I think I'm lacking passion
I think I'm heading straight for madness
I think my head is full and heart is numb
I don't have a clue where I belong
I work all day for a cause that is pointless to me
Creating money for people who wouldn't even care if I blew my head off
I come home to love that only exists because of blood
I think I'm failing at life
I think I'm failing at love
I think a mix of heartbreak and multiple concussions have ****** me up
And I don't think I'm gonna make it
Only the real people are seeing me fake it
I think I'm losing sight of who I am
I think it doesn't even matter if I stand here on this earth or leave
Either way people are going to live and breathe
And it's not like I don't matter
It's more like I'm wasted opportunities
A product with no potential
I think people wasted their time investing in something so experimental
I do think life is special
I don't think others see it that way
Settling down hurts my brain
I think I need to learn a new language
Or give up dairy
Maybe build a tree house
Or do something that scares me
Now I'm just getting off topic
I think I lack logic
While everyone else turns left or right
I stand in the middle tying my shoes
I really have nothing to lose
I think I'm already lost
I need to take care of myself but that seems like a lost cause
I think I'm funny
With great hair
But I'm unaware of my own abilities
I need someone to write them down for me
What is passion without a spark
I'm like wet matches
Just let me fizzle out
Just let me reach the dark side of this planet

I've started forming my own army
I've killed myself 6 times in my head already
But I'm actionless
Unemotional
I go through the motions
Holding my hands together
Rocking back and forth
Distorting my senses and breaking from barriers
My fingers dangling my fears like puppets
And I can't control them
My mind cutting the strings loose unleashing my insecurities
I'm reaching for greater meaning but successfully being defeated
And all my hopes and dreams are just waiting to be achieved
The only problem is me
My body says move but my brain says I'm tired
Unmotivated
Scared
Ashamed
Not good enough
I have people in my ear telling me to give it up
So if I jump I might not make it
It's a long way down and I can't fake my way around
I'm only 19 and I can't picture my life 10 years from now
I'm stuck between what's expected of me and what I want for myself
I'm stuck between a decent job and my dreams
And my parents don't see it but every second spent here just makes it harder to breathe
Life outside of where I am now is what I see for me
But the way my mind is wired, I'm just one big ticking time bomb
Fading in and out of reality and make believe
Never having stability because it scares me
And honestly I'm one bad decision away from my own place in the ground and soul in the sky
I don't want to hurt anyone but I always thought I would die at the hands of my demons
Hitting 18 was a big moment for me
Hitting 19 was just lucky
20 in 3 months and I'm just keeping my eyes closed
Holding my breath
This world will ******* up and you just never know
I made a promise
**** I made a hundred promises
And sometimes you just let people down

I think about dying more often than I think about a future
And honestly it's really now or never
I know there are a lot of people that I can't leave
But lately I can't even breathe
So I try to push the thoughts away
Write down all the things I find hard to say
I need to make it through one more day
Otherwise it will be too late
Don't take this the wrong way
But I find it hard for people to relate
If I could just escape

She holds me firmly to the ground
Honestly I would be lost if she wasn't around
I can tell in her voice that she's concerned
So all I try to do is calm her down with my words
I don't want her thinking that I'll leave it all
But it's really only a matter of time before I fall
No one knows what's going on inside
It's crippling my bones how much I want to die
But then I picture her with tears in her eyes
I couldn't leave her the way I got left behind

My head is filled with moving pictures
All that end with same scene
I'm not even safe in my own dreams
I find it hard to care
Everyone around me is unaware
I just want my time to be over
No more steps forward
Only ones bringing me closer to my resting place
I don't want people to see me face to face
They will notice my unstable state

Life is no joke
I stopped laughing when love came around a 2nd time only to leave me stranded
My past has the upper hand and I don't even want to fight it off
I'm too damaged from the last war
My childhood still leaves me sore

So please, if you see me don't address the situation
I'm tired
If you get an invitation to my funeral I'm sorry
You were loved

2a.m. is when my mind goes to work
And of course it's dark magic mixed with mayhem
Of course it leaves me cold and vulnerable
This world is more corrupt than I thought it was
I grew up on playgrounds and forests
And nowadays kids grow up on streets and prepaid jail cells with body bags on standby
Our landfills filled with plastic and our waters polluted because profit is more important
But no one will really read this so my words hit the air and fall to the ground
Like the voices of young African Americans who have already been taken
And for some reason media portrays the good as bad and the bad as good
And black people are thugs
While white people have mental illness
I try not to judge
And I can't sleep at night
I worry about my brothers out there while trying to portray myself in a different light
My head won't stop spinning some times
I think we should all be as natural as possible
Free your mind from society and abnormalities
Try counting your money as you hold your breath
I'm afraid to be in debt
But education is what we need for a proper foundation
So why is the key to success so expensive
The 1% wants us to be helpless
They want us to struggle so they can reign supreme
It's no longer about happiness or following your dreams
It's become a way to just survive
And I don't know how I'm going to leave my parents house with the wages they provide
Maybe this is why depression is so common
We all know we're gonna die
But for some reason they don't want to see us thrive
My friend Tony was shot 7 times and the murderer is walking free
All because of his skin color and a badge
If that doesn't make you angry then you're part of the problem
When it gets late at night I don't know what I will start to ponder
I just know the world is messed up
And I'm afraid of the future
If we don't fix things it will never get better
So open your heart before you open your mouth
You might be surprised about what ends up coming out
So please listen to the world around you
Take into consideration that we are all here for a greater destination
I started writing this with the intention of a different message
But some things just shouldn't be kept quiet

