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294 · May 2015
One to None
Jackie May 2015
I miss you
But I know the feeling isn't mutual
So why do I keep holding onto our memories
I keep your ring next to my bed because maybe one day you will ask for it back
I know you won't actually ask for it back
But I'm holding onto your voice when you said you would never leave me
Words can be so deceiving
People tell me to move on when they don't even know that I play our entire relationship out in my head
Why wouldn't I want to remember when I was happy
Why did I think I could actually be happy
I found the cards you gave me for valentine's day
Why did you lie
You didn't want to be with me forever
I'm not the best thing that ever happened to you
You are doing just fine without me
And no one sees that I'm here crumbling
Self destructing
I know I play it off so well
But I'm trapped in a cell
My mind is on overdrive
I can't seem to feel anything else
If only you knew the hold you had on me
Two months felt like my whole life plus an eternity
You must not have known how happy you made me
It doesn't matter anymore
My heart is sore
I still love you more than I have loved anyone before
You have my hearts it's yours
I'm sorry I'm trying
But I can't help how I feel
I thought you were the one
I thought I found my one
Jackie Jul 2015
My heart seems to be out of rhythm lately
I need to slow down my breaths so I don't get overwhelmed easily
Keep taking punches until you break me
Things are foggy and I don't get it
Maybe because I'm drunk almost 24/7
But I can't help it
If I fall flat on my face does it mean that I'm now broken
I don't want to live like this anymore
I'll get help when I'm home
But here I feel so alone
I don't want others to judge me
But I understand if they don't trust me
Because when I look in the mirror I don't know what I see
And I'm so ashamed
I don't recognize my own face
Your disappointment lingers in my brain
But when I sip from that bottle it all goes away
Until I see you
I sit and talk with you because I need your help
Please I am sinking rapidly
My demons are after me
I'm destructive towards myself
I'm not actually worth it
Too much is happening and I can't reverse it
I'm retreating back to old feelings
It's hard to find meaning
Maybe I'll be fine
Maybe it's do or die
So I'll make the decision to not hurt myself
And somehow find a way to change the cards I dealt for myself
283 · Sep 2015
Haunted House
Jackie Sep 2015
I am a haunted house
Things have died inside me and refuse to leave
They hold onto my bones for stability
And make homes inside my rib cages
The only way out is through my mind
And that's the hardest place to escape
278 · Oct 2017
Goodbye
Jackie Oct 2017
It's nights like this when I just wanna die
One strike away from suicide
I reach out and get set off to the side
No one knows what goes on in my mind

Dear no one
Because no one answered me
Dear no one
Because I'm wide awake while you are fast asleep
Dear no one
There's nothing left of me

And when I die
Don't come so you can cry
Don't fall to your knees
Or beg or plead

