When I saw her mom
Everything around me went still
It was kind of like focusing on one thing while everything else is moving rapidly
You don't quite notice your surroundings until you blink
She walked up to me and I didn't recognize her
Until I saw her eyes
I forgot that they had the same eyes
Big dark green eyes
With tiny galaxies that exploded all around them
With hints of yellow suns and blue moons
Her eyes were my favorite
Her eyes kept me whole
Kept me captivated
She spoke to me
And for a second, I swore
That Kai was there
That all the times I spoke to her after she died she somehow heard all of it
She somehow read all my poems and listened to the voice mails I left on her cell phone
Everything was suddenly crashing down
"I haven't forgotten what you've done"
It was no longer Kai
But all of my regret flooding into my body
Drowning in big dark green eyes
Sinking into the abyss of my own blame
When I saw her mom
I took a second to look around her
Look behind her
Waiting for Kai to come running up and collapse into my arms
Stumble back into my life like drunk love
So innocent
I saw those big dark green eyes attached to a different body
Demolished high hopes can destroy you
Unrealistic expectations can be the switch that turns everything off
But those eyes
I swear
They could start a fire inside you
When I saw her mom
I saw Kai
And it made me remember that true love never really dies

Now I know why storms are named after people
Because you rolled in without warning
It started with a single drop of rain and then a flood
I got swept so far off the beaten path that when the storm ended I was lost
And I can't stand the fact that I will never be able to see you move and form into who you are
Never get to see you rush into my arms like a wave finally reaching the shore
The storm is over
It devastated so many lives
It left me washed up and abandoned
But if I had the chance
I would take the rain all over again
I would take you in all your stages and cycles
Now that the storm is over, I'm waiting for the rainbow
I'm waiting to finally be okay with losing someone who had every bit of me drowning in them
Losing oxygen, trapped in your voice
Losing my way in your eyes
You came
Built me a house
And ran through it like a pile of leaves
And so I know why they name storms after people
We were the most devastating love story
Resulting in two fatalities
You when you died
And me
When everything didn't seem as beautiful unless you were tangled up in it

I'm starting to forget the sound of her voice and I have nothing to jog my memory because where I stored our love no longer exists. It shattered to pieces the minute my heart stopped beating.

2. I told my 14 year old brother that I might be moving to Michigan and all he could say was "Please Jackie, don't leave again."

3. My dad is trying to stay sober and I'm trying not to stay sober. Our actions are clashing back and forth like the ocean during a hurricane. We are way too similar and that scares the crap out of me and yet I do nothing to change myself.

4. I'm terrible at cutting people off. Especially the ones who ripped my whole world a part. I think it's because I think I deserve it. I cheer on the pain like it's a marathon runner on his last mile. I search for it in everything. More importantly I search for it in girls with big eyes and sweet smiles.

5. As soon as I make progress I turn right back around and walk straight into everything that's killing me. I am a storm chaser. While others are trying to get as far away from everything that hurts I walk right alongside it because it's familiar and new things scare me.

6. I process my entire life in my head. Every detail of a break up, every second of that one time I thought I was falling in love but really I was using her to keep myself together. We both ended up falling apart. My mind is a machine on overdrive. A high functioning factory that continues to produce parts despite the fact that it's been closed for about 7 years now.

7. My thoughts destroy me because if I go down I want it to be my fault. I don't want anyone to think that they broke me because they didn't know that I was never really put together in the first place.

I vow to be your safe haven
Your umbrella when the rain starts to fall
The words you can't speak
And the support beams that keep your chin up

I vow to be your late night conversations
Your early morning coffee
The sun beams through the window of our first house
And every home cooked meal

I vow to be your favorite pain in the ***
Your "let's kiss and make up"
The ultimate one woman fan club
And the most embarrassing cheerleader

I vow to always find you
In any galaxy or dimension
Across the world or across the street
Because I know true love always finds a way

I vow to love you
All of you
Every second of the day and doubled when we are sleeping
Because I no longer have to dream of this
My reality is finally better than my most desired fantasies

I vow to live this life with you
Forever

A day consists of 24 hours
1,440 minutes
86,400 seconds
That average person takes about 20,000 breaths a day
Every second of every day is based around my recovery
Mind games
Distractions
How many times I can look in the mirror and tell myself no
At least 4
Maybe 5
3 on a good day
A person blinks almost 28,800 times in 24 hours
But sometimes I just stare
So I can focus on something other than my recovery
My addiction
My need for something other than what I can't have
I can hear my thought process
Sometimes it's quiet
Like when I'm asleep
Other times it's the only thing I hear
So I call her because she knows how to turn down the volume
She is my recovery
Because even for a split second everything is perfect when I see her
The amount of breaths I take double
The number of times I blink goes down rapidly
My need for recovery increases exponentially
She is the calm that flows over my body
The rush of oxygen to my brain
When she talks to me my number of bad days plummet
Because she loves me and I love her
So by hurting me I hurt her
My recovery is an ongoing process
That consists of 24 hours
1,440 minutes
86,400 seconds
Of me trying not to hurt myself
1 day turns into 1 victory
And when I tell her that over the phone I can sense that she is smiling
So 1 day really turns into 2 victories

I am a haunted house
Things have died inside me and refuse to leave
They hold onto my bones for stability
And make homes inside my rib cages
The only way out is through my mind
And that's the hardest place to escape

Love comes through like waves
Pushing and pulling at the ground
Crashing into the calm
We all want what we can't have
And if I could
I would come in like a sudden burst of life
Love is beautiful and messy
And you are caffeine and sunshine
With splashes of watercolors
And I can't properly contain you and even if I could
You are meant to be seen
By everyone
Because masterpieces like you should not be kept away
And you are the crash of the ocean and the sun that fades into it
Everything abrupt and breathtaking
If I could just bottle up what you are to me
Then I could just reach into my pocket and have my happiness