I let my eyes blur when I think of her
Or that time my mom killed me with just her words
I stare into the abyss like I'm proud of it
Like I don't care that I feel this way
Like I can only breathe inside this pain
I disassociate
Like that time the love of my life killed herself
And I never asked for help
I just sat inside myself
Or that time I almost died in Massachusetts
And I use to wish it happened and I live with that
I think about that time in Colorado 2a.m when I almost didn't come back
These are the times I hate
I disassociate

I've been losing sleep
I think I'm in way too deep
Pull me out
And when I scream it doesn't make a sound
Dear anyone
How can I love you and not love myself?
The fire burns but I still love the smell
Would you hate me if I went to hell?
Dear anyone

I take you in like my last J
Come fill me up
Overfill my cup
I give too much but that's okay
At the end I'm me
Tell me it's enough
Oh darling do you see right through me?
I know I've chipped away
Apparently you never knew me
Or you would have stayed
I'm just a lost girl
Living in a lost world
Til I found you
Only you were lost too

I am my own worst enemy
At times I only see what my demons see
And when it gets hard to breathe
I think about my body six feet deep
And I'm just being honest
Half my life I sliced my skin just so I could feel inside myself
Now you know I needed help
There are no hard feelings
But these are my hard feelings
Remember when I lost that weight?
You all thought I looked so great...
I think my mom only loved the space I filled
Now she doesn't even love that
Sometimes I just can't connect
Why are these feelings harder to express?
There are no hard feelings
But these are my hard feelings

I let the smoke fill my dim lit room
Too afraid to address how I feel
Too afraid to be used
Out of body
Sometimes it's like I don't have anybody
Why do I need the smoke when I start to feel kind of funny?
And why do you love me?
I'm losing sight of what I'm writing
Why do I bite my tongue?
Why do I choose to go silent?
Here comes the silence
My mind feels altered
Sometimes it feels so good when I start to go under
I miss my colors
Wish I was brighter
Probably should have been loved more as a child
Here comes the silence

Remember when I was seeking God but not myself?
I'm not sure what made me stop
The soreness in my knees?
My fascination with trees?
My fear of not being free?
Cobble stone paths laid out by Father's leading the mass
Only the holiest of wines
I search for many things but only what takes me high
Oh Sister's, why do you sacrifice?
My hands stretched out hoping to reach something bigger than the atoms that create us all
All of us looking before we fall
I take trips because they allow me to see more
And if You are out there way past the fake and adoring
You know where I'll be
Climbing the Tree that sets us all free

Oh mother
How do you define love?
I'll never see
Oh brother
How do you define your soul?
Does father know?
Oh sister
How does it feel to be the first alone?

Sometimes I feel like I lack so much passion
Is that me or the depression
I can't seem to form thoughts that let people in
I want love but I seem to fall too deep into it
And I talk a lot but no one is really listening

I scribble out the words
Like I forget everything that hurts
Are you sure I'm not asleep
Are you sure this is happening

Why am I crying
Why did it hurt that she never saw me
There is so much suppressed noise that I'm completely silent
If you can't handle me when I'm wordless
Don't expect yourself to make it hurt less
If you could hear my thoughts you'd understand that I'm complex
And they're endless

But what's the use
I'm used to being abused by the pain I can't seem to lose
Don't speak for me
I might be slow to draw
But don't think for me
My trigger finger is quick to take me out of my misery
Thank God for cold feet

Thank God I'm terrible at endings

I've ran from myself for far too long
I'm all caught up
To see where I am now
I have to look back at where I began
The sky is mixed with colors because I can finally see
My hands are right in front of me
Lead me to the promise land
Let me bathe under the sun
The only thing I want to feel is the rain and how it runs
There's no need for fear or doubt
Let the stars guide me home
The only thing I've ever had
The only thing I know
I've learned to breathe more deeply
I've learned to take it in
And knowing I'm only 24
I've learned to live again

I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed
For you to come and save the day
My sun was gone
My skies were gray
But then you left and went away
So I prayed
And I prayed for you that night
I gave everything so you could shine
So please stay away
I can't breathe when you're around
Leave it at bay
I'm trying to stay above the ground
So I prayed
Then you burnt me with that cigarette
So I caved
Now I'm here with these regrets
And now I don't pray
Cause you took all the faith in me
Now I pay
Every night when I can't sleep
Pray for me

I am a wave
Searching for the shore
Is it a place or a soul
I do not know
I will crash and then reform
Because I can always grow
I am a wave
Searching for a home

I am stuck in my own transgressions
One more hit straight to my head

I can't sleep so I'm always lonely
Thoughts at night are the ones who hold me

And there are so many people but none of them are you
I see evil around me but you are always good

So tell me everything you can't say
And I'm climing towards better days
Cause sometimes it's hard but only the start
Escape your fears
Run with your heart
Get back to who you are

I don't float so I'm always sinking
One more night that I drawn in my drinking

I'm still a mess with some different baggage
Unstable but I always manage

And I have so many habits I don't know what to choose
And I have so much damage I don't know what to do

