It's because my head is messed up.

I'm sorry if I'm not willing to just tell you that I think about ******* suicide every ******* day and I hate every ******* person in our school and I want to sleep through all of my class periods and that the other night I was on that road by the refinery going 75 in a 30 mph zone and I thought about just turning the car into a wall.

I'm sorry that I have to talk to 21 a year old clerk I barely know to regain my sanity and not break down and just run away to Idaho.

Jami is my golden thread, and my only thread. I am hanging on by a golden thread.

Three tons of weight just, dangling.


Help me by not helping me. Only one person can help me.

Nobody helped me when I was struggling with suicide years ago. I helped myself. That's who I am. A self helper. I need to be alone to become Marshall again.

Eternally watching,
Always writing, noting,
Never speaking,
Never gloating.

I see you there,
All many of you,
I see you continuing,
Through and through.

Mine eyes are tools,
Tools of trade,
They help me work, love, and breath,
Find my way.

And match it to yours.

Madness.
Belligerent.
Furious.
Enraged.
Dangerous.

I am angry.
Do not make me angry if you value our friendship.
Do not dangle the treads I cherish more deeply than your soul above a flame.
If they break, so will you. I will see to it.

Do not threaten my safety.

"You know I really want my child to-"

My face turned red. I stopped breathing. My heart skipped two beats.

"Oh."

Porcelain eyes, when I see you,
I cry.
I fall over, and moan sorrow,
No closure.
-
Timber hair, when I see you,
It's not fair.
I clench my fists, want to scream,
Can't deal with this.
-
Lightning smile, when I see you,
I can't breathe for a while.
I pause, I giggle, I holler out loud,
Being with you tickles.

Time washing away
The cuts

In your arms.
My breath

Weakens
At home.

Hear the doors
So far... Open

So much peace it seems
Safe.

Be.
Cause you won’t bleed

Under my wing.
You won’t cry

So long as I can see.
Don’t fear,

I’ve got you dear.
Or at least trying,
Not crying.

Immutable.

It means unchanging, unchanged, unchangable.

"  I CANNOT BE BROKEN
   I WILL NOT CRY
   I WILL NOT SUCCUMB
   I WILL NOT BE A PUPPET,
                                A PROJECT
                 FOR YOU."

It is the word for the strong, and for the stubborn.


Change, but never change. Remember.

“She brought me a bear,
It told me life was special,
You brought me a note,
It told me I was special.”

Beautiful brown eyes,
Beautiful brown hair,
Beautiful smile to match.

Beautiful pink lips,
Beautiful singing voice,
Beautiful soul to match.

"I love you."
"Thanks."
"I care about you."
"Thanks."
"I want to let you know I try my hardest not to hurt you but still keep us good."
"Thanks."*

Fine. Well enough alone, I see.

Is it a sin to know beauty comes in more than one form?
Is it wrong to notice when a gleam is red not blue and gold?
Is it such a challenge to escape the **** lore
Is it too much you just lay down your cards and fold?

Cause it’s not for me,
Everyone knows,
Especially she,
How my heart goes.

5w

It’s only two eyes and two lips,
    I tell myself.
She’s part of your past, stop worrying,
    I lie.
Look the other way and it won’t hurt,*
    Ouch.

I’m sitting here dazed and confused,
Rethinking my actions I took,
Why must I always lose,
When it comes to winning a look.

I spoke you mine heart,
Told you its temper,
But you see only a part,
Only just an ember,

Embers can burn like before,
Fires can too,
But a flame is much more,
Flame’s heat can warm you.

Embers come from fire,
Find the dancer’s source,
Lay your head for you tire,
And think of the lines I implore.

Stay warm, love.

I just want to be locked in a cave,
And make it all go away!
I don’t want to be me,
I just want to be you and me!

I want to pass away all these days all these years-
I want to be able to
            TASTE YOUR TEARS!!
    *Give me your fear.

That first day,
Seeing you so short,
Thinking you two years younger,
But your heart was infinite.

Your selfless smile,
Smiling voice,
And smiling soul are so,
Soft.

You deserve far more
Than the world gives,
So you take your joy,
In giving back to all.

