You take my breath away
You sweep my feet out from under me
You catch me by surprise
When I look in your eyes
And I see
That you believe in me
Want me to succeed
You freeze all of the pain that is hibernating in my heart
You melt me down until you see nothing but emotion
Give me potion
That shows my weaknesses
Forcing me to turn them into strengths
And fate has brought you to me
Just keep smiling and I promise you'll never lose me
You know exactly what to say to bring me out of my dark place
And that's not easy
Ask anybody who knows me
You make my pain subside
And I realize
That I'm alive when you are near me
But you don't even see past the wall that's called friendship
You have all these dudes talking to you
But I'll treat you like a princess
I want to defend your honor
Harbor all the feelings I have
And write so they can make sense
Because honestly you've taken my sense of direction
My moral compass leads directly to you
Throw that thing in the garbage and I'll still go directly to you
You see you might not see that I believe in you and me
And if there is a you and me
I swear to love you unconditionally
You have my head spinning
And in my dizziness I only see you
You are the bright light that brings me out of the fog
You are my North Star
I look at you
And I'm home

You came out of nowhere
You came darting through my blind spot
You definitely caught me off guard
Talking turned into flirting
Flirting turned into I like you
I like you turned into I love you
How did we get there
How did everything fall apart
You said I hurt you
I know I did
My feelings were unclear and I dragged your heart around like it was a rag doll
I understand what I did, believe me
I used to stay awake at night with pains in my chest
It felt like knives but I knew I deserved it
You were crazy
You still are crazy
But I can't say that I was completely sane
And I did love you
But I wasn't ready for the love that you wanted to give me
Now we are on opposite sides of the playing field
You hate me
You wanted to die because of me... well and other people
You thought I was your saviour
I just wanted you to be healthy
Now you text and call my phone explaining how worthless I am
And how much you hate me
You talk about my insecurities like they are yours to tell
I trust you with my secrets and you play them like your favorite song on repeat
You try to get to me
I'm sorry for what I did
I hope you can forgive me
Forgive me so you can focus on yourself
I don't hate you
But I can't save you

I always looked for a sense of belonging
A calling
Something I could claim as my own
I searched for something inside me
But never felt at home
And as people started to find themselves
I was stuck in a hole
Not knowing who I was
Searching long and hard
For my soul
People told me to be whoever I wanted
And I just wanted to be free
But this secret kept a hold on me
It latched on and wouldn't let go
And I knew I had to let it go
But this whole feeling of belonging
Stopped me in my tracks
I couldn't look back
See it turns out that I knew who I was
But I hoped along the way
It would change
I would hopefully outgrow these feelings
Even though deep down I knew they would stay the same
So my sense of belonging quickly went away
And I had to be ok with it
The sad thing is
I spent so much time pushing it away
Instead of smiling and being ok
So much time lost trying to find a new me
So much time lost trying to be free
Instead of living

A day consists of 24 hours
1,440 minutes
86,400 seconds
That average person takes about 20,000 breaths a day
Every second of every day is based around my recovery
Mind games
Distractions
How many times I can look in the mirror and tell myself no
At least 4
Maybe 5
3 on a good day
A person blinks almost 28,800 times in 24 hours
But sometimes I just stare
So I can focus on something other than my recovery
My addiction
My need for something other than what I can't have
I can hear my thought process
Sometimes it's quiet
Like when I'm asleep
Other times it's the only thing I hear
So I call her because she knows how to turn down the volume
She is my recovery
Because even for a split second everything is perfect when I see her
The amount of breaths I take double
The number of times I blink goes down rapidly
My need for recovery increases exponentially
She is the calm that flows over my body
The rush of oxygen to my brain
When she talks to me my number of bad days plummet
Because she loves me and I love her
So by hurting me I hurt her
My recovery is an ongoing process
That consists of 24 hours
1,440 minutes
86,400 seconds
Of me trying not to hurt myself
1 day turns into 1 victory
And when I tell her that over the phone I can sense that she is smiling
So 1 day really turns into 2 victories

I believe things happen for a reason
Whether it's God or the force
Some kind of cosmic power pulling strings and writing stories
I'm not sure
But I can tell you that I have somehow defied my own odds
The choices I made did not take me away
I am here
There were times when I didn't think I would make it my high school graduation and that I would not see my 18th birthday
The scars on my arms multiplied
And the demons in my head screamed louder than ever before
I lost my first love
Then I lost my second
I watched my family explode from close range
And then I watched from a far
Every insecurity swirled in my head like a blizzard
I could not see a bright future
And then something clicked
Something bigger than myself took hold of my mind
My heart was no longer heavy
And I don't know if that's God stepping in or my own power of will
But I have somehow managed to save myself
And I know there is no quick fix to this disease that has held me captive for so long
But I'm realizing that you should never stop moving when it gets dark
Never quit breathing when the air gets thin
And never back down even when your opponent is twice your size
Or even when your opponent is yourself
I know things happen for a reason
That's obviously why I'm still here
And although there is still a dark cloud over me
I can start to see the sun beams
And I know one day my sky will be clear

I think about where I started
Weak
Insecure
Unmotivated
So lost that not even turn by turn directions could help me
Feeling like the end of the road was so far away
Like what was even the point
Why should I try or believe in anything
All I could do was rely on others to get me through

I think about where I am now
Strong
Confident
Motivated
Found my path that God made for me
Everything falling into place
All I have to do is keep fighting
I was knocked down over and over again only to come back swinging
And now I can say I have a purpose

I think about where I'm going
Only up
Only forward
Only on the right path
Taking what I've learned and what I'm going to learn to succeed
I just need to keep following my dreams
Keeping the right people close to me
I know the true definition of struggling
And the true definition of over coming

