I can feel my heart break into pieces and I just let it happen
This world is full of glass jars and I'm choosing to step on every single one in front of me
I can't tell if I'm getting better or if I'm getting more numb
I don't leave my bed because the outside is bright and I might find purpose
I don't want to find purpose because that means expanding and I can't really bend over backwards anymore
I am in a new town with all new faces and they have no clue that demons hover above me
They all seem shallow and closed off from real life and that's probably why they already hate me
They smell my individuality and it is not pleasing to them
The craters in my head are attracting other lifeforms and I can hear them when I sleep
I toss and turn a lot because I dropped my anchor out at sea
A lot of people try to figure me out but they don't believe what they can't see
And I really want to die
But the girl with the big eyes will not let me go
And I don't know if that makes me angry or grateful
But I'm seeing life through a one way mirror and I am on the outside
I am seeing everything
But they don't see me
And I am watching and listening for a reason to stay
Despite my need to fly away constantly
Then she looks at herself in the mirror and smiles
And my heart doesn't break as much as it once was

Right now my world has stopped
Everything that kept me standing has somehow dropped
I gave my heart and now it's lost
I'm trying to understand
If you can't be with me at least pretend
I've lost control
Had my foot on the gas but fell asleep at the wheel
I've crashed
I'm not sure I can be saved
When you walked into my life I found my saving grace
Now I'm stuck surrounded by a dark haze
I won't be okay
In the beginning I was scared
And you reassured me
But now look who's running
I wish I could hate you
But when I close my eyes or look at the sky all I think about is how much I want to be next to you
Please figure out what you need
Please let that be me
I can't believe I'm still breathing
This life without you has no meaning
I'm not trying to make you feel bad
But let's face it I'm sad
I punched a wall so I don't cut
But who gives a ****, so what?
Please come back to me
I only have half of me
Like I said you have my heart
But you went and ripped it apart

Sun rays
Through my window pane
I'm not myself today
I'm not myself today

I take a breath in and it feels like my last
So I draw another one and let it fill up my chest
I'm hiding away
No one will see me today
I pull out my blade
It's the only outlet for my pain
I write suicide notes
In trying to sink but I float
I'm sprawled out all over the floor
There's blood all over my clothes

I'm not myself today
I'm not myself today

I sit in the car that's taking us on our next adventure and I can't help but look over and smile at you
Everything unfolds so quickly
Everything unravels before you expect it to
And we will never have enough time
But someone like you is truly a 1 in a million find
And we can sing songs that take us back to a time when we didn't know each other
We can hop around from state to state never really having a set destination
Get stuck in stand still traffic for hours
Or we can simply just play guitar late at night
I always thought soulmates where people you fell in love with
Someone you married and spent eternity with
I'm coming to the realization that it's the person you tell everything to
The one who sees your drunk mind turn in circles
The one who knows exactly what you like on your pizza
And knows that you only drink coffee when it doesn't taste like coffee
The person who knows all the songs on your playlist
Your soul mate is the one who calls late at night because they just miss you
The one who couldn't see a world without the other
The one who knows how precious time is and just wants your company
And I know you worry about me but I would never leave you stranded
Life can be so messed up and sometimes I can't stand it
But when I think about our friendship I can't imagine it going differently
We've been to 11 states together
Seen mountains and deserts
Wandered streets and been in rivers together
And even when life made us cold
We never let go of our time
And I know how you see yourself
I know the look on your face when thoughts roam around your brain
I know you are not naive
And I know fate is questionable
But we were once 1,000 miles away
Complete strangers
Trying to find something to hold onto
Trying to keep our feet from lifting off the ground
And I know you look for a gut feeling
Something inside that makes all the pieces fit together
I just want you to know
That fate can be deciding to get out of bed to pack your bag
Fate can be leaving school despite your better judgment
Fate can be running to catch the campus tour
And almost being late because someone just had to wear a pineapple hat
Fate can be choosing the pineapple hat out of dozens
Despite every decision we've made as friends and as strangers
Something brought us together
And somehow I was lucky enough to find my soul mate in the midst of confusion and devastation
And even though we may have limited time together
Nothing would ever make me want to change our fate

2a.m. is when my mind goes to work
And of course it's dark magic mixed with mayhem
Of course it leaves me cold and vulnerable
This world is more corrupt than I thought it was
I grew up on playgrounds and forests
And nowadays kids grow up on streets and prepaid jail cells with body bags on standby
Our landfills filled with plastic and our waters polluted because profit is more important
But no one will really read this so my words hit the air and fall to the ground
Like the voices of young African Americans who have already been taken
And for some reason media portrays the good as bad and the bad as good
And black people are thugs
While white people have mental illness
I try not to judge
And I can't sleep at night
I worry about my brothers out there while trying to portray myself in a different light
My head won't stop spinning some times
I think we should all be as natural as possible
Free your mind from society and abnormalities
Try counting your money as you hold your breath
I'm afraid to be in debt
But education is what we need for a proper foundation
So why is the key to success so expensive
The 1% wants us to be helpless
They want us to struggle so they can reign supreme
It's no longer about happiness or following your dreams
It's become a way to just survive
And I don't know how I'm going to leave my parents house with the wages they provide
Maybe this is why depression is so common
We all know we're gonna die
But for some reason they don't want to see us thrive
My friend Tony was shot 7 times and the murderer is walking free
All because of his skin color and a badge
If that doesn't make you angry then you're part of the problem
When it gets late at night I don't know what I will start to ponder
I just know the world is messed up
And I'm afraid of the future
If we don't fix things it will never get better
So open your heart before you open your mouth
You might be surprised about what ends up coming out
So please listen to the world around you
Take into consideration that we are all here for a greater destination
I started writing this with the intention of a different message
But some things just shouldn't be kept quiet

I'm getting my life on track
Most people would look back at my past
And wonder how I got here
It wasn't easy
No support from my family
I had to do the opposite of everything they taught me
Scared that I would be like them
Broke mirrors so I didn't see that I was like them
Looked at my reflection
Only to see a girl who refused to give up
I use to use my hands to block out the noise
Now I use them to write out what's left in my heart
And you will never understand what you did to me
Don't act like you had anything to do with making me
I may have forgiven you
But don't get things twisted
I forgave you so I could rest easy
Believe me
Everything you've done is not being forgotten
When I walk out of here
I'll thank you for pushing me away
I could stay
Like my sister
20 years old with no brain
Living off of my parents
As she barely gets paid
That's not for me
I promised my grandpa
That I would be somebody
He use to look at me
See my pain
And tell me that one day it would go away
I look at his pictures
With his smiling face
I know I'm making him proud
Don't try to tear me down
I might call you mom and dad
But I know who raised me
So don't be mad when I don't thank you for anything