You’re in safe arms.

I love you, Sam. I hope you’re okay.

Two frostbitten eyes at the end of my summer time,
They are not cold,
But I remember a time when they were far warmer.

Forever blue, but always selfless,
Never empty, but sometimes they bleed
me.

Her two frostbitten eyes were all I saw,
And they did freeze.

“Would you like some more Love, sir?”
“Yes please.”
Like water her words restore the flower’s hue to the best blue.

“The rose petals reminds me of your lips, Madam.-
    So, soft.”

*She blushed.

Amor,
Affection,
Beautiful,
Body,
Contours,
Curves,
Devilish,
Del­ightful,
Enormous
Epiphanies,
☺☺☺☺
Feel,
Gratitude,
Great,
Home,
­Hot,
Illumination,
Idolism,
Jealous,
Jiggly :),
Kind,
Kisses,
Lovely,
Laborless,
Me,
Moving,
Night,
New,
Over­,
Opulence,
Pretty,
Precious,
Queen,
Quirk,
Revel,
Repeat,
Sensit­ive,
Succubus,
Ticklish,
Time,
Under,
Undressed,
View,
Veins,
Won­derful,
Winter,
X is a bad letter,
Yonder,
You,
Zealous,
Zippers.

Light is love,
Love is light,
I need both,
In the night.

You are love,
You are light,
You take away,
All my fright.

Fortunately

Dreaming away my days and nights,
You’re always in sight,
The prospect of you drives me,
No other place I’d rather be.

Craving like no other,
Necessity within me,
Needing you so much,
I can barely see.

Your light is bright,
Guiding me gently,
Through the waters in life,
Through this great sea.

And when my oceans are blue,
I have one levity, you.

***
+
Tyrannosaurus Rex

So gouge out my eyes and call me blind,
Paint my eyes black and call my words flat,

I am the captain of my life!
I am the ocean and the tide,
I am the boat beneath my feet,
So come sail with me,
        SAIL THIS SEA!

So grind!
     down my fingers and tell me
           to climb!
I will fly!
     so far away from your lies,
           NO TIME!

Don’t tell me that life is black and white,
Cause I’ve see the reds and blues so bright,
Don’t tell me I have to stay here,
‘Cause there’s so much I fear,
        COME WITH ME DEAR,

I am the master of my soul,
I fly my colors whole,
I am not afraid to see what’s next,
The future is so complex,
    But your eyes are still my objects
                    *of desire.

No book,
No dream,
No painting,
No recording,
No monologue,
No sermon,
No text,
No sound,
No taste,
No light,
No color,
No person-

Could prepare me to meet the love of my life.

You tell me you get so afraid,
I tell you not to worry,
But I’m shivering,

When you say these things,
They seem so innocent,
But I imagine the worst,

I fear the lines hidden behind your eyes,
Hundreds of miles away,
    So easy to trick.

Don’t hurt me.
You say you couldn’t,
But you did before,
I can’t help feeling helpless,
I can’t even save you.

Our sentimentality is a bandage,
But sometimes my blood is too much,
It leaks through the stitches,
Soaks the wound in red,
        I fear bleeding out.
And a whole lot more.

*Hold me.

My stomach growls out loud,
But my heart moans silent.

It’s new to not be hurt,
Your hand in mine,
        My hair in the way of our kisses,
I want to be free finally,
Rid of this world I hate deeply,
Feeling you is like feeling peace.

Necessity of you gets the best of me,
And that’s really all I need.

No shadow could be taller than a soul,
For souls can not be measured
    Only felt.

No person could outweigh a record,
But your soul could outmatch
    The Sun.

For the Sun’s light is dark compared,
To the glow from your skin.
    Marry me.

    You are my only warmth for winter.

After the morning dew melts,
You can find me,
I will be outside
My local Library.

Inside are more than books,
Recordings and tapes,
Inside you’ll find Captain Hook,
Earthquakes that shook, and probably a Rook.

The pages are black
And white,
But the stories can easily make us
Cry.

Go.
Read just one,
A dozen more,
Who knows.

But read,
Because reading opens doors.

If I found it was all a lie,
*I would die.

