I just seem to fall deeper and deeper
And things get darker and darker
Until I can't even see my hand in front of my face
Even in the brightest of light
And maybe if I get out more
I can pull myself up to where I'm able to function
I'm always in a state of panic
My parents have no faith in me
I start losing faith in myself
My future is the only thing that keeps me going
If it doesn't happen
Nothing will matter
I'll have to stay in a place that makes me go insane
My parents will be right
And I will have failed
I start to lose my confidence
And just pray that I can make it
I take all the chances I can get
The biggest risk
All odds are on this Scratch and Win card
I've come too far
My future is in my sights
Almost in my hands
The only thing holding me back
Is the fact that I might not get in
And people won't understand
Ask if I have a backup plan
You see my life has consisted of coming so close
But then having my feet swept up from under me
The universe dangles all of my dreams right in front of me
But never let's me hold them
What's my backup plan
I can't stand in the shadows anymore
I'm sure that this is it
I've overcome every obstacle in order to win
I will climb out of my hole
Into the cold world
And embrace all of my struggles
Because they made me
I could be dead
But that would mean giving up on everything that has yet been discovered

There are mornings when I wake up and you don't even enter my mind. I change into clothes that you haven't touched and I start a day that you have not been in. I thank the sun for shining and the ground for creating new paths. And I know I am done with you

But then

Then there are times when I wake up and feel you next to me. My fingers trace over my mattress and I swear you are right there. Ever so present in my life like you never left. But you are far away. So far away. Yet you have this ability to make yourself present in a world you walked away from. And I know. Even after I've pulled you out of me. You will always be right there.

There is a spot by the lake that holds my fondest memory
We were 15 years old
When we sat on the rocks and watched the sun spin spirals of orange and purple across the sky
She was mesmerized by the oil painted landscape and I was blown away by the way the lake reflected off of her eyes
We kissed
And for a moment we began to blend in with our surroundings
Fading into the background and grasping onto our innocence
I think of this moment often
It was before we became ****** into the destruction of ourselves
It was before our own personal battles with depression collided becoming one massive world war
Before we used each other to feel again
Even if that feeling was pain
Because nothing was worse than looking at the girl you loved and not being able to remember why it was all worth it
We lost ourselves somewhere in the masses
And every time I see the sky light up and dance, I think of her
Wounds never truly heal
They only become scars
Even after months of dirt, sweat, and new experiences, scars never really fade
They only blend in with the rest of what the world around you has left behind
Watching the sunset is kind of like remembering that relationship
Everything is breathtaking
With suns and colors that stretch far beyond what you imagined
You can just sit and smile and know that it is good
And then before you know it
It's pitch black and you can't see your hand in front of your face
You can't make out where you are
And we didn't get anymore sunsets
We only got a dark void in between what we started with and what I have now
Sunsets hold a special place in my heart
They're not right next to you
But all around you
Cradling your presence
Bringing you up to the sky each night for me to remember

I'm stuck between wanting you and wanting my sanity
The sunshine surrounding my day only comes when you are next to me
I'm trying to find balance but walk on shaky ground
If love is faith
Why is love also madness
You look at me with eyes of gold and I melt down into my purest form
Finding inner love is hard when all you really want is the warmth from the outside
I'm not sure where I'm going
I'm just happy I'm still trying
Growing is endless
If you stay I promise to show you the depths of the ocean
And the vastness of the sky
For I once lived in the dark but you are natural sunshine
And with my pale skin and damaged heart
I will soak up all you have to offer me
Even if it means losing my sanity

I've been told not to rush
Or I'll miss my chance
But when every sprint turns into a marathon
The idea of taking my time just doesn't sit right
And if I'm supposed to make the first move
Please.. let me know
Otherwise we will continue to remain clueless
Because between you and me
I've never been very good at making the first move
We can talk for hours at a time
And my mind
Will somehow forget to inform me that our whole conversation consisted of flirting
If you want me to catch on then you need to write it in the sky
Or leave me a letter with step by step directions
Telling me exactly what you're feeling
So I can translate your secret code and understand
I feel like I'm standing in quick sand
And you are on the outside
I can see you
But the more I struggle to reach you
The deeper I sink
And if I stand still I have a perfect view of who you are
I like how you say you're an open book
And each page is uncharted territory that brings me into your past
The more I read
The more I want to know
Just tell me when you want me to stop
Tell me when I reach a point that was unbearably hard
So I can reach a better understanding of what you've been through
You say your life consists of many books with lots of chapters
Just give me some time and I will have read everything
But you need to tell me
You need to say if I'm moving too fast or too slow
You need to tell me if we are friends or something more
Because I have never been this intrigued by a girl before
And whether or not this goes anywhere
Just let me know if this is going to be a marathon or a sprint
I'll be here if you want me to be here

She came into this world guns blazing
With high spirits and a jagged future
She could only see what was right in front of her
Parts and places blended together like paint on a canvas
The lines on her arms told her story
She didn't trust easily
And yet she gave her heart away like an unwanted child
Her parents never really noticed until the yelling stopped
The noise was loud in her head
Large groups made her quiet
You could see everything written on her face
In the words she hesitated to say
She couldn't escape her nightmares because she was awake every time
A perfect opportunity
Drunk thoughts
A busy road
Colorado
2a.m.
Sadness can be the bullet in the gun
She came into this world not knowing
She came in with high hopes turned into low expectations
She came into a life that already had the loaded gun waiting for her
Already had the busy Denver road
Already had the blade
She walked to three different stores looking
Looking for a knife
She walked down a road with car after car
Waiting to step into it
You only become stronger after falling down and getting back up
And sometimes she decided to test her balance