Why do I contemplate suicide
When everyone around me dies
Then will I realize

The hardest thoughts keep me trapped in the dark
The only thing that keeps me going is when I light up a spark
Drown in the art
The thing about living is you gotta be who you are
But in my mind I think it will never change
And in my eyes it's the darkest of days
You're right next to me
It got the best of me
Giving up all of my needs
But honestly I know that it's just who I am
And in the long run it's about where I land
But I can't even stand
Where's the line
I don't want to be who I am
I hate the drip
But I'm killing for tips
I don't want a life that's filled with that kind of risk
But what if it hit
What if it ripped
What if I left it all behind because I don't want to live
But sometimes I do want to live
It's like a drift
Moving and swaying
If I can't figure it out is it worth staying
But I think about the pain
The constant rain
If I had no more days

I don't even know how that all came out

Finding the right words is hard when you are constantly choking on sound
This and that
And the aftermath
**** a sunrise
Let my mind set
I try to follow roadsigns but I missed my exit and refuse to turn back
I don't time travel well
She has planted deep roots inside of me
The cold is harsh and all I want is to protect her tiny heartbeat
Shake me
Shake me
Shake me till I erupt with passion again
I've been standing still for too long
I don't know how to grow
I know how to stretch
Pull me apart
Make me feel again
She is pure sunshine and she knows it
And I know that God exists just by how she looks at me
I'm rebuilding for the sake of consistent structure
My foundation is custom
Make me see
Make me see
Make me see what is right in front of me
Life is meant to be wandered through
Not wondering through
And my God what a beautiful thing to be experiencing it with you

I'm stuck between wanting you and wanting my sanity
The sunshine surrounding my day only comes when you are next to me
I'm trying to find balance but walk on shaky ground
If love is faith
Why is love also madness
You look at me with eyes of gold and I melt down into my purest form
Finding inner love is hard when all you really want is the warmth from the outside
I'm not sure where I'm going
I'm just happy I'm still trying
Growing is endless
If you stay I promise to show you the depths of the ocean
And the vastness of the sky
For I once lived in the dark but you are natural sunshine
And with my pale skin and damaged heart
I will soak up all you have to offer me
Even if it means losing my sanity

I've lost myself searching for other people
My map runs in circles
If I could just find a will to live I could live a life willingly
I'm trapped inside a small room in my mind with even smaller windows
Never giving enough light to push the silence out
I strike matches over and over hoping they will cast a shadow
I need some kind of cover from the monsters
I used to have galaxies in my eyes and gold in my veins
But everything is dark now and I've never been the same
If she could see me in my pure form she'd have to stay
Do I cycle through people or do people cycle through me
If none of us are growing how will we ever reach our needs
I just need you next to me
I'm no longer whole and I've made a mess of things
The blade still has too much power over me
Will I make it to 23
I lose myself time and time again
My only friends are the voices in my head
I've lost myself searching for other people
If I stop...


Who will come find me?

Whether I'm black or blue
Whether I'm true to me
Or true to you
I can't help but feel like I'm being used by you
You take and take and give a little but I'm satisfied
Everybody around me not knowing why
Why do my insecurities run my life
And you could give me no attention but I'd still be walking 2 feet behind
You act like you're not good enough
****
I'm a ******* mess with a big heart
That's not enough
If you told me to come over and smoke you up
I'd be there
You don't realize that I'm ******* scared
My demons are just waiting to reappear
And how the **** am I supposed to control myself
Alone by myself
Trying to find pills to **** myself
How come when I need somebody they're all gone
If you called me right now I'd walk through the storm in my brain just to be next to you
If you're not giving me the best of you
Why do I stick around so long
I always find myself giving too much
And then I **** myself up
You're going on a date
So I pour another drink
That makes sense
Why can't I just tell you that it bugs me when you talk about all the guys who don't really see you
I could write a list of all the things I like about you
And if you died right now I'd probably die too
You just want a guy who won't really love you
But I love you
I stand on my own but still want to be next to you
You ignore me when we're apart but smile when I see you
Don't stand too close to me I'll want to be close to you
******* I want to be close to you
Sometimes I feel so connected then I feel unattached from you

I'm drunk and you're sleeping
You're stressed and I'm reaching

If you would open up I could stop the flood
But I'm gone

You always play this game
But I'm not equipped for it
These guys don't even know
When I open up just know I'm real
Sometimes I know how you feel
Other times I'm not sure if it's real
Or you just need to feel something

If I'm fading don't make me wait for you
Stay with me or let me leave
I'm dying quickly

Please recuse me

I've been living a life with no dreams and no bibles
My suicidal tendencies make me think the end is vital
And please
Don't ******* hate me
My life has been a trainwreck since the day they made me
Don't ******* play me
You think I'm innocent with a smart mouth
***** I'm reckless with a hit list and there's only my name on it
I put myself down so other people can step up
I've lost my faith and my passion
I'm really messing up
I never reached for the stars
I was too busy looking at my feet
Father please if you see me send help
I've been walking backwards just to save everyone else
I'm stuck on the *****
And stuck on the blade
Can't ******* sleep at night
And eat every other day
My mind is fading away
I'm honestly trapped in my honesty
She kissed me last night and now I can't breathe...

