Just to get it out your head, mind, soul
Shut-outs from the others world

Here you are
Sharing your life with another
It's such a farce

The outer world looks on
Sees nothing strange
Behind closed doors
There are so many frames

Shut -outs from basic needs
No conversations
No pillow talks
Blocked from Facebook
No gaming instincts

Fingerprint lock on cell phones, password unhacked to computers and laptops
Car trunk untapped

Work off limits
New found family and friends
Blinded by wants and selfish desires

Why?
Why do we females take it all
Years of living behind these walls

Shut-outs ?!

Finally
With lots of soul searching, heartaches
No loving arms

It's time to move on

JRAP 11/2018

Thanks to Hello Poetry for the recognition of the Daily for Mid-age Graduate.
Thanks for all the support from fellow poets .
JRap.

It's a natural phenomenon
That all or most of us girls, whether
you have big ones or you're from the iddy biddy ***** committee -
Have confidence issues
About the size of them bras

We grow up looking at all the beauty and perfection in the magazines
Those shiny,  glossy pages of materialistic vanity

Thinking ...
I wish that was me !

Beauty, is in the eyes of the beholder
Yet, we shrivel up with fear when
It's time to be with another

Thinking they're wishing the size
of them bras was BIG
As a ripe yellow Cantaloupe! :)
You lose your confidence even if
It's not true

Our men can't help themselves
Cheating roaming eyes, as they scan those surgically implanted
Plastic fantasies
Rise and heave !

Forgetting what a real woman looks like
They fall for the ones with a huge
Chest on the outer crest

They're glorious! !
But underneath -
They have confidence issues too
That's why the knife was their
Best bet

Jrap/2016

Thousands of us were displaced
Started careers late
Not lucky enough to have had great jobs

So we work hard
Put ourselves through night school
While taking care of family

Finally ...
Yes, yeah,  whoopee
Did it !
Once again completed school

Another certificate added to the growing list of achievements.
More bills owed to uncle Sam

Going on numerous job interviews
No one's responding
Instead ...
All this knowledge stored in your head

Current jobs pays minimum wages
Those colleges attended; mounting

When you try to get ahead  -
They hold on to their employments
As if,
It's Rocket science

Looking for younger, greener admits

Once AARP comes a knocking on
Your door
You know they don't want your
Expertise anymore

What's one to do
Still strong, healthy, seasoned
Educated, no strings to boot

Hopelessly stuck in a world of
"We will call you "

So at the tender age of fifty
Thoughts of starting your own business floats in your head

Right
Now, back to school
For another certificate
A chance to use that knowledge
Put bread on the table
Feel useful

Quality of life renewed.

JRap /2016

Hmm,
At first sight
I like ...
Our eyes met, we smiled
The feeling is mutual
I can tell

Didn't think it possible but
It happened
Just like that!
I'm hooked
My summer crush

I looked up
A hand came in view
It was him, looking straight in my eyes

I melted on the spot
Took his hand and squeezed
The cougar in me purred with delight

Ahh, it's real
Mon cheri - those eyes
Always roaming to find the other
Hoping no one notices

It's a mutual thing
To just be friends
Not to harm or offend

Feels good
We smile, secretively
Like old friends

Summer crush
Like ice
Sizzling hot
Hush ...
I don't even know his name

Copyright JRap /7/2016

It's like a really good movie
Makes you squeeze your pillow
Hide under the sheets
SCREAM and YELL at it !
Curse at some of the contents
Laugh out loud;
Tear up
Let out a sigh of relief when you finish reading ...
because
You forgot to breathe at the ******

Copyright 4/29/16
JRAP

Trinidad and Tobagonians
Haitians
Egyptians

Mexicans
English
Liechtensteins
T­urkish
Italians
Norwegians
Germans

Portuguese
Omanians
Tromelin Islanders

Orcas Islanders
French

African-Americans
Maldives
Ecuadorians
Romanian­s
Ice Landers
Chinese
Argentinas

Struggling
To stay afloat
Amongst all the bills, needs
And wants of the family

Juggling
Two, three jobs
Still not enough
As the pays *****

Haggling
At the shops
Wal-Mart and gas

Wandering
If I will be called
For any interviews had

Borrowing
Cash like mad
To keep above
LORD !

