We met over the flat lands of dream chasing
Where our common passion and will brought us 13,000 feet into the stars
Fire pits and lunch bells had never brought people closer to a reachable goal
She was the definition of beauty
With quiet hints of fire and eloquence
She could move mountains
And that's what she did
You could see it in her eyes
True desire for completion
She grew as tall as the trees we were surrounded by
And they could not contain her
She was as free and bold as the mountain peaks we lived on
As calm and gentle as the breeze that embraced us each morning
And as mysterious as the secrets she never told
The rocky paths we took jolted our heartbeats and shook our cores
But brought us to our destinies
She wanted nothing more than to be a small ripple in that lake
A small dose of change in a world that needed something more
She became my rock
That supported me on my way to self discovery
She never chipped
She never cracked under the heat or pressure
She watched as I burned everything that made me who I was
She became the wind that blew me into the right direction
And the trails that lead me home safely
That mountain captivated us only for a short moment
But she is still captivating me to this day
And nothing was more breathtaking then the views from Mingus Mountain
Until I left the mountain and really looked at her

I want to celebrate my life
I want long hugs and painful laughs
Late night drives and midnight mass
I want my family to be fixed and my friends close to me
Because drinking and cutting are not the things I want for me
I want to live again
I want my dreams to be free and unhinged
I want my mind clear with vast horizons so I know things will be okay again
I want people to be proud of me
I want trust and appreciation
Because I won't go anywhere unless you are there
Why is this so hard again
Being surrounded by good people doesn't always mean that you will be good too
I want to prove to you that I can do this because proving it to myself doesn't give me satisfaction
I want real life again
Not the numbness from alcohol that only kept my spirits up for brief moments until reality came knocking me to the ground
I want pain that is worth fighting through
I want to know that I will come out on top so I know to keep pushing
I want Jackie Harrington
In all her forms and states of mind
With all her flaws and ideas of life and how to cope
I want her with all the emotions and turmoil that comes with her ongoing struggles
Everything that makes her human
I want to accept all of it
Because dealing with issues and coping with them are two different things
And I want to cope with myself rather than accept my fate
Because someone special once told me that I was the strongest person she knew
And for the first time I don't want to prove her wrong

My heart seems to be out of rhythm lately
I need to slow down my breaths so I don't get overwhelmed easily
Keep taking punches until you break me
Things are foggy and I don't get it
Maybe because I'm drunk almost 24/7
But I can't help it
If I fall flat on my face does it mean that I'm now broken
I don't want to live like this anymore
I'll get help when I'm home
But here I feel so alone
I don't want others to judge me
But I understand if they don't trust me
Because when I look in the mirror I don't know what I see
And I'm so ashamed
I don't recognize my own face
Your disappointment lingers in my brain
But when I sip from that bottle it all goes away
Until I see you
I sit and talk with you because I need your help
Please I am sinking rapidly
My demons are after me
I'm destructive towards myself
I'm not actually worth it
Too much is happening and I can't reverse it
I'm retreating back to old feelings
It's hard to find meaning
Maybe I'll be fine
Maybe it's do or die
So I'll make the decision to not hurt myself
And somehow find a way to change the cards I dealt for myself

I need help
There I said it
My first step has been taken
My friends tell me the same thing over and over again
So I guess this time I decided to listen
Cutting can't be my solution
It can't be my antidote
But how can I give up the one thing that coats this pain
I have all my struggles engraved
Every weak moment shown on a canvas that was once flawless
I ran from the word depression only to land in the arms of something I could have prevented
I feed off of stubbornness and pride
"I'm fine"
"You don't have to worry"
When in reality my blood is running down my sleeve
I didn't think it would get this far
A few here a few there
Until my sophomore year
When sleep was not reachable unless pain appeared
1 year without it and it's still my biggest fear
I don't want to
I come to you because you listen
And when I hand you that knife you don't question
You said I need help and I know that
The new scars on my body show that

I thought I had everything in place
Little did I know the universe was playing it's own game
I'm slipping
My steady pace up the hill has quickly turned into a deadly climb up a mountain
The only thing that makes sense is how much pressure I can apply to my skin
But I can't
The more people that leave now the better
I'm no longer light as a feather
The stresses of my home life are flooding back
10 months wasn't enough when it comes to that
I need to find something that matters because if I rely on myself I won't get very far
I now need more tattoos to cover my scars
I'm terrified right now
The pain from my past mixes with my anxiety for the future
Each one is a bomb and it's lose, lose
I tell people not to worry because they can't see past my facade
It's odd
Maybe if I just worried more...
I can't go there
Stay away from the dark thoughts about Kai
I'm feeling pretty numb
People talk and I stare
So they don't notice I'm there
I don't really want to be here
Or there
Really anywhere
I'm finding out that I love unconditionally
I thought that was supposed to be a good thing
The more you love the more you leave
The more you leave the more you bleed
Pain never really made sense to me
My ways of coping are destructive
I don't like hurting other people but have no problem hurting myself
My actions determine my value
I don't know anything else
The more I tell people the more they want to know
How can I tell the ones I love that my heart is growing cold
Take me back
Take me back to the days where innocence was praised
Take me back to when I wasn't ashamed
I don't know what to do
My depression is creeping back
I'm falling through the cracks
One day it won't matter
One day people will remember that I mattered

I can never think of how to start these things
Because starting something means risk
My best friend told me I would fall in love within my 10 months of service
And I'm glad I fell in love with you
Now I know you will read this
So please read carefully
Thank you
I know it has taken me a long time to reach a point of peace
So I am finally able to look back at our relationship
You gave me confidence I never had
You held me up when I was falling
You brought back love that I thought was buried 6 feet deep
I know we talked about forever and that didn't happen
But I would do those 2 months all over again
I know you are in a difficult spot right now
I understand
But know that none of this takes away how amazing you are
Love is one of those things that's unexpected
Thank you for being my favorite surprise
I know I can't take back what was said in the past
But know that I will make up for it in the present and future
I still believe things happen for a reason
I'm not a perfect person
Nothing can ever be perfect in life
But looking back
I still believe that those 2 months were pretty close
I don't want you to think I'm writing this to try and get you back
I'm writing this because we are friends again
And I was always hesitant about that
Until now
Happiness is something we both deserve
Journey's can take a lifetime
But perfect moments are short