I've done so much for the wrong people
Fell in love with evil
Gave my heart to the ones who only wanted something to feed on
Now I'm coming back strong
I feel good
And I see you looking sad
Because I'm not moping around like I was when you packed up and left
You want me to be miserable
But you are out of luck
I'm no longer stuck
I actually don't give a ****
Do you think having *** with random people will make you happy
You don't want to be alone but you also don't want commitment
And it's a shame people will fall for you only to get ******* by you
Here's the truth
I think you are ****
The lowest of the low
I used to place you between the moon and sun
Because in my world you were the one who glowed
I should have seen it coming
But love is blinding
Now I'm seeing clearly
You are not the one I thought I was finding
I thought I hit the jackpot
But I was actually stuck in a bad spot
Now I'm free
Someone else can deal with your needs
I'll probably never see that $200
But you can have it
But my heart I'll go ahead and grab it
You were never really worthy
Never that deserving
And even though you put me through hell
I still want you to be happy
Isn't that crazy
So I'll wait for the right one to come along
I'll never rely on a girl to make me strong
Loving you was a mistake
But mistakes are great
You come back with a clean slate
Thank you for leaving me
Now I can find someone who believes in me

We don't talk because it's just easier to breathe
Breathe in the silence of a life full of "I'm sorry"
The sky with always run blue and my blood will always bleed red
No matter what anyone screams or fights about
And you sir are no dad
You are dead
This world only takes in what it gives out
Societies karma will surely bring us down
The sky will be the limit because that will be all we have left to sing about
We are all just atoms made up to destroy things
Toxic veins and organs rigged to explode
So why do I act like you
Why do I bring people to their knees
Sending hurricanes and tsunamis on tiny villages filled with kids with hopes and dreams
And in all honesty this world doesn't mean **** to me
But you
You are this entire solar system to me
Brown whirlpools for eyes
And a cascading waterfall of a heart
I'd spend eternity exploring the forest that is your soul
This world is such a dark hole
And you must be my silver lining
The only part of this world that is true beauty
My hands shake like earthquakes
My words stumble on cracks in the sidewalk
My heart sinks into potholes
You are the Bernie Sanders to my generation
My revolution
Despite my need for darkness and bad decisions
You make me good again
And when I can't breathe
When the clouds roll in and take away my sunshine
When everything beats me down
You are the only thing still standing
And this world will only give you what you can handle
And until the day I die
I will bring you into battle

There was once a girl with a charcoal past
Slowly burning at the core
She had a loud ****** mind
With a bitterly sweet heart
She came into my life like a freight train
This girl lit everyone on fire while she burnt out
She had this way of making me feel out of control
She could build me up to the sky
Then send me spiraling down in a matter of minutes
And I was hooked
Hooked on the lifestyle she brought
Skipping class to watch her take drugs because I was already high off her fumes
Tracing the scars on her wrists with my eyes
Watching her fade in and out of this time period
I never saw any of it coming
She walked on the edge of my life
No longer being fully present
And I ached at the core
Tracing lines into my own arms to match her's
Questioned my life the way she questioned her's
She walked away
I was never the same
There was once a girl who left a mark on me
She was a burning house
I was the wooden rocking chair alone in the corner
I never had a chance

One morning I opened my locker
A piece of paper fell out
I picked it up and read it
To my surprise it said
No one likes a ***
My first response was to read it again
To make sure I didn't get the words wrong
I hadn't
My second response was pure rage
I said to myself
Well this is a great way to start my day
I threw the hateful message in the trash can
Went into the bathroom to wash my hands
As the hate spew down the sink
The pain was still in my heart
Who would write such a thing
This happened about a week after I came out
I felt so free
Only to find out that someone didn't approve of me
I can't explain how it felt to read that note
I couldn't tell a single soul
I didn't want to be that one gay kid
Who tried to stop bullying with just one swing
Even thought this wasn't some little thing
If you think this is no big deal
Try walking in my shoes
What would you do
Find the kid and beat him up
No
You can't stop hate by using hate
I put a smile on my face and held my head high
Knowing that the kid who did this could be near by
But although there was a smile on my face
Those words on the paper burned a hole in my heart
If you don't believe me
Take a look at my scars

It was raining cats and dogs
Even though cats and dogs are supposed to bring happiness
There was nothing happy about the way the sky looked that night
The storm came in stages and patterns
Breaking down the walls that kept her safe
The clouds moved as swiftly as a dancer
Drowning out the sun and its warmth
No one saw it coming
No one saw the signs that were written in their hearts
We blocked out everything that was different
The storm came
The weather changed
We ran in different directions never looking back
How can you live when all you do is block out everything that reminds you that you're living
How can you stop yourself from feeling
The storm wiped out the love that we had
Turned us bad
We waited for the rainbow that showed signs of hope
But did nothing but stare out the window that pointed directly to our souls
We left our homes
Our lives seemed based around this storm
We became drones to the world around us
Untangling our pasts like they were knots holding us back
Using to for rope to go over the edge
To somehow find our silver lining
We stood at the edge questioning how far the fall was
We saw the storm roll in like a gang ready to battle for their pride
We jumped
Asking no questions
We gave into the rhythm around us
Pounding in our heads and hearts leading us out of the dark
We hit the ground and stood toe to toe with the storm
That chased us for years
Never having the courage to face it
Our strength became endless and we fought for our right to feel again
And even after taking blow after blow
We kept progressing
Until we saw our rainbow
I can't tell you what it feels like to stand up after a great battle
Knees weak
Arms shaking
We became fighters that day