I'm living a life with no dreams and no bibles
I'm working on my suicidal tendencies because


I'm vital

Pills on pills on pills on pills
I can't ******* sleep
Tape my eyes shut
And just drift away
I want to ******* dream
She meets me in my silence
And listens when I scream
If she knew that I would die for her, she'd want to be with me
All this madness
All this sadness
When will it all just end
And in this blackness all I have is your love to give me strength
So please don't leave me
Or deceive me
My mind is a grenade
I can't pull the pin and let them win, my hand is on the blade
Pills on pills on pills on pills
I can't ******* sleep
Stop me please from shaking
I want to be at peace
I was drowning
Till you found me
You're saving me each day
And I will love you till I lose you
It will be my darkest day
But in my dreams there you'll be
My only saving grace

She doesn't believe in herself
Only in her demons
She shakes at the sight of herself
But everything about her leaves me speechless
She holds back for my sake
But I latch on to stop the ache
And we're both fighting separate battles but still take cover in each other
She is my light
Without fail
She's always built herself up on her own
Homegrown with a lasting impression
She has no problem with self expression
And let me just say I ******* love that
She breaks up the daily routine of my mind
And I try to fill the void left by the people who never really looked at her
She is remarkable
You should never try to contain her
Because she is too free and too wild
And sometimes I just stop and watch
Watch her move and form around people and places
Watch her go up in flames only to vanish leaving nothing but smoke

**** I want you
And I don't just mean physical
I want you at 3A.M. when you're shaking and crying from your insecurities
And I want you at 4P.M. when you come bursting through the doors with 5 bags in your hands
I want you when you it's cold outside and when the sun is beating down
I want you every day of the week and twice on Sundays
I want to know who your hero's are
Who you can't stand
What makes you laugh uncontrollably
I want to learn about your past and make you excited for your future
I want you when you are full of affection
And I want you when you can't stand to be around me
Most of all
Even when there seems to be no light around us
I will always be here wanting you

It's nights like this when I just wanna die
One strike away from suicide
I reach out and get set off to the side
No one knows what goes on in my mind

Dear no one
Because no one answered me
Dear no one
Because I'm wide awake while you are fast asleep
Dear no one
There's nothing left of me

And when I die
Don't come so you can cry
Don't fall to your knees
Or beg or plead

Because you were not there for me

Sun rays
Through my window pane
I'm not myself today
I'm not myself today

I take a breath in and it feels like my last
So I draw another one and let it fill up my chest
I'm hiding away
No one will see me today
I pull out my blade
It's the only outlet for my pain
I write suicide notes
In trying to sink but I float
I'm sprawled out all over the floor
There's blood all over my clothes

I'm not myself today
I'm not myself today

Every time I write a poem it ends up being about you
And that worries me
There will come a time when you are no longer in my life for what ever reason
And then what will I write about
Will I write about the emptiness
The void
Will my imagery lack beauty because I won't be describing your smile
Will it lack light because your eyes won't be mentioned
Will I no longer find meaning in love or pain
And I see you in the oceans and the mountains
In morning coffee and late night bonfires
I write about pain
And the way you diminished it
The subtle way you would frustrate me and make laugh simultaneously
And I know I drive you crazy
Lacking understanding of my own abilities
Not grasping my actions and how they affect things
But you're the only thing worth having
I write about you because I want to feel alive and you are life encapsulated into perfect moments
I'm more afraid if I stop writing about you
Nothing has brought me more joy than being in your presence
You make me want to grow
I'm stubborn and slow but I'm changing
This started out as fear and now I find myself forming the strength to turn it into hope
And that's all you

I lash out for the sake of noise
Silence is my enemy
I use my fake happiness as a ploy so others don't think they get to me
My advantage is that I never win so people assume they are ahead of me
I've already come this far so finishing seems like the right thing
But my stubbornness usually gets the best of me
I stare into the abyss and try to forget the casualties
In this life I'm finding out that I'm my greatest tragedy
So right or wrong I'm in this with no apologies
You can keep your love, I'm on my own
You're no longer a priority
My heart is back in my chest but still lacks authority
It forgets to beat, I forget to breathe but that's a different story
So time traveling and planes crashing are all that's left of me
Save your trap doors and vacant holes
I know what's best for me
I sway in and out of good and bad questioning my reality
If we all come from stardust then an afterlife is nothing but make believe
When she comes to me in my dreams I have to believe it's meant to be
Because she was always my anchor out at sea
I draw blood for the sake of feeling
Then go to church for some honest healing
And who knows maybe it will keep my heart from reeling
But these days I just look for any sign of smoke through my glass pipe
I can't help but be weak but I still fight
It took me months to write this but I think it's alright

You are probably wondering where I have been
I got lost for awhile
My hands could not hold on to my dreams anymore so I drifted away
The hourglass continued to run and time no longer served a purpose to me
I left for the mountains and hoped I would find that small flame once again
My legs collapsed underneath me and I decided to stay on the ground
My life stopped and no amount of faith or empty words could get me to where I needed to be
I stopped writing because I didn't think I had anything left to say
Broken pencils and crumpled up paper filled my floor and I was still empty
I've learned that people change people
And no amount of love that I could muster up would have been able to fill your soul
The sky bright with colors but I could only see in black and white
No amount of change could get me off the streets and back into your embrace
I was lost because I wanted to be
The map back to my old self was expired and I could no longer be the thing that everyone loved to throw away
If you are wondering where I've been then you have not been looking close enough
I am where I always am
In between my need for a blade and other people's approval
Because I am a mix of my father's disappointment and my mother's half lived life
He can never get things right
And she refuses to live fully
And I am equally her's as I am his
Life is only worth it if you put something into it
I haven't written because what more can I say
I'm coming back from the edge with empty pockets and messy hair
It shows that I haven't collected much and that I haven't been anywhere