Time is irrelevant
You've been gone for one year now and that seems almost impossible
How can one year be out of the way when our love is still in my brain
It's almost insane
I thought love lived forever
But forever seems to be nonexistent
How could I let you die when you wouldn't let me die
You jump I jump remember?
You said love could overcome anything
I guess that didn't include demons
My feelings are overwhelming
Come back to me
Since you've left I've only had half of me
I feel my heart slowly being ripped away from my chest
I did my best
But my best wasn't good enough
You deserved better
They always deserve better
I wonder if your parents have come to terms
I bet it still burns
Knowing they turned away when they found out you were gay
You turned to me and I ran away
Dark thoughts can be scary
Especially when the one you love has darker ones
I could have been your light
But I chose to fade away
All you needed was a single glimpse of hope
But it became depleted
You probably felt defeated
And I just left you bleeding
I hate myself
This was not supposed to happen
We should have gotten better together
Kai I love you more than anything
This is my tribute to you
To the girl with long brown hair and green eyes
Tan skin and small thighs
The girl who wanted to grow into a woman
The one who played soccer and the violin
The one who liked pizza more than me and the WWE
The girl with a big smile and bigger heart
The one who loved me from the start
Who craved acceptance
Who got crushed by people's hatred
If only they knew like I did
They would have seen how special you were
They wouldn't have treated you like that
This is for the girl who loved me when I couldn't love myself
This isn't how it's supposed to be
In loving memory

She has a mind older than her time
She walks with the confidence of a warrior
And talks like she's been through it once or twice
You never quite understand why she hides behind her sunglasses
And then she takes them off
I was afraid to talk to her
Her facade put me off and I held back
Then we were stuck together
She doesn't fully understand emotion
But understands pain all too well
I let her in because it's lonely and I enjoy her company
She hesitates to let me in because she knows how cramped a dark mind can be
Her face is flawless
Even her scars aren't really marks
They represent fights and battles and nothing is more beautiful than a survivor
I think I like her
When everything was falling around me
She held up the walls
Love intertwines through her fingers but she never has full grasp
If you didn't know her
You would think that her universe was made of giant organisms that all seem to unfold over one another
But in reality her life is made of small moments that seem to be endless and almost heartbreaking
She knows how to shut me up and get me going all at the same time
Her smart mouth both irritates and intrigues me
Our back and forth banter is always appreciated after a long day
And when I put that blade to my arm her voice appears slapping me in the subconscious
Her words hold the regret away from my skin
She doesn't even know that she saved my life
Her constant spew of encouragement keeps my knees from buckling and my legs from hitting the ground
I can tell her everything
Even the things that scare me and don't make sense but she listens
She takes them all in as if they were her own burdens
She takes them on even when she is caring her own
I know she doesn't feel the same way but she feels like home
She feels like stability
She feels like the warm hug and embrace from everything you've been searching for
Her love works like a fire
Keep it going and it will never fail you
Let it die and it will never be the same
Let me come in with oxygen and a steady beat
Her presence makes me feel complete

The only thing that's consistent is change
I've played this game too many times
I've realized that no one ever knows what's deep inside
So please tell me why happiness is so hard to find
I've let love slip away one too many times
I feel drained
I want a replay
Those two years run through my head frame by frame
I'm trying to move forward
But being stuck in the past is one of things I'm best at
I'm running on a stationary wheel
I feel like I'm going nowhere
You were always there
I don't know if I could have done more
Your death haunts me to my core
I picture you hanging above the floor
I dream of me standing at the door
I can't save you
My thoughts are stressing me out
Crawling back into my head is doubt
Look at me now
You always believed in me
You always saw something that I could never see
You said I love you daily
Kai I'm trying for you
I know you wouldn't want me stuck in one place when you always knew I could finish this race
But I'm tired
I need you to talk me through
When the water was rising you always knew what to do
I took you for granted
And if I hadn't who knows where you would be
I'm doing it again
I'm blaming me
I really just want to accept it
You are dead
This whole year has been based around that
I found love again
And even though it didn't work out
I now know it's possible again
You always knew someone would take my heart after you
I thought it was too good to be true
I'm having anxiety
Your anniversary is coming
And how can I relive that horrible day
10:30pm phone call from your mother
"Kai is dead"
"I found her hanging above her bed"
"What did you do to her?"
"You broke her heart"
I didn't mean to
"She's dead because of you"
I did all I could do
The phone calls and texts flowed in like a steady stream
Everyone blaming me
I shut down
All I could think about was you being put into the ground
But I can't change it
All I can do is live through each day
Hope that the blame goes away
I'll always love you
The only thing that's consistent is change
I will never walk away
Kai
I should have stayed

Dear Kai
I remember the goodbye letter you wrote me the first time you were placed in the hospital
Here is my response
I'm sorry that I could not see how amazing you were
It's hard to see the beautiful things when you are constantly covered by darkness
I know you were fully committed to me but constant doesn't seem to be in my vocabulary
And consistency gives me anxiety
The fact that you couldn't see your true potential bothers me
Anyone who can love me must be pretty special
I want you to know that I haven't forgiven myself
The fact that I left you dangling doesn't make me sound all that great
And when I needed you you were there within minutes
For some reason I couldn't do the same for you
I don't really know if I can let this go
1 year without you and I have nothing to show
And if I had only known
I would have stayed
I would have stayed
You just needed someone to stay
Someone who cared
Your parents blamed me but they were never really there
They blamed me so they wouldn't feel guilt
They tore down everything you built
They took you away from me and my love
I wanted a program from your funeral
They said I was out of luck
I just wanted to say goodbye one last time
The last thing I said should have been I love you
Instead I told you not to talk to me
I always think that will solve everything
Why do I hurt the ones who care about me
Kai you deserved better
Even though you thought I was perfect
I always knew I wasn't worth it
And I can't explain how sorry I am
If I had tears left I would be crying right now
I just wish you were here so we could talk
I should have stayed instead of walked

I've been thinking about you a lot
I wonder if we would be together if you were here
Life is taking unexpected turns and I wish you were here to direct me
I'm so ******* sorry
Kai I hope you didn't leave hating me
What I did to you just happened to me
I can finally understand why you left
Karma really is a *****
I know I deserved it because I wasn't really worth it
I should have stuck by you
Instead I denied you and ran away
To this day I still think about you
I can't seem to let go
I can't forgive myself
I still wait for you to return
I pray that God gives me a second chance
Kai you were my first love
The only one who was true to me
Why couldn't I save you
Maybe I'll come to you
Wait there
Please
I will be there soon