Lie down your head soft angel,
Close your lightning eyes,
Rest all of your thoughts,
Ignore all of the lies,

Drift into the world of dreams,
Drift into the realm of seeing,
Tis only there I can hold you,
The only time you can feel me.

Seeing you sleeping has worth,
Like watching a kisser’s first,
Or seeing a burning star fly,
So quickly and sharply across the sky.

Love tastes like the ice on a comet.

It’ll be a miracle when we can finally,
Be.
It’ll be a miracle if the world can finally,
See.

Breathe...
Why did you leave?

Spending nights alone in my bed,
Letting the monsters run around my head,
I can’t regret how much I spent,
I won’t take back how much I said,

You’re perfect to me...
Why did you leave?

I lost you like a bead from a bag,
Every word I mumbled just felt gagged,
Every night was just plain bad,
Everything I ate made me feel fat,

But you’re back,
And for that,

*I’m grateful.

*******
Arsonist
Regrettable
Stupid
Horrible
Arrogant
Loser
Lia­r

Manly
All-knowing
Right
****
Handy
Awesome
Likable
Level-heade­d

My existence is slowly being defined,
The lines being drawn,
    Filled in with the deepest colors
                of love.
My existence is quickly being recognized
By a being of lightning eyes,
    A joyous smile to melt the glaciers
                within me.
My existence is rather simple actually,
Quite plainly read,
    Plain to see that I am completely
                for you.

Forbade from view, the bluebird sits silent,
And writes to her love, an undeserving kingfisher,
The playful and ignorant fisher, too quick,
Insults and praises to the bluest of birds,
    Dedicating his faithless being to his love,
        Like tipping the Styx ferry in pyrite,
                    He does not know.
He’s never lied, but his truth is faded.
Faithful to him she is, and he her,
        Though unsure of his faith,
        El Rey is in pain.

Falling asleep to your face a thousand miles away,
The only greater I could pray
    Is to have your face
    For more than just a day.

“I’ve heard it.”


I know.
I did not tell you to simply be discarded,
    By your precedence.
Listen to the tune I sing, scream and Love
        only slightly less than you.

Like metal is malleable,
            So are the seasons,
Heating, Bending, Contracting,
            So consistently.
    But my heart is not a four season.
It stays         summer        for you.

If music be the food of love,
                My ears are never hungry.

Every knight deserves a sword,
    Every pen a paper,
Every mouth deserves an ear,
    Every painter some paint,
Every lover a love,
        But I
            deserve you.

Joy beyond belief,
    Angelic in every trait,
        More than I could ever hope,
            Imagining life without you hurts.

You make me feel like
     If I just disappeared tomorrow,
     Somebody would come looking.

Caught in a sand storm,
Trying to breath in the harsh air,
My lungs meet grit,
I cough, I bleed, I gasp.

*Air.

Thank you,
Your heart is so kind,
Forgiving,

You are warmth.
You are joy.

Don’t make permanent decisions
            Based on temporary emotions.

Wise words for a human.




I live by a creed:

Do unto others as you would like done unto you,
What goes around comes around,
Always tell your loved ones that you do, indeed, love them every time you say goodbye,
        For you may never see them again,
Hate and be hated,
Think good thoughts;
        Good things happen.
*
My life is safe. Things are well. But I am afraid of the dark,
            It always seems to engulf the light.

For leagues I’ve sailed
This sea for a home,
A lighthouse to call safe,
    A bay to rest my bow.

Settle down, build a house,
Start a family, or at least try.

The waters from my departure
Have been treacherous,
No wave trusted,
    But I’ve found you.

For leagues I’ve sailed
Looking for your light.

The summer air is cooling gradually,
The peaches are off their trees,
The leaves are preparing for autumn,
But it’s still only you I see.

And winter will gladly come,
We will be in school all day long,
I will spend the hours dreaming
Writing and singing your song.

Remember when you stopped,
So suddenly where we were,
You kissed me,
        I smiled,
I had a disease and you’re my cure,

Thank you, Beau.

Joyous smile,
Lightning eyes,
Comfortable hands,
A neck so inviting.

Rebel haired woman. I love you.