I haven't told anyone that I still think about dying
Thoughts like that never make people comfortable
Even though death is natural
But when a teenager mentions death in the near future everyone wants to jump to the nearest conclusion
I'm not trying to say I'm suicidal
Believe me I have big plans ahead
I just think
More than I should
I think about how things would be if I just didn't be
If I just didn't be myself
If I just didn't be around
And if that makes me crazy
Then I have been crazy for quite some time
People never know
Never know true thoughts or someone's intentions
Until they expose themselves
Until they show the inner makings of their being
True feeling isn't always common
I just want people to know that they don't own me
And if I were to die today I could be confident in the fact that I expressed myself
I gave my life the effort of a solider and a peacekeeper
I pray that I see another day but if I don't that's okay
Colorado screams my name as if I'm destined to be there
Destined to find my way
Death is so easy
Life is what we have to be afraid of
And I have never been so scared in my life
Fear makes you stronger
So I'll continue the fight

This is for the people who have had their dreams crushed
Bagged up and thrown away like they didn't mean much
For the boys and girls who sit in school and daydream of space and make believe
You are the real hero's
I often wondered what I dreamed of when I laid in bed
But not very often I remembered what went on in my head
And people said I wouldn't amount to much
Only just 10 months of my life given out of love
And you say I'm wasting my time
Even though this brings me closer to the finish line
All the negativity that they said to me
They look at me and I bet now they see
So please don't worry there is much out there
Just look at what I found here
And when people look down on you
They're only scared to think of what you'll amount to
This is for the people who still believe in love
Even though they've had their hearts crushed
For the ones who still hold faith in the world
You're the ones I look up to

I hope you are happy
I hope talking to him brings you the happiness I couldn't give you
You have given me my reason to move on from you
I've realized that I gave you everything
I'm trying to get it all back now
My love seems to go beyond human nature which ends in me getting ****** over
You ****** me over
I have a hard time telling you how I actually feel because offending you is not something I want to do
But I can't deal
So here it goes
I feel destroyed
Cut down
Kicked in the face
Dragged around
I want to yell at you
Cuss
Spew hate
Tell you how much I can't stand you
But in reality
I ******* love you
The fact that I ******* love you makes my skin crawl
You really had it all but dropped the ball
Now I feel two feet tall
And I want to hate you
I really want to ******* hate you
Because maybe that would make moving on easier
You have no problem moving on
Isn't that ******* great
When did you stop loving me
I'll let you know when I stop loving you
This all came out of the blue
But apparently everyone knew
Surprise
The joke is on you Jackie
Now I understand why you ask for our plans every week
It's so you could see him
Why don't you just kick me in the face
I'm already on the ground
So why not take it all and leave me broken down
And the fact that I gave you my heart makes me feel stupid now
But let's be honest
Who really cares
I could end it all right here
When you told me
I literally wanted to curl into a ball in the middle of the road and hope that a car would take me
I stood there with my heart in my throat as you told me you were seeing someone else
You asked if I was okay
I'm great
I can feel so much pain
And not go insane
I threw everything away
Including your ring
I can't sit and stare at it anymore
**** all of this
You wanted to know how I felt
Well this is it

I don't understand anymore
Life has thrown one too many punches
And this one was the knockout
I'm left sprawled out on the floor
I was closed off
But with you my heart was an open door
You fooled me
You hit me right in my blind spot
Love struck now has me broken up
I don't want this fight anymore
See with you everything was different
Even my parents got to witness my happiness
That doesn't happen
Why would I allow myself to feel again
I thought this was what you wanted
You left me brokenhearted
Now I'm scrambling to go back to where I started
I'm lost
I don't who I am
Take me back to Arizona where it all began
Because that's when you wanted me as much as I wanted you
Sitting by the pool talking about how I would never lose you
Having you lay next to me while the team was fast asleep
Working in the mountains where our dreams were at our feet
Tell me you don't want that
Tell me you forgot about our talks about tiny homes and road trips
Small dogs and two kids
Now I know what I have to do
Which is say goodbye to you
I love you
I ******* love you
But it's lose lose
Don't forget me
I won't forget you

I'm not quite sure where I stand with my emotions
Or where I just stand
If you look straight at me you will see that I am whole
But if you stand off to the side you will see that I am paper thin
Hoping that the wind doesn't blow too hard otherwise it will carry me away
I'm not quite sure why pain needs to be felt
Or why I feel so much of it
I just know that when I came to you drunk and uneasy you looked at me and somehow kept me together
I want to go to you but that would mean releasing my demons and they aren't properly trained yet
I'm not quite sure why I put the knife to my arm this time
Or why I didn't call you
I just know that my own expectations and seeing Kai's mom put me into a state that kills me from the outside in
So I started with my skin
I'm not sure why I fail to stay clean
I just know that life has to be more than this
And if I can't recognize that, I will continue to fall
I stayed for Kai
Now that she is gone
I have to learn to stay for myself
I'm not quite sure why I'm still here
Or why I haven't left yet
But I'm going to find out

Stop, please do not come any closer to me
You smell like flowers mixed with good intentions
And I smell like tequila and tears
You think you can fix me
As if I'm only broken on the outside
You do not want to see me on the inside
On the inside I am holding a gun to my head
Whether it's loaded or not is really up to my imagination
In my head I am standing on a bridge
And who knows
Maybe it's only 2 feet off the ground
Maybe there is a freaking trampoline waiting to spring me back into the air and bring joy in my life
Or maybe the drop is deadly and punishing bringing eternal sleep upon impact
Either way
You do not want to see inside of me
Inside there is mold and termites and everything that brings deterioration
There is scar tissue, bruises, broken windows and holes in the ceiling
And you might see a smile on my face but my insides are screaming
Dragging me by the hair
Holding me down
So please
Don't try to get close to me
Don't try to heal me with your love and understanding
I will rip you apart
And then expect you to clean up the mess I made
You seem like you would be good for me
And that is why I am pure poison for you