I've done so much for the wrong people
Fell in love with evil
Gave my heart to the ones who only wanted something to feed on
Now I'm coming back strong
I feel good
And I see you looking sad
Because I'm not moping around like I was when you packed up and left
You want me to be miserable
But you are out of luck
I'm no longer stuck
I actually don't give a ****
Do you think having *** with random people will make you happy
You don't want to be alone but you also don't want commitment
And it's a shame people will fall for you only to get ******* by you
Here's the truth
I think you are ****
The lowest of the low
I used to place you between the moon and sun
Because in my world you were the one who glowed
I should have seen it coming
But love is blinding
Now I'm seeing clearly
You are not the one I thought I was finding
I thought I hit the jackpot
But I was actually stuck in a bad spot
Now I'm free
Someone else can deal with your needs
I'll probably never see that $200
But you can have it
But my heart I'll go ahead and grab it
You were never really worthy
Never that deserving
And even though you put me through hell
I still want you to be happy
Isn't that crazy
So I'll wait for the right one to come along
I'll never rely on a girl to make me strong
Loving you was a mistake
But mistakes are great
You come back with a clean slate
Thank you for leaving me
Now I can find someone who believes in me

I hope you are happy
I hope talking to him brings you the happiness I couldn't give you
You have given me my reason to move on from you
I've realized that I gave you everything
I'm trying to get it all back now
My love seems to go beyond human nature which ends in me getting ****** over
You ****** me over
I have a hard time telling you how I actually feel because offending you is not something I want to do
But I can't deal
So here it goes
I feel destroyed
Cut down
Kicked in the face
Dragged around
I want to yell at you
Cuss
Spew hate
Tell you how much I can't stand you
But in reality
I ******* love you
The fact that I ******* love you makes my skin crawl
You really had it all but dropped the ball
Now I feel two feet tall
And I want to hate you
I really want to ******* hate you
Because maybe that would make moving on easier
You have no problem moving on
Isn't that ******* great
When did you stop loving me
I'll let you know when I stop loving you
This all came out of the blue
But apparently everyone knew
Surprise
The joke is on you Jackie
Now I understand why you ask for our plans every week
It's so you could see him
Why don't you just kick me in the face
I'm already on the ground
So why not take it all and leave me broken down
And the fact that I gave you my heart makes me feel stupid now
But let's be honest
Who really cares
I could end it all right here
When you told me
I literally wanted to curl into a ball in the middle of the road and hope that a car would take me
I stood there with my heart in my throat as you told me you were seeing someone else
You asked if I was okay
I'm great
I can feel so much pain
And not go insane
I threw everything away
Including your ring
I can't sit and stare at it anymore
**** all of this
You wanted to know how I felt
Well this is it

I miss you
But I know the feeling isn't mutual
So why do I keep holding onto our memories
I keep your ring next to my bed because maybe one day you will ask for it back
I know you won't actually ask for it back
But I'm holding onto your voice when you said you would never leave me
Words can be so deceiving
People tell me to move on when they don't even know that I play our entire relationship out in my head
Why wouldn't I want to remember when I was happy
Why did I think I could actually be happy
I found the cards you gave me for valentine's day
Why did you lie
You didn't want to be with me forever
I'm not the best thing that ever happened to you
You are doing just fine without me
And no one sees that I'm here crumbling
Self destructing
I know I play it off so well
But I'm trapped in a cell
My mind is on overdrive
I can't seem to feel anything else
If only you knew the hold you had on me
Two months felt like my whole life plus an eternity
You must not have known how happy you made me
It doesn't matter anymore
My heart is sore
I still love you more than I have loved anyone before
You have my hearts it's yours
I'm sorry I'm trying
But I can't help how I feel
I thought you were the one
I thought I found my one

I should give up now
The effects of my high are fading and now I'm starting to feel it
I honestly don't believe it
But I have no more questions
Love doesn't really exist
It's just all a lesson
But with you, it was real
I actually felt again
I wasn't worried about the past coming up again
I thought you were the one
I mean I actually had faith
All those other girls couldn't even find their place in my heart
But you had the whole thing
I gave it away when you got that ring
And I'm not trying to hurt you
Or make you out to be the bad guy
But I'm dead inside
Totally paralyzed by the effects of you leaving
I wouldn't even call it grieving
I just want you in my life
Because with you the hard times didn't seem so bad
You just make things easier
You know me better than the people I'm related to
You speak the truth
I know I shouldn't have listened to those people who don't really know the depths of me and you
The start of this poem is starting to not be true
I'm okay
You're okay
But I still love you
I guess that's how it'll be for awhile
And I know I will see you from time to time
But now we can actually speak to each other
I won't have to walk away or not stay
And I'm okay with that
I don't know if my feelings will ever change
But soon it won't even matter
We'll go back to our normal lives on different planets
That scares me
I don't want to let you go
I don't want to say goodbye
Now I'm just rambling while watching planes fly by
I know things will never be the same
But if you ever need me
Don't hesitate to call
I would never let you fall

I don't understand anymore
Life has thrown one too many punches
And this one was the knockout
I'm left sprawled out on the floor
I was closed off
But with you my heart was an open door
You fooled me
You hit me right in my blind spot
Love struck now has me broken up
I don't want this fight anymore
See with you everything was different
Even my parents got to witness my happiness
That doesn't happen
Why would I allow myself to feel again
I thought this was what you wanted
You left me brokenhearted
Now I'm scrambling to go back to where I started
I'm lost
I don't who I am
Take me back to Arizona where it all began
Because that's when you wanted me as much as I wanted you
Sitting by the pool talking about how I would never lose you
Having you lay next to me while the team was fast asleep
Working in the mountains where our dreams were at our feet
Tell me you don't want that
Tell me you forgot about our talks about tiny homes and road trips
Small dogs and two kids
Now I know what I have to do
Which is say goodbye to you
I love you
I ******* love you
But it's lose lose
Don't forget me
I won't forget you

Now I've hit rock bottom
I've cut
I've drank
I let everything slip away
Life doesn't seem worth it
The universe has reveresed it
I went from being on top of the world
To falling so hard that it made everything around me shake
Why can't I be happy?
Why did I rely on her to make me happy?
Why did everything seem perfect when deep down I know that's not how it works
If you could see me right now you wouldn't know where to look
I'm lost
I literally have no direction
If you handed me a map with step by step directions I would probably eat it
I actually can't eat anything
Why should I care when she's no longer there
I ****** up
And she doesn't want to deal with it
But when it came to her crazy mood swings I took the brunt of it
I walked up a mountain for her
Not a metaphorical mountain
I actually mean a ******* mountain
Everyday so I could try and make her pain go away
Now mines here to stay
She thinks I'm changing
But in reality I'm trying to grasp some form of sanity
Because I gave her a ring along with my heart and she knew exactly what to do
I don't even like this game anymore
I forfeit
I lose
And I just want my joy again
I lost it when I cried because another girl stole my light again
And I know I'm not perfect but I thought I was worth it
I'm angry
And all I did was try to understand
That life is complicated and we don't always have solid plans
But why would you let me fall for you
I just scrapped myself off the floor
And you watched me do that
I can't keep putting myself back together
I've finally learned that
Rock bottom will be my wake up call
I don't need your support at all
I gave you all I had
But it's not what you wanted
Someday someone will want it

