We don't talk because it's just easier to breathe
Breathe in the silence of a life full of "I'm sorry"
The sky with always run blue and my blood will always bleed red
No matter what anyone screams or fights about
And you sir are no dad
You are dead
This world only takes in what it gives out
Societies karma will surely bring us down
The sky will be the limit because that will be all we have left to sing about
We are all just atoms made up to destroy things
Toxic veins and organs rigged to explode
So why do I act like you
Why do I bring people to their knees
Sending hurricanes and tsunamis on tiny villages filled with kids with hopes and dreams
And in all honesty this world doesn't mean **** to me
But you
You are this entire solar system to me
Brown whirlpools for eyes
And a cascading waterfall of a heart
I'd spend eternity exploring the forest that is your soul
This world is such a dark hole
And you must be my silver lining
The only part of this world that is true beauty
My hands shake like earthquakes
My words stumble on cracks in the sidewalk
My heart sinks into potholes
You are the Bernie Sanders to my generation
My revolution
Despite my need for darkness and bad decisions
You make me good again
And when I can't breathe
When the clouds roll in and take away my sunshine
When everything beats me down
You are the only thing still standing
And this world will only give you what you can handle
And until the day I die
I will bring you into battle

You made me feel invalid
As if my feelings were not allowed to be shared
And I should be hollow inside
You made yourself the ruler
Taller than everyone
Keeper of right and wrong
And I always seemed to be wrong
You used my humor against me
And I began to question my words
Acting as if you didn't know my intentions
You put blame on your past
Using it as your playing chip
Your 'get out of jail free' card
Verifying your inability to see hypocrisy
You punished me
Distanced yourself to make me suffer
Watched me beg for forgiveness
Until you felt better
You shared my past
As if it was just another book for you
Giving others the power to hold me in the palm of their hands
You were the only one who could feel
The only one who could hurt
The only one who could yell or turn their back
The only one could be big
And I let you
I chose loving your abuse over loving my sanity
Love really is blind
Pain is all seeing
And I'm sorry other people made you this way
You had power that would have lasted a lifetime
And I would have stayed weak for you

It is Thanksgiving, 2012
I'm standing in my grandmother's kitchen
The kitchen I grew up in
Where I did my homework
Ate my snacks
Sat and listened to the adults tell stories using names I couldn't put faces to
I'm standing on the outskirts
Because I know that what I'm about to say will soon make me an outsider
I wait for a moment of silence between my aunts and uncles
Silence has never been so deafening to me before
I clear my throat and mutter
"I have something to tell everyone"
They all look at me except my grandma who keeps her back to me
"I'm gay"
They stare with eyes of confusion
Glances that have only seen a Catholic lifestyle
And why is it that people have to make you feel like it's not okay to be who you are
When growing up we are taught how to make friends by being ourselves
And why is it that all of my straight cousins don't have to tell the family about their sexuality
But here I am condemning myself to the family that has only ever known 1 thing
Perfection
I almost wish that I had stopped myself
That I had stayed this quiet little girl for a little longer
That I obeyed my family and the church and all the people who saw me as wrong
It's hard growing up Catholic
When everything is about tradition
And you are too afraid to question what you were taught
Because they teach you to be scared of sin
I am ******* terrified of sin
Terrified of my own sexuality
My own way of loving someone
It is 2016
And we don't talk about it
Because talking would mean acknowledging the fact that I might not be perfect
That I might be a little different
My grandma likes to brag about her grandkids
Except me
And I don't bring it up because she raised me
And I'm realizing that she only talks about the things she is proud of
"She's going through a faze"
"Your grandma is trying to accept you"
"Jackie cover up your tattoos"
"Don't tell anyone you're gay"
Jackie be normal
Jackie be straight
Jackie be anything other than who you are
Please so I can be proud of you
I sit in my silence and it becomes my new home
Catholics are raised to follow tradition
Our paths are formed the minute we are born
We do not stray
We do not question
I cover up my tattoos so my grandma doesn't get upset
I cover up my sexuality so my grandma doesn't get upset
I cover up myself because tradition is more important than creating my own
And that makes me upset

For the first time in ten months I am alone
This life once had so much meaning and now I don't know my place anymore
There is pressure to start school or find work
But I am exhausted
Both physically and mentally
I just want to sleep
The people closest to me are now so far away
And I wonder if I will ever see them again
The day has never felt so empty
They talk about all the wonderful things that can happen in life after AmeriCorps
But no one talks about the adjustment
Trying to find meaning in an unremarkable day
Finding balance in free time
Making connections with the outside world because AmeriCorps was its own universe
No one talks about how hard it will be to find yourself again
I'm starting to look for jobs but it all seems pretty meaningless
If I can't help people then what is the point
My family doesn't understand
They all took the path society laid out for them
College
9-5 job
Bills
Routine
And they don't understand that I am already fighting so hard to stay here
I can't deal with a life if I'm not happy
But I settle anyways
I don't really talk anymore
My family is spread out throughout the country
And I'm just kind of here
Not really living
Just existing
And my biggest fear is that I won't find that passion again
Because everyone knows that the older you get
The harder it is to follow dreams
Society doesn't want to see you succeed
And I'm only 19 but my mentality is now sky high
I want quality over quantity
I'm realizing that I was on a high
I was up alongside the clouds
And now I'm crashing
My eyes are closed
And I'm waiting to hit the ground....