I am stuck in my own transgressions
One more hit straight to my head

I can't sleep so I'm always lonely
Thoughts at night are the ones who hold me

And there are so many people but none of them are you
I see evil around me but you are always good

So tell me everything you can't say
And I'm climing towards better days
Cause sometimes it's hard but only the start
Escape your fears
Run with your heart
Get back to who you are

I don't float so I'm always sinking
One more night that I drawn in my drinking

I'm still a mess with some different baggage
Unstable but I always manage

And I have so many habits I don't know what to choose
And I have so much damage I don't know what to do

It seems I only bleed when people test me
Test my abilities
My loyalty
My heart and nerve
Carve lines making up words that fade into a blur
He looks at me with no love so I do the same towards myself
I used to put so much energy into trying to be someone else
He walks away like he has nothing to lose
I choose a knife because it feels better than his abuse
Agree to disagree that's all we ever do

They talk about her like she was never real
They talk about me like I don't know how it feels
If she was still around I could be content with myself
The way her parents talk it's like I ruined her health
So I engrave our years together
My arms tell stories
The scars show fears
I only blame myself because I was all she had
Decided to put myself first at the time didn't sound so bad
So when they mention her I feel lost and confused
The only way to cope is to pick pain over you
I feel enough for the both of us
All the regret is clear so I don't open up
I know if you were here you would want me to stop
But you're not
And that's on me
So I'll drink away and let myself bleed

We all have things that weigh on our hearts
We all have demons who come alive in the dark
And when I'm triggered I don't see red, I see stars
Block out the noise and forget who people are
I lose myself for the sake of coping
I'll smile and act like I'm joking
Everything is too real for me
My triggers are as real as the air I breathe
They are alive
They will be the death of me

You have become my skyline
A horizon that makes me believe in life after death
And that the earth is round
You have turned into tall buildings and trees because you believe in stretching out and touching the stars
I look up at you and you look down at me but our eyes both show that we are equal
You seem to expand over time
And I seem to shrink
But even after months of labor and hundreds of miles between us
You are still more beautiful than the night sky on the mountain
Or that time we both saw the Grand Canyon before our paths crossed
You are still more beautiful than anything I hope to see in this world
And as you continue to expand, I continue to be amazed by you
Little moments get me through this harsh life
And you break up into tiny particles that flout around my brain and hit all the right nerves
Sometimes even the wrong nerves but I'll forgive you
And I'll never forget the time we drove in that truck together
You wanted to know all the little stories that I rarely share
And I knew
You wanted inside my brain as much as I wanted inside yours

Death has always seemed so present in my life
My first love said that death is not something you should be afraid of
What you should be afraid of is someone else taking the place of your soul
Someone else loving the one you gave everything to
She told me that she would never connect with someone the way she connected with me
Because soulmates are not easily found or won
Death seemed to love her more than I did
Death fought for her before I even gave up
Death was her true soulmate
I think about death the way I think about love
It is natural
Unexpected
Love has a way of shielding you from all the pain that life brings
And gives you a soft place to land
She told me that death called out to her when she spent every night crying
The only thing that stopped death was love
She told me that I stopped death
I only stopped it for as long as I could hold it off
Until love wasn't enough to pay it off
She needed something more
Because I was never her true soulmate

I looked at her
And with complete peace
I smiled
Knowing that her's was hiding pain
She was never loved
Was never seen as anything special
Beat up and bruised by the words of others
People
Who didn't even know her
As I grew to know her
Love her
I found myself in her unconditional love
She never judged

He was tormented everyday
For something he couldn't change
Gay
Pushed down stairs
Shoved into lockers
And when he came home
His parents couldn't even look at him
Blinded by their hate
They pushed him away
Into the hands of drugs
Not because he wanted to
But because he felt no love

And as for me
My story has bits and pieces of theirs
Cutting was what fueled my life
Sucide
Because I was never loved by someone
Looked down apon because of who I loved
I never knew how good life could be
Until I heard other peoples stories

No one should be treated badly
We all search for happiness
But sometimes that's at the cost of others
We all have light and dark within us
Choose to fuel the light
Choose to diminsh the dark

I remember that everything I knew disappeared when I looked at her
Love in all its forms never quite kept it's innocence
The line we drew became twisted and blurry
And in the end nothing seemed real
She took pride in her image as if it were all she had
People stood in line to get glimpses of her smile for comfort
We ventured off hoping to find something our parents never gave us
But somehow it lead us nowhere
We never quite got the hang of letting go or even holding onto something with value
And if you asked us what we believed in, we would stand and face each other
Not knowing that we would be each others kryptonite
We danced around the word 'forever' as if it was our only source of energy
Never realizing how suffocated it became
If only we knew how tangled our lives would become
Weaving in and out of commitment only resulting in a war that ended with two casualties

I never understood this unrelenting undeniable love I had for her
Until my only option was to walk away from something so beautiful yet so self-destructive
They all looked at me and thought I was strong
That I did it for myself
No
The love I had for her outweighed my own pain
It was for her
My one true love who saw me even when our lives went dark
She was the love of my life