I remember the way my chest felt
Like when you reach the top on a roller coaster and you are waiting to fall
You lift out of your seat and you stomach rises into your lungs
That's when I knew I was going to love you
I remember walking into that hat shop in downtown Denver
One of my favorite places ever
Helping you wear a beanie properly
Pushing the hair away from your forehead
Putting my arm around you in the midst of bright lights and strangers
We were alive and unafraid
And I remember making a choice
Between falling or walking away
But none of that mattered
Because we were now in a new state
With sand and mountains and cacti
We were falling in love in the desert
Thousands of miles from our homes
Young and stupid
I remember the ring
The room
The way you felt up against my skin
And then I remember how it hurt
Hurt to breathe
To form sentences
To hold back my tears
It hurt to live
It hurt to stand alone in my own presence
To see you as someone completely different
I remember the alcohol
And the street
The sound of cars as they rushed passed me unaware of my existence
I can't remember our last kiss
Today I remember our love
Our seemingly perfect life together
Our almost 1 year anniversary
And one day I will forget
The color of your eyes
Your tattoos
Kissing you in the mornings
But I will never forget this day
I will never forget laying in my cot with you pressed against me
Asking to be my girlfriend
I will never forget loving you

Stop, please do not come any closer to me
You smell like flowers mixed with good intentions
And I smell like tequila and tears
You think you can fix me
As if I'm only broken on the outside
You do not want to see me on the inside
On the inside I am holding a gun to my head
Whether it's loaded or not is really up to my imagination
In my head I am standing on a bridge
And who knows
Maybe it's only 2 feet off the ground
Maybe there is a freaking trampoline waiting to spring me back into the air and bring joy in my life
Or maybe the drop is deadly and punishing bringing eternal sleep upon impact
Either way
You do not want to see inside of me
Inside there is mold and termites and everything that brings deterioration
There is scar tissue, bruises, broken windows and holes in the ceiling
And you might see a smile on my face but my insides are screaming
Dragging me by the hair
Holding me down
So please
Don't try to get close to me
Don't try to heal me with your love and understanding
I will rip you apart
And then expect you to clean up the mess I made
You seem like you would be good for me
And that is why I am pure poison for you

I'm not really sure if I feel huge or small
Someone asked me if I was suicidal
I said no
But if I was walking across the street and a car was coming towards me
I don't think I would move
If someone held a gun to my head
I wouldn't beg for my life
I might just laugh and say pull the trigger
And with everything that's happened I guess I'm a little bitter
My hands don't seem to work anymore
I wake up and my head is sore
I reach for a bottle because liquor makes my veins thicker
I reach for a knife because thicker veins bring a little more extra pain
Promises were made
I want to quit my job and run away
But society wants you to feel ashamed if you're not getting paid
Honestly my head is just not in the game
I'm actually very scared
I could really use a wish or a prayer
Maybe even divine intervention
Maybe this is all a lesson
I don't know if I'm weak or strong
I'm at the edge of the cliff hanging by my fingertips
I've been hanging for so long
I think it's do or die
Maybe even tonight
I'm not suicidal
But if I had the opportunity to die I might just take it
Which is sad
So many lives have been taken
And I'm just throwing away my only chance

I sit in the car that's taking us on our next adventure and I can't help but look over and smile at you
Everything unfolds so quickly
Everything unravels before you expect it to
And we will never have enough time
But someone like you is truly a 1 in a million find
And we can sing songs that take us back to a time when we didn't know each other
We can hop around from state to state never really having a set destination
Get stuck in stand still traffic for hours
Or we can simply just play guitar late at night
I always thought soulmates where people you fell in love with
Someone you married and spent eternity with
I'm coming to the realization that it's the person you tell everything to
The one who sees your drunk mind turn in circles
The one who knows exactly what you like on your pizza
And knows that you only drink coffee when it doesn't taste like coffee
The person who knows all the songs on your playlist
Your soul mate is the one who calls late at night because they just miss you
The one who couldn't see a world without the other
The one who knows how precious time is and just wants your company
And I know you worry about me but I would never leave you stranded
Life can be so messed up and sometimes I can't stand it
But when I think about our friendship I can't imagine it going differently
We've been to 11 states together
Seen mountains and deserts
Wandered streets and been in rivers together
And even when life made us cold
We never let go of our time
And I know how you see yourself
I know the look on your face when thoughts roam around your brain
I know you are not naive
And I know fate is questionable
But we were once 1,000 miles away
Complete strangers
Trying to find something to hold onto
Trying to keep our feet from lifting off the ground
And I know you look for a gut feeling
Something inside that makes all the pieces fit together
I just want you to know
That fate can be deciding to get out of bed to pack your bag
Fate can be leaving school despite your better judgment
Fate can be running to catch the campus tour
And almost being late because someone just had to wear a pineapple hat
Fate can be choosing the pineapple hat out of dozens
Despite every decision we've made as friends and as strangers
Something brought us together
And somehow I was lucky enough to find my soul mate in the midst of confusion and devastation
And even though we may have limited time together
Nothing would ever make me want to change our fate

There is a spot by the lake that holds my fondest memory
We were 15 years old
When we sat on the rocks and watched the sun spin spirals of orange and purple across the sky
She was mesmerized by the oil painted landscape and I was blown away by the way the lake reflected off of her eyes
We kissed
And for a moment we began to blend in with our surroundings
Fading into the background and grasping onto our innocence
I think of this moment often
It was before we became ****** into the destruction of ourselves
It was before our own personal battles with depression collided becoming one massive world war
Before we used each other to feel again
Even if that feeling was pain
Because nothing was worse than looking at the girl you loved and not being able to remember why it was all worth it
We lost ourselves somewhere in the masses
And every time I see the sky light up and dance, I think of her
Wounds never truly heal
They only become scars
Even after months of dirt, sweat, and new experiences, scars never really fade
They only blend in with the rest of what the world around you has left behind
Watching the sunset is kind of like remembering that relationship
Everything is breathtaking
With suns and colors that stretch far beyond what you imagined
You can just sit and smile and know that it is good
And then before you know it
It's pitch black and you can't see your hand in front of your face
You can't make out where you are
And we didn't get anymore sunsets
We only got a dark void in between what we started with and what I have now
Sunsets hold a special place in my heart
They're not right next to you
But all around you
Cradling your presence
Bringing you up to the sky each night for me to remember