Right now my world has stopped
Everything that kept me standing has somehow dropped
I gave my heart and now it's lost
I'm trying to understand
If you can't be with me at least pretend
I've lost control
Had my foot on the gas but fell asleep at the wheel
I've crashed
I'm not sure I can be saved
When you walked into my life I found my saving grace
Now I'm stuck surrounded by a dark haze
I won't be okay
In the beginning I was scared
And you reassured me
But now look who's running
I wish I could hate you
But when I close my eyes or look at the sky all I think about is how much I want to be next to you
Please figure out what you need
Please let that be me
I can't believe I'm still breathing
This life without you has no meaning
I'm not trying to make you feel bad
But let's face it I'm sad
I punched a wall so I don't cut
But who gives a ****, so what?
Please come back to me
I only have half of me
Like I said you have my heart
But you went and ripped it apart

I remember when I set boundaries
Because that seemed more logical than free falling
I remember when you asked to kiss me
Because my fear created roadblocks that stopped you before you got too close
I remember holding your hand under the table at the restaurant
Because if people saw they would ask questions
Our life choices somehow brought us together
My love for you will live forever

I remember texting you to meet in the bathroom at the fair grounds
Because we were separated
I remember falling asleep on you in the van
Because long days equaled short nights
And I hated watching you walk away
I remember writing poems about being scared to love
Only resulting in me telling you I loved you while tears streamed down your face
I went from being scared to take one step forward to completely running full force into your life
I don't regret anything
I will make you my wife

I remember falling
I remember all of the little things pointing me to you
If only life had brought us together sooner
We both wouldn't have had to endure so much pain
I would have spent my days watching over you
Because life is a game
And you are my finish line
The only thing left is to take your name and start the rest of my life being so naturally happy

I hope she sees herself the way I see her
Because I see an amazing woman who has overcome everything
And she doesn't always believe it but she is my everything
I could never be content with anyone else
She lifts me up and helps me see the light
I would fight till I die just to make her mine forever
And if I get the chance to be her forever I swear I will not disappoint
I was always told that good things come to those who wait and all I've ever done is wait
And now she is here and it's real
I would watch movies about great love stories and think that they were full of ****
But now I have my own
How did I go from having nothing to quickly having my whole world right next to me
She is the greatest piece of this universe that I could ever find
I tell her everyday that I'm her's forever
And even after forever I'm still her's
I look at her and the world around me quickly fades into a blur and she is the only clear thing
The only thing that makes total sense in a life that is constantly changing
And when I doubt myself she comes in full force with reassurance and a smile
Because she knows confidence doesn't come easy and we've both been down that road
How can I even explain her properly
She is like walking into the sunlight after being trapped in the shade
She is a night sky full of stars without anything to block it's breathtaking beauty
She is the voice in my head telling me to keep going
She is the finish line after every race I have to run
The winning shot at the buzzer and the crowd cheers but I am the lucky one
The one who gets to look over and know that she is all I want
And how could someone ever ask for more when you are given nothing but perfection
Being happy with you is like finding a golden ticket
You never think it will happen but when it does, it changes your life forever.
I found my golden ticket
My one true love
Amberlyn Walsh

You question things to the point where your head fills with doubts and misconceptions
I understand that
I told you that you needed to find someone to change your expectations
I'm trying to be that person
I will always be the one to reassure you
If I can't tell you then I will show you
I have never been the one to fall without even jumping
If I didn't have you the world would never hold as much beauty as it does when I look at you
Never think that I want someone else
I would rather have you and nothing else then have everything without you
You bring light where there is darkness and if I have the privilege to have you forever I can die happy
I will better myself for you because you deserve the world wrapped in a bow
My heart is yours and even though it's damaged, you still find it beautiful
I will never let you down
I leave the past in the past and I won't look back because you won't be there
I never imagined this happening but I would never ask for a redo

I love you
With all your flaws and your complicated past
You could never drive me away
Only drive me closer to you
I want to be the one who changes your expectations and your reality
I don't plan on fixing you but I will fix myself for you
I only want you to cry because you are happy otherwise I will be crying right next to you
I love when you get excited about crafts and scary movies
I love sitting next to you in the van so I can glance over at you
I love when you lay next to me on my cot that barely fits both of us so I have to pull you in close
Our round is ending soon and the thought of leaving you makes me sick to my stomach
I don't want to leave you
Even 6 weeks feels like our entire life
Having you with me every day makes each day the best one of my life
Even when you act crazy I still just want to smile at you
Everything I've wanted is sitting right across from me
And I have never seen something so beautiful

You keep me on my toes to the point where you brush past me and I jump
Our future brought untold fear and I was never okay with it until now
Everything you say to me somehow registers deeply
If you aren't always near me I feel this growing hole in my stomach
I want this to work out more than I want to eat peanut M&M;'s or play basketball
You seem to read me like one of your books but your books usually take longer
Your past presents itself greatly in your present
If I wasn't ready for that I would have ran
I try to hide my past so it doesn't effect you
I only want my present and future to reach you
I might have almost said those 3 words but I never regret what I say
But then again you almost said it too so we're even
I just want you close to me because my life has never been stable and you seem like a rock compared to everything else
I know you check my poems to see if there is something about you
If I could properly find my words there would be something new everyday
You are just perfect to me and I guess it took me awhile to see perfection
I guess I just really... like you
Maybe I'll say it one day
If you're happy, I'm happy

I know that I can never fully give my heart
I haven't quite found all the pieces yet
I came on this journey to find my bliss
And instead I found you
This beating black hole inside me can't grasp enough light to make this work
Without ******* you in and losing you to the void just like everyone else
I put you first so you have a better chance of surviving
If that means being the sacrifice well then I will do that
Don't think I think less of myself
I just think highly of you
I hate when you say "I'm used to it"
That should never be your normal
I want you to find someone who changes your expectations
Sadly I still need to change mine
I'm not sure if I still believe in fate or true love
Being here makes you rethink your true intentions
I just hope I didn't leave you wanting more
I couldn't possibly show you this without having to fully express myself out loud
I just hate that you were my next victim
Another name to add to my list of fallen hearts
The way you look at me has changed
But then again I don't blame you
I would hate me too
In fact we both seem to have the same views now
You don't want to be near me and I don't either
But unfortunately I am trapped
You on the other hand have a chance to forget about me
Everything written couldn't possibly be said out loud
No one needs to know how much I hurt right now
So please be okay and walk away
You are too special to be a pawn in my game