I feel like a balloon that just lost its air
I'm left expanded with no real purpose
Nothing tying me down
Nothing inside me
I feel like an almost completed puzzle
If I just had a few more pieces I could be whole
But I'm missing just enough to not know what I'm looking at
Feeling like people can see that I'm not really all there
I feel like an empty can left on the street
Being kicked around with no sense of stability
At any moment something could come along and crush me
At any moment the walls could cave in
I feel as if my identity has left my body
Everything that makes me who I am has vanished
No one understands it
I feel like a magician who doesn't even know the result of my trick
I made myself disappear
Everyone is left confused
And I don't even know where I ended up

She has this calmness about her
The type that can clear the storms out of your head
You can sense her love
Even through miles that consist of treacherous paths and the monsters that haunt you
She is more than just a pretty face and working hands
She is gut wrenching
She is life that moves in slow motion
Creating the ability to see everything that unfolds
She is life shattering, bone crushing force
That leads you into all things that stabilize your constant need for overthinking
She is pure light
Breaking the sound barrier between hearts
And nothing you say will ever measure up
There is a method to the madness
She draws in nonbelievers and skeptics
She bends time into single moments
Dangling dreams and memories from her fingertips
She will never reveal her full self but that's what keeps you enticed
She will break every fiber of your being
Every particle and atom that makes up the molecular structure of your soul
And then she will sit by your bed and keep watch as you heal
Never making up her mind

And you will love every moment of it

Missing you is like walking out in the cold and expecting not to get sick
Missing you is like listening to your favorite song with the volume off
It's like scraping your knee and thinking it won't bleed
Missing you is like staying up all night even when you are exhausted
Missing you is like wearing sunglasses in the dark
It's like starting a fist fight with yourself
Missing you is like a deafening silence
Missing you is like having so much to say but never saying it out loud

Missing you is like waiting for the phone to ring
It's like scrolling through all the text messages and not seeing your name

Missing you is like telling someone to never speak to you again even when they are the only one you want to hear from

I think I'm gay
But I'm not exactly sure what that means
All the girls in my class are starting to talk about boys
And I don't see what they see
I see the girls though
My body is doing this weird thing
I'm think I'm growing up
I told my best friend that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up when we were sitting in math class
She told another friend and that friend told her parents
I think I'm in trouble
The guidance counselor called me in and now he's asking me all these questions
I'm just going to lie
My family has a reputation at this school
Wow this girl is pretty
Her smile is nice
And I like her long hair
Sometimes during church I catch myself staring
I hope my priest doesn't know
My parents are promising to stop fighting as long as I don't **** myself
Whatever
Ha I just failed my math test and I have detention after school
I'll tell my parents I'm getting help with my homework
They don't pay attention anyways
The girl knows I like her
I hope she doesn't say anything
Soon I'll be going to a big public school
I wonder what that's like
Middle school is a piece of cake
My parents are still fighting
Figures
The cops showed up a few days ago
They arrested my dad
My grandpa just passed away and he was more like my dad than my actual one
Death is becoming more and more real to me
I think I need to find God again....

Your walls are up
And I know why
You don't want to sacrifice
What's left of your life
You hold your heart in your hands
Wanting to let go of it
Hoping someone's there to catch it

I can tell you've been through a lot
By the way you hold your head to the sky
And I can tell that you wanna be loved
Even though it comes at a cost
But doesn't it sound so sweet
To be with me
Cause I know it takes a lot

And I know that when you push me away
Not to take it personal
And part of me knows you want me to stay
So just say the words
And I'll stay

I lash out for the sake of noise
Silence is my enemy
I use my fake happiness as a ploy so others don't think they get to me
My advantage is that I never win so people assume they are ahead of me
I've already come this far so finishing seems like the right thing
But my stubbornness usually gets the best of me
I stare into the abyss and try to forget the casualties
In this life I'm finding out that I'm my greatest tragedy
So right or wrong I'm in this with no apologies
You can keep your love, I'm on my own
You're no longer a priority
My heart is back in my chest but still lacks authority
It forgets to beat, I forget to breathe but that's a different story
So time traveling and planes crashing are all that's left of me
Save your trap doors and vacant holes
I know what's best for me
I sway in and out of good and bad questioning my reality
If we all come from stardust then an afterlife is nothing but make believe
When she comes to me in my dreams I have to believe it's meant to be
Because she was always my anchor out at sea
I draw blood for the sake of feeling
Then go to church for some honest healing
And who knows maybe it will keep my heart from reeling
But these days I just look for any sign of smoke through my glass pipe
I can't help but be weak but I still fight
It took me months to write this but I think it's alright

I remember that everything I knew disappeared when I looked at her
Love in all its forms never quite kept it's innocence
The line we drew became twisted and blurry
And in the end nothing seemed real
She took pride in her image as if it were all she had
People stood in line to get glimpses of her smile for comfort
We ventured off hoping to find something our parents never gave us
But somehow it lead us nowhere
We never quite got the hang of letting go or even holding onto something with value
And if you asked us what we believed in, we would stand and face each other
Not knowing that we would be each others kryptonite
We danced around the word 'forever' as if it was our only source of energy
Never realizing how suffocated it became
If only we knew how tangled our lives would become
Weaving in and out of commitment only resulting in a war that ended with two casualties

I never understood this unrelenting undeniable love I had for her
Until my only option was to walk away from something so beautiful yet so self-destructive
They all looked at me and thought I was strong
That I did it for myself
No
The love I had for her outweighed my own pain
It was for her
My one true love who saw me even when our lives went dark
She was the love of my life

