Missing you is like walking out in the cold and expecting not to get sick
Missing you is like listening to your favorite song with the volume off
It's like scraping your knee and thinking it won't bleed
Missing you is like staying up all night even when you are exhausted
Missing you is like wearing sunglasses in the dark
It's like starting a fist fight with yourself
Missing you is like a deafening silence
Missing you is like having so much to say but never saying it out loud

Missing you is like waiting for the phone to ring
It's like scrolling through all the text messages and not seeing your name

Missing you is like telling someone to never speak to you again even when they are the only one you want to hear from

I think I'm lacking passion
I think I'm heading straight for madness
I think my head is full and heart is numb
I don't have a clue where I belong
I work all day for a cause that is pointless to me
Creating money for people who wouldn't even care if I blew my head off
I come home to love that only exists because of blood
I think I'm failing at life
I think I'm failing at love
I think a mix of heartbreak and multiple concussions have ****** me up
And I don't think I'm gonna make it
Only the real people are seeing me fake it
I think I'm losing sight of who I am
I think it doesn't even matter if I stand here on this earth or leave
Either way people are going to live and breathe
And it's not like I don't matter
It's more like I'm wasted opportunities
A product with no potential
I think people wasted their time investing in something so experimental
I do think life is special
I don't think others see it that way
Settling down hurts my brain
I think I need to learn a new language
Or give up dairy
Maybe build a tree house
Or do something that scares me
Now I'm just getting off topic
I think I lack logic
While everyone else turns left or right
I stand in the middle tying my shoes
I really have nothing to lose
I think I'm already lost
I need to take care of myself but that seems like a lost cause
I think I'm funny
With great hair
But I'm unaware of my own abilities
I need someone to write them down for me
What is passion without a spark
I'm like wet matches
Just let me fizzle out
Just let me reach the dark side of this planet

I've started forming my own army
I've killed myself 6 times in my head already
But I'm actionless
Unemotional
I go through the motions
Holding my hands together
Rocking back and forth
Distorting my senses and breaking from barriers
My fingers dangling my fears like puppets
And I can't control them
My mind cutting the strings loose unleashing my insecurities
I'm reaching for greater meaning but successfully being defeated
And all my hopes and dreams are just waiting to be achieved
The only problem is me
My body says move but my brain says I'm tired
Unmotivated
Scared
Ashamed
Not good enough
I have people in my ear telling me to give it up
So if I jump I might not make it
It's a long way down and I can't fake my way around
I'm only 19 and I can't picture my life 10 years from now
I'm stuck between what's expected of me and what I want for myself
I'm stuck between a decent job and my dreams
And my parents don't see it but every second spent here just makes it harder to breathe
Life outside of where I am now is what I see for me
But the way my mind is wired, I'm just one big ticking time bomb
Fading in and out of reality and make believe
Never having stability because it scares me
And honestly I'm one bad decision away from my own place in the ground and soul in the sky
I don't want to hurt anyone but I always thought I would die at the hands of my demons
Hitting 18 was a big moment for me
Hitting 19 was just lucky
20 in 3 months and I'm just keeping my eyes closed
Holding my breath
This world will ******* up and you just never know
I made a promise
**** I made a hundred promises
And sometimes you just let people down

I think about dying more often than I think about a future
And honestly it's really now or never
I know there are a lot of people that I can't leave
But lately I can't even breathe
So I try to push the thoughts away
Write down all the things I find hard to say
I need to make it through one more day
Otherwise it will be too late
Don't take this the wrong way
But I find it hard for people to relate
If I could just escape

She holds me firmly to the ground
Honestly I would be lost if she wasn't around
I can tell in her voice that she's concerned
So all I try to do is calm her down with my words
I don't want her thinking that I'll leave it all
But it's really only a matter of time before I fall
No one knows what's going on inside
It's crippling my bones how much I want to die
But then I picture her with tears in her eyes
I couldn't leave her the way I got left behind

My head is filled with moving pictures
All that end with same scene
I'm not even safe in my own dreams
I find it hard to care
Everyone around me is unaware
I just want my time to be over
No more steps forward
Only ones bringing me closer to my resting place
I don't want people to see me face to face
They will notice my unstable state

