She reminds you of a tiny flame. You look at her and she's small and beautiful and luminous. And in the back of your mind you know she is equally both dangerous and weak. One wrong word or action and she can diminish into nothing but smoke. But if she catches something that makes her feel alive she grows too quickly even for herself to handle. And while you stare into the glow of her soul. Feel the warmth of her body. She begins to burn down everything you hold dear. And you should have seen it coming. You should have paid more attention but that little flame flickered and danced around and you couldn't help but still see it as small and beautiful. And once she absorbed all she needed from you to survive, she vanished. Leaving you in piles of ash and rubble. You saw her as a small flame and she saw you as everything she needed to grow into a fire. Now you carry around buckets of water throwing them at everyone you see. Hoping they won't engulf you into their destruction while you rebuild yourself.

I can feel my heart break into pieces and I just let it happen
This world is full of glass jars and I'm choosing to step on every single one in front of me
I can't tell if I'm getting better or if I'm getting more numb
I don't leave my bed because the outside is bright and I might find purpose
I don't want to find purpose because that means expanding and I can't really bend over backwards anymore
I am in a new town with all new faces and they have no clue that demons hover above me
They all seem shallow and closed off from real life and that's probably why they already hate me
They smell my individuality and it is not pleasing to them
The craters in my head are attracting other lifeforms and I can hear them when I sleep
I toss and turn a lot because I dropped my anchor out at sea
A lot of people try to figure me out but they don't believe what they can't see
And I really want to die
But the girl with the big eyes will not let me go
And I don't know if that makes me angry or grateful
But I'm seeing life through a one way mirror and I am on the outside
I am seeing everything
But they don't see me
And I am watching and listening for a reason to stay
Despite my need to fly away constantly
Then she looks at herself in the mirror and smiles
And my heart doesn't break as much as it once was

It seems I only bleed when people test me
Test my abilities
My loyalty
My heart and nerve
Carve lines making up words that fade into a blur
He looks at me with no love so I do the same towards myself
I used to put so much energy into trying to be someone else
He walks away like he has nothing to lose
I choose a knife because it feels better than his abuse
Agree to disagree that's all we ever do

They talk about her like she was never real
They talk about me like I don't know how it feels
If she was still around I could be content with myself
The way her parents talk it's like I ruined her health
So I engrave our years together
My arms tell stories
The scars show fears
I only blame myself because I was all she had
Decided to put myself first at the time didn't sound so bad
So when they mention her I feel lost and confused
The only way to cope is to pick pain over you
I feel enough for the both of us
All the regret is clear so I don't open up
I know if you were here you would want me to stop
But you're not
And that's on me
So I'll drink away and let myself bleed

We all have things that weigh on our hearts
We all have demons who come alive in the dark
And when I'm triggered I don't see red, I see stars
Block out the noise and forget who people are
I lose myself for the sake of coping
I'll smile and act like I'm joking
Everything is too real for me
My triggers are as real as the air I breathe
They are alive
They will be the death of me

My habits always happen to follow me
Crossing rivers
Climbing trees
Always inside my dreams
And just when I think I'm free
They turn a corner and end up right next to me
They scare me
They don't know how much control they have yet
But each relapse is massive
The casualties will surely be greater than one
Because I know I've left parts of me with everyone
I'm sorry for causing that kind of pain
I know it never goes away
My will power slowly decays
And I just continue to play in a corner
Hiding behind my humor as my armor
Walking farther from the truth
It's true I'm not very brave
Despite what people might say
Believe me, trees sway in the wind
I fall back on my habits
They keep me sane
Which doesn't make sense because they destroy my brain
And the way I behave
But I do them anyways
And I am a ticking time bomb
I fall in love and add more minutes then they walk away and I'm left standing in my pre-dug grave
What do I say
What do I do to convince myself that I just might be worth it
And that my birth wasn't some big mistake
Mistakes can be great you know
My habits don't want me to know that
I hold back
Two months, what kind of progress is that
Why can't I just clean when I'm upset
Why can't I just stay clean despite what my dad says
And his words leave me restless
No one can win in his mess
My habits feed off of his every breath
He is just mean
Triggers are everything
Triggers leave a big mess to clean

Stop romanticizing the people who hurt you
Don't compare them to a dead flower
Or a sunset
Talk about how they erupted like a volcano
Talk about how they made you fall like a tree
They are storm clouds
Bad habits
Don't talk about the way they chose to love you
Talk about how they spoke when they were angry
Describe their impatience
Don't use a metaphor to illustrate the curves of their smiles
The beauty of their eyes
Talk about the shape of their fists
The noise behind the slamming doors
Don't act like you were the problem and all they did was try and find a solution
You are not a math problem
You are an abstract painting
And they never took the time to fully look at you
Let alone appreciate all you had to offer
Let's not talk about what you might have done wrong
Let's talk about how they reacted
Why do we have to punish ourselves because someone else didn't know how to love us
Why do we break a part our way of thinking to match someone else's thought process
We are all tiny planets
Small universes
Don't cover up your own beauty and wonder just because someone wasn't prepared
Shine the way you want to
Let's talk about that

There was once a girl with a charcoal past
Slowly burning at the core
She had a loud ****** mind
With a bitterly sweet heart
She came into my life like a freight train
This girl lit everyone on fire while she burnt out
She had this way of making me feel out of control
She could build me up to the sky
Then send me spiraling down in a matter of minutes
And I was hooked
Hooked on the lifestyle she brought
Skipping class to watch her take drugs because I was already high off her fumes
Tracing the scars on her wrists with my eyes
Watching her fade in and out of this time period
I never saw any of it coming
She walked on the edge of my life
No longer being fully present
And I ached at the core
Tracing lines into my own arms to match her's
Questioned my life the way she questioned her's
She walked away
I was never the same
There was once a girl who left a mark on me
She was a burning house
I was the wooden rocking chair alone in the corner
I never had a chance

I'm trying to figure out why I'm not good enough
The man who makes up half of who I am
Shows no interest in 1/3 of his self-worth
And I get it
I was never very bright
Never really right for this world
I questioned every move he ever made
And always acted like I didn't need him
Life lessons came from outside perspectives
And I guess I never really fit into his world
Drinking and driving is hard when you have a kid in the car
It's hard to shut the world out drinking *** and coke when you have someone asking you history questions
Mixing morning screwdrivers is challenging when you have to pour cereal into a bowl at the same time
I get it
Alcohol is your life line
Your anchor out at sea
You want to experience life with blinders on
So far you've done a pretty good job
Now that I'm older you expect me to walk away
Because you never really were there to be begin with
So why would I even want you to stay
If you can't change for your kids then you really can't change for anyone
I just want you to tell me why I'm not good enough
I'm not a little kid anymore
Because of you I'm pretty tough
Maybe if I was gone you could drink freely
I'm seeing clearly
I can't make you love me the way you love the bottle
And one day I will just be another hazy memory
You'll never fully know what happened
You'll look at me and say that I was just a bad habit