"One last all or nothing chance"
That's what my father said when my mother came home with divorce papers
He looked at me with tears down his face and I felt an ache in my chest
The kind of ache that makes you tense up and hold your breath
I've waited since the 4th grade for them to end their marriage
Sometimes I used birthday wishes and single stars to make it come true
Watching my home crumble under the weight of alcohol and pride
The smell of regret and deflection
"It's not my fault"
"I'll change this time"
"I can't lose you guys"
Blaming my father even though my mother can be the match that starts the flame
The small nudge off the cliff
Marriage takes two
Two people to love
Two people to hate
Two people to leave stains of blood on walls where photos should be
Two people to scream ****** ****** that takes the space where laughter should be heard
Nothing really matters anymore
I search for love the way my parents search for an argument
First someone says something dangerous
Something that gets the others heart racing
And then they sort of fall into it
Creating a numbness around their hearts
Not fully seeing the picture
Blinded by words
I fall in love the way my parents hate
I get lost in what she says
I let her words destroy the outer shell around my heart
I let her see me vulnerable
I allow her to break me down simply because what she says breaks my heart in the most beautiful way possible
I watch my parents fall out of love as I let myself fall into it
Because what is love without pain
Without the feeling of air leaving your lungs
"One last all or nothing chance"
And we allow it
We let in the pain like a familiar feeling
We let in love like we let in change
And I will fight for a love that is unlike my parents
I am not a product of their love
I am not a victim of their hate
I am everything they wouldn't allow in their hearts
Unconditional love

I think about dying more often than I think about a future
And honestly it's really now or never
I know there are a lot of people that I can't leave
But lately I can't even breathe
So I try to push the thoughts away
Write down all the things I find hard to say
I need to make it through one more day
Otherwise it will be too late
Don't take this the wrong way
But I find it hard for people to relate
If I could just escape

She holds me firmly to the ground
Honestly I would be lost if she wasn't around
I can tell in her voice that she's concerned
So all I try to do is calm her down with my words
I don't want her thinking that I'll leave it all
But it's really only a matter of time before I fall
No one knows what's going on inside
It's crippling my bones how much I want to die
But then I picture her with tears in her eyes
I couldn't leave her the way I got left behind

My head is filled with moving pictures
All that end with same scene
I'm not even safe in my own dreams
I find it hard to care
Everyone around me is unaware
I just want my time to be over
No more steps forward
Only ones bringing me closer to my resting place
I don't want people to see me face to face
They will notice my unstable state

Life is no joke
I stopped laughing when love came around a 2nd time only to leave me stranded
My past has the upper hand and I don't even want to fight it off
I'm too damaged from the last war
My childhood still leaves me sore

So please, if you see me don't address the situation
I'm tired
If you get an invitation to my funeral I'm sorry
You were loved

She is trying to forget
Forget where you put your hands
What you whispered in her ear
How you made her feel

She is trying to let go
Because she can't show how much it kills
You fight to hold on
You fight to let go
Even though why we fight is sometimes unknown
And you made her this way

Nothing feels right
Nothing seems right
But when she looks at you
She sees family
Not a monster that people make you out to be
But she can't forget

She lives
She breathes
She feels everything
And who she was
Isn't who she is now

Everything happens for a reason
She knows that now
Happiness can be taken as easily as it can be found

I want to write something for you
But sometimes I feel my words don't do anyone justice
I want to connect with you
But connection for the sake of connection seems unrealistic
But there's nothing unrealistic about the way someone feels
I see you
And you are looking at me
I want to know what you are thinking
But knowing the truth can be a double edged sword
I would take that pain from you
I could endure

I want to look into your eyes
For more than a second
Because making eye contact and then turning away
Doesn't bring me any less pain
And if we could just look
Maybe we would fall in love
And if we found each other
If we found the missing piece
We could both agree to disagree
But life isn't always that easy
So just look at me

I want to show you this
Your feelings might be hit or miss
But I want you to see
Seeing is believing
So believe me when I say
You were the only thing on my mind today
I know its real
When I can write about someone
You aren't just anyone
But being someone to someone can backfire
I can handle being your target for awhile

I need help
There I said it
My first step has been taken
My friends tell me the same thing over and over again
So I guess this time I decided to listen
Cutting can't be my solution
It can't be my antidote
But how can I give up the one thing that coats this pain
I have all my struggles engraved
Every weak moment shown on a canvas that was once flawless
I ran from the word depression only to land in the arms of something I could have prevented
I feed off of stubbornness and pride
"I'm fine"
"You don't have to worry"
When in reality my blood is running down my sleeve
I didn't think it would get this far
A few here a few there
Until my sophomore year
When sleep was not reachable unless pain appeared
1 year without it and it's still my biggest fear
I don't want to
I come to you because you listen
And when I hand you that knife you don't question
You said I need help and I know that
The new scars on my body show that

I can never think of how to start these things
Because starting something means risk
My best friend told me I would fall in love within my 10 months of service
And I'm glad I fell in love with you
Now I know you will read this
So please read carefully
Thank you
I know it has taken me a long time to reach a point of peace
So I am finally able to look back at our relationship
You gave me confidence I never had
You held me up when I was falling
You brought back love that I thought was buried 6 feet deep
I know we talked about forever and that didn't happen
But I would do those 2 months all over again
I know you are in a difficult spot right now
I understand
But know that none of this takes away how amazing you are
Love is one of those things that's unexpected
Thank you for being my favorite surprise
I know I can't take back what was said in the past
But know that I will make up for it in the present and future
I still believe things happen for a reason
I'm not a perfect person
Nothing can ever be perfect in life
But looking back
I still believe that those 2 months were pretty close
I don't want you to think I'm writing this to try and get you back
I'm writing this because we are friends again
And I was always hesitant about that
Until now
Happiness is something we both deserve
Journey's can take a lifetime
But perfect moments are short

I wish I could ask her if she ever made the soccer team
I used to watch her play for hours until she fell to the ground
Exhausted
With a smile that could steal your innocence
I wish I could ask her if she learned that difficult piece on the violin
The one that she struggled with for weeks
I would call her on the phone when I couldn't sleep and ask her to play
I wish I could kiss her again
Because the one we used to say goodbye became so brief that it got swept away before I could make it a memory
I didn't know it would be our last
I wish I could hear her laugh
At my jokes about dinosaurs and God
Or when she would steal my hats
I wish I could show her my poetry
She liked to analyze every word and correct my spelling
I wish I didn't have to feel this pain without anyone to feel it with me
I wish it was me instead of her
I wish I could take her place
She used to tell me that I was her heartbeat
I wish I could hear her say that one last time