White walls hold secrets
I'm sorry we haven't spoken
I haven't really been sleeping I always wake up choking
I know you won't understand why but this life has been eating me alive
These blank walls hold demons and have left me broken
And now that you know by reading this letter
Nothing will ever keep me from heaven
So please find a way to forgive me
And hold onto my things because that's where you will see me
And I've added my name to the list of forsaken
I've decided to take myself out of the equation
I know you'll be mad and forever sad
But this ship can no longer keep me afloat
White walls hold secrets

And that's all that she wrote

She reminds you of a tiny flame. You look at her and she's small and beautiful and luminous. And in the back of your mind you know she is equally both dangerous and weak. One wrong word or action and she can diminish into nothing but smoke. But if she catches something that makes her feel alive she grows too quickly even for herself to handle. And while you stare into the glow of her soul. Feel the warmth of her body. She begins to burn down everything you hold dear. And you should have seen it coming. You should have paid more attention but that little flame flickered and danced around and you couldn't help but still see it as small and beautiful. And once she absorbed all she needed from you to survive, she vanished. Leaving you in piles of ash and rubble. You saw her as a small flame and she saw you as everything she needed to grow into a fire. Now you carry around buckets of water throwing them at everyone you see. Hoping they won't engulf you into their destruction while you rebuild yourself.

I can feel my heart break into pieces and I just let it happen
This world is full of glass jars and I'm choosing to step on every single one in front of me
I can't tell if I'm getting better or if I'm getting more numb
I don't leave my bed because the outside is bright and I might find purpose
I don't want to find purpose because that means expanding and I can't really bend over backwards anymore
I am in a new town with all new faces and they have no clue that demons hover above me
They all seem shallow and closed off from real life and that's probably why they already hate me
They smell my individuality and it is not pleasing to them
The craters in my head are attracting other lifeforms and I can hear them when I sleep
I toss and turn a lot because I dropped my anchor out at sea
A lot of people try to figure me out but they don't believe what they can't see
And I really want to die
But the girl with the big eyes will not let me go
And I don't know if that makes me angry or grateful
But I'm seeing life through a one way mirror and I am on the outside
I am seeing everything
But they don't see me
And I am watching and listening for a reason to stay
Despite my need to fly away constantly
Then she looks at herself in the mirror and smiles
And my heart doesn't break as much as it once was

It seems I only bleed when people test me
Test my abilities
My loyalty
My heart and nerve
Carve lines making up words that fade into a blur
He looks at me with no love so I do the same towards myself
I used to put so much energy into trying to be someone else
He walks away like he has nothing to lose
I choose a knife because it feels better than his abuse
Agree to disagree that's all we ever do

They talk about her like she was never real
They talk about me like I don't know how it feels
If she was still around I could be content with myself
The way her parents talk it's like I ruined her health
So I engrave our years together
My arms tell stories
The scars show fears
I only blame myself because I was all she had
Decided to put myself first at the time didn't sound so bad
So when they mention her I feel lost and confused
The only way to cope is to pick pain over you
I feel enough for the both of us
All the regret is clear so I don't open up
I know if you were here you would want me to stop
But you're not
And that's on me
So I'll drink away and let myself bleed

We all have things that weigh on our hearts
We all have demons who come alive in the dark
And when I'm triggered I don't see red, I see stars
Block out the noise and forget who people are
I lose myself for the sake of coping
I'll smile and act like I'm joking
Everything is too real for me
My triggers are as real as the air I breathe
They are alive
They will be the death of me

My habits always happen to follow me
Crossing rivers
Climbing trees
Always inside my dreams
And just when I think I'm free
They turn a corner and end up right next to me
They scare me
They don't know how much control they have yet
But each relapse is massive
The casualties will surely be greater than one
Because I know I've left parts of me with everyone
I'm sorry for causing that kind of pain
I know it never goes away
My will power slowly decays
And I just continue to play in a corner
Hiding behind my humor as my armor
Walking farther from the truth
It's true I'm not very brave
Despite what people might say
Believe me, trees sway in the wind
I fall back on my habits
They keep me sane
Which doesn't make sense because they destroy my brain
And the way I behave
But I do them anyways
And I am a ticking time bomb
I fall in love and add more minutes then they walk away and I'm left standing in my pre-dug grave
What do I say
What do I do to convince myself that I just might be worth it
And that my birth wasn't some big mistake
Mistakes can be great you know
My habits don't want me to know that
I hold back
Two months, what kind of progress is that
Why can't I just clean when I'm upset
Why can't I just stay clean despite what my dad says
And his words leave me restless
No one can win in his mess
My habits feed off of his every breath
He is just mean
Triggers are everything
Triggers leave a big mess to clean

Stop romanticizing the people who hurt you
Don't compare them to a dead flower
Or a sunset
Talk about how they erupted like a volcano
Talk about how they made you fall like a tree
They are storm clouds
Bad habits
Don't talk about the way they chose to love you
Talk about how they spoke when they were angry
Describe their impatience
Don't use a metaphor to illustrate the curves of their smiles
The beauty of their eyes
Talk about the shape of their fists
The noise behind the slamming doors
Don't act like you were the problem and all they did was try and find a solution
You are not a math problem
You are an abstract painting
And they never took the time to fully look at you
Let alone appreciate all you had to offer
Let's not talk about what you might have done wrong
Let's talk about how they reacted
Why do we have to punish ourselves because someone else didn't know how to love us
Why do we break a part our way of thinking to match someone else's thought process
We are all tiny planets
Small universes
Don't cover up your own beauty and wonder just because someone wasn't prepared
Shine the way you want to
Let's talk about that