I am trying not to fall apart in front of everybody right now
The thought of standing on stable ground was before you came here and rocked the boat
Stole my coat with the pockets that held my love notes
You don't even know what you did to me
If I have to stand here and shack just so I can stay standing
Then don't look at me and think I have some type of problem
My only problem is that I can't fully express my ongoing problem
I see you looking at me
The only thing is your eyes go right through me
You don't even take the time to get a glimpse of my soul
You look then shift gears onto the next person so you don't figure someone out
You purposely miss puzzle pieces so you don't get the full picture
But all that does is leave someone unfinished
I feel unfinished
Like if a stranger were to look at me they could see the gaping holes that you left
Because apparently I wasn't good enough for you
Like my talents and qualities weren't what you were looking for
But you never even fully looked at me
You saw what you wanted to see
You saw what other people told you to see
I stand here fully aware that at any moment a gust of wind could come and take me
I can lie and say I'm totally put together
But who even listens to a broken record
You don't know me
And if you know me you know that having it together and keeping it together are two totally different things with me
If you try and lean on me just know that you may come tumbling down with me
Not on purpose
Sometimes I just can't handle the weight
If you give me the world I might just drag it because my shoulders are used to holding your tears and nothing else
Please if you want to hurt me get in line
By the time you reach me I won't put up a fight
I will graciously fall to my knees
Because continuously taking blows to the chin gets a little tiring
So let me sit here
By the time you get here
You will have already defeated me

Finding the right words is hard when you are constantly choking on sound
This and that
And the aftermath
**** a sunrise
Let my mind set
I try to follow roadsigns but I missed my exit and refuse to turn back
I don't time travel well
She has planted deep roots inside of me
The cold is harsh and all I want is to protect her tiny heartbeat
Shake me
Shake me
Shake me till I erupt with passion again
I've been standing still for too long
I don't know how to grow
I know how to stretch
Pull me apart
Make me feel again
She is pure sunshine and she knows it
And I know that God exists just by how she looks at me
I'm rebuilding for the sake of consistent structure
My foundation is custom
Make me see
Make me see
Make me see what is right in front of me
Life is meant to be wandered through
Not wondering through
And my God what a beautiful thing to be experiencing it with you

Missing you is like walking out in the cold and expecting not to get sick
Missing you is like listening to your favorite song with the volume off
It's like scraping your knee and thinking it won't bleed
Missing you is like staying up all night even when you are exhausted
Missing you is like wearing sunglasses in the dark
It's like starting a fist fight with yourself
Missing you is like a deafening silence
Missing you is like having so much to say but never saying it out loud

Missing you is like waiting for the phone to ring
It's like scrolling through all the text messages and not seeing your name

Missing you is like telling someone to never speak to you again even when they are the only one you want to hear from

The past is the past for a reason
Difference in seasons
Lock me up for treason
My on going thoughts leave me heavily breathing
I cannot believe what I am seeing
We are all addicted to something
I'm addicted to the need to capture things
Like your heart
I'm addicted to this art
It pulls me apart
Just to put me back together
I am a rubber band
Don't stretch me too far
I don't continuously expand
I get pulled then slowly snap back
I don't wear snapbacks
They mess up my hair
My mind is a mess
Constantly moving and excluding
You can't sit here
What if I just disappeared
Into thin air
Magic is everywhere
Just look at us all here
That's pretty magical
Like Cinderella and the ball gown
Haters go straight down
You'll find them all there
Along with my fears
When people stare
I must be doing something right
I take flight
Go beyond air
Makes me feel alright
I don't do well with goodbyes
It means the end
I'm not good with see ya later either
Later is never promised
Do I just end things
Or pray that I make it to later
I would never date her
She's to stuck up for me
Stuck in a tree
Of high expectations
And I'm afraid of heights
Like continuously falling
Without reaching the end
Does time really end
Or do we just give up
It's a funny story
Actually it's pretty tragic
My love for you is like the Lost City of Atlantis
I believe in it
But you will never see it
My heart opens just to snap
Like a mouse trap
Don't get trapped
Unless you are able to adapt
The endings of poems are always the hardest
Is this a good place to rest my subconscious
****, why not
It's my poem

I feel like I'm sinking
And blinking is not enough to relieve my eyes from what I'm seeing
Your love was deceiving
******* out all of my feelings
Leaving me bleeding
Retreating back to my cave of useless meaning
Thinking you were different
Only to find out
That you were just like the rest
I'm left a mess
You try to rebuild the walls around your heart
Can't let people get past the start
Or make it to the finish
I'm finished
Sitting there doing the dishes
Thinking about why you left me there
In the summer air
You acted like you were scared to lose me
Turns out you did nothing but bruise me
Shattering my soul
Then stepping on all the broken pieces
Turning them into dust
Dust to ashes
But in all this madness
I'm reborn
Stronger than the storm
I try my best to smile right in front of you
So you know I got over the **** you put me through
You told me I wasn't good enough
So I walk around this life thinking I'm not good enough
So you learn to shield your heart
Shield your scars
Hoping that the next person who comes along
Doesn't destroy what you've built
But you can't help but tear it down yourself
Just so you can feel something
Then you stand beside the ruble of what's left
And wonder if it was worth it
You've jumped out of the plane
Pulled the chord
And hope that your parachute opens
You trust
You take risks
You give up everything
And yet at the end of the day
You spend your time building up your walls
With nothing but a secret passage way
Hidden where no one expects
The only way to your heart