I'm not really sure if I feel huge or small
Someone asked me if I was suicidal
I said no
But if I was walking across the street and a car was coming towards me
I don't think I would move
If someone held a gun to my head
I wouldn't beg for my life
I might just laugh and say pull the trigger
And with everything that's happened I guess I'm a little bitter
My hands don't seem to work anymore
I wake up and my head is sore
I reach for a bottle because liquor makes my veins thicker
I reach for a knife because thicker veins bring a little more extra pain
Promises were made
I want to quit my job and run away
But society wants you to feel ashamed if you're not getting paid
Honestly my head is just not in the game
I'm actually very scared
I could really use a wish or a prayer
Maybe even divine intervention
Maybe this is all a lesson
I don't know if I'm weak or strong
I'm at the edge of the cliff hanging by my fingertips
I've been hanging for so long
I think it's do or die
Maybe even tonight
I'm not suicidal
But if I had the opportunity to die I might just take it
Which is sad
So many lives have been taken
And I'm just throwing away my only chance

She came into this world guns blazing
With high spirits and a jagged future
She could only see what was right in front of her
Parts and places blended together like paint on a canvas
The lines on her arms told her story
She didn't trust easily
And yet she gave her heart away like an unwanted child
Her parents never really noticed until the yelling stopped
The noise was loud in her head
Large groups made her quiet
You could see everything written on her face
In the words she hesitated to say
She couldn't escape her nightmares because she was awake every time
A perfect opportunity
Drunk thoughts
A busy road
Colorado
2a.m.
Sadness can be the bullet in the gun
She came into this world not knowing
She came in with high hopes turned into low expectations
She came into a life that already had the loaded gun waiting for her
Already had the busy Denver road
Already had the blade
She walked to three different stores looking
Looking for a knife
She walked down a road with car after car
Waiting to step into it
You only become stronger after falling down and getting back up
And sometimes she decided to test her balance

Stop, please do not come any closer to me
You smell like flowers mixed with good intentions
And I smell like tequila and tears
You think you can fix me
As if I'm only broken on the outside
You do not want to see me on the inside
On the inside I am holding a gun to my head
Whether it's loaded or not is really up to my imagination
In my head I am standing on a bridge
And who knows
Maybe it's only 2 feet off the ground
Maybe there is a freaking trampoline waiting to spring me back into the air and bring joy in my life
Or maybe the drop is deadly and punishing bringing eternal sleep upon impact
Either way
You do not want to see inside of me
Inside there is mold and termites and everything that brings deterioration
There is scar tissue, bruises, broken windows and holes in the ceiling
And you might see a smile on my face but my insides are screaming
Dragging me by the hair
Holding me down
So please
Don't try to get close to me
Don't try to heal me with your love and understanding
I will rip you apart
And then expect you to clean up the mess I made
You seem like you would be good for me
And that is why I am pure poison for you

It seems I only bleed when people test me
Test my abilities
My loyalty
My heart and nerve
Carve lines making up words that fade into a blur
He looks at me with no love so I do the same towards myself
I used to put so much energy into trying to be someone else
He walks away like he has nothing to lose
I choose a knife because it feels better than his abuse
Agree to disagree that's all we ever do

They talk about her like she was never real
They talk about me like I don't know how it feels
If she was still around I could be content with myself
The way her parents talk it's like I ruined her health
So I engrave our years together
My arms tell stories
The scars show fears
I only blame myself because I was all she had
Decided to put myself first at the time didn't sound so bad
So when they mention her I feel lost and confused
The only way to cope is to pick pain over you
I feel enough for the both of us
All the regret is clear so I don't open up
I know if you were here you would want me to stop
But you're not
And that's on me
So I'll drink away and let myself bleed

We all have things that weigh on our hearts
We all have demons who come alive in the dark
And when I'm triggered I don't see red, I see stars
Block out the noise and forget who people are
I lose myself for the sake of coping
I'll smile and act like I'm joking
Everything is too real for me
My triggers are as real as the air I breathe
They are alive
They will be the death of me

How can we communicate
Without dominating the wavelengths
From past dates
I don't even think you get it
Why fall in love when you know you are not into it
Everything I say I try to make legitimate
I'm done with love, you know I'm not having it
Why do I give myself to the people who don't deserve me
Or give chances to the ones who will only hurt me
I give out more than I take in
When will I learn
When will I earn back everything that was taken
I try to walk away but somehow I'm motionless
Every shot I take is seriously just hit or miss
And when I look at you I understand the feeling of a first kiss
But now I see what it means to be heartless
Why do I show warmth when the world is so cold
Or never listen to the advice that I am told
Believe me life is scary
Especially after you jump when you know you can't see
I've realized that it's not you
It's me
I pick the ones that do this to me
I choose her instead of choosing me
And now I see why it's not working out
When you are just like the other one who left me broken down
So here I am at a stand still
Dumping my feelings into a landfill
Don't make the same mistakes twice
I could blame you
Hate you
Degrade you
But all I can do is own up
Face the truth
You're not the one for me and I'm not the one for you

I try my best to let things go
Let feelings show
To go with the flow

Can't let things go to my head
Safe in my bed
Numb but not dead

You keep me on my toes to the point where you brush past me and I jump
Our future brought untold fear and I was never okay with it until now
Everything you say to me somehow registers deeply
If you aren't always near me I feel this growing hole in my stomach
I want this to work out more than I want to eat peanut M&M;'s or play basketball
You seem to read me like one of your books but your books usually take longer
Your past presents itself greatly in your present
If I wasn't ready for that I would have ran
I try to hide my past so it doesn't effect you
I only want my present and future to reach you
I might have almost said those 3 words but I never regret what I say
But then again you almost said it too so we're even
I just want you close to me because my life has never been stable and you seem like a rock compared to everything else
I know you check my poems to see if there is something about you
If I could properly find my words there would be something new everyday
You are just perfect to me and I guess it took me awhile to see perfection
I guess I just really... like you
Maybe I'll say it one day
If you're happy, I'm happy