Because you were not there for me
Jackie May 2015
I don't understand anymore
Life has thrown one too many punches
And this one was the knockout
I'm left sprawled out on the floor
I was closed off
But with you my heart was an open door
You fooled me
You hit me right in my blind spot
Love struck now has me broken up
I don't want this fight anymore
See with you everything was different
Even my parents got to witness my happiness
That doesn't happen
Why would I allow myself to feel again
I thought this was what you wanted
You left me brokenhearted
Now I'm scrambling to go back to where I started
I'm lost
I don't who I am
Take me back to Arizona where it all began
Because that's when you wanted me as much as I wanted you
Sitting by the pool talking about how I would never lose you
Having you lay next to me while the team was fast asleep
Working in the mountains where our dreams were at our feet
Tell me you don't want that
Tell me you forgot about our talks about tiny homes and road trips
Small dogs and two kids
Now I know what I have to do
Which is say goodbye to you
I love you
I ******* love you
But it's lose lose
Don't forget me
I won't forget you
270 · Dec 2015
Guilt
Jackie Dec 2015
People will say that it's not your fault
They will say that you can't save everyone
And although you nod your head in agreement
You can feel the guilt slowly start to eat away at you
It begins to pick apart your bones and peel away at your skin
And no one will understand that
No one will comprehend the tone of your voice when you tell them how hard you tried
No one will grasp how quickly you fell to the floor as your world imploded
People will say that you just need time
They will say that you need to forgive yourself
But all time does is give you more opportunities to replay your 2 years together
Forgiveness will only make you feel more guilty about leaving when all she ever did was stay
And you can't tell me that I didn't play some kind of role
If you knew her as well as I did, you would know that her whole existence was based around the ones she loved
And all she did was watch one by one
Each of them walking away from her
Until all that she had left was her heartbeat
But even then, a heart can give out
I will never forgive myself for giving out
One heart alone can be strong
But two hearts together
That's invincibility
267 · Jul 2014
Can I Love You
Jackie Jul 2014
Can I just tell you I love you?
Here in this shallow world that holds fear of commitment
Where trust becomes weakened by fame and unmentionable regret
We stand face to face in our passion holding tightly to our desires
Can I just tell you I love you?
As if we have never been hurt before
As if it's our first love and we aren't even a bit prepared
Because being prepared for something indescribable seems strange to both of us
Can I just tell you I love you?
Without hesitation of not receiving the same kind of love back
It's fiery in my heart and extinguished in yours
Let me strike up a match and let our doubts burn
Can I just tell you I love you?
Or does that seem completely unreasonable
Because I don't know who this is for
Or why it even came to mind
267 · Sep 2015
December 7th
Jackie Sep 2015
Something has changed
I no longer have this desire to hold onto you
Everything that happened no longer haunts me
I've let go of you, the loaded gun that was constantly pressed to my forehead
The bomb constantly ticking but never running out
I used you to fill the cracks in my heart but you quickly became the knife that carved more
If love is disaster
You are the biggest storm
Winds and rain that came crashing into my home
Destroying everything that you knew I cherished
Words and promises have never been such poison
I now have to prepare myself
Prepare to deal with someone like you
Love is more than late night conversations
And early morning kisses
Love is the fondation we build off of
Love is overcoming every obstacle you face
Love is realizing that heartbreak is possible but still going for it anyways
Love is someone's greatest treasure and hardest downfall
You were once my greatest gift
Holding onto you would be like holding onto the thing that kills me
I could only blame myself for my demise
So goodbye
266 · Mar 2015
1/31/15
Jackie Mar 2015
I love you
With all your flaws and your complicated past
You could never drive me away
Only drive me closer to you
I want to be the one who changes your expectations and your reality
I don't plan on fixing you but I will fix myself for you
I only want you to cry because you are happy otherwise I will be crying right next to you
I love when you get excited about crafts and scary movies
I love sitting next to you in the van so I can glance over at you
I love when you lay next to me on my cot that barely fits both of us so I have to pull you in close
Our round is ending soon and the thought of leaving you makes me sick to my stomach
I don't want to leave you
Even 6 weeks feels like our entire life
Having you with me every day makes each day the best one of my life
Even when you act crazy I still just want to smile at you
Everything I've wanted is sitting right across from me
And I have never seen something so beautiful
264 · Aug 2015
It's Unfortunate
Jackie Aug 2015
You are my downfall
But I'm okay with that
I would live on my knees forever
264 · Sep 2015
My Feelings on God
Jackie Sep 2015
I've always struggled with writing about God because lately I feel like my relationship with Him is almost nonexistent

I grew up like any normal Catholic kid. I was baptized, received reconciliation and first communion but never really felt His presence

In middle school the only thing reminding me that there even was a God was the fact that I went to church once a week and one of my classes had to be religion

8th grade my faith somehow became restored. I started believing for the first time ever that maybe I was worthy of being one of God's creations

High school came and I was in a sea of public school kids who would look at you funny if you said "God bless you" after someone sneezed. I no longer felt His presence.

My 10 months in AmeriCorps was this incredible journey. The amount of love and compassion was undeniable and yet I really didn't ever think about God. When times were hard I didn't turn to Him. When I was overwhelmed with happiness I didn't stop to thank Him.