There was once a girl with a charcoal past
Slowly burning at the core
She had a loud ****** mind
With a bitterly sweet heart
She came into my life like a freight train
This girl lit everyone on fire while she burnt out
She had this way of making me feel out of control
She could build me up to the sky
Then send me spiraling down in a matter of minutes
And I was hooked
Hooked on the lifestyle she brought
Skipping class to watch her take drugs because I was already high off her fumes
Tracing the scars on her wrists with my eyes
Watching her fade in and out of this time period
I never saw any of it coming
She walked on the edge of my life
No longer being fully present
And I ached at the core
Tracing lines into my own arms to match her's
Questioned my life the way she questioned her's
She walked away
I was never the same
There was once a girl who left a mark on me
She was a burning house
I was the wooden rocking chair alone in the corner
I never had a chance

I'm trying to figure out why I'm not good enough
The man who makes up half of who I am
Shows no interest in 1/3 of his self-worth
And I get it
I was never very bright
Never really right for this world
I questioned every move he ever made
And always acted like I didn't need him
Life lessons came from outside perspectives
And I guess I never really fit into his world
Drinking and driving is hard when you have a kid in the car
It's hard to shut the world out drinking *** and coke when you have someone asking you history questions
Mixing morning screwdrivers is challenging when you have to pour cereal into a bowl at the same time
I get it
Alcohol is your life line
Your anchor out at sea
You want to experience life with blinders on
So far you've done a pretty good job
Now that I'm older you expect me to walk away
Because you never really were there to be begin with
So why would I even want you to stay
If you can't change for your kids then you really can't change for anyone
I just want you to tell me why I'm not good enough
I'm not a little kid anymore
Because of you I'm pretty tough
Maybe if I was gone you could drink freely
I'm seeing clearly
I can't make you love me the way you love the bottle
And one day I will just be another hazy memory
You'll never fully know what happened
You'll look at me and say that I was just a bad habit

We don't talk because it's just easier to breathe
Breathe in the silence of a life full of "I'm sorry"
The sky with always run blue and my blood will always bleed red
No matter what anyone screams or fights about
And you sir are no dad
You are dead
This world only takes in what it gives out
Societies karma will surely bring us down
The sky will be the limit because that will be all we have left to sing about
We are all just atoms made up to destroy things
Toxic veins and organs rigged to explode
So why do I act like you
Why do I bring people to their knees
Sending hurricanes and tsunamis on tiny villages filled with kids with hopes and dreams
And in all honesty this world doesn't mean **** to me
But you
You are this entire solar system to me
Brown whirlpools for eyes
And a cascading waterfall of a heart
I'd spend eternity exploring the forest that is your soul
This world is such a dark hole
And you must be my silver lining
The only part of this world that is true beauty
My hands shake like earthquakes
My words stumble on cracks in the sidewalk
My heart sinks into potholes
You are the Bernie Sanders to my generation
My revolution
Despite my need for darkness and bad decisions
You make me good again
And when I can't breathe
When the clouds roll in and take away my sunshine
When everything beats me down
You are the only thing still standing
And this world will only give you what you can handle
And until the day I die
I will bring you into battle

You made me feel invalid
As if my feelings were not allowed to be shared
And I should be hollow inside
You made yourself the ruler
Taller than everyone
Keeper of right and wrong
And I always seemed to be wrong
You used my humor against me
And I began to question my words
Acting as if you didn't know my intentions
You put blame on your past
Using it as your playing chip
Your 'get out of jail free' card
Verifying your inability to see hypocrisy
You punished me
Distanced yourself to make me suffer
Watched me beg for forgiveness
Until you felt better
You shared my past
As if it was just another book for you
Giving others the power to hold me in the palm of their hands
You were the only one who could feel
The only one who could hurt
The only one who could yell or turn their back
The only one could be big
And I let you
I chose loving your abuse over loving my sanity
Love really is blind
Pain is all seeing
And I'm sorry other people made you this way
You had power that would have lasted a lifetime
And I would have stayed weak for you

It is Thanksgiving, 2012
I'm standing in my grandmother's kitchen
The kitchen I grew up in
Where I did my homework
Ate my snacks
Sat and listened to the adults tell stories using names I couldn't put faces to
I'm standing on the outskirts
Because I know that what I'm about to say will soon make me an outsider
I wait for a moment of silence between my aunts and uncles
Silence has never been so deafening to me before
I clear my throat and mutter
"I have something to tell everyone"
They all look at me except my grandma who keeps her back to me
"I'm gay"
They stare with eyes of confusion
Glances that have only seen a Catholic lifestyle
And why is it that people have to make you feel like it's not okay to be who you are
When growing up we are taught how to make friends by being ourselves
And why is it that all of my straight cousins don't have to tell the family about their sexuality
But here I am condemning myself to the family that has only ever known 1 thing
Perfection
I almost wish that I had stopped myself
That I had stayed this quiet little girl for a little longer
That I obeyed my family and the church and all the people who saw me as wrong
It's hard growing up Catholic
When everything is about tradition
And you are too afraid to question what you were taught
Because they teach you to be scared of sin
I am ******* terrified of sin
Terrified of my own sexuality
My own way of loving someone
It is 2016
And we don't talk about it
Because talking would mean acknowledging the fact that I might not be perfect
That I might be a little different
My grandma likes to brag about her grandkids
Except me
And I don't bring it up because she raised me
And I'm realizing that she only talks about the things she is proud of
"She's going through a faze"
"Your grandma is trying to accept you"
"Jackie cover up your tattoos"
"Don't tell anyone you're gay"
Jackie be normal
Jackie be straight
Jackie be anything other than who you are
Please so I can be proud of you
I sit in my silence and it becomes my new home
Catholics are raised to follow tradition
Our paths are formed the minute we are born
We do not stray
We do not question
I cover up my tattoos so my grandma doesn't get upset
I cover up my sexuality so my grandma doesn't get upset
I cover up myself because tradition is more important than creating my own
And that makes me upset