I hope you are happy
I hope talking to him brings you the happiness I couldn't give you
You have given me my reason to move on from you
I've realized that I gave you everything
I'm trying to get it all back now
My love seems to go beyond human nature which ends in me getting ****** over
You ****** me over
I have a hard time telling you how I actually feel because offending you is not something I want to do
But I can't deal
So here it goes
I feel destroyed
Cut down
Kicked in the face
Dragged around
I want to yell at you
Cuss
Spew hate
Tell you how much I can't stand you
But in reality
I ******* love you
The fact that I ******* love you makes my skin crawl
You really had it all but dropped the ball
Now I feel two feet tall
And I want to hate you
I really want to ******* hate you
Because maybe that would make moving on easier
You have no problem moving on
Isn't that ******* great
When did you stop loving me
I'll let you know when I stop loving you
This all came out of the blue
But apparently everyone knew
Surprise
The joke is on you Jackie
Now I understand why you ask for our plans every week
It's so you could see him
Why don't you just kick me in the face
I'm already on the ground
So why not take it all and leave me broken down
And the fact that I gave you my heart makes me feel stupid now
But let's be honest
Who really cares
I could end it all right here
When you told me
I literally wanted to curl into a ball in the middle of the road and hope that a car would take me
I stood there with my heart in my throat as you told me you were seeing someone else
You asked if I was okay
I'm great
I can feel so much pain
And not go insane
I threw everything away
Including your ring
I can't sit and stare at it anymore
**** all of this
You wanted to know how I felt
Well this is it

I wanted her in the purest way
I wanted her the way flowers want sunshine
The way trees want to reach the sky
I wanted her in every way possible and impossible
The way birds want to fly
I wanted her the way hands want to be held and lips kissed under thousands of stars
I wanted her every second of the day and doubled when we were sleeping
Every bone in my body wanted her
Every part of heart and deepest parts of my soul
Everything touched and untouched
Everything real and make believe
I wanted her for the simple fact that our love was infinite
Stronger than steel
Deeper than the ocean
Brighter than the sun
More powerful than Gods and magic
I wanted her and she wanted me
I needed her the way people need to breathe
She may be gone forever but every breath I take brings her memory to my lungs and fills my body with her love
Blood and her smile pump through my veins
I want her the way I want to be alive
And when I die
I want her to be the first face I see
I want her the way two people fall in love
Slow and forever
Terrifying and beautiful
I wanted her then and I want her now
But it's too late
And what I want I can't have

You see that boy
Well he just came out
His families world
Got flipped upside down
They can't look at him
And he can't make a sound
He knows that they'll accept him one day

You see that girl
She hasn't eaten in four days
She looks at herself
And wishes she could change
People laugh at her
They point and stare
But someone will love her one day

And I know
What you're going through
I know
That it can be hard
But you'll make it through
You can be who you are

Smile
Cause you're still here
Yeah you've come so far
Smile
You're in the clear
And you can have it all

I want the next girl who loves me to know that these scars are just bad memories
And to not be concerned
That they appeared because life became numbing and I wanted to feel alive again
I want her to know that I used to get wasted because it made me focus on the hangover and not the heartbreak
But I don't do that anymore
I want her to know that these hands sweat and ache to hold something other than my burdens
That I don't want my past to be a problem because it always has been
I want her to know that I can be worth it
If she just gives me a chance
She needs to know that I love unconditionally and that has always been my biggest mistake
If she takes shots at me I will kiss her instead of fixing myself
I will bleed out for the simple fact that I am trained to love someone more than myself
But she needs to know that I will love her
I will love her at 3am when her mind has become a weapon
I will love her when she can't even love herself
I want the next girl who loves me to know that I am a fighter
With 3 attempts under my belt
She has to know that I will stay awake at night incase she needs me
I will tell her she's beautiful even when I haven't seen her all day
Because I know how healing it can be to have someone who loves every broken part of you
And my mission in life has been to help as many people as I can
So to the next girl who loves me
I'm here if you're here
And I will love you even if you're the last person I help

You don't want to do this
Despite everything your demons say
This will not change how you feel
This will not change what she did
It won't change the fact that your pride is more important than talking to your dad
It won't make you feel alive
It won't make you forget
And I know it's all you've known for 7 years
But your mind was cloudy back then
And now you have choices
Put the knife away
I don't even know why you bought it in the first place
You knew it would tempt you
But I want it
No, you want to numb yourself
You want the rush and then the drop
The high it gives you
But it helps me
Oh Jackie
You poor lost soul
A self created version of who you used to be
You don't even compare to the original
You create this idea in your head that this self inflicted coping mechanism is the only thing saving you
That without it you would stir and suffer in silence
And your scars are your battle cries
They yell for you
They show your story
You think this is what makes you human
This is what it means to feel
I don't think I can stop
You have to
Or it will **** you
I know you don't like to think like that but you have to
Society won't do anything for you
These people won't protect you
The blade can't be the one who connects you to reality
And if you keep going it will only break you more
And honestly I don't know how much you have left

I hope she sees herself the way I see her
Because I see an amazing woman who has overcome everything
And she doesn't always believe it but she is my everything
I could never be content with anyone else
She lifts me up and helps me see the light
I would fight till I die just to make her mine forever
And if I get the chance to be her forever I swear I will not disappoint
I was always told that good things come to those who wait and all I've ever done is wait
And now she is here and it's real
I would watch movies about great love stories and think that they were full of ****
But now I have my own
How did I go from having nothing to quickly having my whole world right next to me
She is the greatest piece of this universe that I could ever find
I tell her everyday that I'm her's forever
And even after forever I'm still her's
I look at her and the world around me quickly fades into a blur and she is the only clear thing
The only thing that makes total sense in a life that is constantly changing
And when I doubt myself she comes in full force with reassurance and a smile
Because she knows confidence doesn't come easy and we've both been down that road
How can I even explain her properly
She is like walking into the sunlight after being trapped in the shade
She is a night sky full of stars without anything to block it's breathtaking beauty
She is the voice in my head telling me to keep going
She is the finish line after every race I have to run
The winning shot at the buzzer and the crowd cheers but I am the lucky one
The one who gets to look over and know that she is all I want
And how could someone ever ask for more when you are given nothing but perfection
Being happy with you is like finding a golden ticket
You never think it will happen but when it does, it changes your life forever.
I found my golden ticket
My one true love
Amberlyn Walsh