I want to believe
I want there to be something more
Something bigger than this universe and the reason why I feel small
Everything doesn't really make sense to me
And the more I try to figure it out the more lost I get
Because when everything was crumbling around me, I didn't feel some all loving power
I felt the emptiness of my heart and the pounding in the back of my head
And I don't know if God is real or not
This is first time admitting that
I always had this fear that if I stopped believing God would reveal Himself and strike me down
But I am here
I am alive
And that has to mean something
264 · Jan 2014
You Didn't Make Me
Jackie Jan 2014
I try to focus on who I will become
Not who I was
I try to focus on where I'm going
Not where I've been
I try to focus on what I've accomplished
Not all the times I've failed
And you look at me with no faith
Trying to act like you made me the person I am today
I wish I wasn't connected to you
I wish I didn't resemble you
Because who I am
That's not because of you
It's because of me
I am who I am
Because I promised myself
That I wouldn't end up like you
263 · Nov 2015
Seeing Every Part
Jackie Nov 2015
You really take me as I am
And that's so beautiful
I can feel your old soul
I can feel your pure heart
You see me
With my lost soul
And damaged heart
And you know who I am
260 · Jul 2015
I Want Life Again
Jackie Jul 2015
I want to celebrate my life
I want long hugs and painful laughs
Late night drives and midnight mass
I want my family to be fixed and my friends close to me
Because drinking and cutting are not the things I want for me
I want to live again
I want my dreams to be free and unhinged
I want my mind clear with vast horizons so I know things will be okay again
I want people to be proud of me
I want trust and appreciation
Because I won't go anywhere unless you are there
Why is this so hard again
Being surrounded by good people doesn't always mean that you will be good too
I want to prove to you that I can do this because proving it to myself doesn't give me satisfaction
I want real life again
Not the numbness from alcohol that only kept my spirits up for brief moments until reality came knocking me to the ground
I want pain that is worth fighting through
I want to know that I will come out on top so I know to keep pushing
I want Jackie Harrington
In all her forms and states of mind
With all her flaws and ideas of life and how to cope
I want her with all the emotions and turmoil that comes with her ongoing struggles
Everything that makes her human
I want to accept all of it
Because dealing with issues and coping with them are two different things
And I want to cope with myself rather than accept my fate
Because someone special once told me that I was the strongest person she knew
And for the first time I don't want to prove her wrong
255 · Mar 2021
Last J
Jackie Mar 2021
I take you in like my last J
Come fill me up
Overfill my cup
I give too much but that's okay
At the end I'm me
Tell me it's enough
Oh darling do you see right through me?
I know I've chipped away
Apparently you never knew me
Or you would have stayed
I'm just a lost girl
Living in a lost world
Til I found you
Only you were lost too
254 · Oct 2015
In A Way
Jackie Oct 2015
I love her in a way that stops my whole body
In a way that captures every ounce of the air I breathe in
I love her in a way that makes me head ache
And my joints tense up
She is everything that could make me happy for the rest of my life
And that scares the hell out of me
Love like that can **** you
But I love her in a way that people remember forever
I love her in a way that overpowers all matter and cosmic power
And I would die for that
254 · Apr 2016
Love is Blind
Jackie Apr 2016
You made me feel invalid
As if my feelings were not allowed to be shared
And I should be hollow inside
You made yourself the ruler
Taller than everyone
Keeper of right and wrong
And I always seemed to be wrong
You used my humor against me
And I began to question my words
Acting as if you didn't know my intentions
You put blame on your past
Using it as your playing chip
Your 'get out of jail free' card
Verifying your inability to see hypocrisy
You punished me
Distanced yourself to make me suffer
Watched me beg for forgiveness
Until you felt better
You shared my past
As if it was just another book for you
Giving others the power to hold me in the palm of their hands
You were the only one who could feel
The only one who could hurt
The only one who could yell or turn their back
The only one could be big
And I let you
I chose loving your abuse over loving my sanity
Love really is blind
Pain is all seeing
And I'm sorry other people made you this way
You had power that would have lasted a lifetime
And I would have stayed weak for you
253 · Aug 2014
Content Without Heart
Jackie Aug 2014
I think right now I've finally settled
But I better knock on wood because if I don't it will all probably crumble
I was supposed to have said goodbye to you but your memory floats around in my brain like a plastic bag that just caught the wind
I really thought I figured it out too
Like how is it that one person can change your whole outlook on life but would change her whole outlook just to please you
I still think it's my fault but I will never be able to get her side of the story
I want to close that chapter but I'm still waiting for the ending
I hope she can see me now because I'm finally living the life we talked about