Sometimes I feel like the only soul in a room full of ghosts
All floating around looking for a host
And I'm just standing there
Alone and waiting for something magical to happen
Like if I click my heels 3 times I'll somehow find where I belong
Or typing my name into a search engine will figure out who I am
Because honestly I feel like a foreigner
Constantly having my eyes glued to a map like I've never seen this place before
I stumble around and search for a greater meaning
Because what I'm feeling right now doesn't seem to satisfy me
My need to breathe something other than air is mesmerizing
Life to me isn't about sitting behind a desk because that doesn't teach me who I am
I was taught to believe that feeling like a stranger was ok
As long as its what's normal
And I stand in what feels like quick sand
I reach for a hand
But no one seems to see me
They all want me to be this great and all powerful thing
But I can't even figure out what's right from what's easy
And you expect me to enter the real world when all I've learned is what's in a textbook
Trigonometry won't help me solve the real problems in my life
But that's okay
Because getting A's is what really matters
I'll tell you what matters
Feeling like I belong somewhere when my whole life has been conformity
Social normity
And normity isn't even a word
But it somehow makes sense
I don't want to feel like the only soul in a room full of ghosts
I want to express my feelings that matter the most

Sometimes I do too much
Say too much
Feel too much
And when I don't do enough
I feel lost
I saw how my habits effected me
Now I see how they effect others
My negativity being the leading cause of my world crashing in
But I won't let that win
I just can't
I'm rebuilding the demolished wreck that was my life
And the next time someone tries to knock it down
I will put up a fight
I can't keep living like this
I just cant
Thinking that this dude was the cause
When honestly I just gave up
Relied on others to get me through
When all I did was try and bring them down with me too
I'm sorry
I made my best friend question our friendship
Making her think it was a suicide hotline
1-800-SAVE-ME
I'm sorry
That I let my demons come between us
And thankfully you are the realest person in my life
Who took me
And shook me
Telling me to change or she would back away
I understand space
Just know that I love you
And I'm going to improve
After the musical you won't even recognize me
I'll still be as white as can be
With the same personality
But I will be there for you
Just like you've been there for me
I can't even remember what my smile looks like
But it will be returning tonight

I've been losing sleep
I think I'm in way too deep
Pull me out
And when I scream it doesn't make a sound
Dear anyone
How can I love you and not love myself?
The fire burns but I still love the smell
Would you hate me if I went to hell?
Dear anyone

Mom and Dad
Do you realize that your hate effects me
Mom and Dad
Do you realize that how you live reflects upon me
Mom and Dad
Do you know I just wish you would stop fighting
For ten minutes realize that we are watching
Mom and Dad
I can't learn how to be a good person if you don't show me
Mom and Dad
Do you understand that I want to get as far away as possible
That I want to keep running and never look back
Mom and Dad
I can't even remember the last time you said you loved me
Are you proud of me
Mom and Dad
I wish I could say all of this but you are too busy fighting
Do you even see me crying
Mom and Dad
Do you know that you both just make everything harder
I have no choice but to become stronger
Mom and Dad
You are starting to lose me
Mom and Dad
One day I will be gone
And you will ask what went wrong
Mom and Dad
I can no longer watch you destroy this family
I'm only 17
I can't take care of everything
Mom and Dad
I hate when you talk about one another
And look at my brother
He is only 11
He is starting to lose faith in Heaven
Mom and Dad
He doesn't deserve this
He shouldn't have to witness this
Mom and Dad
You need to get help
One day I wont be here to take care of him
One day I won't be here to explain to him what's going on
Or to reassure him that there is more to this world
Mom and Dad
While I am finishing this poem
You are fighting
Mom and Dad
Stop fighting and fix things

Right now someone is dying
While you sit on your couch screaming at your videogames as you **** innocent people
Right now someone is starving
While you spend $300 dollars on a fancy meal that you will end up wasting
Right now a child is wishing they could go to school
While you sleep through high school and complain about how its wasting your time
                         Perspective

Never date a writer
Those ******* will remember everything
Like the way your eyes looked on your first date
Or how you wore your hair
They will store every bit of you in their memory
Like how you like your coffee
Or what kind of soup to buy when you're sick
And when something happens, you know you will become their next piece of writing
They will recall every word said
They will talk about how you lit up in the beginning only resulting in a burnt out match
Your story will become fuel
Your time spent will become hours of trying to capture every ounce of your beauty
Trying to hit every mark of how your face looked when you first heard that she loved you
Never date a writer
Because they will take everything in like vital knowledge
Collecting parts of you like old coins
Putting together the puzzle that will result in their most painful poem
Your story will last forever
You will see the shifts and turning points
From when love was so brand new and shiny
All leading up to the blowout
And there is nothing you can do to stop it
Because you decided to date a writer
So prepare yourself to become their most prized work

I find myself always over thinking
Does she like me?
What does this mean?
Does this make me look gay?
Why are you doing this to me?
My thoughts overflow like a waterfall
Constantly going going going
Stop just take a deep breath
Don't freak out
Don't let them see you bleeding
Don't show signs of weakness
Blink less
Stay calm
If they see you crumbling
They will fill in your cracks
With hate and jokes
Like negative cement
Until you are stiff
With hatred towards yourself
Causing you to over think some more
Do they like me?
Why are they whispering?
Did I do something wrong?
My thoughts cave in my subconscious
And I can't help but sit there and worry
Pacing back and forth
Mind racing
Hands shaking
Heart pounding
Don't let them hear you breathing
Don't let them see you sweating
They can't get to you
Words become knives
Rumors become wounds
Jokes become scars
And I'm left there
Over thinking
Why did they say that?
Why did they treat me this way?
Over thinking back into depression
Why do they hate me?
Why am I even here?
I cause myself to reevaluate
Until I'm questioning my motives
I tell myself I'm a fighter
Pull all nighters
Until I'm calm enough to face the world
People hate because you are doing something great
Right?
I'm great right?
Why let people get to you
When everything they say doesn't have to define you
I'm in the eye of the storm
The worst part is behind me
Funny how the things you said didn't blind me
Relax
You're okay
Stop over thinking
Pray
Why can't they just leave me alone?
Why do I let my over thinking show?