I remember that everything I knew disappeared when I looked at her
Love in all its forms never quite kept it's innocence
The line we drew became twisted and blurry
And in the end nothing seemed real
She took pride in her image as if it were all she had
People stood in line to get glimpses of her smile for comfort
We ventured off hoping to find something our parents never gave us
But somehow it lead us nowhere
We never quite got the hang of letting go or even holding onto something with value
And if you asked us what we believed in, we would stand and face each other
Not knowing that we would be each others kryptonite
We danced around the word 'forever' as if it was our only source of energy
Never realizing how suffocated it became
If only we knew how tangled our lives would become
Weaving in and out of commitment only resulting in a war that ended with two casualties

I never understood this unrelenting undeniable love I had for her
Until my only option was to walk away from something so beautiful yet so self-destructive
They all looked at me and thought I was strong
That I did it for myself
No
The love I had for her outweighed my own pain
It was for her
My one true love who saw me even when our lives went dark
She was the love of my life

This is for the people who have had their dreams crushed
Bagged up and thrown away like they didn't mean much
For the boys and girls who sit in school and daydream of space and make believe
You are the real hero's
I often wondered what I dreamed of when I laid in bed
But not very often I remembered what went on in my head
And people said I wouldn't amount to much
Only just 10 months of my life given out of love
And you say I'm wasting my time
Even though this brings me closer to the finish line
All the negativity that they said to me
They look at me and I bet now they see
So please don't worry there is much out there
Just look at what I found here
And when people look down on you
They're only scared to think of what you'll amount to
This is for the people who still believe in love
Even though they've had their hearts crushed
For the ones who still hold faith in the world
You're the ones I look up to

How can we communicate
Without dominating the wavelengths
From past dates
I don't even think you get it
Why fall in love when you know you are not into it
Everything I say I try to make legitimate
I'm done with love, you know I'm not having it
Why do I give myself to the people who don't deserve me
Or give chances to the ones who will only hurt me
I give out more than I take in
When will I learn
When will I earn back everything that was taken
I try to walk away but somehow I'm motionless
Every shot I take is seriously just hit or miss
And when I look at you I understand the feeling of a first kiss
But now I see what it means to be heartless
Why do I show warmth when the world is so cold
Or never listen to the advice that I am told
Believe me life is scary
Especially after you jump when you know you can't see
I've realized that it's not you
It's me
I pick the ones that do this to me
I choose her instead of choosing me
And now I see why it's not working out
When you are just like the other one who left me broken down
So here I am at a stand still
Dumping my feelings into a landfill
Don't make the same mistakes twice
I could blame you
Hate you
Degrade you
But all I can do is own up
Face the truth
You're not the one for me and I'm not the one for you

I think about where I started
Weak
Insecure
Unmotivated
So lost that not even turn by turn directions could help me
Feeling like the end of the road was so far away
Like what was even the point
Why should I try or believe in anything
All I could do was rely on others to get me through

I think about where I am now
Strong
Confident
Motivated
Found my path that God made for me
Everything falling into place
All I have to do is keep fighting
I was knocked down over and over again only to come back swinging
And now I can say I have a purpose

I think about where I'm going
Only up
Only forward
Only on the right path
Taking what I've learned and what I'm going to learn to succeed
I just need to keep following my dreams
Keeping the right people close to me
I know the true definition of struggling
And the true definition of over coming

clears throat*
Excuse me
Now I'm going to need you to listen
This is my public service announcement
Whatever judgments you have
Whatever stereotypes you believe in
I'm going to need you to leave those at the door
Because what I'm about to say
May make you mad
Or
It might just open up your eyes...

We should all be worried
I mean we should all feel some anxiety about the way this world is unfolding
And if you don't see it
Well then you are blind
I don't care about your 20/20 vision
If you don't see this crisis
Well then sit quietly and listen

Is it just me or are we far off from where we should be
Living this fake American dream
When people are dying
Trying to survive in this war zone we created
Hatred being the fuel to our fire
Our desire for money and power
This being the hour of our demise
A disguise to mask how we truly treat each other
Our sisters and brothers
Why don't we stop this
Humanity dying in the process
We need to educate the ignorant
Humble the arrogant
Give voice to the good people who stand on the sidelines
Why are the small being silenced for speaking the truth
While the clueless ask what we should do
Stand up
Speak out
If we don't change we will be wiped away
We won't have the brains to stay and cohabitate
Let's not make the same mistakes our ancestors made

I want people to see
I am 18
I see what others refuse to see
What others refuse to believe
All it takes is for the good to do nothing
While letting the rich take control
Knowing that they don't give a **** about us at all
What will it take for us to make great change?

You see I believe the power is in numbers
The more we have, the less room there is for assumptions
We are all living for nothing
While the puppeteers pull us left and right
Being ventriloquists
While we play along without putting up a fight
If we all stood together not letting them have their power
They wouldn't have anyone to control
Total bombardment of their souls
Please just believe me

Thank you for listening
Now...
What are you planning to do about it?

I believe a child is taught to hate
Just like they learn the alphabet
Kids are taught to judge based on society and our ignorant ways
Gender, skin color, religion, physical appearances
Hate is started like a small fire then quickly grows to destroy every inch of humanity
Why do we think we are born with it?
A baby doesn't see black or white
Gay or straight
Girl or boy
They see people
A limitless source of love
As soon as they start to understand concepts they see how we act
They see racism, sexism, homophobia
The way we treat the poor and disabled
How we treat each other
When we plant two flowers side by side
They don't think about what the other is doing
They just grow
They grow and live together
Why are we teaching little kids to hate
We can stop hate and ignorance by showing new generations respect
Equality is knocking on our doorsteps
Let it in
Limitless love is possible
If we can just show it

