Love comes through like waves
Pushing and pulling at the ground
Crashing into the calm
We all want what we can't have
And if I could
I would come in like a sudden burst of life
Love is beautiful and messy
And you are caffeine and sunshine
With splashes of watercolors
And I can't properly contain you and even if I could
You are meant to be seen
By everyone
Because masterpieces like you should not be kept away
And you are the crash of the ocean and the sun that fades into it
Everything abrupt and breathtaking
If I could just bottle up what you are to me
Then I could just reach into my pocket and have my happiness

You have entered my mind
I'm trying to give it time
But you've set up camp in my subconscious
Playing tricks and chopping me down
Bringing me to a state of vulnerability
So people will think you're winning somehow
Well you've got me
I'm losing control
I know you've been watching
But to you its not old
It's just beginning
Can you please let me sleep one night
Without sending me images that make me scream
If you hurt the ones I love
You will be the one who bleeds
I know you are underestimating me
Just like I underestimated you
You might of got past the cameras
But my eyes are set on you
Push me one more time
And I won't stay in line
The thoughts in my head would make even the toughest man cry

I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed
For you to come and save the day
My sun was gone
My skies were gray
But then you left and went away
So I prayed
And I prayed for you that night
I gave everything so you could shine
So please stay away
I can't breathe when you're around
Leave it at bay
I'm trying to stay above the ground
So I prayed
Then you burnt me with that cigarette
So I caved
Now I'm here with these regrets
And now I don't pray
Cause you took all the faith in me
Now I pay
Every night when I can't sleep
Pray for me

I remember when I set boundaries
Because that seemed more logical than free falling
I remember when you asked to kiss me
Because my fear created roadblocks that stopped you before you got too close
I remember holding your hand under the table at the restaurant
Because if people saw they would ask questions
Our life choices somehow brought us together
My love for you will live forever

I remember texting you to meet in the bathroom at the fair grounds
Because we were separated
I remember falling asleep on you in the van
Because long days equaled short nights
And I hated watching you walk away
I remember writing poems about being scared to love
Only resulting in me telling you I loved you while tears streamed down your face
I went from being scared to take one step forward to completely running full force into your life
I don't regret anything
I will make you my wife

I remember falling
I remember all of the little things pointing me to you
If only life had brought us together sooner
We both wouldn't have had to endure so much pain
I would have spent my days watching over you
Because life is a game
And you are my finish line
The only thing left is to take your name and start the rest of my life being so naturally happy

I should tell you I'm disaster
Sweet painful disaster
Fading in and out of this world like sound
I should tell you I'm broken
With sharp edges and tiny pieces
You can't put my back together with glue and some patience
I should tell you
Before someone else does
That I fall into love like it's a bed and I haven't slept for weeks
I will fall so deep into your life that you will need a rescue team and a country full of prayers to get me out
Because someone once told me to jump and I didn't even look to make sure I would land right
I jumped and hit the ground and felt my heart shatter because the impact was too much
You can't fake this kind of pain
The kind of pain that leaves every muscle clenched and yet you are numb
I should tell you that I have a past
And I look for someone with a past
I should tell you that I like to fix things
Like broken doors and windows and people
But soon you realize that your tool box and duct tape can't save every piece of beautiful craftsmanship
Every breathtakingly gruesome artifact
I should tell you I lost someone
Someone who took part of me with her
And maybe if I knew where they put her
I could retrieve that missing component
I should tell you that I should be dead
But for some reason the gun didn't go off like it was supposed to
You should tell me I'm lucky
I should tell you I'm not so sure

I've ran from myself for far too long
I'm all caught up
To see where I am now
I have to look back at where I began
The sky is mixed with colors because I can finally see
My hands are right in front of me
Lead me to the promise land
Let me bathe under the sun
The only thing I want to feel is the rain and how it runs
There's no need for fear or doubt
Let the stars guide me home
The only thing I've ever had
The only thing I know
I've learned to breathe more deeply
I've learned to take it in
And knowing I'm only 24
I've learned to live again

You are my downfall
But I'm okay with that
I would live on my knees forever

I used to think love was easy
I looked at her
She looked at me
Connection
Simple
I used to think love was easy
If she made me happy
Then I obviously made her happy
We didn't make each other happy
We were just along for the ride
I used to think love was easy
Like if I just tried a little harder
We could make it work this time
If I just proved that my love was more than my words
It would be fine
I used to think love was easy
Like on TV
Holding hands and laughing
Hoping that someone was writing a script for us to play out
That way it could seem real
I used to think love was easy
Like it just jumped out in front of us
Saying here I am
I'm yours
This is where you belong
I used to think love was easy
That's why there are so many love songs
We can write them like we know what we're talking about
They seem so true
So real
I used to think love was easy
Until I met you
And I had to try to love you
My words became salty and dry in my mouth
They didn't come easily
Like they should be
I used to think love was easy
Until I fell in love with you

I vow to be your safe haven
Your umbrella when the rain starts to fall
The words you can't speak
And the support beams that keep your chin up

I vow to be your late night conversations
Your early morning coffee
The sun beams through the window of our first house
And every home cooked meal

