I'm not really sure if I feel huge or small
Someone asked me if I was suicidal
I said no
But if I was walking across the street and a car was coming towards me
I don't think I would move
If someone held a gun to my head
I wouldn't beg for my life
I might just laugh and say pull the trigger
And with everything that's happened I guess I'm a little bitter
My hands don't seem to work anymore
I wake up and my head is sore
I reach for a bottle because liquor makes my veins thicker
I reach for a knife because thicker veins bring a little more extra pain
Promises were made
I want to quit my job and run away
But society wants you to feel ashamed if you're not getting paid
Honestly my head is just not in the game
I'm actually very scared
I could really use a wish or a prayer
Maybe even divine intervention
Maybe this is all a lesson
I don't know if I'm weak or strong
I'm at the edge of the cliff hanging by my fingertips
I've been hanging for so long
I think it's do or die
Maybe even tonight
I'm not suicidal
But if I had the opportunity to die I might just take it
Which is sad
So many lives have been taken
And I'm just throwing away my only chance

I sit in the car that's taking us on our next adventure and I can't help but look over and smile at you
Everything unfolds so quickly
Everything unravels before you expect it to
And we will never have enough time
But someone like you is truly a 1 in a million find
And we can sing songs that take us back to a time when we didn't know each other
We can hop around from state to state never really having a set destination
Get stuck in stand still traffic for hours
Or we can simply just play guitar late at night
I always thought soulmates where people you fell in love with
Someone you married and spent eternity with
I'm coming to the realization that it's the person you tell everything to
The one who sees your drunk mind turn in circles
The one who knows exactly what you like on your pizza
And knows that you only drink coffee when it doesn't taste like coffee
The person who knows all the songs on your playlist
Your soul mate is the one who calls late at night because they just miss you
The one who couldn't see a world without the other
The one who knows how precious time is and just wants your company
And I know you worry about me but I would never leave you stranded
Life can be so messed up and sometimes I can't stand it
But when I think about our friendship I can't imagine it going differently
We've been to 11 states together
Seen mountains and deserts
Wandered streets and been in rivers together
And even when life made us cold
We never let go of our time
And I know how you see yourself
I know the look on your face when thoughts roam around your brain
I know you are not naive
And I know fate is questionable
But we were once 1,000 miles away
Complete strangers
Trying to find something to hold onto
Trying to keep our feet from lifting off the ground
And I know you look for a gut feeling
Something inside that makes all the pieces fit together
I just want you to know
That fate can be deciding to get out of bed to pack your bag
Fate can be leaving school despite your better judgment
Fate can be running to catch the campus tour
And almost being late because someone just had to wear a pineapple hat
Fate can be choosing the pineapple hat out of dozens
Despite every decision we've made as friends and as strangers
Something brought us together
And somehow I was lucky enough to find my soul mate in the midst of confusion and devastation
And even though we may have limited time together
Nothing would ever make me want to change our fate

There is a spot by the lake that holds my fondest memory
We were 15 years old
When we sat on the rocks and watched the sun spin spirals of orange and purple across the sky
She was mesmerized by the oil painted landscape and I was blown away by the way the lake reflected off of her eyes
We kissed
And for a moment we began to blend in with our surroundings
Fading into the background and grasping onto our innocence
I think of this moment often
It was before we became ****** into the destruction of ourselves
It was before our own personal battles with depression collided becoming one massive world war
Before we used each other to feel again
Even if that feeling was pain
Because nothing was worse than looking at the girl you loved and not being able to remember why it was all worth it
We lost ourselves somewhere in the masses
And every time I see the sky light up and dance, I think of her
Wounds never truly heal
They only become scars
Even after months of dirt, sweat, and new experiences, scars never really fade
They only blend in with the rest of what the world around you has left behind
Watching the sunset is kind of like remembering that relationship
Everything is breathtaking
With suns and colors that stretch far beyond what you imagined
You can just sit and smile and know that it is good
And then before you know it
It's pitch black and you can't see your hand in front of your face
You can't make out where you are
And we didn't get anymore sunsets
We only got a dark void in between what we started with and what I have now
Sunsets hold a special place in my heart
They're not right next to you
But all around you
Cradling your presence
Bringing you up to the sky each night for me to remember