I told her I wanted to change the world and she told me to go for it
I just wish I could have changed her world
If I wasn't so caught up with the ex I had we would probably still be together
That's only if she would still be alive today
Which is hoping for a lot
But I am content with things now which seems strange
My mind is usually all over the place that I can never actually calm down long enough to look around
And right now I'm blissfully at peace
But the date that shuts down my heart is coming up
I don't know whether to smile or rip my hair out on that day
Smile because I knew you and got a chance to love you
Rip my hair out because I lost you and let you slip away
I hate myself everyday and if you knew that you would be angry
You hated when I drowned myself in self pity
But what am I supposed to do
The thought of you not being here makes me weak in the knees and please just don't fade away in my brain
I deleted everything out of pure rage
I don't want to forget
Please don't go away
My heart is not stable
My brain is not able to take such a blow
And I know that eventually someone will come along and make me feel whole again
But for right now you still hold that spot
It's yours
I'm happy now
So happy
I just wish you could be here and be happy with me
We were in the same boat
Feeling the same emotions
Why is it that you did something about it and I didn't?
252 · Apr 2016
Chapter Five
Jackie Apr 2016
For the first time in ten months I am alone
This life once had so much meaning and now I don't know my place anymore
There is pressure to start school or find work
But I am exhausted
Both physically and mentally
I just want to sleep
The people closest to me are now so far away
And I wonder if I will ever see them again
The day has never felt so empty
They talk about all the wonderful things that can happen in life after AmeriCorps
But no one talks about the adjustment
Trying to find meaning in an unremarkable day
Finding balance in free time
Making connections with the outside world because AmeriCorps was its own universe
No one talks about how hard it will be to find yourself again
I'm starting to look for jobs but it all seems pretty meaningless
If I can't help people then what is the point
My family doesn't understand
They all took the path society laid out for them
College
9-5 job
Bills
Routine
And they don't understand that I am already fighting so hard to stay here
I can't deal with a life if I'm not happy
But I settle anyways
I don't really talk anymore
My family is spread out throughout the country
And I'm just kind of here
Not really living
Just existing
And my biggest fear is that I won't find that passion again
Because everyone knows that the older you get
The harder it is to follow dreams
Society doesn't want to see you succeed
And I'm only 19 but my mentality is now sky high
I want quality over quantity
I'm realizing that I was on a high
I was up alongside the clouds
And now I'm crashing
My eyes are closed
And I'm waiting to hit the ground....
252 · Aug 2014
Our Voice
Jackie Aug 2014
If I stand here long enough to listen to you complete a full sentence how many brain cells will I lose?
As you sit in that chair that seems to wobble under the weight of your ignorance
You say things like "We should never have a female president" and "Women should not be in control of their own bodies"
But then pull out bible passages about love and respect
I sit across from you bitting my tongue because I would rather insult you in my head then make a scene
You ramble on about how women belong in the kitchen and I can't sit still anymore
I feel like my anger could take this whole room down by just releasing my breath
I feel like my rage could stop time long enough for me to punch you in the face
I ask you if you respect the women in your life
You turn and look at me like I'm some ****** off the street who has no right to state a claim
I ask you again if you respect the women in your life
You say
"Of course I do"
I look at you and take calming breaths that seem to silence the world
I build my confidence up and say
"Then why would you want to hold them back?"
247 · May 2015
Letter to a Dead Girl
Jackie May 2015
Dear Kai
I remember the goodbye letter you wrote me the first time you were placed in the hospital
Here is my response
I'm sorry that I could not see how amazing you were
It's hard to see the beautiful things when you are constantly covered by darkness
I know you were fully committed to me but constant doesn't seem to be in my vocabulary
And consistency gives me anxiety
The fact that you couldn't see your true potential bothers me
Anyone who can love me must be pretty special
I want you to know that I haven't forgiven myself
The fact that I left you dangling doesn't make me sound all that great
And when I needed you you were there within minutes
For some reason I couldn't do the same for you
I don't really know if I can let this go
1 year without you and I have nothing to show
And if I had only known
I would have stayed
I would have stayed
You just needed someone to stay
Someone who cared
Your parents blamed me but they were never really there
They blamed me so they wouldn't feel guilt
They tore down everything you built
They took you away from me and my love
I wanted a program from your funeral
They said I was out of luck
I just wanted to say goodbye one last time
The last thing I said should have been I love you
Instead I told you not to talk to me
I always think that will solve everything