For the first time in ten months I am alone
This life once had so much meaning and now I don't know my place anymore
There is pressure to start school or find work
But I am exhausted
Both physically and mentally
I just want to sleep
The people closest to me are now so far away
And I wonder if I will ever see them again
The day has never felt so empty
They talk about all the wonderful things that can happen in life after AmeriCorps
But no one talks about the adjustment
Trying to find meaning in an unremarkable day
Finding balance in free time
Making connections with the outside world because AmeriCorps was its own universe
No one talks about how hard it will be to find yourself again
I'm starting to look for jobs but it all seems pretty meaningless
If I can't help people then what is the point
My family doesn't understand
They all took the path society laid out for them
College
9-5 job
Bills
Routine
And they don't understand that I am already fighting so hard to stay here
I can't deal with a life if I'm not happy
But I settle anyways
I don't really talk anymore
My family is spread out throughout the country
And I'm just kind of here
Not really living
Just existing
And my biggest fear is that I won't find that passion again
Because everyone knows that the older you get
The harder it is to follow dreams
Society doesn't want to see you succeed
And I'm only 19 but my mentality is now sky high
I want quality over quantity
I'm realizing that I was on a high
I was up alongside the clouds
And now I'm crashing
My eyes are closed
And I'm waiting to hit the ground....

We fall for a love we know nothing about
And we stay
And I give despite the lack of love I have for myself
Love is hypocrisy
Love is unrelenting
Love is listening to a dial tone from a number that isn't even on anymore
Because maybe there is a chance someone will answer
Even when you know for a fact it won't be the person you want
We all strive for the type of love we think will move mountains for us
But we won't even cross a puddle for ourselves
And she said she loved me
When in all honesty she loved the idea of unconditional love
But attached to a different person
And I can't really be mad about that
But I still try
And why do I feel like I have to give more love than I receive
Otherwise people will leave me
Love can be so backwards
And if love is only connected to genitals than I am so far from love it's ridiculous
But if it is related to happiness
Than the girl with the soft brown hair and even softer brown eyes is who I want to love
And she knows
And she doesn't change the love she has for me which resembles more of like a sister than a lover
Which I'm okay with
Because at 3am I don't really need a lover
So in this case love is spot on
And she's ******* me
But only when she knows I need it
Otherwise she is kind and makes me feel like the sun was made to shine on my face
And that my friends is real love
The kind of love that can get you through your darkest days
Sometimes love can be kind of perfect
And she knows that when I call I don't really want to talk about my day
So she says something that she knows will make me laugh
Love is her
And if I can't make her laugh just as much then I know she is struggling
Love is knowing when to shut up and listen
We fall for a love we know nothing about
And sometimes we end up learning more about ourselves than our lovers
And that is just as powerful

You don't want to do this
Despite everything your demons say
This will not change how you feel
This will not change what she did
It won't change the fact that your pride is more important than talking to your dad
It won't make you feel alive
It won't make you forget
And I know it's all you've known for 7 years
But your mind was cloudy back then
And now you have choices
Put the knife away
I don't even know why you bought it in the first place
You knew it would tempt you
But I want it
No, you want to numb yourself
You want the rush and then the drop
The high it gives you
But it helps me
Oh Jackie
You poor lost soul
A self created version of who you used to be
You don't even compare to the original
You create this idea in your head that this self inflicted coping mechanism is the only thing saving you
That without it you would stir and suffer in silence
And your scars are your battle cries
They yell for you
They show your story
You think this is what makes you human
This is what it means to feel
I don't think I can stop
You have to
Or it will **** you
I know you don't like to think like that but you have to
Society won't do anything for you
These people won't protect you
The blade can't be the one who connects you to reality
And if you keep going it will only break you more
And honestly I don't know how much you have left