I've come so close to death that I could feel the air escaping my body
I could feel my memories slip and the essence of myself being taken away
I could feel my skin leave my bones and I could see dust and mold reside in my rib cage
So I know what I want from life
I want an off the beaten path kind of life
Where I see new horizons and discover peaks and valleys that turn my heart into a wanderer
I want new boarders and coastlines that create tattoos along my mind covering every inch of all the bad feelings that wanted to take me away
I want a life that has no real destination but is solely focused on the journey
I want a northern lights and blue waters kind of life
A Big Ben and a land down under kind of life
Where the sky is literally my limit and I manage to explore every inch of the clouds
Mistakes are meant to be made but living a life after being so close to death is not a mistake and I will not choose ordinary
I will choose endless amounts of stars and flowing rivers
I will choose mountains and open fields
Anything that makes me proud to say that I chose life instead of what was easier
I can't go back there
Being so close to death makes me appreciate a good life
And I will explore all that it has to offer
Because I chose to live
And that is exactly what I'm going to do

I wanted her in the purest way
I wanted her the way flowers want sunshine
The way trees want to reach the sky
I wanted her in every way possible and impossible
The way birds want to fly
I wanted her the way hands want to be held and lips kissed under thousands of stars
I wanted her every second of the day and doubled when we were sleeping
Every bone in my body wanted her
Every part of heart and deepest parts of my soul
Everything touched and untouched
Everything real and make believe
I wanted her for the simple fact that our love was infinite
Stronger than steel
Deeper than the ocean
Brighter than the sun
More powerful than Gods and magic
I wanted her and she wanted me
I needed her the way people need to breathe
She may be gone forever but every breath I take brings her memory to my lungs and fills my body with her love
Blood and her smile pump through my veins
I want her the way I want to be alive
And when I die
I want her to be the first face I see
I want her the way two people fall in love
Slow and forever
Terrifying and beautiful
I wanted her then and I want her now
But it's too late
And what I want I can't have

I am a wave
Searching for the shore
Is it a place or a soul
I do not know
I will crash and then reform
Because I can always grow
I am a wave
Searching for a home

2a.m. is when my mind goes to work
And of course it's dark magic mixed with mayhem
Of course it leaves me cold and vulnerable
This world is more corrupt than I thought it was
I grew up on playgrounds and forests
And nowadays kids grow up on streets and prepaid jail cells with body bags on standby
Our landfills filled with plastic and our waters polluted because profit is more important
But no one will really read this so my words hit the air and fall to the ground
Like the voices of young African Americans who have already been taken
And for some reason media portrays the good as bad and the bad as good
And black people are thugs
While white people have mental illness
I try not to judge
And I can't sleep at night
I worry about my brothers out there while trying to portray myself in a different light
My head won't stop spinning some times
I think we should all be as natural as possible
Free your mind from society and abnormalities
Try counting your money as you hold your breath
I'm afraid to be in debt
But education is what we need for a proper foundation
So why is the key to success so expensive
The 1% wants us to be helpless
They want us to struggle so they can reign supreme
It's no longer about happiness or following your dreams
It's become a way to just survive
And I don't know how I'm going to leave my parents house with the wages they provide
Maybe this is why depression is so common
We all know we're gonna die
But for some reason they don't want to see us thrive
My friend Tony was shot 7 times and the murderer is walking free
All because of his skin color and a badge
If that doesn't make you angry then you're part of the problem
When it gets late at night I don't know what I will start to ponder
I just know the world is messed up
And I'm afraid of the future
If we don't fix things it will never get better
So open your heart before you open your mouth
You might be surprised about what ends up coming out
So please listen to the world around you
Take into consideration that we are all here for a greater destination
I started writing this with the intention of a different message
But some things just shouldn't be kept quiet

I think I'm lacking passion
I think I'm heading straight for madness
I think my head is full and heart is numb
I don't have a clue where I belong
I work all day for a cause that is pointless to me
Creating money for people who wouldn't even care if I blew my head off
I come home to love that only exists because of blood
I think I'm failing at life
I think I'm failing at love
I think a mix of heartbreak and multiple concussions have ****** me up
And I don't think I'm gonna make it
Only the real people are seeing me fake it
I think I'm losing sight of who I am
I think it doesn't even matter if I stand here on this earth or leave
Either way people are going to live and breathe
And it's not like I don't matter
It's more like I'm wasted opportunities
A product with no potential
I think people wasted their time investing in something so experimental
I do think life is special
I don't think others see it that way
Settling down hurts my brain
I think I need to learn a new language
Or give up dairy
Maybe build a tree house
Or do something that scares me
Now I'm just getting off topic
I think I lack logic
While everyone else turns left or right
I stand in the middle tying my shoes
I really have nothing to lose
I think I'm already lost
I need to take care of myself but that seems like a lost cause
I think I'm funny
With great hair
But I'm unaware of my own abilities
I need someone to write them down for me
What is passion without a spark
I'm like wet matches
Just let me fizzle out
Just let me reach the dark side of this planet

I consist of a few small victories
And countless large defeats
Broken dreams and records on video games
Mixed with a shattered heart that's held together by silly string
I consist of atoms and star dust with traces of imagination and permanent brain bruises
I consist of my mother's depression and father's addiction with hints of my own demons
The battle between dark and darker
My veins are mainly lightening bolts and my bones are hand tools
My skin is paper mache and my organs are just empty soup cans
I consist of all my mistakes because my life basically is one large ping pong game of right and wrong
I walk on the boarder line between relapsing and being fully clean
My life consists of one giant horror story with small intervals of miracles
The ending is still unclear but I think it will all somehow fall into place
My brain is like a foam pit
The longer you stay in it, the harder it is to get out
My hopes consist of fears
And my fears consist of fears
I think I'm just scared 80% of the time
I wish I could say that I consist of healthy ways of coping
But I really consist of sinkholes in my arms and hurricanes in my liver
I'm a real winner
My eyes consist of greens and blues and sad realizations
Crushed spirits and untold riches
I consist of let downs and almost made its'
And everything I left behind somehow found me
Even when I changed my address more than 4 times
And one day I will consist of true love and new traditions
A house in the country and a passion I believe in
Getting there will be my greatest achievement
And I will look back at all the things I consisted of and only be left with one
I will be consisted of persistence