I vow to be your favorite pain in the ***
Your "let's kiss and make up"
The ultimate one woman fan club
And the most embarrassing cheerleader

I vow to always find you
In any galaxy or dimension
Across the world or across the street
Because I know true love always finds a way

I vow to love you
All of you
Every second of the day and doubled when we are sleeping
Because I no longer have to dream of this
My reality is finally better than my most desired fantasies

I vow to live this life with you
Forever

I wait for your phone call
I wait for the relieving text message where you say everything was a lie
I wait and sit and wonder
I cry until my eyes hurt
Until I can't breathe
Until everything becomes blurry behind my tears
Until I fall asleep
Until I see you again

I read our old messages
I play back old conversations in my head until I can't tell if they are real or not
I sit and picture your face, your eyes, your smile
I think of everything I did wrong
Until I hate myself
Until I regret pushing you away
Until living without you seems like a waste of time
Until I can't think of loving anyone else but you

I wait for the day I will wake up and still have you in my life
I wait for this nightmare to be over
I pray that it's a joke
I wonder if I did this to you
Until I go numb
Until I think about the last time I told you I loved you and whether or not you believed me
Until I think about the phone call when your mother told me you were dead

I wait and wait and wait
Until I see a text saying you still love me

Why did I always ignore them

I want to celebrate my life
I want long hugs and painful laughs
Late night drives and midnight mass
I want my family to be fixed and my friends close to me
Because drinking and cutting are not the things I want for me
I want to live again
I want my dreams to be free and unhinged
I want my mind clear with vast horizons so I know things will be okay again
I want people to be proud of me
I want trust and appreciation
Because I won't go anywhere unless you are there
Why is this so hard again
Being surrounded by good people doesn't always mean that you will be good too
I want to prove to you that I can do this because proving it to myself doesn't give me satisfaction
I want real life again
Not the numbness from alcohol that only kept my spirits up for brief moments until reality came knocking me to the ground
I want pain that is worth fighting through
I want to know that I will come out on top so I know to keep pushing
I want Jackie Harrington
In all her forms and states of mind
With all her flaws and ideas of life and how to cope
I want her with all the emotions and turmoil that comes with her ongoing struggles
Everything that makes her human
I want to accept all of it
Because dealing with issues and coping with them are two different things
And I want to cope with myself rather than accept my fate
Because someone special once told me that I was the strongest person she knew
And for the first time I don't want to prove her wrong

I want nothing more than my future kids to live in peace
To see their mothers hand in hand
Feeling nothing but free
I want them to feel unconditional love from us
Unlike me when I grew up
If I can one day look at my kids and feel proud
I know I did my job
Because it doesn't always take a mother and father
Only love
I want nothing more than my future kids to feel accepted
To stand tall knowing they have two mothers
And maybe to others
That's not normal but they couldn't picture it any other way
One day
There won't be straight and gay marriage
One day
We won't have laws and restrictions
One day
Opinion about religion won't be a contributing factor
I want nothing more than to be equal to everyone else
We aren't fighting for special rights
We want what everyone else already has
One day my family will be called normal
Until that day
I will let my words do the explaining

**** I want you
And I don't just mean physical
I want you at 3A.M. when you're shaking and crying from your insecurities
And I want you at 4P.M. when you come bursting through the doors with 5 bags in your hands
I want you when you it's cold outside and when the sun is beating down
I want you every day of the week and twice on Sundays
I want to know who your hero's are
Who you can't stand
What makes you laugh uncontrollably
I want to learn about your past and make you excited for your future
I want you when you are full of affection
And I want you when you can't stand to be around me
Most of all
Even when there seems to be no light around us
I will always be here wanting you

I wish I could ask her if she ever made the soccer team
I used to watch her play for hours until she fell to the ground
Exhausted
With a smile that could steal your innocence
I wish I could ask her if she learned that difficult piece on the violin
The one that she struggled with for weeks
I would call her on the phone when I couldn't sleep and ask her to play
I wish I could kiss her again
Because the one we used to say goodbye became so brief that it got swept away before I could make it a memory
I didn't know it would be our last
I wish I could hear her laugh
At my jokes about dinosaurs and God
Or when she would steal my hats
I wish I could show her my poetry
She liked to analyze every word and correct my spelling
I wish I didn't have to feel this pain without anyone to feel it with me
I wish it was me instead of her
I wish I could take her place
She used to tell me that I was her heartbeat
I wish I could hear her say that one last time

I wish I had wings
More than anything
I wish I could leave everything behind
Or put all negativity to the side
I wish I could say goodbye
To the people who chose to lie
I wish hate didn't exist
I wish my parents would tell me they love me
I wish I could say "I'm gay"
And not have to worry
I wish I could see my grandfather
I wonder if he is okay with who I am
I wish love had no gender
And we could all just be happy that we found someone to make everything better
I wish I could sit here and wipe away my tears and know that I am stronger than my fears
I wish there were only happy tears
And that sadness was just a rumor
I wish I could control my anger
Instead of lashing out
I would problem solve
Because for some reason every time my dad comes stumbling in
I just can't control it
Every time he tells me he didn't want me
I loose all feeling
I really wish my parents would say they love me
Maybe then when other people say it I might believe them
I wish I could predict the future
Just to make sure I turned out alright
Or maybe to prove to people that I can actually accomplish something
I don't know what I'd do
If all they wishes came true
Right out of the blue
But most of all I wish these wishes didn't need to come true