Life is no joke
I stopped laughing when love came around a 2nd time only to leave me stranded
My past has the upper hand and I don't even want to fight it off
I'm too damaged from the last war
My childhood still leaves me sore

So please, if you see me don't address the situation
I'm tired
If you get an invitation to my funeral I'm sorry
You were loved

2a.m. is when my mind goes to work
And of course it's dark magic mixed with mayhem
Of course it leaves me cold and vulnerable
This world is more corrupt than I thought it was
I grew up on playgrounds and forests
And nowadays kids grow up on streets and prepaid jail cells with body bags on standby
Our landfills filled with plastic and our waters polluted because profit is more important
But no one will really read this so my words hit the air and fall to the ground
Like the voices of young African Americans who have already been taken
And for some reason media portrays the good as bad and the bad as good
And black people are thugs
While white people have mental illness
I try not to judge
And I can't sleep at night
I worry about my brothers out there while trying to portray myself in a different light
My head won't stop spinning some times
I think we should all be as natural as possible
Free your mind from society and abnormalities
Try counting your money as you hold your breath
I'm afraid to be in debt
But education is what we need for a proper foundation
So why is the key to success so expensive
The 1% wants us to be helpless
They want us to struggle so they can reign supreme
It's no longer about happiness or following your dreams
It's become a way to just survive
And I don't know how I'm going to leave my parents house with the wages they provide
Maybe this is why depression is so common
We all know we're gonna die
But for some reason they don't want to see us thrive
My friend Tony was shot 7 times and the murderer is walking free
All because of his skin color and a badge
If that doesn't make you angry then you're part of the problem
When it gets late at night I don't know what I will start to ponder
I just know the world is messed up
And I'm afraid of the future
If we don't fix things it will never get better
So open your heart before you open your mouth
You might be surprised about what ends up coming out
So please listen to the world around you
Take into consideration that we are all here for a greater destination
I started writing this with the intention of a different message
But some things just shouldn't be kept quiet

I remember the way my chest felt
Like when you reach the top on a roller coaster and you are waiting to fall
You lift out of your seat and you stomach rises into your lungs
That's when I knew I was going to love you
I remember walking into that hat shop in downtown Denver
One of my favorite places ever
Helping you wear a beanie properly
Pushing the hair away from your forehead
Putting my arm around you in the midst of bright lights and strangers
We were alive and unafraid
And I remember making a choice
Between falling or walking away
But none of that mattered
Because we were now in a new state
With sand and mountains and cacti
We were falling in love in the desert
Thousands of miles from our homes
Young and stupid
I remember the ring
The room
The way you felt up against my skin
And then I remember how it hurt
Hurt to breathe
To form sentences
To hold back my tears
It hurt to live
It hurt to stand alone in my own presence
To see you as someone completely different
I remember the alcohol
And the street
The sound of cars as they rushed passed me unaware of my existence
I can't remember our last kiss
Today I remember our love
Our seemingly perfect life together
Our almost 1 year anniversary
And one day I will forget
The color of your eyes
Your tattoos
Kissing you in the mornings
But I will never forget this day
I will never forget laying in my cot with you pressed against me
Asking to be my girlfriend
I will never forget loving you

Stop, please do not come any closer to me
You smell like flowers mixed with good intentions
And I smell like tequila and tears
You think you can fix me
As if I'm only broken on the outside
You do not want to see me on the inside
On the inside I am holding a gun to my head
Whether it's loaded or not is really up to my imagination
In my head I am standing on a bridge
And who knows
Maybe it's only 2 feet off the ground
Maybe there is a freaking trampoline waiting to spring me back into the air and bring joy in my life
Or maybe the drop is deadly and punishing bringing eternal sleep upon impact
Either way
You do not want to see inside of me
Inside there is mold and termites and everything that brings deterioration
There is scar tissue, bruises, broken windows and holes in the ceiling
And you might see a smile on my face but my insides are screaming
Dragging me by the hair
Holding me down
So please
Don't try to get close to me
Don't try to heal me with your love and understanding
I will rip you apart
And then expect you to clean up the mess I made
You seem like you would be good for me
And that is why I am pure poison for you