We fall for a love we know nothing about
And we stay
And I give despite the lack of love I have for myself
Love is hypocrisy
Love is unrelenting
Love is listening to a dial tone from a number that isn't even on anymore
Because maybe there is a chance someone will answer
Even when you know for a fact it won't be the person you want
We all strive for the type of love we think will move mountains for us
But we won't even cross a puddle for ourselves
And she said she loved me
When in all honesty she loved the idea of unconditional love
But attached to a different person
And I can't really be mad about that
But I still try
And why do I feel like I have to give more love than I receive
Otherwise people will leave me
Love can be so backwards
And if love is only connected to genitals than I am so far from love it's ridiculous
But if it is related to happiness
Than the girl with the soft brown hair and even softer brown eyes is who I want to love
And she knows
And she doesn't change the love she has for me which resembles more of like a sister than a lover
Which I'm okay with
Because at 3am I don't really need a lover
So in this case love is spot on
And she's ******* me
But only when she knows I need it
Otherwise she is kind and makes me feel like the sun was made to shine on my face
And that my friends is real love
The kind of love that can get you through your darkest days
Sometimes love can be kind of perfect
And she knows that when I call I don't really want to talk about my day
So she says something that she knows will make me laugh
Love is her
And if I can't make her laugh just as much then I know she is struggling
Love is knowing when to shut up and listen
We fall for a love we know nothing about
And sometimes we end up learning more about ourselves than our lovers
And that is just as powerful

Here I am
At more of a stand still
Than an uphill
Battle of will
I have an ill mind
And I find it hard to not base my life around time
So all I can really do is redirect the way my brain falls in line
I have this shrine of God in my head
But it has nothing to do with religion or my need for saving
I walk below the ground because I'm close to caving
Nothing really is what it seems so I look to dreams more often than reality
In this day and age how can anyone really be satisfied
Just thinking about my future has my anxiety amplified
You really are my comfort zone
Anything outside of what I can say to you is far from being known
I'm in a stage of life that has loads of temporary people
Most of them think they mean something to me
But we're not even on the same playing field
Sometimes I get stopped in my tracks and I'm forced to yield
But I can't help that my mouth works faster than my brain sometimes
My handwriting is sloppy because my hands shake when I'm under pressure
My mind wanders off to my next adventure
If only I could control my stutter
But time is an illusion and we are all going under
I randomly feel my heart in my chest when it's out of rhythm
Maybe I'll go back to the doctor
I locked her out of my veins because dark thoughts can seep through my blood and up to my brain
I've trained myself to feel numb now
This is all off the record
But in Denver I was going to walk into a busy road
At 2a.m. roads should not be busy
Don't people sleep anymore?
I'm definitely torn between living mainstream and living totally free
Because I think society is trying to mold us all into wannabes
I think there's a flaw in my code
I'm more of a social norm stereotype gone rogue
Because I believe in multiple interests and not having a consistent mailing address
Life is a mess
But the good kind
Definitely the good kind

Dear God,
Hi I know I promised to talk to you more but I can't seem to find the words
Please take care of everyone that I couldn't
Please take care of everyone up there and everyone down here that I can't protect
I thought I would have already seen you
I thought I would have already seen your golden gates
But I haven't always kept my promises
I used to see you everywhere and now I only seem to see you when I need something
Please don't take it personally I just don't know how to rely on myself yet
Please don't give up on me I have so much to learn
My head is empty and willing to absorb everything you have to teach me

Dear God,
I'm mad at you
Why didn't you answer my prayers?
Why didn't you answer when I called out to you?
I know you heard me
I know you knew I wanted to die
I know you have seen my scars
And yet you never answered
But I'm here right?
So if this is you working in mysterious ways
We both know I won't figure it out
Please just show yourself

Dear God,
Thank you
For bringing me Katy, Ashlie, and Desiree
I know there are many more to name but these three are your greatest work
They wouldn't let me see you right away
Watch over them always
And when I'm gone be their best friend
Without you I would not know them so I am eternally grateful
Miracles happen each day and they are living proof
So thank you

Dear God,
I love you

Love comes through like waves
Pushing and pulling at the ground
Crashing into the calm
We all want what we can't have
And if I could
I would come in like a sudden burst of life
Love is beautiful and messy
And you are caffeine and sunshine
With splashes of watercolors
And I can't properly contain you and even if I could
You are meant to be seen
By everyone
Because masterpieces like you should not be kept away
And you are the crash of the ocean and the sun that fades into it
Everything abrupt and breathtaking
If I could just bottle up what you are to me
Then I could just reach into my pocket and have my happiness

Whether I'm black or blue
Whether I'm true to me
Or true to you
I can't help but feel like I'm being used by you
You take and take and give a little but I'm satisfied
Everybody around me not knowing why
Why do my insecurities run my life
And you could give me no attention but I'd still be walking 2 feet behind
You act like you're not good enough
****
I'm a ******* mess with a big heart
That's not enough
If you told me to come over and smoke you up
I'd be there
You don't realize that I'm ******* scared
My demons are just waiting to reappear
And how the **** am I supposed to control myself
Alone by myself
Trying to find pills to **** myself
How come when I need somebody they're all gone
If you called me right now I'd walk through the storm in my brain just to be next to you
If you're not giving me the best of you
Why do I stick around so long
I always find myself giving too much
And then I **** myself up
You're going on a date
So I pour another drink
That makes sense
Why can't I just tell you that it bugs me when you talk about all the guys who don't really see you
I could write a list of all the things I like about you
And if you died right now I'd probably die too
You just want a guy who won't really love you
But I love you
I stand on my own but still want to be next to you
You ignore me when we're apart but smile when I see you
Don't stand too close to me I'll want to be close to you
******* I want to be close to you
Sometimes I feel so connected then I feel unattached from you

I'm drunk and you're sleeping
You're stressed and I'm reaching

If you would open up I could stop the flood
But I'm gone

You always play this game
But I'm not equipped for it
These guys don't even know
When I open up just know I'm real
Sometimes I know how you feel
Other times I'm not sure if it's real
Or you just need to feel something

If I'm fading don't make me wait for you
Stay with me or let me leave
I'm dying quickly

Please recuse me

She's the type of person who is annoyingly independent
Who won't ask for help or show any signs of struggling
She won't go against her faith for petty sin
Won't turn her back on the people who made her whole again
She's the type of person who will follow her dreams
Even when they take her far away
Will stand up for what's right even when everyone thinks she's wrong
She jumps full force into love but will back away to where its safe
You would never know her problems or secrets unless you ask
And I mean a million times
She smiles at the people who hate her and never gives them the satisfaction they desperately crave
She doesn't feed into drama
You won't find her doing anything she doesn't want too
But she'll surprise you when does something unexpected
You know she cares more then she will say
And you always know that as long as you are real
She will be real with you
Whether she believes it or not, you look up to her
She holds wisdom far beyond her years
And all you can do is thank her