Promises aren't really promises
I lost more than the bottle did
And it kills me to know you chose alcohol over me
Even though I purposely make myself bleed
So I guess I'm a hypocrite
I can't put the knife down
I've inherited the urge for the bottle too
So I guess I'm spitting image of you
I light myself on fire just to keep others warm
I cause problems and jump head first into storms
The ones I love can't get through to me
We all sat in the living room crying trying to get through to you
Addiction is nasty business
It's left our family in pieces
I can't even look at you
The man who gave me life and my name
Would rather sit in a bar than go to my basketball games
The one who came home late and belligerent
Knocked over our tree and basically ruined Christmas
The man who said I wouldn't amount to anything because I was just like him
Now I'm sitting in my room alone with a pen
And I can't explain it
I want to reach out to you
But I know what I say won't change what you do
And it was so awkward on Easter
We acted like we didn't know each other
Every time I walked into a room you left like I wasn't welcomed or something
And you're my dad
You're supposed to be my hero
How am I supposed to grow up when all I've seen is violence and evil
And I know you've been through ****
Have guilt with losing your dad
And honestly we're headed down that same path
But I can't keep giving you a chance
Only to end up broken in half
Because you don't listen
You don't think you're in the wrong
But why would I push you away if everything was good and calm
I want you in my life but only if you stay strong
You went sober for over 100 days and I thought that our hell was gone
I thought God answered my prayers
But I don't really believe anymore
19 years of birthday wishes
I don't see Him anymore
And maybe prayers can't save you
Maybe tears can't save you
Maybe this is a battle that only you can face
I know you've been running this race for a long time
I would be tired too
But you have 3 kids that want to depend on you
Danny is only 14
This is not the world he should see
I want him to be a good man one day
How is he supposed to learn if you won't even stay
You run from everything including your family
Dad tell me what you need from me
I'll do anything to have to you in my life
I'll stay up all day and all night
I'll be a better person
I won't pick stupid little fights
**** I'll marry a man if it gives our relationship life
I wish I could say all of this to you
God only knows what I would do
So please dad put the bottle down
I don't know what you're searching for but I know you won't find it at the bottom of your favorite brand
There isn't more I can say that could make you change your ways
As much as it scares me these might be your final days
All your drinking buddies are dying
And why don't you see
That it's only a matter of time before the addiction takes you away from me
There isn't much else I can say
All my thoughts are on this page
If you do change
Let me know
I would like my dad to see me grow

There are mornings when I wake up and you don't even enter my mind. I change into clothes that you haven't touched and I start a day that you have not been in. I thank the sun for shining and the ground for creating new paths. And I know I am done with you

But then

Then there are times when I wake up and feel you next to me. My fingers trace over my mattress and I swear you are right there. Ever so present in my life like you never left. But you are far away. So far away. Yet you have this ability to make yourself present in a world you walked away from. And I know. Even after I've pulled you out of me. You will always be right there.

Everything is not okay
She doesn't want to be with me anymore
She's not ready for commitment
Even though she was the one pushing for a relationship
I cut for the first time in over a year
I got wasted and was going to end it all
And the worst part is I would still do anything for her
I'm avoiding people
I can't sleep and I haven't eaten in three days
I'll be leaving for Texas soon and she will be there
How could I give my heart away like that
She is seeing someone else
That was fast
I'm drinking more and more
I'm taking box cutters from my project to fuel my addiction
And yet we talk every day
I can't keep myself away from her
She draws me in
I don't think I can live this life anymore
I've come so close and yet I'm still so far
At first I had all this time right in front of me
Now I have a few more weeks with the people who are my family
I'm drinking almost every day now
Any time I can get my hands on alcohol it floods into my system and brings trouble
People are worried
They have never seen me like this and I haven't either
I want to numb my pain
We are back in Denver with two weeks left
I get my alcohol from a store down the street from where we are staying
I just gave my friend the only box cutter I had
We are all watching an ultimate frisbee tournament
I sneak away to find a blade
I walk to three different stores until I can find one
I've hit a new low
We are at the airport
We are all dressed in the same uniform
With bags in our hands and tears in our eyes
No one thought it would be this difficult
I watch my best friend and soulmate walk down the stairs and through security
I fall back into the wall and cry
I'm now back home
It is empty with no life
I sit on the floor of my kitchen at 1a.m. and wonder how it all happened so fast....

This is so great I'm finally out of high school
My friend died from a drug overdose
We just graduated
What about his future?
Oh my god
The girl I loved
She committed suicide
I told her not to talk to me anymore
We both needed a lot of help
I think every emotion has left my body
The world is no longer nice and forgiving
Her parents are blaming me
They call and leave me text messages
They don't realize that I lost her too
No one is really asking if I'm okay
I kind of want to drop dead
I leave for Colorado soon and now I don't think it's a good idea
I'm too damaged
I'm saying goodbye to my parents at the airport
They don't know how relieved I am
Colorado is big and beautiful and unlike anything I've ever seen
There are so many people around me right now
All from different states and backgrounds
It is so overwhelming but they all feel like my family
My first project starts soon
I'll be staying in Denver
I'm working at a homeless shelter and food bank
There are so many families struggling
There is this girl
And she is beautiful
I'm kind of scared to get close to her
She makes me feel something
I broke it off
That is just too much right now
Well crap
We are both going to be in Arizona together
We'll be living and working together
Wow I'm falling in love
Like the kind of love that makes you smile all the time
Soon we'll be on separate projects
I had to say goodbye to her
I walked behind a truck and started crying
She is the woman I want to marry
Now I'm living on a mountain
There are so many stars in the sky
I feel so small
I'll be seeing her soon
We are spending the weekend together
I think we are going to have *** for the first time
I hope I'm good at it
That was good
That was really good
I only have a few more weeks on the mountain and then we are all going back to Denver
Then it's spring break with her
I love being in love
Well we're back in Denver
Things are kind of weird
She doesn't really want to be around me
I think she just needs some space and everything will be okay....