Hope floats
As tax season draws near
Only to cover my tracks
And start this vicious
Life_cycle back

and I know he'll be the choice for me, at least I'll  have a life
and he'll always get the best of me, the worst will never come
but at least I'll be beautiful and stay forever blessed
this i know, this i know

God told me, Don't worry bout nothing
God told me, Don't worry no more
we both know he cares for me insanely
he told me I'll never be alone oh - oh

I repent my sins when I'm with him
I love it, I love it
I repent my sins when I'm with him
I  love it, I love it

I know he'll be the life of me, at least I'll be saved
and he'll always get the best of me, the worst will never come
all the misery was necessary, when you're deep in love with God
I know, yes I know, Yeah I know

Free your mind
fill your eyes and ears
with poetic flows on paper

Let it be music
to your soul
sing silently to its tunes

Float, weightless
as if bound by nothing...
into the universe and beyond

Be lulled,
into a state of mindless tranquility
where words rule
governed by the light of hopes and fears

Wait !
System crash
delete/re-send/enter

Lonely by default
social am i

Love to laugh, scream,talk
light a room afire
Puns of fun escapes my lips
eyes full with desire

Plugged in
no one looks up to see
who or what befriends them

Long ago ...
before computers,
the advent of texting -
It was so much more easier
to meet a friend

Eyes would lock
a smile emerged, to touch the lips and heart

Lips gently curl
feel good senses
spread along the lines of veins

Talks ensued
connections locked
Friendships mapped
that lasts the end of days

Lonely Apps
Socialization deleted
laughs, screams, talks

Now; texts, emails, tweets
eyes now dim
Puns of fun trapped behind lips

Plugged in
no uploads
to pull reality in

Trusting, innocent heart
trying to see the best in one

Makes you feel that all is good
until you turn your back or head

Trash erupts...

Mind my own business
observe, listen
makes me learn
and see what others miss

They underestimate the quiet,
strong silence in the midst of their selves

When you KNOW you're right
and haven't done anything wrong

Pray & Fight -

Stand up to the Devil
it's your plight
Don't cower or hide
let out that pride

Great Poets are born
when there is a natural high
or a terrible low.

Be still ...
Look
Listen ...
Inhale -
Our world, is truly a beautiful place

Fresh air, water, sunlight, lush vegetation,
people, birds, animals, mountains, rivers,
the sea -

Magnificent !
WOW -
Beautiful...
Planet Earth

Just because you are quiet...
maybe you don't say much
They think you are stupid, illiterate and such

We bother no one
brush off a lot of stuff
only when you show disrespect, yell or bully us
then our fangs come out and ****** !

I don't copy write
It's mine
Original write
right ?
Copyright

**** happens !
Trials & tribulations
eventually it all evens out
Trouble don't last always
God is good
Hold on
Keep pushing!
the best is yet to come

Engine died
The car is in the shop
It's been a week, still not fixed -
cannot afford a payment, so have to wait

Meantime, driving my brother's twenty-two year old antique -
a collectible - Nissan Sentra

Over forty miles an hour it starts to shake
and grumble under the strain,
so we go according to how it feels on
a given day

It's like driving a stick shift -
deep concentration, manual thrusts.
Hope no rain; sunroof leaks -
have to wear my rain gear

So quiet, yet so LOUD -
no radio ...
The sounds of the moving machine
keeps me wide awake, alert.
I can hear it squeak and groan.
Feel every pebble and crack on the pavement

No complaints - it's reliable, durable
Takes me where I need to go

Built of real steel -
very old - reliable

PAIN, PAIN, PAIN !!!
No more Pain !
Don't want to go there.
Wished not to experience it
Can't get away!

It's a part of life that is deeply entwined
in our own existence. It will make or break you

Are you strong enough, Bad enough,
to endure Pain ?

Dealt with this evil feeling for a long-time.
Eating into my skin, seeping into my brain.
Fighting to regain.

There has been times when it stops me dead
in my tracks. I have to control the attacks

I cry, I hate, I debate...
Struggling, I stand strong
my heart grows weak; I reason with God

In the end, Pain takes its toll. I wither; I hide
The outside world sees my smile
even though my eyes are dull, and
my laugh, is full of Pain.

I'm a woman first -
can you hear me ?!
I am a woman - hear my cries:
look at me - not past me.

Why do you think I scream and holler!
That's because you seem blind to my wants and needs
If you only want cookies, don't move in and sponge off me

My make up, doesn't involve a break up
If you can't be man enough to uphold me -
don't trip up
keep it moving, boo

I am a woman, I am true
If you're with me
I take care of you

You're supposed to be strong,
what's wrong with you?