I think I'm lacking passion
I think I'm heading straight for madness
I think my head is full and heart is numb
I don't have a clue where I belong
I work all day for a cause that is pointless to me
Creating money for people who wouldn't even care if I blew my head off
I come home to love that only exists because of blood
I think I'm failing at life
I think I'm failing at love
I think a mix of heartbreak and multiple concussions have ****** me up
And I don't think I'm gonna make it
Only the real people are seeing me fake it
I think I'm losing sight of who I am
I think it doesn't even matter if I stand here on this earth or leave
Either way people are going to live and breathe
And it's not like I don't matter
It's more like I'm wasted opportunities
A product with no potential
I think people wasted their time investing in something so experimental
I do think life is special
I don't think others see it that way
Settling down hurts my brain
I think I need to learn a new language
Or give up dairy
Maybe build a tree house
Or do something that scares me
Now I'm just getting off topic
I think I lack logic
While everyone else turns left or right
I stand in the middle tying my shoes
I really have nothing to lose
I think I'm already lost
I need to take care of myself but that seems like a lost cause
I think I'm funny
With great hair
But I'm unaware of my own abilities
I need someone to write them down for me
What is passion without a spark
I'm like wet matches
Just let me fizzle out
Just let me reach the dark side of this planet

I can see her
When the world is loud and chaotic
And when I'm not sure where my sense of balance went
I can see her
When my heart gets quiet
And I forget how long I've been standing in place
I can see her
When I look at sunsets
And when I watch wind make ripples in pools of water
Sometimes she is right in front of me
So real I could reach out and pull her presence into me
When I least expect it I can see her
When I open my front door to embrace the cold world
When I am somehow lucky enough to open my eyes to a new day
I can see her
I'm not sure where the line is between reality and fantasy
Or if people notice that I stare into the distance as if I see something that could never possibly be there
I see her when I smile
And when my heart races
I see her in everything that is sick and beautiful because she had always been like me
She comes when she knows I need her
And she goes when my train of thought gets derailed
I see her when I need to remember who I am
And when I need to be kept alive

It was raining cats and dogs
Even though cats and dogs are supposed to bring happiness
There was nothing happy about the way the sky looked that night
The storm came in stages and patterns
Breaking down the walls that kept her safe
The clouds moved as swiftly as a dancer
Drowning out the sun and its warmth
No one saw it coming
No one saw the signs that were written in their hearts
We blocked out everything that was different
The storm came
The weather changed
We ran in different directions never looking back
How can you live when all you do is block out everything that reminds you that you're living
How can you stop yourself from feeling
The storm wiped out the love that we had
Turned us bad
We waited for the rainbow that showed signs of hope
But did nothing but stare out the window that pointed directly to our souls
We left our homes
Our lives seemed based around this storm
We became drones to the world around us
Untangling our pasts like they were knots holding us back
Using to for rope to go over the edge
To somehow find our silver lining
We stood at the edge questioning how far the fall was
We saw the storm roll in like a gang ready to battle for their pride
We jumped
Asking no questions
We gave into the rhythm around us
Pounding in our heads and hearts leading us out of the dark
We hit the ground and stood toe to toe with the storm
That chased us for years
Never having the courage to face it
Our strength became endless and we fought for our right to feel again
And even after taking blow after blow
We kept progressing
Until we saw our rainbow
I can't tell you what it feels like to stand up after a great battle
Knees weak
Arms shaking
We became fighters that day

I'm not quite sure where I stand with my emotions
Or where I just stand
If you look straight at me you will see that I am whole
But if you stand off to the side you will see that I am paper thin
Hoping that the wind doesn't blow too hard otherwise it will carry me away
I'm not quite sure why pain needs to be felt
Or why I feel so much of it
I just know that when I came to you drunk and uneasy you looked at me and somehow kept me together
I want to go to you but that would mean releasing my demons and they aren't properly trained yet
I'm not quite sure why I put the knife to my arm this time
Or why I didn't call you
I just know that my own expectations and seeing Kai's mom put me into a state that kills me from the outside in
So I started with my skin
I'm not sure why I fail to stay clean
I just know that life has to be more than this
And if I can't recognize that, I will continue to fall
I stayed for Kai
Now that she is gone
I have to learn to stay for myself
I'm not quite sure why I'm still here
Or why I haven't left yet
But I'm going to find out

I'm a quiet little kid in a family full of talkers
I look up and stare at mouths moving and wonder how people have so much to say
I'm wearing a dress my grandmother bought for me
No one knows that I hate it
I have 2 boy cousins and 2 girl cousins
I don't really fit in with either side
The girls want to play with makeup and they don't understand why I don't like that stuff
The boys won't let me play with them because "I'm a girl"
I didn't know that was a problem
My parents yell a lot and they don't realize I'm listening
I've learned to blend in with my surroundings
I've never yelled before
Not even on the playground when this kid in my class said I wasn't smart enough to be an astronaut
I just walked away
I didn't know that there was a possibility that my dreams wouldn't come true
Everything is not what I thought it would be
For some reason everyone talks about love but people are really mean
Maybe when I get older everyone will be nice to everyone
I saw a dog get killed by a car in my neighborhood
Wow
Death is a real thing
Will I die one day?
Probably when I'm like 500 or something
Not when I'm 14 or maybe 18
No that's silly
This world is big and I'm small but I think one day I'll grow big and things will be okay
I just have to wait....