I lie awake
And think about everything I hate
Everything that relates
To my past
Old habits coming back
And I have to adapt
To the overwhelming amounts of self hate
The new scars on my arm
Tell me that I've come a long way
They will eventually go away
And then I can focus on each day
My thoughts and my feelings
Happen to be two different things
My thoughts control my feelings
But my feelings cause my thoughts
So I ought to reevaluate my life choices
Even though I don't have many
Only ones I regret
And then you come along
And make my heart strong
I can't help but feel like the universe owes me one
Or two
Or three
I'm not picky
I just want something extraordinary
To make up for all the holes that are left of me
Maybe I over think things
I try not feel
But think too much to makes sure that everything is real
I'm thinking myself into depression
Regression
Every thought leads to violent expression
And I just need someone to look at me
And say that I'm okay
My thoughts lead me away from anything that involves positivity
Just say that you believe in me
And that you will never leave me
Why sleep when I can think
Why think when I can sleep
Maybe if I think about sleeping it will happen
Everything around me slowly becomes everything that's hurt me
I don't want to die
I just need to find a reason to stay alive

I am a daughter a sister and a lover but a fighter when needed

I take what I can get but never give up hope that I may one day get more

I am a hopeless romantic and not afraid to admit it I am lost in a sea of dreams and not sure which way I should swim

People say I fall in love to quickly but maybe they don't fall fast enough

I am stubborn and doubtful I try not give into temptations or peer pressure

I am wild and crazy, loud and at times immature I am not afraid to say how I feel but then hesitate to make sure I don't hurt people

I am a friend I am overprotective and can go a little insane I try my best to make the ones I love happy I never fail to intertwine my dreams and my reality So I can one day say I achieved far beyond what was thought of me

I am an artist an athlete and a comedian I write how I feel, play to win and make others smile

I am gay but I don't let it define me I accept it I am proud of it

I am a one track mind with an old soul I am curly hair green eyes and talent that flows threw my bones

I try to be myself at all times I am a dreamer a believer and most of all I am an achiever Hoping that one day I find my place in this world and if I get lost I won't hesitate to stop and ask for directions

I am not afraid to chase my dreams even if they take me to the unknown I am more then what is shown on the outside I am more then you know

I'm becoming weary
Not caring about anything
Life is getting dreary
I can't see the beautiful things
Time is slowing down
My mind is shutting down
The hardest part of my day is just getting up
I haven't been sleeping
I toss and turn
Like waves hitting the shore and then retreating
My heart is taking one hell of a beating
Can you tell that I'm trying to lose all feeling
I want to hide away
Wait for all the pain to go away
I walk through life in a haze
Smile when I have to
My only response is "I'm okay"
I feel close to snapping
Everything is happening so rapidly
A catastrophe
Why me
I refuse to make wishes
Because they don't come true
I look like a fool
But if I had to make a wish
It would be that happiness is right around the corner
Is it to much to ask that I get one night of sleep
I don't wish to dream
And if I scream
Will it draw attention
This sadness is an infection
Spreading quickly
To every inch of my being
And I could fall right now
But no one would be around
So I'll try not to make a sound
I'm not good with endings
Or anything
So do I keep writing
Letting go of pain in each word
I envy birds
For their ability to fly away
And if I return
I hope things aren't the same
But for now I've run out of things to say
I just want to sleep my pain away

If I had to explain her
You would need to give me minute
Come from two different worlds
And yet we get it
Now you could say we are opposites
But you would never know
That she's my best friend
The one who picks me up when I'm down
The one who fights off all my demons
The one who knows all my secrets
She is everything you could want in a best friend
The thought of leaving her terrifies me
I'll cry every night
Like a cry baby
Telephone calls and text messages
Just won't be the same
I'll tattoo her name in my heart and in my brain
Desiree
Who has been there when the world shut me out
Was there when I came out
Would beat up all of my haters
If I asked her to
I would never ask her to
But I know she would
Just to prove
That skin color doesn't matter
Sexuality doesn't matter
We overcome all of that
Wherever we end up
Wherever our paths take us
Distance will never break us
We are just to close

I used to think I wasn't worthy of life
And when people heard about my thoughts
They looked at me like I was crazy
As if I didn't know how special I was
Standing alone in the rain
Like I just watched my lover leave and board a train
I looked in the mirror only to see every made up flaw that my imagination could orchestrate
I smiled only to have my eyes change my appearance into a twisted shape I couldn't recognize
My hatred towards myself lead to hatred towards others
I looked at people and thought of every mistake I could think of to match my own
I didn't know how to love myself
People's affirmations of me didn't mean anything
My words towards myself were like swords
And my friends words which I thought would be shields
Were really just medication to numb down what I was feeling
Thinking as long as they saw something more in me
I would somehow change my opinion
I walk down streets and see endless amounts of self confidence
If I had a nickel for every time my parents said something nice about me
I wouldn't have enough to pick myself out of the gutters and wash off
If only I knew sooner that approval from others is like trying to drive a car without gas
You can sit and picture all the places it will take you
But you will never reach any of them
I look in the mirror now to see the person that everyone else sees
Too bad it only took me 18 years to finally love myself

I didn't choose this
I didn't want this
Sometimes we're dealt bad cards
And we have to live with it
Hated for being me
Judged for being me
And all those people, they don't really see
What it takes to say those words
Two little words
With the biggest meaning
I'm gay
Hooray
Look at me I did it
Now I really have to live with it
Whispers in the halls
Prank phone calls
Very mature guys
Watch as another kid takes their life
"It was a joke"
That's the biggest lie
You could have stopped it
Instead you stood there and watched it
Now who's laughing
Yea no one
Now its all your fault
And you'll have to live with it
No more prank phone calls
No more jokes
No more put downs
All because of a few little words
Do you understand now
Two little words
The difference between life and death
This is me
I didn't choose this
I didn't want this
But it's a new day
And I can't change the fact that
**I am gay

I'm tired
Real tired
I want the lights to go out for awhile
Not dream
Just sleep
Until all the pain melts away
Or retreats back to those summer days

I'm tired
Real tired
I want to sleep until the world is good again
I can stick my feet in the sand a hundred times
The ocean never fails to wash away my sadness

