I've always struggled with writing about God because lately I feel like my relationship with Him is almost nonexistent

I grew up like any normal Catholic kid. I was baptized, received reconciliation and first communion but never really felt His presence

In middle school the only thing reminding me that there even was a God was the fact that I went to church once a week and one of my classes had to be religion

8th grade my faith somehow became restored. I started believing for the first time ever that maybe I was worthy of being one of God's creations

High school came and I was in a sea of public school kids who would look at you funny if you said "God bless you" after someone sneezed. I no longer felt His presence.

My 10 months in AmeriCorps was this incredible journey. The amount of love and compassion was undeniable and yet I really didn't ever think about God. When times were hard I didn't turn to Him. When I was overwhelmed with happiness I didn't stop to thank Him.

I want to believe
I want there to be something more
Something bigger than this universe and the reason why I feel small
Everything doesn't really make sense to me
And the more I try to figure it out the more lost I get
Because when everything was crumbling around me, I didn't feel some all loving power
I felt the emptiness of my heart and the pounding in the back of my head
And I don't know if God is real or not
This is first time admitting that
I always had this fear that if I stopped believing God would reveal Himself and strike me down
But I am here
I am alive
And that has to mean something

I want the next girl who loves me to know that these scars are just bad memories
And to not be concerned
That they appeared because life became numbing and I wanted to feel alive again
I want her to know that I used to get wasted because it made me focus on the hangover and not the heartbreak
But I don't do that anymore
I want her to know that these hands sweat and ache to hold something other than my burdens
That I don't want my past to be a problem because it always has been
I want her to know that I can be worth it
If she just gives me a chance
She needs to know that I love unconditionally and that has always been my biggest mistake
If she takes shots at me I will kiss her instead of fixing myself
I will bleed out for the simple fact that I am trained to love someone more than myself
But she needs to know that I will love her
I will love her at 3am when her mind has become a weapon
I will love her when she can't even love herself
I want the next girl who loves me to know that I am a fighter
With 3 attempts under my belt
She has to know that I will stay awake at night incase she needs me
I will tell her she's beautiful even when I haven't seen her all day
Because I know how healing it can be to have someone who loves every broken part of you
And my mission in life has been to help as many people as I can
So to the next girl who loves me
I'm here if you're here
And I will love you even if you're the last person I help

She is now just words
Just ink that flows out of my pen
And thoughts that form in my head
She is the wind
She is the time it takes to mend my heart
And I think that's beautiful
Knowing I have my own personal angel
My own glimpse into my future
Knowing Heaven is real because I know she was accepted
She is my heartbeat
The stars in my eyes
The fire in my mind
True love is immeasurable

I am my writings
Just stories that display the makings of who I am
And everything I wish to be
I am pain
I am destruction to the things I hold dear
And the carpenter that puts it all back together
Knowing that I am equally as catastrophic as I am productive
My own personal triumph and demise
Knowing I won't make it unless I give in
I am abundant
Millions of atoms
Immense possibility
My growth determines my value

I am my dark mind and her choices
I am her love and my doubt
I am everything I took from her and what I kept for myself
She was every chance I ever had at true love
And I will always blame myself

I've been struggling lately
I've never felt like I was worth much
So the idea of suicide was always in the back of my mind
There have been times where breathing even became a burden
The nights when I didn't sleep became unrelenting
Normal everyday conversations took all of my energy
I didn't really see anything in me
And when it came to Kai
I gathered all my life just so I could keep hers going
Until I ran out
After losing her there wasn't much left of me
I have a friend who has been trying to convince me to stay
But I have one broken heart and one stubborn brain
But she is beautiful with a smart mouth and when she talks, I listen
And if she can see something in me then I should be able to see something in myself
Life is meant to change
Every day
Every second
The more you fight it the more you hurt yourself
I've hurt myself for far too long
She told me that if I left, she'd be heartbroken
Just like I was when Kai left
I know suicide is the wrong answer to a question with multiple solutions
I'm slowly regaining my life
I have to use what's deep inside
And continue preventing suicide

I wanted her in the purest way
I wanted her the way flowers want sunshine
The way trees want to reach the sky
I wanted her in every way possible and impossible
The way birds want to fly
I wanted her the way hands want to be held and lips kissed under thousands of stars
I wanted her every second of the day and doubled when we were sleeping
Every bone in my body wanted her
Every part of heart and deepest parts of my soul
Everything touched and untouched
Everything real and make believe
I wanted her for the simple fact that our love was infinite
Stronger than steel
Deeper than the ocean
Brighter than the sun
More powerful than Gods and magic
I wanted her and she wanted me
I needed her the way people need to breathe
She may be gone forever but every breath I take brings her memory to my lungs and fills my body with her love
Blood and her smile pump through my veins
I want her the way I want to be alive
And when I die
I want her to be the first face I see
I want her the way two people fall in love
Slow and forever
Terrifying and beautiful
I wanted her then and I want her now
But it's too late
And what I want I can't have

I've gotten to a point where even my heart wants to give up
My heart has kept me here
Kept me aware
Kept me in tune with the people around me
It's kept me selfless
Now I want to be selfish
I can't seem to shake this one
I haven't been this alone since 2am in Colorado
Wine can be dangerous
My mind can leave people devastated
I've been feeling empty
And I think it's because I give a little bit of me to everyone
Especially the ones who don't deserve any
If only she could see me now
I'm starting to think I won't get very far
And that's okay
I don't know who will read this
I don't know if you can tell that I don't know what to say
My mind isn't what it used to be
I won't apologize because I don't belive in saying I'm sorry
I just want to stop feeling like this
I don't have any metaphors or poetic phrases that will make people comment about how beautiful this is
I don't have the energy to write something that will leave people wanting more
I just have what I feel
I just have a bunch of normal words laid out in a normal setting because my feelings can't be expressed properly
If you saw me now you wouldn't recognize me
I've lost my meaning and everything I believe in
I wish I had more to say
I just want to be happy
And that sounds so cliché

Something has changed
I no longer have this desire to hold onto you
Everything that happened no longer haunts me
I've let go of you, the loaded gun that was constantly pressed to my forehead
The bomb constantly ticking but never running out
I used you to fill the cracks in my heart but you quickly became the knife that carved more
If love is disaster
You are the biggest storm
Winds and rain that came crashing into my home
Destroying everything that you knew I cherished
Words and promises have never been such poison
I now have to prepare myself
Prepare to deal with someone like you
Love is more than late night conversations
And early morning kisses
Love is the fondation we build off of
Love is overcoming every obstacle you face
Love is realizing that heartbreak is possible but still going for it anyways
Love is someone's greatest treasure and hardest downfall
You were once my greatest gift
Holding onto you would be like holding onto the thing that kills me
I could only blame myself for my demise
So goodbye