People will say that it's not your fault
They will say that you can't save everyone
And although you nod your head in agreement
You can feel the guilt slowly start to eat away at you
It begins to pick apart your bones and peel away at your skin
And no one will understand that
No one will comprehend the tone of your voice when you tell them how hard you tried
No one will grasp how quickly you fell to the floor as your world imploded
People will say that you just need time
They will say that you need to forgive yourself
But all time does is give you more opportunities to replay your 2 years together
Forgiveness will only make you feel more guilty about leaving when all she ever did was stay
And you can't tell me that I didn't play some kind of role
If you knew her as well as I did, you would know that her whole existence was based around the ones she loved
And all she did was watch one by one
Each of them walking away from her
Until all that she had left was her heartbeat
But even then, a heart can give out
I will never forgive myself for giving out
One heart alone can be strong
But two hearts together
That's invincibility

She has this calmness about her
The type that can clear the storms out of your head
You can sense her love
Even through miles that consist of treacherous paths and the monsters that haunt you
She is more than just a pretty face and working hands
She is gut wrenching
She is life that moves in slow motion
Creating the ability to see everything that unfolds
She is life shattering, bone crushing force
That leads you into all things that stabilize your constant need for overthinking
She is pure light
Breaking the sound barrier between hearts
And nothing you say will ever measure up
There is a method to the madness
She draws in nonbelievers and skeptics
She bends time into single moments
Dangling dreams and memories from her fingertips
She will never reveal her full self but that's what keeps you enticed
She will break every fiber of your being
Every particle and atom that makes up the molecular structure of your soul
And then she will sit by your bed and keep watch as you heal
Never making up her mind

And you will love every moment of it

I've come so close to death that I could feel the air escaping my body
I could feel my memories slip and the essence of myself being taken away
I could feel my skin leave my bones and I could see dust and mold reside in my rib cage
So I know what I want from life
I want an off the beaten path kind of life
Where I see new horizons and discover peaks and valleys that turn my heart into a wanderer
I want new boarders and coastlines that create tattoos along my mind covering every inch of all the bad feelings that wanted to take me away
I want a life that has no real destination but is solely focused on the journey
I want a northern lights and blue waters kind of life
A Big Ben and a land down under kind of life
Where the sky is literally my limit and I manage to explore every inch of the clouds
Mistakes are meant to be made but living a life after being so close to death is not a mistake and I will not choose ordinary
I will choose endless amounts of stars and flowing rivers
I will choose mountains and open fields
Anything that makes me proud to say that I chose life instead of what was easier
I can't go back there
Being so close to death makes me appreciate a good life
And I will explore all that it has to offer
Because I chose to live
And that is exactly what I'm going to do

I can see her
When the world is loud and chaotic
And when I'm not sure where my sense of balance went
I can see her
When my heart gets quiet
And I forget how long I've been standing in place
I can see her
When I look at sunsets
And when I watch wind make ripples in pools of water
Sometimes she is right in front of me
So real I could reach out and pull her presence into me
When I least expect it I can see her
When I open my front door to embrace the cold world
When I am somehow lucky enough to open my eyes to a new day
I can see her
I'm not sure where the line is between reality and fantasy
Or if people notice that I stare into the distance as if I see something that could never possibly be there
I see her when I smile
And when my heart races
I see her in everything that is sick and beautiful because she had always been like me
She comes when she knows I need her
And she goes when my train of thought gets derailed
I see her when I need to remember who I am
And when I need to be kept alive

I think I'm tired
My body feels restless but my mind is always ignited
I always feel like it's moving from one possibility to the next
Like a shark
If a shark stops swimming it will die
If I stop allowing my mind to turn back and forth I will succumb to my body
I can see my chest rise and fall but I no longer know if anything is alive inside me
You would think that flowers grow in the sunlight but that's not always the case
Some grow in the shade
And I don't want to fall behind
But I no longer know my place
I'm not sure where I stand
I feel like my brain doesn't get enough blood
It's all been rushed to my heart to keep it pumping
To keep it from shattering under the pressure of my chest
I cut because of something you said
It made my heart hurt
I felt it stutter and stop for a second
You still control so much of me
Do not call me strong
I had to prove her wrong
I had to not keep her words in my gut
I had to get them out
I can't tell anyone
They all think I've stopped
So this is our little secret and everything will be okay
Everything will be okay
Will be okay
Will be okay
Will be okay
You can't make yourself not feel
Even emptiness is something that's felt
You can feel the air inside you where your organs used to be
You can feel your soul flouting around in you
Tell me you don't feel that
Even when I feel empty I can feel your words being the only dense matter inside me
And when I try to let go it just breaks up into pieces refusing to vacate
And all I do is just breathe
Not fully aware that you are still so very much alive in me
I was hoping you would have died months ago
I can see my chest rise and fall
But I know I'm just bringing in air
Air that pushes you around
All the blood goes to my heart because it's trying to fix what you destroyed
Flowers can't survive a hail storm

You have become my skyline
A horizon that makes me believe in life after death
And that the earth is round
You have turned into tall buildings and trees because you believe in stretching out and touching the stars
I look up at you and you look down at me but our eyes both show that we are equal
You seem to expand over time
And I seem to shrink
But even after months of labor and hundreds of miles between us
You are still more beautiful than the night sky on the mountain
Or that time we both saw the Grand Canyon before our paths crossed
You are still more beautiful than anything I hope to see in this world
And as you continue to expand, I continue to be amazed by you
Little moments get me through this harsh life
And you break up into tiny particles that flout around my brain and hit all the right nerves
Sometimes even the wrong nerves but I'll forgive you
And I'll never forget the time we drove in that truck together
You wanted to know all the little stories that I rarely share
And I knew
You wanted inside my brain as much as I wanted inside yours

"One last all or nothing chance"
That's what my father said when my mother came home with divorce papers
He looked at me with tears down his face and I felt an ache in my chest
The kind of ache that makes you tense up and hold your breath
I've waited since the 4th grade for them to end their marriage
Sometimes I used birthday wishes and single stars to make it come true
Watching my home crumble under the weight of alcohol and pride
The smell of regret and deflection
"It's not my fault"
"I'll change this time"
"I can't lose you guys"
Blaming my father even though my mother can be the match that starts the flame
The small nudge off the cliff
Marriage takes two
Two people to love
Two people to hate
Two people to leave stains of blood on walls where photos should be
Two people to scream ****** ****** that takes the space where laughter should be heard
Nothing really matters anymore
I search for love the way my parents search for an argument
First someone says something dangerous
Something that gets the others heart racing
And then they sort of fall into it
Creating a numbness around their hearts
Not fully seeing the picture
Blinded by words
I fall in love the way my parents hate
I get lost in what she says
I let her words destroy the outer shell around my heart
I let her see me vulnerable
I allow her to break me down simply because what she says breaks my heart in the most beautiful way possible
I watch my parents fall out of love as I let myself fall into it
Because what is love without pain
Without the feeling of air leaving your lungs
"One last all or nothing chance"
And we allow it
We let in the pain like a familiar feeling
We let in love like we let in change
And I will fight for a love that is unlike my parents
I am not a product of their love
I am not a victim of their hate
I am everything they wouldn't allow in their hearts
Unconditional love