Missing you comes in waves
Tonight I am lost at sea
Fighting to keep my head above water
I hope you think of me
When the sun rises
Or when you're outside in the rain
I often wonder how you feel when my memory crosses your thought process
I hope you choke up and your throat tightens
I hope your hands begin to shake
I hope you ache at the thought of me
I'm not the one who lost
You walked away after experiencing the sun on your face and fireworks in your fingertips

Missing you comes in waves
Tonight I'm on the beach
Gazing at the stars

I believe things happen for a reason
Whether it's God or the force
Some kind of cosmic power pulling strings and writing stories
I'm not sure
But I can tell you that I have somehow defied my own odds
The choices I made did not take me away
I am here
There were times when I didn't think I would make it my high school graduation and that I would not see my 18th birthday
The scars on my arms multiplied
And the demons in my head screamed louder than ever before
I lost my first love
Then I lost my second
I watched my family explode from close range
And then I watched from a far
Every insecurity swirled in my head like a blizzard
I could not see a bright future
And then something clicked
Something bigger than myself took hold of my mind
My heart was no longer heavy
And I don't know if that's God stepping in or my own power of will
But I have somehow managed to save myself
And I know there is no quick fix to this disease that has held me captive for so long
But I'm realizing that you should never stop moving when it gets dark
Never quit breathing when the air gets thin
And never back down even when your opponent is twice your size
Or even when your opponent is yourself
I know things happen for a reason
That's obviously why I'm still here
And although there is still a dark cloud over me
I can start to see the sun beams
And I know one day my sky will be clear

I consist of a few small victories
And countless large defeats
Broken dreams and records on video games
Mixed with a shattered heart that's held together by silly string
I consist of atoms and star dust with traces of imagination and permanent brain bruises
I consist of my mother's depression and father's addiction with hints of my own demons
The battle between dark and darker
My veins are mainly lightening bolts and my bones are hand tools
My skin is paper mache and my organs are just empty soup cans
I consist of all my mistakes because my life basically is one large ping pong game of right and wrong
I walk on the boarder line between relapsing and being fully clean
My life consists of one giant horror story with small intervals of miracles
The ending is still unclear but I think it will all somehow fall into place
My brain is like a foam pit
The longer you stay in it, the harder it is to get out
My hopes consist of fears
And my fears consist of fears
I think I'm just scared 80% of the time
I wish I could say that I consist of healthy ways of coping
But I really consist of sinkholes in my arms and hurricanes in my liver
I'm a real winner
My eyes consist of greens and blues and sad realizations
Crushed spirits and untold riches
I consist of let downs and almost made its'
And everything I left behind somehow found me
Even when I changed my address more than 4 times
And one day I will consist of true love and new traditions
A house in the country and a passion I believe in
Getting there will be my greatest achievement
And I will look back at all the things I consisted of and only be left with one
I will be consisted of persistence

Here I am
At more of a stand still
Than an uphill
Battle of will
I have an ill mind
And I find it hard to not base my life around time
So all I can really do is redirect the way my brain falls in line
I have this shrine of God in my head
But it has nothing to do with religion or my need for saving
I walk below the ground because I'm close to caving
Nothing really is what it seems so I look to dreams more often than reality
In this day and age how can anyone really be satisfied
Just thinking about my future has my anxiety amplified
You really are my comfort zone
Anything outside of what I can say to you is far from being known
I'm in a stage of life that has loads of temporary people
Most of them think they mean something to me
But we're not even on the same playing field
Sometimes I get stopped in my tracks and I'm forced to yield
But I can't help that my mouth works faster than my brain sometimes
My handwriting is sloppy because my hands shake when I'm under pressure
My mind wanders off to my next adventure
If only I could control my stutter
But time is an illusion and we are all going under
I randomly feel my heart in my chest when it's out of rhythm
Maybe I'll go back to the doctor
I locked her out of my veins because dark thoughts can seep through my blood and up to my brain
I've trained myself to feel numb now
This is all off the record
But in Denver I was going to walk into a busy road
At 2a.m. roads should not be busy
Don't people sleep anymore?
I'm definitely torn between living mainstream and living totally free
Because I think society is trying to mold us all into wannabes
I think there's a flaw in my code
I'm more of a social norm stereotype gone rogue
Because I believe in multiple interests and not having a consistent mailing address
Life is a mess
But the good kind
Definitely the good kind

People will say that it's not your fault
They will say that you can't save everyone
And although you nod your head in agreement
You can feel the guilt slowly start to eat away at you
It begins to pick apart your bones and peel away at your skin
And no one will understand that
No one will comprehend the tone of your voice when you tell them how hard you tried
No one will grasp how quickly you fell to the floor as your world imploded
People will say that you just need time
They will say that you need to forgive yourself
But all time does is give you more opportunities to replay your 2 years together
Forgiveness will only make you feel more guilty about leaving when all she ever did was stay
And you can't tell me that I didn't play some kind of role
If you knew her as well as I did, you would know that her whole existence was based around the ones she loved
And all she did was watch one by one
Each of them walking away from her
Until all that she had left was her heartbeat
But even then, a heart can give out
I will never forgive myself for giving out
One heart alone can be strong
But two hearts together
That's invincibility