You call me an inspiration
Overcoming all this devastation
I don't feel any different
Beneath my skin
Is every hurtful word said
Laid out in chronological order
Starting from the day I decided to be myself
Instead of hiding behind doors meant for clothes
And you can say I had it easy
You can say I took all of the glory
But you know my name
You don't know my story
And my story is written on my arms
Written in notebooks
Where my notes should be
Instead I have outlines
About how much you meant to me
And I was told to pay attention
Listen to today's lesson
But I had already learned mine
I was two days ahead of time
And why apologize
When all you do is speak lies
I don't want your pity
Or your comments that you think are witty
So please save your half hearted words of encouragement
I don't need your secondhand prayers
Just let me be myself
And I won't need to cuss you out
Or live with doubt
About the way people see me
Everyone wants to be seen rather than heard
But my words are the only way I'm visible
So why cut out my tongue
Then ask why I am not outspoken
Or some lesbian token
Just because I don't shed tears in front of you
Doesn't mean that I don't feel pain
You asked me why I wanted to **** myself
And I told you I wanted to be happy
A life without me seems almost perfect
But people tell me I'm worth it
So it must be true
I can look at the sky a thousand times
And still wonder why its blue

I take you in like my last J
Come fill me up
Overfill my cup
I give too much but that's okay
At the end I'm me
Tell me it's enough
Oh darling do you see right through me?
I know I've chipped away
Apparently you never knew me
Or you would have stayed
I'm just a lost girl
Living in a lost world
Til I found you
Only you were lost too

Your walls are up
And I know why
You don't want to sacrifice
What's left of your life
You hold your heart in your hands
Wanting to let go of it
Hoping someone's there to catch it

I can tell you've been through a lot
By the way you hold your head to the sky
And I can tell that you wanna be loved
Even though it comes at a cost
But doesn't it sound so sweet
To be with me
Cause I know it takes a lot

And I know that when you push me away
Not to take it personal
And part of me knows you want me to stay
So just say the words
And I'll stay

Dear God,
Hi I know I promised to talk to you more but I can't seem to find the words
Please take care of everyone that I couldn't
Please take care of everyone up there and everyone down here that I can't protect
I thought I would have already seen you
I thought I would have already seen your golden gates
But I haven't always kept my promises
I used to see you everywhere and now I only seem to see you when I need something
Please don't take it personally I just don't know how to rely on myself yet
Please don't give up on me I have so much to learn
My head is empty and willing to absorb everything you have to teach me

Dear God,
I'm mad at you
Why didn't you answer my prayers?
Why didn't you answer when I called out to you?
I know you heard me
I know you knew I wanted to die
I know you have seen my scars
And yet you never answered
But I'm here right?
So if this is you working in mysterious ways
We both know I won't figure it out
Please just show yourself

Dear God,
Thank you
For bringing me Katy, Ashlie, and Desiree
I know there are many more to name but these three are your greatest work
They wouldn't let me see you right away
Watch over them always
And when I'm gone be their best friend
Without you I would not know them so I am eternally grateful
Miracles happen each day and they are living proof
So thank you

Dear God,
I love you

Dear Kai
I remember the goodbye letter you wrote me the first time you were placed in the hospital
Here is my response
I'm sorry that I could not see how amazing you were
It's hard to see the beautiful things when you are constantly covered by darkness
I know you were fully committed to me but constant doesn't seem to be in my vocabulary
And consistency gives me anxiety
The fact that you couldn't see your true potential bothers me
Anyone who can love me must be pretty special
I want you to know that I haven't forgiven myself
The fact that I left you dangling doesn't make me sound all that great
And when I needed you you were there within minutes
For some reason I couldn't do the same for you
I don't really know if I can let this go
1 year without you and I have nothing to show
And if I had only known
I would have stayed
I would have stayed
You just needed someone to stay
Someone who cared
Your parents blamed me but they were never really there
They blamed me so they wouldn't feel guilt
They tore down everything you built
They took you away from me and my love
I wanted a program from your funeral
They said I was out of luck
I just wanted to say goodbye one last time
The last thing I said should have been I love you
Instead I told you not to talk to me
I always think that will solve everything
Why do I hurt the ones who care about me
Kai you deserved better
Even though you thought I was perfect
I always knew I wasn't worth it
And I can't explain how sorry I am
If I had tears left I would be crying right now
I just wish you were here so we could talk
I should have stayed instead of walked

Death doesn't scare me
I'm afraid of what I'll miss
If I'll be missed
But I am afraid to lose people
Lose relationships
Life is about moments
About being devoted
Death comes along
And you hope you are strong
But we never know
If I tell you I love you
You know I mean it
Don't leave it
And if you know its coming
Do you run from it?
Or is embracing it to scary?
Holy Marry
Protect the ones I love
And the ones up above
I do not wish to live in fear
When my time is near
I will open my arms and accept my final moments
Because life is about doing what you love
So when you leave
You leave happy
Moments are not moments until you kiss the sun and hold it
Being 100% content with everything
Feeling weightless and at ease
Death is not a scary thing
I would rather die young and happy
Then live a long life full of numbness
And you can't judge a persons life based on their time frame
You look at how they made things change
How they spent each day
I say this because at one time I didn't treasure life
I regretted every decision I made
I didn't want to fight
Because death is easy
Life... is what we need to be afraid of