I was never the type to want a normal life
But everything around me is a wind tunnel
And I hesitate because I'm afraid I will get ****** in
I close my eyes
Will this be my demise
Maybe if I open one eye I can take life in without suffering
Maybe if I keep one eye open that eye will only take in the beauty of the world
I was taught that with life comes good and bad and if you just hold out your hands
You can be ready to catch whatever is thrown at you
So I keep my good eye open and hope that I see what is coming my way

But knowing that I am tired makes it harder to keep that eye open
If I close it, it could be the end
I can keep fighting with one eye open
And miss out
Or slowly become unable to see the good
Slowly grow tired of being strong for so long

I'm tired
Real tired
I'm not sure if I'm a fighter

I was taught to be myself
That knowledge was the best kind of wealth
That I would grow up to be someone great
Now that's all demolished because of the hate
Trying to find myself
In a world full of lost people
Is like trying to find a piece of hay
In a pile full of needles
Everywhere I go
I get poked
People with all their gay jokes
Or the ones who try and tell me that God doesn't love me
Oh I'm sorry I didn't know you spoke for the Big Man up above me
And people ask the dumbest question
I feel obligated to give sarcastic answers
See the ones who judge me
Are usually the ones who don't know me
I can be your best friend
Or your worst enemy
It all depends on how you treat me
And people usually don't understand
That I'll be hated forever
Even if I can get married anywhere
Hatred will live on forever
Which we shouldn't be proud of
And what will our children think
When they look back at our history
Oh they hated gay people
Like that's some big mystery
See I could talk about this all day
I'll take my pride all the way to my grave
Live each day as if it were my last
While you're busy hating me
I'll just look at you and laugh

My brain seems to get more damaged each day
These unstoppable rays of sunshine leave me in a haze
I'm amazed that I'm able to function
I'm stuck in between an unthinkable junction
That makes me wonder if life is all its cracked up to be
I sit in darkness with my hands over my forehead
And let the pain and my brain duke it out
I pass out from exhaustion never to find out who wins
Great battles happen between my eyes
And believe me
These explosions look better in movies
My vision goes in and out like when you blink rapidly
Clear
Blurry
Distorted
I don't even know what I'm looking at anymore
They say when you fall you should get back up
Believe me if my body remembered gravity I would stand on my own two feet
Without questioning the laws of physics
I could just stand without thinking the world was wobbly
Brain damage will hopefully damage the memories that I hold
Because a little memory loss might do my heart some good
This concussion does not play around
Each day makes me lose ground
My emotions plummet and then sore to the sky
Light and noise make it so my thoughts freeze and my heart skips a beat
Whatever is going on in my head
Won't let me sleep
Writing this was a struggle
My writing is becoming painful

When I look back and think about my closet
Dark
Small
Prison
I think of all my fears cramped in one small space
Just waiting to break free and be released
I think of all the hateful words said
All the looks
All the whispers
Thinking that my closet was my safe haven
Only to realize that my closet was slowly killing any hope of being myself
Realizing that if I stayed in there
I would be setting an example
That being real is too scary
That being 100% is not worth it
But stepping out showed freedom
Freedom to think how I wanted
Freedom to dress how I wanted
Freedom to hold her hand
Freedom to say "I love this girl"
My closet was the scariest place
Somewhere that told me to stay
Stepping out meant being vulnerable
Closets aren't about vulnerability
They are about restrictions
Alienation
My closet was my biggest enemy
My hater
A total threat
My actions speak louder than my closets scariest images in my head
Don't think that your closet is there to help you
Protect you
Break free
And be who you want to be

My mind seems to wander aimlessly
As the clock ticks away
Chips away at my shame that was built up from yesterday
It pains me to see you this way
But if time is our only healer
I'll see you in the future
And hope that your pain has washed away
But until then let me introduce you to today
He is my dear friend
The last of his kind
I hope you don't mind that I'm taking the time to write this out
I only have one doubt
And that's life in it of itself
But why not take the time to thank all of the haters
It sounds cliche but you made me greater
Took every ounce of hope I had and destroyed it
You wanted to feel 10 feet tall
But ended up demoted
So you can take my words to heart
Better yet
Take your words and shove it
I write better when I'm sleep deprived
But with the dreams that I'm having
I'll be eaten alive
Never waste time sleeping when I can be forming words that help bring meaning to everything that had no explanation
Sign this form its a written notation of everything you've taken away
They're not special rights if I'm fighting for the same ones that you already have
It's called equality idiot
As in equal
We're all the same
We might look different but our blood runs the same way
But you must not get enough to your brain
It's sad isn't it
When people would rather be exactly like everyone else in order to be accepted
They give up feeling in order to make others happy
I remember when I was like that
Here's a secret fact
I grew up being told that if I did everything right
The man of my dreams would one day find me
7th grade I looked at a girl and thought I did everything wrong
What was going on in my heart
Was not okay
I didn't know what people would say
Punishing myself
Thinking I could change fate
Lead me away from my faith
And brought me nothing but pain
It's safe to say I didn't understand anything about life
Or that caring about what other people thought only brought people to their knees
So please
Just be you
I'm through trying to make excuses for why I'm not happy
I accept the fact that I've let life drag me down
But look at me now
I can say out loud that I love a girl
People say that when you find yourself you will know it
I think I'll go to bed now
Wake up and look around
Because I've figured everything out

I haven't told anyone that I still think about dying
Thoughts like that never make people comfortable
Even though death is natural
But when a teenager mentions death in the near future everyone wants to jump to the nearest conclusion
I'm not trying to say I'm suicidal
Believe me I have big plans ahead
I just think
More than I should
I think about how things would be if I just didn't be
If I just didn't be myself
If I just didn't be around
And if that makes me crazy
Then I have been crazy for quite some time
People never know
Never know true thoughts or someone's intentions
Until they expose themselves
Until they show the inner makings of their being
True feeling isn't always common
I just want people to know that they don't own me
And if I were to die today I could be confident in the fact that I expressed myself
I gave my life the effort of a solider and a peacekeeper
I pray that I see another day but if I don't that's okay
Colorado screams my name as if I'm destined to be there
Destined to find my way
Death is so easy
Life is what we have to be afraid of
And I have never been so scared in my life
Fear makes you stronger
So I'll continue the fight