Take care of your woman -
even if you a dog, under cover
be good to the one you choose to live with

Women will come and go,
there's thousands of us.
Just be kind to the one that you were with
from the start -

that cleaned up your a** and got you on the move -
to bigger and better plateaus

I am woman
boo

My Black is:
Quiet, Strong, Independent,
Loving. Too nice.

My Black is
Beautiful...

Risk taking is not for the faint of heart
The fear of the unknown is strong
Not knowing what is in store is scary.

Stress and unhappiness buds sprouts of flight, into risks.
After years of pure hard labor and ungrateful  hands
risk taking looked like a good option

You can't think about it or you won't take the leap

Leap of strong, un-fore-bearing faith
knowing that you have to succeed -

because, God is good -
all the time -
and all the time -
God is good

Sad Poetic lyrics
has to flow
before
the light emerges.

Poetry is Song ...
just without the musical sounds
of Beat .

This is not meant to offend
No one has to respond

This is my silent wish

I have a -
DAD
BROTHER
FRIEND
UNCLE
SON

This is my platform
to tell the Universe

ALL LIVES MATTER

Life, has always been a struggle
Getting up each day, choosing to smile and pray
Thank God! for another day; for loving us; helping us;
washing your blood over us; protecting our minds, bodies and souls

This journey has been tough. Nothing, handed down or given.
Having to work so hard; cry; fight. Family doesn't even care
about your well-being.

Unlucky, when it comes to love, between a man and a woman.

Still, you fight.

Striving to be a confident, strong you. Pushing oneself;
trying new things. Not afraid to relocate if stagnation sets in.
Re-inventing oneself, whenever it's time to move onward

It's a life-long reflecting ride. Keep reminding oneself, that
through these trials and tribulations, there are others who
might be having an even tougher time coping -
going through similar events

Always thinking and knowing "you have to be strong" -
you, can do it.
Hoping to set great examples for our sons and daughters

I'm a resilience; quiet; beautiful soul-

I am, a black girl that "ROCKS"

You have to have faith.
Believing in something greater than you -
greater than man.

Getting up time after time if things are going wrong -
you have to quit and with blind faith,
know it's going to be alright

Carve your own destiny. The choices are yours to make
It makes you sick to the stomach,
after you leap into the unknown.

You hold on strong and pray and keep moving on
with Iron will
It has to go right ...

God didn't lead you to wrong
It takes a while, but in the end...

Ah... You breathe -
It's even better than when you first began.

I bleed and heal
through
the vein of my pen

It evolved at birth. Dad was ever absent. Got married,
the husband was ever absent.
Developed a new relation, he was there for a few years.
Great years - because he was there.

I discovered love. It was beautiful. I loved love.
Several years into it, he decided to explore his other options.
I was hurt, depressed

Healed, I moved on. Thought I would be lucky with the next.
It went on for a few years; not bad.
Then, on cue, he wanted to move on too.

Hell, don't know what it is. Unable to keep love.

Most of us girls have the same problem, we find these guys -
down on their luck. We buy them things, clothes, cars, food.
Let them move in. Wash, cook, clean, give them cookies
and whatever they need - yet, they don't care about you.

We work harder to give. All we need is just to know they are there
for us, to hold us, a shoulder, a warm body in bed.

All I want to know is what the hell they want from us -
so i can keep the love instead.

ooohhh !!!    hhhmm !!!
wow !!!     mama !!!

REJECTION - Hurts like HELL !

It goes deep down into the veins ...
It Hurts the bones ----
Tears up the brain ----
Spreads the veins -----

Hurts like HELL !

It drains the very blood
of your essence -
If you are on the receiving end

You lag to rock bottom
slipping into that abyss
of deep dark mystifying
shift .

This empty feeling haunts you
nags at your thoughts ...
You shake it off; trying to dismiss it
Nah - can't be true

It persists
You see it in the eyes ...
That window to their soul
You feel it, taste it

Then, you wonder,
How did this happen?

Drifting apart but unable to stop the waves
you bob and float
with emotions too deep to be saved

Confiding in a friend, the fears and tears come undone
You can see their look of concern
they know it's done

Where did one go wrong?
Even though, deep down we know it has
It hurts the heart,
You search the soul
Finding nothing that can console

Sick in the head
Numb in the heart
Blind in one eye
Limp in the arms
Weak in the knees
Stone cold in the stomach

The world, as you perceive it
turns topsy turvie
only you can see it
NO one can feel it

Others think you are crazy
NO ONE knows the pain -
unless they experience it

Clouds are always grey
Days are blue
Rain, becomes you...