Why do I hurt the ones who care about me
Kai you deserved better
Even though you thought I was perfect
I always knew I wasn't worth it
And I can't explain how sorry I am
If I had tears left I would be crying right now
I just wish you were here so we could talk
I should have stayed instead of walked
241 · Aug 2015
Little Blessing
Jackie Aug 2015
Little blessing
You are already so loved
This world will be hard
You will fall and cry
But your mom and dad will pick you up
And your crazy family will keep you laughing
As you grow
This world will grow with you
And love will fill you
Little blessing
You are in for one fun ride
Hold on tight
Little blessing
We can't wait to see who you become
For my niece
241 · Jul 2014
My Sea
Jackie Jul 2014
I'm sitting here doing everything I can not to blame myself
I have no other answers
I'm contemplating the last thought that zoomed past your mind
Before you knew it was time
And if suicide was your only way out
How did you truly live your life
Is loving someone else possible
When all you did was sit and want to die
You said I was the reason you stayed
So I must of been the reason you drifted away
And whether or not I put that rope around your neck
I still hate myself to this day
How could I say I love you
But let you leave me
And believe me
This is not easy
Life is not easy
I can listen to everyone around me
Tell me that I wasn't selfish
But why is it that every time I close my eyes I see you
You smile and then you frown
My world gets turned upside down
What if I can't love someone the way I loved you
What if someone can't love me the way you loved me
What if I sit here for the rest of my life knowing that I let love slip through my fingers like its sand
And when you see sand you never think about each grain individually
You never appreciate someone until they're gone
Don't tell me that there are other fish in the sea
She was my sea
238 · Feb 2018
I Want You
Jackie Feb 2018
**** I want you
And I don't just mean physical
I want you at 3A.M. when you're shaking and crying from your insecurities
And I want you at 4P.M. when you come bursting through the doors with 5 bags in your hands
I want you when you it's cold outside and when the sun is beating down
I want you every day of the week and twice on Sundays
I want to know who your hero's are
Who you can't stand
What makes you laugh uncontrollably
I want to learn about your past and make you excited for your future
I want you when you are full of affection
And I want you when you can't stand to be around me
Most of all
Even when there seems to be no light around us
I will always be here wanting you
232 · May 2021
Disassociate
Jackie May 2021
I let my eyes blur when I think of her
Or that time my mom killed me with just her words
I stare into the abyss like I'm proud of it
Like I don't care that I feel this way
Like I can only breathe inside this pain
I disassociate
Like that time the love of my life killed herself
And I never asked for help
I just sat inside myself
Or that time I almost died in Massachusetts
And I use to wish it happened and I live with that
I think about that time in Colorado 2a.m when I almost didn't come back
These are the times I hate
I disassociate
230 · Sep 2015
I Don't Have Much Anymore
Jackie Sep 2015
I've gotten to a point where even my heart wants to give up
My heart has kept me here
Kept me aware
Kept me in tune with the people around me
It's kept me selfless
Now I want to be selfish
I can't seem to shake this one
I haven't been this alone since 2am in Colorado
Wine can be dangerous
My mind can leave people devastated
I've been feeling empty
And I think it's because I give a little bit of me to everyone
Especially the ones who don't deserve any
If only she could see me now
I'm starting to think I won't get very far
And that's okay
I don't know who will read this
I don't know if you can tell that I don't know what to say
My mind isn't what it used to be
I won't apologize because I don't belive in saying I'm sorry
I just want to stop feeling like this
I don't have any metaphors or poetic phrases that will make people comment about how beautiful this is
I don't have the energy to write something that will leave people wanting more
I just have what I feel
I just have a bunch of normal words laid out in a normal setting because my feelings can't be expressed properly
If you saw me now you wouldn't recognize me
I've lost my meaning and everything I believe in
I wish I had more to say
I just want to be happy
And that sounds so cliché
228 · Jan 2019
Always Lost
Jackie Jan 2019
I've lost myself searching for other people
My map runs in circles
If I could just find a will to live I could live a life willingly
I'm trapped inside a small room in my mind with even smaller windows
Never giving enough light to push the silence out
I strike matches over and over hoping they will cast a shadow
I need some kind of cover from the monsters
I used to have galaxies in my eyes and gold in my veins
But everything is dark now and I've never been the same
If she could see me in my pure form she'd have to stay
Do I cycle through people or do people cycle through me
If none of us are growing how will we ever reach our needs
I just need you next to me
I'm no longer whole and I've made a mess of things
The blade still has too much power over me
Will I make it to 23
I lose myself time and time again
My only friends are the voices in my head
I've lost myself searching for other people
If I stop...