Promises aren't really promises
I lost more than the bottle did
And it kills me to know you chose alcohol over me
Even though I purposely make myself bleed
So I guess I'm a hypocrite
I can't put the knife down
I've inherited the urge for the bottle too
So I guess I'm spitting image of you
I light myself on fire just to keep others warm
I cause problems and jump head first into storms
The ones I love can't get through to me
We all sat in the living room crying trying to get through to you
Addiction is nasty business
It's left our family in pieces
I can't even look at you
The man who gave me life and my name
Would rather sit in a bar than go to my basketball games
The one who came home late and belligerent
Knocked over our tree and basically ruined Christmas
The man who said I wouldn't amount to anything because I was just like him
Now I'm sitting in my room alone with a pen
And I can't explain it
I want to reach out to you
But I know what I say won't change what you do
And it was so awkward on Easter
We acted like we didn't know each other
Every time I walked into a room you left like I wasn't welcomed or something
And you're my dad
You're supposed to be my hero
How am I supposed to grow up when all I've seen is violence and evil
And I know you've been through ****
Have guilt with losing your dad
And honestly we're headed down that same path
But I can't keep giving you a chance
Only to end up broken in half
Because you don't listen
You don't think you're in the wrong
But why would I push you away if everything was good and calm
I want you in my life but only if you stay strong
You went sober for over 100 days and I thought that our hell was gone
I thought God answered my prayers
But I don't really believe anymore
19 years of birthday wishes
I don't see Him anymore
And maybe prayers can't save you
Maybe tears can't save you
Maybe this is a battle that only you can face
I know you've been running this race for a long time
I would be tired too
But you have 3 kids that want to depend on you
Danny is only 14
This is not the world he should see
I want him to be a good man one day
How is he supposed to learn if you won't even stay
You run from everything including your family
Dad tell me what you need from me
I'll do anything to have to you in my life
I'll stay up all day and all night
I'll be a better person
I won't pick stupid little fights
**** I'll marry a man if it gives our relationship life
I wish I could say all of this to you
God only knows what I would do
So please dad put the bottle down
I don't know what you're searching for but I know you won't find it at the bottom of your favorite brand
There isn't more I can say that could make you change your ways
As much as it scares me these might be your final days
All your drinking buddies are dying
And why don't you see
That it's only a matter of time before the addiction takes you away from me
There isn't much else I can say
All my thoughts are on this page
If you do change
Let me know
I would like my dad to see me grow

Are you proud
That I'm even your daughter
Are you proud
To know that I'm gay
Would you love me any more
If I were straight
Are you proud of what I've accomplished
Do you wish I were different
You've demolished every once of my self confidence
Do you love me
Do you regret having me
If I had left this earth
Would you want me back
You see dad
We are not that different
We talk like we are strangers
Fight and put each other in danger
And I want to make you proud
Your negatively is loud
Constantly in my head
I think of ways to die while in my bed
And you don't even care
How dare
You call me worthless
How dare
You call me ugly
How dare you sit there
And tell me everything that's wrong with who I am
And then wonder why I resent you
I've never needed to depend on you
I will travel across this earth before I call for you
You made me afraid to be myself
You made me want to **** myself
But you sit there and continue to justify your actions
I'll continue to write
Did you know that's my passion
So dad
Can you tell I'm trying to get your attention
You never gave me love or affection
You use ever excuse to put me down
Then kick me while I'm still on the ground
I just want to make you proud

I want nothing more than my future kids to live in peace
To see their mothers hand in hand
Feeling nothing but free
I want them to feel unconditional love from us
Unlike me when I grew up
If I can one day look at my kids and feel proud
I know I did my job
Because it doesn't always take a mother and father
Only love
I want nothing more than my future kids to feel accepted
To stand tall knowing they have two mothers
And maybe to others
That's not normal but they couldn't picture it any other way
One day
There won't be straight and gay marriage
One day
We won't have laws and restrictions
One day
Opinion about religion won't be a contributing factor
I want nothing more than to be equal to everyone else
We aren't fighting for special rights
We want what everyone else already has
One day my family will be called normal
Until that day
I will let my words do the explaining

"The gay kid"
I am so much more
"The lesbian"
That's not what I'm here for
I'm proud to be who I am
I know where I stand
People act like that's all they see
Those words that they think define me
But they don't see the real me
I'm the girl who will say "I love you" everyday
I'm the girl who will go out of her way to make someone smile
I'm the girl who would rather make you laugh than make you cry
Someone who will stay up and talk all night
I'm the girl with the complicated past
I'm the girl who didn't think would last
The smile on my face is a permanent reminder that life is hard
But being gay doesn't always mean that I'm happy
Don't tell me that who I am is defined by that word
I've heard that when we die
We aren't always remembered
If you are going to remember me
Remember what I've accomplished
Remember the time I made you laugh
The time I made you smile
Remember the time I looked in your eyes and told you everything's okay
I don't want to just be gay
I will always be proud of who I am
But people don't always understand
That my life isn't based on who I love
Its based on the good, the bad, and everything I overcome

I sometimes feel like I'm walking in circles
A cyclone of emotions
An unknown miracle
I sometimes feel like I'm close to failure
Swaying back and forth
An unstable teeter totter
Going from reality to pure nightmare
I'm left totally scared
Pondering the thought of going back there
I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in one place
To everyone else life is one big race
A test of strength
To determine ones fate
And I'm left in a past date
A complex state..... of mind
I sometimes feel like I'm close to crumbling
One big gust of wind will leave me struggling
Fumbling and juggling
My hardship and my triumph
Both reveal battle scars
One last trip to mars
To look at the stars
Before I hit earth
To revert back to my old ways
The olden days
I sometimes feel like I can't stop rambling
Or time traveling
Maybe just one more time
To ease my mind
I sometimes feel like...
There I go again
Not enough ink in my pen
To finish off my train of thought
So I'll just stop