I want to leave a message to my past self
You saw the world from a pin sized hole in a plastic cup
That never seemed to let enough sunshine in
You saw each day as an unbearable 24 hours
Each second made you shrivel up inside your own skin
Everything that would take you away seemed so close
Like soul on soul interaction seemed more logical
You never once saw anything in you
Other than blood and organs that just proved that you were nothing special
Everyone else seemed to have them too
You played a game of chess with yourself ensuring that you wouldn't lose
You were weak
And I mean bone snapping from a gust of wind, weak
Every blow left another hole
You didn't want to die
You wanted to be saved
Find a stable place
Where the walls didn't cave
You held on by fingertips
Off a cliff
Called your life a cliffhanger
You ached for something real and humble to bring you relieve
You searched for it in everything
You loved enough for two people
That's why your relationships failed
And in the end the only thing that made sense was hurting yourself
Taking bits and pieces of the inner workings of the things you held onto
Ripping away everything that made you human
I want you to know that I won't let you hurt anymore
Your biggest enemy has always been yourself
I won't give up on you

I want to leave a message to my past self

You're okay now
I took care of it

25 days
A lot can happen in 25 days
I can write 25 poems
Watch 25 movies
Say goodbye to 25 people who have chosen to stay by my side
I can fall in love in 25 days
I can have my heart broken in 25 days
I can get up to watch the sun
Only to see it slip away
25 days to leave my mark
As much as I would love to say I've left my mark
No one can be sure
It's safe to say that I've learned each person has their own little world
You change one person and you've changed a world
I never want to be too small for people to overlook
And never too big for them to see some artificial version of the person that they only want to believe is me
25 days turns into 24, 23, 22.... 0
I remember when I had endless amounts of time and now it's shortened by each breathe and I am scared to run out of it
What if I overlook something
What if I forget someone
25 days to mend fences and rebuild bridges I burned along time ago
25 days to say how I feel
25 days for others to say how they feel
I am worried that my 25 days will be up and I will still crave more time
18 years turns into 25 days and I just wonder what I've done with my life
If I've changed a single person in 18 years
25 days seems so miniscule compared to my entire life
And to think
All I've waited for is for these 25 days to just be over

I'm sitting here on my bed counting down the days
The days until I leave this place
The days until I mark another month without you
Don't worry
This is not another poem about losing her
If I've learned anything
It's that I can fall flat on my face and still manage to feel something everyday
And if you don't believe me
You can check my arms for faded scars that I used to numb my pain
I say faded because I'm 9 months clean
I say clean because I haven't caused blood to mark up my skin in a long time
I feel very accomplished
I've also learned that day by day I find new reasons to smile
Like realizing that suicide has not crossed my mind in over a year
Because I have finally found reasons to stay here and it's not just to make you happy
I've turned my self deprecating life into reflection and self healing
Which I can proudly say is starting to work
I used to sit in my room and think about all the ways that I had been defeated instead of getting up and fighting back
I was a boxer falling apart in my corner giving up before the first round started
Why did I let that happen?
It's easier to go along with everyone's negativity than to be the only one standing tall
I've never been one to follow the crowd but I let them bring my mood down
You want to know something else
The thought of being alone used to terrify me
Now I can sit happily at a park or in my room and feel nothing but positive vibes
I've made life changing changes in a few short weeks that benefit not only me but others around me
I never want to go back to that place where my best friend found me
I'm here
I'm alive
If you knew me before this poem
I couldn't always say those things

These past few weeks
I have been ashamed to be white
The audacity of what's happening is sickening
Why are we still having these problems?
We turned away from slavery to show that we were all equal
Just to prove that we are far from it
We try to exclaim that America is the greatest country in the world
As we cover our problems behind media hype and breaking news full of lies and delusions
The fact that we can't swallow our pride shows that we have much work to do
Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin proving that we don't value a single life but our own
Even though each soul is valuable
Why do we have to use violence to try and show that we are against violence
Why do we talk about gun control but have our police officers pulling triggers on innocent victims
Why do we talk about "We the People" when it's really just the people with the right paychecks and complexion that have the voice and the power
Each hour more and more are being silenced just so we can look the part
We conform to fit this mold that we have imposed on ourselves
Forcing our morals and values to take a back seat on our power trip
I'm tired of turning on the TV to see news reports on tragedies
Killings and shootings
Kidnappings and hate crimes
People come to this country for the American dream
But this place is more like a nightmare
The rich living the dream
While everyone else fights for their own taste of the good life
When we have the resources to give everyone the good life
Love is becoming harder to find because we want power
We **** for power
Fight for power
Eat, sleep, and breathe power
Not knowing that the price of power
Is worth more than any life
When will we see that beneath our clothes and skin tones
We are all the same
When will we see what we are doing to our brothers and sisters
When will we bring peace that overturns the hold we have on our image
The hold it has on power
I pray for equality
I pray for the day we can walk the streets and not worry
I don't see why equality is so hard come by

I love you
Enough to let you be at peace
My heartache is worth it
Knowing you are resting

I don't know if you see me
Or if you would even want to
I don't know if you could forgive me
But I have to let you go
I let my guilt take over the fact that I wasn't there for you
Which made me believe I was the reason you made such a drastic decision
Even though you never believed it
I do love you whole heartedly
My feelings just could never be expressed the way you wanted them to be
And I wasn't the perfect girlfriend but I seemed to be perfect for you
If that doesn't show your character then I don't know what will
Everything happened so quickly and it kills me that I have this great life without you
Don't think of this as my goodbye because I know I will see you soon
But right now my life is on pause because I lost you
So if I ever loved you
I have to let you go
Even though by doing that I let go of my heart and soul

And once again
I find myself holding onto your last words
As if it's a rope
If I let go
I plummet to the ground
My heart and soul would splatter all over the windows
I looked through them as if I was I looking at you
I pray that God took you in and gave you a home
The home that you searched for
The home that we talked about
The home that would welcome and accept you
The home that you would one day let me into
I tell myself that if I just close my eyes every night
One night will come when I do not open them
Which is why I still choose to go to sleep
Two months has passed and it doesn't even feel like a week
How am I supposed to live the rest of my life
I walk around this house wishing you were here to make it a home
These stairs creak as if they are missing pieces of their being
I creak inside because I'm missing pieces of my being
The pieces that had your name on them
The pieces that I wrapped up and specially gave to you
The pieces that held me together
The pieces that are no longer there
Ah man what am I even doing?
What am I even saying?
My heart and my brain are on opposite sides of the spectrum
My heart holds onto you like my last living breath
My brain pushes you away like you were never really mine
But you're dead
And I can't say that out loud
It pierces my ears and makes my bones shake
I want to say it out loud
If I do then it all becomes real
If I do then I know I will finally believe it
I just can't say it
That would mean giving up on you