Through the multiple plains of life,
my ink flows freely

We all know who we are...
You always, (hopefully) love yourself
even if you don't like the reflection staring back at you

Curious to hear what friends, family and
acquaintances see
when they look or think of me
a psychological poll was given

The ones that knew me best
were not afraid of the test

My younger brother said:
Hardworking - honest - not afraid to try
anything - friendly - motivator - I do what
I say - finish what I start

Best friend I met years back: Loyal friend

Sister, from another mother, added: Heart
in the right place - Incredible artist - feel strongly
about my territory - will fight to the end; to protect
what is mine (at any cost) - driven - innovative -
care-free

My baby girl, was happy to report: loving -
giving - fearless - creative - caring - strong-minded -
secretive - smart - beautiful - funny - ambitious -
sweet

My really great friend from my homeland: love to
be in charge - domineering - don't like or take bull-**** -
kind (but don't let people use it against me) - don't
let people take me for granted - firm (with the opposite ***) -
always want to move onward in life - feisty - at times,
miserable -

Couldn't stop laughing out loud
feels good, to see and hear their reflections of me

That's me alright!
My head, didn't swell
I know who I am

Underneath all these layers
I'm only human
protecting my golden heart
creating a niche in this Universe

To leave an impression -
of Me

Always heard the saying
never thought anything about it
you are immune, invisible, untouchable

Then, it hits...
**** !
I'm a target,
of my fathers' sins

Years an years of crap piled up
it spills and spills and spills

I'm caught up in the foul mists
the shadowy clouds, the rage...
can't stay adrift

Pulling with all the might of a warrior
I fight
Dragged left -
shifted right

Tongues wag; teeth gnash; eyes clash;
words flow, like a *****, nasty blow...

Father knows of his sins; yet, he lets me sink
he is not immune to the ills
Lets me float - no hope

So, I stay away. Forgiveness yes,
Trust no. Hurt, yes.

Moving forward, is pure determination
Letting go of years of baggage
shedding layers of skin, that has hardened
Letting go of words of rejection, thrown your way

Rising up out of the ashes of guilt, depression,
self-doubt
Giving of yourself; yet, trying to hold on
Self-therapy is hard
It's a long process, with healing abilities

Confidence is not easily attainable
when you get it - work hard to keep it
let no one, hijack your inner-self

Move forward and be proud
Selfish people will try to break you down
rob you of your self-worth

They are jealous, not wanting you to succeed
so much potential in them, yet,
they are too lazy to try or be led to greatness

Open your eyes; use your head
don't listen to your heart,
but that sixth sense that whispers in your ear ...

Move forward and DARE !

Born into a family or faith dumped you into quick-sand ... ?
No choice was given - you have to with-stand

Trying to fit in, yet no-one, tries to reach out
or lend a hand
all for themselves, they keep

Thinking when, you need a friend
the family, would be them
It hurts, but it's true
That's no, no, to you

They will step over you, filled with hate
the concept of faith
leads you to think...
wow, how and why,
this is them

You try and try, to exist with this
reaching out to reconcile
but, it always happens to backfire

Finally, you can't anymore, so...
you close that door

Do you know about unions ? The one with the bling ?
He pestered, begged, followed.
Flattered, I caved in.
After five years co-existing, we exchanged rings.

His mom was elated! She bought us things
Our dads were rigid with questions for him

I went for it - with crazy zest!
Feeling good, safe, not caring what's next

Just before saying yes, with seriousness,
I looked in his eyes - asking: Are you sure you want
to walk through this door?
Been there; done this before.
This was his ****** tour.

Close friends were upset, they thought we were rushing
Hell, we knew best.
Thinking after the fest, the road we were traveling
would lead to success!

Tying the knot (the rope that chokes)
we clutched each other. Smiles of tears in our eyes
Hearts thumping, blinded by tomorrow

That first night, with squeals of delight,
I was so happy! I couldn't stop grinning
and thinking - He chose me! (right?)
I'll love forever! Knee deep in glee

Foolish me. Didn't know what was in stow...
After six weeks of wedded bliss,
a tornado blew open the doors!

He bowled me over, with words hard to ponder...
"I don't want to be married anymore".

Happy Holidays to all !