You call me an inspiration
Overcoming all this devastation
I don't feel any different
Beneath my skin
Is every hurtful word said
Laid out in chronological order
Starting from the day I decided to be myself
Instead of hiding behind doors meant for clothes
And you can say I had it easy
You can say I took all of the glory
But you know my name
You don't know my story
And my story is written on my arms
Written in notebooks
Where my notes should be
Instead I have outlines
About how much you meant to me
And I was told to pay attention
Listen to today's lesson
But I had already learned mine
I was two days ahead of time
And why apologize
When all you do is speak lies
I don't want your pity
Or your comments that you think are witty
So please save your half hearted words of encouragement
I don't need your secondhand prayers
Just let me be myself
And I won't need to cuss you out
Or live with doubt
About the way people see me
Everyone wants to be seen rather than heard
But my words are the only way I'm visible
So why cut out my tongue
Then ask why I am not outspoken
Or some lesbian token
Just because I don't shed tears in front of you
Doesn't mean that I don't feel pain
You asked me why I wanted to **** myself
And I told you I wanted to be happy
A life without me seems almost perfect
But people tell me I'm worth it
So it must be true
I can look at the sky a thousand times
And still wonder why its blue

If I could I would pocket the sun
Wrap it up and bring you your own piece of bliss
Take the moon in all its forms
So you could keep a close eye on all the beautiful things
Just so you could know that the universe is at your fingertips

Friendship is like the glue that holds  a cracked vase together
You know that you will never be perfect again
But that glue will always remain
And in times of need
Friendship is the sun that warms you up
Lifts you up
Keeps the clouds away
And when the bond is strong
Drama nor distance can rip it apart
Strong today
Strong from the start
And when you've hit a bump in the road
Friendship is your tow truck
They always say lift your head up
And at the end of the day you can look back at all the pain
Realize where you are now and smile it away
Friendship is that smile on your face
So appreciate it everyday

I never thought I'd make it to my senior year
I never thought that life would bring me here
And yes there were struggles and fears
But you always believed in me

You knew I was lost and alone
You knew I needed something I could call my own
And I was never promised greatness
But that never stopped you from letting me shine

You watched me succeed
You watched me fail
You knew I was in dire need
But you knew I would always prevail

You are my special friend
The one who taught me so much
I can't believe where I've been
I can't believe that you have changed my life this much

Stop romanticizing the people who hurt you
Don't compare them to a dead flower
Or a sunset
Talk about how they erupted like a volcano
Talk about how they made you fall like a tree
They are storm clouds
Bad habits
Don't talk about the way they chose to love you
Talk about how they spoke when they were angry
Describe their impatience
Don't use a metaphor to illustrate the curves of their smiles
The beauty of their eyes
Talk about the shape of their fists
The noise behind the slamming doors
Don't act like you were the problem and all they did was try and find a solution
You are not a math problem
You are an abstract painting
And they never took the time to fully look at you
Let alone appreciate all you had to offer
Let's not talk about what you might have done wrong
Let's talk about how they reacted
Why do we have to punish ourselves because someone else didn't know how to love us
Why do we break a part our way of thinking to match someone else's thought process
We are all tiny planets
Small universes
Don't cover up your own beauty and wonder just because someone wasn't prepared
Shine the way you want to
Let's talk about that

My mind is blocked
I look at the clock
And notice my time is running out
My head is full of doubt
I'm sorry mom
I've let you down
I promise I'm coming around
Its 12:02 in the morning
Always storming in my brain
Must catch a wave and ride it out
Maybe there is more then sky beyond those clouds
But all I see are people
Always moving
Always running about
No one stops anymore to look around
I must find a place where time and space corroborate
Am I visible now
Or do you need to get your eyes checked
This place is not for everyone
Only the heartless
Or maybe the ones who take the time to speak their mind
Instead of falling in line
Please excuse me I don't mean to be rude
But you are in my way
Keeping me at bay
And all this time I kept myself locked away
Nowadays everyone's fake
Until you figure out that we aren't supposed to relate
And we all have eyes but we don't use them
We all just live to die
So why not show the world what you hide inside
Just because you don't fit in doesn't mean you don't deserve your moment of glory
For once put aside your differences and learn that we are all one
My mind is no longer blocked
I've beaten the clock
My thoughts are clear and I am sure of one thing only
Life
Among other things
Is for the living
If you are tired of feeling
Well join the club
Its 12:05 and tonight I remember why I'm alive
Look deep inside and realize that whether you are fully awake or paralyzed
We all live to die
So don't criticize
Only memorize what you want to say
When someone asks you
How did you change the world?

Time is irrelevant
You've been gone for one year now and that seems almost impossible
How can one year be out of the way when our love is still in my brain
It's almost insane
I thought love lived forever
But forever seems to be nonexistent
How could I let you die when you wouldn't let me die
You jump I jump remember?
You said love could overcome anything
I guess that didn't include demons
My feelings are overwhelming
Come back to me
Since you've left I've only had half of me
I feel my heart slowly being ripped away from my chest
I did my best
But my best wasn't good enough
You deserved better
They always deserve better
I wonder if your parents have come to terms
I bet it still burns
Knowing they turned away when they found out you were gay
You turned to me and I ran away
Dark thoughts can be scary
Especially when the one you love has darker ones
I could have been your light
But I chose to fade away
All you needed was a single glimpse of hope
But it became depleted
You probably felt defeated
And I just left you bleeding
I hate myself
This was not supposed to happen
We should have gotten better together
Kai I love you more than anything
This is my tribute to you
To the girl with long brown hair and green eyes
Tan skin and small thighs
The girl who wanted to grow into a woman
The one who played soccer and the violin
The one who liked pizza more than me and the WWE
The girl with a big smile and bigger heart
The one who loved me from the start
Who craved acceptance
Who got crushed by people's hatred
If only they knew like I did
They would have seen how special you were
They wouldn't have treated you like that
This is for the girl who loved me when I couldn't love myself
This isn't how it's supposed to be
In loving memory