Missing you comes in waves
Tonight I am lost at sea
Fighting to keep my head above water
I hope you think of me
When the sun rises
Or when you're outside in the rain
I often wonder how you feel when my memory crosses your thought process
I hope you choke up and your throat tightens
I hope your hands begin to shake
I hope you ache at the thought of me
I'm not the one who lost
You walked away after experiencing the sun on your face and fireworks in your fingertips

Missing you comes in waves
Tonight I'm on the beach
Gazing at the stars

I believe things happen for a reason
Whether it's God or the force
Some kind of cosmic power pulling strings and writing stories
I'm not sure
But I can tell you that I have somehow defied my own odds
The choices I made did not take me away
I am here
There were times when I didn't think I would make it my high school graduation and that I would not see my 18th birthday
The scars on my arms multiplied
And the demons in my head screamed louder than ever before
I lost my first love
Then I lost my second
I watched my family explode from close range
And then I watched from a far
Every insecurity swirled in my head like a blizzard
I could not see a bright future
And then something clicked
Something bigger than myself took hold of my mind
My heart was no longer heavy
And I don't know if that's God stepping in or my own power of will
But I have somehow managed to save myself
And I know there is no quick fix to this disease that has held me captive for so long
But I'm realizing that you should never stop moving when it gets dark
Never quit breathing when the air gets thin
And never back down even when your opponent is twice your size
Or even when your opponent is yourself
I know things happen for a reason
That's obviously why I'm still here
And although there is still a dark cloud over me
I can start to see the sun beams
And I know one day my sky will be clear

I consist of a few small victories
And countless large defeats
Broken dreams and records on video games
Mixed with a shattered heart that's held together by silly string
I consist of atoms and star dust with traces of imagination and permanent brain bruises
I consist of my mother's depression and father's addiction with hints of my own demons
The battle between dark and darker
My veins are mainly lightening bolts and my bones are hand tools
My skin is paper mache and my organs are just empty soup cans
I consist of all my mistakes because my life basically is one large ping pong game of right and wrong
I walk on the boarder line between relapsing and being fully clean
My life consists of one giant horror story with small intervals of miracles
The ending is still unclear but I think it will all somehow fall into place
My brain is like a foam pit
The longer you stay in it, the harder it is to get out
My hopes consist of fears
And my fears consist of fears
I think I'm just scared 80% of the time
I wish I could say that I consist of healthy ways of coping
But I really consist of sinkholes in my arms and hurricanes in my liver
I'm a real winner
My eyes consist of greens and blues and sad realizations
Crushed spirits and untold riches
I consist of let downs and almost made its'
And everything I left behind somehow found me
Even when I changed my address more than 4 times
And one day I will consist of true love and new traditions
A house in the country and a passion I believe in
Getting there will be my greatest achievement
And I will look back at all the things I consisted of and only be left with one
I will be consisted of persistence

Here I am
At more of a stand still
Than an uphill
Battle of will
I have an ill mind
And I find it hard to not base my life around time
So all I can really do is redirect the way my brain falls in line
I have this shrine of God in my head
But it has nothing to do with religion or my need for saving
I walk below the ground because I'm close to caving
Nothing really is what it seems so I look to dreams more often than reality
In this day and age how can anyone really be satisfied
Just thinking about my future has my anxiety amplified
You really are my comfort zone
Anything outside of what I can say to you is far from being known
I'm in a stage of life that has loads of temporary people
Most of them think they mean something to me
But we're not even on the same playing field
Sometimes I get stopped in my tracks and I'm forced to yield
But I can't help that my mouth works faster than my brain sometimes
My handwriting is sloppy because my hands shake when I'm under pressure
My mind wanders off to my next adventure
If only I could control my stutter
But time is an illusion and we are all going under
I randomly feel my heart in my chest when it's out of rhythm
Maybe I'll go back to the doctor
I locked her out of my veins because dark thoughts can seep through my blood and up to my brain
I've trained myself to feel numb now
This is all off the record
But in Denver I was going to walk into a busy road
At 2a.m. roads should not be busy
Don't people sleep anymore?
I'm definitely torn between living mainstream and living totally free
Because I think society is trying to mold us all into wannabes
I think there's a flaw in my code
I'm more of a social norm stereotype gone rogue
Because I believe in multiple interests and not having a consistent mailing address
Life is a mess
But the good kind
Definitely the good kind