She has this calmness about her
The type that can clear the storms out of your head
You can sense her love
Even through miles that consist of treacherous paths and the monsters that haunt you
She is more than just a pretty face and working hands
She is gut wrenching
She is life that moves in slow motion
Creating the ability to see everything that unfolds
She is life shattering, bone crushing force
That leads you into all things that stabilize your constant need for overthinking
She is pure light
Breaking the sound barrier between hearts
And nothing you say will ever measure up
There is a method to the madness
She draws in nonbelievers and skeptics
She bends time into single moments
Dangling dreams and memories from her fingertips
She will never reveal her full self but that's what keeps you enticed
She will break every fiber of your being
Every particle and atom that makes up the molecular structure of your soul
And then she will sit by your bed and keep watch as you heal
Never making up her mind

And you will love every moment of it

I've come so close to death that I could feel the air escaping my body
I could feel my memories slip and the essence of myself being taken away
I could feel my skin leave my bones and I could see dust and mold reside in my rib cage
So I know what I want from life
I want an off the beaten path kind of life
Where I see new horizons and discover peaks and valleys that turn my heart into a wanderer
I want new boarders and coastlines that create tattoos along my mind covering every inch of all the bad feelings that wanted to take me away
I want a life that has no real destination but is solely focused on the journey
I want a northern lights and blue waters kind of life
A Big Ben and a land down under kind of life
Where the sky is literally my limit and I manage to explore every inch of the clouds
Mistakes are meant to be made but living a life after being so close to death is not a mistake and I will not choose ordinary
I will choose endless amounts of stars and flowing rivers
I will choose mountains and open fields
Anything that makes me proud to say that I chose life instead of what was easier
I can't go back there
Being so close to death makes me appreciate a good life
And I will explore all that it has to offer
Because I chose to live
And that is exactly what I'm going to do

I can see her
When the world is loud and chaotic
And when I'm not sure where my sense of balance went
I can see her
When my heart gets quiet
And I forget how long I've been standing in place
I can see her
When I look at sunsets
And when I watch wind make ripples in pools of water
Sometimes she is right in front of me
So real I could reach out and pull her presence into me
When I least expect it I can see her
When I open my front door to embrace the cold world
When I am somehow lucky enough to open my eyes to a new day
I can see her
I'm not sure where the line is between reality and fantasy
Or if people notice that I stare into the distance as if I see something that could never possibly be there
I see her when I smile
And when my heart races
I see her in everything that is sick and beautiful because she had always been like me
She comes when she knows I need her
And she goes when my train of thought gets derailed
I see her when I need to remember who I am
And when I need to be kept alive

I think I'm tired
My body feels restless but my mind is always ignited
I always feel like it's moving from one possibility to the next
Like a shark
If a shark stops swimming it will die
If I stop allowing my mind to turn back and forth I will succumb to my body
I can see my chest rise and fall but I no longer know if anything is alive inside me
You would think that flowers grow in the sunlight but that's not always the case
Some grow in the shade
And I don't want to fall behind
But I no longer know my place
I'm not sure where I stand
I feel like my brain doesn't get enough blood
It's all been rushed to my heart to keep it pumping
To keep it from shattering under the pressure of my chest
I cut because of something you said
It made my heart hurt
I felt it stutter and stop for a second
You still control so much of me
Do not call me strong
I had to prove her wrong
I had to not keep her words in my gut
I had to get them out
I can't tell anyone
They all think I've stopped
So this is our little secret and everything will be okay
Everything will be okay
Will be okay
Will be okay
Will be okay
You can't make yourself not feel
Even emptiness is something that's felt
You can feel the air inside you where your organs used to be
You can feel your soul flouting around in you
Tell me you don't feel that
Even when I feel empty I can feel your words being the only dense matter inside me
And when I try to let go it just breaks up into pieces refusing to vacate
And all I do is just breathe
Not fully aware that you are still so very much alive in me
I was hoping you would have died months ago
I can see my chest rise and fall
But I know I'm just bringing in air
Air that pushes you around
All the blood goes to my heart because it's trying to fix what you destroyed
Flowers can't survive a hail storm

You have become my skyline
A horizon that makes me believe in life after death
And that the earth is round
You have turned into tall buildings and trees because you believe in stretching out and touching the stars
I look up at you and you look down at me but our eyes both show that we are equal
You seem to expand over time
And I seem to shrink
But even after months of labor and hundreds of miles between us
You are still more beautiful than the night sky on the mountain
Or that time we both saw the Grand Canyon before our paths crossed
You are still more beautiful than anything I hope to see in this world
And as you continue to expand, I continue to be amazed by you
Little moments get me through this harsh life
And you break up into tiny particles that flout around my brain and hit all the right nerves
Sometimes even the wrong nerves but I'll forgive you
And I'll never forget the time we drove in that truck together
You wanted to know all the little stories that I rarely share
And I knew
You wanted inside my brain as much as I wanted inside yours

"One last all or nothing chance"
That's what my father said when my mother came home with divorce papers
He looked at me with tears down his face and I felt an ache in my chest
The kind of ache that makes you tense up and hold your breath
I've waited since the 4th grade for them to end their marriage
Sometimes I used birthday wishes and single stars to make it come true
Watching my home crumble under the weight of alcohol and pride
The smell of regret and deflection
"It's not my fault"
"I'll change this time"
"I can't lose you guys"
Blaming my father even though my mother can be the match that starts the flame
The small nudge off the cliff
Marriage takes two
Two people to love
Two people to hate
Two people to leave stains of blood on walls where photos should be
Two people to scream ****** ****** that takes the space where laughter should be heard
Nothing really matters anymore
I search for love the way my parents search for an argument
First someone says something dangerous
Something that gets the others heart racing
And then they sort of fall into it
Creating a numbness around their hearts
Not fully seeing the picture
Blinded by words
I fall in love the way my parents hate
I get lost in what she says
I let her words destroy the outer shell around my heart
I let her see me vulnerable
I allow her to break me down simply because what she says breaks my heart in the most beautiful way possible
I watch my parents fall out of love as I let myself fall into it
Because what is love without pain
Without the feeling of air leaving your lungs
"One last all or nothing chance"
And we allow it
We let in the pain like a familiar feeling
We let in love like we let in change
And I will fight for a love that is unlike my parents
I am not a product of their love
I am not a victim of their hate
I am everything they wouldn't allow in their hearts
Unconditional love