Found an outlet
where I can
SCREAM
eloquently, passionately
POETRY

Girl ...
I'm so tired of shedding tears -
starting to feel like a hairless cat
Don't know why God made us females so sensitive

We're like ice-cream
sweet, soft, smooth, delicious
taking whatever shape you impress upon us

It ***** ...

When I think I'm over it -
just the merest look or a suggestive hook
throws me right back in a nook

It belies the fact that I'm strong !
Independent, a mind of my own
a leader
Except, - If you look closer
a heart that's made of gold -
which melts at his look or touch
even though, I know
he's going to hurt me so much

I cry - tears of fear
Trouble don't last always
when this has come to past
I will be okay
looking for love again at last

The day will be bright
I'll be coaching my girlfriends on men
having no more tears of my own -
I'll be training her to stand up alone

Drawn from experiences you bear
Men are not one to care, for strength in their women's demear
weaker ***, we are not !
having to be able to stand on the spot

Men have muscles ! we have brains
they hold strong !    we love fierce

Finding a man, we help him to build his life, his will
we toil for years, trying to bond
developing patterns as we travel along

Making our own history, hoping it last
through tribulations of fighting, cheating - aghast !
Life is good, you love; you laugh;
taking care of your household, forgiving the past

You have dreams of a nice, fine life
so, you work hard, building bridges; making cakes; washing;
cleaning; loving -
Then, out of the blue, he looks at you
It's not the same, what a shame ...

No more communications; no dinners set;
no more sleeping together - nothing,
to offset, the love or potential that you get
when there is love or respect

You fight, with all you have
this is the man you gave your heart ...
he is dead set, because of another
young, fresh, no regrets

It was tough, you burned, yearned
got depressed; fought the tears
the demons on your chest

Its been a year; long, hard year
he's set to go
so, you pick up your skirt
head for the door

Which man or woman hasn't been dumped
like a pile of garbage in a slump

It comes as a surprise; but, if we are honest -
we saw it coming, - just that -
with anything in life -
Denial rushes in ! - Full Force! -
to block the tunnel ("vision")

Hurt, bruised, mouth agape with speech-less fright
I'm loosing my soul-mate !
Oh my, what a night

Years were spent building this Fort
of love, trust, tears of delight

Then; as you look on...
the walls of your Fort come tumbling down!

Crying, mourning, bent, broken, your ears are ringing
with the sounds of those words you dread hearing!

"Babes, I'm moving on; It's not you; It's me;
You a good person - BUT " !

In tears of turmoil and inner rage
hanging on to your dignity becomes a chore

You pick your lips up off the floor
brace your feet
dry your tears -
cry no more

Accept their denial of your hard, founding love
Open the door - let them go ...
grieve, loose confidence, get depressed -

Because you loved them so ...

Un-care goes deep. Looking at that door.
I feel no more...
Who would believe, that just a short-time ago
there was joy in the air; laughter in the eyes; words of care

Seeing the regret in his eyes, the shift in his steps, the rigid chest.
Tears comes to my eyes. I can't believe...

Confused about the meanness
I looked with searching eyes
at the ebbing oneness,
leaking down the steps of the once thought love nest

Raising the question, of why ?

He pierced me with angry, empty eyes.
Why ?
All the reasons given, were nothing but lies and denials
He got what he wanted.
Years of emotional, devotions of love and ***
All the essence of my womanhood drained,
What's left ?

Tried to fight for that love we had
but for him; the hunt was over
I was left bruised and had
I fought and fought and fought some more
Nothing I did or said shaked his demure

He said he loved me, but was not "in love"
couldn't make promises anymore
He cringes at my touch
pulls away, and pushes every step of the way

I've come to terms with myself and the situation
My God, it's been months
turned into a year of Un-care

He retreats to his room
closes his door

I hate that door
UN-CARE

Love comes in different shapes and forms
smells and looks
It hits slow
creeps up on you
like a fish-hook

It's good, great
Like a piece of cake
double yummy chocolate chip plate !

Life is good with love in your path ...
your steps are lite
the world is bright
stars are huge, like your heart

It makes your spirits soar
your laughter roar
smiles are wide
the world is bright

Best feelings in the universe
if you can hold and harvest its worth

Coming up for air
you breathe,
deep and exhale
smells of relief in the air

It feels good, to look up
stare, open your eyes,
your mind, your ear

Drag yourself up,
out of that hole
the one that swallowed you whole ...

Feel the warmth flow over you
encircling your soul
It was such a Drag -
to be beaten down - to a mole

Fight hard, fight long
listen to your head
as your heart pulls you instead