What I've learned about death
Is that it can creep up on you
And steal your sunshine
Break your windows
And let the cold in
It can leave you devastated
To the point where you have to rebuild

What I've learned about life
Is that its the biggest blessing
The greatest gift
If you do it right
It can leave you totally satisfied
With the wind at your back
Only pushing you forward

What I've learned about death
Is that there are terrible ways to go
That make it seem like someone was worthless
You can find somebody totally unlike themselves
Mangled and bruised
Destroyed on the outside
But worse on the inside

What I've learned about life
Is that it can bring someone amazing
Someone intoxicating to point that it leaves you speechless
Bringing love like it was left at your doorstep
Only to realize that no one has ever made you feel more alive
And life would seem pointless without them
And you have no idea why

What I've learned about death
Is that it took away that special person
Took her without leaving anything for me to hold onto
It exploited her weaknesses
And took advantage
Only bringing heartache
Leaving me nothing but the rest of my life to live without her

I believe a child is taught to hate
Just like they learn the alphabet
Kids are taught to judge based on society and our ignorant ways
Gender, skin color, religion, physical appearances
Hate is started like a small fire then quickly grows to destroy every inch of humanity
Why do we think we are born with it?
A baby doesn't see black or white
Gay or straight
Girl or boy
They see people
A limitless source of love
As soon as they start to understand concepts they see how we act
They see racism, sexism, homophobia
The way we treat the poor and disabled
How we treat each other
When we plant two flowers side by side
They don't think about what the other is doing
They just grow
They grow and live together
Why are we teaching little kids to hate
We can stop hate and ignorance by showing new generations respect
Equality is knocking on our doorsteps
Let it in
Limitless love is possible
If we can just show it

Little blessing
You are already so loved
This world will be hard
You will fall and cry
But your mom and dad will pick you up
And your crazy family will keep you laughing
As you grow
This world will grow with you
And love will fill you
Little blessing
You are in for one fun ride
Hold on tight
Little blessing
We can't wait to see who you become

Minds are dark places
When all you can do is lay in bed nothing is safe anymore
There is no fear or insecurity that is off limits
I can't escape
Even in my dreams they follow me
Death just seems so easy
And I know it's selfish believe me
I am trying not to act how I feel
Everything is becoming real
Depression creeps up from the ground and encloses my body
Covering every crack and gapping hole because it knows I'm already empty
Because the only thing that fuels fear is more fear
And everyday I take a heaping dose of doubt and play my usual role
The need to bleed is very prevalent
But I don't even want to try anymore
Because the more I say I'm fine the more I don't care
And why should I?

You are probably wondering where I have been
I got lost for awhile
My hands could not hold on to my dreams anymore so I drifted away
The hourglass continued to run and time no longer served a purpose to me
I left for the mountains and hoped I would find that small flame once again
My legs collapsed underneath me and I decided to stay on the ground
My life stopped and no amount of faith or empty words could get me to where I needed to be
I stopped writing because I didn't think I had anything left to say
Broken pencils and crumpled up paper filled my floor and I was still empty
I've learned that people change people
And no amount of love that I could muster up would have been able to fill your soul
The sky bright with colors but I could only see in black and white
No amount of change could get me off the streets and back into your embrace
I was lost because I wanted to be
The map back to my old self was expired and I could no longer be the thing that everyone loved to throw away
If you are wondering where I've been then you have not been looking close enough
I am where I always am
In between my need for a blade and other people's approval
Because I am a mix of my father's disappointment and my mother's half lived life
He can never get things right
And she refuses to live fully
And I am equally her's as I am his
Life is only worth it if you put something into it
I haven't written because what more can I say
I'm coming back from the edge with empty pockets and messy hair
It shows that I haven't collected much and that I haven't been anywhere

We fall for a love we know nothing about
And we stay
And I give despite the lack of love I have for myself
Love is hypocrisy
Love is unrelenting
Love is listening to a dial tone from a number that isn't even on anymore
Because maybe there is a chance someone will answer
Even when you know for a fact it won't be the person you want
We all strive for the type of love we think will move mountains for us
But we won't even cross a puddle for ourselves
And she said she loved me
When in all honesty she loved the idea of unconditional love
But attached to a different person
And I can't really be mad about that
But I still try
And why do I feel like I have to give more love than I receive
Otherwise people will leave me
Love can be so backwards
And if love is only connected to genitals than I am so far from love it's ridiculous
But if it is related to happiness
Than the girl with the soft brown hair and even softer brown eyes is who I want to love
And she knows
And she doesn't change the love she has for me which resembles more of like a sister than a lover
Which I'm okay with
Because at 3am I don't really need a lover
So in this case love is spot on
And she's ******* me
But only when she knows I need it
Otherwise she is kind and makes me feel like the sun was made to shine on my face
And that my friends is real love
The kind of love that can get you through your darkest days
Sometimes love can be kind of perfect
And she knows that when I call I don't really want to talk about my day
So she says something that she knows will make me laugh
Love is her
And if I can't make her laugh just as much then I know she is struggling
Love is knowing when to shut up and listen
We fall for a love we know nothing about
And sometimes we end up learning more about ourselves than our lovers
And that is just as powerful