We fall for a love we know nothing about
And we stay
And I give despite the lack of love I have for myself
Love is hypocrisy
Love is unrelenting
Love is listening to a dial tone from a number that isn't even on anymore
Because maybe there is a chance someone will answer
Even when you know for a fact it won't be the person you want
We all strive for the type of love we think will move mountains for us
But we won't even cross a puddle for ourselves
And she said she loved me
When in all honesty she loved the idea of unconditional love
But attached to a different person
And I can't really be mad about that
But I still try
And why do I feel like I have to give more love than I receive
Otherwise people will leave me
Love can be so backwards
And if love is only connected to genitals than I am so far from love it's ridiculous
But if it is related to happiness
Than the girl with the soft brown hair and even softer brown eyes is who I want to love
And she knows
And she doesn't change the love she has for me which resembles more of like a sister than a lover
Which I'm okay with
Because at 3am I don't really need a lover
So in this case love is spot on
And she's ******* me
But only when she knows I need it
Otherwise she is kind and makes me feel like the sun was made to shine on my face
And that my friends is real love
The kind of love that can get you through your darkest days
Sometimes love can be kind of perfect
And she knows that when I call I don't really want to talk about my day
So she says something that she knows will make me laugh
Love is her
And if I can't make her laugh just as much then I know she is struggling
Love is knowing when to shut up and listen
We fall for a love we know nothing about
And sometimes we end up learning more about ourselves than our lovers
And that is just as powerful

You don't want to do this
Despite everything your demons say
This will not change how you feel
This will not change what she did
It won't change the fact that your pride is more important than talking to your dad
It won't make you feel alive
It won't make you forget
And I know it's all you've known for 7 years
But your mind was cloudy back then
And now you have choices
Put the knife away
I don't even know why you bought it in the first place
You knew it would tempt you
But I want it
No, you want to numb yourself
You want the rush and then the drop
The high it gives you
But it helps me
Oh Jackie
You poor lost soul
A self created version of who you used to be
You don't even compare to the original
You create this idea in your head that this self inflicted coping mechanism is the only thing saving you
That without it you would stir and suffer in silence
And your scars are your battle cries
They yell for you
They show your story
You think this is what makes you human
This is what it means to feel
I don't think I can stop
You have to
Or it will **** you
I know you don't like to think like that but you have to
Society won't do anything for you
These people won't protect you
The blade can't be the one who connects you to reality
And if you keep going it will only break you more
And honestly I don't know how much you have left

Promises aren't really promises
I lost more than the bottle did
And it kills me to know you chose alcohol over me
Even though I purposely make myself bleed
So I guess I'm a hypocrite
I can't put the knife down
I've inherited the urge for the bottle too
So I guess I'm spitting image of you
I light myself on fire just to keep others warm
I cause problems and jump head first into storms
The ones I love can't get through to me
We all sat in the living room crying trying to get through to you
Addiction is nasty business
It's left our family in pieces
I can't even look at you
The man who gave me life and my name
Would rather sit in a bar than go to my basketball games
The one who came home late and belligerent
Knocked over our tree and basically ruined Christmas
The man who said I wouldn't amount to anything because I was just like him
Now I'm sitting in my room alone with a pen
And I can't explain it
I want to reach out to you
But I know what I say won't change what you do
And it was so awkward on Easter
We acted like we didn't know each other
Every time I walked into a room you left like I wasn't welcomed or something
And you're my dad
You're supposed to be my hero
How am I supposed to grow up when all I've seen is violence and evil
And I know you've been through ****
Have guilt with losing your dad
And honestly we're headed down that same path
But I can't keep giving you a chance
Only to end up broken in half
Because you don't listen
You don't think you're in the wrong
But why would I push you away if everything was good and calm
I want you in my life but only if you stay strong
You went sober for over 100 days and I thought that our hell was gone
I thought God answered my prayers
But I don't really believe anymore
19 years of birthday wishes
I don't see Him anymore
And maybe prayers can't save you
Maybe tears can't save you
Maybe this is a battle that only you can face
I know you've been running this race for a long time
I would be tired too
But you have 3 kids that want to depend on you
Danny is only 14
This is not the world he should see
I want him to be a good man one day
How is he supposed to learn if you won't even stay
You run from everything including your family
Dad tell me what you need from me
I'll do anything to have to you in my life
I'll stay up all day and all night
I'll be a better person
I won't pick stupid little fights
**** I'll marry a man if it gives our relationship life
I wish I could say all of this to you
God only knows what I would do
So please dad put the bottle down
I don't know what you're searching for but I know you won't find it at the bottom of your favorite brand
There isn't more I can say that could make you change your ways
As much as it scares me these might be your final days
All your drinking buddies are dying
And why don't you see
That it's only a matter of time before the addiction takes you away from me
There isn't much else I can say
All my thoughts are on this page
If you do change
Let me know
I would like my dad to see me grow