What is life
In the hands of someone who doesn't know what it is
A sunset
A long car ride
People always ask
But never recieve the correct answer
People look
But do not see
The truth behind the little things
But no one seems to belive me
Life can be a beautiful thing
Beauty from within
If everyone showed a little beauty
Beauty without sin
And I could walk forever
But never reach my destination
You'll find the truth
When you are ready to listen

Sometimes I feel like the only soul in a room full of ghosts
All floating around looking for a host
And I'm just standing there
Alone and waiting for something magical to happen
Like if I click my heels 3 times I'll somehow find where I belong
Or typing my name into a search engine will figure out who I am
Because honestly I feel like a foreigner
Constantly having my eyes glued to a map like I've never seen this place before
I stumble around and search for a greater meaning
Because what I'm feeling right now doesn't seem to satisfy me
My need to breathe something other than air is mesmerizing
Life to me isn't about sitting behind a desk because that doesn't teach me who I am
I was taught to believe that feeling like a stranger was ok
As long as its what's normal
And I stand in what feels like quick sand
I reach for a hand
But no one seems to see me
They all want me to be this great and all powerful thing
But I can't even figure out what's right from what's easy
And you expect me to enter the real world when all I've learned is what's in a textbook
Trigonometry won't help me solve the real problems in my life
But that's okay
Because getting A's is what really matters
I'll tell you what matters
Feeling like I belong somewhere when my whole life has been conformity
Social normity
And normity isn't even a word
But it somehow makes sense
I don't want to feel like the only soul in a room full of ghosts
I want to express my feelings that matter the most

A friend once asked me what my closet was like
I paused and looked at him
What was my closet like?
Oh it was a lovely place
Full of crushed dreams and self hate
Maybe I'll take you there sometime
What was my closet like?
It was full of people's words
People's judgement
God
Religion
Hell
Disease
People stare like there is something wrong with me
What was my closet like?
It was a jail cell
Where my individuality was suffocated by societies hands
Wrapped around my neck
Screaming at me to be normal
What was my closet like?
It was a small room in my parents house
I ran there when their fighting became unbearable
I'll just come out at a better time
What was my closet like?
It was a scary place
Like the deeps of hell
I tried to climb out
But the devil had me *******
******* by own fears
If I get out people will hate me
My friends and family will abandon me
I will have nothing
When this boy asked me what my closet was like
I wanted to punch him
As if my closet were an old friend who I hadn't seen in awhile
Like I was supposed to list detail after detail of my life inside this cage
Like it wasn't a big deal
How can you be so blind
My closet
Killed everything inside me
When I came out I was reborn
What was my closet like?
He asked
I put my hand over his mouth so he couldn't talk
That's what its like
I said

When she was little
The world revolved around the little things
The way the raindrops slid down the window
How the leaves changed
How two people could portray so much hate

When she was little
The world seemed to show a different light
Not necessarily bright
But a low gleam
Always being covered by negativity

As she grew up
Life seemed to knock her down
The ground became her home
The light became unknown
Love became a shallow hole of uncertainty

Now she struggles between the light and the dark
Looking for a new start
If you know her
You show her unconditional love
She walks through life
With an undeniable weight on her shoulders
But you hold her
And show her that life is more than what it seems
And she believes you
Has faith in you
So hold to the truth
We all have things we don't want to lose

She is now at a crossroads
And where to go is unclear
But she can't live with fear
Her past is one big nightmare
As she gets older
Those little things begin to grow
And she begins to show signs of fighting
Igniting her insides
Don't believe all the lies
I am who I am
If you don't understand
Don't bother opening your mouth

She is no longer little
So remember her name
She believes in fame

I am from the church that held my family together
From the closet where I placed my roots and set up camp
I'm from my grandma's tough love and fresh chocolate chip cookies
From my father's stubbornness and my mothers mind
I'm from the neighborhood with no kids and mean dogs
I'm from spaghetti on Christmas and midnight mass
I'm from "God loves you as long as you are straight"
I'm from the corner of sarcastic and *******
From bad dreams and good attitudes
I'm from my ability to hold on when I know I should let go
From secret notes and posts expressing judgement
I am from loving hands and healing hearts
From painful memories and fresh starts
I am exactly who I am meant to be because of the experiences given and taken from me

My whole life has consisted of whether or not I should be "here"
And when you ask where "here" is
I can't really tell you
I guess "here" is wherever I feel like going
Or maybe its where I'll figure everything out
And sure I could take pills that alter my sense of happiness
Put something into my system that will somehow make me feel better about my situation
But honestly
I can sit "here" and say that I am thankful for my life
And maybe I have more bad days then good ones
But I would never trade my few good days
With many all because of something changing the chemicals in my brain
And I was made to feel pain
But I can choose how I deal with it
And I might not have the best coping techniques
But believe me
I wouldn't give up my life for anything
My parents always looked at me like something was wrong
Not knowing that every fight they had made me strong
I think I rely on my friends too much
But without them
I wouldn't be where I am
So when I say I don't know if I should be "here"
Don't take it as a sign of depression
I've always found that I'm more happy around certain people
And I'm realizing that very soon I won't always be around those people
I'm scared to lose the ones that I love
And no pill will ever replace the feeling I get when I'm with the people that I love
Whenever I think about leaving
I don't think about leaving this earth anymore
I think about leaving the people who have kept me alive
As much as I need to leave
I don't want to leave them behind