I believe in love
I believe in second chances
I believe in people
And God

I believe in sunsets on cold nights and walks along the coast
I believe in giving back
I believe in hope
And wisdom

I believe in spaghetti on Christmas
I believe in Taco Tuesday
I believe in grilled cheese when I'm intoxicated
And playing ultimate frisbee even though it's given me two concussions

I believe in soulmates
I believe in true love
I believe in love at first sight
And a broken heart being the worst pain imaginable

I believe in you
I believe in me
I believe in our ability to create a better understanding of each other
And sarcastic conversations over the phone

I believe in everything I've experienced
I believe in pain
I believe in frustration
But more importantly I believe in the potential to define all odds

And to fly even when the world is fighting to keep you grounded

You really take me as I am
And that's so beautiful
I can feel your old soul
I can feel your pure heart
You see me
With my lost soul
And damaged heart
And you know who I am

I love her in a way that stops my whole body
In a way that captures every ounce of the air I breathe in
I love her in a way that makes me head ache
And my joints tense up
She is everything that could make me happy for the rest of my life
And that scares the hell out of me
Love like that can **** you
But I love her in a way that people remember forever
I love her in a way that overpowers all matter and cosmic power
And I would die for that

I feel like a balloon that just lost its air
I'm left expanded with no real purpose
Nothing tying me down
Nothing inside me
I feel like an almost completed puzzle
If I just had a few more pieces I could be whole
But I'm missing just enough to not know what I'm looking at
Feeling like people can see that I'm not really all there
I feel like an empty can left on the street
Being kicked around with no sense of stability
At any moment something could come along and crush me
At any moment the walls could cave in
I feel as if my identity has left my body
Everything that makes me who I am has vanished
No one understands it
I feel like a magician who doesn't even know the result of my trick
I made myself disappear
Everyone is left confused
And I don't even know where I ended up

You take me in strides
I take you like doses of medicine
I make my past irrelevant
And you don't even bring your past along
Love breaks through the loneliness like cracks on a sidewalk
And I can see the grass grow
I form sentences in my head but never say them out loud
Obedience can be a disease
Suppression can **** the mind
Two wrongs don't make a right
But if you get lost you better ask for directions
Why do you have to do that thing with your eyes
Deflect
Deflect
Deflect
I can't see you in that way
The way the birds see the sky
And the way landscape sees an open horizon
I start to drink coffee even though it makes my heart race
Hands are meant to be sturdy
If you build a house you want sturdy hands
And you make my hands shake
The cracks in the sidewalk remind me that this earth is always moving
Shifting off kilter
Breaking down even the strongest matter
Heartbreak is like cracks on a sidewalk
But you are the grass that grows in between the cracks
And I can't even tell you how much I appreciate that

Never date a writer
Those ******* will remember everything
Like the way your eyes looked on your first date
Or how you wore your hair
They will store every bit of you in their memory
Like how you like your coffee
Or what kind of soup to buy when you're sick
And when something happens, you know you will become their next piece of writing
They will recall every word said
They will talk about how you lit up in the beginning only resulting in a burnt out match
Your story will become fuel
Your time spent will become hours of trying to capture every ounce of your beauty
Trying to hit every mark of how your face looked when you first heard that she loved you
Never date a writer
Because they will take everything in like vital knowledge
Collecting parts of you like old coins
Putting together the puzzle that will result in their most painful poem
Your story will last forever
You will see the shifts and turning points
From when love was so brand new and shiny
All leading up to the blowout
And there is nothing you can do to stop it
Because you decided to date a writer
So prepare yourself to become their most prized work

I'm not quite sure where I stand with my emotions
Or where I just stand
If you look straight at me you will see that I am whole
But if you stand off to the side you will see that I am paper thin
Hoping that the wind doesn't blow too hard otherwise it will carry me away
I'm not quite sure why pain needs to be felt
Or why I feel so much of it
I just know that when I came to you drunk and uneasy you looked at me and somehow kept me together
I want to go to you but that would mean releasing my demons and they aren't properly trained yet
I'm not quite sure why I put the knife to my arm this time
Or why I didn't call you
I just know that my own expectations and seeing Kai's mom put me into a state that kills me from the outside in
So I started with my skin
I'm not sure why I fail to stay clean
I just know that life has to be more than this
And if I can't recognize that, I will continue to fall
I stayed for Kai
Now that she is gone
I have to learn to stay for myself
I'm not quite sure why I'm still here
Or why I haven't left yet
But I'm going to find out

When I saw her mom
Everything around me went still
It was kind of like focusing on one thing while everything else is moving rapidly
You don't quite notice your surroundings until you blink
She walked up to me and I didn't recognize her
Until I saw her eyes
I forgot that they had the same eyes
Big dark green eyes
With tiny galaxies that exploded all around them
With hints of yellow suns and blue moons
Her eyes were my favorite
Her eyes kept me whole
Kept me captivated
She spoke to me
And for a second, I swore
That Kai was there
That all the times I spoke to her after she died she somehow heard all of it
She somehow read all my poems and listened to the voice mails I left on her cell phone
Everything was suddenly crashing down
"I haven't forgotten what you've done"
It was no longer Kai
But all of my regret flooding into my body
Drowning in big dark green eyes
Sinking into the abyss of my own blame
When I saw her mom
I took a second to look around her
Look behind her
Waiting for Kai to come running up and collapse into my arms
Stumble back into my life like drunk love
So innocent
I saw those big dark green eyes attached to a different body
Demolished high hopes can destroy you
Unrealistic expectations can be the switch that turns everything off
But those eyes
I swear
They could start a fire inside you
When I saw her mom
I saw Kai
And it made me remember that true love never really dies