I think right now I've finally settled
But I better knock on wood because if I don't it will all probably crumble
I was supposed to have said goodbye to you but your memory floats around in my brain like a plastic bag that just caught the wind
I really thought I figured it out too
Like how is it that one person can change your whole outlook on life but would change her whole outlook just to please you
I still think it's my fault but I will never be able to get her side of the story
I want to close that chapter but I'm still waiting for the ending
I hope she can see me now because I'm finally living the life we talked about
I told her I wanted to change the world and she told me to go for it
I just wish I could have changed her world
If I wasn't so caught up with the ex I had we would probably still be together
That's only if she would still be alive today
Which is hoping for a lot
But I am content with things now which seems strange
My mind is usually all over the place that I can never actually calm down long enough to look around
And right now I'm blissfully at peace
But the date that shuts down my heart is coming up
I don't know whether to smile or rip my hair out on that day
Smile because I knew you and got a chance to love you
Rip my hair out because I lost you and let you slip away
I hate myself everyday and if you knew that you would be angry
You hated when I drowned myself in self pity
But what am I supposed to do
The thought of you not being here makes me weak in the knees and please just don't fade away in my brain
I deleted everything out of pure rage
I don't want to forget
Please don't go away
My heart is not stable
My brain is not able to take such a blow
And I know that eventually someone will come along and make me feel whole again
But for right now you still hold that spot
It's yours
I'm happy now
So happy
I just wish you could be here and be happy with me
We were in the same boat
Feeling the same emotions
Why is it that you did something about it and I didn't?

Do you know what's weird
Silence
Like why do I have to keep my voice down when the world is sleeping
Just to be woken by
Cars
Trains
Planes
People
Heartbreak
Whatever
Like why should I hold my tongue just so others can speak their mind
If they wanted to speak their mind they would talk over me
Yell at me
Something
Instead I have to keep quiet
Quiet my mind
Quiet my passion
Just so I can sit in silence and wait for you to think of something meaningful to say
Let me help you
Today I said goodbye to my ex girlfriend
You might be thinking why when she is already my ex
She died June 22nd
And I still have conversations with her while I'm making food in the kitchen
Like she's going to walk in and tell me how her day was
And now I will have to deal with silence
I preformed my own funeral for her because I could not attend her real one
I wrote her name on a rock
I talked to a **** rock
I told the rock I loved it and that I was sorry and all I heard was silence
Really?
That's all I get rock?
After everything we've been through?
Well alright
I threw the rock in the river and watched it sink to the bottom
After the deafening splash came silence
I now hate silence
I stood on a bridge and waited for something to happen
I walked off in silence
I thought my words would resurrect her
I thought my apology would bring a more relieving feeling
So do not tell me silence can be a good thing
Silence leads to over thinking
So if you plan to talk over me, make sure you have something decent to say
A story to tell
Mine ends up being about a rock
A rock as a metaphor for my relationship
And nothing more
Goodbye rock
Now I can be happy with silence

If I stand here long enough to listen to you complete a full sentence how many brain cells will I lose?
As you sit in that chair that seems to wobble under the weight of your ignorance
You say things like "We should never have a female president" and "Women should not be in control of their own bodies"
But then pull out bible passages about love and respect
I sit across from you bitting my tongue because I would rather insult you in my head then make a scene
You ramble on about how women belong in the kitchen and I can't sit still anymore
I feel like my anger could take this whole room down by just releasing my breath
I feel like my rage could stop time long enough for me to punch you in the face
I ask you if you respect the women in your life
You turn and look at me like I'm some ****** off the street who has no right to state a claim
I ask you again if you respect the women in your life
You say
"Of course I do"
I look at you and take calming breaths that seem to silence the world
I build my confidence up and say
"Then why would you want to hold them back?"

I am trying not to fall apart in front of everybody right now
The thought of standing on stable ground was before you came here and rocked the boat
Stole my coat with the pockets that held my love notes
You don't even know what you did to me
If I have to stand here and shack just so I can stay standing
Then don't look at me and think I have some type of problem
My only problem is that I can't fully express my ongoing problem
I see you looking at me
The only thing is your eyes go right through me
You don't even take the time to get a glimpse of my soul
You look then shift gears onto the next person so you don't figure someone out
You purposely miss puzzle pieces so you don't get the full picture
But all that does is leave someone unfinished
I feel unfinished
Like if a stranger were to look at me they could see the gaping holes that you left
Because apparently I wasn't good enough for you
Like my talents and qualities weren't what you were looking for
But you never even fully looked at me
You saw what you wanted to see
You saw what other people told you to see
I stand here fully aware that at any moment a gust of wind could come and take me
I can lie and say I'm totally put together
But who even listens to a broken record
You don't know me
And if you know me you know that having it together and keeping it together are two totally different things with me
If you try and lean on me just know that you may come tumbling down with me
Not on purpose
Sometimes I just can't handle the weight
If you give me the world I might just drag it because my shoulders are used to holding your tears and nothing else
Please if you want to hurt me get in line
By the time you reach me I won't put up a fight
I will graciously fall to my knees
Because continuously taking blows to the chin gets a little tiring
So let me sit here
By the time you get here
You will have already defeated me

I used to think stars were lost people trapped in the sky
Like somehow their thoughts led them so far off the beaten path that they winded up there
I spent nights thinking of ways I could reach them because things down here didn't seem as fun as being so close to God
I thought they were the lucky ones
The ones who didn't have to witness pain or hard times like I did on earth
The ones who seemed to know their place
The ones who never had to answer to anyone
They just shined because they wanted to
Being down here meant looking up at them with envy
Stars were not stars
They were people
With stories and pasts and wisdom that took them to high places
They were kings and queens and that's why some were bigger than others
If you looked close enough you could see the trail they left behind
As if they were leaving a path for others to follow
I used to think that when someone died they became stars
They were brought to the sky to watch over everyone
To shine a small light in total darkness
Making sure that we kept our heads up
I saw them move as if they were trying to reach us
I grew up to learn about the vast universe and noticed how I felt smaller and smaller after each science class
Stars became ***** of light and energy instead of people
And looking at lost people turned into looking at constellations that I hoped would show me the way home
The universe changed for me
It became this mystery that questioned my faith and seemed to leave me more confused
It answered questions on how the Earth was formed
But left me lost on the ones stuck in my own brain
They forced me to see the world in a different way
Taking pieces of my imagination and throwing it up there so my thoughts would get lost and I would lose track of time
My mind expanded like the milky way and stretched far beyond the visible sky
Don't let me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon
Stars are still people to me
And one day I will become one too

