**** I want you
And I don't just mean physical
I want you at 3A.M. when you're shaking and crying from your insecurities
And I want you at 4P.M. when you come bursting through the doors with 5 bags in your hands
I want you when you it's cold outside and when the sun is beating down
I want you every day of the week and twice on Sundays
I want to know who your hero's are
Who you can't stand
What makes you laugh uncontrollably
I want to learn about your past and make you excited for your future
I want you when you are full of affection
And I want you when you can't stand to be around me
Most of all
Even when there seems to be no light around us
I will always be here wanting you

It's nights like this when I just wanna die
One strike away from suicide
I reach out and get set off to the side
No one knows what goes on in my mind

Dear no one
Because no one answered me
Dear no one
Because I'm wide awake while you are fast asleep
Dear no one
There's nothing left of me

And when I die
Don't come so you can cry
Don't fall to your knees
Or beg or plead

Because you were not there for me

Sun rays
Through my window pane
I'm not myself today
I'm not myself today

I take a breath in and it feels like my last
So I draw another one and let it fill up my chest
I'm hiding away
No one will see me today
I pull out my blade
It's the only outlet for my pain
I write suicide notes
In trying to sink but I float
I'm sprawled out all over the floor
There's blood all over my clothes

I'm not myself today
I'm not myself today

Every time I write a poem it ends up being about you
And that worries me
There will come a time when you are no longer in my life for what ever reason
And then what will I write about
Will I write about the emptiness
The void
Will my imagery lack beauty because I won't be describing your smile
Will it lack light because your eyes won't be mentioned
Will I no longer find meaning in love or pain
And I see you in the oceans and the mountains
In morning coffee and late night bonfires
I write about pain
And the way you diminished it
The subtle way you would frustrate me and make laugh simultaneously
And I know I drive you crazy
Lacking understanding of my own abilities
Not grasping my actions and how they affect things
But you're the only thing worth having
I write about you because I want to feel alive and you are life encapsulated into perfect moments
I'm more afraid if I stop writing about you
Nothing has brought me more joy than being in your presence
You make me want to grow
I'm stubborn and slow but I'm changing
This started out as fear and now I find myself forming the strength to turn it into hope
And that's all you

I lash out for the sake of noise
Silence is my enemy
I use my fake happiness as a ploy so others don't think they get to me
My advantage is that I never win so people assume they are ahead of me
I've already come this far so finishing seems like the right thing
But my stubbornness usually gets the best of me
I stare into the abyss and try to forget the casualties
In this life I'm finding out that I'm my greatest tragedy
So right or wrong I'm in this with no apologies
You can keep your love, I'm on my own
You're no longer a priority
My heart is back in my chest but still lacks authority
It forgets to beat, I forget to breathe but that's a different story
So time traveling and planes crashing are all that's left of me
Save your trap doors and vacant holes
I know what's best for me
I sway in and out of good and bad questioning my reality
If we all come from stardust then an afterlife is nothing but make believe
When she comes to me in my dreams I have to believe it's meant to be
Because she was always my anchor out at sea
I draw blood for the sake of feeling
Then go to church for some honest healing
And who knows maybe it will keep my heart from reeling
But these days I just look for any sign of smoke through my glass pipe
I can't help but be weak but I still fight
It took me months to write this but I think it's alright

You are probably wondering where I have been
I got lost for awhile
My hands could not hold on to my dreams anymore so I drifted away
The hourglass continued to run and time no longer served a purpose to me
I left for the mountains and hoped I would find that small flame once again
My legs collapsed underneath me and I decided to stay on the ground
My life stopped and no amount of faith or empty words could get me to where I needed to be
I stopped writing because I didn't think I had anything left to say
Broken pencils and crumpled up paper filled my floor and I was still empty
I've learned that people change people
And no amount of love that I could muster up would have been able to fill your soul
The sky bright with colors but I could only see in black and white
No amount of change could get me off the streets and back into your embrace
I was lost because I wanted to be
The map back to my old self was expired and I could no longer be the thing that everyone loved to throw away
If you are wondering where I've been then you have not been looking close enough
I am where I always am
In between my need for a blade and other people's approval
Because I am a mix of my father's disappointment and my mother's half lived life
He can never get things right
And she refuses to live fully
And I am equally her's as I am his
Life is only worth it if you put something into it
I haven't written because what more can I say
I'm coming back from the edge with empty pockets and messy hair
It shows that I haven't collected much and that I haven't been anywhere

White walls hold secrets
I'm sorry we haven't spoken
I haven't really been sleeping I always wake up choking
I know you won't understand why but this life has been eating me alive
These blank walls hold demons and have left me broken
And now that you know by reading this letter
Nothing will ever keep me from heaven
So please find a way to forgive me
And hold onto my things because that's where you will see me
And I've added my name to the list of forsaken
I've decided to take myself out of the equation
I know you'll be mad and forever sad
But this ship can no longer keep me afloat
White walls hold secrets

And that's all that she wrote