Now I know why storms are named after people
Because you rolled in without warning
It started with a single drop of rain and then a flood
I got swept so far off the beaten path that when the storm ended I was lost
And I can't stand the fact that I will never be able to see you move and form into who you are
Never get to see you rush into my arms like a wave finally reaching the shore
The storm is over
It devastated so many lives
It left me washed up and abandoned
But if I had the chance
I would take the rain all over again
I would take you in all your stages and cycles
Now that the storm is over, I'm waiting for the rainbow
I'm waiting to finally be okay with losing someone who had every bit of me drowning in them
Losing oxygen, trapped in your voice
Losing my way in your eyes
You came
Built me a house
And ran through it like a pile of leaves
And so I know why they name storms after people
We were the most devastating love story
Resulting in two fatalities
You when you died
And me
When everything didn't seem as beautiful unless you were tangled up in it

I'm starting to forget the sound of her voice and I have nothing to jog my memory because where I stored our love no longer exists. It shattered to pieces the minute my heart stopped beating.

2. I told my 14 year old brother that I might be moving to Michigan and all he could say was "Please Jackie, don't leave again."

3. My dad is trying to stay sober and I'm trying not to stay sober. Our actions are clashing back and forth like the ocean during a hurricane. We are way too similar and that scares the crap out of me and yet I do nothing to change myself.

4. I'm terrible at cutting people off. Especially the ones who ripped my whole world a part. I think it's because I think I deserve it. I cheer on the pain like it's a marathon runner on his last mile. I search for it in everything. More importantly I search for it in girls with big eyes and sweet smiles.

5. As soon as I make progress I turn right back around and walk straight into everything that's killing me. I am a storm chaser. While others are trying to get as far away from everything that hurts I walk right alongside it because it's familiar and new things scare me.

6. I process my entire life in my head. Every detail of a break up, every second of that one time I thought I was falling in love but really I was using her to keep myself together. We both ended up falling apart. My mind is a machine on overdrive. A high functioning factory that continues to produce parts despite the fact that it's been closed for about 7 years now.

7. My thoughts destroy me because if I go down I want it to be my fault. I don't want anyone to think that they broke me because they didn't know that I was never really put together in the first place.

I vow to be your safe haven
Your umbrella when the rain starts to fall
The words you can't speak
And the support beams that keep your chin up

I vow to be your late night conversations
Your early morning coffee
The sun beams through the window of our first house
And every home cooked meal

I vow to be your favorite pain in the ***
Your "let's kiss and make up"
The ultimate one woman fan club
And the most embarrassing cheerleader

I vow to always find you
In any galaxy or dimension
Across the world or across the street
Because I know true love always finds a way

I vow to love you
All of you
Every second of the day and doubled when we are sleeping
Because I no longer have to dream of this
My reality is finally better than my most desired fantasies

I vow to live this life with you
Forever

A day consists of 24 hours
1,440 minutes
86,400 seconds
That average person takes about 20,000 breaths a day
Every second of every day is based around my recovery
Mind games
Distractions
How many times I can look in the mirror and tell myself no
At least 4
Maybe 5
3 on a good day
A person blinks almost 28,800 times in 24 hours
But sometimes I just stare
So I can focus on something other than my recovery
My addiction
My need for something other than what I can't have
I can hear my thought process
Sometimes it's quiet
Like when I'm asleep
Other times it's the only thing I hear
So I call her because she knows how to turn down the volume
She is my recovery
Because even for a split second everything is perfect when I see her
The amount of breaths I take double
The number of times I blink goes down rapidly
My need for recovery increases exponentially
She is the calm that flows over my body
The rush of oxygen to my brain
When she talks to me my number of bad days plummet
Because she loves me and I love her
So by hurting me I hurt her
My recovery is an ongoing process
That consists of 24 hours
1,440 minutes
86,400 seconds
Of me trying not to hurt myself
1 day turns into 1 victory
And when I tell her that over the phone I can sense that she is smiling
So 1 day really turns into 2 victories

I am a haunted house
Things have died inside me and refuse to leave
They hold onto my bones for stability
And make homes inside my rib cages
The only way out is through my mind
And that's the hardest place to escape

Love comes through like waves
Pushing and pulling at the ground
Crashing into the calm
We all want what we can't have
And if I could
I would come in like a sudden burst of life
Love is beautiful and messy
And you are caffeine and sunshine
With splashes of watercolors
And I can't properly contain you and even if I could
You are meant to be seen
By everyone
Because masterpieces like you should not be kept away
And you are the crash of the ocean and the sun that fades into it
Everything abrupt and breathtaking
If I could just bottle up what you are to me
Then I could just reach into my pocket and have my happiness

I've always struggled with writing about God because lately I feel like my relationship with Him is almost nonexistent

I grew up like any normal Catholic kid. I was baptized, received reconciliation and first communion but never really felt His presence

In middle school the only thing reminding me that there even was a God was the fact that I went to church once a week and one of my classes had to be religion

8th grade my faith somehow became restored. I started believing for the first time ever that maybe I was worthy of being one of God's creations

High school came and I was in a sea of public school kids who would look at you funny if you said "God bless you" after someone sneezed. I no longer felt His presence.