She has a mind older than her time
She walks with the confidence of a warrior
And talks like she's been through it once or twice
You never quite understand why she hides behind her sunglasses
And then she takes them off
I was afraid to talk to her
Her facade put me off and I held back
Then we were stuck together
She doesn't fully understand emotion
But understands pain all too well
I let her in because it's lonely and I enjoy her company
She hesitates to let me in because she knows how cramped a dark mind can be
Her face is flawless
Even her scars aren't really marks
They represent fights and battles and nothing is more beautiful than a survivor
I think I like her
When everything was falling around me
She held up the walls
Love intertwines through her fingers but she never has full grasp
If you didn't know her
You would think that her universe was made of giant organisms that all seem to unfold over one another
But in reality her life is made of small moments that seem to be endless and almost heartbreaking
She knows how to shut me up and get me going all at the same time
Her smart mouth both irritates and intrigues me
Our back and forth banter is always appreciated after a long day
And when I put that blade to my arm her voice appears slapping me in the subconscious
Her words hold the regret away from my skin
She doesn't even know that she saved my life
Her constant spew of encouragement keeps my knees from buckling and my legs from hitting the ground
I can tell her everything
Even the things that scare me and don't make sense but she listens
She takes them all in as if they were her own burdens
She takes them on even when she is caring her own
I know she doesn't feel the same way but she feels like home
She feels like stability
She feels like the warm hug and embrace from everything you've been searching for
Her love works like a fire
Keep it going and it will never fail you
Let it die and it will never be the same
Let me come in with oxygen and a steady beat
Her presence makes me feel complete

You made me feel invalid
As if my feelings were not allowed to be shared
And I should be hollow inside
You made yourself the ruler
Taller than everyone
Keeper of right and wrong
And I always seemed to be wrong
You used my humor against me
And I began to question my words
Acting as if you didn't know my intentions
You put blame on your past
Using it as your playing chip
Your 'get out of jail free' card
Verifying your inability to see hypocrisy
You punished me
Distanced yourself to make me suffer
Watched me beg for forgiveness
Until you felt better
You shared my past
As if it was just another book for you
Giving others the power to hold me in the palm of their hands
You were the only one who could feel
The only one who could hurt
The only one who could yell or turn their back
The only one could be big
And I let you
I chose loving your abuse over loving my sanity
Love really is blind
Pain is all seeing
And I'm sorry other people made you this way
You had power that would have lasted a lifetime
And I would have stayed weak for you

She has this calmness about her
The type that can clear the storms out of your head
You can sense her love
Even through miles that consist of treacherous paths and the monsters that haunt you
She is more than just a pretty face and working hands
She is gut wrenching
She is life that moves in slow motion
Creating the ability to see everything that unfolds
She is life shattering, bone crushing force
That leads you into all things that stabilize your constant need for overthinking
She is pure light
Breaking the sound barrier between hearts
And nothing you say will ever measure up
There is a method to the madness
She draws in nonbelievers and skeptics
She bends time into single moments
Dangling dreams and memories from her fingertips
She will never reveal her full self but that's what keeps you enticed
She will break every fiber of your being
Every particle and atom that makes up the molecular structure of your soul
And then she will sit by your bed and keep watch as you heal
Never making up her mind

And you will love every moment of it

I remember the way my chest felt
Like when you reach the top on a roller coaster and you are waiting to fall
You lift out of your seat and you stomach rises into your lungs
That's when I knew I was going to love you
I remember walking into that hat shop in downtown Denver
One of my favorite places ever
Helping you wear a beanie properly
Pushing the hair away from your forehead
Putting my arm around you in the midst of bright lights and strangers
We were alive and unafraid
And I remember making a choice
Between falling or walking away
But none of that mattered
Because we were now in a new state
With sand and mountains and cacti
We were falling in love in the desert
Thousands of miles from our homes
Young and stupid
I remember the ring
The room
The way you felt up against my skin
And then I remember how it hurt
Hurt to breathe
To form sentences
To hold back my tears
It hurt to live
It hurt to stand alone in my own presence
To see you as someone completely different
I remember the alcohol
And the street
The sound of cars as they rushed passed me unaware of my existence
I can't remember our last kiss
Today I remember our love
Our seemingly perfect life together
Our almost 1 year anniversary
And one day I will forget
The color of your eyes
Your tattoos
Kissing you in the mornings
But I will never forget this day
I will never forget laying in my cot with you pressed against me
Asking to be my girlfriend
I will never forget loving you