I've done so much for the wrong people
Fell in love with evil
Gave my heart to the ones who only wanted something to feed on
Now I'm coming back strong
I feel good
And I see you looking sad
Because I'm not moping around like I was when you packed up and left
You want me to be miserable
But you are out of luck
I'm no longer stuck
I actually don't give a ****
Do you think having *** with random people will make you happy
You don't want to be alone but you also don't want commitment
And it's a shame people will fall for you only to get ******* by you
Here's the truth
I think you are ****
The lowest of the low
I used to place you between the moon and sun
Because in my world you were the one who glowed
I should have seen it coming
But love is blinding
Now I'm seeing clearly
You are not the one I thought I was finding
I thought I hit the jackpot
But I was actually stuck in a bad spot
Now I'm free
Someone else can deal with your needs
I'll probably never see that $200
But you can have it
But my heart I'll go ahead and grab it
You were never really worthy
Never that deserving
And even though you put me through hell
I still want you to be happy
Isn't that crazy
So I'll wait for the right one to come along
I'll never rely on a girl to make me strong
Loving you was a mistake
But mistakes are great
You come back with a clean slate
Thank you for leaving me
Now I can find someone who believes in me

Life is what you make it
And I'll take it
Whether you believe in me
Or underestimate my ability
To make you feel something
We all have times when we don't want to feel something
Mistakes are just life lessons waiting to happen
My future is based on making things happen
And I happen to have adapted to your constant belittling
I have a feeling that my feelings don't appear to be anything but deceiving
Do you see me being an exact image of who I want to be
And that is somebody whose name is related to fame
For people to know where I came from but love me all the same
If not that's okay
I'm blessed to be here today
In the 6th grade that would of all changed
I'm changing to be creative
If I'm not creative then I feel outdated
Being outdated is beyond my amazement
The amount of amazement in our world today is dwindling
If you want to hate me I promise it doesn't offend me
And offending my personality is honestly a form of flattery
So it matters to me if you chose to succeed
I will be the only me that ever ceases to exist
So now I chose to exit this form of expression
With a smile on my face
And footsteps permanently engraved in this place today

I can't help but think this is a curse
Day by day it just gets worse
All I want is to find myself
Trying not to be anyone else
And I find myself hoping
That maybe one day I'll be different
Even though I wake up and I'm the same
Am I good enough
Am I strong enough
Will people accept me
Or do I have to fight for love

I am at war with myself
Part of me wants to be someone else
The other part just wants to run
Run and run and run
Until I'm free
Break loose from these chains and hooks
That are tying me down
Until I can't breathe

I feel lost
I feel broken
Hope is slowly slipping
And I look up at the sky
Hoping for a better life
But thankful that I'm alive
Maybe someday I'll realize
What it truly means to be alive
To feel love again
And not let it slip away
To hold onto it and pray
Pray that it stays
Maybe someday I'll accept that fact that I can't change
Could that do possibly be today

You have entered my mind
I'm trying to give it time
But you've set up camp in my subconscious
Playing tricks and chopping me down
Bringing me to a state of vulnerability
So people will think you're winning somehow
Well you've got me
I'm losing control
I know you've been watching
But to you its not old
It's just beginning
Can you please let me sleep one night
Without sending me images that make me scream
If you hurt the ones I love
You will be the one who bleeds
I know you are underestimating me
Just like I underestimated you
You might of got past the cameras
But my eyes are set on you
Push me one more time
And I won't stay in line
The thoughts in my head would make even the toughest man cry

I wish I had wings
More than anything
I wish I could leave everything behind
Or put all negativity to the side
I wish I could say goodbye
To the people who chose to lie
I wish hate didn't exist
I wish my parents would tell me they love me
I wish I could say "I'm gay"
And not have to worry
I wish I could see my grandfather
I wonder if he is okay with who I am
I wish love had no gender
And we could all just be happy that we found someone to make everything better
I wish I could sit here and wipe away my tears and know that I am stronger than my fears
I wish there were only happy tears
And that sadness was just a rumor
I wish I could control my anger
Instead of lashing out
I would problem solve
Because for some reason every time my dad comes stumbling in
I just can't control it
Every time he tells me he didn't want me
I loose all feeling
I really wish my parents would say they love me
Maybe then when other people say it I might believe them
I wish I could predict the future
Just to make sure I turned out alright
Or maybe to prove to people that I can actually accomplish something
I don't know what I'd do
If all they wishes came true
Right out of the blue
But most of all I wish these wishes didn't need to come true

People talk about life like we are guaranteed something
Like we are expected to have something magical
RIP to Kiant'e
RIP to Jacob
Two people who lost the battle before they were even ready to start
My friends
Taken away like they did something wrong
We all know what's coming for us
But the news punches us in the stomach and knocks us down
As if we have no idea what death is
Why did they have to leave so soon
I understand if God was ready to take them
But we weren't ready to lose them
Have they done all they can do
We just have to push through
Life will keep going
Whether we choose to stop or not
We all feel this pain
Day by day everything changes without them
I feel guilty that I have a full life and they don't
I regret the moments I walked passed them
Said nothing
Didn't even smile
Stuck in my own head not thinking about time
**** time
I wish I could go back
But we know its not possible
I just hope they know I love them
I know they are resting easy
So I'll rest easy

Every time I write a poem it ends up being about you
And that worries me
There will come a time when you are no longer in my life for what ever reason
And then what will I write about
Will I write about the emptiness
The void
Will my imagery lack beauty because I won't be describing your smile
Will it lack light because your eyes won't be mentioned
Will I no longer find meaning in love or pain
And I see you in the oceans and the mountains
In morning coffee and late night bonfires
I write about pain
And the way you diminished it
The subtle way you would frustrate me and make laugh simultaneously
And I know I drive you crazy
Lacking understanding of my own abilities
Not grasping my actions and how they affect things
But you're the only thing worth having
I write about you because I want to feel alive and you are life encapsulated into perfect moments
I'm more afraid if I stop writing about you
Nothing has brought me more joy than being in your presence
You make me want to grow
I'm stubborn and slow but I'm changing
This started out as fear and now I find myself forming the strength to turn it into hope
And that's all you

