There are mornings when I wake up and you don't even enter my mind. I change into clothes that you haven't touched and I start a day that you have not been in. I thank the sun for shining and the ground for creating new paths. And I know I am done with you

But then

Then there are times when I wake up and feel you next to me. My fingers trace over my mattress and I swear you are right there. Ever so present in my life like you never left. But you are far away. So far away. Yet you have this ability to make yourself present in a world you walked away from. And I know. Even after I've pulled you out of me. You will always be right there.

Everything is not okay
She doesn't want to be with me anymore
She's not ready for commitment
Even though she was the one pushing for a relationship
I cut for the first time in over a year
I got wasted and was going to end it all
And the worst part is I would still do anything for her
I'm avoiding people
I can't sleep and I haven't eaten in three days
I'll be leaving for Texas soon and she will be there
How could I give my heart away like that
She is seeing someone else
That was fast
I'm drinking more and more
I'm taking box cutters from my project to fuel my addiction
And yet we talk every day
I can't keep myself away from her
She draws me in
I don't think I can live this life anymore
I've come so close and yet I'm still so far
At first I had all this time right in front of me
Now I have a few more weeks with the people who are my family
I'm drinking almost every day now
Any time I can get my hands on alcohol it floods into my system and brings trouble
People are worried
They have never seen me like this and I haven't either
I want to numb my pain
We are back in Denver with two weeks left
I get my alcohol from a store down the street from where we are staying
I just gave my friend the only box cutter I had
We are all watching an ultimate frisbee tournament
I sneak away to find a blade
I walk to three different stores until I can find one
I've hit a new low
We are at the airport
We are all dressed in the same uniform
With bags in our hands and tears in our eyes
No one thought it would be this difficult
I watch my best friend and soulmate walk down the stairs and through security
I fall back into the wall and cry
I'm now back home
It is empty with no life
I sit on the floor of my kitchen at 1a.m. and wonder how it all happened so fast....

This is so great I'm finally out of high school
My friend died from a drug overdose
We just graduated
What about his future?
Oh my god
The girl I loved
She committed suicide
I told her not to talk to me anymore
We both needed a lot of help
I think every emotion has left my body
The world is no longer nice and forgiving
Her parents are blaming me
They call and leave me text messages
They don't realize that I lost her too
No one is really asking if I'm okay
I kind of want to drop dead
I leave for Colorado soon and now I don't think it's a good idea
I'm too damaged
I'm saying goodbye to my parents at the airport
They don't know how relieved I am
Colorado is big and beautiful and unlike anything I've ever seen
There are so many people around me right now
All from different states and backgrounds
It is so overwhelming but they all feel like my family
My first project starts soon
I'll be staying in Denver
I'm working at a homeless shelter and food bank
There are so many families struggling
There is this girl
And she is beautiful
I'm kind of scared to get close to her
She makes me feel something
I broke it off
That is just too much right now
Well crap
We are both going to be in Arizona together
We'll be living and working together
Wow I'm falling in love
Like the kind of love that makes you smile all the time
Soon we'll be on separate projects
I had to say goodbye to her
I walked behind a truck and started crying
She is the woman I want to marry
Now I'm living on a mountain
There are so many stars in the sky
I feel so small
I'll be seeing her soon
We are spending the weekend together
I think we are going to have *** for the first time
I hope I'm good at it
That was good
That was really good
I only have a few more weeks on the mountain and then we are all going back to Denver
Then it's spring break with her
I love being in love
Well we're back in Denver
Things are kind of weird
She doesn't really want to be around me
I think she just needs some space and everything will be okay....