I want to leave a message to my past self
You saw the world from a pin sized hole in a plastic cup
That never seemed to let enough sunshine in
You saw each day as an unbearable 24 hours
Each second made you shrivel up inside your own skin
Everything that would take you away seemed so close
Like soul on soul interaction seemed more logical
You never once saw anything in you
Other than blood and organs that just proved that you were nothing special
Everyone else seemed to have them too
You played a game of chess with yourself ensuring that you wouldn't lose
You were weak
And I mean bone snapping from a gust of wind, weak
Every blow left another hole
You didn't want to die
You wanted to be saved
Find a stable place
Where the walls didn't cave
You held on by fingertips
Off a cliff
Called your life a cliffhanger
You ached for something real and humble to bring you relieve
You searched for it in everything
You loved enough for two people
That's why your relationships failed
And in the end the only thing that made sense was hurting yourself
Taking bits and pieces of the inner workings of the things you held onto
Ripping away everything that made you human
I want you to know that I won't let you hurt anymore
Your biggest enemy has always been yourself
I won't give up on you

I want to leave a message to my past self

You're okay now
I took care of it

You don't want to do this
Despite everything your demons say
This will not change how you feel
This will not change what she did
It won't change the fact that your pride is more important than talking to your dad
It won't make you feel alive
It won't make you forget
And I know it's all you've known for 7 years
But your mind was cloudy back then
And now you have choices
Put the knife away
I don't even know why you bought it in the first place
You knew it would tempt you
But I want it
No, you want to numb yourself
You want the rush and then the drop
The high it gives you
But it helps me
Oh Jackie
You poor lost soul
A self created version of who you used to be
You don't even compare to the original
You create this idea in your head that this self inflicted coping mechanism is the only thing saving you
That without it you would stir and suffer in silence
And your scars are your battle cries
They yell for you
They show your story
You think this is what makes you human
This is what it means to feel
I don't think I can stop
You have to
Or it will **** you
I know you don't like to think like that but you have to
Society won't do anything for you
These people won't protect you
The blade can't be the one who connects you to reality
And if you keep going it will only break you more
And honestly I don't know how much you have left

We met over the flat lands of dream chasing
Where our common passion and will brought us 13,000 feet into the stars
Fire pits and lunch bells had never brought people closer to a reachable goal
She was the definition of beauty
With quiet hints of fire and eloquence
She could move mountains
And that's what she did
You could see it in her eyes
True desire for completion
She grew as tall as the trees we were surrounded by
And they could not contain her
She was as free and bold as the mountain peaks we lived on
As calm and gentle as the breeze that embraced us each morning
And as mysterious as the secrets she never told
The rocky paths we took jolted our heartbeats and shook our cores
But brought us to our destinies
She wanted nothing more than to be a small ripple in that lake
A small dose of change in a world that needed something more
She became my rock
That supported me on my way to self discovery
She never chipped
She never cracked under the heat or pressure
She watched as I burned everything that made me who I was
She became the wind that blew me into the right direction
And the trails that lead me home safely
That mountain captivated us only for a short moment
But she is still captivating me to this day
And nothing was more breathtaking then the views from Mingus Mountain
Until I left the mountain and really looked at her

Mom and Dad
Do you realize that your hate effects me
Mom and Dad
Do you realize that how you live reflects upon me
Mom and Dad
Do you know I just wish you would stop fighting
For ten minutes realize that we are watching
Mom and Dad
I can't learn how to be a good person if you don't show me
Mom and Dad
Do you understand that I want to get as far away as possible
That I want to keep running and never look back
Mom and Dad
I can't even remember the last time you said you loved me
Are you proud of me
Mom and Dad
I wish I could say all of this but you are too busy fighting
Do you even see me crying
Mom and Dad
Do you know that you both just make everything harder
I have no choice but to become stronger
Mom and Dad
You are starting to lose me
Mom and Dad
One day I will be gone
And you will ask what went wrong
Mom and Dad
I can no longer watch you destroy this family
I'm only 17
I can't take care of everything
Mom and Dad
I hate when you talk about one another
And look at my brother
He is only 11
He is starting to lose faith in Heaven
Mom and Dad
He doesn't deserve this
He shouldn't have to witness this
Mom and Dad
You need to get help
One day I wont be here to take care of him
One day I won't be here to explain to him what's going on
Or to reassure him that there is more to this world
Mom and Dad
While I am finishing this poem
You are fighting
Mom and Dad
Stop fighting and fix things

Should I run away
Or should I stay
Knowing that this environment will always lay in my brain
And I'm afraid
That someday
I won't turn out okay
But I can't stay
Locked away
In this prison of hate
People don't see
That it is destroying me
How can I be
Who I'm meant to be
When everything around me
Is disintegrating
And I am slowly dying
Trying to find a silver lining
When deep inside
It isn't worth trying to realize
That I don't deserve this
Its a hit and miss
Why should I try
To live inside a self destructive time bomb
Its just too strong
To take on
So I'll move along

When I look back and think about my closet
Dark
Small
Prison
I think of all my fears cramped in one small space
Just waiting to break free and be released
I think of all the hateful words said
All the looks
All the whispers
Thinking that my closet was my safe haven
Only to realize that my closet was slowly killing any hope of being myself
Realizing that if I stayed in there
I would be setting an example
That being real is too scary
That being 100% is not worth it
But stepping out showed freedom
Freedom to think how I wanted
Freedom to dress how I wanted
Freedom to hold her hand
Freedom to say "I love this girl"
My closet was the scariest place
Somewhere that told me to stay
Stepping out meant being vulnerable
Closets aren't about vulnerability
They are about restrictions
Alienation
My closet was my biggest enemy
My hater
A total threat
My actions speak louder than my closets scariest images in my head
Don't think that your closet is there to help you
Protect you
Break free
And be who you want to be