Who will come find me?
225 · Jun 2014
Life Without Her
Jackie Jun 2014
What I've learned about death
Is that it can creep up on you
And steal your sunshine
Break your windows
And let the cold in
It can leave you devastated
To the point where you have to rebuild

What I've learned about life
Is that its the biggest blessing
The greatest gift
If you do it right
It can leave you totally satisfied
With the wind at your back
Only pushing you forward

What I've learned about death
Is that there are terrible ways to go
That make it seem like someone was worthless
You can find somebody totally unlike themselves
Mangled and bruised
Destroyed on the outside
But worse on the inside

What I've learned about life
Is that it can bring someone amazing
Someone intoxicating to point that it leaves you speechless
Bringing love like it was left at your doorstep
Only to realize that no one has ever made you feel more alive
And life would seem pointless without them
And you have no idea why

What I've learned about death
Is that it took away that special person
Took her without leaving anything for me to hold onto
It exploited her weaknesses
And took advantage
Only bringing heartache
Leaving me nothing but the rest of my life to live without her
224 · Feb 2018
Remarkable
Jackie Feb 2018
She doesn't believe in herself
Only in her demons
She shakes at the sight of herself
But everything about her leaves me speechless
She holds back for my sake
But I latch on to stop the ache
And we're both fighting separate battles but still take cover in each other
She is my light
Without fail
She's always built herself up on her own
Homegrown with a lasting impression
She has no problem with self expression
And let me just say I ******* love that
She breaks up the daily routine of my mind
And I try to fill the void left by the people who never really looked at her
She is remarkable
You should never try to contain her
Because she is too free and too wild
And sometimes I just stop and watch
Watch her move and form around people and places
Watch her go up in flames only to vanish leaving nothing but smoke
223 · Aug 2014
People to Stars
Jackie Aug 2014
I used to think stars were lost people trapped in the sky
Like somehow their thoughts led them so far off the beaten path that they winded up there
I spent nights thinking of ways I could reach them because things down here didn't seem as fun as being so close to God
I thought they were the lucky ones
The ones who didn't have to witness pain or hard times like I did on earth
The ones who seemed to know their place
The ones who never had to answer to anyone
They just shined because they wanted to
Being down here meant looking up at them with envy
Stars were not stars
They were people
With stories and pasts and wisdom that took them to high places
They were kings and queens and that's why some were bigger than others
If you looked close enough you could see the trail they left behind
As if they were leaving a path for others to follow
I used to think that when someone died they became stars
They were brought to the sky to watch over everyone
To shine a small light in total darkness
Making sure that we kept our heads up
I saw them move as if they were trying to reach us
I grew up to learn about the vast universe and noticed how I felt smaller and smaller after each science class
Stars became ***** of light and energy instead of people
And looking at lost people turned into looking at constellations that I hoped would show me the way home
The universe changed for me
It became this mystery that questioned my faith and seemed to leave me more confused
It answered questions on how the Earth was formed
But left me lost on the ones stuck in my own brain
They forced me to see the world in a different way
Taking pieces of my imagination and throwing it up there so my thoughts would get lost and I would lose track of time
My mind expanded like the milky way and stretched far beyond the visible sky
Don't let me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon
Stars are still people to me
And one day I will become one too
217 · Jun 2014
Do I Even Make Sense?
Jackie Jun 2014
I stare at a blank piece of paper
And wait for my mind to go numb
I find it hard to believe that my fresh start is in my reach
I'm moving up in life
No one ever thought that was possible
I've reached the top of my metaphorical mountain
One more step I'll plummet to the bottom
The view is nice from up here
Calm and peaceful
My voyage was not easy
But then again I don't think life would be worth it if it was easy
Blessings are everywhere as long as you keep your head level with your heart
I don't like to think people are beneath me
We all began at the same start
It's where we finish that matters
I use to think I was useless without her
I won't give a name
It would take away from the mystery
But would give away the answer to my history
And if I were to say
Would it reveal anything
Or leave you even more blind
The pain is real
I wonder if I drink as much as you do
My pain would drown in the toxic waters
I won't try again though
That would be too easy for you
I think I want to see the world
At least the beautiful parts
So I guess that means the whole world
I used to think everything was in black and white before there was color TV
Some parts of my life are in black and white
Without color they seem to drag on until I eventually forget them
My childhood must of been in black and white
I don't remember any of it
I hope there is a good reason for that
I'm looking at a clock and part of me thinks time is an illusion
Can we really actually measure it
Or do we just give our best guess
And are yawns actually contagious
Or do we just notice someone doing it and then realize how tired we actually are
Because even though we've somehow measured time
No one ever has enough


I now stare at this paper full of words and wonder if anything I ever say makes sense
203 · Sep 2015
Who I Am and What I Lost
Jackie Sep 2015
She is now just words
Just ink that flows out of my pen
And thoughts that form in my head
She is the wind
She is the time it takes to mend my heart
And I think that's beautiful
Knowing I have my own personal angel
My own glimpse into my future
Knowing Heaven is real because I know she was accepted
She is my heartbeat
The stars in my eyes
The fire in my mind
True love is immeasurable

I am my writings
Just stories that display the makings of who I am
And everything I wish to be
I am pain
I am destruction to the things I hold dear
And the carpenter that puts it all back together
Knowing that I am equally as catastrophic as I am productive
My own personal triumph and demise
Knowing I won't make it unless I give in
I am abundant
Millions of atoms
Immense possibility
My growth determines my value