This high school is big
I don't really know anyone and no one really knows me
I met this girl that makes me feel both happy and sad
She does a lot of drugs but I think there could be something between us
My head hurts
I crashed into a wall playing basketball and now I don't really feel the same
I'm angry a lot
She is starting to do more drugs and I've started cutting
High school is not what I thought it would be
I'm starting to make new friends because she's not talking to me anymore
I think she was in the hospital over the summer or something
I think everyone knows I'm gay
I don't really talk about it but I think it's obvious
******* my mom just asked me if I was gay
Should I lie?
**** now my whole family knows
I'm in love with this girl
And the cool thing is, is that she loves me too
I still cut everyday
The only person who knows is my best friend and I don't think she knows what to do
A kid put a note on my locker that said ******
How did he even know where my locker was?
People are mad and I'm just kind of numb
High school is not what I thought it would be
I'm now a junior and this year is going pretty well
I'm still in love but she is becoming really depressed
I think my mind is playing tricks on me
I keep seeing myself dying
I don't really want to die but maybe it would make things better
Everyone is taking about college but I've never really been book smart
I also sleep a lot in class so that doesn't help me either
But there is this really cool program called AmeriCorps NCCC
I could travel and help a lot of people
I think I'll look into it
Wow I'm a senior
I'm no longer with that girl I loved
Things got really complicated
Someone hacked my Facebook and called me ****** again
I wish people had new insults
My friends are *******
I just kind of wish I was straight
I applied for AmeriCorps but my dad says I won't get in
I don't really have a backup plan
I promised my best friend I would stop cutting so I'm going to try
I also think I'm going to get a tattoo to cover some scars but I'm kind of nervous
My head hurts again
I got knocked into the bleachers at track practice
And now it hurts when it's loud and bright outside
My whole season is ruined
Hey
I got accepted into AmeriCorps
I'm going to Colorado in October
Things are really coming together
I haven't cut in 4 whole months
I graduated high school today....

I think I'm gay
But I'm not exactly sure what that means
All the girls in my class are starting to talk about boys
And I don't see what they see
I see the girls though
My body is doing this weird thing
I'm think I'm growing up
I told my best friend that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up when we were sitting in math class
She told another friend and that friend told her parents
I think I'm in trouble
The guidance counselor called me in and now he's asking me all these questions
I'm just going to lie
My family has a reputation at this school
Wow this girl is pretty
Her smile is nice
And I like her long hair
Sometimes during church I catch myself staring
I hope my priest doesn't know
My parents are promising to stop fighting as long as I don't **** myself
Whatever
Ha I just failed my math test and I have detention after school
I'll tell my parents I'm getting help with my homework
They don't pay attention anyways
The girl knows I like her
I hope she doesn't say anything
Soon I'll be going to a big public school
I wonder what that's like
Middle school is a piece of cake
My parents are still fighting
Figures
The cops showed up a few days ago
They arrested my dad
My grandpa just passed away and he was more like my dad than my actual one
Death is becoming more and more real to me
I think I need to find God again....

I'm a quiet little kid in a family full of talkers
I look up and stare at mouths moving and wonder how people have so much to say
I'm wearing a dress my grandmother bought for me
No one knows that I hate it
I have 2 boy cousins and 2 girl cousins
I don't really fit in with either side
The girls want to play with makeup and they don't understand why I don't like that stuff
The boys won't let me play with them because "I'm a girl"
I didn't know that was a problem
My parents yell a lot and they don't realize I'm listening
I've learned to blend in with my surroundings
I've never yelled before
Not even on the playground when this kid in my class said I wasn't smart enough to be an astronaut
I just walked away
I didn't know that there was a possibility that my dreams wouldn't come true
Everything is not what I thought it would be
For some reason everyone talks about love but people are really mean
Maybe when I get older everyone will be nice to everyone
I saw a dog get killed by a car in my neighborhood
Wow
Death is a real thing
Will I die one day?
Probably when I'm like 500 or something
Not when I'm 14 or maybe 18
No that's silly
This world is big and I'm small but I think one day I'll grow big and things will be okay
I just have to wait....

Her parents did not know that once the door was shut, our love came forward
They thought we were just close friends
Just two girls trying to make it through the troubles of high school together
My parents did not know that when I said I had a "project" to work on
It really meant that I was working on loving myself fully with a girl who already loved all of my unfinished parts
Society did not know that we tried to live in the shadows
That we worked on changing so others felt more secure
That we attempted to mold and shape ourselves into this idea of normal but it never seemed right
She did not know that she was not just my moon and sun
But my entire galaxy
The gravitational pull that I orbited around
My chain of stars and planets
She did not know because I never really told her
Feeling that way scared me to my core
I always just told her I loved her but nothing more
I tried not to write about her
She did not know that I stayed awake at night
That all my feelings bounced around in my head and screamed to be let out
That I ached to express myself to a world that wanted to keep me quiet
She did not know that I wanted to die too
That my skin felt the shiver of a blade more often than it felt the warmth of her touch
That I forced myself to stay alive for her
Pushed myself to live each day
I did not know that I would lose her
That she would drift up to the sky and take her place among the stars
That I would lose part of myself
No one knew of our love
They did not know of our struggles to stay grounded
Or our fight to love each other without the fear of losing
But we lost
We lost it all

Missing you is like walking out in the cold and expecting not to get sick
Missing you is like listening to your favorite song with the volume off
It's like scraping your knee and thinking it won't bleed
Missing you is like staying up all night even when you are exhausted
Missing you is like wearing sunglasses in the dark
It's like starting a fist fight with yourself
Missing you is like a deafening silence
Missing you is like having so much to say but never saying it out loud

Missing you is like waiting for the phone to ring
It's like scrolling through all the text messages and not seeing your name

Missing you is like telling someone to never speak to you again even when they are the only one you want to hear from