I've always struggled with writing about God because lately I feel like my relationship with Him is almost nonexistent

I grew up like any normal Catholic kid. I was baptized, received reconciliation and first communion but never really felt His presence

In middle school the only thing reminding me that there even was a God was the fact that I went to church once a week and one of my classes had to be religion

8th grade my faith somehow became restored. I started believing for the first time ever that maybe I was worthy of being one of God's creations

High school came and I was in a sea of public school kids who would look at you funny if you said "God bless you" after someone sneezed. I no longer felt His presence.

My 10 months in AmeriCorps was this incredible journey. The amount of love and compassion was undeniable and yet I really didn't ever think about God. When times were hard I didn't turn to Him. When I was overwhelmed with happiness I didn't stop to thank Him.

I want to believe
I want there to be something more
Something bigger than this universe and the reason why I feel small
Everything doesn't really make sense to me
And the more I try to figure it out the more lost I get
Because when everything was crumbling around me, I didn't feel some all loving power
I felt the emptiness of my heart and the pounding in the back of my head
And I don't know if God is real or not
This is first time admitting that
I always had this fear that if I stopped believing God would reveal Himself and strike me down
But I am here
I am alive
And that has to mean something

You take my breath away
You sweep my feet out from under me
You catch me by surprise
When I look in your eyes
And I see
That you believe in me
Want me to succeed
You freeze all of the pain that is hibernating in my heart
You melt me down until you see nothing but emotion
Give me potion
That shows my weaknesses
Forcing me to turn them into strengths
And fate has brought you to me
Just keep smiling and I promise you'll never lose me
You know exactly what to say to bring me out of my dark place
And that's not easy
Ask anybody who knows me
You make my pain subside
And I realize
That I'm alive when you are near me
But you don't even see past the wall that's called friendship
You have all these dudes talking to you
But I'll treat you like a princess
I want to defend your honor
Harbor all the feelings I have
And write so they can make sense
Because honestly you've taken my sense of direction
My moral compass leads directly to you
Throw that thing in the garbage and I'll still go directly to you
You see you might not see that I believe in you and me
And if there is a you and me
I swear to love you unconditionally
You have my head spinning
And in my dizziness I only see you
You are the bright light that brings me out of the fog
You are my North Star
I look at you
And I'm home

A day consists of 24 hours
1,440 minutes
86,400 seconds
That average person takes about 20,000 breaths a day
Every second of every day is based around my recovery
Mind games
Distractions
How many times I can look in the mirror and tell myself no
At least 4
Maybe 5
3 on a good day
A person blinks almost 28,800 times in 24 hours
But sometimes I just stare
So I can focus on something other than my recovery
My addiction
My need for something other than what I can't have
I can hear my thought process
Sometimes it's quiet
Like when I'm asleep
Other times it's the only thing I hear
So I call her because she knows how to turn down the volume
She is my recovery
Because even for a split second everything is perfect when I see her
The amount of breaths I take double
The number of times I blink goes down rapidly
My need for recovery increases exponentially
She is the calm that flows over my body
The rush of oxygen to my brain
When she talks to me my number of bad days plummet
Because she loves me and I love her
So by hurting me I hurt her
My recovery is an ongoing process
That consists of 24 hours
1,440 minutes
86,400 seconds
Of me trying not to hurt myself
1 day turns into 1 victory
And when I tell her that over the phone I can sense that she is smiling
So 1 day really turns into 2 victories

I'm sitting here doing everything I can not to blame myself
I have no other answers
I'm contemplating the last thought that zoomed past your mind
Before you knew it was time
And if suicide was your only way out
How did you truly live your life
Is loving someone else possible
When all you did was sit and want to die
You said I was the reason you stayed
So I must of been the reason you drifted away
And whether or not I put that rope around your neck
I still hate myself to this day
How could I say I love you
But let you leave me
And believe me
This is not easy
Life is not easy
I can listen to everyone around me
Tell me that I wasn't selfish
But why is it that every time I close my eyes I see you
You smile and then you frown
My world gets turned upside down
What if I can't love someone the way I loved you
What if someone can't love me the way you loved me
What if I sit here for the rest of my life knowing that I let love slip through my fingers like its sand
And when you see sand you never think about each grain individually
You never appreciate someone until they're gone
Don't tell me that there are other fish in the sea
She was my sea

Life is what you make it
And I'll take it
Whether you believe in me
Or underestimate my ability
To make you feel something
We all have times when we don't want to feel something
Mistakes are just life lessons waiting to happen
My future is based on making things happen
And I happen to have adapted to your constant belittling
I have a feeling that my feelings don't appear to be anything but deceiving
Do you see me being an exact image of who I want to be
And that is somebody whose name is related to fame
For people to know where I came from but love me all the same
If not that's okay
I'm blessed to be here today
In the 6th grade that would of all changed
I'm changing to be creative
If I'm not creative then I feel outdated
Being outdated is beyond my amazement
The amount of amazement in our world today is dwindling
If you want to hate me I promise it doesn't offend me
And offending my personality is honestly a form of flattery
So it matters to me if you chose to succeed
I will be the only me that ever ceases to exist
So now I chose to exit this form of expression
With a smile on my face
And footsteps permanently engraved in this place today