My 10 months in AmeriCorps was this incredible journey. The amount of love and compassion was undeniable and yet I really didn't ever think about God. When times were hard I didn't turn to Him. When I was overwhelmed with happiness I didn't stop to thank Him.

I want to believe
I want there to be something more
Something bigger than this universe and the reason why I feel small
Everything doesn't really make sense to me
And the more I try to figure it out the more lost I get
Because when everything was crumbling around me, I didn't feel some all loving power
I felt the emptiness of my heart and the pounding in the back of my head
And I don't know if God is real or not
This is first time admitting that
I always had this fear that if I stopped believing God would reveal Himself and strike me down
But I am here
I am alive
And that has to mean something

I want the next girl who loves me to know that these scars are just bad memories
And to not be concerned
That they appeared because life became numbing and I wanted to feel alive again
I want her to know that I used to get wasted because it made me focus on the hangover and not the heartbreak
But I don't do that anymore
I want her to know that these hands sweat and ache to hold something other than my burdens
That I don't want my past to be a problem because it always has been
I want her to know that I can be worth it
If she just gives me a chance
She needs to know that I love unconditionally and that has always been my biggest mistake
If she takes shots at me I will kiss her instead of fixing myself
I will bleed out for the simple fact that I am trained to love someone more than myself
But she needs to know that I will love her
I will love her at 3am when her mind has become a weapon
I will love her when she can't even love herself
I want the next girl who loves me to know that I am a fighter
With 3 attempts under my belt
She has to know that I will stay awake at night incase she needs me
I will tell her she's beautiful even when I haven't seen her all day
Because I know how healing it can be to have someone who loves every broken part of you
And my mission in life has been to help as many people as I can
So to the next girl who loves me
I'm here if you're here
And I will love you even if you're the last person I help

She is now just words
Just ink that flows out of my pen
And thoughts that form in my head
She is the wind
She is the time it takes to mend my heart
And I think that's beautiful
Knowing I have my own personal angel
My own glimpse into my future
Knowing Heaven is real because I know she was accepted
She is my heartbeat
The stars in my eyes
The fire in my mind
True love is immeasurable

I am my writings
Just stories that display the makings of who I am
And everything I wish to be
I am pain
I am destruction to the things I hold dear
And the carpenter that puts it all back together
Knowing that I am equally as catastrophic as I am productive
My own personal triumph and demise
Knowing I won't make it unless I give in
I am abundant
Millions of atoms
Immense possibility
My growth determines my value

I am my dark mind and her choices
I am her love and my doubt
I am everything I took from her and what I kept for myself
She was every chance I ever had at true love
And I will always blame myself

I've been struggling lately
I've never felt like I was worth much
So the idea of suicide was always in the back of my mind
There have been times where breathing even became a burden
The nights when I didn't sleep became unrelenting
Normal everyday conversations took all of my energy
I didn't really see anything in me
And when it came to Kai
I gathered all my life just so I could keep hers going
Until I ran out
After losing her there wasn't much left of me
I have a friend who has been trying to convince me to stay
But I have one broken heart and one stubborn brain
But she is beautiful with a smart mouth and when she talks, I listen
And if she can see something in me then I should be able to see something in myself
Life is meant to change
Every day
Every second
The more you fight it the more you hurt yourself
I've hurt myself for far too long
She told me that if I left, she'd be heartbroken
Just like I was when Kai left
I know suicide is the wrong answer to a question with multiple solutions
I'm slowly regaining my life
I have to use what's deep inside
And continue preventing suicide

I wanted her in the purest way
I wanted her the way flowers want sunshine
The way trees want to reach the sky
I wanted her in every way possible and impossible
The way birds want to fly
I wanted her the way hands want to be held and lips kissed under thousands of stars
I wanted her every second of the day and doubled when we were sleeping
Every bone in my body wanted her
Every part of heart and deepest parts of my soul
Everything touched and untouched
Everything real and make believe
I wanted her for the simple fact that our love was infinite
Stronger than steel
Deeper than the ocean
Brighter than the sun
More powerful than Gods and magic
I wanted her and she wanted me
I needed her the way people need to breathe
She may be gone forever but every breath I take brings her memory to my lungs and fills my body with her love
Blood and her smile pump through my veins
I want her the way I want to be alive
And when I die
I want her to be the first face I see
I want her the way two people fall in love
Slow and forever
Terrifying and beautiful
I wanted her then and I want her now
But it's too late
And what I want I can't have

I've gotten to a point where even my heart wants to give up
My heart has kept me here
Kept me aware
Kept me in tune with the people around me
It's kept me selfless
Now I want to be selfish
I can't seem to shake this one
I haven't been this alone since 2am in Colorado
Wine can be dangerous
My mind can leave people devastated
I've been feeling empty
And I think it's because I give a little bit of me to everyone
Especially the ones who don't deserve any
If only she could see me now
I'm starting to think I won't get very far
And that's okay
I don't know who will read this
I don't know if you can tell that I don't know what to say
My mind isn't what it used to be
I won't apologize because I don't belive in saying I'm sorry
I just want to stop feeling like this
I don't have any metaphors or poetic phrases that will make people comment about how beautiful this is
I don't have the energy to write something that will leave people wanting more
I just have what I feel
I just have a bunch of normal words laid out in a normal setting because my feelings can't be expressed properly
If you saw me now you wouldn't recognize me
I've lost my meaning and everything I believe in
I wish I had more to say
I just want to be happy
And that sounds so cliché