White walls hold secrets
I'm sorry we haven't spoken
I haven't really been sleeping I always wake up choking
I know you won't understand why but this life has been eating me alive
These blank walls hold demons and have left me broken
And now that you know by reading this letter
Nothing will ever keep me from heaven
So please find a way to forgive me
And hold onto my things because that's where you will see me
And I've added my name to the list of forsaken
I've decided to take myself out of the equation
I know you'll be mad and forever sad
But this ship can no longer keep me afloat
White walls hold secrets

And that's all that she wrote

I was taught to be myself
That knowledge was the best kind of wealth
That I would grow up to be someone great
Now that's all demolished because of the hate
Trying to find myself
In a world full of lost people
Is like trying to find a piece of hay
In a pile full of needles
Everywhere I go
I get poked
People with all their gay jokes
Or the ones who try and tell me that God doesn't love me
Oh I'm sorry I didn't know you spoke for the Big Man up above me
And people ask the dumbest question
I feel obligated to give sarcastic answers
See the ones who judge me
Are usually the ones who don't know me
I can be your best friend
Or your worst enemy
It all depends on how you treat me
And people usually don't understand
That I'll be hated forever
Even if I can get married anywhere
Hatred will live on forever
Which we shouldn't be proud of
And what will our children think
When they look back at our history
Oh they hated gay people
Like that's some big mystery
See I could talk about this all day
I'll take my pride all the way to my grave
Live each day as if it were my last
While you're busy hating me
I'll just look at you and laugh

She is now just words
Just ink that flows out of my pen
And thoughts that form in my head
She is the wind
She is the time it takes to mend my heart
And I think that's beautiful
Knowing I have my own personal angel
My own glimpse into my future
Knowing Heaven is real because I know she was accepted
She is my heartbeat
The stars in my eyes
The fire in my mind
True love is immeasurable

I am my writings
Just stories that display the makings of who I am
And everything I wish to be
I am pain
I am destruction to the things I hold dear
And the carpenter that puts it all back together
Knowing that I am equally as catastrophic as I am productive
My own personal triumph and demise
Knowing I won't make it unless I give in
I am abundant
Millions of atoms
Immense possibility
My growth determines my value

I am my dark mind and her choices
I am her love and my doubt
I am everything I took from her and what I kept for myself
She was every chance I ever had at true love
And I will always blame myself

She's the type of person who is annoyingly independent
Who won't ask for help or show any signs of struggling
She won't go against her faith for petty sin
Won't turn her back on the people who made her whole again
She's the type of person who will follow her dreams
Even when they take her far away
Will stand up for what's right even when everyone thinks she's wrong
She jumps full force into love but will back away to where its safe
You would never know her problems or secrets unless you ask
And I mean a million times
She smiles at the people who hate her and never gives them the satisfaction they desperately crave
She doesn't feed into drama
You won't find her doing anything she doesn't want too
But she'll surprise you when does something unexpected
You know she cares more then she will say
And you always know that as long as you are real
She will be real with you
Whether she believes it or not, you look up to her
She holds wisdom far beyond her years
And all you can do is thank her

I feel like the words I say and the thoughts in my head
Never quite match up
The words I feel
And the words I say
Always get jumbled
And I'm left discouraged while shaking my head
I feel like what's in my heart and what people see
Don't always agree
I can be sweet
But don't mess with me
If I could record what's in my heart and play it like a DVD
Telling the girl how I feel
Would be the easiest thing
And yet
I take my words and somehow translate them into emotions
Just two minutes of honesty to one day show them
That I am more then I appear
I somehow find a way to show people that I am real
I sometimes feel like my words are never sincere
And yet I never stop talking
So maybe I'll learn to shut up
Maybe then I won't ***** up
Sometimes I make jokes so I don't break down
Maybe if I keep talking
I can make people believe that every little thing isn't always what it seems
So now I'll just keep smiling

I don't know what goes on in this house
I don't know what I've been watching all these years
Pushing through the screaming, threatening and tears
Searching for the light that is supposed to be at the end of this tunnel
But I feel like I'm in a funnel
Spinning around and around
And when it stops
I'm left dizzy and confused
Waiting for the words "I'm sorry" and "I love you"
Growing up it was like World War 3
I was the soldier
And my enemies
Were called mom and dad
And looking back
This house that I have lived in
Was a battlefield
Where blood was shed and hearts were broken
Where I heard countless times "I hate you" "get out" "I wish I had never married you"
I was led to believe that home was a war zone
And I was left alone
To sit there and watch
Hoping to be rescued
Or woken from a lifelong nightmare
My pain became as real as the threats they said
My anger became as sharp as the knives they held
My home became my worst fear
And these walls became my fight for freedom
Home is where the heart is never applied to me
My home was full of hatred and countless enemies
If only they could see how many shots they've fired at me
And what its been like living in a constant World War 3

I try to focus on who I will become
Not who I was
I try to focus on where I'm going
Not where I've been
I try to focus on what I've accomplished
Not all the times I've failed
And you look at me with no faith
Trying to act like you made me the person I am today
I wish I wasn't connected to you
I wish I didn't resemble you
Because who I am
That's not because of you
It's because of me
I am who I am
Because I promised myself
That I wouldn't end up like you