Never date a writer
Those ******* will remember everything
Like the way your eyes looked on your first date
Or how you wore your hair
They will store every bit of you in their memory
Like how you like your coffee
Or what kind of soup to buy when you're sick
And when something happens, you know you will become their next piece of writing
They will recall every word said
They will talk about how you lit up in the beginning only resulting in a burnt out match
Your story will become fuel
Your time spent will become hours of trying to capture every ounce of your beauty
Trying to hit every mark of how your face looked when you first heard that she loved you
Never date a writer
Because they will take everything in like vital knowledge
Collecting parts of you like old coins
Putting together the puzzle that will result in their most painful poem
Your story will last forever
You will see the shifts and turning points
From when love was so brand new and shiny
All leading up to the blowout
And there is nothing you can do to stop it
Because you decided to date a writer
So prepare yourself to become their most prized work

Can we just start over?
Hi I'm Jackie I met you downtown on the corner of coincidence and destiny
If you would like to reach me you can come to the middle of the ocean
Where I threw my heartbeat and pulse for a fisherman to catch
Its useless to me now but maybe someone else can use it
If God decided to strike me down with lightening I would very much appreciate it
I need something to charge me up and make me feel alive again
So I'll stare at the sun and wait for the colors to fade into the atmosphere
Why can't you save anyone?
Why can't we all be someone's superhero?
Instead we find ways to be villains so we can trick people into loving us
When we can't even find a stable place for ourselves
Tell me how any of this is fair
Tell me why I'm here and she's not
I dream about falling off a mountain
The part that bothers me is that I never hit the ground
I fall into perpetual motion dazed and confused
I wake up only to realize that my whole life has been that dream
I'm always falling
So before you get close to me please know that none of this came easily
There are tiny pieces of my heart that I leave with everyone I meet
Unfortunately she took most of it
You seem like a nice girl but I am not so nice
I'm taking into consideration that my strength is based on my will
I'm walking down the path that will hopefully tell me who I am
Maybe she is who I am
But if I dwell on every bad thing my world will stop like hers did
We can't stop as soon as we start sinking
Who else is going to pull us out of the water
So I'll end this with a simple thought
I am not ready for you

I'm sitting here on my bed counting down the days
The days until I leave this place
The days until I mark another month without you
Don't worry
This is not another poem about losing her
If I've learned anything
It's that I can fall flat on my face and still manage to feel something everyday
And if you don't believe me
You can check my arms for faded scars that I used to numb my pain
I say faded because I'm 9 months clean
I say clean because I haven't caused blood to mark up my skin in a long time
I feel very accomplished
I've also learned that day by day I find new reasons to smile
Like realizing that suicide has not crossed my mind in over a year
Because I have finally found reasons to stay here and it's not just to make you happy
I've turned my self deprecating life into reflection and self healing
Which I can proudly say is starting to work
I used to sit in my room and think about all the ways that I had been defeated instead of getting up and fighting back
I was a boxer falling apart in my corner giving up before the first round started
Why did I let that happen?
It's easier to go along with everyone's negativity than to be the only one standing tall
I've never been one to follow the crowd but I let them bring my mood down
You want to know something else
The thought of being alone used to terrify me
Now I can sit happily at a park or in my room and feel nothing but positive vibes
I've made life changing changes in a few short weeks that benefit not only me but others around me
I never want to go back to that place where my best friend found me
I'm here
I'm alive
If you knew me before this poem
I couldn't always say those things

Her parents did not know that once the door was shut, our love came forward
They thought we were just close friends
Just two girls trying to make it through the troubles of high school together
My parents did not know that when I said I had a "project" to work on
It really meant that I was working on loving myself fully with a girl who already loved all of my unfinished parts
Society did not know that we tried to live in the shadows
That we worked on changing so others felt more secure
That we attempted to mold and shape ourselves into this idea of normal but it never seemed right
She did not know that she was not just my moon and sun
But my entire galaxy
The gravitational pull that I orbited around
My chain of stars and planets
She did not know because I never really told her
Feeling that way scared me to my core
I always just told her I loved her but nothing more
I tried not to write about her
She did not know that I stayed awake at night
That all my feelings bounced around in my head and screamed to be let out
That I ached to express myself to a world that wanted to keep me quiet
She did not know that I wanted to die too
That my skin felt the shiver of a blade more often than it felt the warmth of her touch
That I forced myself to stay alive for her
Pushed myself to live each day
I did not know that I would lose her
That she would drift up to the sky and take her place among the stars
That I would lose part of myself
No one knew of our love
They did not know of our struggles to stay grounded
Or our fight to love each other without the fear of losing
But we lost
We lost it all

I feel nothing
Not even fear
And that can't be good
Because I know I should be afraid