Something has changed
I no longer have this desire to hold onto you
Everything that happened no longer haunts me
I've let go of you, the loaded gun that was constantly pressed to my forehead
The bomb constantly ticking but never running out
I used you to fill the cracks in my heart but you quickly became the knife that carved more
If love is disaster
You are the biggest storm
Winds and rain that came crashing into my home
Destroying everything that you knew I cherished
Words and promises have never been such poison
I now have to prepare myself
Prepare to deal with someone like you
Love is more than late night conversations
And early morning kisses
Love is the fondation we build off of
Love is overcoming every obstacle you face
Love is realizing that heartbreak is possible but still going for it anyways
Love is someone's greatest treasure and hardest downfall
You were once my greatest gift
Holding onto you would be like holding onto the thing that kills me
I could only blame myself for my demise
So goodbye

I feel nothing
Not even fear
And that can't be good
Because I know I should be afraid

I can feel it
Coming in like a storm
Creeping up and spreading like roots breaking through the earth
I can tell
That it's going to be bad this time
And it's not about stopping it
It's about slowing it down
Gaining enough ground and holding my own
This feeling hits close to home
Like pictures that pinpoint memories that break you
Memories that confine your state of mind
I keep quiet
Who wants to be the girl who can't shake off a few hits
Can't move past the mist that's covered her mental state
Some things never change
Like the way a blade feels
Cold but familiar
The scars never quite fade completely
Heartbreak never really gets easy
It's definitely coming
And it's not about finding the best ways to cope
It's about making it out alive
19 years strong
I hope I can add a few more on

I wish I could ask her if she ever made the soccer team
I used to watch her play for hours until she fell to the ground
Exhausted
With a smile that could steal your innocence
I wish I could ask her if she learned that difficult piece on the violin
The one that she struggled with for weeks
I would call her on the phone when I couldn't sleep and ask her to play
I wish I could kiss her again
Because the one we used to say goodbye became so brief that it got swept away before I could make it a memory
I didn't know it would be our last
I wish I could hear her laugh
At my jokes about dinosaurs and God
Or when she would steal my hats
I wish I could show her my poetry
She liked to analyze every word and correct my spelling
I wish I didn't have to feel this pain without anyone to feel it with me
I wish it was me instead of her
I wish I could take her place
She used to tell me that I was her heartbeat
I wish I could hear her say that one last time

She came into this world guns blazing
With high spirits and a jagged future
She could only see what was right in front of her
Parts and places blended together like paint on a canvas
The lines on her arms told her story
She didn't trust easily
And yet she gave her heart away like an unwanted child
Her parents never really noticed until the yelling stopped
The noise was loud in her head
Large groups made her quiet
You could see everything written on her face
In the words she hesitated to say
She couldn't escape her nightmares because she was awake every time
A perfect opportunity
Drunk thoughts
A busy road
Colorado
2a.m.
Sadness can be the bullet in the gun
She came into this world not knowing
She came in with high hopes turned into low expectations
She came into a life that already had the loaded gun waiting for her
Already had the busy Denver road
Already had the blade
She walked to three different stores looking
Looking for a knife
She walked down a road with car after car
Waiting to step into it
You only become stronger after falling down and getting back up
And sometimes she decided to test her balance

I should tell you I'm disaster
Sweet painful disaster
Fading in and out of this world like sound
I should tell you I'm broken
With sharp edges and tiny pieces
You can't put my back together with glue and some patience
I should tell you
Before someone else does
That I fall into love like it's a bed and I haven't slept for weeks
I will fall so deep into your life that you will need a rescue team and a country full of prayers to get me out
Because someone once told me to jump and I didn't even look to make sure I would land right
I jumped and hit the ground and felt my heart shatter because the impact was too much
You can't fake this kind of pain
The kind of pain that leaves every muscle clenched and yet you are numb
I should tell you that I have a past
And I look for someone with a past
I should tell you that I like to fix things
Like broken doors and windows and people
But soon you realize that your tool box and duct tape can't save every piece of beautiful craftsmanship
Every breathtakingly gruesome artifact
I should tell you I lost someone
Someone who took part of me with her
And maybe if I knew where they put her
I could retrieve that missing component
I should tell you that I should be dead
But for some reason the gun didn't go off like it was supposed to
You should tell me I'm lucky
I should tell you I'm not so sure

Little blessing
You are already so loved
This world will be hard
You will fall and cry
But your mom and dad will pick you up
And your crazy family will keep you laughing
As you grow
This world will grow with you
And love will fill you
Little blessing
You are in for one fun ride
Hold on tight
Little blessing
We can't wait to see who you become

You are my downfall
But I'm okay with that
I would live on my knees forever

Death has always seemed so present in my life
My first love said that death is not something you should be afraid of
What you should be afraid of is someone else taking the place of your soul
Someone else loving the one you gave everything to
She told me that she would never connect with someone the way she connected with me
Because soulmates are not easily found or won
Death seemed to love her more than I did
Death fought for her before I even gave up
Death was her true soulmate
I think about death the way I think about love
It is natural
Unexpected
Love has a way of shielding you from all the pain that life brings
And gives you a soft place to land
She told me that death called out to her when she spent every night crying
The only thing that stopped death was love
She told me that I stopped death
I only stopped it for as long as I could hold it off
Until love wasn't enough to pay it off
She needed something more
Because I was never her true soulmate

Minds are dark places
When all you can do is lay in bed nothing is safe anymore
There is no fear or insecurity that is off limits
I can't escape
Even in my dreams they follow me
Death just seems so easy
And I know it's selfish believe me
I am trying not to act how I feel
Everything is becoming real
Depression creeps up from the ground and encloses my body
Covering every crack and gapping hole because it knows I'm already empty
Because the only thing that fuels fear is more fear
And everyday I take a heaping dose of doubt and play my usual role
The need to bleed is very prevalent
But I don't even want to try anymore
Because the more I say I'm fine the more I don't care
And why should I?