down.
Your hair was dyed black and shining, your skin wonderfully pale.
You were wearing teal. And you smiled.

"Hey" was all I needed to say.
I tried to pretend that I knew you really ******* well and that we were a normal couple.
It worked for a little bit.

That was a great day.

Psychoactive,
More active than your passive hashtags
I'm acting like passion's lacking in these masses
No more than attractive caskets
Really just static traffic, molasses,
Fashion classes? You're wearing classic ashes.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
This *****.
Unstuck, this one's luck has run amok,
Adjust our distrust to highlight this unjustice.
I'm just one among us.

Us and them. Red and blue. White and black.
We're all dead, just lay me on the mat.
There's chitchat tryin' to get at where I'm at
And why I'm there.
It's riffraff.
I'm just kicking back.

These long winter roads I roam.
Back and fourth searching for warmth
Sunset, orange, passion fruit, sugar.
The sky lights up baby blue and mango
As brightness hides.
The cold pinches my cheeks and soaks through my skinny jeans.
As the frozen air bites my lungs, cigarette smoke has never tasted sweeter.

The grass CRUNCHes as I walk, frozen, semi-permafrost tundra.
Frozen pumpkins on every porch,
Cobwebs and skeletons still hanging from gutters.
As I fumble for my keys with frostbitten hands, hard candy has never tasted sweeter.

It's black.
The frost on the ground reflects my headlights.
I'm carried by the flying creatures in my abdomen as I step out of my car.
Weightlessly and anxiously I walk on the styrofoam grass.
Concrete more solid and gray than any other day,
I'm standing on your porch.
My tight, constricted, dry winter skin almost splits my knuckles as I knock and I laugh because I hear you coming to answer and I know I should have used the doorbell.
I'm greeted with thunderously chilled eyes and a fox smile.
My pacemaker gives out and time seems to freeze.
Time returns again when I feel your arms around my neck,
Pulling my corpse inside, warm air has never tasted sweeter.

You sit me down, bring me a hot drink.
I sip and burn myself.
I laugh again, a booming laugh. I almost fall off the couch, why am I so happy.
I'm able to right myself back up, I didn't spill anything fortunately.
I look at you and my pacemaker gives out again.
I need to get this thing checked.
You come over to me, sit on my lap,
Whisper a sweet nothing in my ear, and as my hairs begin to stand from the crispness in your voice, you kiss me.
In this life, lips have never tasted sweeter.

**You
Taste
Sweeter.

*** is not sleep.
But I fear for me, it is.

My mind is backwards, my dreams are haunting,
My eyes hurt, my future daunting.

I’m scared, because for the first time,
              In many nights.
*I have no one.

Body and soul.

There's an ambient sound in the light of this sill, this wooden panel of glass and appreciation of architecture and planning and the lack thereof. There's a scent to the air which is like somebody wants to care, but just doesn't. A crow sits.

There are rusty tools in the shed and rotting wood on every building. Dead leaves on all grounds. Silent fires. Silent animals and corpses.
Silent golden jewelry sitting in a drawer, waiting for it's half life.

The man with blonde hair is new. So is his blood and sweat. Things are changing.
He's running for his life.

There's a virus in this school called hatred,
It finds your happiness and takes it.
It writhes in your pocket,
Sounds much like gossip,
And leaves your heart bare and naked.

Like charcoal to a vermillion rose,
Like smearing the perfect mirror,
Like a fire to an evergreen forest,

I made a mistake.

And every time I breathe I regret every single word I said,
And every time I see I can’t forget those words I said,
And every time I breathe I regret every single word I said,

I made a mistake.

Like taking a life, I took some some of her pride,
Like telling a lie, I told her something I didn't mind,
Like turning back time, I committed the worst kind of crime,

I made a mistake.

Oh hey there honey won’t you see me on my knees,
Oh hey there sweetie can’t you see me pleading,
Oh hey there lovely I love ya so **** much,

I made a mistake,
And every second since then,
I felt regret.

-July 14th 2013

I will be waiting right here,
You know where to find me,
When you’re done with it all
Please come and see me.

So travel the world,
Sing them your songs,
Read them their cards,
Show them what they are not.

Cause it’s a special kind of hell with you gone,
And every day is worse,
And I keep remembering you sing that song,
Cause you said you’d do this,
It was like you knew it all along,
It was like having psychic powers...
    Oh right, you do.

So find a mentor,
Get shown the ropes,
To the secrets of your mind,
Cause I still support you so.

Cause it’s a special kind of hell with you gone,
And every day is worse,
And I keep remembering you sing that song,
Cause you said you’d do this,
It was like you knew it all along,
It was like having psychic powers...

(guitar solo)

I will always
    WAIT FOR YOU
I will always
    KNOW IT’S TRUE
I will always
    KNOW YOU KNEW-

So find some peace,
Find your zen,
Change the world,
Cause it sure can be cold.

Rain doesn’t only fall from the sky,
Somehow, it comes out our eyes.

But only when you ask the right question,
Will I tell you the truth.