This high school is big
I don't really know anyone and no one really knows me
I met this girl that makes me feel both happy and sad
She does a lot of drugs but I think there could be something between us
My head hurts
I crashed into a wall playing basketball and now I don't really feel the same
I'm angry a lot
She is starting to do more drugs and I've started cutting
High school is not what I thought it would be
I'm starting to make new friends because she's not talking to me anymore
I think she was in the hospital over the summer or something
I think everyone knows I'm gay
I don't really talk about it but I think it's obvious
******* my mom just asked me if I was gay
Should I lie?
**** now my whole family knows
I'm in love with this girl
And the cool thing is, is that she loves me too
I still cut everyday
The only person who knows is my best friend and I don't think she knows what to do
A kid put a note on my locker that said ******
How did he even know where my locker was?
People are mad and I'm just kind of numb
High school is not what I thought it would be
I'm now a junior and this year is going pretty well
I'm still in love but she is becoming really depressed
I think my mind is playing tricks on me
I keep seeing myself dying
I don't really want to die but maybe it would make things better
Everyone is taking about college but I've never really been book smart
I also sleep a lot in class so that doesn't help me either
But there is this really cool program called AmeriCorps NCCC
I could travel and help a lot of people
I think I'll look into it
Wow I'm a senior
I'm no longer with that girl I loved
Things got really complicated
Someone hacked my Facebook and called me ****** again
I wish people had new insults
My friends are *******
I just kind of wish I was straight
I applied for AmeriCorps but my dad says I won't get in
I don't really have a backup plan
I promised my best friend I would stop cutting so I'm going to try
I also think I'm going to get a tattoo to cover some scars but I'm kind of nervous
My head hurts again
I got knocked into the bleachers at track practice
And now it hurts when it's loud and bright outside
My whole season is ruined
Hey
I got accepted into AmeriCorps
I'm going to Colorado in October
Things are really coming together
I haven't cut in 4 whole months
I graduated high school today....

I think I'm gay
But I'm not exactly sure what that means
All the girls in my class are starting to talk about boys
And I don't see what they see
I see the girls though
My body is doing this weird thing
I'm think I'm growing up
I told my best friend that I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up when we were sitting in math class
She told another friend and that friend told her parents
I think I'm in trouble
The guidance counselor called me in and now he's asking me all these questions
I'm just going to lie
My family has a reputation at this school
Wow this girl is pretty
Her smile is nice
And I like her long hair
Sometimes during church I catch myself staring
I hope my priest doesn't know
My parents are promising to stop fighting as long as I don't **** myself
Whatever
Ha I just failed my math test and I have detention after school
I'll tell my parents I'm getting help with my homework
They don't pay attention anyways
The girl knows I like her
I hope she doesn't say anything
Soon I'll be going to a big public school
I wonder what that's like
Middle school is a piece of cake
My parents are still fighting
Figures
The cops showed up a few days ago
They arrested my dad
My grandpa just passed away and he was more like my dad than my actual one
Death is becoming more and more real to me
I think I need to find God again....

I'm a quiet little kid in a family full of talkers
I look up and stare at mouths moving and wonder how people have so much to say
I'm wearing a dress my grandmother bought for me
No one knows that I hate it
I have 2 boy cousins and 2 girl cousins
I don't really fit in with either side
The girls want to play with makeup and they don't understand why I don't like that stuff
The boys won't let me play with them because "I'm a girl"
I didn't know that was a problem
My parents yell a lot and they don't realize I'm listening
I've learned to blend in with my surroundings
I've never yelled before
Not even on the playground when this kid in my class said I wasn't smart enough to be an astronaut
I just walked away
I didn't know that there was a possibility that my dreams wouldn't come true
Everything is not what I thought it would be
For some reason everyone talks about love but people are really mean
Maybe when I get older everyone will be nice to everyone
I saw a dog get killed by a car in my neighborhood
Wow
Death is a real thing
Will I die one day?
Probably when I'm like 500 or something
Not when I'm 14 or maybe 18
No that's silly
This world is big and I'm small but I think one day I'll grow big and things will be okay
I just have to wait....

Her parents did not know that once the door was shut, our love came forward
They thought we were just close friends
Just two girls trying to make it through the troubles of high school together
My parents did not know that when I said I had a "project" to work on
It really meant that I was working on loving myself fully with a girl who already loved all of my unfinished parts
Society did not know that we tried to live in the shadows
That we worked on changing so others felt more secure
That we attempted to mold and shape ourselves into this idea of normal but it never seemed right
She did not know that she was not just my moon and sun
But my entire galaxy
The gravitational pull that I orbited around
My chain of stars and planets
She did not know because I never really told her
Feeling that way scared me to my core
I always just told her I loved her but nothing more
I tried not to write about her
She did not know that I stayed awake at night
That all my feelings bounced around in my head and screamed to be let out
That I ached to express myself to a world that wanted to keep me quiet
She did not know that I wanted to die too
That my skin felt the shiver of a blade more often than it felt the warmth of her touch
That I forced myself to stay alive for her
Pushed myself to live each day
I did not know that I would lose her
That she would drift up to the sky and take her place among the stars
That I would lose part of myself
No one knew of our love
They did not know of our struggles to stay grounded
Or our fight to love each other without the fear of losing
But we lost
We lost it all