I'm afraid to move on from you
I'm afraid that love has come and gone and now it will never come back
If I sit here and hold onto your words then it's like you never left me
1 stupid month feels like an eternity
And why is it that now that you are gone I am finally able to appreciate you
I'm stuck here holding our memories in my hands and I can't let go
I can't drop you
You who were so unbelievably everything that I ever wanted
You who were so unexpected which makes everything so precious
Why did you do this to me?
Why did you do this to your family?
Why would you take it all away without letting me know?
You promised me that if you were leaving you would say something
Don't act like I didn't spend my birthday talking you down off the edge
Don't act like I didn't beg you to stay here even though being here was hell for you
I'm sorry I couldn't love you
We talked about our future like we weren't young and dumb
Like we were grown or something
We talked about our future like we both still weren't stuck in the past
And I don't know if you thought this way too but
Even when we weren't together I could never let go of you
I don't know what that says about me
If somehow you see me writing this please know that my unhappiness was never because of you
If anything it was because of me
If somehow you see me writing this
This was everything I couldn't say
Everything that held me back from fully loving you
And maybe if I had just let go of my past
You would still be apart of my present and possibly my future
I'm typing this on my phone and after I typed future, the word wife popped up
Its funny because we talked about getting married
And it's sad because we talked about getting married
Maybe if I was able to say all of this sooner
These words could have stopped you
I wish I could have stopped you
Did anyone try to stop you?

Can we just start over?
Hi I'm Jackie I met you downtown on the corner of coincidence and destiny
If you would like to reach me you can come to the middle of the ocean
Where I threw my heartbeat and pulse for a fisherman to catch
Its useless to me now but maybe someone else can use it
If God decided to strike me down with lightening I would very much appreciate it
I need something to charge me up and make me feel alive again
So I'll stare at the sun and wait for the colors to fade into the atmosphere
Why can't you save anyone?
Why can't we all be someone's superhero?
Instead we find ways to be villains so we can trick people into loving us
When we can't even find a stable place for ourselves
Tell me how any of this is fair
Tell me why I'm here and she's not
I dream about falling off a mountain
The part that bothers me is that I never hit the ground
I fall into perpetual motion dazed and confused
I wake up only to realize that my whole life has been that dream
I'm always falling
So before you get close to me please know that none of this came easily
There are tiny pieces of my heart that I leave with everyone I meet
Unfortunately she took most of it
You seem like a nice girl but I am not so nice
I'm taking into consideration that my strength is based on my will
I'm walking down the path that will hopefully tell me who I am
Maybe she is who I am
But if I dwell on every bad thing my world will stop like hers did
We can't stop as soon as we start sinking
Who else is going to pull us out of the water
So I'll end this with a simple thought
I am not ready for you

Dear God,
Hi I know I promised to talk to you more but I can't seem to find the words
Please take care of everyone that I couldn't
Please take care of everyone up there and everyone down here that I can't protect
I thought I would have already seen you
I thought I would have already seen your golden gates
But I haven't always kept my promises
I used to see you everywhere and now I only seem to see you when I need something
Please don't take it personally I just don't know how to rely on myself yet
Please don't give up on me I have so much to learn
My head is empty and willing to absorb everything you have to teach me

Dear God,
I'm mad at you
Why didn't you answer my prayers?
Why didn't you answer when I called out to you?
I know you heard me
I know you knew I wanted to die
I know you have seen my scars
And yet you never answered
But I'm here right?
So if this is you working in mysterious ways
We both know I won't figure it out
Please just show yourself

Dear God,
Thank you
For bringing me Katy, Ashlie, and Desiree
I know there are many more to name but these three are your greatest work
They wouldn't let me see you right away
Watch over them always
And when I'm gone be their best friend
Without you I would not know them so I am eternally grateful
Miracles happen each day and they are living proof
So thank you

Dear God,
I love you

Can I just tell you I love you?
Here in this shallow world that holds fear of commitment
Where trust becomes weakened by fame and unmentionable regret
We stand face to face in our passion holding tightly to our desires
Can I just tell you I love you?
As if we have never been hurt before
As if it's our first love and we aren't even a bit prepared
Because being prepared for something indescribable seems strange to both of us
Can I just tell you I love you?
Without hesitation of not receiving the same kind of love back
It's fiery in my heart and extinguished in yours
Let me strike up a match and let our doubts burn
Can I just tell you I love you?
Or does that seem completely unreasonable
Because I don't know who this is for
Or why it even came to mind

I haven't told anyone that I still think about dying
Thoughts like that never make people comfortable
Even though death is natural
But when a teenager mentions death in the near future everyone wants to jump to the nearest conclusion
I'm not trying to say I'm suicidal
Believe me I have big plans ahead
I just think
More than I should
I think about how things would be if I just didn't be
If I just didn't be myself
If I just didn't be around
And if that makes me crazy
Then I have been crazy for quite some time
People never know
Never know true thoughts or someone's intentions
Until they expose themselves
Until they show the inner makings of their being
True feeling isn't always common
I just want people to know that they don't own me
And if I were to die today I could be confident in the fact that I expressed myself
I gave my life the effort of a solider and a peacekeeper
I pray that I see another day but if I don't that's okay
Colorado screams my name as if I'm destined to be there
Destined to find my way
Death is so easy
Life is what we have to be afraid of
And I have never been so scared in my life
Fear makes you stronger
So I'll continue the fight

I'm sitting here doing everything I can not to blame myself
I have no other answers
I'm contemplating the last thought that zoomed past your mind
Before you knew it was time
And if suicide was your only way out
How did you truly live your life
Is loving someone else possible
When all you did was sit and want to die
You said I was the reason you stayed
So I must of been the reason you drifted away
And whether or not I put that rope around your neck
I still hate myself to this day
How could I say I love you
But let you leave me
And believe me
This is not easy
Life is not easy
I can listen to everyone around me
Tell me that I wasn't selfish
But why is it that every time I close my eyes I see you
You smile and then you frown
My world gets turned upside down
What if I can't love someone the way I loved you
What if someone can't love me the way you loved me
What if I sit here for the rest of my life knowing that I let love slip through my fingers like its sand
And when you see sand you never think about each grain individually
You never appreciate someone until they're gone
Don't tell me that there are other fish in the sea
She was my sea

Right now someone is dying
While you sit on your couch screaming at your videogames as you **** innocent people
Right now someone is starving
While you spend $300 dollars on a fancy meal that you will end up wasting
Right now a child is wishing they could go to school
While you sleep through high school and complain about how its wasting your time
                         Perspective

If I could I would pocket the sun
Wrap it up and bring you your own piece of bliss
Take the moon in all its forms
So you could keep a close eye on all the beautiful things
Just so you could know that the universe is at your fingertips