I am my dark mind and her choices
I am her love and my doubt
I am everything I took from her and what I kept for myself
She was every chance I ever had at true love
And I will always blame myself
200 · Apr 2018
Saving Grace
Jackie Apr 2018
Pills on pills on pills on pills
I can't ******* sleep
Tape my eyes shut
And just drift away
I want to ******* dream
She meets me in my silence
And listens when I scream
If she knew that I would die for her, she'd want to be with me
All this madness
All this sadness
When will it all just end
And in this blackness all I have is your love to give me strength
So please don't leave me
Or deceive me
My mind is a grenade
I can't pull the pin and let them win, my hand is on the blade
Pills on pills on pills on pills
I can't ******* sleep
Stop me please from shaking
I want to be at peace
I was drowning
Till you found me
You're saving me each day
And I will love you till I lose you
It will be my darkest day
But in my dreams there you'll be
My only saving grace
200 · Jul 2015
Nothing Lasts
Jackie Jul 2015
I thought I had everything in place
Little did I know the universe was playing it's own game
I'm slipping
My steady pace up the hill has quickly turned into a deadly climb up a mountain
The only thing that makes sense is how much pressure I can apply to my skin
But I can't
The more people that leave now the better
I'm no longer light as a feather
The stresses of my home life are flooding back
10 months wasn't enough when it comes to that
I need to find something that matters because if I rely on myself I won't get very far
I now need more tattoos to cover my scars
I'm terrified right now
The pain from my past mixes with my anxiety for the future
Each one is a bomb and it's lose, lose
I tell people not to worry because they can't see past my facade
It's odd
Maybe if I just worried more...
I can't go there
Stay away from the dark thoughts about Kai
I'm feeling pretty numb
People talk and I stare
So they don't notice I'm there
I don't really want to be here
Or there
Really anywhere
I'm finding out that I love unconditionally
I thought that was supposed to be a good thing
The more you love the more you leave
The more you leave the more you bleed
Pain never really made sense to me
My ways of coping are destructive
I don't like hurting other people but have no problem hurting myself
My actions determine my value
I don't know anything else
The more I tell people the more they want to know
How can I tell the ones I love that my heart is growing cold
Take me back
Take me back to the days where innocence was praised
Take me back to when I wasn't ashamed
I don't know what to do
My depression is creeping back
I'm falling through the cracks
One day it won't matter
One day people will remember that I mattered
197 · Sep 2015
Nothing at All
Jackie Sep 2015
I feel nothing
Not even fear
And that can't be good
Because I know I should be afraid
191 · Jul 2019
Untitled
Jackie Jul 2019
Finding the right words is hard when you are constantly choking on sound
This and that
And the aftermath
**** a sunrise
Let my mind set
I try to follow roadsigns but I missed my exit and refuse to turn back
I don't time travel well
She has planted deep roots inside of me
The cold is harsh and all I want is to protect her tiny heartbeat
Shake me
Shake me
Shake me till I erupt with passion again
I've been standing still for too long
I don't know how to grow
I know how to stretch
Pull me apart
Make me feel again
She is pure sunshine and she knows it
And I know that God exists just by how she looks at me
I'm rebuilding for the sake of consistent structure
My foundation is custom
Make me see
Make me see
Make me see what is right in front of me
Life is meant to be wandered through
Not wondering through
And my God what a beautiful thing to be experiencing it with you
181 · Feb 2021
Seeking
Jackie Feb 2021
Remember when I was seeking God but not myself?
I'm not sure what made me stop
The soreness in my knees?
My fascination with trees?
My fear of not being free?
Cobble stone paths laid out by Father's leading the mass
Only the holiest of wines
I search for many things but only what takes me high
Oh Sister's, why do you sacrifice?
My hands stretched out hoping to reach something bigger than the atoms that create us all
All of us looking before we fall
I take trips because they allow me to see more
And if You are out there way past the fake and adoring
You know where I'll be
Climbing the Tree that sets us all free
173 · Jan 2021
Oh
Jackie Jan 2021
Oh
Oh mother
How do you define love?
I'll never see
Oh brother
How do you define your soul?
Does father know?
Oh sister
How does it feel to be the first alone?
156 · Mar 2021
Hard Feelings
Jackie Mar 2021
I am my own worst enemy
At times I only see what my demons see
And when it gets hard to breathe
I think about my body six feet deep
And I'm just being honest
Half my life I sliced my skin just so I could feel inside myself
Now you know I needed help
There are no hard feelings
But these are my hard feelings
Remember when I lost that weight?
You all thought I looked so great...
I think my mom only loved the space I filled
Now she doesn't even love that
Sometimes I just can't connect
Why are these feelings harder to express?
There are no hard feelings
But these are my hard feelings
153 · Feb 2021
Here Comes the Silence
Jackie Feb 2021
I let the smoke fill my dim lit room
Too afraid to address how I feel
Too afraid to be used
Out of body
Sometimes it's like I don't have anybody
Why do I need the smoke when I start to feel kind of funny?
And why do you love me?
I'm losing sight of what I'm writing
Why do I bite my tongue?
Why do I choose to go silent?
Here comes the silence
My mind feels altered
Sometimes it feels so good when I start to go under
I miss my colors
Wish I was brighter
Probably should have been loved more as a child
Here comes the silence
150 · Nov 2019
Contemplating
Jackie Nov 2019
Why do I contemplate suicide
When everyone around me dies
Then will I realize

