i know there's not much to it,
we grow we age we die
20 feels like a ton at 3am.
I suppose I'll have coffee in the morning
perhaps put a needle through the eyelid
(stick it to the brow, hopefully i won't raise them much)

i can feel d i s t a n c e
it's an ache in my bones,
creaking doorways,
noisy joints. stinging knees and ribs every door frame and welcome mat
i don't know what i want except a certain proximity

i don't think i know who i am anymore.
i know what i do
stuff i like
but *******
i s  t h i s  m y  b o d y ?
my fingers are just some girl's fingers
my brain just a brain
forcing me through the actions.
where'd my mind go?
am i finally boring?
does boring mean i can rest in peace,
or is this the beginning of a long cycle of discovery where I go back and forth of growing out of myself and fitting back into my skin ?

fingernails primarily used to pick at ourselves
peel my lip off
bare my teeth
dig out each eye ball and desperately try stuffing each into an ear so i can maybe find out what my thoughts are in there.
open your legs and claw nothing
it's an entire gender of genocide, your genitals need no more claws

there's a lot to the body of a poem,
i don't know.
sometimes i think a whole book of short sentences and 'enter,'
a whole book that reminds me of my early high school stream-of-thought poems,
shouldn't be acclaimed as great poetry on a shelf in barnes and noble.
but at the same time, I think you could leave a pile of feces to bake in the sun on the sidewalk,
3 people step in it by accident in a day,
and that is still life's finest example of poetry.
I've never really claimed to write poetry
but
there's a lot to the body of a poem,
each curve, each cellulite clump,
each real and exposed part of a poem
close up in a mirror type of exposed,
naked in front of your love for the first time type of exposed,
those are deserving...
but so are life's poems,
which is a lot like **** on the sidewalk.

I think I write both, and I suppose I like both and I know I am both.

light forms from fixtures in the empty parts kept deepest within us.
(i think we're afraid to share,
scared of growing dull if we give too much of ourselves away)
i have just a bulb in me,
the type of light that shines in a basement (kept tidy, though).
i don't prefer lamp shades or light covers
i thought it'd be beneficial to show my light off,
to project
to present how bright it is in there.
a whole life of keeping my bulb uncovered in a world kept hidden deep in their own chests
has left me little
by little
less bright.

who's to blame, really.
and who's smarter for it

the last time i saw you it had been a couple of years
it was night time and the moon was clear
everything was glistening with fresh snow
you brought my younger half sister and brother
we were all visiting in the house decorated for christmas day
suddenly you said you needed to go outside
and i really didn't know why you wanted to go outside
i sat there and i felt pretty awkward
not knowing if it would be okay to follow you
i finally went outside and kind of hurried because i didn't put on a coat
i noticed you were in your car and went over there to open the door
as soon as i did a bunch of cigarette smoke came out of the car
i immediately was taken back to a time when i was younger and it was summer
you had come to visit again and i caught you smoking a cigarette by my parents garage
i playfully yelled that i caught you
but now it was cold and i was confused
most of all i didn't want you to be uncomfortable or sad
i hopped in and  now i don't remember what i said, but
i remember your hair so wild and your hands
your thumbs were kind of stubby and your hands were strong
i remember feeling like i was the reason you were sad
you put out your cigarette and you were shaking so bad
i didn't know why you were shaking because it was actually pretty warm in the car
looking back i realize you were experiencing withdrawals
and i hugged you
we hugged for a long time and i'm blessed to still know what it felt like in that moment
i'll never forget how your hair smelled like japanese cherry blossoms
and how our hearts were right next to each other and beating in unison
i always knew you were my mother
knew i was your angel of which you reminded me so often
and knew i would always be connected to you
but i realized that we were the same
all the things that separated us didn't make us any different
to love you is to love myself and all my demons
to have been your angel is a forever calling
i am your angel
at your side
even when it's heaven you lie
forever your daughter
forever my mother
you are the blossoms
when i start to wither
thank you for giving me life
and thank you for love unconditional
thank you for memories of roses and tapes
dancing and clotheslines and bruises and scrapes
and for showing me that imperfection is a blessing
we are human and shouldn't get lost in reason
you were a dreamer and now are forever in the skies
it seems so fitting
you had the stars in your eyes
mother i love you
never goodbye
only i love you's
and sweet lullabies

2016 is coming to its end.
If someone ask me about my achievement this year,
I will tell them, how this year taught me a lot.

I broke up with my 2-year-boyfriend.
I fell for someone who had the idea of the perfect boyfriend, but sadly I cannot fall for him completely.
And finally, I realized that I fell for my best friend.

This year taught me not only how I jump into people's hearts.
But, it taught me about finding and losing people.

It's funny when I first try to move on from my ex,
And God give me that Taurian, who perfectly describes the guy of my dream.
But, I could never fall in love with him.
So I walked away.

That regret came to my mind.
Maybe I could just try to fall for him.

But, nahhh.
Love is not something to learn about.
It's a feeling. And your heart would know when it comes to "the one".

In the late July, I realized that I fell for my bestfriend.
I thought it's only a crush or something temporary.
But, finally I realized, it's him.

For once in my life, I could finally be sure of someone.
I'm no longer hestitate things, I do believe that the one exists.
It's funny how all the pain just instantly erased from my mind and my heart.
And I just fall for him.

I never thought that I would have this sweetest guy,
I never thought that we could be together right now.

What I learned from this year is,
I believe good things really take time.
I believe for everything bad that could possibly happen in your life, something good will eventually come to you.
I learned to give myself a break, and take time to figure things out by myself.
What I want and what I need in life.
I learned that not everything you captured perfect in your mind will always be the one that you want and need.
Maybe it's just not it.
I learned not to lower my standards, or my tolerancy,
I learned to respect and value myself more.
I learned, someone that is all I ever wanted is really do exist.
I learned everything is possible.

*My dreams is no longer about freedom or travelling the world, I dream about home. About him.