A friend once asked me what my closet was like
I paused and looked at him
What was my closet like?
Oh it was a lovely place
Full of crushed dreams and self hate
Maybe I'll take you there sometime
What was my closet like?
It was full of people's words
People's judgement
God
Religion
Hell
Disease
People stare like there is something wrong with me
What was my closet like?
It was a jail cell
Where my individuality was suffocated by societies hands
Wrapped around my neck
Screaming at me to be normal
What was my closet like?
It was a small room in my parents house
I ran there when their fighting became unbearable
I'll just come out at a better time
What was my closet like?
It was a scary place
Like the deeps of hell
I tried to climb out
But the devil had me *******
******* by own fears
If I get out people will hate me
My friends and family will abandon me
I will have nothing
When this boy asked me what my closet was like
I wanted to punch him
As if my closet were an old friend who I hadn't seen in awhile
Like I was supposed to list detail after detail of my life inside this cage
Like it wasn't a big deal
How can you be so blind
My closet
Killed everything inside me
When I came out I was reborn
What was my closet like?
He asked
I put my hand over his mouth so he couldn't talk
That's what its like
I said

I remember the first and only time I was in love
Freshman year and had no idea what love was
I saw her walking down the hall and I didn't even know her name
But I knew that I needed to know her name
Is it crazy to say that I remember what she was wearing
Or how her hair fell perfectly on her face
I remember the first time she said "hi" to me
I was lost
But her voice set me free
She later became my best friend
And I wanted so badly to tell her
Tell her that I wrote songs and love poems about her
Tell her that she was the only reason I got up in the morning
Tell her that she made me feel more alive then every single breath I had ever taken
Tell her that I'd give up the right to see the moon and the sun as long as it meant that I could see her smile
And yet she had this control over me
I would do anything to get her to notice me
She'd tell me what to do and I'd come through
Walked through every hallway in order to find her
Pushed away all my friends so I could spend time with her
And when she pushed me away
I had to find a way to make her stay
Or risk losing everything
And when she stopped talking to me
I lost everything
While she was to busy finding ways to feel alive
I was slowly sinking into a hole of absolute darkness
Thinking that the only way out was to have her in my life
The only way out was to see her smile
To hear that she loved me
I remember the first and only time I was in love
I remember the way she made me feel alive
And the way she made me want to die
I remember holding her in my arms
The sweet scent of her hair
I remember how quickly she left my arms
How quickly the smell of her hair faded
So much pain and time wasted
On a girl who only wanted to hurt me
Love
Is a crazy thing

I don't know if I'm ready
My mind has never been steady
These weights are too heavy
But I'm afraid to set them down
I've found
That you can never be prepared
No matter how long you've been breathing
The air is always surprising when you feel like dying
It overtakes your whole being
Relieving all the wounds that were left behind
Every sign of giving up
Becomes a distant memory
You wish to capture those feelings
Store it away until you desperately need it
Can you believe it
Can you see how small you are when you stand outside
We are all trying to find where we fit in
Like the worlds biggest jigsaw puzzle
You can't try and make the pieces fit
No matter how hard you try to conform them
You can hit then a thousand times but it will never work
Just let them be where they are supposed to be
The world is not about controlling everybody
The world is about harmony
We are all just tiny specks in one giant universe
So why make others feel anymore small then we already are
I hate when people try to change who they are
I look at the stars and see that they are happy being what they were meant to be
And look at the leaves
Never satisfied
Always changing
And how can you be happy if you are always changing
I ask myself who I am
But then rephrase the question
Who do I want to be
But those answers are never easy
So why do people always try to give their input
I long for a mute button
You can't clip a birds wings and then ask why it isn't flying
You can't make me hide who I am but still expect me to succeed
You can't clip my wings

I used to think love was easy
I looked at her
She looked at me
Connection
Simple
I used to think love was easy
If she made me happy
Then I obviously made her happy
We didn't make each other happy
We were just along for the ride
I used to think love was easy
Like if I just tried a little harder
We could make it work this time
If I just proved that my love was more than my words
It would be fine
I used to think love was easy
Like on TV
Holding hands and laughing
Hoping that someone was writing a script for us to play out
That way it could seem real
I used to think love was easy
Like it just jumped out in front of us
Saying here I am
I'm yours
This is where you belong
I used to think love was easy
That's why there are so many love songs
We can write them like we know what we're talking about
They seem so true
So real
I used to think love was easy
Until I met you
And I had to try to love you
My words became salty and dry in my mouth
They didn't come easily
Like they should be
I used to think love was easy
Until I fell in love with you

I've been living a life with no dreams and no bibles
My suicidal tendencies make me think the end is vital
And please
Don't ******* hate me
My life has been a trainwreck since the day they made me
Don't ******* play me
You think I'm innocent with a smart mouth
***** I'm reckless with a hit list and there's only my name on it
I put myself down so other people can step up
I've lost my faith and my passion
I'm really messing up
I never reached for the stars
I was too busy looking at my feet
Father please if you see me send help
I've been walking backwards just to save everyone else
I'm stuck on the *****
And stuck on the blade
Can't ******* sleep at night
And eat every other day
My mind is fading away
I'm honestly trapped in my honesty
She kissed me last night and now I can't breathe...

I'm living a life with no dreams and no bibles
I'm working on my suicidal tendencies because


I'm vital

I'm walking away from you
With all the scars from what you put me through
Told myself I would never fall for you
But yet I did

Now look at us
Spitting images of our parents
No trust
Told you it would never be like that
We weren't our parents
We were us

Our love was strong
Even though the miles seperated us
We got through it all
Pushed aside our fears
And jumped

But we let insecurites run our lives
Listened to every rumor
Every lie
We just couldn't hold on
Like our parents
Not as strong
As we wanted to be

Now we are both free
But still see our parents
Horrible history

Now that's us
But we tried so hard
To not fall into that catagory