You are probably wondering where I have been
I got lost for awhile
My hands could not hold on to my dreams anymore so I drifted away
The hourglass continued to run and time no longer served a purpose to me
I left for the mountains and hoped I would find that small flame once again
My legs collapsed underneath me and I decided to stay on the ground
My life stopped and no amount of faith or empty words could get me to where I needed to be
I stopped writing because I didn't think I had anything left to say
Broken pencils and crumpled up paper filled my floor and I was still empty
I've learned that people change people
And no amount of love that I could muster up would have been able to fill your soul
The sky bright with colors but I could only see in black and white
No amount of change could get me off the streets and back into your embrace
I was lost because I wanted to be
The map back to my old self was expired and I could no longer be the thing that everyone loved to throw away
If you are wondering where I've been then you have not been looking close enough
I am where I always am
In between my need for a blade and other people's approval
Because I am a mix of my father's disappointment and my mother's half lived life
He can never get things right
And she refuses to live fully
And I am equally her's as I am his
Life is only worth it if you put something into it
I haven't written because what more can I say
I'm coming back from the edge with empty pockets and messy hair
It shows that I haven't collected much and that I haven't been anywhere

25 days
A lot can happen in 25 days
I can write 25 poems
Watch 25 movies
Say goodbye to 25 people who have chosen to stay by my side
I can fall in love in 25 days
I can have my heart broken in 25 days
I can get up to watch the sun
Only to see it slip away
25 days to leave my mark
As much as I would love to say I've left my mark
No one can be sure
It's safe to say that I've learned each person has their own little world
You change one person and you've changed a world
I never want to be too small for people to overlook
And never too big for them to see some artificial version of the person that they only want to believe is me
25 days turns into 24, 23, 22.... 0
I remember when I had endless amounts of time and now it's shortened by each breathe and I am scared to run out of it
What if I overlook something
What if I forget someone
25 days to mend fences and rebuild bridges I burned along time ago
25 days to say how I feel
25 days for others to say how they feel
I am worried that my 25 days will be up and I will still crave more time
18 years turns into 25 days and I just wonder what I've done with my life
If I've changed a single person in 18 years
25 days seems so miniscule compared to my entire life
And to think
All I've waited for is for these 25 days to just be over

There was once a girl with a charcoal past
Slowly burning at the core
She had a loud ****** mind
With a bitterly sweet heart
She came into my life like a freight train
This girl lit everyone on fire while she burnt out
She had this way of making me feel out of control
She could build me up to the sky
Then send me spiraling down in a matter of minutes
And I was hooked
Hooked on the lifestyle she brought
Skipping class to watch her take drugs because I was already high off her fumes
Tracing the scars on her wrists with my eyes
Watching her fade in and out of this time period
I never saw any of it coming
She walked on the edge of my life
No longer being fully present
And I ached at the core
Tracing lines into my own arms to match her's
Questioned my life the way she questioned her's
She walked away
I was never the same
There was once a girl who left a mark on me
She was a burning house
I was the wooden rocking chair alone in the corner
I never had a chance

clears throat*
Excuse me
Now I'm going to need you to listen
This is my public service announcement
Whatever judgments you have
Whatever stereotypes you believe in
I'm going to need you to leave those at the door
Because what I'm about to say
May make you mad
Or
It might just open up your eyes...

We should all be worried
I mean we should all feel some anxiety about the way this world is unfolding
And if you don't see it
Well then you are blind
I don't care about your 20/20 vision
If you don't see this crisis
Well then sit quietly and listen

Is it just me or are we far off from where we should be
Living this fake American dream
When people are dying
Trying to survive in this war zone we created
Hatred being the fuel to our fire
Our desire for money and power
This being the hour of our demise
A disguise to mask how we truly treat each other
Our sisters and brothers
Why don't we stop this
Humanity dying in the process
We need to educate the ignorant
Humble the arrogant
Give voice to the good people who stand on the sidelines
Why are the small being silenced for speaking the truth
While the clueless ask what we should do
Stand up
Speak out
If we don't change we will be wiped away
We won't have the brains to stay and cohabitate
Let's not make the same mistakes our ancestors made

I want people to see
I am 18
I see what others refuse to see
What others refuse to believe
All it takes is for the good to do nothing
While letting the rich take control
Knowing that they don't give a **** about us at all
What will it take for us to make great change?

You see I believe the power is in numbers
The more we have, the less room there is for assumptions
We are all living for nothing
While the puppeteers pull us left and right
Being ventriloquists
While we play along without putting up a fight
If we all stood together not letting them have their power
They wouldn't have anyone to control
Total bombardment of their souls
Please just believe me

Thank you for listening
Now...
What are you planning to do about it?

Her parents did not know that once the door was shut, our love came forward
They thought we were just close friends
Just two girls trying to make it through the troubles of high school together
My parents did not know that when I said I had a "project" to work on
It really meant that I was working on loving myself fully with a girl who already loved all of my unfinished parts
Society did not know that we tried to live in the shadows
That we worked on changing so others felt more secure
That we attempted to mold and shape ourselves into this idea of normal but it never seemed right
She did not know that she was not just my moon and sun
But my entire galaxy
The gravitational pull that I orbited around
My chain of stars and planets
She did not know because I never really told her
Feeling that way scared me to my core
I always just told her I loved her but nothing more
I tried not to write about her
She did not know that I stayed awake at night
That all my feelings bounced around in my head and screamed to be let out
That I ached to express myself to a world that wanted to keep me quiet
She did not know that I wanted to die too
That my skin felt the shiver of a blade more often than it felt the warmth of her touch
That I forced myself to stay alive for her
Pushed myself to live each day
I did not know that I would lose her
That she would drift up to the sky and take her place among the stars
That I would lose part of myself
No one knew of our love
They did not know of our struggles to stay grounded
Or our fight to love each other without the fear of losing
But we lost
We lost it all

I miss you
But I know the feeling isn't mutual
So why do I keep holding onto our memories
I keep your ring next to my bed because maybe one day you will ask for it back
I know you won't actually ask for it back
But I'm holding onto your voice when you said you would never leave me
Words can be so deceiving
People tell me to move on when they don't even know that I play our entire relationship out in my head
Why wouldn't I want to remember when I was happy
Why did I think I could actually be happy
I found the cards you gave me for valentine's day
Why did you lie
You didn't want to be with me forever
I'm not the best thing that ever happened to you
You are doing just fine without me
And no one sees that I'm here crumbling
Self destructing
I know I play it off so well
But I'm trapped in a cell
My mind is on overdrive
I can't seem to feel anything else
If only you knew the hold you had on me
Two months felt like my whole life plus an eternity
You must not have known how happy you made me
It doesn't matter anymore
My heart is sore
I still love you more than I have loved anyone before
You have my hearts it's yours
I'm sorry I'm trying
But I can't help how I feel
I thought you were the one
I thought I found my one