The hardest thoughts keep me trapped in the dark
The only thing that keeps me going is when I light up a spark
Drown in the art
The thing about living is you gotta be who you are
But in my mind I think it will never change
And in my eyes it's the darkest of days
You're right next to me
It got the best of me
Giving up all of my needs
But honestly I know that it's just who I am
And in the long run it's about where I land
But I can't even stand
Where's the line
I don't want to be who I am
I hate the drip
But I'm killing for tips
I don't want a life that's filled with that kind of risk
But what if it hit
What if it ripped
What if I left it all behind because I don't want to live
But sometimes I do want to live
It's like a drift
Moving and swaying
If I can't figure it out is it worth staying
But I think about the pain
The constant rain
If I had no more days

I don't even know how that all came out
110 · May 2020
Depression House
Jackie May 2020
This depression house holds false warmth
It just wants to keep me caged
And I've been trying to move my way out
But that has been a losing race
These walls marked with red
Will not let me escape my head
And I think I am running out of space
This seems to be the only home I know
The windows are black holes
The lines on the doors are not to show how I've grown
Only what happens when I'm alone
And you
You like to show up from time to time
With those eyes
That make me want to die
You must be the landlord of my mind
And I can feel my shoulders ache
And I'm trying to leave but it's too late
So if you plan to stay for days
Make sure when you go there is no trace
This depression house holds me close
Like I wish you would
The ceilings are screaming
The pipes have rust
And if you hear me shouting from the rooftop
Bring me a ladder and get me the **** down
Before I turn to dust
105 · Oct 2020
Cold Feet
Jackie Oct 2020
Sometimes I feel like I lack so much passion
Is that me or the depression
I can't seem to form thoughts that let people in
I want love but I seem to fall too deep into it
And I talk a lot but no one is really listening

I scribble out the words
Like I forget everything that hurts
Are you sure I'm not asleep
Are you sure this is happening

Why am I crying
Why did it hurt that she never saw me
There is so much suppressed noise that I'm completely silent
If you can't handle me when I'm wordless
Don't expect yourself to make it hurt less
If you could hear my thoughts you'd understand that I'm complex
And they're endless

But what's the use
I'm used to being abused by the pain I can't seem to lose
Don't speak for me
I might be slow to draw
But don't think for me
My trigger finger is quick to take me out of my misery
Thank God for cold feet

Thank God I'm terrible at endings
90 · Aug 2020
I Prayed
Jackie Aug 2020
I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed
For you to come and save the day
My sun was gone
My skies were gray
But then you left and went away
So I prayed
And I prayed for you that night
I gave everything so you could shine
So please stay away
I can't breathe when you're around
Leave it at bay
I'm trying to stay above the ground
So I prayed
Then you burnt me with that cigarette
So I caved
Now I'm here with these regrets
And now I don't pray
Cause you took all the faith in me
Now I pay
Every night when I can't sleep
Pray for me
85 · Jul 2020
Wave
Jackie Jul 2020
I am a wave
Searching for the shore
Is it a place or a soul
I do not know
I will crash and then reform
Because I can always grow
I am a wave
Searching for a home
81 · Sep 2020
It's Okay
Jackie Sep 2020
I've ran from myself for far too long
I'm all caught up
To see where I am now
I have to look back at where I began
The sky is mixed with colors because I can finally see
My hands are right in front of me
Lead me to the promise land
Let me bathe under the sun
The only thing I want to feel is the rain and how it runs
There's no need for fear or doubt
Let the stars guide me home
The only thing I've ever had
The only thing I know
I've learned to breathe more deeply
I've learned to take it in
And knowing I'm only 24
I've learned to live again
76 · Jul 2020
Transgressions
Jackie Jul 2020
I am stuck in my own transgressions
One more hit straight to my head

I can't sleep so I'm always lonely
Thoughts at night are the ones who hold me

And there are so many people but none of them are you
I see evil around me but you are always good

So tell me everything you can't say
And I'm climing towards better days
Cause sometimes it's hard but only the start
Escape your fears
Run with your heart
Get back to who you are

I don't float so I'm always sinking
One more night that I drawn in my drinking

I'm still a mess with some different baggage
Unstable but I always manage

And I have so many habits I don't know what to choose
And I have so much damage I don't know what to do

— The End —